In the past I always answered this honestly, but vaguely with "someday". Brian and I have since decided that we would be pretty honest from now on, especially because this question would be coming mostly from people we know. But what do we say to strangers? People we've just met who ask very innocently if we have children at all. It's already happened to me twice in the last week and so far I've just given a simple no. Brian thinks that I could come across smug and selfish by not explaining that we actually want them, and tried, but that it didn't work out for us. I however predict crickets during the BIG. GIANT. AWKWARD. pause from the people we JUST met who now know that we are barren. Infertile. Childless, not necessarily by choice. Is it fair to saddle complete strangers with the news of our hardship? I would feel terrible if I just met someone then apologized for my cold and they said "Oh, don't worry about it, I have a rare form of extremely aggressive cancer"....
So help a girl out. Will at least one of the six of you that read this blog leave me a comment with your opinion, or suggestion?
4 comments:
Here is what we say:
Do you have kids? Not yet.
Do you want them? Yes.
When are you going to have them? When we can.
People don't usually ask anything more than that - they may think for financial reasons you are waiting, or many other things...
It does suck how personal people get with that stuff though.
I wish I had the perfect answer but I don't. Typically, I stick to Hayley's script. I just find that question so painful and so personal but realize that outsiders just aren't "thinking" when they ask. For those who know me, maybe eventually I'll tell them the truth but for now I like to keep it simple with "we hope, someday" and then close the conversation. My closest friends, I confide in fully - I need them. For strangers, I just don't think they need to know. It stings my heart and they are left not knowing how to respond. I guess i don't feel like I need to give them a chunk of my pain when they can't fully understand what I'm going through. That hurts more..
I've commented on your blog once before but wanted to send you hugs. I feel your pain, your heartache and I'm happy you are taking a break for yourself and DH, whether it be permenant or temporary - this roller coaster can be all consuming.
I hope all your dreams come true in time :)
I still like "someday." You don't have to launch into details, and it's deliberately vague enough that someone would have to be a nosy jerk to pry. When people ask me when I'm having kids, I say that I already have two, and I introduce them to my pugs.
I think it depends on the person and the situation. A random person in the grocery store- "No." Someone you work with that you could potentially see daily but is being nosy? "Not yet." When? "When it's the right time for us." A caring accquaintance or causal friend: "Hopefully someday." A close friend: should probably already know if they are a close and caring friend.
But... you don't have to have a set rule. Share what you feel comfortable with on a case by case basis. That has worked best for me. And, when you wish you could say more- like about how nosy they are!- think about what you would said if you had no filters.
-Katie/Tootles23
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