23 Months

Dearest Leah,

Another busy month, down for the count. Can I just say how fascinating it is to watch you discover things? You've taken plenty of selfies with my phone, but this is the first time I let you wander around with my camera - the point and shoot, anyhow.  I love how focused you get with new things...

And how much you want to do what the grownups are doing.

 

Like using keys! Though not typically for Baby Gates...

We spent a lot of time celebrating Halloween this year, though the actual day was quite mellow. We had a few of your closest friends over for a little fun the weekend before.  Kids are so stinkin' cute in costumes! Though it was like pulling teeth trying to get four of you in one shot for a picture. :)

 But you were a little more flexible on the big day. We just had one set of friends over, and you were in bed by 7:30.

Prior to this year I hadn't dressed up for Halloween in about 15 years. And before that I was probably in the sixth grade... But something about putting you in a costume, really made me want your dad and I to be a part of it. Something about being with you and introducing you to things makes me care so much more about everything I'd let go of so long ago. 

You weren't totally keen on the whole costume part for yourself, but you LOVED seeing other peoples. And everytime you saw me with The Count's head on, you pointed and said "AHH. AHH. AHH." It was HILARIOUS.  Halloween makes it seem like the rest of the holidays are just around the corner. And I could not be more excited! 

You've been more and more interested in books lately, which makes me SO happy. We always ready you three before nap and bed time, but now you want to read them all again as soon as you wake up! And you make it a point to thumb through them in your glider alone. 

You're growing up so fricken quickly, I just don't know what to do, other than just take it all in and try to savor each little mile stone. You are amazing. Simply, a gift. And such a good, good soul. I love you.

Can't wait to see what the next month brings...

Love,
Momma

22 Months

Dearest Leah,

This has been a particularly fun month to watch you grow and learn. You've made so many fun discoveries! And holy crow, you hit the three foot mark!

(A selfie with a pilfered camera)

(Marking down your height on our giant ruler growth chart)

The first, and most exciting - BOOKS! We've always had lots of books around. Since you used to have very little interest in them other than peeking at a few pictures and pointing out the things you know or like I mostly just read them alound while you played. But since summer is gone now we eliminated a bath from your pre-bedtime routine (which was used to cool you off before bed since our old house is usually four trillion degrees by the end of the day). So the first night that we skipped bath I sat with you in the glider and read a few books. You of course love Goodnight Moon, and I Love You Through and Through. But it's just so wonderful to snuggle with you and watch listen. Just Listen...

 (You reading "I'll See You in the Morning")

A long time ago your Dad and I got in the habit of calling each other pie. And recently you have as well. Although I'm still not sure you are actually calling either of us, you do say it on a regular enough basis that it's entirely possible. And SO fricken cute. PIIIYEEE?

This month we also attended your first Hockey game! It was the Sharks vs Senators. As expected, we only made it through the first period and most of that time was spent running around the halls of the area. You wouldn't wear the hearing protection I brought for you, so inside the tank was entirely too loud. But it was fun walking around with you! We'll give it another few years...:)

You also got your flu shot this month, and man. It did not go well. You didn't have any adverse reactions on a physical level, but holy crow did it put you in a tailspin. None of my tricks worked: Whipping your favorite blankie out of my purse; a Sippy cup and or snack. So we jumped in the car and headed to the closest Starbucks. I promptly ordered a warm whole milk, a croissant, a blueberry scone and a grandenonfatonepumpwhitemocha for me. I don't know if it was the fact that you got to use a straw or the fact that I let you consume an entire croissant on your own, but that little stop changed your day. 

Your dad and I decided to take a weekday afternoon off and head over to Half Moon Bay to their Pumpkin Patch. Not only did we luck out with AMAZING weather, but we had the entire place to ourselves until right before we left. It's on the pacific coastline, so the weather is more often than not, cloudy and overcast this time of year. Our visit was everything I could have hoped for. 

 (Point and Shoot. How much skill does it take to put the subject of a picture in the center of a shot (?!), pumpkin farm worker guy...Not a terrible pic tho.)

We had a very busy month, but it was just so much fun. As much as I still feel a longing for those last few days of summer, that day at the pumpkin patch made me very excited about the holidays this year and introducing you to so many wonderful traditions.

                         Can't wait to see what the next month brings!

Love,
Momma

21 Months!

Dearest Leah,

This month has been super eventful and much better than the cranky-filled month of August. I'm not even sure where to start!  

 

Every morning when we get up, I shower, warm up your morning BA! (sippycup full of milk) and hand it over to you while singing a morning time song. You bounce and beam at me from your crib while reaching for your cup. And after drinking so much, so quickly that you are literally out of breath, you loiter. It must take a good 15 minutes to convince you to get out of your crib. You hand me your stuffed animals one at a time.

Sock Monkey, whom you offer a sip of milk to before handing her over.

Stuffed Monkey whom will, despite your best efforts, not sit up on the railing of your crib.

Cookie Monster.

And the Strawberry Shortcake doll I bought you from a garage sale.

THEN each of your three blankies...

 You recently became embarrasingly interested in your nostrils. You quite often have a finger in one of them, especially when you are sucking your thumb. You use the index finger on your right hand to plug up your nose. It's sort of adorable, but also a little inappropriate, so I just remind you to take it out and move on. 

Speaking of inappropriate! Earlier this month while taking your evening bath, we were playing and having a great ol' time. Until you laughed so hard that you pooped. Since you were facing me, I wasn't even exactly sure when it happened, until you handed me a nugget of it with your usual inflection of a question with a sound. "Uhhhaahhh???"  (although sometimes you say "Gwhaat?"), Anyhoo, a quick shower and a bleaching of the toys made everything a-okay. 

We started in a Co-Op this month! The experience of it for me has been a tad different than yours. But I think it's going to be better once I understand the politics in's and out's of it all. More on that if I get around to it later. If you don't know what a co-op is it's basically like a Pre-Pre-School, where there is one parent attending with each child, and 1-2 teachers. There are 12 kids in our class, and it's once a week for about 2.5 hours. It's starts with free play, then there is a snack about half way through. Then more play, then songs and a book, followed by the Goodbye song. It's essentially a way to build a community, meet Mom's with kids the same age and help your child learn social skills. They do have parts of the class where you sit in groups and discuss child development, parenting, and all related issues -(sleeping, eating, discipline, etc.) I think we're going to have a lot of fun. 

You have gotten better about having your diaper changed, but it still requires convincing. Last week we were in a bit of a time crunch and I didn't have time to do the usual song and dance to prepare you for what was coming. So your response was to first, scream bloody murder, and then to bite me. I was holding you, so you leaned into my chest and bit, well I guess you'd call it my pectoral.  HARD. You didn't draw blood, but you left a good bruise. And it hurt like a - it hurt a lot. So much so that I cried out the second it happened. That at least curbed your crying. So I told you that you hurt Momma, and showed you the mark. I repeated owwie, and boo-boo, until you started to calm yourself and appeared to understand that you had hurt me. It hasn't happened since and I think we're both pretty grateful for that!  

So, Halloween is coming up and I am SUPER excited. I love fall and Halloween has grown on me A LOT the last few years. I'm planning a family themed idea for costumes, but we'll see what comes of it. I already have your costume, but I have to see if your dad and I are brave enough to wear ours...

Baby girl, it is an honor to watch you grow, and I am so thankful to witness it. 

Can't wait to see what the next month brings!

Love, 
Momma

Are Ya Gonna?

They're starting to ask questions. Friends, Family, Neighbors, and nosey effing strangers.

Are you going to have more children?

When is number two?

Do you think you want more children?

If you're going to have more, you better get started! TICK, TICK, TICK!

Hey people, guess what? It's six years later and my opinion hasn't changed. The status of occupancy in my hooha is really none of your effing business.

I will say that having a child has softened me as well as helped me become A LOT more tactful, so I of course do not speak to anyone that way. And heck, on a good day, I can even see that what they are asking isn't really all that unreasonable. But I still feel like it's pretty private information, and mostly make it a habit not to ask anyone of their plans. And I guess really, I don't mind when close friends ask. But when strangers and certain family members ask, I feel like the only right answer is: YES! Of course we'll have more!!! And if I say: No, or we're not sure yet, it means we don't actually like children enough to deal with more than one...  I also feel compelled to explain how much and how long it took us to just get Leah. And how grateful we are to at least have her.

But to be completely honest here, Brian and I have been going back and forth a lot lately. With no immediate decisions or actions made. The consensus (fortunately) is that we feel pretty fulfilled with just having Leah. We do have one frozen embryo, but we don't know when or if we are going to use it. 

Yet. 

At all?

We have a lot of reasons not to go forward with it, but only a few, albeit VERY strong reasons to use it.

My Internal Arguments are as follows:

I would love to have another baby!
counter: But I do feel complete with our family the way it is.

I truly loved every second of being pregnant. Even the vomitous, sleepless, achy parts.
While that statement is completely accurate, it was actually really hard on my body physically. I have had pretty chronic issues with my back for years, and pregnancy didn't help it. And having a little one to pick up and carry around daily has perpetuated the physical strain. Regular Chiropractic care and stretching is an absolute must, and even with diligence in both of those areas, I have had a few significant episodes. And yes, we are still working out religiously two-three times a week. Which has helped SO much.

It would be great to have a sibling for Leah, since she won't have any first cousins, and both our families are relatively small already.
I feel like we could provide pretty well for Leah, if we were to only have one child. Two, and they would each have to be partially be responsible for their college tuition. (not the end of the world) But it wouldn't just be college. It would mean Brian and I would both probably have to work a lot longer, possibly well into our retirement years. Something neither of us may physically be able to do.

We chose to create embryo's and I feel a certain responsibility to use the one remaining guy (or girl!) that we have.
I literally lose my breath when I think about setting foot in my RE's office. The thought of lab tests - and waiting for the dreaded results, dildo cams,  PIO shots, having a black and blue stomach from weeks of heparin shots, driving 60 miles round trip for Intralipid infusions once per week - at $550 a pop for an unforeseen amount of time -tho no more than 17 weeks (if I got pg). Not to mention the fact that every single item I listed would be a 100% out of pocket expense. We're looking at 7-9k, easy. Just for an FET. And all I can think about is how that money could be better spent, than gambling it, and IT IS A GAMBLE; gambling it on the possibility of having another child. (BUT HOW CAN YOU PUT A PRICE ON THAT?!?) It could also mean I  wouldn't be able to stay home with them... 

Really when I boil it down, at this point - I want to NOT go through anymore treatments MORE than I want another baby. If that makes sense. And all at the same time I am grateful that we even have another embryo to get to make this choice.

The good news is, my embryo was made when I was 32. I'll be 35 next year, and in my mind I'm okay with trying it as late as 37. So I don't have to make any decisions today. The Bad news? I guess I'll just have to keep fielding the questions for the next three-ish years....

20 Months!

Dearest Leah,

Oh, my sweetest baby girl. I'm not sure how to say this. 

It's been a rough month. 

Molars.

Growth Spurt. 

Newly Found Freedoms... And apparently, opinions. 

Let's start with the Molars. One day a few weeks ago, you started the day off a little cranky, and by the end of the day I noticed a low grade fever. Then around 1am that night, you woke up crying and wouldn't go back down. Your fever went away in the following 36 hours, but the night wakefulness and crankiness were constant for about 5-6 days. I would try to slip you some tylenol in your sippy cup, but you weren't eating or drinking much. Just snacking occasionally, and drinking water throughout the day. When you'd wake up in the middle of the night, I'd go in with an army of blankets and pillows and set up camp on your glider - which thankfully reclines. And we'd lay there and glide with you until you were calm enough to get back in your crib.

As soon as that cleared up you went straight into a growth spurt and slept constantly. One night you slept 15 hours straight. And there were three days where you slept almost 21 hours a day including your naps. When you'd wake up in the morning you were still tired, so your dad and I would take turns going in to lay in the glider with you. And you'd sleep another 30-40 minutes with us. While it was a bummer to see you not quite yourself, there was a small part of me that reveled in the snuggle time. 

And the next week, your sleep was back on track but you ate all day, everyday. Constantly hungry, not 20 minutes after any meal you were asking for more food - "Nom, Nom?" You'd say with the inflection of a question? I'd laugh and say "Are you SERIOUSLY hungry again, monkey???" And you'd reply with an emphatic "NOM, NOM, NOM, NOM, NOM!" And sure enough, I'd get you a banana and you'd finish every last bite of it. Giggling every time I'd offer you another piece. 

And throughout this time there reigned a level of crankiness, the likes of which I'd never seen. If there was ever a request of you, that you didn't happen to agree with, you made your feelings blatantly obvious.  There was one evening when it took us ninety minutes to get home from the store because I physically, could not get you into the car. (I'd hurt my shoulder pretty badly - I'm fine now.) But it was so bad I could not get you into the car, you'd buck and scream and cry and I just had to deal with it. We were walking back to the car through an outdoor - I don't even know what you call it - It's like a long grassy knoll, with an Olympic length water feature, and a couple of bridge like walkways. Any way, each time I'd try to get you back to the car you crouch down like this:

And if we were on a walk and you didn't feel like walking or letting me carry you - which KILLED my shoulder, you'd do this:

Time to change your diaper? I don't think so: 

You'd flip over and scream bloody murder. 

Again, bad shoulder... Made it difficult to correct you. 

And just when it got to be too much. I had called your pediatrician to ask about disciplinary book recommendations for toddlers. Because I couldn't take it anymore. And the very next day; Was just the best day ever. 

That morning we started your swim class again, and you LOVED it. Then we went to the farmers market. We ate croissants and apples, and tailgated with sippy cups and a mocha for me. The weather was gorgeous. It was just awesome. And though the rest of the day was uneventful, I can't remember a day when we'd ever laughed so much. 

While you're still not using your words as much as I'd like, I can see your wheels turning. And you're mimicking phrases, and I'm working on sign language with you. We're getting there.

YOu're also starting to show a bit more interest in the potty, and you frequently sit down on your potty while momma is on one too. 

Your daddy had been working like a mad man lately, so we trying to get down to the office every day to see him. And sometimes we can steal him away long enough to get to the near by park. But he also does his best to sleep in with us a couple times during the week (7am is sleeping in for him), and that way we can wake up and have breakfast together! 

So again, this month has been a bit challenging but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. And we're both doing our best to figure everything out! We'll get there, I promise!

Can't wait to see what the next month brings!

Love, 

momma

19 Months

Dearest Leah,

This has been a lovely summer so far. It's been astonishing to realize just how much you understand. Every night when we get ready for bath time we strip you down to your diaper in which ever room you have been playing in, then I pick up your clothes and hand them to you and tell you to go put them in the hamper. You do so gleefully, while doing your best to keep them in your arms while teedering down the hallway to your room. It's so fricken cool. 

Your hair is finally starting to fill in, but you will not for the life of you allow me to brush it or put a barrette in it. You twist and scream and cry when ever I even think about pinning your hair back on one side. And DAMMAT you look so cute with it... Oh well.

It was tutu hot to wear clothes

Food! Your momma tends to get in food ruts. I guess it's because I can eat the same thing over and over for weeks and not mind. But I forget that other people don't always feel that way. So recently I've gotten a little more experimental with your foods. While I whole heartedly plan to keep you from most processed foods, I have given in to a few small indulgences. An.nie's Mac & Cheese (it's organic, and has less sodium than Kra.ft) I usually add peas or broccoli to it, and you don't seem to notice one bit. Though I will say you are pretty good about eating your vegatables anyway. I buy a large bag of frozen chicken tenders from costco and you eat practically every day. Until recently I'd just been baking them in a little olive oil with garlic and oregano. But just recently I've started baking them with diced (unsalted) canned tomatoes. YOU LOVE IT. I also throw in some basil and garlic with a pinch of Parmesan. Yum. One other convenient indulgence has been - gawd I hate to admit this - toaster waffles. Sometimes gluten free, sometimes regular. I know they are not the worst thing in the world, but I've just been SO anal about keeping processed foods out of your diet, it seems a little blasphemous now. But they are SO easy, and you love them with a little (natural) peanut butter on top.  I also started making you quesadillas. Cheese is one of your favorite foods, (you are your mother's daughter after all) I usually add chicken and broccoli, or whatever veggie is already cooked for you. I throw a little cumin and onion powder in with the cheese then add the chicken and broccoli and top the outside with a little butter and garlic powder. You seem to like this one pretty well too. 

 You always drink out of the side of your mouth while in your highchair, 

like you're throwing back a brewski...

I guess it's clear to see what a large role food plays in my life. I wake up in the morning so I can get up and eat. Conversations around the table with my family have always been centered around the latest recipes. So in 11-12 years from now when your teenage mind takes over and you hate me and your dad, I hope that cooking is still something you and I can do together. And your dad will remain the taster.

 You have this weird little habit of sorting some of your food into the cup holders on your highchair tray. Sometimes it's your veggies, sometimes, your fruit. But at every meal, 

you find something to set aside...

We usualy go for two walks a day, but my favorite one is our evening walks that we take right after you finish dinner. We clean you up, then plop you in your wagon You have typically found some toy or object to bring along for the ride. We get Molly on the leash and stroll around the neighborhood. You just always look so content on this particular walk, with your little gansta lean on one side of the wagon. It's ADORABLE. 

Clapping with Auntie Jenn!

Anyway my love, you are cute and cute and can be, and just seem to have the sweetest little soul. And I feel so absolutely blessed to have this time to get to know you. 

Can't wait to see what the next month brings

 Love, 
Momma

18 Months

Dearest Leah,

Okay, so I blew it for your 17month post. That won't be my last mistake. I guarantee it. But I can tell you that I will always come through when it really counts. Like for your 18 month post! Suddenly it's starting to really occur to me that you are becoming less and less my baby every day. I can't remember the last time we were anywhere and caught eyes with another mom who was pointing out "the baby" to her child. And you're just becoming so dang independent! And aware of your surrounding and just how much control is potentially at your tiny fingertips. It's breathtaking. I never want to forget what I've witnessed in your presence for the last 18 months. So here is a list of highlights. Of things I just want to hold on to forever.

• Finding your toys, shoes, and random household items in the hampers. (You love fill and spill - AND putting your dirty clothes away)

• The way you toss and turn around 10pm every night, and make a loud gravelly hmmmuwahwahwah sound as you suck your thumb to lull yourself back to sleep.

• That right now. I have everything I've ever dreamed of. Meaning you and your DA!.

• How when you're drinking your sippy of milk before a nap, you tip your head back and look me in the eyes. Usually its to smile or giggle, but sometimes it seems like you just want me to know that you know, I'm there.

• The way you mumble and babble while you eat.

• How you despise having your diaper changed so I make up silly songs to distract you until we're done.

• Every time my phone rings, you automatically ask DA!???

• Waiting and watching for the garbage trucks on Friday mornings.

• How well you hear airplanes and love looking at them from the porch. (We're about 10 miles from SFO)

• Your deep belly laugh while animals move past you. Dogs, cats, whatever.

• The way you bounce on the seat cushions of the couch, beaming with pride.

• How Billy Joel and Jack Johnson make you dance... You twirl. I have no idea where you got that from. It's HILARIOUS.

• The way you grab Molly's snout and try to give her a kiss with your mouth wide open. You do the same on her back and her tail. 
• Oh yeah, we got a dog! More to come on that...

• Your stinky butt. How that much smell comes out of such a tiny butt is beyond me.

• How you always find the corners of your blankets to hold on to while you suck your thumb.

• Waking up to your babbling.

• The waft of your smell that comes through when I open your door to get you up for the day. God I love that.

• When we get you out of the tub, you immediately put your head on our shoulder and stare off into space. Like you're suddenly aware of how safe and loved you are in that moment.

• Singing Jimmy Buffet (your dad's choice) and The Duprees (mine) when I'm getting you ready for bed. 

 

( You love you some new bath mat!)

• The way you kick your legs in your carseat with sheer glee when you realize where we are - the park, DA's office, etc.

• Emptying a lint trap full of pink glittery lint.

•  Taking walks after dinner. DA! pulling you in your red wagon, me walking Molly.

I could go on like this for hours, but these are just the top things I love. So for the rest I'll say, I'm just looking forward to your next birthday, hearing you talk more (it'll be nice when you can tell me what you need or want or are upset about!) And well everything else. Seriously, everything...

Oh, and what you're up to now! We had your 18 month check up yesterday, you are 25 lbs, and 33 1/2 inches. You have several words: Mama, DA!, Ba (sippy cup), Nigh Nigh, Yeah, Whoa, Nom Nom (which means you're hungry or thirsty), Ca (cat), lolla (which is Molly our dog), and Bayee (baby). And you are just SO busy. Always moving something from over there, to over here. Filling up containers with items, dumping them out... You're just so freaking amazing, and we love you to pieces!

Can't wait to see what the next month brings! 

Love, 
Momma
 

Something Diva This Way Comes

My sweet baby girl is brewing a little 'tude.

Time to go inside? Cue meltdown. 

Time for lunch? See: A screaming puddle on the floor. 

Time change a stinky butt? Quick! Go limp so momma has a harder time picking me up! (great for my back, btw)

Where the fuck did she get all this from? My little monkey, who used to be up for almost anything, now screams and cries with the most genuine look of betrayal in her eyes, whenever I must go about about our regularly scheduled programming. 

I have a parenting book. Guess I need to fast forward to the section about tantrums. For I will not have that shit. I will not have it...

Tips and pointers appreciated.

16 Months

Dearest Leah,

You continue to be the brightest part of my day, but I'll admit, you're starting to become a bit challenging. While I encourage your curiosities and propensity to question authority, I kind of umm, I don't like it. Partly because I worry too much about your safety, and partly because I am really tired already of say No! and PLEASEDON'TTOUCHTHAT (it reads exactly like it sounds coming out of my mouth). But mostly, it's the idea that I probably have another three plus years of those two phrases... Ahh well. You're too stinking cute to be annoyed for long at all.

You really do not like loud noises. Daddy sneezing, blenders, but most notably public toilets and hand dryers. You start to cry if the shopping cart so much as points towards the general vicinity of the restrooms at costco.  

You really, really hate it.

Another of your immense dislikes are the swings at the park. This, I did not see coming. But you literally shake and cry if we try to put you in them or even attempt to swing with you on our lap. But we'll keep trying every few weeks or so.

We've been working on your eating skills, specifically eating with a spoon. Since you've been feeding yourself since 7 months, you are great with your hands, but you seem puzzled by the spoon. 

I help you scoop some food up, and you can get the spoon in your mouth just fine. But you still aren't sure how the food gets on the spoon. And you'll keep putting the spoon back in your mouth even if there is no more food on it. And like everything else you do, it's pretty adorable. 

You chatter like a little spider monkey, and most recently have picked up saying Dada, and Yeah. The important thing is that you really know what Dada means, but you usually just say DA! And now you've started to cal me DA! And while I know you know Mama, I don't really mind because we're both your parents. And either way, there is an inflection of affection behind the way you say it. 

And I love that. 

 Leah and DA!

Leah and other DA!

You love walking up and down our street, and most importantly up the three stairs on our porch. We usually spend a good ten minutes a day on the stairs alone.

I want you to know, that every morning I wake up excited to see you. To think about what the day will have in store... The moment I open the door to your room, your smell wafts right into my face, and I can't help but smile. You're going to think we're nuts, but sometimes your dad and I will bring one of the two blankets you use and take turns smelling it before bed. And most of the time we sleep with it. I know, it sounds crazy. 

But we just can't get enough of you. 

Can't wait to see what the next month brings.

Love, Momma

Contributing To NIAW

I know my voice here isn't as loud as it used to be. But the good news is I've been able to make it heard on Face.book. There were several years during NIAW, that I felt shame for not feeling like I could speak out about our infertility. To tell our friends and family about what was going on, and be an advocate for myself and the others who were struggling. I don't remember when or what my first post about IF was on FB, but I do recall tiptoeing in and that it really wasn't very long ago. Although now I'm pretty much a certified loudmouth an online Billboard for advocacy.  

While I haven't kept up on the daily posts on FB about NIAW, I have commented and liked all of 'my sister's' posts. But today, something made me stop what I was doing, and get this up:

This was the post by Jennepper, that I shared. (She's the f'ing bomb.) I got a few comments, and likes, which I'll admit, I stalked to see who and how many likes I'd get. But then I got this message from a friend:

"Hey there! Just wanted to say how much I appreciate these posts about IF. I've always had a really hard time talking about it (still do), but the things you've posted and blogs that you've introduced me to really help to normalize things and help me feel supported. As I'm sitting here in B's (our acupuncturist) waiting room - who I truly believe played a huge part in us having J (their daughter) - I wanted to say thank you! For putting me in touch with her, for knowing what we're going thru, and for being so courageous to share. Hope you guys are well! Would love a play date soon!"

(I believe she and her husband did two fresh IVF cycles before I referred her to my Acu lady, then she got pregnant on their next transfer. Not sure if it was fresh or frozen.)

It's funny, but I'd forgotten about the overwhelming guilt and shame I harbored, until I got her message. And thinking about it all just made me reflect on how bad things were for a while, how good they are now, and how grateful I am to have made it out with merely a few flesh wounds. Not that you're ever really out, but I have to believe the worst is over. I just have to.

Anyway, I wanted to share that note because it was validating in so many ways. And I'm grateful to my friend for writing it. Even if I am the only one she can ever say that to. And so for right now, I am her voice. Just like many were for me, when I couldn't speak for myself.