This was an Instant Messaging session I had with my boss/best friend/sister regarding someone we know, who's daugher-in-law is expecting their FIFTH child. Yes, number FIVE. That's me Mrsgriff in Pink and Teresa is Reese.
MrsGriff027 (12:18:37 PM): That dumb bitch can get pregnant, but I can't???!!! WTF???
Reese (12:19:29 PM): i know, i was thinking the same thing. Brains unfortunately are not a pre-req for conception
Reese (12:19:56 PM): the only thing worse than your situation is having FIVE kids
Reese(12:19:59 PM): and no job
Reese(12:20:03 PM): good god
MrsGriff027 (12:20:09 PM): I should quit my job, and starting getting drunk all the time
Reese(12:20:21 PM): and start smoking too
Reese(12:20:28 PM): that should do it
MrsGriff027 (12:20:28 PM): GOOD CALL
MrsGriff027 (12:20:42 PM): I should also find some unsavory friends
MrsGriff027 (12:20:48 PM): Maybe it's contacgious
Reese(12:21:06 PM): yes, whatever works
MrsGriff027 (12:21:33 PM): Okay, but instead of quitting can you fire me? I think that might help my odds
Reese(12:21:52 PM): not a chance
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Duh.....
Perspective is a powerful thing once you are prepared to face whatever it is you have been through. I feel much more content after finally accepting the fact that "it will happen when it's supposed to." Of course I have known that all along. The logical side in me kept saying it over and over. But my heart knows it now...
I am all done with the crazy.
I am all done with the crazy.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Nope.
I actually don't feel as bummed as I thought I would. I feel numb. Indifferent. Relieved to know, either way. And a little bit glad I'll be able to drink wine on my birthday...
Monday, March 3, 2008
To Test, or Not to Test.....
It's surprisingly tough to decide. The pregnancy tests that I have, I ordered online. They are a no frills version of the standard test. Similar to what they use at a hospital or clinic. But at a fraction of the price you pay at the store. I bought 40 ovulation tests and 10 pregnancy tests for $25.00. Some stores charge that much for a single pregnancy test. They are also much more sensitive than the standard over the counter test. Your typical over the counter test can allow you to test up to 3 - 5 days before your missed period. The tests I have will allow you to test 6 - 8 days before your period or 7 - 10 Days Passed Ovulation (DPO). I believe it is safer to test by your DPO date. I am 7 days PO. I'm sure most of you are like: "How can you even question it??? I would want to know as soon as possible!"
Well for me, the possibility of knowing early can be a blessing and a curse. Even though I could technically test tomorrow morning, it is still possible to get a false negative. Which doesn't sound like a bad thing, right? The problem is, if I were to test first thing tomorrow morning (most "early" tests recommend that you use first mornings urine) and it came up negative, I would be super bummed but still have that slight hope that it is in fact, a false negative. And if at the end of the week I still get my period, I then get the extreme pleasure of a sock to the gut twice in one week. Not so fun. The other part of it is I could actually be pregnant and receive a positive result on the test, but then have what they call an "early miscarriage" which occurs like your regular period. So you technically wouldn't even know you're pregnant because your period starts on time. But I would know because I tested early...Do you see what I mean???? Do you see what I have been going through for S-E-V-E-N Months?!
I guess I am trying to protect myself . It's SO easy to get excited that this month might be "the month". And it's SO hard when you realize that another month has gone by and you are still not pregnant. Actually, it's excruciating. That is why waiting is not as hard as it was the first few months.
What I want to know is: Why don't they talk about the emotional roller coaster you go through in the any of the books?!!! I read two books about getting pregnant and neither of them went over how shitty it feels to get a negative pregnancy test, or how desperate you feel when you get your period. Again. What's that saying about grief and anger? Never mind. =)
I think I'll wait.
Well for me, the possibility of knowing early can be a blessing and a curse. Even though I could technically test tomorrow morning, it is still possible to get a false negative. Which doesn't sound like a bad thing, right? The problem is, if I were to test first thing tomorrow morning (most "early" tests recommend that you use first mornings urine) and it came up negative, I would be super bummed but still have that slight hope that it is in fact, a false negative. And if at the end of the week I still get my period, I then get the extreme pleasure of a sock to the gut twice in one week. Not so fun. The other part of it is I could actually be pregnant and receive a positive result on the test, but then have what they call an "early miscarriage" which occurs like your regular period. So you technically wouldn't even know you're pregnant because your period starts on time. But I would know because I tested early...Do you see what I mean???? Do you see what I have been going through for S-E-V-E-N Months?!
I guess I am trying to protect myself . It's SO easy to get excited that this month might be "the month". And it's SO hard when you realize that another month has gone by and you are still not pregnant. Actually, it's excruciating. That is why waiting is not as hard as it was the first few months.
What I want to know is: Why don't they talk about the emotional roller coaster you go through in the any of the books?!!! I read two books about getting pregnant and neither of them went over how shitty it feels to get a negative pregnancy test, or how desperate you feel when you get your period. Again. What's that saying about grief and anger? Never mind. =)
I think I'll wait.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Again
This is what a positive LH (ovulation) Test Looks like.
I have seen many of them. I hope I don't have to next month.Saturday, February 16, 2008
Pins and Needles
Last week I began acupuncture. In the months since we started trying to have a baby, I have come across numerous articles regarding acupuncture and it's well documented practices of increasing fertility. I thought about it for a while before I actually made a phone call. I found my doctor, yes he is a REAL doctor through the AAMA (American Academy of Medical Acupuncture). I basically only went in for a consultation. We went over my medical history, then he took my pulse, looked at my tongue and felt my hands and feet. And whatta ya know, my Qi* was off balanced. (Please see notes below.) He told me he thought that acupuncture would be helpful to me and that we could get started right away. Plus my insurance covered it. (thanks T)
I rolled up my pant legs and sleeves and laid down on the table. He told each time he was going to put a needle in me, and where. In this particular session, I got a total of fourteen. Three in my scalp, two in my right ear, one in each wrist, three in my abdomen, and two in each foot. He placed and panic button in my left hand, turned a heating lamp over my feet and told me to rest. SURE, RELAX. I wasn't in any pain, it didn't hurt. But I'll be honest I couldn't really relax. It was so new. The office, the sensations from the needle points... He also gave me some herbs and asked me to take them once per day. No stinky tea or anything, just a small wax ball that I have to crack open, full of little pellets. I take them with water.
This may seem like an aggressive approach to you. It also might seem silly to you. But if several articles and websites told me that waxing off my eyebrows whilst inserting bamboo shoots under my toe nails would increase the chances of me getting knocked up, I'd do it.
***Qi, pronounced "chee", means energy. Qi is the energy of the body, of the meridians, of food, of the universe. There are refined theories regarding the different types of Qi within the body, the creation and actions of Qi and, consequently, ways to determine where imbalances may arise.
- American Academy of Medical Acupuncture
I rolled up my pant legs and sleeves and laid down on the table. He told each time he was going to put a needle in me, and where. In this particular session, I got a total of fourteen. Three in my scalp, two in my right ear, one in each wrist, three in my abdomen, and two in each foot. He placed and panic button in my left hand, turned a heating lamp over my feet and told me to rest. SURE, RELAX. I wasn't in any pain, it didn't hurt. But I'll be honest I couldn't really relax. It was so new. The office, the sensations from the needle points... He also gave me some herbs and asked me to take them once per day. No stinky tea or anything, just a small wax ball that I have to crack open, full of little pellets. I take them with water.
This may seem like an aggressive approach to you. It also might seem silly to you. But if several articles and websites told me that waxing off my eyebrows whilst inserting bamboo shoots under my toe nails would increase the chances of me getting knocked up, I'd do it.
***Qi, pronounced "chee", means energy. Qi is the energy of the body, of the meridians, of food, of the universe. There are refined theories regarding the different types of Qi within the body, the creation and actions of Qi and, consequently, ways to determine where imbalances may arise.
- American Academy of Medical Acupuncture
Saturday, February 9, 2008
A Lesson
I feel foolish. I look back and can hardly believe I had such a cavalier outlook on starting a family. I was excited and thought, this is it, I'm ready, here we go...thinking I would be pregnant within a few months.
Seven months later I am not pregnant and part of me wonders why I am so upset about not being pregnant yet. I cry and then blame it on PMS. I used to wonder why it was so consuming for some women. How is that all that they can think about?
But then one particularly low afternoon I had to dig deep as to why I was so deeply affected. I had to rationalize it. Pick it apart. I began by telling myself that I have only been trying for 7 months, and that many women have been trying for years... How dare I get upset after only a few months with no success. Then I started to think back to the day that I realized I was ready. I know exactly where I was and what I was doing. I also remember being surprised at what a primal feeling it was for me. The answer to the question of when you are going to have children comes to you the same way the other answers to profound decisions you make in your life comes. You just know. There are no more questions, there is no doubt. It was like a switch flipped. It was my gut that spoke to me, an instinct, something so deep I was a little shocked by my own undeniable certainty.
That is why I cried today.Because that side of me has taken over, and wants to complete a single task. Now that I have picked it apart and made a little sense of it, I still feel like crying. I still ache. My lesson for today: Answers are not always solutions.
Seven months later I am not pregnant and part of me wonders why I am so upset about not being pregnant yet. I cry and then blame it on PMS. I used to wonder why it was so consuming for some women. How is that all that they can think about?
But then one particularly low afternoon I had to dig deep as to why I was so deeply affected. I had to rationalize it. Pick it apart. I began by telling myself that I have only been trying for 7 months, and that many women have been trying for years... How dare I get upset after only a few months with no success. Then I started to think back to the day that I realized I was ready. I know exactly where I was and what I was doing. I also remember being surprised at what a primal feeling it was for me. The answer to the question of when you are going to have children comes to you the same way the other answers to profound decisions you make in your life comes. You just know. There are no more questions, there is no doubt. It was like a switch flipped. It was my gut that spoke to me, an instinct, something so deep I was a little shocked by my own undeniable certainty.
That is why I cried today.Because that side of me has taken over, and wants to complete a single task. Now that I have picked it apart and made a little sense of it, I still feel like crying. I still ache. My lesson for today: Answers are not always solutions.
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Nope.
Another month, another disappointment. We were pretty bummed yesterday. I actually wrote an entry but decided not to post it. It was pretty cynical. I feel better today. Hopeful. Maybe next month...
Saturday, February 2, 2008
Trying
By the time you read this we will have already told you that we are going to parents. But right now, as I am typing this, I don't yet know. I don't know if I am pregnant today or not. And I don't know if and when I will be. Brian and I started trying in August of 2007. My doctor and all of the books and websites I have read say that it can take a healthy couple up to a year to conceive.
When we first decided we were ready I bought a few books, saw my doctor and "got to work". The first month I found out I wasn't pregnant completely broke my heart. Before that day I had convinced myself that I probably wouldn't get pregnant right away, and that I wouldn't be one of those irrational women who took ovulation tests or cried when they saw a newborn at the Outback Steakhouse. I thought I had convinced myself. After three months of negative tests I became one of those women. By the way, we aren't "irrational", we're "enthusiastic".
We made the decision not tell anyone that we were trying for a few different reasons. Looking back it made things a little tough at first. In the begining it was fun, like our little secret. But as the first few months went by with no good news I realized how isolated I felt. Even having Brian to talk to wasn't enough. I know he tried hard to empathize, and did his best to comfort me but I think its different for women. When you start this journey, you come to a whole new level of awareness about what your body is doing. You begin analyzing every little twinge. (Here comes the irrational part) I think I even conjured a few pregnancy symptoms, only to be let down a few days later.
I'm sure there are more of you than just my mother-in-law who is disappointed that we didn't tell you we were trying. (Hi Sharon) Just know that it didn't have anything to do with you or our trust in you. It was just a decision that we made, together. But until our baby is on the way, I think this will be a great outlet for me. So I'm crossing my fingers and Brian is rubbing my abdomen for good luck. Daily. Okay, two to three times daily...
When we first decided we were ready I bought a few books, saw my doctor and "got to work". The first month I found out I wasn't pregnant completely broke my heart. Before that day I had convinced myself that I probably wouldn't get pregnant right away, and that I wouldn't be one of those irrational women who took ovulation tests or cried when they saw a newborn at the Outback Steakhouse. I thought I had convinced myself. After three months of negative tests I became one of those women. By the way, we aren't "irrational", we're "enthusiastic".
We made the decision not tell anyone that we were trying for a few different reasons. Looking back it made things a little tough at first. In the begining it was fun, like our little secret. But as the first few months went by with no good news I realized how isolated I felt. Even having Brian to talk to wasn't enough. I know he tried hard to empathize, and did his best to comfort me but I think its different for women. When you start this journey, you come to a whole new level of awareness about what your body is doing. You begin analyzing every little twinge. (Here comes the irrational part) I think I even conjured a few pregnancy symptoms, only to be let down a few days later.
I'm sure there are more of you than just my mother-in-law who is disappointed that we didn't tell you we were trying. (Hi Sharon) Just know that it didn't have anything to do with you or our trust in you. It was just a decision that we made, together. But until our baby is on the way, I think this will be a great outlet for me. So I'm crossing my fingers and Brian is rubbing my abdomen for good luck. Daily. Okay, two to three times daily...
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Brand New
For some of you this maybe the first time reading a blog. What is a blog? It's basically a personal diary made public. So you can know exactly what I'm thinking. I know how much you value my rarely shared opinion.... Now you can enjoy it weekly from the comfort of your own home.
I'm a little freaked out but I think it will be good all together. Thanks for joining us, it should be fun.
I'm a little freaked out but I think it will be good all together. Thanks for joining us, it should be fun.
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