Here

If I had a nickel for all the draft posts I’ve written over the last two weeks, I could probably help pay for an IUI cycle. But I’m in such a weird place, I’m having a hard time finding the words. And I’m feeling really strange about posting pregnancy related stuff here for a few reasons. 1. In all my day dreams about actually being pregnant, I imagined starting a new blog for just pregnancy stuff, while keeping this an IF place. 2. This whole pregnancy thing? Still not very real to me. I have accepted it on an intellectual level, but it’s still kind of difficult to wrap my head around. I had another u/s last Friday and part of me wondered if they were just playing a tape on the monitor. No joke. And even as we drove home I stared at the little gummy bear like figure in the shaded photo, and could hardly grasp the concept that it was a picture from my insides. It’s just so bizarre.

I’ve had several breakdowns feeling like things were over – triggered by fluctuating or lack of symptoms and just plain fear. We told Brian’s parents two weeks ago, because his Mom is going through Chemo and we felt like she could use a boost. They are over the moon, and it most certainly did lift my MIL’s spirits. It was fun to tell them, but pretty surreal, and it prompted an influx of irrational thoughts. Superstitious thoughts. And I’m not really a superstitious person. Telling them is sort of what prompted me to wait to tell my family. And I still can’t put my finger on why. It’s like I’m afraid there is a quota for happiness and we’re getting close to the end our allotment. Which I know makes no fucking sense at all.

So the whole 'start a new blog' thing… Part of me felt like starting up someplace new would be my show of respect to those still fighting the fight. They could still “know me” and count me as a sister without being bombarded by the evidence that I was lucky enough to get to the other side of all this after just one IVF cycle (not that I’m completely on the other side). Please know that I realize how fortunate I am to have fallen on the right side of the 60% success rate. Truly, I do. But another part of me thought about how much I’ve come to love this place, and how much history it holds. Albeit a mostly painful history, but in a strange way I’m proud of all the crap we’ve been through. I also thought about the many blogs I continued to read even though they had crossed over to pregnancy and even parenthood. I still loved them as sisters. They still know the hurt, they’re just in a different phase of life.  So the jury is still out on whether I’ll start up some place new, but for now I’ll keep posting here. If you’re not up for reading anything pregnancy related I’ll suggest you stop reading now. For the immediate future I will be using this place to document my transition from infertility to pregnancy. Weird.

So today I am 9 weeks and 4 days. When I look back to the day we first saw our positive test it seems like so long ago, though each individual week passes like molasses. Symptom wise, the fatigue has finally kicked in full gear. Yes, I was a bit tired before, but not to the extreme so many other women talked about. I was tired by the end of the day but by no means exhausted. As of about four days ago I am officially wiped by about 1pm every day. Boobs are still tender but much more manageable, I am now able to forgo the sports bra at night. I’m using the bell.aban.d with every pair of pants I own, and last week after my second u/s I allowed myself to order some maternity jeans online. I have to get them online for two reasons. 1 I am entirely too paranoid to go into an actual store because A) I’m just not ready for that. B) I’m terrified to be seen by someone I know. C) In the very back of my mind there is the irrational superstition that buying something could mean the worst for our little one. Yes, I’m aware that I’m insane. And 2. I’m 5’10 with a 34 inch inseam. I usually have to buy most of my jeans/pants online anyway, so it’s no biggie. I still doubt that I’m showing but I’m a little doughy and bloaty and it’s really uncomfortable to suck it in or have any kind of pressure on my abdomen. So maternity pants it is, however premature that may be. Food wise, the nausea has let up a bit, though I am prone to a sour stomach. The only aversion I have right now is to anything sweet, which seems moderately blasphemous because I’ve had a pretty big sweet tooth my entire life. Part of me wonders if this is really my kid. (KIDDING). Dairy, I heart dairy. I’ve been plowing through 1 gallon jugs of 2% milk since about 5 weeks. I drink it as a snack on a pretty regular basis, it’s also very good at helping to settle my stomach. I’m looking forward our next u/s which will be next Thursday (the 26th). I’ll do my best to get the pic up from my most recent u/s before the next appointment. 

I guess the last thing is just to thank you all again for your amazing support, and the sincerity behind your congratulations to me. It’s been overwhelming, in such a very good way.