Reminiscing

I've been thinking about the days when I spent hours pondering and analyzing potential pregnancy symptoms. 

My how things come full circle. 

Because I've spent the last 48 hours pondering and analyzing potential labor signs... And I just remembered that before I found out I was pregnant, I'd had ZERO symptoms. I was fairly certain our IVF cycle hadn't worked. And the entire week before that I had gone back and forth in my head, "it TOTALLY worked!" - "We're NEVER going to be parents." and so on...

Once again I find myself hanging in the balance of "Could this be it?!"... Is today the day?

Only in the past two or three days have I started to feel any anxiety about the due date. It's gets crazy when you can say with certainty that sometime within the next 15 days, you will have a baby. And I think I'm starting to get a little freaked out. Though I can't exactly pinpoint why. Part of me feels unprepared for labor, even though just a week ago I felt disturbingly confident. My emotions are all over the place. I'm cranky, whiny, bitchy, paranoid, anxiety-ridden, and then fine. I did not see any of that coming...

Physically this pregnancy is getting a lot harder. It's not just hard to bend down, but it actually hurts now - it feels very crampy. My hands and feet are very swollen and I've developed pretty substantial Carpal Tunnel. I can barely make a fist. I feel a lot of pressure in my nether regions, but not all day everyday. It's worse in the morning and at night. Or if I've been sitting or laying down for a long time. And sometimes when I turn my right foot out to the side, I get this awful dull pain that runs down my groin. P.S. the baby's head is on that side. Sleeping is still poo. My back hurts a lot. But I'm still loving every minute of this pregnancy, and despite all the physical discomfort; feeling a little sad that it's almost over. 

The baby seems to be doing well. Although last night I'd swear he/she had like four frappachino's or something. It felt like he/she was trying to swim to the bottom of the tank, if that makes any sense. Crazy constant movement. And even as it got really uncomfortable and disruptive (kept me awake!) I couldn't help but laugh as I watched my belly moving up and down and side to side. It was truly rambunctious. 

I have an appointment with my midwife tomorrow at 4:15pm. At my last appointment she told me she'll want to do an internal just to have a look at things.  And for the first time I feel okay with that. I felt so much indifference before because I know that whatever dilation/effacement measurement she gives me, it won't necessarily indicate when labor might start, so why bother? I wasn't planning to anything to evict my little one anyway. At least not within the first ten days after my due date anyway. But within the last couple of days I've begun to challenge my original non-plan plans. My acupuncturist assured me that doing a session with her wouldn't necessarily be like hitting an eject button, it would only work if my body was ready to allow it to work. I made an appointment for this Friday, but I'm probably going to cancel it...

I'm 39 Weeks, 4 days and currently feeling like I just don't know what to do with myself. 

Maybe it's just the pressure of "any day now"...