Relief that my darkest days are behind me.
It's been years since we've sent out cards. In fact it was only three short years ago that I couldn't bring myself to open any of the cards we received, or even get a tree for that matter.
Throughout our IF journey, Christmas has been particularly painful. (obviously, I know we weren't alone there.) It only reminded me of everything we didn't have.
But Christmas wasn't really the culprit, the truth is I was a complete and udder train wreck for most of the last four years. It wasn't until the last few months that I have really made the time to reflect on where I was. Part of me thinks I've been too afraid to fully digest how bad things really were. It consumed and effected every part of my life. I let it. I guess you could say I was the poster child for 'leaning into it'. But I don't think I could have done it any differently. That is just how I function. I have to breathe things in, and really feel them in order to process the situation. Boy did I ever. And it was abysmal.
But now?
Now, I am obscenely, unabashedly happy. All the time. Sure I've been in a mood from time to time, but truly 98% of the time I am grinning from ear to ear. But I will never forget how lucky I am. And how so many of you, including some very dear friends that I have met through this community, whom are still fighting a very brave fight. Thank Gawd I found this community. THANK YOU, UNIVERSE, FOR BRINGING THESE WONDERFULLY AMAZING BRILLIANT COMPASSIONATE GENEROUS WOMEN INTO MY LIFE.
**** I wrote this post a few days before the Newton Tragedy. Even the word tragedy feels like an atrocious understatement. I read one of the first reports that came out about it and not a single thing more. I stayed away from facebook. I couldn't watch or listen to the news. What happened... destroyed me. I felt physically ill. I was in tears on and off throughout the weekend, clutching my daughter. Shaking my head as I bit my lower lip trying to keep myself from completely losing my shit, again and again. I don't even know how to process what happened. All I can do is pray for those beautiful little babies, and all of the victims, and their families. This has to stop. IT JUST HAS TO.
3 comments:
So glad you are feeling so much joy now, true joy that radiates from the center of your soul. That is a wonderful thing!
About Newtown: yes, something has to change. It's horrific and awful. It's how we feel knowing the babies starving to DEATH every single day where our children were born, and yet the world turns a blind eye. We feel called to go back there and do something, but yet we come up with excuses. It's all so hard, to know the pain of others and feel powerless. But I guess the lesson has to be this: we are NOT powerless against any of this. GUN LAWS-->YES. Mental health care for everyone-->YES. Helping babies all around the world-->YES.
PS Love the picture!
Love the family photo! Leah is a cutie. :-)
The effects of infertility can go deep and be long-lasting, so it's no wonder you were consumed by it. I'm so glad you are in a better place now.
As for the events in Newtown, CT. . . there are no words.
There's new meaning to everything with a miracle baby to hold!
With the recent events, we will just hold them tighter and love on them even more.
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