My Horizon's

Warning: This is a super TMI pg post, so if you’re not in a good place, yamight wanna skip this one and I promise I’ll still love you anyway.

Lots of new developments in the last week or so. None of them extraordinary, but a few of them have taken me by surprise. I’m not going to sugar coat this first one folks, but holy crap my jugs are getting HUGE. You might remember that I usually refer to them as “the girls”, but dude, that reference is no longer applicable. They. Are. Jugs. Gozanga’s even.  A few weeks ago I noticed that I was starting to outgrow my regular bra’s so I was like, “Okay, cool, this is normal…” and I switched over to my “fat bras”. Read: Bras I had kept from before I lost 36+ lbs last year. Saved myself a little quiche right there, I did. However, not three weeks later, I am already muffin-topping out of them! Gah. My jugs are so full and heavy, and my veins read like a Metro Map. I could create an app based on my chest that would probably rival g.oogle maps. It’s out of control, really. 

THEN, the other day, I was walking through the house scratching my stomach when my finger found its way into my belly button, and cheese and crackers folks, it’s… it’s getting shallow. I used to be able to fit an entire fingertip in there, now it only goes about halfway. FREAKY. But cool. 

Oh, good news! I got my last NK Assay and TH1/TH2 follow up test. They came back: NORMAL. My favorite nurse called to tell me personally that everything looked great and I am officially released to my OB. RELEASED TO MY OB. She told me how happy she was for us, and asked that we keep them posted. I told her how very much we enjoyed working with her, and how grateful we were for all of her help. I was actually in the middle of shopping at Trad.er.Jo.es for my lunch when she called. I had a hard time staying composed in the frozen section while taking in exactly what our conversation actually meant… This is all really happening. And it’s going by so, so fast.

We’ve started looking at baby stuff. CRAZY. Brian is going to build the crib and changing table, so we went to a couple of fancy-shmancy boutiques to pilfer designs.  I know you might be picturing Brian with a glue gun surrounded by a pile of kindling, but this isn’t like a DIY project that I would get great “I told you so” satisfaction from. He is quite capable I assure you, and I can’t wait to show you how amazing his woodworking skills are…  And we’re going to choose a design that will convert to a head and foot board, so it’s something we can keep for a long time. Which makes me smile. It’s nice to feel excited and not quite as scared. I’m slowly letting my guard down, and this new world is just amazing. If you haven’t seen it yet, I hope you join me very, VERY soon. 

Holy Crap, She's A Lazy Whore

Oh wait, I’m talking about me.  Sorry it’s been like, a millennia since I updated. While rereading through my last couple of posts I realized I’ve left quite a few things open ended. So here are a few bullet points to ease your back into your seats.

• Progesterone – I was finally able to stop my suppositories. 13w6d as my last round. I had my P4 checked four days later and my level was 19, up from 17. So no more weekly blood tests!
• Immunology – I had another NK Assay follow up, they checked my TH1 and TH2 as well. Bad news on this front, all of my levels spiked even higher after my last infusion, so I had to go back for two more weekly infusions. This kid is definitely going to Junior College. And wearing mine or Brian’s hand me downs.
• NT Scan -  I decided not to go in for the test after all. I just really didn’t like the idea of a Ratio Diagnosis. Or that fact that a false diagnosis would lead to (potentially unnecessary) invasive testing. No judgment for those who go, it just wasn’t for me.
• Commenting – I signed up for Goog.le Ch.rome, and for the most part it’s working. Although randomly now Safari is giving me trouble. WTF blogger?

As for my overall well being I am, despite the crappy NK news, feeling much more confident and comfortable with myself and this pregnancy. I think making myself talk more about the pregnancy and acknowledging here just how much I was really struggling with it all has helped me feel less like I was an impostor. Or that talking about it will make something bad happen to the baby – having had the Doppler handy hasn’t hurt things either. One other really cool thing? I’ve started feeling movement – so bananas. Last Sunday afternoon (15w1d) I was waking up from a nap *(see post title above) when I felt what I can only describe as a cross between a tapping and bubbles popping, distinctly on my right side… It happened again a few minutes later. It was a very unique feeling, but it still took me about a day before I acknowledged it, or even mentioned it to anyone. I did some reading on it, checked in with some ladies on forum (cause that’s what IF bloggers do) and sure enough, they confirmed what I’d thought (knew) I’d felt. It’s not terribly consistent, which is kind of a bummer. And it's so subtle that half the time I don’t even realize it’s happening until it’s over. 


Food is still a bit of a battle. Still can’t do the spicy stuff, though I am able to do desserts again. Not sure that’s really a good thing. Meat. A little over a week ago, meat all of a sudden became an issue. Particularly when I had to prepare it. It didn’t make me yak or anything, I just suddenly found it profoundly vile. But then last night I was shopping at Costco and picked up a Rotisserie Chicken on a whim. Thirty minutes later I found myself talking dirty to it and eating it out of the pan on my kitchen counter… That said, I’ve eaten nothing but fruits, veggies, and carbs today. 


I’m getting closer to not being able to wear any of my regular clothes. Shopping at Maternity stores has certainly made me branch out with my style choices. More patterns and colors than I used to wear, as well as having bought a few skirts. I’m a fan of black, and earth tones, but evidently maternity stores think jewel tones and floral patterns are more appropriate. I suppose that has to do with it being summer and what not as well. 


So that’s it for now, I should try to at least make it look like I don’t agree with my title and get some house work done. I’ll check back in soon, folks!

12 Weeks, But Don't Get Too Comfy

I’m twelve weeks and four days, deep breath now, yes? Well, “BWAHAHA!!!” says the universe. Not so fast Melissa, here’s a little curve ball just in case you were getting a little too comfortable shopping for maternity clothes and thinking about colors for the potential nursery. Oh and don’t pick out any names just yet either!


I got a phone call today. My Natural Killer Cells are elevated again. Not to an exceedingly dangerous level mind you, but elevated nonetheless. And yes, aside from them being normal last time I had a blood draw, I was very aware that this could be an issue. But my friend Denial and I had made up our minds that this problem would just go away, and we were quite content with that. Let me just say, that I’ve planned to do, and will do everything within my power to keep this baby safe, but sweet Jesus am I so overwhelmed with the constant stream of having things to fear in regards to this pregnancy. Please know that I’m so grateful to have gotten this far, and for the fact that I have access to such specialized care. But oh my gawd I am just exhausted from all of this –  all the ups and downs, and feeling pushed and pulled by being so aware that having gone through four years of infertility has changed me, mostly for the good. And I’ll never be the same, I’m not a regular pregnant person - and for so many reasons,  I am proud of that. But now, in this regard, I want so badly to be a regular pregnant person.  I’ve read so many blog posts about the women who hate graduating from the their clinics (save the fact that it usually means they are pregnant)  because they are sad to leave the safety net of their RE’s monitoring and guidance. Which makes plenty of sense. But for me, I am just so fucking over the constant monitoring. I can’t wait to wrap things up over there. Don’t get me wrong. I love Dr.3 and the fact that he made our biggest dream come true (so far). But DAMMAT am I ready to be done with them. I don’t want to see another alcohol pad, or syringe of any type, or a fucking cotton ball covered by paper tape on my arm... I’m tired of weekly blood draws and hoping I get my favorite phlebotomist – I DON’T WANT TO HAVE  A FAVORITE FUCKING PHLEMBOTOMIST! It’s been six months now of regular monitoring and I’m starting to feel more like an inmate that a fucking patient. 


But back to the NK issue. All I have to do is have another Intralipid infusion. Piece of cake, right? Sure, except that my clinic and the satellite office for the Beers Center totally screw you on the cost. My clinic charges $700.00 per infusion, it takes about 90 minutes and they are 7 miles away from my office. The Beers Office charges $550.00, takes about 3.5 hours (including travel time) and is 30 miles away from my office. The kicker? A bag of the Intralipid mixture, cost roughly $50.00 US dollars. Which basically means I'm taking it in the tuckus to pay for their overhead, because they basically have me and everyone else, over a barrel. They might as well say “Take this, or your baby will die. Cash, Check or Charge? ” 


I just want to scream ENOUGH ALREADY!!! 


After I caught my breath a bit I sent an email to Dr. 3 with a few questions. 


Hello Dr.3, 


I was wondering if you would be able to explain a little bit about what the recent increase in my NK cells could mean. I understand that the level is fairly low, does that still mean the Intralipid infusion absolutely necessary? Also, how likely is this to be an ongoing issue during the rest of my pregnancy? 
Thank you in advance for your time 


Sincerely, ProbablynotgoingtobeabletorelaxuntilI’mwritingacheckforthiskidswedding


His response:


Hi Melissa, 


90% of the patients who require immunology treatment are done by twelve weeks. You fall into the 10% where your NK is still a little elevated and the reason to treat is because of the possibility that the Natural Killer Cells could attack the developing placenta. 


As the placenta gets bigger it is better able to defend itself and that is why most people are usually done by twelve weeks. In patients with severe elevations, it is sometimes necessary to treat them up to 20 weeks, but not beyond. I think it is very likely that your levels will be normal after one more treatment, but the body is not a machine, so one cannot say with certainty until we test again. 


Warm regards, 
Dr. 3 


And my progesterone levels are still stupid – in my opinion. This week came in at 15. I have another 11 days of the suppositories that melt and drip out shortly after I go to bed, mostly because I’m up peeing every two hours. So I have to wonder if I am even getting the benefit of them. Sorry for the rant. And sorry if this sounded like my complaining is unreasonable. Deep down I am grateful to have problems like these, because I am all too aware of the alternative. Thanks for listening. 


Reading. 


Whatever.

The One Where the Universe is on a Roll

I got the call regarding the last bit of my immunology testing.

It's not good.

My TH1 and TH2 and Natural Killer Cell levels are elevated.

I know this isn't the end of the world, but sure feels pretty close to it at the moment.

And I know it can be treated, but right now, I really don't know if I want to.

Fucking. Fantastic.