I've been slightly antisocial lately (in real life). It's actually been a conscience effort on our part to keep social engagements to a minimum, and its been really nice. We have Yoga and Therapy on separate nights during the week, and on the weekends I've been turning most invitations down. I honestly feel like I just don't have much to give in the way of friendships right now. There is a small part of me that feels bad because the people I have been turning away are largely the ones who've been very supportive to us. And I'm grateful for that. But me and my marriage come first. Brian has been working A LOT lately, so the little free time he does have - I want all to myself.
The other part I guess is that I'm starting to feel that I have less and less in common, as most of them are pregnant or have children now. I realize they are still people, still my friends outside of being Mother's and Father's, but right now that's pretty difficult to look past. They have bigger priorities then making it to a Sharks game on time, or making it to Yoga before the good spots are taken. I realize this sort of sounds like a pity party. I'm not really feeling sorry for myself, I guess it's just my lame attempt at justifying my absence.
Do any of you find yourselves keeping a low profile from your friends?
(Teresa, Jessica, (my IRL friends) I love you both, please know it's nothing personal - nothing you have done wrong. Thank you for being so understanding, and supportive. It means the world to me, and I hope I can repay your loyalty someday.)
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On a less depressing note, I received the Beautiful Blogger Award from Latebloomer, Jackiemac and Clare. Thank you ladies!
The instructions that go along with this award are as follows:- Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
- Copy the award and place it in your blog.
- Link the person who nominated you for this award.
- Tell us 7 interesting things about you.
- Nominate 7 bloggers
- Post the links to the 7 bloggers you nominate.
Seven interesting things... What haven't I already over shared with you people? Seven more things huh? Alright:
1. I am a thoroughly fascinated by the paranormal, and have experienced a few unexplainable incidents myself.
2. I'm turning 31 in less than a month. Ugh. And go Pisces.
3. I have a crush on Paul Rudd.
4. In March I will be heading to Atlanta to meet a few ladies that I found online about a year and a half ago. They belonged to a board for women who'd been trying to conceive for over a year. These ladies were the glue that held me together, they walked me through the first steps in testing, and virtually carried me through enduring the results. I say this not to dismiss the support I've gotten from all of you, it was just before I knew you all existed. I had this blog then, but I had no idea about the IF community or even what ICLW was. Not all of them are able to be there, but I am so, SO excited to meet at least a few of them. More to come on this - I promise.
5.Thanksgiving is my favorite Holiday. I absolutely adore anything that has to do with Fall. And in the last few years I've come to like Halloween more than I care to admit.
6. Though we're starting to lean in favor of it, I am slightly terrified of IVF.
7. I really struggled coming up with seven interesting things to write about myself.
And the lovely ladies I'd like to nominate:
1. Tori at Fertility Wishes and BFP Dreams
2. RJ at Baby OCD
3. Alice at My Elusive Baby
4. Mugsy at Drive Fast. Take Chances.
5. Carli at It's Only Life
6. Jo at MoJo Working
7. Melissa at Melissa's Thoughts and Realizations
Please check out their blogs when you get a second. I promise you won't regret it!
21 comments:
I don't find myself distancing myself from close friends as a result of our infertility, even those who have children. I think perhaps this is because I am nearly 39 years old, so I have already lived for many years being "the childless one" among friends with children, long before we were ever TTC.
I will also admit that most of my friends have either been super-supportive about our infertility or don't really know much about it. So I am lucky in that respect.
Very few of my friends have made their kids the sole focus of their lives, and I think that that makes a difference. I can still talk to them and see them without having it be all baby/kids all the time
I have distanced myself from a whole group of friends. They all have kids or are pregnant and I am the last one in that group to not have kids. One night I went out with them and all they talked about was pregnancy and babies. I went home and cried and felt horrible. I decided that it just causes me too much grief to hang out with them right now.
I have started becoming closer friends with people who understand infertility or who have gone through it themselves. I just feel like i have more in common with them.
Nobody really understands it unless they have been through it themselves. I have just been trying to save myself heartache right now.
I did the same thing...self preservation becomes the number one priority - and that is okay, be easy on yourself.
Your Atlanta trip sounds awesome!!!
I have also been distancing myself from all of my friends. I found it hard to put on a happy face and care about anything, I was tired of faking it.
You have every right to take time away from friends to cope and be with your husband. I recently started hanging out with friends again, and they were totally understanding of my recent absence.
I can't say I distance myself, as I more tend to pick friends recently who are older than me and usually have teenagers. I have always gravitated towards older women as friends, because I have trust issues with girls my age. Thankfully, the majority of people we know with babies do not live that close to us, so we are limited in the baby exposure, which helps. I totally understand where you are coming from though. By the way congrats on turning 31 in less than a month! So do I! March 9th here. Take care.
I think it's important to recognize when you need time to yourselves and then to take it. It is good for your own well-being.
I got a chill when I saw you've had experiences with the paranormal. I never have, but it really freaks me out/intrigues me when I hear about other people's experiences.
Looking forward to hearing about your Atlanta get-together.
I've been doing the same thing...instead of going out and listening to them talk about their pregnancies and babies, I get on here and talk to my blog friends, ha! You're not doing anything wrong...it's the only way to keep your sanity through all of this. This is cliche, but if they're your real friends, then they'll be there when you rise from the other side of this hellhole! ;)
When I was going through the IF stuff, I did find myself distancing myself from people. I think there is a fine line between isolating yourself with that side of possible depression and needing to take a time out for self-preservation. Sometimes you need a break, but watch that it doesn't last too long. And as others have said, it helps when you find people who are compassionate about your situation. I found it much easier to be around my PG friends who had that give and take in our relationship. It also helped me to be happy for them and their babies. The people who were not so thoughtful, I steered clear. Even now, I find myself trying to find people without kids so I don't feel so left behind.
Cool about the paranormal...I too am fascinated by that stuff and have a few of my own stories.
And I started to tear up when I saw that you put in your Atlanta trip! I can't wait to meet you!!! You have helped me through so much, too.
I totally don't take it personally. I think we had a good talk about it the other day (in between me yammering about how much I hate my job).
2 of my closest friends had kids 5 years ago when I "almost" did, and I felt like our window of having things in common was closing too, but it only took a couple years to realize that time changes people no matter what, and we can only hope that our mutual interest and care for each other remains as we careen down whatever path life hurls us. (PS - the "nothing in common" feeling faded a few years ago, before I hopped in the same boat. I promise.) Love you!
My IRL friends have been very supportive. I think sometimes it is the well meaning people that just have never learned much tact and don't think before they speak.
I think I just came to realize that kids are such a huge part of people's lives that sometimes they don't know what else to talk about. It is a little annoying when people can't think of anything else to ask you about your life once they find out you don't have kids. But oh well, their problem not mine.
If I didn't hang with my IRL friend who all have kids, then I wouldn't have any friends. I also enjoy hanging out with ladies that have older kids or grandkids because they don't talk about their kids as much or its different stuff not the annoying "my kids nap time" will be affected if we hang out or the "potty training" conversations that just get so old.
It's hard sometimes though. You know what you can handle, so do what is best for you. Hang in there.
If most of my friends were pregnant or had children, I would probably avoid them like the plague. If, like Where's My Stork, I went out with a group of friends and all they talked about was pregancy and babies, I might shoot myself. I'm lucky that I hang with a bunch of singles. But you have to decide what's right for YOU. There's no reason for you to put yourself through even more than you're already going through. Take all the Melissa/Brian time you want!
Congrats on your award!! And back away from Paul Rudd - he's mine!
The low days/ weeks I do find myself shying away from any social engagements. It's tough to be happy and present when I am feeling so down. However, most days I'm a pretty normal friend.
I totally, totally get the recluse thing. I have such a hard time seeing anything in my friends other than the mom/dad factor. I always find myself thinking about what they have and I don't. It's stupid, but I can't help it.
I get the Paul Rudd thing. I thought I was the only one! Have you seen "I Could Never be Your Woman"? He's adorable.
Thanks for the blogger award. You are the bomb :)
I've become more of a recluse too. And surprisingly, I'm totally OK with it. I can't handle certain "talks" or enviroments and have started to try to keep my sanity and just stay away.
The friend thing is super tough. I think it's so important to take care of yourself and sometimes distancing is a good thing for sanity preservation. If your friends don't get it, then I'd say "more distance needed!"
Have a great time meeting your support group in real life, that sounds super fun! I have always wished there was a way to get all my blogging peeps together at one time for a huge party. No fertiles allowed.
I was definitely in the same boat you were just a few months ago. Even J would say that he felt I was distancing "us" from friends because whenever anything came up I didn't want to go. Take this tome to focus on yourself and your husband. When you do feel like you need to get out or hang out with friends, go and have fun!
Recluse? Yes, please! =)
I think I'm going through the same phase as well. It totally sucks, but is also completely necessary. The true friends will still be there for you when you feel you're in a place where you can be around them again.
Please know that I'm here to talk about the terrifying world of IVF if you ever need me. =)
Also, I wanna hear your paranormal stories!!! Maybe when we're exchanging videos and borrowed tupperware. ;-)
I distanced myself when I was at that point. At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I'm going to say it again: you've got to do what's best for YOU, no matter what that is.
Also, you have to share when your birthday is. That way I can shoot for a good day for a birthday. :)
Please give a very detailed account of the Atlanta trip, so I can pretend I was there too. I'm sad that you couldn't go last year, and that I can't go this year. Next year though...
I've found friendships can be one of the casualties of IF...but with the good friends, the very best of friends, the wounds turn out to be superficial and DO heal in time.
I'm also very grateful for the friendships of the IF Sisters I've made on this journey...like you (!), who give so much support.
Enjoy your time in ATL with your ladies! What a great idea to all meet up in person. :)
When you said about making it to yoga before all the good spots are taken.... I agree with you! I always frown inside my head when i'm getting picked up late by a friend to yoga and the first thing I think is that I'm going to get the stink space next to the smelly person, or right beside the door. You are right, they have bigger priorities but that just makes me wish I had them too, and yes I do find myself putting distance between them as sometimes its just easier. I know they'll be there for me (and me for them) in the end, but we can't be everything to everybody. We all have our limits.
PS - I struggled with the 7 things about myself too!
When you said about making it to yoga before all the good spots are taken.... I agree with you! I always frown inside my head when i'm getting picked up late by a friend to yoga and the first thing I think is that I'm going to get the stink space next to the smelly person, or right beside the door. You are right, they have bigger priorities but that just makes me wish I had them too, and yes I do find myself putting distance between them as sometimes its just easier. I know they'll be there for me (and me for them) in the end, but we can't be everything to everybody. We all have our limits.
PS - I struggled with the 7 things about myself too!
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