I took a pregnancy test yesterday morning. Don't get excited - it was negative. I really didn't think that I would see more than one line, but AF is two days late, and I wanted to drink coffee and alcohol guilt-free. Also I think I'm coming down with an infection (awesome) and I didn't want to worry about scrambling our egg with meds- if you know what I mean. And of course, I know you always do.
I keep all of my TTC paraphernalia in a small storage box in my bathroom linen cabinet, and since January it has been tucked away on the bottom shelf, all the way at the very back. I had to get down on my hands and knees just to reach it. And when I finally pulled it out, it took me a good minute before I could actually open it. I suddenly felt very aware that I was on my hands and knees. Being in that vulnerable position, with that box, and everything it represented instantly flooded my mind with images of the person I used to be.
First the good memories; what it felt like the first time I took a pregnancy test out of that cabinet. The excitement, the realization that I was a grown woman, married, and ready to start my own family. The positive OPK's, and how fun it was to make love because we thought we were creating our family. Then slowly the bad memories crept in; the countless tests with single lines. The disdain I felt for the Dixie cups I used to collect my first morning's urine. The frustration of deciphering how dark the line was on the Internet cheapie OPK. The tears that flowed as I slammed that box back in to the cabinet after yet another BFN. And let us not forget the thousands of calories that I consumed to try to ease the pain. Followed by the deepest depression I've ever known.
I could feel my breath quicken, and I suddenly wanted nothing to do with that box. I haven't looked at it in eight long months. No hpt's not opk's, for the better half of 2010. I was different person last time I saw that box - if I opened it again what would that make me? Is this the beginning of the end of the peace that I've found from our eight month respite? When we move forward with IVF in January, will I lose sight of the strength and balance I've worked so hard to regain?
I read so many of the ALI community's blogs, and I ache as I see some of you in that place where I spent so much of 2008, and 2009. Knee deep in the trenches, overwhelmed with frustration and desperation. But still without the slightest waiver of determination in the quest to become a mother.
In the same distinctive way that some feel lucky to have been dealt the challenge of infertility, myself included, I feel lucky that we didn't have the money to jump right into IVF. Because I wouldn't have had that time to heal so many of the battle wounds, to free myself from the reigns of depression, to loose the 30lbs I gained from eating my feelings. To see how unhealthy I was, and how toxic my addiction to TTC had become to my marriage.
At the end of this month I will attend a seminar given by the man who will most likely become our new RE. And four days after that we'll have phone meeting to get us started on our path to IVF early next year. I feel nothing but bliss with the thought of me possibly being pregnant this time next year, but I'm terrified of losing myself again in the mix of all of it. It's just too damn easy to get swallowed up in the whole process. Expectations vs Results, Realism vs Negativity; I'm four months away from all of it, and already I feel like my strategy's are bullshit.
How did you cope? Did you have plans in place to help manage stress?
22 comments:
I admire you for being so patient, I know what its like to be knee deep in the trenches - not good.
Good to hear from you again!
Not sure how to manage the stress...I am also waiting until January for my next IFV. I am just hoping the next couple months will fly by!
Hmmmm, this is such an interesting post. On the one hand, I was totally there. The pain, the agony, the TRENCHES of repeat IVF failures. But yet...but yet...I do feel we kept on living. That it didn't completely do us in. I will say this: I exercised through the entire process (except right after a retrieval or during a 2WW). It was my sanity and it was ME. Maybe it helped me cope in some small way.
We did our first IVF in Oct. 2007. The second in January 2008. The third in March 2008. The fourth at CCRM in November 2008. Then we waited almost a year for number five....the fresh part in August 2009 and the transfer in Nov. 2009. Maybe spreading them out a little bit helped, too. Time to regroup, to rejoin the living, to forget about TTC and IVF.
I know I'm rambling, and not really giving you much of anything here, but just keep on living through it all, exercise, eat right, spoil each other, go out, have fun and oh yeah--in the in between give yourself the shots and make the appointments and all of THAT too--and you'll be ok. It doesn't have to swallow you whole--just being aware of that is going to put you way out in front :)
Beautiful post. Thank you for sharing. I am with you on so much of what you said. TTC since 2008, diagnosed with MFI and FI since 2009, and now a year after those diagnosis's starting IVF 1.0.
I too am grateful for the time I had to dig out of the deep depression I was in. and I am scared of going back.. but I'm giving it my best. If I'm spending tens of thousands of dollars I'm gonna do everything in my power to make this a success.
The waiting has always been the hardest part for me. I did everything in my power to keep busy. If you could plan a vacation..even a small weekend thing...I would highly recommend it. It was the only thing that kept me sane.
Melissa your posts always have me nodding along in agreement and exclaiming 'yes that's how i feel too!' You have achieved so much mental and physical strength these past few months and it will carry you far. We will all be here willing you on - and even if you do get a little lost as we all do, (i'm there now) we find our way out eventually. Big hugs.
So well written and I wish I had more time to comment more but I'm on my lunch break and technically not supposed to be blog hopping anyway. I did want to say that the number one best thing I did to cope and manage stress was so simple- I listened to Bob Marley's 3 Little Birds song every day on my way to work, sometimes multiple times, and always the last song as I pulled in. I had it timed so it would end right when I parked. Hearing and sometimes singing those words "Don't worry 'bout a thing- every little thing's gonna be alright" over and over got it stuck in my head that it truly was gonna be alright no matter what. So I suggest find your go-to song that will get a mantra stuck in your head like that- it really does work.
It is hard SO to keep the stress level down, but DH & I made sure we had weekly date nights (no matter our mood), travel, and exercise (yoga). It's good to hear from you!!
Wonderful post. I can so relate to that feeling of being on hands and knees and feeling so vulnerable. The stress of any IF treatment. or even natural cycles, is almost unbearable. I hope that you can find a way to manage it up until and during your IVF cycle. I have always found that staying as busy as possible helps me to forget. The more plans I have, the less likely I am to think about my cycle.
I wish I could offer some great advice from experience about how I coped with the stress. But my only real coping mechanism sometimes was to just keep going. And to put things in my life (like vacations, seminars about other things I really care about, etc) to remind me that my little life and infertility weren't really the biggest, worst, or most important things in the universe. And that things weren't really as bad as they seemed. And that I was a complete person even without a baby!
And I have to point out the irony that my security word that Google wants me to type in to post this comment is "meness." I'm sure the intended spelling is "me-ness." And that's not what we're going for :).
You have had so much resolve and patience over these last 9 months. I don't have any good ideas for coping & stress management during IVF. I certainly didn't do either very well, but part of that may have been plowing ahead for 4 years of treatments w/o any real breaks. I can say that finding an RE with a good rep that you feel comfortable with is huge. There is enough to worry about w/o feeling you can't trust your RE. And 30 lbs - you should be damn proud!
Thinking of you!
Wow, a deeply reflective post. It touches on the joys of when you first started and then to the deep depression that had such a grip. I can understand your reservations in moving forward and being concerned if those feelings and behaviors will resurface. But I think this time will be different because you are different. As you said, you had the opportunity to heal, even if it wasn't entirely your choice. I hope other women in this community can give you some insights as you prepare to become active again in your plan to expand your family soon. You have come so far in taking care of you, remember that and hold onto that strength.
Great post and I am sure so many of us can relate to your words.
For me, action was the best stress reliever - I decided that I wanted to feel as if I had done absolutely everything possible to ensure our success. I exercised, I ate well, I change my working life to part time to minimise stress, I researched, researched, researched and tried everything I could to ensure success from acupuncture, subliminal recordings, hypnosis recordings, castor oil packs and many, many other things!!
Everyone has their own coping mechanisms and I am sure that you will find your way - blogging is pretty helpful :)
Totally, totally get the flood of emotions as you begin to gear up for your first, and what is hopefully your last, IVF. Your vulnerability opening that IF Pandora's box, I very much get it.
You know I/we will be holding your hand every step of the way...tightly or gently as you need! Was just asked for 1st timer IVF advice for a fellow Monkey Sister's friend and shared an email that Nikki and I drafted to another Monkey Sis before her 1st IVF. Will gladly forward to you, when the time is right.
Bottom line is you absolutely can do it. You asked for coping/stress management advice. Relaxation CDs were such a help to me (and new age-y stuff was so not my cup of tea), keeping my blog but also a private handwritten journal just for IVF thoughts, and remembering to "treat" myself (and J)...walks in the park, time out just for me kinda stuff. I actually pulled away from in-person IF Sista support those weeks and kind of retreated into myself, which was different b/c usually I'm always reaching out to the other ladies. I think you will find what's best for you and think it's great you're asking others what worked for them.
Remember, we're right there...lighting our "little candles" for you.
X's and O's~~~
PS - I was a few days later than normal, too, and took a pg test. Negative, of course. Ironically, just as I sat down to use it, had the tiniest of spotting right at that moment. **Oh, you little sliver of hope, you.**
I have a box full of similar stuff as well (actually, if we're being specific mine is a bag) and everytime i glance at it or open it I have the same feelings you did. It holds SO MUCH more than just meds and stuff we pee on, it holds our expectations and our worries and a lot of feelings that we've pushed underground.
It's nice to read that you're at peace with things now and you seem like you're in a great place. The break away has obviously been worth it and you are amazingly strong and awesome to have achieved the weightloss you have so far, super awesome.
x
great post, I was right there with you on the floor, with the box in my hand! oh the emotions so so raw, many of which I dont think I have dealt with - or dealt with in the right way!!! I have two children (domestic adoption) and after 8 yers am having a surprise , unmedicated, only one man in the room when it happened! pregnancy, I am 18 weeks this week and am still in shock- and well the pain, it is still so raw! I have a grief box with things from those years in it and am hoping one day to bury or burn it, or keep it I still dont know. good luck on your journey and just know you are not alone!!
I'm sure bringing out that box was extremely difficult. You have worked so hard to find that peace and get to the place you are at now. I'm so impressed by your strength and honesty throughout all of this and the way you have been proactive in doing whatever IS in your hands to make this work ( like losing 30 lbs. HOLY CRAP that's awesome). It only makes sense that you are guarded when it comes to hoping for what might be next. There have been so many downs on this rollercoaster of IF, it's only natural that you would approach this with a guarded heart. I'm so excited for this next step for you. Please know that we are here for you every step of the way and if you need to vent, talk, squeal, cry, laugh, we'll do the same with you. Love you and I'm so proud of you!
I can definitely relate to all of those feelings that came with pulling out that box. I don't have any great tips for coping - I feel like my emotional response and thoughts vary each day or each cycle. But know I am excited for you to take your next steps and hope they fill your life with nothing but joy!
i stopped doing home pregnancy tests. i feel like they're a waste of money and create painful expectations.
Oh M, your post brought tears to my eyes. You have come SUCH a long way and your strength simply shines through your words.
There will always be rough times. The uncertainty of it all can really rock the ground you stand on but remember we're always here for you. I'm just an email away if you want to vent. Also, remember where you are today. I went through a similar forced limbo time in which I worked on my relationship and got to a point where I knew how lucky I was to be with my wonderful husband. I believe you're in that place now so hold it dearly in your heart.
I'm extremely proud to see you conquer your goals: have a strong marriage, lose all that weight (WOW! I should learn from your willpower!) and coming to terms with the fact that you're so much more than a uterus.
On a more practical level, I took up guided meditation (which I'd never done before) and it worked absolute wonders for me. Still does today.
Remember, you're not alone ;-)
Hugs!
Found your blog via ICLW. I had been avoiding the infertilty blogs on there, assuming I wouldn't find them as relevant to me as the autism blogs, but yours is really terrific! Have just been poking around on here, enjoying your posts, and thinking that your sense of humor is wonderful and will serve you well as you continue this journey; and will especially prove invaluable once you have children, as well.
By the way, I read your whole "100 things" and found it very amusing. Wish there was a place to leave comments on it! Don't worry, they dropped that rabid monkey into a quarry and he was never seen again. ;-)
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