I Feel the Need...

The need for speed. I've found myself becoming increasingly impatient with the idea of waiting until fall to make any plans for conceiving our bundle of screaming, pooping joy. So what's holding us back? Just a little thing called MAKING UP OUR DAMN MINDS.

We're still sort of on the IVF train, but I have to admit something. I am terrified. I am mortified by the thought of giving myself shots in the stomach for weeks at a time, and I'm greatly concerned for the hormonal fluctuations that come along with it. I am almost so completely frozen with fear at the idea of it not being successful, that in my tiny, scrambled, little brain you can hear me trying to talk myself out of IVF all together. I know that 15-20k, isn't a huge amount in the grand scheme of things, but right now it seems like a fortune. FIFTEENFUCKINGTHOUSANDDOLLARS. GAH! It makes me light headed just thinking about it.

I'm tortured by the fact that not wanting to do IVF makes me feel like I am taking the easy way out. LIKE ANY OF THESES CHOICES ARE EASY! Every time I begin to coo at the tiny, one thousand dollar invoice for DI, I suddenly remember why I don't want to do that either. And I wince while the breath is knocked out of me again. How dare I choose a stranger's biology over my husbands?! It makes me feel unfaithful, and lazy. Am I so weak that I will gladly side step the sacrifices and exertion of scrimping and saving every penny for instant gratification? 

I want a baby now, but I'm so torn by how to get there. Brian says he is still very open to both options but I can't help but feel like he's not telling me everything. And not because he can't or won't but because he hasn't truly explored all of his feelings himself. And I need to know everything. Every detail, every concern or reservation. Nothing can go left unsaid. Before I go any further, it's just something I need.