Eight Months

Dearest Leah,

You are now eight whole months and I can hardly believe it! This past month has been really great, and it feels like you are really starting to turn into a little person.

We’ll start with my favorite thing – food! You are no long suspicious of sweet potatoes, but instead happily grab at the pieces in front of you. Sweet Potatoes are your favorite, but you also love Avocado. The other foods you eat regularly are carrots, pears, and a small amount of banana. You recently tried zucchini and loved it but you got a little rash on your face and neck, so we may have to hold off on that and revisit later. I’m not entirely sure that is was from the zucchini, but it went away after the first day that I stopped feeding it to you so… I've been lagging a little bit on introducing new things but I have put a list together and next few things to try are: Rice Pasta, Oatmeal, tofu, (smashed) blueberries and green beans!

Your newest mode of transportation is rolling. You roll EVERYWHERE, and it’s quite adorable. And startling when I leave the room for a millisecond and don’t immediately see your little body wiggling upon my return. But you are more often than not under the ottoman, pounding your little fists on the padded siding.

As promised we got you into a swim class, and while I can’t say that you love it, you seem to tolerate it. You splash about, and do well with submersions, and haven’t shed a tiny tear once! Every exercise is focused around a song, and I think you really enjoy all of the singing. The other fun reward is that it leaves you EXHAUSTED. I have just enough time to get you home changed and fed before you fall completely apart, then you sleep for two and a half hours straight. Which means Momma gets to catch up on horrible television shows chores, and preparing dinner! 

You continue to grow and thrive and your Dad and I could not possibly be more grateful to witness it. Your smiling face makes my heart sing and fall more and more in love with you each day.

Can't wait to see what the next month brings!

Love,

Momma

Look Away, I'm Hideous

I know my last post on the status of my feelings about my MIL was all jokey, jokey (hence the title, which by the way was directed at Leah. Like marking my territory), but I have really been struggling with my feelings. There is very little I would compare to the tragedy and heartache of infertility, but I see a likeness in my emotions in this particular situation. Resentment. I think I’m a little bitter about the time that I am away from Leah (which I know is miniscule compared to others).  Feeling bad about feeling bad. Frustration that even though I know my feelings are not fair per se, I can’t seem to help myself. The other part is feeling over protective, and helpless when Leah is not in my presence.  I wanted to say when Leah is not under my control, but it sounded a little too Mommy Dearest, and I am quite certain that she already has enough ammo to use this blog against me.

I pay very close attention to my unreasonableness in regards to my MIL. It weighs on me heavily. It makes me feel like a bad person. Especially because I know how much joy she gets from the time she is with Leah. And I love that. I want her to love the time she spends with her; I wouldn’t have it any other way. But when she says things like “ I know this time is special because you are a new mom, but it’s nothing compared to being a grandmother.” Sounds relatively harmless I'm sure, but try taking it from the perspective of a new mom who struggled for years to become one, and whom is currently waging an internal battle of the ‘does not play well with others’ variety. And by “others”, I only mean my MIL. Keep in mind, after years of trying not to fall apart in public during many a pregnancy announcement; I’ve evolved into a pretty decent actress. So I’m sure my MIL has no idea about the way I’m feeling. And I don’t feel like telling her would help. I did at one point try. I explained that even though it was exciting for her, it was really, REALLY hard for me to be away from Leah. But I think her eyes had already glazed over with Grandma time.

So I’m going to continue to try to sort things out here. I’ll finish this post by illegitimately bitching about the fact that my MIL has had some sort of errand to run every single day since she got the carseat base. I viewed it more as an  "in case" basis. And I know it shouldn’t be a big deal that she is proudly and happily bouncing around town with Leah in the back of her Durango. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I KNOW. But all I can think is how I would never forgive her if something (God forbid) happened. And also, she is MINE. Two more examples of why I’m an asshole. Good times. 

Headline: Lazy Whore Needs Meal Planning Tips

I love cooking. But while I was pregnant I was completely appalled by most foods with the exception of plain (I'm talking straight out of the colander - still draining in the sink) pasta and half gallon tubs of organic lemon yogurt. I lost my passion for food. By the time I got my appetite back I was too pregnant to cook anything exotic or time consuming. Then I had a newborn and used my spare time to shower and not smell/dress like a hobo. 

So now that things are becoming a little more routine with Leah, I want to start a menu plan. Cooking a few things on Sunday that can be rewarmed or thrown together on a different night during the week. Particularly for the days that I have to work. I've looked at a few 30 minute meal plans, but I'm just feeling uninspired. 

The other problem aside from being a lazy whore, is that I'm fat. And need to get my shit back into shape. I bought running shoes on an insomnia driven whim like 10 days ago (#ImmaAmazonJunkie) and have yet to so much as try them on. I bought new sports bras too. No more excuses! Actually I can think of several. 

I know that I need to lose weight. I have done it before and know the in's and outs of it well. I know that a better menu and more exercise will make all the difference, give me more energy to plan menu's and not groan every time I have to get up from picking up Leah off the floor, blah blah blah. If only it didn't require so much effort.

Any chance you'd be willing to share your tips with someone who is too lazy to construct of plan of her own? Recipes are welcome!

You're da Best! 

Maybe I Should Just Pee On Her And Get It Over With...

If you have been reading this blog for any concentrated amount of time, you will know that I am terrible about following up with "catastrophe's" that I post about. So here I am to relieve you from your debilitating state of suspense or otherwise baited breath.

My Mama-Bear issues are still omnipresent. (Unbelievable! Said No One.) I did however, go see my therapist about it. The good news? All of my feelings are "Completely Normal!". She praised me for being able to acknowledge the fact that my feelings, though reasonable, "were not exactly rational or fair". But I FEEL as though the blister on my left nipple would know the difference. Still we talked a lot about what my goals are for achieving harmony, and the fact that my feelings probably won't be going anywhere fast. This is not something that can necessarily be solved, but more like feelings that will fade when I'm dead in time. What's important is taking time to think about how I will approach her regarding any given matter and keeping in mind my mama bear mentality before I react.  Like when she asked me for the extra base for the carseat so she could "Go show her friends". Fortunately this conversation took place over the phone so she could not see the raging hellfire blazing from my corneas. I realize it's not as though she asked to take Leah away for the weekend to go to Disneyland for the first time, and I cordially obliged after privately fuming about it. But I will admit I was a little edgy all day just thinking about it. And last week when my neighbor told me the entire block can hear Leah screaming on the days I am at work, I did not immediately tender my resignation or change our locks. Mostly because I was pretty much already aware that this was happening because my normally very chatty MIL is always sitting on the front porch with a red eyed, pink cheeked from wailing, but ultimately exasperated and just sniffling Leah, ready to hand her over and get the hell out of there the moment my car pulls in the driveway... I know there is absolutely nothing malicious or unsafe going on, I just think my MIL is not great about identifying sleep signals and then Leah gets over tired and turns into a raving lunatic. Understandably so.

I'm also pretty darn proud of myself for keeping my cool when my MIL asked if they could get Leah's first Halloween Costume. Supposedly my FIL's idea. P'sha Right. I calmly smiled and said "I'm sorry, no. That's really sweet, and I think it's adorable that "he's" so excited, but the first Halloween Costume is a biggie". And then I refrained from explaining that she should pretty much forget about asking for any "firsts". Not in a Mamabear way - but in a "that's our long awaited not to mention FIRST and possibly only child, and that pretty much guarantees us any and every firsts. Foreverandeveramen."

Which prompts me to think about the holidays. You may remember my rant about my MIL giving Leah her first Easter Basket. Well, my main concern now is the Christmas stocking my MIL has already made for her. (Another first that she unintentionally hijacked.) Brian and I are on the same page as far as Leah not getting two Stockings. The first reason being BECAUSE SHE IS OUR DAUGHTER. WE are Santa, not grammie and poppop. Number two, and what I'm going to tell people is the first reason most importantly, we don't want Leah to have a lot of stuff. I kept wondering how we could possibly bring that up without making it sound like we were inferring that she would only buy crap. Fortunately she kind of beat me to the punch and inadvertently gave me a great reason. She mentioned something along the lines of wanting to give Leah a gift towards her college fund. BINGO. Another completely valid reason is that they really can't afford it. Well, they shouldn't afford it. Leah will be well taken care of in the present department. Being that she is the only grandchild, niece and baby period on both sides of the family. (We're the oldest.)

So there you have it. While I lack the ability to be a fundamentally good person, I at least have the knowledge and good sense to keep my mouth shut about it to the people it effects. And only over-share my feelings with complete strangers. You're welcome!

Shaking My Fists At The Universe...

Please head over to Egghunt's blog. She just got a tremendous bitchslap from infertility.

They were headed out here to the US in two weeks for their donor cycle and just found out their donor got pregnant, WHILE on birth control, with her FOURTH child.

Son of a bitch....

I'm Pretty Sure I'm Going To Die

Falling down the stairs
Getting T-Boned in an intersection
An undetected aneurism
A random shooting
Being in the wrong place at the wrong time

Never in my life have I thought so much about death, than since I the day I came home with Leah. And never in my life have I been so absolutely terrified of it. 

I know this must sound insane, but I think about it more often than I care to admit. It's not like I lay in bed fretting over it, but it involuntarily pops into my head mid action of me taking the laundry down to the garage : "what if I tripped and fell down the stairs and broke my neck right now"... audible gasp and chills immediately follow. 

I can't even think about the possibility of leaving Brian and Leah. She would grow up watching Moonshiners and Pawn Stars and thinking it's normal.

Feeding Fiasco's

So far Leah is a little less than keen on solid foods. I've tried several times to offer her carrots or bananas or sweet potato, and she is not amused. She picks it up and squishes it in her hands and then drops it. Either on the floor, or in her lap, or in a crevice that I cannot possibly get to without disassembling her highchair. I also bought those Fresh Food Feeders, and the only time she was interested was on a really hot day while she was teething. But I totally love the concept of them, and just want her to comply dammit!


I forgot to follow up here on it, but she is doing really well with the sippy cup while my MIL is with her. Some days she still isn't eating as much as she should, but she does so well with feeding herself and it's still more milk than she was drinking while refusing the bottles, so I call it a win. 


Nursing however is getting a little more difficult. She is SO alert now that she gets distracted very easily and turns her head away from me with my nipple still in her mouth. Which sucks even MORE when I have a blister on said nipple. I literally have to bite my lip in order to not cry out in pain. It's hard to get mad though when she smashes my nipple in between her gums because she's smiling at me. That is almost unbearably cute. She is also doing this new thing where she puts one hand against my boob, while arching her back and pulling her face away from me all while (Let's say it together, class) ALL WHILE MY NIPPLE IS STILL IN HER MOUTH. I'm afraid one of these days I'll open my nursing bra to find that my nipples have absconded to the nearest American Consulate or La Leche League meeting place for salvation. Poor little things are taking a beating...


I keep telling myself to be patient, and that she will come around to eating food more regularly and easily. Maybe it's just because I am such an overachiever with eating that I wanted a child after my own heart. When really I should just keep trying and not worry, and also probably start Weig.ht Watc.hers again very, very soon. 


Any tips out there, Moms?

Seven Months

Dearest Leah,

This past month has brought mammoth change and acceleration to your abilities, and obviously a lot of firsts. You’re sort of eating food and drinking like a champ from a sippy cup, which is remarkably exciting to see but it makes me sad and feeling like you’re two shakes from telling me about the great apartment you found and the tattoo you’ve been hiding for the last few weeks. It’s hard not to feel like time is running away with you already.

Let’s start with your hands. You have suddenly discovered your hands and will spend several minutes flipping them palm up, palm down, palm up, palm down, while staring intently. Your thumb has become an integral role in self-soothing and an aide in your falling asleep. But the cutest part is that you HAVE TO have some piece of fabric in your little hand to hold up close to your face while you suck your thumb. So when I swaddle you I pull a portion of the blanket up to your face before I wrap the rest around your body. Man, I love that.

You, my love, are also a ROCK STAR when it comes to sleep. It’s easy to tell when you are getting tired, you start to whine just a smidge and I immediately scoop you up, wrap you in your swaddle – both arms out now that you are rolling over in your sleep – and then set you in the bed with your sound machine. You cry for half a second then grab your blankey and your thumb and roll right over. I feel like a jerk telling people about this, because I know plenty of moms who are pleading with the universe to get their babies to just sleep for a six hour stretch. And you sleep about an average of 12 hours STRAIGHT each night. I think it helps also that I got you some darker curtains, and a blackout shade for the side that faces East. And also, they’re purple; which serves as the first gender specific item I have bought for your room.  (Everything was neutral since we didn’t know if you were a boy or a girl before you were born)

Swimming. You went swimming for the first time this month and you did so great. You seemed a little suspicious of the water at first, but then again you seem suspicious of a lot of things. New people, your reflection, sweet potatoes... As we waded along together in the pool, you just seem mostly content. And I couldn't help but smile ear to ear about it. Your dad and I decided to splurge a bit and enroll in weekly Parent & Me swim classes. They start next month and I am SO excited!

Food stuff is not going as well as I'd hoped and warrants a post of it's own in the coming future. But I know you'll get better about it. Eventually. 

I think you're starting to figure out that crying gets you stuff. And whining will at the very least get my attention. That feels like a one way street to attachment parenting, whether I like it or not. Good thing I do. When you're tired or teething or not just feeling well you turn into my very own little barnacle and go with me EVERYWHERE in the house. And you hate it when I sit down. I have to be walking around  holding you. It's like you already know how lazy I am, and your dad has bribed you into keeping me busy all the time. I wish my back wasn't so lame, because I would do it much more willingly. But the stabby pains unfortunately overrule even you. 

So my love, things are pretty much fantastic with you. And I am loving every single second of parenthood. Every day with you is more amazing than I ever could have imagined. Thank you for that. 

Can't wait to see what the next month brings.

Love,

Momma

TRIUMPH!

I know it's early, but I think I may have found a solution to Leah's bottle defiance.


Allow me to introduce: 

The Sippy Cup.

Let me start with a little background. As you may know, I have not yet started Leah on solids. Dr. Pediatrician (Leah's Pediatrician, further known as Dr. P) recommends that she be able to sit up a little better on her own before we start anything. I have mentioned before that Leah is long and lean, which makes balancing pretty tricky for her. I am also in the midst of researching the Baby Led Weaning method for feeding. It's a british concept, and their definition of weaning is different than the american definition. The British term means " to add complimentary food". "Baby Led Weaning, quite simply, means letting your child feed themselves from the very start..." 


My understanding of the concept is to skip puree's and spoon feeding and start your baby on pieces of very soft foods that they can feed to themselves i.e. slice of cooked sweet potato, slice of avocado. I believe it stems from the fact that they used to feed babies rice cereal and purees at a much earlier age. Before babies have the natural inclination to put things - anything into their mouth. So spoon feeding was absolutely necessary. I will say that Leah has been putting EVERYTHING in her mouth for about the last month and a half. And an interesting little tidbit; she stopped taking her bottle and pacifiers about a week after she discovered her thumb.

Exhibit A

A couple of the pro's to the BLW method is that it helps baby develop their motor skills, they eat with the family because they can feed themselves; no else has to feed them. Which helps to avoid the food wars that can evolve from Mom and Dad being in control. Baby eats however much or little he or she wants. Breast milk and/or formula will still be their main source of nutrition. Check it out, it seems pretty neat. I had heard of it before, but reading Josey's experience peaked my interest. 


To tie that all together I started to wonder with the BLW concept, if Leah might just do better feeding herself milk. We tried different bottles, and different nipples, and different positions, and different milk temperatures, but none of that worked.We use the glass bottles, so I knew that was kind of out of the question. I started researching sippy cups for beginners. I really prefer the concept of glass or stainless steel, but the only stainless steel sippy's they had for beginners, did not get great reviews.


So I sat down on the floor with my legs open, and put her in between sitting the same way, but allowing her to lean on me for support. I put the sippy in front of her and let her decide what to do. She immediately picked it up and put the mouth piece in her mouth. Now, it was still completely level so she wasn't getting any milk. She just sat there and gnawed on it a little bit. I gave her a few minutes then I slowly guided the cup up in the air to help her get a little milk. It caught her a bit off guard the first time and she coughed a little, but she got it right away after that. The flow is super slow and requires suction or pressure on the mouthpiece to get any out, so I feel very comfortable giving to her to handle. 

I would basically let her explore it and do it her self with just the tiniest direction. 

And within ten minutes of the second day with the cup she was like JLO rockin the mic one handed. 

And after that she was all: What are you still doing here? I got this, fool! 
(Please excuse my pastey, pastey white legs)

So the test will be tomorrow, when she is home with my MIL. Hopefully she can maintain and hone this new skill. And finally get back to eating while I'm at work. Oh, and I think I'm going to start her on Sweet Potatoes this weekend. Woo hoo!

But Can It Be Done?

Brian and I have always talked about the possibility of me being a stay at home mom. We were never quite sure we could afford it, and Health Insurance in particular was always a concern. Before Brian became a small business owner in the summer of 2009, he typically worked for smaller establishments, where as I worked for more substantial companies who offered Health Benefits for the two of us. So last year when we took a leap of faith and plunged head first into significant debt for our IVF cycle, we acknowledged that would make me staying at home even less of a possibility. I understood it then, but I think I was partially in denial about how difficult it would actually be for me emotionally. And once I had our baby girl in my arms it became crystal-fucking-clear how much staying at home with her meant. 

Back in March when we knew my return to work was imminent and I was having daily meltdowns and constant nightmares about leaving Leah, we began to discuss how we could make it happen.  But it started to feel almost impossible when I realized how much debt we had. I knew I had to start with our budget. Okay, time to cut back on organic products. That, and shopping around will help with our grocery bill. I also started to shop at Costco for perishables with a girlfriend. I never used to buy their produce because I couldn’t get through it before it went bad. But now we split the food and the cost! Cable. Okay, this is where I demonstrate my complete lack of will power. I love TV. TV is my third favorite thing behind Brian and Leah. So I mentioned cutting this out of our budget before, but have yet to act on it. I’ll admit it, I was waiting for May sweeps and all of my current shows to end before axing my lifeline to tasteless entertainment. But I’m going to do it! I swear! 

Our debt is where I’ve made some real progress. I belong to a Credit Union. My credit union sent out an advertisement for consolidating credit card debt into one personal loan. I only had one credit card with a balance but I was intrigued by their 8.99% interest claim. So I went in to meet with a representative… This is where I’m going to give you the short version of the story, because while I was typing the long version I fell asleep and woke up a week later with ASDFG permanently imprinted on my cheek. 

Ready? 

Did you know you can leverage the equity in your car to refinance your current car loan? Neither did I, and it bears an off-puttingly similar stink to the ridonkulous ARM’s and psuedo secured Sub-Prime Mortgages that the banks created which got this country in the economic state that it’s in right now to begin with. 

So I totally Applied! 

And I got approved! 

I was paying 13.24% on the balance on my credit card. And 5% on my car loan. They used the equity on my car to pay off my credit card and transferred the balance on to my car loan. Since this would be a car loan and not personal loan, I qualified for a much lower rate based on my credit score and history with the bank. And they were offering an additional 1% discount if you set up an automatic payment from your checking or savings. So now instead of paying 18.24% for the both of them every month. 

I. 


Am. 


Paying. 

Drumroll please. 

2.67% 

TOTAL.

Which saves me close to $300 per month on interest alone. THREE HUNDRED Extra dollars per month that I can now put toward my cable addiction paying off our new loan!!! P.S. I have 60 months to pay it off, which will happen if I continue to only do the minimum payments...

There was a very long period of time where the only debt Brian and I had was our mortgage. And it's amazing how differently you view your credit card when there is no balance on it. When we had a large balance I felt like it would never get paid off. It was so much easier to rationalize purchases; "Ehh, I'll just throw it on the credit card"... NOT ANYMORE! Now I just feel hyper focused on throwing as much money as I can at this beast! And it's such a relief to finally be doing something about it.


Though I knew I had good credit, there was a part of me that was worried we wouldn't qualify since my income for the year so far was impacted by my maternity leave. Which makes me want to hate the banks even more because the bottom line is, this loan adjustment was the right thing to do. Ultimately it will help our monthly payments be much more affordable since the minimum due is lower, which means I can pay more than the minimum and it will go towards the principle and get us out of debt faster, which means we can eventually spend more money on cable. I mean, Leah's education. 


For the record I don't have a crazy cable package even now, no movie channels or anything. But it could be a lot smaller. And less expensive. 


So we're on our way. Ideally I'd love to say that by this time next year I will be a full time Mom, but I just don't know if we will be able to swing it. Currently a decent Health Insurance package for the three of us would be close to $1,000 per month. Which seems insane. But I have to try. Because I really, really, really want to be home with her. And I'm just so ridiculously thankful that Brian is not only supportive of this, but willing to work his ass off EVEN MORE than he is now, to make it happen. (I love you, dear!) We can always make money, but she will only be this little once...


Also, her projected height is 6'1, so Brian and I are Banking On a scholarship for Volleyball at Stanford - holla!

Bottle Embargo

Leah is currently waging a battle against her bottles. My little protester! That's right Leah, damn the ma- , Oh wait this is a bad thing. Since last week, Leah has been refusing to take a bottle. Which means on the two days she is with my MIL, she doesn't eat the entire 9 hours that I am gone. Well, my MIL tries to get her to drink, but it's probably only an ounce or so that she'll get down. Brian has even come home during the day to help try, but to no avail. 


I spoke with our Pediatrician as well as consulting Dr. Google and they both said there is not a whole lot I can do, and then they both made the same points:


1. Babies will not starve themselves. She is not smart enough to be so stubborn as to put herself in serious danger. Is it good for her not to eat? Of course not, but she will be okay. 
2. Eventually she will forget why she is not taking the bottle, and eat like normal again.
3. She will soon be on solids, so if she is not drinking by then she will at least have that. 


She nurses perfectly with me, so on the days that I am at work, I only pump once instead of two to three times, that way I am extra full for her when I get home. Uncomfortable, but ready to oblige her growling little tummy. I usually pump every night about 3-4 hours after she's gone to bed, but I will skip it on the nights before I work that way her morning feeding with me is extra plentiful as well. At first I wondered if I should just go home on my lunch breaks to feed her, but our pediatrician just said that would only reinforce her not having to take a bottle...


I've read that changing the bottle/nipple can be helpful at times. But it only works about 40-50% of the time . I have been using Dr. Brown glass bottles, which worked PERFECTLY until recently. I went shopping yesterday, and found the nipple on the Tommie Tippie bottles to be the most different looking compared to the Dr. Brown. I'm disappointed that they only come in plastic with no glass alternative. But I'm sort of desperate at this point. So I'll give this a shot. She's home with my MIL right now, so I should know in a few hours whether it worked or not. 


My poor MIL has tried a lot of different things to help. She tried feeding her in different positions - Leah sitting up, laying down, on her side. She's tried feeding her on my nursing pillows. Still with no luck. So today she is going to take one of my night gowns with her when she feeds her to see if that will help. 


Any other suggestions, homies?

Six Months (!)

Dearest Leah,

It is completely, 100%, inSANE that you are six months old already. 

And how is it possible that I love you 400 times more than I did the day before? 

And that happens every day.

Towards the end of last month you came down with your very first cold. Thanks to our God Son, whom we babysat. You started with a tiny cough, then two days later your nose was so stuffy you had to pull away from nursing in order to take a breath. Though you never developed a fever (thankfully), you did develop your first Ear Infection... Poor monkey. I was so ridiculously worried about you, I couldn't sleep. The irony is from that point on you started sleeping through the night. I wish I could take credit for this awesome new breakthrough, but it is all you! And I am SO grateful. 

I am swapping out clothes for you at an alarming rate. You slip right into your 6-9 month pajamas, though very few of your 3-6 month clothes have fit for a while now. 

We haven't yet moved you on to solid foods, your Doctor wants to see you sitting up by yourself before we get you started there. Or at least a little more sturdy. Which I am totally fine with. I look forward to exclusively nursing you just that much longer. In addition to that I am researching the Baby Led Weaning style of feeding. And I won't lie. I'm kind of excited that you are just this much closer to hopefully overcoming your inability to digest the proteins in Cows milk; cause friends, I miss cheese like the deserts miss the rain...

Your arms are swiftly getting long enough to take a good swipe at the animals on your mobile. It's pretty hilarious to watch you try to pull them closer to you.

Despite my strongest efforts I was not able to get you to smile for your six month pictures. You were much too fascinated and distracted by the appearance of the camera itself... But I don't care. 

I love this picture, and I love you. So, SO much.

Can't wait to see what the next month brings...

Love, Momma

Something Is Stopping Me

In the very back on the third shelf in my refrigerator sits a tiny stockpile of expired meds. Four vials of Menopur, one Ovidril trigger shot, and one Prometrium suppository. I received the Menopur in January of 2010. It came from a mutual friend who got pregnant from a medicated IUI. She gave us the leftovers in hopes that it would do the trick for us. The Ovidril is from my very last Donor IUI in December of 2009, I had ovulated before I could trigger. And the Prometrium is from my IVF cycle, I had one remaining suppository that the nurse gave me the go-ahead to skip which I gratefully took her up on because I was so fricken constipated, I couldn't imagine allowing my body to increase it's progesterone levels a single point higher. Oh yeah, and my partially used follistim pen is in there too. It's been over three years that most of those meds have been taking up a small corner in the back of my fridge, and I just can't throw them away. Something is stopping me.


I know I probably say it a lot, but seriously, every morning when I look at Leah's smiling face, I wonder how the hell we got so fucking lucky. I stare into her eyes, and marvel to myself... She's ours. 


I look at my Stats through blogger, and I check out the traffic I'm getting on a weekly basis. The links I find take me to blogs of women who are just starting out, or finally starting an assisted cycle, IUI - IVF. And I want to reach out to them, like so many of you did for me during the last four and a half years that my blog has existed. But I get halfway through their posts and I can't go any further. Something is stopping me.


I realized just the other day that it has been months since I checked the toilet paper after I pee. Months. It used to be such a steady habit. A ritual. For so long I checked it and examined it; cried about it. But I don't need to check it anymore. 


It takes me a little time to write my posts here, sometimes an hour, sometimes three. I usually come up with a title first, for some reason, and it spurs me to poor my guts on to my keyboard. But not this post. I've started it a dozen times over the last five months. It had no title. Just notes of things I wanted to include and random paragraphs that were weak attempts at trying to explain how I still think about Infertility every single day. But something was stopping me.


A while ago it occurred to me that I had forgotten about my fourth Blogiversary in January. The 31st to be exact. And when I went back to take a look I realized I had posted Leah's birth story that day. Four years later...

More often than not I am able to look back at our horribly difficult journey with gratitude. Gratitude for the lessons it taught me, for the women it lead me to, for the strength and depth it gave my marriage. But there are times when I am reminded of the heartache and udder despair it brought. It was crippling. For a second I can't breathe. For a second I can feel every ounce of misery. And I have to stop. I have to think of something else. Because for so long it held me hostage. And I don't want to let it do that anymore. But something is stopping me... 

Primalizafied

Yes, I’m making up words now. Call it too much spare time (ha!), call it too little education. But I like it. And it’s my laymen's term for keeping things simple and following the Back to Basics mentality when it comes to parenting.  I like to think of how animals raise their babies. Ape's don't drop off their kids with grandma, or use the Ferber method... Yes, I understand there is a distinction. I walk upright, can drive a car, and have never, ever, thrown my poop. 

(i feel the need to point out that I'm not judging anyone, just making a funny)

I have to say Motherhood has surprised me in so many ways. I’m not saying I deserve an award or anything or have really even been challenged yet, but I’m rather delighted by how naturally taking care of Leah has come to me. Not always easy to do, but the inclination has come fairly effortlessly. It is however occasionally sidelined by the knowledge of urban myths, horror stories, and the basic yet all too real irrational fear of accidentally killing my child. I’m also very surprised by how “granola” my outlook and preference is in regards to taking care of and providing for her. I suppose you could file me under Attachment Parenting, but I hate to commit to or lump myself in to any one singular belief. Before having Leah, when I thought about what kind of parent I would be, I imagined mostly outlines of integrating her into our family, rather than changing our way of life to accommodate her. It’s not that I didn’t think having a baby wouldn't change things, and maybe it was just the naiveté of a first time expectant parent, but I really thought I would want to implement a much more rigorous schedule that would make her adapt to our lifestyle . But now that she’s here, call it the “you never know until you’re in those shoes” effect; but in my head, conforming our lives around her needs makes more sense than attempting to teach an infant to live like an adult. Now I will say, I think we’ve been blessed with a very easy baby. But so far working around her demands has gone pretty well. I don’t let her cry much. Most of her fussiness stems from being overtired and I make every attempt to soothe her while she’s upset. I carry her around a lot, that’s not to say she doesn’t get plenty of floor and tummy time while I watch her from the kitchen or fold laundry on the couch. And when in public I’m almost always wearing her. (LOVING the moby wrap, btw) Will this backfire on me someday? Maybe. But right now she’s a pretty happy baby, which makes for a very happy momma and daddy. I look at this method as a lifestyle choice. I didn’t choose to have a baby so I could keep living the same existence, I wanted something different. So it’s not a sacrifice for me; it’s a way of life.

As far as my plans for sleep training goes, I am remarkably grateful to say she started sleeping through the night on her own before I could get halfway through the No Cry Sleep Solution book I bought. I take no credit for this, and instead give it all to her thumb. Because during the week when she discovered it, she instantly learned how to self soothe. So because of her thumb I am sleeping through the night along with her. With the exception of getting up around 1am to change her. I am working to teach her to learn how to fall asleep by herself, but I don’t let her cry in the process. I rock her and shush her to the point where she is almost asleep, and then I set her down in her crib, eyes mostly open, and leave the room. About 65% of the time she will roll over and go to sleep. I know this because we have a video monitor. Other times she flips around and sometimes talks herself to sleep. But I leave her be unless she starts to cry. Then I go in and start the process over. Will this bite me in the ass someday? Maybe.

I sleep with her stuff. Her blankets, her clothes. This probably sounds nuts, let me explain. She has two main swaddling blankets. Yes, I still swaddle, but I leave one arm out. I sleep with whichever one she is not using, that way she can always smell me. And the night before the days that I work, I tuck whatever outfit she is going to wear between my nighttime nursing bra and my nightgown, so she can smell me all day, not just at nap time. Weird maybe, but harmless.

She's on the verge of six months and we all know what that means: Solid foods. While I am generally ecstatic to witness each milestone, this one makes me a bit sad. Because I won't be exclusively breastfeeding anymore. I'm thankful to say breastfeeding has gone very well for me, us. And I have loved every minute of it. It's our special quite time together. And it's a fabulous excuse to leave the room when I'm over the company that's in my house. For some reason she nurses just a bit longer then... I do plan to BF for a while longer. Probably into the range of what they consider Extended Breast Feeding. The AAP recommends supplemental BF'ing up to 24 months. I'm not saying I'll be the one whipping out my girls at the park for a snacky-snack. I honestly see it as more of a morning and bedtime routine when she's that old. But who knows, she may not want it that long, or my body may not cooperate to that extent. We'll just have to see. The moral of the story is, this is one more step towards her not breastfeeding anymore, and I'm sad to think of it ending.

I guess my reason for this post is to justify what floats around in my silly little brain and to silently address the people who think it's their right to critique my method of parenting. Who I won't even bother to respond to, who have much older or grown children who say; "Go out, you need a break!" Actually, I don't. I like this job. This is what I signed up for. This is my new life. And I don't want to miss a single second of it. 

Wouldn't It Be Nice...

Since the day I brought Leah home from the hospital I have been counting my lucky stars. Even now I can hardly fathom the fact that she is my daughter. I wake up every morning excited and astonished to greet the baby babbling and kicking off her blanket, ready to start the day. There were so many days I spent paralyzed with fear that we would never know parenthood. And experiencing it makes me want that for all of you so much more. 

Two days ago we got a certified letter from my RE. It’s a letter requesting direction on what we would like to do with our remaining embryo. It's also bill for storage fees. We of course plan to keep it, for now. The further we got in to the process of Infertility, the more we felt like just one baby would suffice. Partially was because of the financial implications. We knew it would take plenty of money to get pregnant to begin with, so we assumed we may not be in the position to A. do IVF more than once, and 2. We sort of liked the idea of being able to provide the extras (including paying for college) for one child as opposed to maybe splitting our resources between two. I think another big reason was that I just felt so fragile then. Like one baby would be all I could ever handle. 

But now that Leah is here, I look into her eyes and when I think about the amount of love and joy I get from seeing her little face- well I just can’t imagine not at least trying to experience all of that again. I loved being pregnant, and I love watching her grow. And I would love, love, LOVE to experience this all over again. I of course realize that this is a very premature conversation, because A. Umm, i just had a baby five months ago. 2. We don't know if we will be in the position to afford another child. and C. Don't even know if our one remaining embryo would make it through the thaw, let alone implant post transfer. But I will tell you this.  I will never go on Birth Control again, and I will never do a fresh IVF cycle again. IVF was fucking hard, really hard. Granted I did not have the smoothest cycle, (Remember the Whore-bag Cyst that delayed my cycle by SEVEN weeks???), Obviously worth it, but still... And as far as the birth control goes, there are two reasons. The first being that because of my clotting disorder MTHFR, I shouldn't be on any progesterone based Contraception pill because it can increase my risk of stroke. (yes, I know there are other options) And second, even though three different RE's told us we had a less than 1% chance of getting pregnant naturally; if we get pregnant and it DOESN'T cost us 20k - I'm okay with that. 

Part of me is surprised by my feelings on this, because I was pretty well set on being happy with one baby. But to tell you the truth I have missed being pregnant from the day after I delivered. And now more than ever, I feel like being a mother is something I was made to do. And I hope that we are lucky enough with all aspects to be able to have another baby someday, but if not I know I won't regret a thing, and that we are still very lucky to have the most amazing baby girl ever. 

Five Months

Dearest Leah,

I don’t know which I love more, your big gummy smiles when you first wake up or your exuberant belly laughs when I nibble at your tiny toes. Both just about send me over the edge. Sometimes you laugh at a song or a silly face, and sometimes it’s just a big sigh from me that does the trick. Either way kiddo, keep up the great work, cause when you laugh and smile at me NOTHING. ELSE. MATTERS.

Recently you’ve started to get so much stronger, especially at holding up your head.  I love sitting you up and watching you look around as though it’s a completely different world in this position. I got you one of those jumperoo thingies and can’t wait to see you go to town in it.  At the moment you could pretty much careless, but I know you’ll come around…

You have really started to figure out where your mouth is, and you certainly don’t hesitate putting just about everything in it. But it’s mostly your hands or your shirt. And your thumb! You discovered your thumb! Super cute, but I suddenly feel like I should start putting away for future orthodontist appointments. It’s amazing to see you start to understand that your hands and toys can be chewed on, even though when you try to get a toy in your mouth you mostly hit yourself in the face, but the point is; you get it! So cool.

Since we moved you to your crib full time a few weeks ago you’ve been sleeping a lot better. It makes me sad not to have you right next to me in your bassinet, but I’m happy that you’re comfy in your crib. You’ve even slept through the night a handful of times, even though I never do. I’ll wake up at 3:30 expecting you to get up “any minute now” and then toss and turn until my alarm goes off, or you eventually wake up a few hours later. There doesn’t seem to be a rhyme or reason to your longer stints. I’ve monitored naps and even tried inducing a milk coma, but it just seems like you do it when you need it. And that works for me.  All in all I can’t complain about your sleep habits these days, and I almost feel bad telling the blogosphere that I had nothing to do with your new ability to sleep at least six hours straight. I put you down between 7-8pm depending on your cues, and then you typically don’t get up until 2:30 or 3:00am. The only problem I have though is the fact that I don’t go to bed until 10:30 or 11, so I don’t get as much sleep as I could. BAD momma!

The time since you’ve been born has gone by obscenely fast, but for some reason this past month in particular has flown by. While I love seeing you make all of this progress in the physical and cognitive aspects, it makes me a little sad that you are moving more and more away from the infant stage. Still its impossible not to look forward to seeing who you'll become.

Can't wait to see what next month brings.

Love, Momma

Unclenching

Holy Crap, where did May go?!


I’m not sure how things work in your house, but in G-Town USA, Momma carries the brunt of the domestic work load. Brian and I have lived this way since we got married. I love my domesticity. I live for my home life and there is truly no place else I’d rather be. This works out well for us, because Brian is the hardest working most driven, and passionate person I have ever met. He works 65+ hours a week outside the home, and I work 119 in it. But that doesn’t mean that Brian works less than me. His job is very demanding, and intense, and he gets an obscene amount of things done in a short period of time. You could say that his job is a sprint, and mine a marathon.

Where am I going with all this, you ask? Well, I’d like to lay out a little life lesson that smacked me upside the sinuses the week before last. I contracted my first cold since having Leah, and holy crow did it knock me on my ass.  (thanks again for sharing that with me dear!) I’ve always had allergies, so when I felt more congested than normal that last Thursday, I didn’t really question it. Until late Friday morning came and suddenly I was only congested on one side – that’s how I can tell, allergies are always both sides. By Friday afternoon my wheels were falling off and I was having trouble keeping up with a baby who can’t even crawl yet. And I was only able to dip my toe in the pity pool for a second when I realized that I had been hugging and kissing and breathing on Leah all day long (before I realized I was sick). And I started to panic. I couldn’t stand the idea of her getting sick, and it possibly being my fault. So Saturday morning when I woke up feeling like snot covered death, I knew I would have ask for help. Since Brian works every Saturday I called my Mother-in-law and asked her to hang out with Leah while I tried not to croak in my bedroom. Not easy for me, but I knew it was the best thing for Leah to not be around me, and for me to get some rest. 


Would you believe I was too sick to care about having to listen to my MIL hold and sing and baby-talk to Leah? Good, cause I wasn’t and it bugged the crap out of me every single second she was there. 
How about some points for keeping my mouth shut, cause I just let them do their thing and didn’t say a single word? Nope, cause she is great with Leah, and I’m an asshole for being annoyed to begin with.

But this isn’t about my Mother-in-law.  It’s about the dynamic between Brian and I. And the lesson I’m learning about letting go and letting Brian do his thing with Leah. It’s a really sketchy line between helping him understand her cues and not making him feel like a useless failure. I tend to prattle on from the other room about what every coo or cry means. And I don’t do this because I’m a know it all. (At least I don't think I am... I mean, I don’t try to be) I do it because I ache to care of her every second of every moment. I trust Brian implicitly, but the fact is I’m with her more. I know her better. And I know that her fussiness is a slippery slope. If you don’t catch it early enough she will crash and burn and take you down with her. That mostly applies to being tired, because she tends to get overtired very quickly and then it’s really hell getting her down for a nap or bed time. So how do I find a healthy balance between helping Brian understand and anticipate her needs, and not letting her suffer because he doesn't realize she's about to fall apart but I don't want to nag him?

Well I got a crash course in learning to let go this past weekend while I was sick. I didn't want to be around Leah more than I had to, and the times that I did I was wearing a surgical mask. (Is that nuts?) So I had to let Brian do the bulk of the work. It was SO hard to not be the one caring for her, especially when she was crying because it wasn’t what she was used to. And I know realistically, she was FINE. He wasn't forcing her to watch Moonshiners or holding her up by her ankles. It’s just horrible to listen to her crying, when I know it’s something I can fix right away. I’m happy to say however that he took the reins like a champ. I was so proud and grateful and impressed. But not one bit surprised. He's great with her, and the coolest part about it is, it's because he wanted to be. And sometimes the desire is more important than the know-how. I want to feel okay with her crying a little while she’s getting used to him caring for her, and putting her to bed. But a big part of me feels like it will be better for her if we wait until she isn’t so little to get her used to this. Ultimately I want him to be involved, and not because I need a break, but because I want her to feel as used to him as she is to me. I want him to know that bond. Where I struggle is being okay with her crying. We are not going to practice the Cry It Out method, so I’m having a hard time with where this transition falls. (not judging anyone on CIO, that’s just how I feel)

So I’m back to my semi-healthy self again, and back to running our daily and nightly routines. But the battle still continues. And I don’t mean that to sound like we fight constantly. I mean it’s a battle to constantly try to foresee her ever changing needs while cementing routines that work for her and us, and adapting to how that changes the dynamics in our marriage. It’s just as hard as I heard it would be, so maybe this is why I am desperately trying to control what few things I still have a handle on? Does that make sense?


Stay Tuned.