James Dean Meets Tommy Boy

He was a Rebel Without A Cause and Black Sheep. 

Larger than life. 

A ham. 

A shit disturber. 

He barked a squirrels and cement bunnies. 

But he was smart enough to figure out how to get into his food bank. 

We got our beloved dog Parker when he was just 10 weeks old, we'd only been married four months. 

He was our first baby. Our roommate. 

But now his things are gone. Though it's hard to believe that he is. It's like he's nowhere and everywhere at the same time. I walk into a room and expect him to be there. When I open a bag of chips. When pick up my keys. When a doorbell rings - ours or one on TV. On the couches. On our bed. On his beds. Laying in the sun or over a heater vent. 

I keep hearing his collar jingle.

He's been an intrigul part of our lives for the last eight years. And thanks to his nonstop antics and mischief; a source of several arguments. But also reasons for trips to the beach and routine evening walks. We spent close to the cost of a basic IVF cycle on him during his very short life. Between emergency vet visits, medications, toys, food, surgery, doggy daycare, and various treats. 

A little over a week ago he ate part of one of Leah's burp clothes. We weren't sure initially if he had eaten it, we just found one torn to shreds. By Friday he couldn't keep anything down, and hadn't pooped for days. 

The vet told us surgery was the only option. And it would cost between $2,700 and $4,800 depending on how long the surgery lasted. And that wouldn't include the after care costs.

When he was five he had surgery on his knee. He'd torn a ligament that is equal to an ACL in people. And since that surgery he's never quite been the same. It aged him. And while personality wise he was still his wacky, monkey self, there was a distinct difference in his overall demeanor. 

We knew we couldn't afford the surgery, and we knew with the seriousness of the type of procedure it would require, that his recovery would be fairly brutal and he definitely wouldn't ever be the same again. 

And then we knew we couldn't save him.

And our hearts were breaking. 

And our happy little family would be back to three, again. 

We called him our roommate, and he was almost even like the third member in our marriage. Except he never took sides. If we were in different rooms, he would lay in the hallway...

We tried a Hail Mary session of intravenous liquids, and anti nausea medication in hopes that it would he get his bowels moving so that he could pass it. But it wasn't to be. 

Last Saturday night, just after 6pm we put our beautiful little monkey-dog down. They took us into a small room, with a soft blanket spread out on the floor. The vet opened a door on the other side of the room, and Parker came trotting in. The infusion had perked him up a little, but ultimately it was hopeless and at this point, they were just keeping him comfortable. He came in and greeted us as always. We started to cry, hard, as we began our goodbyes. He walked away for a second, and layed down in front of Leah's carseat. He put his head on her lap. As if to say a goodbye that she couldn't. And we cried harder. I left the room. I couldn't stay. I wanted to remember him trotting around, with at least a flicker of light in his eyes. 

And then he was gone.

I've never seen Brian so shaken in the entire 12 years I've known him. And that hurts me almost more than losing Parker. I know in time, we'll want to have a dog again. We'll always be dog people. 

But I feel like we will never love another one this deeply. 

I wasn't a dog person before we got him.

He was such a rascal. He barked incessantly. He would drink water until he puked if we didn't stop him. He was a ninja at stealing cubes of butter off of the kitchen counter. He's eaten countless foreign objects and stolen portions of our meals and snacks. 

Just to name a few: 

battery operated candles

a whole frozen chicken breast - still in the plastic

a pound of chocolate

a bicycle seat

a box of Cheezit's and two boxes of unpopped popcorn including the butter pouches - in one sitting

a beer can

a sponge

rocks

cat poop

wrapping paper

toilet paper

2 lbs of grapes

my $600 nightguard (for teeth grinding)

Which is why we weren't terribly worried when part of the burp cloth was missing. He'd eaten so many other ridiculous things that we just kind of thought he was bullet proof. 

But now he's gone, and we can't stop crying. Everything reminds me of him - which feels good and bad. I realize I probably sound like a lunatic, rambling on about a dog this way. 

But he was no ordinary dog. 

And I will miss him for the rest of my life. 

Birth Story, Part I

The first thing I want to tell you is how grateful I am that my labor and delivery went so well. I really did try to be aware that things could go the exact opposite of what I planned. And things sort of started off that way. I guess one of the things I hadn't planned for was being one of those women who had no idea they were in labor...


But before I jump into the whole me being oblivious part, I need to tell you about my 38 week appointment. I almost posted about it at the time, but decided that I might have been being a little hormonal. And the fact that I would even refrain from ripping a particular Medical Assistant a new asshole on my semi-private blog, should tell you that I was probably a bit irrational as well. 


So. My 38 week appointment. Sitting in the waiting room. Medical Assistant calls me back. Weighs me (gulp). And takes me in to the room. She starts with chit-chat then dives right into talk of induction. For me. At 38 weeks. I start to explain that I wasn't interested in discussing induction at that point and she asks why. I tell her that A. it was more than NINE days before my due date and I hadn't had any complications that would necessitate an induction or even talk of one. And 2. We were planning a natural childbirth and were hoping to avoid medical intervention. I would see my acupuncturist and try all the home remedies after my due date to get things going when the time came. You ignorant meddlesome whore. I'm giving you the toned down version, but she was REALLY pushy. And it pissed me off pretty good. I made it very clear to her that I wasn't interested in scheduling anything on the induction front, and that I wouldn't be held responsible for my actions if she continued to press the issue. 


Fast forward to my 41 week appointment (I was 40 weeks, 5 days). That same damn medical assistant opens the door and calls my name. I wasn't sure she remembered me, so I rolled my eyes and did my best not to punish her for our last interaction. But the same thing happened. Weigh in. Takes me to room. Chit-chat. Blatant agenda pushing. I smile tightly and tell her that I'd be sure to discuss it with Susie (my midwife) when the time came. But she continued. Brian could see the vein in my forehead start to bulge so he jumped in to the conversation in an attempt to extinguish the blaze and save her. STILL she persisted. At this point she started to take my blood pressure. Which, thanks to her, was SKY HIGH now. 140/93. She remarked and I told her I was a little frustrated and that I wanted it taken again at the end of the appointment. 


Susie came in shortly after that and sat down to chat. We talked about where I was, and I mentioned how frustrated I was with her medical assistant. I told her I was certain that's why my BP was off the charts. She said that can be the case sometimes, told me to take some deep breathes and that they'd check it again in a bit. I mentioned that I thought I'd had a few contractions but nothing that seemed consistent or substantial. 


The night before I noticed there were points where my back would hurt a little more than normal, and I felt a few twinges near my cervix-ish that would hurt when I walked - but really sporadically. I blew it off, because I'd been having significant back pain for a while and had been fairly uncomfortable and feeling lots of pressure down there for about a week, which the OB at my 40 week appointment said was normal. 


Susie said she wanted to check me just to see if there had been any progress from the week before when I was 1 cm. I totally agreed, even though Holy CRAP do internals blow. She got to work and while I practiced my breathing techniques to cope with the proding at my cervix. Shortly thereafter she announced that I was four centimeters. WHAAAAAAA??? 


But there was problem. My bag of forewaters was bulging and the baby's head still hadn't dropped. She was concerned about my water breaking and the cord coming out, and the baby's head coming down on top of the cord. If that were to happen it would be very bad for the baby and would mean an emergency c-section for me. She said we needed to go straight to L&D and that she wanted to start me on Pitocin to get things moving and hopefully avoid any danger. I suddenly felt very aware that things could quickly spin completely out of my control. And this is sort of what I had been most afraid of - That they would be over cautious and dangle the whole "make a decision NOW, your baby is in danger" thing. Let me clarify that my baby's safety was always first and foremost the priority in my heart and mind. But I didn't want to be pushed into a decision based on fear. They took my BP again and unfortunately, it had not gone down much at all. Susie checked my urine and there weren't any proteins that suggested Pre Eclampsia, but she was still concerned. 


After discussing whether or not we could go home, get our bags and have a little more time to decide, she made it clear that she was concerned and thought we should go straight to L&D.  We left the office and sat down in the lobby of the medical building to talk about things. We were partially scared and partially feeling concerned about being pushed into using medications. We decided to call my bff Teresa, who then called her midwife to see what she thought. Teresa delivered her youngest son at home with this midwife. She has 30 years of experience and only a handful of patients under her care who required c-sections. She said they could do an ultrasound to check to see where to cord was, so they'd have a better idea of how serious things were. Based on all of that information,  Brian and I talked about it a little more and decided that we would go straight to L&D, but try to stall on the Pitocin.  


While sitting in the lobby talking about all this, and on our walk out to the car I realized that I'd had several contractions. They were manageable but definitely got my attention. On the ride across the street to the hospital we saw a slew of nurses standing on the corner picketing for a strike over benefits. Fantastic... 

One Month

Dearest Leah,


Okay, so I'm like a week late posting this. In my defense I had written most of it on time, but needed to wrap it up. I was however, quite busy taking care of you. Alright no more excuses! Hey, this is my first letter to you since you've been on the outside of me!  Thanks for joining us by the way. (I wrote several that I didn't post) The last few weeks have been a complete whirlwind. I'm happy to say there have only been a handful of times where I've lost my shit because of your crying. And only because I couldn't fix whatever the hell it was that made you screech like a pterodactyl. And I hate that. It makes my heart hurt. I can't do anything else when you're crying, all I want is to fix it. Literally, I was in the loo while your Dad was holding you and I couldn't pee because you were crying. He was doing his best to calm you down, and he did eventually, but until you were quiet, I just sat there paralyzed.


I am loving every day with you. As exhausted as I am when your daddy hands you to me first thing in the morning before he leaves for the day, I can't help but smile. You're typically either half asleep or screaming for breakfast. Either way, I'm so grateful to finally have you in my arms again. I miss you even when I'm sleeping, and as much as I love the longer stretches of sleep for all of us, it some how seems too long since the last time I saw your squishy little face.


We started you on a pacifier about a week ago. And even though you take a little time to remember how to use it, it's nice to have that cork little piece of plastic to please you. We also started you on a bottle. I'm working on pumping regularly so that your dad can feed you more often. I think it's nice for you to have that time together. And for me to have my hands free for a few minutes.


One of my favorite things to do with you is let you sleep on my chest. And the only thing I like more than that, is watching you sleep on your Dad's chest. I try to get at least four or five naps with you each week like that. I can't explain how wonderful that makes me feel.


Sometimes when you're napping next to me or in my arms, you smile and laugh in your sleep. It's SO UNBELIEVABLY ADORABLE, I can't stand it. You've smiled a few times while you're awake, but it doesn't appear to be a reaction to anything, more like a reflex. So I can't wait until I'm able to make you smile regularly. It makes me exctied about all the laughs we have ahead.


Speaking of sleep. You wake up to feed about every three to four hours. There have been a few times that you sleep a WHOLE six hours straight. Which in theory seems awesome, but I wake up in anticipation of you waking up and then lay there while I think to myself, "she'll wake up any second now..." And then I lose sleep checking your bassinet every four and a half minutes for an hour. Super.


At your last pediatrician appointment you measured 22 inches, and weighed 8lbs, 15oz. And no matter how long my list is of things that I'm terrified are "wrong" with you, the Doctor says you are just perfect. 


And I couldn't agree more.


Can't wait to see what the next month brings...


Love, 
momma

Follow Up

I want to thank you all for your comments and support on my last post. To clarify, I did actually explain to my MIL at the time that I wanted her to come with me. I just wasn't honest about the nasty visceral reaction that made me want to scream: MINE. I didn't say anything to her or Brian at the time because to be honest, it really caught me off guard and I felt a little ashamed. I just forgot to add that to my post cause all my brain cells go out with my breast milk.


But Brian had me all figured out anyway. A few days later we stopped by my In Laws on our way to get some groceries. My MIL offered to watch her while we went, and before I could politely decline Brian howled and said "There's no way. Melissa won't leave her for much more than a shower or nap. Thanks though!" It was all said with love, as was my MIL's offer to watch Leah while we went to the store. I know that. I'm just not ready to leave her yet. Hell I miss her while she's in her car seat, behind me...


It's not that I think others aren't capable of watching her, it's just that I don't want to be away from her. It makes my heart hurt to even think about it.


So speaking of our little monkey. She'll be One Month on Sunday! In some ways it seems riDONKulous that she's been in our lives for a month already, but half of the time I constantly stare at her and wonder how she got SO big, SO quickly! She seems gigantic compared to when we first brought her home. 


I'm working on a post for her that I'll get up very soon. And I finished part one of the Birth Story, so you can look forward to those very soon!


P.S. Go Niners! 


P.P.S. I never watch football, and know very little about it. But I grew up in the 80's when the niners were a Dynasty. Also very close to the place where they used to practice. So, it's like a requirement...

Territorial Me

I'm the independent type. Unlikely to ask for help. Not out of pride, but just out of holding the solid belief that for the most part, I can do "it" myself. 


This is not always the case when it comes to the dynamics of my marriage.  I am more likely to ask Brian for help than anyone else in the world.  I'm sure he wonders what makes him so "lucky".


But Brian and I are very different. He will always ask for help when and if the occasion arises. Because that's how his family is; how he was raised.


We're probably both at the end of each spectrum, and neither is right, or better for that matter.


Let me get to the point.


Brian is back to work this week. He's a small business owner. He doesn't get FMLA or PTO.


His solution to my needing help this week, is to refer to his mother. 


Two things.


1. Taking two weeks off was very difficult for him. And technically, it was more like a week and a half. The second week he had to go in for a few hours each morning to get his two guys prepared for the day/week. So being back full time this week is more than overwhelming for him. He has a lot to catch up on. 


2. I love my Mother-In-Law.


BUT. 


I feel very strongly about relinquishing any duties related to us and our home. Not in a "My way or the Highway" kind of way. But more of a "THIS. IS. MINE." feeling. 


And that feeling multiplies in a way I can't even describe when it comes to my daughter. Again, not when it involves Brian, but anyone else. 


Earlier this week I broke down and called my Mother-In-Law to ask if she was free one afternoon. I needed to do some shopping and could use some help.  She replied with "Of course! Do you want me to watch Leah while you run some errands?" 


UM, NO.


I wanted her to come with me, while I ran some errands. I need to figure out how to do stuff outside of the house with Leah, and it would be nice to have a second set of hands while I do so. But the very suggestion of her taking my daughter, or my leaving her, if even for an hour, ran my hackles up right quick. 


So in a classic passive aggressive move to punish myself her, I cancelled our date the next day.


I realize that I am being ridiculous and totally unreasonable. And I don't know how to handle it. 


Am I alone?


P.S. She doesn't know I feel this way. Nor does Brian. 


P.P.S. I know I sound like a complete petty a-hole. 

My Body, My Boobies

So yeah, I'll be the first to admit it; post pregnancy - my body is NOT a wonderland. It's more like something Tim Burton created. 


But it's okay. 

My stomach is flattening out slowly, I only look about four and a half months pregnant. I'm still not entirely sure how much weight I gained because I switched doctors half way through my pregnancy. Plus my doctor's office always had a completely different number than my scale at home. Probably because A. their scale is in proper working order. and B. I usually weigh myself naked at home. First thing in the morning. Before I've eaten anything. But I'm thinking it's between 35-40 pounds total. Based on their numbers I've lost about 15 pounds since delivery. I kind of thought it would have been more, but whatever. I most certainly plan to get back to my pre-baby weight, but I'm going to allow myself the first six weeks to continue focusing on how not to be an unfit mother... 

I ended up with a minor first degree tear after delivery. My midwife doesn't grade tears by the number of stitches, but by the severity of tissue separation. She said mine wasn't bad at all. (Do your Kegels, ladies!!!) But things are tender. They have me doing a Sitz-Bath and using a squeezey bottle of warm water to rinse each time I use the bathroom. Both help take the edge off the discomfort. As do the 600mg Motrin. 

My boobies. Oi. Breast feeding is going well, now... The first few days were rough, as Leah and I were both learning how to do everything. She had a narrow palate, and we were both learning how to latch on correctly so I developed blisters on my nipples right away. That was super. But things got much easier once my milk came in. I think it helped that she didn't have to work as hard to get something out. 


There's a lot I'd like to share about breast feeding but since my time is limited, I'm going to throw it out there in bullet points. So for those of you planning to breast feed I hope this might be helpful. 

Commence Unsolicited Breast Feeding Advice:

• Even under the best circumstances, breast feeding is difficult for new mothers. And your nipples are going to be sore. Period. Because it's more than likely that you've never had someone attached to them 8-12 times a day before now.
• Buy Lanolin. Have it with you in your hospital bag, and in your diaper bag.
• Take a Breast Feeding Workshop if you can. My hospital had classes for them, it cost me $45 dollars but it was WELL worth it. If you can't take a class, I recommend picking up The Womanly Art of Breast Feeding or meeting with a Licensed Lactation Consultant. It will be worth every penny, I promise. 
• List of things to have before the baby comes: Lanolin, Nursing Pads, Softcup Breast Shells, Nursing Bra's, Nursing Tank Tops, My Brest Friend feeding pillow.  I bought the MBF and was given a hand-me-down Boppy that had barely been used, hands down the Brest Friend is worth the extra dollah billz. 
• Don't worry if your milk doesn't come in right away. I had been leaking milk and colostrum since about 28 weeks and mine still didn't come in until FIVE days postpartum. But boy did it come in quick after that.  I literally went to bed feeling like myself, then woke up looking like a Tara Reid wannabe. My boobs were ROCK. HARD. and super lumpy from all of the swollen ducts. I was in tears it was so painful. Brian sent Teresa (my bff) to go pick me up a Breast Pump, I wasn't planning to get one for a while, but good gawd, was it a life saver. I only used it to withdraw enough to be comfortable, and I haven't had to use it since.
• Shoulders Down! Be sure to relax your body when feeding. Also make sure there is a pillow under the arm of the side you're feeding on.
• Don't give up. I promise it will go from feeling like razor blades on your nipples to a gentle tugging. It's definitely not an easy thing to master but the benefits for both you and baby are monumental. 

I have to say in some ways, it's nice to sort of have my body back. To be able to bend at the waist, sleep on my back, to not have to pee every 43 seconds, and not have a consistent back ache. But that stuff aside, I actually miss being pregnant. A lot. I miss my belly and having her with me all the time. Feeling kicks, and movement. It was so wonderful. Not that it trumps having her in my arms, but I really, REALLY enjoyed my pregnancy, and I think of it often. 


I want to take a second to thank all of you for your love and support throughout my journey to get pregnant, and finally coming home with an actual baby... I cannot imagine where my life would be without having known you and the advocacy of the IF community. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you...

Living On Love

Holy Crap you guys. Our little girl is amazing. I am so unbelievably in love, and not only with Leah but there is a whole new depth of respect, admiration and plain ol' squishy love that I feel for Brian and our relationship.


Not every day is easy, we're definitely elbow deep in "On the Job Training". Getting sleep when and where we can is always the number two priority over feeding, changing and comforting the baby, but all in all I feel lucky - she seems like a fairly mellow baby. We've found that working in shifts seems to ensure that each of us gets a few solid hours of sleep. Brian goes to bed early and gets up early, while I stay up late and get up a little later. For the overnight feedings, Bran gets up with Leah, changes her and wakes her up just enough so that I can get a good feeding in. While he is changing her I get myself a glass of water and arrange my pillows accordingly. Grab blankets and anything I'll need to keep us both comfortable. Once I'm set and feeding her, he goes back to sleep. Start to finish feedings take anywhere from fifty minutes to an hour and a half.


I've started several posts, but I struggle with wanting to spend every waking second with my husband and our daughter, over writing things down here so I can remember it all.


I've been working on our labor and delivery story, but I'll at least tell you now that things went pretty well and we were able to deliver naturally. Brian and I feel really lucky that my body didn't do anything too crazy and that my labor went as smoothly as it did.


I can't believe Leah's going to be two weeks old tomorrow. It's been a total blur. Knowing how close our due date was to the holidays, Brian and I had repeatedly discussed how we don't want Leah's birthday to ever be trumped by Christmas festivities. Funny thing is this year Leah's birth completely blew Christmas out of the water on both sides of our family. We haven't even opened any of our presents yet... They're all just sitting in a pile until we can figure out different nights for Brian's family and mine to come over for a Christmas redux.


Well, I need to go sneak in a shower while the sleeping baby window is still open (Brian had to go in to work for a bit).  So I'll leave you with a few pictures until I can update again. 


Happy New Year Everyone! I really hope this year brings us all prosperity in life, love, family building and finances! I say finances because we all know how much building a family really costs...

Brian, Leah and Parker

Little Leah on the changing table!

(p.s. we keep a heating pad on there to prevent ear piercing diaper changes)

Meet My Daughter...

Leah Marjorie

December 22, 2011

11:34pm

7lbs, 12 oz

19 3/4 inches and perfect

Labor, birth story, and more pictures to come. We are so in love. 

And yes, of course, she was worth the wait...

I'm In Labor, Yo

I went in for my regular appointment and I was 4cm dilated.

Admitted

Contracting

Dilating

Wow

Still Here, Still Pregnant

Howdy folks, just thought I'd check in. Still here, still pregnant. But I do think my body is doing what it's supposed to; I'm feeling tons of pressure in my pelvic region and some stabby feelings near my cervix. And I'm pretty certain I lost my mucus plug. Not that that will give any indication as to how far out actual labor is, but it's progress so I'm content with that. I don't really have it in me to come up with a witty post , so here is my templated update.


How Far Along: 40 Weeks, 4 Days


How Big is Baby: Feeling GIGANTIC. Seriously, I can feel the distinction between each foot that pushes against my belly, and they feel so much bigger than they did just two weeks ago. It's making me a little nervous!


Weight Gain: I'm estimating right around 40 pounds. Which is fine with me. Do I wish it was a little less? Of course. But I'm not going to beat myself up about it... And I haven't gained anymore weight in my last three appointments. 


Maternity Clothes: I am rapidly running out of shirts that cover my entire belly. Pants are mostly uncomfortable, I'm in a nightgown as much as possible when home. I haven't worn regular shoes in over three weeks. I am all about the flip flop. Here in the Bay Area it only dips into the low 40's - at night (50-60 during the day), so I'm grateful for that.


Sleep: Still not great. There are a lot of bathroom trips, and arduous attempts at tossing and turning that makes complete rest impossible. I'm always thrilled when I get a two and sometimes four hour stretch. And I'm grateful to be off of work so that I can take naps and rest during the day.   


Gender: We'll know very soon!


Movement: Very discernible. Baby G has been in the same position for several weeks now. From my perspective s/he is head down with their back facing out on my right side, which makes the legs and feet stretch across to my left side. So I feel the most movement on the higher part of my belly on the left and right sides. I feel a hiney and feet. 


Food: Mmmmm, fooooood. It's very possible that a tiny portion of the last 10 lbs I gained may have had to do with my taking advantage of holiday festivities and being home to eat whatever tickles my fancy. Sue me. 


What I miss: For the last 36 weeks, I've maintained the stance that there was not one single thing I missed quantitatively more than the amount of gratitude I felt for being able to maintain a healthy pregnancy. And I still feel that way, but I'm going to be very honest here. I do miss a few things: wearing my wedding rings, sleeping on my back, hugging Brian face to face comfortably. 


What I'm looking forward to: Giving birth. Meeting our baby. Introducing our baby to family and friends. Starting our new life together as a family. 


Milestones: Being 40 Weeks, 4 Days


Symptoms: Oi,  you might want to make a dash for the ladies room now, this could go on for a while. 

• Stuffy nose - I caught a cold two days after we transferred our embies and I haven't really been able to breathe through my nose well since then. Using a saline spray and or netti pot, are only temporary fixes. 
• Carpal Tunnel - swelling and water retention causes CT during pregnancy, and mine is getting worse. First thing in the morning my hands get crazy swollen, and are so painful that I can't even give the dog his good morning scratch and rub down. It hurts that much. 
• Restlessness - I tend to get really restless towards the end of each night. Between 9 - 11pm. I end up having to take a shower just to calm down and take the edge off. I feel a little guilty saying that I've been taking two showers a day for the last two weeks, but it's all I can do to keep comfortable. 
• Braxton Hicks - for the last week I've had very consistent BH. Which I know is a good thing. It's my uterus practicing for the big day. 
• Fatigue, crankiness, overall discomfort.  

All in all I'm doing well, my blood pressure which was an issue early in my second trimester is very much under control now. I was 112/63 at my last appointment. Woo hoo! So I'm very happy to be pretty healthy otherwise. I'll continue to keep you all informed!

Hello And Goodbye Due Date...

I woke up this morning not expecting much. Which turned out to be incredibly appropriate. Evidently only 5% of babies are born on their actual due date, and over 50% are born about a week later. But I wasn't anticipating today to be THE day anyway...


Brian and I spent the day together, running errands and dodging phone calls from impatient family members. They want to know if I feel anything. But regardless of what I do or don't feel, I have no frame of reference for indications of impending contractions.  I only find myself astonished by how much leverage people give due dates. 


We had an appointment on Thursday. My Midwife was called out to a delivery, so they squeezed us in with one of the OB's I've never met before. She attempted an internal exam, and was able to get some information but it was so uncomfortable I asked her to stop. She was not super gentle. On a side note one difference I've noticed between male and female doctors. Males seem to be more gentle physically, but less connected on a personal level. Where as the lady docs seem to just "get to work" down there, with less concern for physical comfort. Anyhoo, at that point she said I was 1-2 cm Dilated, and about 60% effaced. Cervix was still high, but very soft. Which means nothing... 


She basically told us it could be 10 days or it could be 2.


It's just hurry up and wait...

A Room To View

Okay, the nursery is officially done. I am lame and don't feel like putting in the effort to create the slide show for it. I really honestly thought the slide show was going to be easier to do, and I'm sure the only way it could be easier is if I posted my login and password here and had one of you folks do it for me. Bottom line is: I'm lazy. 

Hooray! 

So I know I covered this a little bit earlier, but let me preface this slew of photo's reminding you all just how incredibly lazy I am. Oh, and when I said the nursery originally looked like the cleanest room on an episode of Hoarders. 

I totally wasn't kidding...

We used to call this our "Staging Area" aka: Room to put crap when unexpected company showed up. The twin bed there on the right side, was never really used as a guest bed, but really more for our dog Parker. 

His last night in the room. I'm kidding he had no idea we were about evict him from his own private haven, but doesn't he kind of have that knowing look in his eyes that he is about to take a step down in rank in our household?

Back in September around the time I was about 25 weeks along, I finally started to feel comfortable enough that we might actually bring home a baby at the end of all this, so I started cleaning.

Though it wasn't until the end of October, beginning of November that we were able to get it painted. And when I say we, I mean Brian...

Our stash of loot, after two showers. (if you look closely, you can see the crib underneath it all)

Annnnnnd the finished product!

Here's a close up of the pictures. I got each print from two different artists on E.tsy. Though the print in the middle there is a pic of our embies on transfer day.

one, two, three

Brian built both of the dressers

We have pretty much ZERO closet space in our house, so we chose to have two dressers. They're both completely filled already...

Is this too Sweet or what? Brian signed the back of the larger dresser. 

The original plan was for Brian to make all of the furniture (not including the glider), but we ended up buying the crib since the cost of the hardware alone, was the same price as one of the cribs that we based the design on anyway. But the dressers are bad ASS and will probably follow our kid to Junior College someday.

Every time I walk passed this room, I can't help but stop and stare. 

How come we're so lucky?

Reminiscing

I've been thinking about the days when I spent hours pondering and analyzing potential pregnancy symptoms. 

My how things come full circle. 

Because I've spent the last 48 hours pondering and analyzing potential labor signs... And I just remembered that before I found out I was pregnant, I'd had ZERO symptoms. I was fairly certain our IVF cycle hadn't worked. And the entire week before that I had gone back and forth in my head, "it TOTALLY worked!" - "We're NEVER going to be parents." and so on...

Once again I find myself hanging in the balance of "Could this be it?!"... Is today the day?

Only in the past two or three days have I started to feel any anxiety about the due date. It's gets crazy when you can say with certainty that sometime within the next 15 days, you will have a baby. And I think I'm starting to get a little freaked out. Though I can't exactly pinpoint why. Part of me feels unprepared for labor, even though just a week ago I felt disturbingly confident. My emotions are all over the place. I'm cranky, whiny, bitchy, paranoid, anxiety-ridden, and then fine. I did not see any of that coming...

Physically this pregnancy is getting a lot harder. It's not just hard to bend down, but it actually hurts now - it feels very crampy. My hands and feet are very swollen and I've developed pretty substantial Carpal Tunnel. I can barely make a fist. I feel a lot of pressure in my nether regions, but not all day everyday. It's worse in the morning and at night. Or if I've been sitting or laying down for a long time. And sometimes when I turn my right foot out to the side, I get this awful dull pain that runs down my groin. P.S. the baby's head is on that side. Sleeping is still poo. My back hurts a lot. But I'm still loving every minute of this pregnancy, and despite all the physical discomfort; feeling a little sad that it's almost over. 

The baby seems to be doing well. Although last night I'd swear he/she had like four frappachino's or something. It felt like he/she was trying to swim to the bottom of the tank, if that makes any sense. Crazy constant movement. And even as it got really uncomfortable and disruptive (kept me awake!) I couldn't help but laugh as I watched my belly moving up and down and side to side. It was truly rambunctious. 

I have an appointment with my midwife tomorrow at 4:15pm. At my last appointment she told me she'll want to do an internal just to have a look at things.  And for the first time I feel okay with that. I felt so much indifference before because I know that whatever dilation/effacement measurement she gives me, it won't necessarily indicate when labor might start, so why bother? I wasn't planning to anything to evict my little one anyway. At least not within the first ten days after my due date anyway. But within the last couple of days I've begun to challenge my original non-plan plans. My acupuncturist assured me that doing a session with her wouldn't necessarily be like hitting an eject button, it would only work if my body was ready to allow it to work. I made an appointment for this Friday, but I'm probably going to cancel it...

I'm 39 Weeks, 4 days and currently feeling like I just don't know what to do with myself. 

Maybe it's just the pressure of "any day now"...

Sending Love

Please take a moment to stop by my dear friend Meg's blog at No Oven For The Bun. My heart is absolutely aching for her and her husband right now. 

After their gestational surrogate provided four great beta's, they had their first ultrasound yesterday only to reveal an empty sac... 

She needs and deserves our support right now. Please take some today to send her warm thoughts and prayers.

This is just so unfair...

Am I Missing Anything?

In case you haven't read and memorized my self indulgent list of 100 things about me (listed on the tab above) something you should know - I'm an established over-packer. And not in a "Oh, ha ha, me too" kind of way, but more like in an "anxiety-ridden paranoid Boy Scout" kind of way. But I did my best to dial down the crazy for our hospital bags, because for the small amount of time I'm hoping we'll actually be at the hospital, I don't want to go too overboard. I've broken down our main bag in to subcategories, here's what we've got so far:

Toiletries:

Shampoo & Conditioner

Hair Brush

Toothbrushes

Hair Ties

Razor

Deodorant

Make-up

Chap stick

Maxi Pads

Nursing Pads

Nipple Cream

Clothes:

Laboring Gown (I'd like to wear my own clothes. I realize I'll probably have to throw the gown away. It's a sleeveless, tea length cotton night gown I bought for $4.48 at Targ.et off of the clearance rack)

Nursing Bra (I'll wear a regular one to the hospital)

Socks and Roo's (Underwear) (For both Mom and Dad) (AWWWWW)

Maternity Pants (to go home in)

Over sized Cardigan (In place of a robe)

Shirts (For both Mom and Dad)

Flannel Bottoms (For Dad)

Misc:

Pillows 

Camera's & Chargers

Call List

iPad

Bose Speaker (For playing music from an iPod)

iPod

Food:

Cereal Bars

Apple Sauce

Crackers

Trail Mix

Gatorade

Stuff for the Nurses (I need to run by Cos.tco to pick up a large tin of Cookies or Chocolates as a thank you to the staff)

Diaper Bag:

Diapers  (I know the hospital will provide some)

Wipes

Feeding Cover

Baby Nail Clippers

Burpee's

Blankets

Mittens

Socks

Shirts (These were recommended by a friend who just had a baby. She said they're great because they won't disturb baby's tender belly button, and they have built in mittens which are ideal for two reasons 1. They provide protection from the baby's nails in case the stupid mittens you brought won't stay on. 2. Keeps your potentially germ plagued visitors from grabbing baby's hands - It's flu season, yo)

Hats

Three different outfits (ranging in sizes, cause we don't know how big or little our monkey will be)

So what say you ladies? Am I missing anything? 

All Along The Watchtower

Ever feel like you're being watched?

I DO.

It took me several weeks of getting used to people asking how I was feeling as opposed to how I was doing, but now - it's got an entirely different context to it. And it's not just "How are you feeling? " it's "Hooowwww are you Feeeeeeeling??????"

And I'm super annoyed by it.

(fyi, if you know me in real life and have access to this blog, you're not included in this post - It's my crazy family that's making me want to kill someone)

Please understand, I'm grateful to have so many people in my life who care about me, and this baby. And it's arrival. But the last thing I ever want is for people to make a fuss over me, and if they have to, I don't want to know about it. 


So my family has been all up in my grill over the last week wanting to know "Hooowwww I'm Feeeeeeeling??????", and it really just wants to make me turn off my phone and lock my doors. And for some reason, the impending birth of this child is brining up all sorts of dysfunctional family dynamics just like weddings do. And it's kind of astonishing how many demands are being made of us. "So and so wants to know THE MOMENT you go into labor so she can blah, blah, blah" 


How about this, I don't really give a shit what you want. Our plan is to labor as long as we can at home and after we decide to go to the hospital, and once we get admitted and settled, we'll make a couple of calls to let people know where we're at. Then whoever wants to come to the hospital can do so that their leisure.


Okay, sorry, just had to get that off my chest. 


But to update all of you whom I love, and don't have any problem telling every detail to: I'm feeling okay. I am getting Braxton Hicks pretty consistently, especially when I walk a lot. I was never carrying super high, so I don't think I've dropped. But I can feel a slight heaviness in my pelvis. Mostly when I get up from sitting or laying down. Which from what I understand means the baby is dropping into the birth canal. Other than that things are moving right along. I'm being as productive as I can throughout the day, but definitely not pushing myself. Oh, and I might be a little more cranky than usual. :) Our hospital bags, and the baby's diaper bag is completely packed. And I feel ready. 


So unbelievably ready. 

Checking In!

Hello! I'm here, and still pregnant!

Monday was my first official day of maternity leave and I could not feel more relieved... Honestly, I wish that my leave had started the week of Thanksgiving instead. Initially I planned to work up until my due date, then changed it to a week before, and once sleep started becoming ridonkulous I bumped it back another week.  For those of you still early on in your pregnancy, and especially if this is your first one, I would highly recommend planning to be out a minimum of two weeks before your due date. Just because you really don't know what your body is going to do. And it's been nice to have some down time to get all of the little things wrapped up.

So the sleeping thing has gotten a little easier to manage, but only because I stopped fighting it. About the middle of last week I stopped worrying about needing to be functional at a certain time and I just got up instead of laying in bed torturing myself over how much more sleep I should be getting. I'm staying up a lot later, instead of going to bed at the usual time and my sleep has been SO much less fitful. And if I wake up and can't go back to sleep for more than 30 minutes, I get up and do something useful. And even though the timing is a little stupid, the quality of sleep I'm getting is better so I'm not as exhausted all the time.

I can't believe it's Thursday already. I've been so busy this week, that I've hardly had time to sit down and catch up on blogs.  Wow, NINE days until our due date - BANANA'S! 

More later!