I digress.
As evidence of my childhood, I pretty much live by the: "if you don't have the money for it, you go without". But what I discovered tonight is that that rule just shouldn't apply to having a family. I hate to think that finances has been holding us back through all of this. Not just because of a few missing zero's in our bank account, but because I haven't been able to get out of my comfort zone. To risk something I have substantial control over... I can give you reasons all fucking day long as to why we should do one treatment over the other, but I need to stop rationalizing everything. I need to find out what my heart wants.
I'm sure all you number crunchers out there are wondering why I'm talking about getting the money from family as opposed saving it ourselves, when I claim to be such a penny pinching money hoarder. The problem is time. While I don't need to make a decision this month, I can't fathom waiting more than a year to move forward with another treatment. You might as well reserve my straight jacket and padded cell now, cause it wouldn't be long before what's left of my sanity jumped ship. And it's not as if we'd be getting a free ride, they would be loans that we'd most definitely pay back. God knows how long it's going to take, but we would. And while we would do it in an instant, we can't refi our house. Brian is a new small business owner and we wouldn't be able to prove his income yet.
I guess the moral to my story is that money sucks when you don't have it. And I hate that I given it so much power in our decision making process. I used to say that I couldn't handle shelling out all this money that ended up in another failed cycle. It would be so crappy to pay of debt that was all for nothing. But when I look back at three of the six dIUI's that ended up on my credit card. I don't regret them. Not one bit. Because I genuinely believed each one was going to work. The payments suck on paper, but I'm not resentful about them. Because I went against every part of my logic and followed my heart.
In my last post I talked about how my decision between dIUI and IVF with Brian changes on a daily basis, well today it's IVF.
I had a good session with my therapist last night. We talked a lot about money. What role it plays in our lives, and how it means something very different to everyone. What we determined is that to me; it means security. If there's money in the bank- I feel safe. I know that if something terrible were to happen, financially I would be somewhat prepared. I am a saver. Or as Brian would call it "A tightfisted Biyatch". Brian and I pool our money, there is one bank account for the two of us, and I'm really, really careful with it. We worked long and hard to get out of debt that we had accrued when we were young and stupid and didn't have a mortgage payment or even rent for that matter. But then we got married and pulled our shit together and before we bought our house we lived with my dad for 10 (very fucking long) months so that we could bank roll some dough and pay off some debt. And believe me that moving in with my dad was a HUGE sacrifice for us. I love the guy to pieces but moving back in with a parent after you're married is not exactly conducive to newlywed status.
Anyway, speaking of my dad... Money was pretty tight growing up. We lived in a nice neighborhood, but had the ugliest, and least kept house on the block. (Teresa, you can attest to that.) I think that's partially because my dad hated yard work, but mostly because what little free time and money he did have, wasn't going to be spent sweating over a flower bed just to keep up with the neighbors. And as much as I hated the weeds peering out from under the redrock in our front yard, I sort of respect that. Money didn't have much significance in our lives, and maybe that was because we didn't have any. But I never really felt like we went without either. I just knew that money was spent carefully and tucked away for important things. (Which might explain why I went a little Catholic-School-Girl on my first credit card) I earned every penny my dad ever gave me, no allowance, I had to do chores above and beyond my regular duties. Which was fine. I definitely learned the value of a dollar, and the sweet, sweet reward that came from biking my ass to the Baskin-Robins. (I have always been a whore for ice cream.)
But money came easier to me then, and not having any didn't matter like it does now. I don't mean to cry poor. We're not poor. But we do live frugally, and every penny counts. And each penny means more to me then just the numbers on a bank statement, or as of late a medical bill and credit card statement.
One of the biggest problems I have with IVF is what a huge financial risk it is. It's actually terrifying for me. Could I get the money together in a month from various family members? Yes. Would doing so go against every manor of my belief system and decimate my pride? Yes. But is a baby worth going outside of my comfort zone? HELL YES.
As evidence of my childhood, I pretty much live by the: "if you don't have the money for it, you go without". But what I discovered tonight is that that rule just shouldn't apply to having a family. I hate to think that finances has been holding us back through all of this. Not just because of a few missing zero's in our bank account, but because I haven't been able to get out of my comfort zone. To risk something I have substantial control over... I can give you reasons all fucking day long as to why we should do one treatment over the other, but I need to stop rationalizing everything. I need to find out what my heart wants.
Why is that so damn hard?
I'm sure all you number crunchers out there are wondering why I'm talking about getting the money from family as opposed saving it ourselves, when I claim to be such a penny pinching money hoarder. The problem is time. While I don't need to make a decision this month, I can't fathom waiting more than a year to move forward with another treatment. You might as well reserve my straight jacket and padded cell now, cause it wouldn't be long before what's left of my sanity jumped ship. And it's not as if we'd be getting a free ride, they would be loans that we'd most definitely pay back. God knows how long it's going to take, but we would. And while we would do it in an instant, we can't refi our house. Brian is a new small business owner and we wouldn't be able to prove his income yet.
I guess the moral to my story is that money sucks when you don't have it. And I hate that I given it so much power in our decision making process. I used to say that I couldn't handle shelling out all this money that ended up in another failed cycle. It would be so crappy to pay of debt that was all for nothing. But when I look back at three of the six dIUI's that ended up on my credit card. I don't regret them. Not one bit. Because I genuinely believed each one was going to work. The payments suck on paper, but I'm not resentful about them. Because I went against every part of my logic and followed my heart.
In my last post I talked about how my decision between dIUI and IVF with Brian changes on a daily basis, well today it's IVF.
22 comments:
Among the many things I hate about IF, $money$ is definitely a top one.
I hate the thought that money can be something that decides whether or not you get a baby...or even a chance at a baby.
I just forwarded you an article a friend sent me about a couple who fundraised for IVF through FB. While I don't think this is realistically something most people would do, it makes me feel like more and more we'll all become more open talking about treatment and financing with family and friends who would totally help out...if they only knew.
It's funny, we borrowed from our parents for a home down payment, but the thought of asking either of our families for treatment financial help made me cringe. Funnily, we might not have needed the "home loan" if we hadn't paid for IVF ourselves. So, in a way it really was a "treatment loan".
Which gets me to my all-time favorite debate topic...INSURANCE SHOULD COVER TREATMENT. But, I'll save that for another day...
See you tomorrow, M!
Yes. Money is EVIL. I hate it. And I'm the same way as you: money is security, and I'm a total pennypincher, too. But then when I think that we might have to do IVF, I think, well, it's just money. Because it is. It's not like it's sacred or anything.
(I have to say, though, that we're in a different financial situation because we have some money saved and most likely wouldn't have to borrow anything, so I know you have many many other issues, such as asking your relatives, planning repayment, etc.)
In the end, you just have to do what your heart tells you.
Good luck!
I couldnt agree with you more. It sucks that the decision making comes down to money but I am like you... nothing is going to stand in the way of us having a baby. I couldn't let money be the deciding factor for me as in my mind we can always earn more money later to pay off debts but my eggs aren't getting any younger... so if it means borrowing or begging I will stoop that low in a heartbeat. I look back on our 3 failed ivfs and sometimes I almost have a heartattack at the amount of money we've spent but like you, i wouldnt change it for the world. We still have hope and while thats the case you gotta keep on going. But holy crap its hard sometimes.
It does suck - weighing a baby in one hand and money in the other - it seems ridiculously unfair. Money and time was the main reason why we switched to DS. We were lucky enough to have 2/3 of our 3/5 IVFs covered by insurance - it then ran out and we drained our savings to pay for the last cycle. I am already in MASSIVE debt from law school and my husband is 51 - we just did not want to keep spending, digging a hole of debt that we would never, ever get out of in my husband's lifetime.
I had a really hard time saying no to spending more money in order to try and use Mr. M's sperm - but - there was no guarantee that the 4th or 5th IVF would work, even if we went to the best clinic in the country.
The final decision was made by Mr. M - he really felt that he could love a baby as much as he loves his son, no matter the baby's origins. He kept saying that using DS was a better option than adoption for him - because of time and the fact that the kid would get 1/2 of his/her genetics from me.
It is really, really rough - but I understand the need/desire to do IVF - the what ifs would kill me if we had not done it.
((HUGS))
You took the words right out of my mouth. I am getting ready to write a post about money and it is going to sound a lot like this.
DH and I are getting ready to do IVF, but it was a really hard for me to come to this decision primarly because of money! I am the saver/ "tight-ass" in our house and $14 K is a shitload of money to spend on a "chance" of a baby. It feels like we are gambling, which I don't do. If we had insurance I wouldn't need another second to think about it, we would do it in a heartbeat!!
Having said that, it is worth it to us to try and have a family that we have yearned for. A good friend brought to my attention that we do have the money because I am a saver and what better way to spend my hard earned money that I saved for a rainy day on a chance at our family. It's our rainy day and we are ready!!
The money is a hard pill for us to swallow, but we are doing IVF because we want a chance at our dream!!
I wish you the best in your decision...I know its hard.
P.S.- I'm an ice cream whore too!!
This SUCKS. I think it is total bullsh*t that all insurance doesn't cover IF. It's completely, totally unfair and makes NO sense. But I guess me yelling about it isn't super helpful to you ... I just want you to know I am furious that you don't get assistance in that way. The decision between dIUI and IVF is horribly hard ... I guess I would say that if it were me, I'd want to try IVF at least one time to just see if it's possible. At least then you will know whether that road is worth pursuing at all. But getting the money is the problem, I know. And especially after you made so many sacrifices to live debt-free. I can definitely see how hard it would be to have to give that up for something that can't even be guaranteed. Maybe you guys could sit down and discuss (perhaps with your RE) the different outcomes of trying IVF and what your "risk tolerance" is (similar to having a risk tolerance discussion for investing money). It's kind of a sterile way to put it, but it might be a way to step back from all the emotions and figure out what works best for you both and how far you're willing to explore IVF and at what financial cost. For example, if you did a 2 cycle money-back program: you pay a fixed amount and they cover up to 2 IVF cycles plus all FETs til you get pregnant. Then you might end up paying a little extra if the first round worked but you would know that the package you purchased is your maximum willingness to give IVF a chance before you feel confident in your heart that there is a different path for you.
Not sure if this makes sense, but I just kept typing and wishing a magic solution would come to me. I wish you never had to be in this situation ...
It is the root of all evil....it sucks. And the choices (when you don't have the money) suck.
I personally did a combo of both...we took time and saved about 1/2 of the money (and some fell on us just by dumb luck from some work bonuses I wasn't expecting)...and we did ask for a loan from my family...which I HATE and found it degrading and humiliating...and some got put on the credit card.
And while the credit cards are almost paid off, I've still not repaid a lick of the money to my Dad. But I will...eventually.
I can tell you that if you have success you won't give a crap about the money you owe....but I know I would feel terribly differently if it hadn't worked...it is a gamble, a risk. That's all there is to it.
Wish I had real words of wisdom.
Money is horrible. I wonder who many people out there can't get pregnant and need to go the IVF route and literally can't because of money. Or how many can't adopt for that reason? It's sad to me.
Kudos to you though for working very hard and being in a good place financially.
I'm so sorry - I wish the money would just fall from the sky and make this easy for you. I do think money/ risk was a huge factor in our time of indecision, too. My MIL asked if it were covered by insurance, would we do IVF? And I said in a heartbeat. But when it was our money, our risk....and I thought we would only have a 30% or so odds of success because of doing mini-IVF/ limited fert....it was hard to swallow.
But now we're taking that leap (with higher odds of success, hopefully). And I know if it doesn't work it will be hard to know that money is just gone. But I also can't imagine not getting the possibility of a pregnancy. It's such a hard position to be in, but I guess knowing it wasn't *as* risky helped tip the scales for us in our decision.
I really respect your desire to live debt free and know it is a HUGE decision to take on debt...especially for a risk. I hope you come to a wonderful, peace-filled decision soon. ((hugs))
The necessity of money absolutely sucks; the necessity of money to have a family is the worst!
We're major penny-pinchers and don't owe on anything but our house...but the idea of having to take a loan out to buy sperm is something I never considered we'd have to do...and here were are doing just that.
This is a really tough issue and different for everyone. It just adds to the list of things that are unfair when you're infertile. I'm glad you're talking about it with your therapist.
I am a huge saver and penny counter, and I hate shelling out dough for all this stuff. But, I am lucky in that $ is not a major constraint for us. We can pay for more IVFs but I don't know if I can go through more IVFs (i.e. the stress of it all). This may sound incredibly weird (and hopefully not insensitive), but sometimes (in my weaker moments) I wish it was because it would help me decide when enough is enough on the treatments. But, enough about me.
I'm glad that you are opening yourself up to the possibility of IVF. It's normal to go back and forth on what you want to do, and I know you'll come to the best decision for you guys. Hugs.
You are absolutely right. The "go without" rule should NOT apply to having a family. We have globs of medical loans to cover our treatments. It's obviously not ideal, but I don't regret taking them out. It really does add some much unneeded stress though. Good luck with your decision.
I hate the money aspect of it. And having spent a fortune on IVFs that never worked, well, I'm bitter about it. Do I regret it? I guess not. It's just a matter of fact at this point. I needed to do each one of those IVFs and so if that meant paying for them, well so be it. But it is hard to think about the money spent which feels wasted at this point, but that is only because we didn't succeed. If we had succeeded money would never have been thought about again.
It's all so hard, and for that, I'm so sorry. I hope you find a way to get back on the treatment wagon fast, if that's what you want!!
Money is terrible by itself, but when it has to factor into the decision of parenthood, it's ridiculously retched. Take your time to work through the options and save the money, no matter what your next step is.
I try not to think about how much we spent to get where we are now, but I do think about how if we hadn't spent it, we wouldn't be here right now.
Our 11 DIUIs were done over the course of 2 years because of money. We had a huge discussion over the Summer when we found ourselves in a similar situation as you are in right now (I can't do this anymore - what next?) We decided we didn't want to pursue DIUIs anymore because we didn't believe they'd work for us after so many failures. We wanted to pursue adoption, but knew we'd always wonder if we could have experienced pregnancy if we did a donor IVF cycle. So, we saved up and went for it. I know that we are incredibly fortunate to have finally had a successful cycle, but I know that if it hadn't worked that we would have moved to adoption knowing we'd done everything we'd could to get pregnant (we're looking into adoption for baby #2).
Take care of yourself, Melissa. You are a great woman!
This is my first time reading your blog and it really hit home.
I just finished my second IUI cycle and have decided to bite the bullet and move on to IVF. The money issue is such a hard thing to deal with.
I'm in the SF Bay Area also and had a consultation with Dr. Zouves and with Kaiser Fremont (Dr. Proctor). They're both wonderful docs.
Hey Sooz, thanks for reading and commenting.
Feel free to email me at bloggyme027 at gmail dot com.
I hate money too. I've told you before- but- you have to do what's best for you. That may or may not be the same thing as someone else. I can honestly say that the refi on our house was the only way we could do IVF in this lifetime (or if we won the lottery), BUT, now being in this current place, I've also realized more than ever that you also have to look ahead and plan for the money you need to HAVE a family after a successful IVF as well. It has been hard for us to finacially juggle getting ready for two babies after three years of fertility testing and treatments. You bet I don't regret it either- but my heart and faith told me it was what we should do. Whatever you do, it will all work out.
But money will always suck.
I gave you a blog award - check out my blog to get it.
I hear you. Insurance SHOULD pay for IF but they dont care, they see having a family as a "nice to have" and not life threatening. Its so sad. BUT if you do IVF with your hubby's sperm then that is REALLY exciting? Maybe you had to go thru "all that" to get to "this"?
The money thing sucks! We're in the hole to my parents but it's worth it.
By the way, check out my blog. You've been nominated!
Money is a tough thing. I grew up like you with only paying for what you can afford and saving as much as possible. I can empathize with you on the need to feel secure and that you will be okay, just in case. It can be really restricting, especially with matters of the heart. But it is good that you are looking at that part of yourself and searching your heart to do what will be best for you guys and what you can live with in your decisions with your plans to have a family. You will know when you know and it may take some time, but you will get there. (Hugs)
My most unfavorite part of infertility. MONEY. I hate that aspect of infertility. We have no infertility insurance and spent close to $22,000 for two IVF's both which bombed. Now we are moving on to private domestic infant adoption. We are looking at $35,000-$40,000 for a baby. I am so frustrated by this I cannot even begin to describe, but we don't want to wait five years on a list to keep our costs down. We wanted a baby two years ago and at this point will pay up to $40,000 to get one and have a guaranteed result. We mulled doing IVF with donor eggs (I was told that is what I would have to have), but in the end could not justify the risk of it not working and ending up with huge debt with nothing to show for it. Best of luck with everything. I always told myself I never wanted to look back and say what if, so we tried IVF. If we had not I would have regretted it every day because I would have been left wondering what if. Now I know that what if does not work, so we are moving on. It is such a hard decision to make. Good luck.
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