Defying Science

Ninety-nine percent of women using Lupron for more than 38 days would have seen a cyst/follicle collapse, and experienced bleeding shortly thereafter.

But not me.

According to Dr.3, my body is "defying science"…

Yesterday was CD30, so with no spotting to speak of I promptly picked up my phone and left a message for one of the nurses at my clinic. She called me back and with sincere sympathy asked if I’d be free for an u/s and blood draw first thing this morning.

I woke up early after being startled by a dream where at my ultrasound they found two more cysts and my lining was at 30mm (can you imagine? That would be the period to end all periods) Oh and the clinic was set up downtown and my room had a big giant picture window on the corner of a busy street. Making my hoohaa part of their window display. Dr.3 kept telling me not to worry about thaaat...

I didn’t go to this u/s expecting great news. I went in praying to receive a glimmer of hope and at the very least some information as to what the crap is going on.

The cyst is still there. And it’s bigger. BUT it’s bigger laterally – as in not round. It’s an oblong shape which implies that it’s in the process of collapsing. And my lining is down from 8mm, to 5mm. Which is good. The Lupron and my body are doing what they are supposed to, just at a profoundly slow rate. Dr. 3 thinks I could see my period within the next week, but to be safe they scheduled me for an u/s and blood draw for a week from today in case I don’t get my period by then.

I have mixed feelings about this information mostly because it appears as though my body is doing everything it's supposed to but at a snails fucking pace.  And then there are the mysterious goings on that have led to nothing: A)Three weeks ago I felt Ovulation pains. It's a very distinct type of pressure, that is to me, unmistakable. But obviously this thing is still around - so what the hell was that then??? 2) The Rage - what the crap was that all about? I literally felt crazy and I have the blog post to prove it. C) The other pms symptoms I usually get have come and gone... Oilier than normal hair and skin, sore/swollen breasts, bloating. Now nothing. I feel great. And what's worse is according to Dr.3 I should be having significant hot flashes as an indication that my estrogen is going down.  But, nope. I'm right as the mail. 

I feel angry and cheated by my body and circumstances. I wanted a January cycle, and with the long lupron protocol scheduling, I ended up in February. Now with this stupid delay I'm looking at a March retrieval and transfer. I STARTED THIS DAMN CYCLE IN DECEMBER- there must be a metal or badge or free fucking toaster for having the longest IVF cycle ever recorded. In the whole wide world. EVER.

But on a better note, I just got the call and my E2 is down to 125. From 346, and 414, and 391. So thank fucking Karl Lagerfeld for that. Except if my levels keep moving down at the same rate I'm looking at another nine days before I'm below 70 to get the go-ahead for stims. So I'll hang on to my white flag, and continue with obsessively check the toilet paper for some sign of menses. ANY SIGN.

Thanks for putting up with my ridiculousness. And mood swings. At least most of you can be thankful you don't know me in real life. Save Brian... Poor monkey.

Melissa G. - OUT.