Again

This is what a positive LH (ovulation) Test Looks like.

I have seen many of them. I hope I don't have to next month.

Pins and Needles

Last week I began acupuncture. In the months since we started trying to have a baby, I have come across numerous articles regarding acupuncture and it's well documented practices of increasing fertility. I thought about it for a while before I actually made a phone call. I found my doctor, yes he is a REAL doctor through the AAMA (American Academy of Medical Acupuncture). I basically only went in for a consultation. We went over my medical history, then he took my pulse, looked at my tongue and felt my hands and feet. And whatta ya know, my Qi* was off balanced. (Please see notes below.) He told me he thought that acupuncture would be helpful to me and that we could get started right away. Plus my insurance covered it. (thanks T)

I rolled up my pant legs and sleeves and laid down on the table. He told each time he was going to put a needle in me, and where. In this particular session, I got a total of fourteen. Three in my scalp, two in my right ear, one in each wrist, three in my abdomen, and two in each foot. He placed and panic button in my left hand, turned a heating lamp over my feet and told me to rest. SURE, RELAX. I wasn't in any pain, it didn't hurt. But I'll be honest I couldn't really relax. It was so new. The office, the sensations from the needle points... He also gave me some herbs and asked me to take them once per day. No stinky tea or anything, just a small wax ball that I have to crack open, full of little pellets. I take them with water.

This may seem like an aggressive approach to you. It also might seem silly to you. But if several articles and websites told me that waxing off my eyebrows whilst inserting bamboo shoots under my toe nails would increase the chances of me getting knocked up, I'd do it.



***Qi, pronounced "chee", means energy. Qi is the energy of the body, of the meridians, of food, of the universe. There are refined theories regarding the different types of Qi within the body, the creation and actions of Qi and, consequently, ways to determine where imbalances may arise.

- American Academy of Medical Acupuncture

A Lesson

I feel foolish. I look back and can hardly believe I had such a cavalier outlook on starting a family. I was excited and thought, this is it, I'm ready, here we go...thinking I would be pregnant within a few months.

Seven months later I am not pregnant and part of me wonders why I am so upset about not being pregnant yet. I cry and then blame it on PMS. I used to wonder why it was so consuming for some women. How is that all that they can think about?

But then one particularly low afternoon I had to dig deep as to why I was so deeply affected. I had to rationalize it. Pick it apart. I began by telling myself that I have only been trying for 7 months, and that many women have been trying for years... How dare I get upset after only a few months with no success. Then I started to think back to the day that I realized I was ready. I know exactly where I was and what I was doing. I also remember being surprised at what a primal feeling it was for me. The answer to the question of when you are going to have children comes to you the same way the other answers to profound decisions you make in your life comes. You just know. There are no more questions, there is no doubt. It was like a switch flipped. It was my gut that spoke to me, an instinct, something so deep I was a little shocked by my own undeniable certainty.

That is why I cried today.Because that side of me has taken over, and wants to complete a single task. Now that I have picked it apart and made a little sense of it, I still feel like crying. I still ache. My lesson for today: Answers are not always solutions.

Nope.

Another month, another disappointment. We were pretty bummed yesterday. I actually wrote an entry but decided not to post it. It was pretty cynical. I feel better today. Hopeful. Maybe next month...

Trying

By the time you read this we will have already told you that we are going to parents. But right now, as I am typing this, I don't yet know. I don't know if I am pregnant today or not. And I don't know if and when I will be. Brian and I started trying in August of 2007. My doctor and all of the books and websites I have read say that it can take a healthy couple up to a year to conceive.

When we first decided we were ready I bought a few books, saw my doctor and "got to work". The first month I found out I wasn't pregnant completely broke my heart. Before that day I had convinced myself that I probably wouldn't get pregnant right away, and that I wouldn't be one of those irrational women who took ovulation tests or cried when they saw a newborn at the Outback Steakhouse. I thought I had convinced myself. After three months of negative tests I became one of those women. By the way, we aren't "irrational", we're "enthusiastic".

We made the decision not tell anyone that we were trying for a few different reasons. Looking back it made things a little tough at first. In the begining it was fun, like our little secret. But as the first few months went by with no good news I realized how isolated I felt. Even having Brian to talk to wasn't enough. I know he tried hard to empathize, and did his best to comfort me but I think its different for women. When you start this journey, you come to a whole new level of awareness about what your body is doing. You begin analyzing every little twinge. (Here comes the irrational part) I think I even conjured a few pregnancy symptoms, only to be let down a few days later.

I'm sure there are more of you than just my mother-in-law who is disappointed that we didn't tell you we were trying. (Hi Sharon) Just know that it didn't have anything to do with you or our trust in you. It was just a decision that we made, together. But until our baby is on the way, I think this will be a great outlet for me. So I'm crossing my fingers and Brian is rubbing my abdomen for good luck. Daily. Okay, two to three times daily...

Brand New

For some of you this maybe the first time reading a blog. What is a blog? It's basically a personal diary made public. So you can know exactly what I'm thinking. I know how much you value my rarely shared opinion.... Now you can enjoy it weekly from the comfort of your own home.

I'm a little freaked out but I think it will be good all together. Thanks for joining us, it should be fun.