Or not.
I really hate to admit this, but I drastically underestimated the weight of the transition of becoming a SAHM. Emotionally and dynamically with me and my marriage. It's been really hard. And I did not see that coming.
Apparently have you to be, like, tremendously self motivated and stuff. There is most certainly a Busy Bee side to me, but being busy and organized should really go hand in hand. And well organized, I am not. Which has become disturbingly clear since taking on this new role. I am currently looking into a program called Motivated Mom's which helps you keep on task and make sure you get all your goals accomplished each day. And by "looking into" I mean, I've had a tab open on the same browser window of the web page for like two weeks. But haven't really gotten around to doing anything with it...
I can stay busy, but getting all of my goals accomplished each day rarely seems to happen. Example: I will start cooking Leah's food for the next few days while she is down for a nap. In the middle of it, I'll notice the spice cabinet is a little messy. So I start cleaning and purging (please, at least one person out there say you know where I'm going with this) then all of a sudden I hear Leah chattering, it's three hours later, the house is a wreck and I have nothing for Brian and I for dinner. BUT the spice cabinet is clean! So suck on that!
Also it's just been a strange transition for Brian and I. I have been working since I was 15. So I've technically had a job longer than I haven't. (been working for almost 19 years - I'm almost 34 - get it?) So it's weird not to be earning anything, or not to be productive in a traditional sense - meaning the definition of being 'productive' has drastically changed and I don't know how to handle it. I think I also worry too much about what other people think about this role. Not just mine, but the SAHM label in general. Let me clarify a few things; I'm not hung up on the money part. Brian and I have had a joint account since day one. And there was a long period of time where I made more, and supported the household while Brian was in the transition of leaving his job and building his business. But I never thought of it as being the sole earner then. I would deposit my paycheck and it was like: here is this money for us. Yada Yada. And while raising a child and staying at home with them, has always been a dream and a goal for both of us. It's just a really big change and I'm still not even sure I can put my finger on what the big problem is exactly.
I think in someways, Brian is struggling with the weight of being a sole provider on an unsteady income. He makes basically the same every month, but it is completely dependent upon his ability to keep the clients coming in. Anyone can see that is an assload of pressure. And so it seems that he technically works hard than me. Not to say that I don't work hard, or that I don't have tough days, but they are different. I have a lot more freedom, but I technically never get time off. I have not and will not ever speak for Brian, but my thoughts are that he struggling with the pressure and is a wee bit envious of my free time. Meanwhile I don't want the so called freedom to underrate what it is I do, just because there isn't a check for me to show that proves my worth. Did I tell you about the spice cabinet? Is anybody listening? Am I making a lick of sense?
I have no idea...
Anyway, sorry for having been MIA. I have a lot of posts to finish and publish. I just need to sit down and get them done. Right after I figure out how to get all my other shit done.... Le Sigh.
6 comments:
I really appreciate you writing such an honest post. I go back and forth daily on if I should quit my job after baby #2 or if I will really regret the decision. I can imagine what an adjustment it would be, and that's part of the reason I can't commit one way or the other. Sure it would be nice to run errands or go to the park whenever I want, not get up at 6 am and be away from home 40+ hours a week, but can I handle being cooped up in the house for that many hours with two kids? B/c let's face it, I don't think I can manage taking them both out multiple times a week just to get out of the house.
I hope things level out for you soon and you all get into a routine. I had to laugh at your spice rack example, that sounds exactly like my husband. He has ADHD and will no sooner start on a project and then pick up two or three others and end up with one big mess of uncompleted projects. Drives me nuts, but I love him. :)
This makes a lot of sense to me, and I am not a SAHM. I feel like when I am home I am never doing "enough". The house is never "clean enough", and I struggle to find balance between playing with Alex and doing me stuff while he's happily playing alone. Hang in there!
I've been a SAHM for a year (am going back to work in a week, sob), and I think routine is everything. Our routine is: wake, breakfast, play, run (baby in jogging stroller napping), lunch, bath, nap (mom gets stuff done here), play, start dinner at 5 so it's ready for 6, dinner at 6, dad plays with baby 7 to 8, baby bedtime at 8.
Anyway, there's not a lot of free time in there to be self-motivated. We also have a few weekly activities, such as library story time which help break things up. I also suggest getting out of the house daily for some reason, doesn't matter what.
I would have a hard time being a full time SAHM for all of the reasons you mentioned above. I routinely get more done on my work days then my stay at home days currently. When I'm home though, I'm working on setting a goal of 1-2 things to have done BY NOON...then again BY SIX.... just to keep me motivated and on task. Getting out of the house also helps!
Good luck - you can do it.
I totally get it. I was a SAHM to Little K ages 3-almost 5 and it was HARD WORK. While I still never managed to get anything on my to-do list done. Ugh.
I think you're very right about the pressure a husband feels when he is the sole provider. All of a sudden, there isn't a safety net. It's got to be tough.
Thinking of all of you!
Oh this made me laugh. Of course I am lauging with you. ;) So I'm almost a year into this SAHM gig and I'm wondering what these daily goals are of which you speak. LOL.
Seriously I can relate so much. Started delivering papers at age 9 on my bicycle and have had a paying job ever since (probably not legally, but they will give any kid a cornknife to walk the bean fields in NE).
Anyway...If this is any help I transitioned the same way. Oh, I'll just wipe down this high shelf that requires a ladder. When was this last dusted?! Bucket, sponge, water, ladder, and decor now scattered everywhere...and then C would decide to boycott naps in her crib for a couple days and only sleep being held (early days) so the ladder was still in the middle of the dining room when the weekend rolled around and I felt like a complete failure on a daily basis.
It gets better. I don't always feel like I have to be doing some crazy over the top project anymore to "earn" my keep. The baby is happy and thriving. The floors are as clean as they can be with 3 dogs and a baby. Life is more in a groove again.
I sometimes miss the satisfaction I got when turning in a big report/presentation because most household things I do now are repetitive and mindless, BUT it is the best job I have had in my almost 30 years of working...hands down.
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