Primalizafied

Yes, I’m making up words now. Call it too much spare time (ha!), call it too little education. But I like it. And it’s my laymen's term for keeping things simple and following the Back to Basics mentality when it comes to parenting.  I like to think of how animals raise their babies. Ape's don't drop off their kids with grandma, or use the Ferber method... Yes, I understand there is a distinction. I walk upright, can drive a car, and have never, ever, thrown my poop. 

(i feel the need to point out that I'm not judging anyone, just making a funny)

I have to say Motherhood has surprised me in so many ways. I’m not saying I deserve an award or anything or have really even been challenged yet, but I’m rather delighted by how naturally taking care of Leah has come to me. Not always easy to do, but the inclination has come fairly effortlessly. It is however occasionally sidelined by the knowledge of urban myths, horror stories, and the basic yet all too real irrational fear of accidentally killing my child. I’m also very surprised by how “granola” my outlook and preference is in regards to taking care of and providing for her. I suppose you could file me under Attachment Parenting, but I hate to commit to or lump myself in to any one singular belief. Before having Leah, when I thought about what kind of parent I would be, I imagined mostly outlines of integrating her into our family, rather than changing our way of life to accommodate her. It’s not that I didn’t think having a baby wouldn't change things, and maybe it was just the naiveté of a first time expectant parent, but I really thought I would want to implement a much more rigorous schedule that would make her adapt to our lifestyle . But now that she’s here, call it the “you never know until you’re in those shoes” effect; but in my head, conforming our lives around her needs makes more sense than attempting to teach an infant to live like an adult. Now I will say, I think we’ve been blessed with a very easy baby. But so far working around her demands has gone pretty well. I don’t let her cry much. Most of her fussiness stems from being overtired and I make every attempt to soothe her while she’s upset. I carry her around a lot, that’s not to say she doesn’t get plenty of floor and tummy time while I watch her from the kitchen or fold laundry on the couch. And when in public I’m almost always wearing her. (LOVING the moby wrap, btw) Will this backfire on me someday? Maybe. But right now she’s a pretty happy baby, which makes for a very happy momma and daddy. I look at this method as a lifestyle choice. I didn’t choose to have a baby so I could keep living the same existence, I wanted something different. So it’s not a sacrifice for me; it’s a way of life.

As far as my plans for sleep training goes, I am remarkably grateful to say she started sleeping through the night on her own before I could get halfway through the No Cry Sleep Solution book I bought. I take no credit for this, and instead give it all to her thumb. Because during the week when she discovered it, she instantly learned how to self soothe. So because of her thumb I am sleeping through the night along with her. With the exception of getting up around 1am to change her. I am working to teach her to learn how to fall asleep by herself, but I don’t let her cry in the process. I rock her and shush her to the point where she is almost asleep, and then I set her down in her crib, eyes mostly open, and leave the room. About 65% of the time she will roll over and go to sleep. I know this because we have a video monitor. Other times she flips around and sometimes talks herself to sleep. But I leave her be unless she starts to cry. Then I go in and start the process over. Will this bite me in the ass someday? Maybe.

I sleep with her stuff. Her blankets, her clothes. This probably sounds nuts, let me explain. She has two main swaddling blankets. Yes, I still swaddle, but I leave one arm out. I sleep with whichever one she is not using, that way she can always smell me. And the night before the days that I work, I tuck whatever outfit she is going to wear between my nighttime nursing bra and my nightgown, so she can smell me all day, not just at nap time. Weird maybe, but harmless.

She's on the verge of six months and we all know what that means: Solid foods. While I am generally ecstatic to witness each milestone, this one makes me a bit sad. Because I won't be exclusively breastfeeding anymore. I'm thankful to say breastfeeding has gone very well for me, us. And I have loved every minute of it. It's our special quite time together. And it's a fabulous excuse to leave the room when I'm over the company that's in my house. For some reason she nurses just a bit longer then... I do plan to BF for a while longer. Probably into the range of what they consider Extended Breast Feeding. The AAP recommends supplemental BF'ing up to 24 months. I'm not saying I'll be the one whipping out my girls at the park for a snacky-snack. I honestly see it as more of a morning and bedtime routine when she's that old. But who knows, she may not want it that long, or my body may not cooperate to that extent. We'll just have to see. The moral of the story is, this is one more step towards her not breastfeeding anymore, and I'm sad to think of it ending.

I guess my reason for this post is to justify what floats around in my silly little brain and to silently address the people who think it's their right to critique my method of parenting. Who I won't even bother to respond to, who have much older or grown children who say; "Go out, you need a break!" Actually, I don't. I like this job. This is what I signed up for. This is my new life. And I don't want to miss a single second of it. 

Wouldn't It Be Nice...

Since the day I brought Leah home from the hospital I have been counting my lucky stars. Even now I can hardly fathom the fact that she is my daughter. I wake up every morning excited and astonished to greet the baby babbling and kicking off her blanket, ready to start the day. There were so many days I spent paralyzed with fear that we would never know parenthood. And experiencing it makes me want that for all of you so much more. 

Two days ago we got a certified letter from my RE. It’s a letter requesting direction on what we would like to do with our remaining embryo. It's also bill for storage fees. We of course plan to keep it, for now. The further we got in to the process of Infertility, the more we felt like just one baby would suffice. Partially was because of the financial implications. We knew it would take plenty of money to get pregnant to begin with, so we assumed we may not be in the position to A. do IVF more than once, and 2. We sort of liked the idea of being able to provide the extras (including paying for college) for one child as opposed to maybe splitting our resources between two. I think another big reason was that I just felt so fragile then. Like one baby would be all I could ever handle. 

But now that Leah is here, I look into her eyes and when I think about the amount of love and joy I get from seeing her little face- well I just can’t imagine not at least trying to experience all of that again. I loved being pregnant, and I love watching her grow. And I would love, love, LOVE to experience this all over again. I of course realize that this is a very premature conversation, because A. Umm, i just had a baby five months ago. 2. We don't know if we will be in the position to afford another child. and C. Don't even know if our one remaining embryo would make it through the thaw, let alone implant post transfer. But I will tell you this.  I will never go on Birth Control again, and I will never do a fresh IVF cycle again. IVF was fucking hard, really hard. Granted I did not have the smoothest cycle, (Remember the Whore-bag Cyst that delayed my cycle by SEVEN weeks???), Obviously worth it, but still... And as far as the birth control goes, there are two reasons. The first being that because of my clotting disorder MTHFR, I shouldn't be on any progesterone based Contraception pill because it can increase my risk of stroke. (yes, I know there are other options) And second, even though three different RE's told us we had a less than 1% chance of getting pregnant naturally; if we get pregnant and it DOESN'T cost us 20k - I'm okay with that. 

Part of me is surprised by my feelings on this, because I was pretty well set on being happy with one baby. But to tell you the truth I have missed being pregnant from the day after I delivered. And now more than ever, I feel like being a mother is something I was made to do. And I hope that we are lucky enough with all aspects to be able to have another baby someday, but if not I know I won't regret a thing, and that we are still very lucky to have the most amazing baby girl ever. 

Five Months

Dearest Leah,

I don’t know which I love more, your big gummy smiles when you first wake up or your exuberant belly laughs when I nibble at your tiny toes. Both just about send me over the edge. Sometimes you laugh at a song or a silly face, and sometimes it’s just a big sigh from me that does the trick. Either way kiddo, keep up the great work, cause when you laugh and smile at me NOTHING. ELSE. MATTERS.

Recently you’ve started to get so much stronger, especially at holding up your head.  I love sitting you up and watching you look around as though it’s a completely different world in this position. I got you one of those jumperoo thingies and can’t wait to see you go to town in it.  At the moment you could pretty much careless, but I know you’ll come around…

You have really started to figure out where your mouth is, and you certainly don’t hesitate putting just about everything in it. But it’s mostly your hands or your shirt. And your thumb! You discovered your thumb! Super cute, but I suddenly feel like I should start putting away for future orthodontist appointments. It’s amazing to see you start to understand that your hands and toys can be chewed on, even though when you try to get a toy in your mouth you mostly hit yourself in the face, but the point is; you get it! So cool.

Since we moved you to your crib full time a few weeks ago you’ve been sleeping a lot better. It makes me sad not to have you right next to me in your bassinet, but I’m happy that you’re comfy in your crib. You’ve even slept through the night a handful of times, even though I never do. I’ll wake up at 3:30 expecting you to get up “any minute now” and then toss and turn until my alarm goes off, or you eventually wake up a few hours later. There doesn’t seem to be a rhyme or reason to your longer stints. I’ve monitored naps and even tried inducing a milk coma, but it just seems like you do it when you need it. And that works for me.  All in all I can’t complain about your sleep habits these days, and I almost feel bad telling the blogosphere that I had nothing to do with your new ability to sleep at least six hours straight. I put you down between 7-8pm depending on your cues, and then you typically don’t get up until 2:30 or 3:00am. The only problem I have though is the fact that I don’t go to bed until 10:30 or 11, so I don’t get as much sleep as I could. BAD momma!

The time since you’ve been born has gone by obscenely fast, but for some reason this past month in particular has flown by. While I love seeing you make all of this progress in the physical and cognitive aspects, it makes me a little sad that you are moving more and more away from the infant stage. Still its impossible not to look forward to seeing who you'll become.

Can't wait to see what next month brings.

Love, Momma

Unclenching

Holy Crap, where did May go?!


I’m not sure how things work in your house, but in G-Town USA, Momma carries the brunt of the domestic work load. Brian and I have lived this way since we got married. I love my domesticity. I live for my home life and there is truly no place else I’d rather be. This works out well for us, because Brian is the hardest working most driven, and passionate person I have ever met. He works 65+ hours a week outside the home, and I work 119 in it. But that doesn’t mean that Brian works less than me. His job is very demanding, and intense, and he gets an obscene amount of things done in a short period of time. You could say that his job is a sprint, and mine a marathon.

Where am I going with all this, you ask? Well, I’d like to lay out a little life lesson that smacked me upside the sinuses the week before last. I contracted my first cold since having Leah, and holy crow did it knock me on my ass.  (thanks again for sharing that with me dear!) I’ve always had allergies, so when I felt more congested than normal that last Thursday, I didn’t really question it. Until late Friday morning came and suddenly I was only congested on one side – that’s how I can tell, allergies are always both sides. By Friday afternoon my wheels were falling off and I was having trouble keeping up with a baby who can’t even crawl yet. And I was only able to dip my toe in the pity pool for a second when I realized that I had been hugging and kissing and breathing on Leah all day long (before I realized I was sick). And I started to panic. I couldn’t stand the idea of her getting sick, and it possibly being my fault. So Saturday morning when I woke up feeling like snot covered death, I knew I would have ask for help. Since Brian works every Saturday I called my Mother-in-law and asked her to hang out with Leah while I tried not to croak in my bedroom. Not easy for me, but I knew it was the best thing for Leah to not be around me, and for me to get some rest. 


Would you believe I was too sick to care about having to listen to my MIL hold and sing and baby-talk to Leah? Good, cause I wasn’t and it bugged the crap out of me every single second she was there. 
How about some points for keeping my mouth shut, cause I just let them do their thing and didn’t say a single word? Nope, cause she is great with Leah, and I’m an asshole for being annoyed to begin with.

But this isn’t about my Mother-in-law.  It’s about the dynamic between Brian and I. And the lesson I’m learning about letting go and letting Brian do his thing with Leah. It’s a really sketchy line between helping him understand her cues and not making him feel like a useless failure. I tend to prattle on from the other room about what every coo or cry means. And I don’t do this because I’m a know it all. (At least I don't think I am... I mean, I don’t try to be) I do it because I ache to care of her every second of every moment. I trust Brian implicitly, but the fact is I’m with her more. I know her better. And I know that her fussiness is a slippery slope. If you don’t catch it early enough she will crash and burn and take you down with her. That mostly applies to being tired, because she tends to get overtired very quickly and then it’s really hell getting her down for a nap or bed time. So how do I find a healthy balance between helping Brian understand and anticipate her needs, and not letting her suffer because he doesn't realize she's about to fall apart but I don't want to nag him?

Well I got a crash course in learning to let go this past weekend while I was sick. I didn't want to be around Leah more than I had to, and the times that I did I was wearing a surgical mask. (Is that nuts?) So I had to let Brian do the bulk of the work. It was SO hard to not be the one caring for her, especially when she was crying because it wasn’t what she was used to. And I know realistically, she was FINE. He wasn't forcing her to watch Moonshiners or holding her up by her ankles. It’s just horrible to listen to her crying, when I know it’s something I can fix right away. I’m happy to say however that he took the reins like a champ. I was so proud and grateful and impressed. But not one bit surprised. He's great with her, and the coolest part about it is, it's because he wanted to be. And sometimes the desire is more important than the know-how. I want to feel okay with her crying a little while she’s getting used to him caring for her, and putting her to bed. But a big part of me feels like it will be better for her if we wait until she isn’t so little to get her used to this. Ultimately I want him to be involved, and not because I need a break, but because I want her to feel as used to him as she is to me. I want him to know that bond. Where I struggle is being okay with her crying. We are not going to practice the Cry It Out method, so I’m having a hard time with where this transition falls. (not judging anyone on CIO, that’s just how I feel)

So I’m back to my semi-healthy self again, and back to running our daily and nightly routines. But the battle still continues. And I don’t mean that to sound like we fight constantly. I mean it’s a battle to constantly try to foresee her ever changing needs while cementing routines that work for her and us, and adapting to how that changes the dynamics in our marriage. It’s just as hard as I heard it would be, so maybe this is why I am desperately trying to control what few things I still have a handle on? Does that make sense?


Stay Tuned.

Four Months

Dearest Leah,


I’ve been back to work for a month now, and I think I’m slowly getting the hang of it. I’m sure you’d be naked or wearing one of your dad’s shirts as a diaper if I had to start back fulltime. I do not know how other Mommies do it. The first day without you was pretty rough, I cried all the way to work and broke the sound barrier driving back home to see you at the end of that day. But we’re figuring it out, and so far I haven’t screwed up anything at home or work too badly. But I still would MUCH rather be home with you every single minute of every single day.

You have started laughing, and I am able to get a pretty good giggle out of you with the help of a big squishy bumblebee toy. While it’s hilarious to see you laugh, it also makes me cry. I’m a big sap and really, I wasn’t ever sure that I’d see this day or hear your laughter. It makes me look forward to when you’re old enough to watch bad TV with me and cry over complete strangers. 

You rolled over about ten days ago. I was so anxious that it would happen on a day that I was at work, then last Friday we came home from running errands I set you down on the blanket in the living room while I checked to see which episode of friends was on next. (The One with the Embryos) (How fitting for my blog post here!) This is the one when Phoebe is her brothers Gestational Carrier, and Chandler and Joey play Monica and Rachel at Who knows Whom better. “ I AM SO GOOD AT LIGHTENING ROUNDS!” Anyway, so I turn around and you’re on your belly, just looking around and living life as though your mother isn’t a careless failure who chose TV over your first big physical feat. Can I at least call on the 47 minutes of useless video taken of you NOT rolling over? You were SO close though…

Sleep. The day finally came that it seemed you were just too big for your bassinet. In addition, I was afraid that your dads and my tossing and turning at night was keeping you up. I wish I could do the co-sleeping thing, but as much as I love having your squishy little face next to me,  I just don’t sleep well enough when you’re in the bed. I moved you out slowly over about ten days. I put you to bed in your crib at 8, then when you’d get up for your first feeding between 11-1, I’d put you back down in the bassinet. But just a few days ago I let you sleep in your crib all night long. I wish I could say that even though I missed you, I slept more soundly with you in your own room, but I spent most of the night staring at the video monitor making sure you were okay. And since you now wake up without fail at ten minutes to 5am, we have a little routine set of me nursing you in bed and then we both fall back to sleep until LIVE! With Kelli comes on or it’s time to get up.

At your four month appointment your Pediatrician was impressed with how well you can hold your head up, and how long your tiny fingers are.  You now weigh 12 pounds, 4.5 ounces and measure 25 ½ inches long. We love your doctor too by the way. When he came in to the exam room he greeted you first then asked “How are you guys doing? Starting to feel more comfortable being Mom & Dad? Starting to notice some of the stupid crap other people do with their kids, yet?”  But really he has a very gentle manner, listens to my ridonkulous list of questions patiently, and gives reassuring, yet no nonsense answers. You got another round of shots, which made you scream and me cry (I know), but then you slept like A ROCK. Which means momma did too!

It seems like every day you are turning more and more into a little person. And you’re finally out of that cranky stage, except for about 30 minutes before bed time. But even those difficult days were amazing, the new baby/new mom high is definitely still in full effect, I'm just like, stoopid happy. All the time. Just getting to know you feels like the biggest gift and every new day with you is my favorite. I can’t wait to see what the next month brings.

Love,

Momma

Supplied!

And you folks are exactly what I love about this community. I’m having a tough time with online boards, it seems like most of the people who reply are either crazy bitches or know-it-all schmucks. Neither of which I half an ounce of tolerance for.

So I’m happy to report that trying a combination of your suggestions has not only helped me increase my supply, but I was able to get caught up on my frozen supply while maintaining a fresh supply for the two days she is with my MIL. WOO HOO!

I was asked if Leah was sleeping through the night. She is not, she goes to bed at 8 and is up to feed between 11-2, then feeds again between 4-6. If she only feeds on one side I will stay up and pump the other. Also I try to feed her again right before I leave around 8:30am, but sometimes she’s just not interested.

So per your suggestions, I have switched to the preemie nipples, and asked my MIL to distract her if she starts crying right after it’s finished. If she still seems fussy after 10 minutes, she goes ahead with another bottle. (This usually only applies to 2-3 ounce bags)

On the days I am away from Leah, I pump every three hours religiously. Then I pump every night about an hour after she has gone to bed. (I nurse her to sleep at bed time) I have not tried double pumping, but will give it a shot. I usually massage my breasts while pumping to help encourage the flow. I also ALWAYS have a picture of Leah in front of me.

The Tea. Shit actually works. I stopped drinking it for two days and saw a noticeable decrease in the amount I was able to pump while maintaining my regular pumping/feeding habits. I hate the licorice taste, and hot tea is not exactly appetizing on the hot days, so I decided to chill it and it’s much easier to get through 32 ounces a day. That way it’s refreshing, a change of pace from water, and not nearly as licoriceishy tasting. (They recommend 24 – 40 ounce per day.)

I’m also working on eating the suggested foods!

One more question! I seem to be getting a blister in the same spot on the same nipple, which always leads to a clogged duct, because the milk can't get past the inflammed skin. I realize this is likely a latching issue, but does anyone have any suggestions on how to prevent it? I noticed that I got it one time after falling asleep while nursing - she just kept pacifying it. Then I woke up super raw. UGH. But I don't always realize there is an issue until later on.

Thanks again ladies!!!

Supply and Demand

Before I went back to work, I spent a few weeks building a frozen supply of breast milk for Leah. However she’s gone through it a lot faster than I thought she would. And I only have bottle feeding to blame for that. I’ve read that primarily breastfed babies have a hard time knowing they are full on the occasion that they take a bottle. Flow from the breast is much slower so it’s easier for baby to recognize when its full. Example: Leah can nurse anywhere from 20 -35 minutes, but she can down a bottle in under 10. So on the two days I am at work, she goes through double what she would when I nurse her.

Now my frozen supply is dwindling, and I‘m freaking out a bit about how I will be able to keep up. On the days I am at work I pump and bring that home, then I try to pump every day when I am home just to make up for the additional bags that are used on the other two days, but I’m thinking I won’t be able to maintain my frozen supply much longer.

I drink tons of water, and even started drinking Org.anic Moth.ers Mi.lk Tea to help increase my supply so I can pump twice a day instead of once, or have a larger quantity to pump. Does anyone else have experience with this? Any tips?

Hang On A Sec

I feel the need to clarify my intentions and a few things about my last post. 

Apparently I came off like a controlling ogre who doesn't wanna share. 

I have an amazing relationship with my grandparents, and fantastic memories of holidays with them. And I want more than anything for Leah to have that. Particularly with Brian's parents because I doubt she'll be getting it from my side.

This isn't about cutting Brian's parents out of Leah's life. This is about reigning in a Mother-in-law who clearly sees raising her two sons as the best time of her life, and is ready for round three. And probably day dreams regularly about taking full custody of Leah. (I'm only half kidding)
But it's all out of love and I know that.

My in-laws live three blocks away. They are and will continue to be a HUGE part of ours and Leah's life. And not just because of proximity and the fact that they are my husbands parents, but because I love them and genuinely care for them and want them in my life. But I feel the need to set some boundaries so that my Mother-in-law understands this is her time to OBSERVE and NOT DO. She gets to be a part of and witness this beautiful little girl growing up, this isn't a do-over for her. Grandparents - not Parents

I hope that make sense. 

And if it doesn't, this is my blog and you can suck it. :D

(And one more thing to help make my point of view clear. If you have ever watched Bethanny Ever After, and seen the dynamics between her and Jason's family, you'd understand more of where I am coming from. Brian had the nuclear family and I had, well, kind of a mess...)

A New Holiday Regime?

All of this Easter drama has me thinking about the roles parents play and where holiday traditions with our parents merge with the new ones we hope to start with our little family. And how we're going to handle the holidays to come. 

Going forward, I don't really think Leah needs two Easter Baskets. 

If Brian's parents get her one, does that mean my dad should get her one too? 

She definitely doesn't need three Easter Baskets 
(or four if you count my "Around at her Convenience" mother) 

So now the question goes one step further, what about Christmas Stockings? 

I didn't get an Easter Basket or a Christmas Stocking from either of my Grandparents... 

And as far as I know, Santa only delivers your presents to the house you live in. 

Not Grammy and Pop-pop's. 

There are some tricky parts to this situation. 

Right now, we do stockings for the grownups on both sides of our family. 

Brian's folks do one for us, and my dad does one for us. And we do theirs.

Here's my argument against it from now on.

Number 1 - Neither of our parents need to be spending an extra $20-30 dollars on a Stocking at Christmas. If you count Brian and I and Leah, that's a pretty penny. And we don't need to blow money on scratcher lottery tickets and tiny bottles of booze for them either...

Number 2 - I don't want Leah to have lots of STUFF. A fair amount of toys and books, yes. But not to an excess. It's the principle behind it. She is the only grandchild on both sides of the family. She's already going to clean up for her Birthday and Christmas. I don't want her to get spoiled or think that this type of exorbitance is the norm.


Number 3 - Finally, I feel like this is our time. To be Santa and the Easter Bunny. Just Brian and I. They've had their time... 

 I haven't brought this up to Brian yet, and if he agrees with me, this is going to be a very VERY difficult conversation to have with my my in-laws. Especially because my Mother-in-Law already made a stocking for Leah. And my Grandmother-inlaw made one for Leah for here at the house... But what if I want to do my own little thing for Leah? Why should I be obligated to use these items? I feel like it's my turn to start new traditions. 
I want a set of stockings for the three of us that match, and are our style... 
So what now? 

So I ask all of you. Did you get Easter Baskets and Stockings from your Grandparents?

Easter Misgivings, and the Land of Firsts

Easter was never a huge deal in my family. Mostly, I suppose, because we're not remotely religious. Did we get together? Of course. Was the day heavy with food and drink? You betcha. My Dad used to give us Easter Bags. It was a crumpled brown paper bag filled with that cheesy plastic grass and an obscene amount of candy. I never cared that my Easter gift wasn't a pretty wooden basket lined with ribbon and lace. Because an Easter Bag was more of my dad's style. It was quirky and endearing. And he always included our favorite candy. It was thoughtful.


A few weeks ago my Mother-in-law and I were at a craft store picking out yarn for a blanket I'd asked her to make for Leah. The store was plastered with Easter decorations and baskets and bunnies. "Awwwwww, next year I'll get to make her an Easter Baskehhht!" I said, thinking of how Brian and I are now the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus. As Easter got closer I started to get more excited as I heard about my friends with older kids and all the plans they had. Dying eggs, filling baskets, hiding eggs and other goodies. I can't wait to dye eggs with her. But I'm a realist. My daughter is three and a half months old. So I didn't think an Easter basket would be necessary or appropriate this year. Not that I think it's dumb, it's just that it didn't make sense for me to run out and spend 20 bucks on a basket that really would have been for me. Not her... Still I smiled as I thought about next year and how she'll be able to hold it and walk with the basket that I made her.


So when we got to my in laws Sunday morning for brunch I felt a pang of anger when I saw an Easter Basket with Leah's name sitting on the fire place. Her first Easter Basket. I've made several comments to my mother-in-law that any firsts need to be run by us before they do anything. I assumed that they might do a little something, like a card and a stuffed animal or even a symbolic chocolate bunny. But no, it was a full fledged monogrammed basket with plastic grass and eggs filled with money and bibs and a hat. Now I get that my mother-in-law was excited about her grandbaby's first Easter. But she's gotten her firsts with her two sons. This is our time, with our daughter, and I'm so frustrated that she wouldn't have thought to ask us what our plans were. I spoke to her about it this morning. I thanked her for the gifts and her thoughtfulness, but explained how I wished she had talked to us first about it. And gently reiterated that ANY FIRSTS need to be approved by Brian and I. She started crying, because that's how she is. My intentions were not to hurt her feelings, but to set a clear boundary. And just as my intentions were pure, I know her's are as well. And that in a way, she's like a little puppydog who gets very excited and doesn't see the puddle of pee she's left on the floor.


Am I being a little hypersensitive? Probably. But I don't think I'm being unreasonable as long as I am honest about my expectations. I also have to ask myself if this would be as big a deal if I wasn't having so many territorial feelings. Maybe, maybe not. I think it really has a lot to do with how your perspective changes when you become a parent. And how much your own experiences influence the feelings you have towards the situations your child will encounter. Never in my life have the things my childhood lacked been more evident, than now as I think of everything I want to give my daughter. I don't blame anyone for what I didn't have. I was raised by a single parent, and my dad did the very best he could. I just have a very clear picture of what I want and don't want for her, and for the three of us as a family. I also think my having to go back to work against my preference plays a part. I'm happy and grateful that my mother-in-law is not only willing and able to watch Leah, but is also ecstatic about doing so. And I think if I didn't have to work and be away from Leah, I'd be more than happy and open to leaving her with my mother-in-law for a few hours a week. But that's just not case and all of this is harder than I thought it would be.

So I guess from now on I'm just going to be a lot more honest with my mother-in-law rather than reserved, as I have been.

In Which I Hyper-Focus On Me

Gah, I know it’s been a millennia since I updated here. Sorry about that, I’ve just been uber busy with my last few weeks before work started and now that I am back at work, I have even less time. So this post will consist of me yammering on about me. Although I guess that’s sort of what a personal blog is. But whatever. You’ve been warned.

Fat. Whether or not I lose the baby weight quickly is all on me. And so far I have to say; I don’t really care. I thought I would. But I don’t. Not yet anyway. I know I will hit a point where I am ready to shed the last remaining 15lbs that seem to be all in my belly. I don’t eat crap, because Leah can’t tolerate it. I was never really a fast food person, but the one time I did indulge it made her super gassy. No fun for baby = no fun for mama. I have also recently cut dairy out of my diet in order to determine if Leah has a milk protein allergy. If you’re not familiar, babies with milk protein allergies are not able to easily digest the protein in cow, sheep or goats milk that is consumed by its mother and passed on through  breast milk. Symptoms can be:

Gassiness
Fussiness,
Skin irritations like eczema
Respiratory difficulty like wheezing, coughing or congestion
Diarrhea (or excessive bowel movements),  
Vomiting (more than just spitting up)
Low weight gain.

Leah seems to have the eczema, and the gassiness, which seems to lead to the fussiness. So I’m about two weeks in to a diary free diet, I’ll go up to Thursday then have a glass of milk Friday morning and see if she has any reactions. I gotta say I miss my cheeses, but I might just ahve to get used to that. Breastfeeding is just too important to me.

Walking is tough since its been pretty cold and windy in my parts so I wouldn't be able to take Leah with me. But I know we only have  a few more weeks of crappy weather left. And even though I still have a stationary bike in my garage and my Jillian Michaels torture DVD, I umm, don’t really care. My weight has always yo-yo’d and I’m comfortable enough at this point. Plus I like what my midwife said, it took you nine months to get that way, give yourself at least nine months to get back.

Whatelse…Oh, I’m going bald. My hair seems to be falling out like Ron Paul supporters. I’ve heard it’s normal post pregnancy, but good lawd. I am cleaning out my hairbrush and shower drain on a daily basis. It’s starting to get a little scary. And gross.

Work. Originally I was going to come back to work full time, but in January decided I would do part time. Fortunately my company was on board with this. The deal  for bringing Leah to work was this: Full time = bringing her to work every day until it gets to be too difficult (she’s crawling all over or just requiring too much of my time).  Part time= bringing her in on just one of the three days that I work. The other two she is with my MIL at our house. The reason I can’t bring her every day as a part timer is because you don’t get much done when your baby is with you in the office, so in order to be somewhat useful I can only bring her one day. I realize that this is a unique situation and that I’m EXTREMELY lucky enough to have this option at all. Ultimately this is an ideal situation. I work 24 hours a week, I’m with her five days out of seven, and I get to keep my Full time Benefits. I should be happy with it. But I’m not. The truth is I HATE being away from her. And she HATES being away from me. Every time I call to check in my MIL tells me she is or has recently been crying. My MIL is quite capable, but Leah cries for most of the day while I’m not there. I do feel that it is important for Leah to have people she can be comfortable with, other than Brian and I. But not now. She’s so little. And her missing me is on a primal level. She NEEDS me. Her instincts are to be with her mother. It kills me thinking that she is so upset and that me being there would fix it. And that her distress is totally unnecessary.  And damnit it just feels like we worked so hard for this. I can’t imagine missing a second of time with her.

And now I’m crying.

I know in time Leah will get to know my MIL and be fine. And I do look forward to that. Actually I hope that day comes very soon. I just feel so overwhelmed by my need to be with her, and make sure she is okay that I ache when I can’t be there. We actually took a very serious look at me quitting my job fairly soon, but Health Insurance policies are so fucking expensive. And between the cost of the policy and the payments we are still making to my credit card from IVF debt, we just can’t swing it yet. So the plan is for the immediate future, to live like I am not bringing home a paycheck and put as much as we can in the bank and towards my credit card to get it paid off. I fucking hate having credit card debt. We managed to have no debt other than our house for so long, but infertility (and a dead car) squashed that. Could be six months, could be a year... Who knows.


 So with living on one income brings tremendous changes to the way we do things. Like, Cable. I’m cutting our cable bill in half by switching to a new company with a great New Customer Promotion (Cable companies cater new customers rather than rewarding longevity, bastards) We will be going from 400+ channels down to 33. I have to say I am going to miss the Bravo Channel like I would miss a kidney, but we gotta do it. Annnd it’s probably not going to hurt for me to watch a little less TV anyway. Groceries – I’m going to have to cut back on the organic products I prefer to buy to save a few bucks here and there. I’m going to check out the local Farmers markets to compare pricing on organic produce in hopes that we won’t have to go completely without. And I’ll be making a lot more items from scratch. Which I’m looking forward to and don’t mind one bit! We’ve already cut back on eating out, making the occasional pick up from a local taqueria our one treat. I’ve also started grocery shopping at Costco with a girlfriend. I never used to buy perishables from Bulk stores because we either couldn’t finish it before it went bad or didn’t have the room to freeze it. But now, my girlfriend and I are splitting a lot of things which is cheaper and neither of us has to worry about not eating it in time or where we’re going to put the left overs. Diapers - my bff was exteremly generous to give me a cloth diaper starter kit. But I've been working on getting through some disposables that we were given. After that, no more excuses. Gotta get those going!

So what have I learned from our new financial stragedy?  Being lazy costs money. So I need to get my ass in gear!

PEACE. 

Three Months

Dearest Leah,

This letter is the last one I'll have written while I'm at home full time with you. I go back to work next week and my stomach turns into a giant knot when I even think about what my first day away from you is going to be like. But I know you'll be fine with your Grandma. Sorry to make that all about me. Where was I? Right. You're awesome and every day is better than the last. 

Except when it comes to sleeping - you sort of suck at that. You break out of your swaddle on an almost hourly basis, but if I don't wrap you up like a little screaming burrito, you flail your arms in your sleep and wake yourself up. You even manage to break out of the so called magic sleepers that are like little fleece baby straight jackets. But at least your break out skills are not a reflection of my swaddling skills, cause dayum I can wrap that shit up TIGHT. Anyway, I recently purchased a book called The No-Cry Sleep Solution, and I'm hoping that it will reduce your night time wakings from three to four times a night down to fucking zero. And as soon as I get time to read that book, I'm going to implement the shit out of the author's suggestions - cause Momma's starting to forget more than her name and what day it is.  

You fart when you sneeze and holy crow does it make me cackle like a five year old every. single. time.  I know that sounds dumb, but gurrrrl can you toot loud. Gosh, you are just like your Daddy! Speaking of laughing, you giggled for the first time on March 10th. You looked right in my eyes as I smiled at you and you let out the slightest little laugh. It was amazing, and yes, I cried.

The Weeds. You grow like them. I can't believe how many of your pajama's with feets that I have had to retire already. There are a few of them that you only got to wear once or twice. I am really looking forward to your doctors appointment next month so I can see quantitatively how much you have grown, weight and length wise. (we don't have a *working* scale at the house).

The older you get the more I think about everything I want to give you. And I'm not talking about your first pair of Converse High Tops, or necklace from Tiffany. I want you to give you support and confidence. I want you to know how smart, and wonderful you are. And just how very, ridiculously much you are loved. I want to chaperon your field trips and embarrass you at Back-to School night. And I want to talk about anything and everything with you, so you never feel like you're alone, or stupid, or not good enough. (Unfortunately, I think puberty will sneak that crap in anyway) But I want to be your shoulder to cry on, your ride to the movies, and the person who teaches you how to make Baked Zitti and Apple Pies from scratch. I want to be there for you in every possible way a Mother should, for the rest of my life. Because you deserve that. 

Which makes me all the more excited to see what the next month will bring...

Love,

Momma

Ready Or Not

A little less than a month from now, I will be going back to work. 


And holy crap, I really don't want to.

Unfortunately, since it cost us so much to get pregnant and become parents. We have a fair amount of debt that needs to be paid off. On top of that my husband is a small business owner and we're not in the position to afford to pay for Health Insurance in addition to paying off that debt. So I'm really lucky that the company I work for provides kick ass health benefits. For all three of us. And that I have a job to go back to, period.


Being at home and taking care of our tiny, yet comfortable home makes me so incredibly happy. And being here every day with Leah brings me to a level of spiritual fulfillment that I can't even begin to describe. It feels like this is what I was meant to do. 


So each day that passes makes me dread going back to work more and more. BUT, fortunately that my company will let me start back part time. Three days a week. And I'll be bring Leah in with me on one of those days, every week. The other two days she will be with my mother-in-law. 


I'm grateful to my MIL for being generous enough with her time to offer to take care of our little girl two days a week. Though I know secretly she wishes it was five. Which makes my hackles go up a little bit. Overall I think I'm doing a little better with my territorial feelings, but they are most certainly not gone. I still kind of want to yank Leah away from her each time she holds her and talks baby talk to her. Yet I refrain. And every time she sees Leah, she calls her her little "Snookum Pie", which makes me throw up in my mouth a little. But then I think of the days that she's come to our house to visit with Leah, and I'm in awe to see a grandmother who loves her grandchild so very much that she will skip meals and bathroom breaks in order to avoid setting down the baby who has been sleeping on her shoulder for the last two hours. And I think, how lucky are we? How lucky is Leah, that she'll have a grandmother who will love her as much as mine loves me. (The same grandmother whom I made Leah's middle name sake) And then I feel like a complete asshole for not wanting to share. 


But I will continue to work on it. It might even be a good reason to get back into therapy for a session or two. Because I really can't put my finger on where this stems from. But it's not good, even if it is "normal". 


My other concern is how well I will manage my home life on top of working. I never felt like I could do either 100% well before. So how do I take care of my husband, daughter, home and work???


Any advice from you ladies on how to make it all work?

Two Months

Dearest Leah,

This past month has been pretty incredible with you. It feels like you and I are starting to get in more of a rhythm. I won't dare say I've started to figure you out, because on a regular basis, the moment I make a declarative statement in your regard you, without fail, prove me wrong. 

It's like like you're sixteen already.

In the beginning of this month (February 2nd to be exact), you made eye contact and smiled at me for the very first time. And it wasn't just gas. It was an actual response to my high pitched nonsensical rambling. And I never thought the day you were born could be out shined, but holy crow... That very moment when you looked into my eyes and smiled - it was like you knew who I was and you were happy to see me. 

And my heart just about imploded.

The third happiest occasion was when you and I both slept SEVEN hours straight without so much as a bathroom trip or my having to reach into your bassinet to turn your ocean noise machine back on. I seriously do not think I have slept seven hours straight since June of last year. 

PLEASE feel free to do that ANYTIME.

You have unfortunately developed a dermatalogical issue that both your dad and I have. Eczema. Sorry bout that. One day you were particularly cranky and wouldn't stop squirming and fussing, even thought I'd done almost everything to make you comfortable. I noticed that your eyebrows and in between your eyes had some bumpiness so on a whim I started to rub a little back and forth. You immediately stopped fussing and squirming and your eyes glazed over. You were itchy. You poor thing. I'd be pissed off too if I had an itch I couldn't scratch and couldn't tell anyone about it. That blows!

Since you were about three weeks old you've gone through this kind of witching hour between 5 and 10pm that made your dad and I want to jam forks into our temples. Okay, it's not as much me as it is your dad. The poor guy takes it pretty personally and swears it's a plot against him. But it seems like your are slowly growing out of it. Maybe having two or three good nights per week.

You've starting to get a little more comfortable with your car seat and the swings we have for you here at the house - which is FANTASTIC because now I can actually inhale a little breakfast before you start screaming to be fed again.

At your two month Doctor appointment we learned that you grew an inch and gained a pound! You're up to 9lbs, 14 oz and 23 inches long.  It's been crazy to see that you're already out of most of your newborn clothes. Taking them out of your drawers and packing them up already feels totally surreal. Unfortunately at your two month appointment you also got three shots, which resulted in a pretty cranky afternoon at home.

Other firsts during the last month, we took you to the beach near Mavericks in Half Moon Bay. A favorite spot of your Dad's and mine. We used to take your furry brother Parker there a lot until he injured his knee. 

You also had your first Superbowl. Not that either of your parents give a rats *ss about football. We usually wear our hockey jerseys to Superbowl parties just to make sure everyone else knows that too.  But your good friend Bella's mommy was kind enough to mark the occasion with a custom onesie which was pretty neat.

Sometimes while I'm staring at you or packing you up to go somewhere, I still can't believe you're ours. Almost to the point where I feel like when I walk in somewhere in public, I feel like people assume I'm your nanny. It's kind of bizzarre. And while having you in my arms makes me feel more like a woman than I ever have before, the Mom title still feels a little foreign. I'm a Mom. 

I'm YOUR Mom. And I love you SO fricken much.

Can't wait to see what next month brings!

Love,

momma