A Lesson

I feel foolish. I look back and can hardly believe I had such a cavalier outlook on starting a family. I was excited and thought, this is it, I'm ready, here we go...thinking I would be pregnant within a few months.

Seven months later I am not pregnant and part of me wonders why I am so upset about not being pregnant yet. I cry and then blame it on PMS. I used to wonder why it was so consuming for some women. How is that all that they can think about?

But then one particularly low afternoon I had to dig deep as to why I was so deeply affected. I had to rationalize it. Pick it apart. I began by telling myself that I have only been trying for 7 months, and that many women have been trying for years... How dare I get upset after only a few months with no success. Then I started to think back to the day that I realized I was ready. I know exactly where I was and what I was doing. I also remember being surprised at what a primal feeling it was for me. The answer to the question of when you are going to have children comes to you the same way the other answers to profound decisions you make in your life comes. You just know. There are no more questions, there is no doubt. It was like a switch flipped. It was my gut that spoke to me, an instinct, something so deep I was a little shocked by my own undeniable certainty.

That is why I cried today.Because that side of me has taken over, and wants to complete a single task. Now that I have picked it apart and made a little sense of it, I still feel like crying. I still ache. My lesson for today: Answers are not always solutions.