The Formula For Density

If you are in the process of switching to formula from Breast milk, I urge you with all sincerity, not to Google the word Infant Formula. Unless that is, you are looking to read stories about how many babies end up dead or in the hospital every year because of the careless parents who feed it to them.  I was simply trying to find best practices and tips for serving and dispensing formula to my daughter. It’s like Mr. Bloomberg is overriding google searches to advance his cause.

Anyway. I am following the conservative preparation advice published by the WHO. Whereby I boil the sin out of filtered tap water before mixing it with the formula. Then I prepare enough for one day, and store them in my Glass baby bottles. Which can be quickly warmed up in the radiation fueled microwave and transferred to a sippy, requiring minimal effort. In addition, Leah is on the Sensitive formula, which gets notoriously foamy when shaken. So I mix it with a fork, and it stays pretty flat. I also strain the first two bottles that I pour because I tend to find little chunks of the formula that either get stuck in the nipple or end up between Leah's only two teeth.

Also, in the three-ish weeks that Leah has been on formula, she has gained 1 pound, 3 ounces. Impressive for a baby whom falls into the long and lean category. She's gained weight steadily her whole life, but always been on the skinny side. I mentioned in my last post that she just went through a big growth spurt, which feels like more than a coincidence with the timing of when she started full time of formula. But I guess we'll never really know. 

So I still have a small stash of my frozen milk. I spent a little time contemplating whether or not I should donate it to a hospital, because opening it was just a reminder that it's the last of my milk that she'll ever have. And I didn't want to reintroduce it, now that she is fully transitioned over to full time formula. But then the idea of adding it to her food came to mind, and decided that would be the easiest (on my heart) way. So I make her oatmeal with it. I do half water and half breast milk into organic steel cut oats. It smells a little peculiar, but it tastes sweet. And she eats it right up! 

Only about 30 more ounces to go...Then it's really over. 

Ten Months!

Dearest Leah,

The last few weeks have been CAH-RA-ZY. You are an entirely different baby from last month, 
I hardly know where to begin! My baby girl is TEN months now!

Still can't get you to sit for this photo...

Allow me to begin with your most accomplished new act; Pulling yourself up! The first time I saw it was on your monitor when you pulled yourself up in your crib! Needless to say we lowered the mattress that very day. And every day since then you try your best to pull yourself up using the couch, the ottoman, a chair, my leg, and even daddy’s chest hair! That one is secretly my favorite. Maybe not so secret anymore… In our living room we don’t have a coffee table, but a padded leather ottoman. You spend the bulk of your day in between that and the couch. As though flapping your arms, slapping the ottoman with your palms and banging the remotes together was your job. 
And you take it very seriously!

Doing business with a friend

You’ve started babbling with consonants, making a Fuh, and Kuh sound. Though, not together. 

You’re not exactly like your momma.

Please ignore my sideburns, it's regrowth from my post-partum hair loss

Mimic! You've started to mimic your dad and I when we stick our tongue out at you. You push your tongue out of your mouth and then immediately feel for it, seeming surprised when it slips back in your mouth. Ahhhdorable.

I'm Your Huckleberry

(Doc Holiday?)

(No?)

(mmmkay)

This is your first fall . And as everyone around me knows, I LOVE FALL. (I'm so unique!) We haven’t been able to go to as many Fall functions as I would have liked this year, but we‘ll have many more years to make up for it. Which will be great because you’ll then, of course, have some idea as to what we are doing anyway. You hit a pretty big growth spurt and were napping more than four hours per day for close to two weeks! And since you also sleep 12-13 hours at night, it wasn't leaving us much time during the day. And yes, I continue to be profoundly grateful to the universe that you are such an awesome sleeper. At least we managed to make it out to Half Moon Bay for pumpkins! 

Pumpkin Perfection. 

I constantly have to remind myself that you will only be this tiny once, because it's so hard not to day dream about all the super fun stuff we'll be able to do with you when you are a bit older.  I constantly wonder how your voice will sound once you are speaking in complete sentences, and how you will inevitably humiliate me in public by regurgitating something your dad or I have said in front of you unintentionally. Mortified and shame-filled I'll do my best to demonstrate how to slink out of a public space unnoticed.  Oh the places we'll go. And leave, disgracefully. 

Can't wait to see what the next month brings.

Love,

Momma

. 

Loud and Clear

I think my body is getting the message. I've been able to make it at least 48 hours in between pumping. Only getting between two and four ounces. I'm going to wean my body instead of stopping cold turkey and resorting to making coleslaw in my bra.

The rest of my body is catching on as well. I've noticed some...differences...in my nether regions. Either my lady parts are aiming to catch up for 8 1/2 months of missed periods (I haven't had any bleeding since postpartum), I'm going to ovulate a Grade A Cage Free Brown Egg, orrrrr - the Whore-Bag is back.  I've had all sorts of pinchy heaviness going on down there for several days. It's starting to get pretty uncomfortable.  I may even go see my Gyno or Acupuncturist. On top of that, I've had an outbreak of eczema, a reoccurrence of hemorrhoids, and a bout of insomnia.

I have an IRL friend who has Ovulatory PCOS as well and after her son was born; ended up with classic PCOS - irregular periods accompanied with regular cysts. Sounds terrific. She ended up having to go on Birth Control to temper the cysts. NOT what I want at all.

The next obstacle is MY ASS. It's umm...Well, it's huge right now.  I have only lost about 15 of the 35ish that I gained during my pregnancy. That 15 came off within a week of coming home, and after that nothing. Breastfeeding didn't do SHIT for weight loss up in here. 

But I also haven't been exercising or even remotely conservative with my diet. Not that I'm eating Junk Food - Leah didn't react well to fried foods, and by policy I try to stay away from a lot of processed stuff and products that contain MSG. I know how to lose weight. I've done it before. Just need to get back on it. Can you feel the motivation behind my words? 

Me neither. 

A Moveable Feast

I think it's over.

She went the entire day today on just formula.

And did great.

Per a friends recommendation I switched her from the Soy Based formula over to a Dairy Based Sensitive formula. Truthfully the soy based was HORRIBLE. Over two weeks I had worked my way up from cutting it with a 1/2 teaspoon of formula to cutting it 50/50 with my pumped milk, and the few times I tried to give her straight formula she flat out refused it.  So I started the new stuff at 50/50,  and within four days was able to give it to her straight. I tried this one too and it's a vast improvement over the soy. Like a thin room temperature milkshake, really. At first I worried about the sugar content, but in all honesty it's probably not much different in sweetness to the way my milk tastes. Well, tasted.

I have gradually reduced the amount that I am pumping. Down from four times a day, to two. And at some point this week it will be one...

And then none.

While I feel at peace with my decision to switch; there was really no way I could continue with trying to nurse her, or be shackled to a pump four times a day. I can't help but mourn the loss of my physical connection to Leah. From egg, to embryo, to fetus, then a baby in my arms, and milk in my breasts. I've been lucky to have this amazing connection with her, but in a way it now it feels like it's being severed. It was a sacred bond that we had, just me and her. And selfishly, I loved that it was something else no one else could do.

And I know I'm trading this one little thing for a much different kind of bond. It's pretty fricken cool to see her want me. She actually knows how to express that she wants ME to hold her. But I just wasn't prepared to let it go so soon. So I'm dealing with it the way I know best, by eating my feelings. My glorious dairy filled feelings. 

Oh, how I missed you, cheese. Brie will always be there for me...

I Still Don't Get It...

We battled for almost five years before we received the greatest gift we could ever hope for. Our daughter.

I know the depths of the IF battlefield so well that it still knocks the wind out of me when I think about my darkest days. 

It haunts me. 

I am afraid of who I was. 

Terrified that it will find me again. 

The anguish. The sorrow. Consumed on a daily basis by the fear of the unknown. It's crippling. Still.

When I see my dear friends, in the blogosphere and in real life suffering; consumed, paralyzed by loss. By failure. It crushes me.

Especially now that I know the joy, the unbelievable gift of a child. It kills me that much more to think of my friends who have been denied the experience. Who have suffered losses. 

I want it so very much for them. 

Why can't children come from wishes?

Nine Months

Dearest Leah,

NINE MONTHS. NINE! I know I say it all the time, but holy crow I can’t believe it! This past month has been so much fun.  You are hilarious. Your level of awareness and curiosity has skyrocketed and I am currently preparing your application for MENSA.

 You were a little less than cooperative with our 

wanting to take your monthly picture

 No sweet potatoes?! I'm outta here.

So we took what we could get...

You can army crawl with the best of them. I laugh because it sort of looks like you are swimming as you swing your arm out and reach, while pushing yourself forward with your foot. And when you make it to the hardwood floor, you can really scoot with the rubber tread on the bottom of your socks!

You have become a stellar eater in your high chair, though not so much with the nursing, as previously discussed. You still love sweet potatoes the best, but there hasn’t been anything you have refused.  Except maybe bananas. Otherwise you’ll eat carrots, oatmeal, blueberries, green beans, avocado, rice pasta, and zucchini, with gusto! Next on the list: Ground turkey, Broccoli, Peas, and plums! What cracks me up the most is how you 'talk' while you eat. You sound like a little mogwai, munching and babbling... It just kills me. So I just pretend like we are carrying on an actual conversation... 

You are more fascinated with the random objects around the house than the plethora of toys you have at your disposal. What I should have invested more in is your socks, because you are always holding at least one. Tupperware, which you love banging together. And shoes, because you always make a B-line for them. Gross.

 Reaching for the camera lens.

I honestly can't begin to explain how much joy you bring your dad and me. I wake up thrilled to jump out of bed to scoop you up and start our day. I love you so ridiculously much.

Can't wait to see what the next month brings...

Love,

Momma

The Taste of Betrayal

I spent the larger part of the last week torturing myself over whether or not to continue breastfeeding Leah. Though it may not appear so, your comments and suggestions were all of great comfort. They were abiding and validating, everything I am use to from this ALI community. 

Wednesday afternoon during my bi-weekly trip to Target, (it's a problem, really) I reluctantly picked up a can of Soy Based Formula for my lactose intolerant daughter. I bought it on the premise that it would be for an absolute emergency. In case both my freezer stash and actual supply had completely diminished. Later that night I came to the conclusion that I might possibly just use the formula to supplement, but still primarily nurse and pump as much as humanly possible. Though as I came to appreciate my new revelation I realized my physical supply had taken a huge hit. While allowing my nipples to recover I had been using up my bountiful freezer supply and been lazy about pumping. In my defense it was just that I didn't make enough time for it, not that I hahazardly chose not to.

So on Friday when Leah's first nap of the day rolled around, I pulled the can of formula from the cabinet and made her the first bottle. I scooped her up off the floor and carried her into her room to give her the bottle I had so lovingly made with warm tap water. She whined and reached for it as I got us both into the optimal position for a relaxed feeding. When I finally offered her the sippy cup shed squealed and popped it in her mouth. She took one big gulp, and mid-swallow ripped the cup from her mouth with a look of distress and confusion. And then betrayal. That wasn't my milk. It was the taste of betrayal. She dropped the cup and let a big portion of the milk already in her mouth drool out on to her onesie. I grabbed the cup and offered it to her again, but she pushed it away. I tried three more times this weekend, but she would have nothing to do with it. I even mixed it with my milk and she wouldn't hear of it. 

All this time I agonized and fretted over whether or not to make this transition, and I didn't even consider the fact that she would't like it. And I don't blame her. I tried it. It was terrible. 

Oh, the irony....

I spent this weekend feverishly working to increase my supply. Pumping every three to four hours. Drinking that awful Tea (Which has worked well for me before), and eating Oatmeal regularly. I have to say at this point spending every spare moment pumping, is no way to live. I would have to dedicate about two hours per day. And now that Leah is so active, I can't imagine another three months of of pumping two hours per day. 

I'm going to try to add small increments of formula into her bottles with my milk from now on and hopefully be able to transition over to formula completely... I still can't believe I'm saying that. But the bottom line is, I would rather be spending time with her on the floor, than confining her to her crib so I can have 30 minutes to pump three times a day. My tata's have healed up well, but her troublesome actions while nursing are still a constant. The bites hurt just a little less sans blisters. I noticed too that I still get that special time with her while she's taking a bottle, because I make it that way purposely. I go to a quiet area, and stroke her hair while we stare into each other's eyes. The main difference is that I can relax and smile at her instead of holding my breath while I wait for a bite, or struggle against her while she tries pulling away... I guess I have my answer. 

It's Not You, It's Me.

And just like in real life breakup's, that means it's actually you. 

Meaning Leah. 

Still with me? 

K. 

Every time I start to think about researching which formula to start her on, I feel like I'm breaking up with her. I get this heaviness in my chest reminiscent of my late-teen dating era. And then I suddenly remember what having my nipple slammed in a drawer feels like. Except the drawer has two teeny tiny razor sharp baby teeth and a cute hiney. But still, I go back and forth. The day that I published my last post was the day after a really bad nursing day. And then miraculously the day I posted it was almost perfect. Like old times. Wanna know what I did differently? Not a damn thing. Then yesterday was horrible again. Horrible. Bitten every single session. I swear by the skin left on my right nipple that I watched her every move. And there is no way I could have prevented any of them. otherwiseIfuckingwouldhave,right?!. Most were caused by distractions that I had no control over, nor did I see coming. The only sessions that seem to go smoothly are in the morning. Because she is half asleep and starving.

Last night I slept terribly. I was haunted by dreams of formula. There were apparently three cans of formula in Leah's closet, and I HAD to choose the right one. But I couldn't get in there because she was asleep. But I had to choose one already. But she was asleep. And then it was 5 am and I was wide awake.... 

Please understand my trepidation with Formula is not entirely about her health, or possible nutritional variances. I know she will be just fine with formula. This is not about milk. It's about nursing. I loved nursing her and I am grateful to have been able to do it at all. Because I personally know several women who weren't able to for various reasons - inadequate supply, severely inverted nipples, medication. Believe it or not, I have a friend who was on a walk with her husband and her two month old, and she was attacked by a raccoon. (around dusk) Then had to get a rabies shot, which meant no more nursing... Crazy right?  

Every time I think I have made peace with one direction or the other, something changes my mind. Nursing her first thing in the morning goes smoothly, and I think: Well maybe I can just nurse in the morning and pump the rest of the time. Then I think, damn pumping takes up a lot of time and I have no qualms with paying for convenience not to mention pain free nipples. And I have to be honest there are a few selfish reasons floating in the back of my head. One, I could eat dairy again. GOD I MISS DAIRY. Two, I could go back to my REAL bra's. Since Junior High I have bounced between a 34DD,and a 36F. So nursing bra's fundamentally lack the fortitude - if you will - to keep my girls up where they should be. I am really looking forward to getting them into my Le Mystere's and back into the correct Hemisphere. And for the record, breastfeeding didn't wreck them. Being a 34DD before the age of 16 did. Perky went buh-bye a LONG time ago. I digress. 

Then switching to formula means money I didn't count on spending (though we can afford it), and also? I'll start getting my period... I haven't had anything since postpartum. 

Anyhoo, I want to thank all of you for your wonderful comments. And especially the wonderful ladies over at PAIL for featuring my post and sending extra support my way. It was super validating to hear your stories, and to remind me that I have to let go of the guilt. HAVE TO. Really, your comments meant a lot, and I hope to get over to your blogs soon!

To Be Continued....

A Tale of Two Tata's

I'm starting to rethink how long I will Breastfeed Leah. Which simultaneously makes me want to jump off a bridge. Because I feel like a quitter and a failure. While I know that’s technically not true I can’t help but reflect on how significantly being able to physically provide milk for my daughter effects my sense of self-worth. It's hard to quantify the amount of pride I feel from filling a little storage bag to the brim with wholesome milk that I know is for her.  I look upon my stash of frozen bags of milk as though they were bars of gold. Not to mention how very much I love snuggling and being so close to her. Watching her suckle while her eyes slowly close.  It makes me fall more and more in love with her.

Last weekend I met with a Lactation Consultant for the blister on my right nipple that just wouldn’t heal. Not only was there pain from the blister, but it started to hurt even when I wasn’t nursing. It was sore and throbbing, and would stay hard all the time. And it was so very painful. Then I started to suspect suspect thrush. And it got to the point where I was pumping every feeding instead of just nursing her. 

The lactation consultant was very helpful, she watched Leah nurse and immediately saw the problem. Aside from Leah being incredibly easily distracted (which is very common at this age), she's been doing this thing where she pulls her neck back then pushes against me with her hands and legs at the same time. Which results in a shallow latch. Which causes in a blister. Which leads to a clogged duct. And this has been going on WEEKLY since she was about six months. So for the last three months straight I have been dealing with blisters that would develop only days after the last one healed. And now? Well now she has teeth. And I've been bitten several times. I've read up on how to handle biting, but it's hard to react in a controlled manner when you're caught off guard and then bitten on an already very tender spot. This is the suggestion: "If baby bites, it can be very effective to calmly remove baby from the breast and say nothing (or perhaps make a calm comment like “oh? don’t want to nurse right now?”), then end the nursing session for a bit."  Umm, my reaction is no where near as graceful. It's typically a yelp or gasp and it takes everything I have to remember not to pull away without breaking her latch first. There are behaviors to look for that typically happen before a bite, and sweet Jesus, can I tell you I look for them. But it happens anyway. Usually before my letdown when she seems vaguely annoyed by how much more work nursing is compared to how easy the flow is with her sippy cup. She can pound five ounces of milk from her sippy cup in like two and a half minutes... 

The lactation consultant gave me similar advice for bitting but said the pushing away is a lot harder to break, and isn't always something that can be corrected.  I love nursing her so much, and had truthfully planned to nurse until about 18 months. But it's just so fricken painful and pumping all the time is exhausting. And inconvenient. 

I was able to get a prescription for APNO, which is All Purpose Nipple Ointment. It has components that help heal wounds, and an anti-fungal to help prevent yeast issues (thrush). Because when you have a wound you are much more susceptible to thrush, especially when you are wearing a bra all day and even one at night - warm, dark, moist places and all. The APNO has made a huge difference, and while I am not completely healed, I am MUCH more comfortable. And I am nursing her again, but also pumping. Though my supply has dropped a bit.  I'm just feeling so conflicted. Because I want to keep nursing, so much. I really do love it. But the physical pain and frustration of her behaviors just feel like they are becoming too much to bear. And I don't want to be frustrated with her... And I have to wonder if my want for this connection (which isn't really there much anymore) is truly only torturing us both.  

Man, I did not see this coming. 

Eight Months

Dearest Leah,

You are now eight whole months and I can hardly believe it! This past month has been really great, and it feels like you are really starting to turn into a little person.

We’ll start with my favorite thing – food! You are no long suspicious of sweet potatoes, but instead happily grab at the pieces in front of you. Sweet Potatoes are your favorite, but you also love Avocado. The other foods you eat regularly are carrots, pears, and a small amount of banana. You recently tried zucchini and loved it but you got a little rash on your face and neck, so we may have to hold off on that and revisit later. I’m not entirely sure that is was from the zucchini, but it went away after the first day that I stopped feeding it to you so… I've been lagging a little bit on introducing new things but I have put a list together and next few things to try are: Rice Pasta, Oatmeal, tofu, (smashed) blueberries and green beans!

Your newest mode of transportation is rolling. You roll EVERYWHERE, and it’s quite adorable. And startling when I leave the room for a millisecond and don’t immediately see your little body wiggling upon my return. But you are more often than not under the ottoman, pounding your little fists on the padded siding.

As promised we got you into a swim class, and while I can’t say that you love it, you seem to tolerate it. You splash about, and do well with submersions, and haven’t shed a tiny tear once! Every exercise is focused around a song, and I think you really enjoy all of the singing. The other fun reward is that it leaves you EXHAUSTED. I have just enough time to get you home changed and fed before you fall completely apart, then you sleep for two and a half hours straight. Which means Momma gets to catch up on horrible television shows chores, and preparing dinner! 

You continue to grow and thrive and your Dad and I could not possibly be more grateful to witness it. Your smiling face makes my heart sing and fall more and more in love with you each day.

Can't wait to see what the next month brings!

Love,

Momma

Look Away, I'm Hideous

I know my last post on the status of my feelings about my MIL was all jokey, jokey (hence the title, which by the way was directed at Leah. Like marking my territory), but I have really been struggling with my feelings. There is very little I would compare to the tragedy and heartache of infertility, but I see a likeness in my emotions in this particular situation. Resentment. I think I’m a little bitter about the time that I am away from Leah (which I know is miniscule compared to others).  Feeling bad about feeling bad. Frustration that even though I know my feelings are not fair per se, I can’t seem to help myself. The other part is feeling over protective, and helpless when Leah is not in my presence.  I wanted to say when Leah is not under my control, but it sounded a little too Mommy Dearest, and I am quite certain that she already has enough ammo to use this blog against me.

I pay very close attention to my unreasonableness in regards to my MIL. It weighs on me heavily. It makes me feel like a bad person. Especially because I know how much joy she gets from the time she is with Leah. And I love that. I want her to love the time she spends with her; I wouldn’t have it any other way. But when she says things like “ I know this time is special because you are a new mom, but it’s nothing compared to being a grandmother.” Sounds relatively harmless I'm sure, but try taking it from the perspective of a new mom who struggled for years to become one, and whom is currently waging an internal battle of the ‘does not play well with others’ variety. And by “others”, I only mean my MIL. Keep in mind, after years of trying not to fall apart in public during many a pregnancy announcement; I’ve evolved into a pretty decent actress. So I’m sure my MIL has no idea about the way I’m feeling. And I don’t feel like telling her would help. I did at one point try. I explained that even though it was exciting for her, it was really, REALLY hard for me to be away from Leah. But I think her eyes had already glazed over with Grandma time.

So I’m going to continue to try to sort things out here. I’ll finish this post by illegitimately bitching about the fact that my MIL has had some sort of errand to run every single day since she got the carseat base. I viewed it more as an  "in case" basis. And I know it shouldn’t be a big deal that she is proudly and happily bouncing around town with Leah in the back of her Durango. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I KNOW. But all I can think is how I would never forgive her if something (God forbid) happened. And also, she is MINE. Two more examples of why I’m an asshole. Good times. 

Headline: Lazy Whore Needs Meal Planning Tips

I love cooking. But while I was pregnant I was completely appalled by most foods with the exception of plain (I'm talking straight out of the colander - still draining in the sink) pasta and half gallon tubs of organic lemon yogurt. I lost my passion for food. By the time I got my appetite back I was too pregnant to cook anything exotic or time consuming. Then I had a newborn and used my spare time to shower and not smell/dress like a hobo. 

So now that things are becoming a little more routine with Leah, I want to start a menu plan. Cooking a few things on Sunday that can be rewarmed or thrown together on a different night during the week. Particularly for the days that I have to work. I've looked at a few 30 minute meal plans, but I'm just feeling uninspired. 

The other problem aside from being a lazy whore, is that I'm fat. And need to get my shit back into shape. I bought running shoes on an insomnia driven whim like 10 days ago (#ImmaAmazonJunkie) and have yet to so much as try them on. I bought new sports bras too. No more excuses! Actually I can think of several. 

I know that I need to lose weight. I have done it before and know the in's and outs of it well. I know that a better menu and more exercise will make all the difference, give me more energy to plan menu's and not groan every time I have to get up from picking up Leah off the floor, blah blah blah. If only it didn't require so much effort.

Any chance you'd be willing to share your tips with someone who is too lazy to construct of plan of her own? Recipes are welcome!

You're da Best! 

Maybe I Should Just Pee On Her And Get It Over With...

If you have been reading this blog for any concentrated amount of time, you will know that I am terrible about following up with "catastrophe's" that I post about. So here I am to relieve you from your debilitating state of suspense or otherwise baited breath.

My Mama-Bear issues are still omnipresent. (Unbelievable! Said No One.) I did however, go see my therapist about it. The good news? All of my feelings are "Completely Normal!". She praised me for being able to acknowledge the fact that my feelings, though reasonable, "were not exactly rational or fair". But I FEEL as though the blister on my left nipple would know the difference. Still we talked a lot about what my goals are for achieving harmony, and the fact that my feelings probably won't be going anywhere fast. This is not something that can necessarily be solved, but more like feelings that will fade when I'm dead in time. What's important is taking time to think about how I will approach her regarding any given matter and keeping in mind my mama bear mentality before I react.  Like when she asked me for the extra base for the carseat so she could "Go show her friends". Fortunately this conversation took place over the phone so she could not see the raging hellfire blazing from my corneas. I realize it's not as though she asked to take Leah away for the weekend to go to Disneyland for the first time, and I cordially obliged after privately fuming about it. But I will admit I was a little edgy all day just thinking about it. And last week when my neighbor told me the entire block can hear Leah screaming on the days I am at work, I did not immediately tender my resignation or change our locks. Mostly because I was pretty much already aware that this was happening because my normally very chatty MIL is always sitting on the front porch with a red eyed, pink cheeked from wailing, but ultimately exasperated and just sniffling Leah, ready to hand her over and get the hell out of there the moment my car pulls in the driveway... I know there is absolutely nothing malicious or unsafe going on, I just think my MIL is not great about identifying sleep signals and then Leah gets over tired and turns into a raving lunatic. Understandably so.

I'm also pretty darn proud of myself for keeping my cool when my MIL asked if they could get Leah's first Halloween Costume. Supposedly my FIL's idea. P'sha Right. I calmly smiled and said "I'm sorry, no. That's really sweet, and I think it's adorable that "he's" so excited, but the first Halloween Costume is a biggie". And then I refrained from explaining that she should pretty much forget about asking for any "firsts". Not in a Mamabear way - but in a "that's our long awaited not to mention FIRST and possibly only child, and that pretty much guarantees us any and every firsts. Foreverandeveramen."

Which prompts me to think about the holidays. You may remember my rant about my MIL giving Leah her first Easter Basket. Well, my main concern now is the Christmas stocking my MIL has already made for her. (Another first that she unintentionally hijacked.) Brian and I are on the same page as far as Leah not getting two Stockings. The first reason being BECAUSE SHE IS OUR DAUGHTER. WE are Santa, not grammie and poppop. Number two, and what I'm going to tell people is the first reason most importantly, we don't want Leah to have a lot of stuff. I kept wondering how we could possibly bring that up without making it sound like we were inferring that she would only buy crap. Fortunately she kind of beat me to the punch and inadvertently gave me a great reason. She mentioned something along the lines of wanting to give Leah a gift towards her college fund. BINGO. Another completely valid reason is that they really can't afford it. Well, they shouldn't afford it. Leah will be well taken care of in the present department. Being that she is the only grandchild, niece and baby period on both sides of the family. (We're the oldest.)

So there you have it. While I lack the ability to be a fundamentally good person, I at least have the knowledge and good sense to keep my mouth shut about it to the people it effects. And only over-share my feelings with complete strangers. You're welcome!

Shaking My Fists At The Universe...

Please head over to Egghunt's blog. She just got a tremendous bitchslap from infertility.

They were headed out here to the US in two weeks for their donor cycle and just found out their donor got pregnant, WHILE on birth control, with her FOURTH child.

Son of a bitch....

I'm Pretty Sure I'm Going To Die

Falling down the stairs
Getting T-Boned in an intersection
An undetected aneurism
A random shooting
Being in the wrong place at the wrong time

Never in my life have I thought so much about death, than since I the day I came home with Leah. And never in my life have I been so absolutely terrified of it. 

I know this must sound insane, but I think about it more often than I care to admit. It's not like I lay in bed fretting over it, but it involuntarily pops into my head mid action of me taking the laundry down to the garage : "what if I tripped and fell down the stairs and broke my neck right now"... audible gasp and chills immediately follow. 

I can't even think about the possibility of leaving Brian and Leah. She would grow up watching Moonshiners and Pawn Stars and thinking it's normal.

Feeding Fiasco's

So far Leah is a little less than keen on solid foods. I've tried several times to offer her carrots or bananas or sweet potato, and she is not amused. She picks it up and squishes it in her hands and then drops it. Either on the floor, or in her lap, or in a crevice that I cannot possibly get to without disassembling her highchair. I also bought those Fresh Food Feeders, and the only time she was interested was on a really hot day while she was teething. But I totally love the concept of them, and just want her to comply dammit!


I forgot to follow up here on it, but she is doing really well with the sippy cup while my MIL is with her. Some days she still isn't eating as much as she should, but she does so well with feeding herself and it's still more milk than she was drinking while refusing the bottles, so I call it a win. 


Nursing however is getting a little more difficult. She is SO alert now that she gets distracted very easily and turns her head away from me with my nipple still in her mouth. Which sucks even MORE when I have a blister on said nipple. I literally have to bite my lip in order to not cry out in pain. It's hard to get mad though when she smashes my nipple in between her gums because she's smiling at me. That is almost unbearably cute. She is also doing this new thing where she puts one hand against my boob, while arching her back and pulling her face away from me all while (Let's say it together, class) ALL WHILE MY NIPPLE IS STILL IN HER MOUTH. I'm afraid one of these days I'll open my nursing bra to find that my nipples have absconded to the nearest American Consulate or La Leche League meeting place for salvation. Poor little things are taking a beating...


I keep telling myself to be patient, and that she will come around to eating food more regularly and easily. Maybe it's just because I am such an overachiever with eating that I wanted a child after my own heart. When really I should just keep trying and not worry, and also probably start Weig.ht Watc.hers again very, very soon. 


Any tips out there, Moms?

Seven Months

Dearest Leah,

This past month has brought mammoth change and acceleration to your abilities, and obviously a lot of firsts. You’re sort of eating food and drinking like a champ from a sippy cup, which is remarkably exciting to see but it makes me sad and feeling like you’re two shakes from telling me about the great apartment you found and the tattoo you’ve been hiding for the last few weeks. It’s hard not to feel like time is running away with you already.

Let’s start with your hands. You have suddenly discovered your hands and will spend several minutes flipping them palm up, palm down, palm up, palm down, while staring intently. Your thumb has become an integral role in self-soothing and an aide in your falling asleep. But the cutest part is that you HAVE TO have some piece of fabric in your little hand to hold up close to your face while you suck your thumb. So when I swaddle you I pull a portion of the blanket up to your face before I wrap the rest around your body. Man, I love that.

You, my love, are also a ROCK STAR when it comes to sleep. It’s easy to tell when you are getting tired, you start to whine just a smidge and I immediately scoop you up, wrap you in your swaddle – both arms out now that you are rolling over in your sleep – and then set you in the bed with your sound machine. You cry for half a second then grab your blankey and your thumb and roll right over. I feel like a jerk telling people about this, because I know plenty of moms who are pleading with the universe to get their babies to just sleep for a six hour stretch. And you sleep about an average of 12 hours STRAIGHT each night. I think it helps also that I got you some darker curtains, and a blackout shade for the side that faces East. And also, they’re purple; which serves as the first gender specific item I have bought for your room.  (Everything was neutral since we didn’t know if you were a boy or a girl before you were born)

Swimming. You went swimming for the first time this month and you did so great. You seemed a little suspicious of the water at first, but then again you seem suspicious of a lot of things. New people, your reflection, sweet potatoes... As we waded along together in the pool, you just seem mostly content. And I couldn't help but smile ear to ear about it. Your dad and I decided to splurge a bit and enroll in weekly Parent & Me swim classes. They start next month and I am SO excited!

Food stuff is not going as well as I'd hoped and warrants a post of it's own in the coming future. But I know you'll get better about it. Eventually. 

I think you're starting to figure out that crying gets you stuff. And whining will at the very least get my attention. That feels like a one way street to attachment parenting, whether I like it or not. Good thing I do. When you're tired or teething or not just feeling well you turn into my very own little barnacle and go with me EVERYWHERE in the house. And you hate it when I sit down. I have to be walking around  holding you. It's like you already know how lazy I am, and your dad has bribed you into keeping me busy all the time. I wish my back wasn't so lame, because I would do it much more willingly. But the stabby pains unfortunately overrule even you. 

So my love, things are pretty much fantastic with you. And I am loving every single second of parenthood. Every day with you is more amazing than I ever could have imagined. Thank you for that. 

Can't wait to see what the next month brings.

Love,

Momma

TRIUMPH!

I know it's early, but I think I may have found a solution to Leah's bottle defiance.


Allow me to introduce: 

The Sippy Cup.

Let me start with a little background. As you may know, I have not yet started Leah on solids. Dr. Pediatrician (Leah's Pediatrician, further known as Dr. P) recommends that she be able to sit up a little better on her own before we start anything. I have mentioned before that Leah is long and lean, which makes balancing pretty tricky for her. I am also in the midst of researching the Baby Led Weaning method for feeding. It's a british concept, and their definition of weaning is different than the american definition. The British term means " to add complimentary food". "Baby Led Weaning, quite simply, means letting your child feed themselves from the very start..." 


My understanding of the concept is to skip puree's and spoon feeding and start your baby on pieces of very soft foods that they can feed to themselves i.e. slice of cooked sweet potato, slice of avocado. I believe it stems from the fact that they used to feed babies rice cereal and purees at a much earlier age. Before babies have the natural inclination to put things - anything into their mouth. So spoon feeding was absolutely necessary. I will say that Leah has been putting EVERYTHING in her mouth for about the last month and a half. And an interesting little tidbit; she stopped taking her bottle and pacifiers about a week after she discovered her thumb.

Exhibit A

A couple of the pro's to the BLW method is that it helps baby develop their motor skills, they eat with the family because they can feed themselves; no else has to feed them. Which helps to avoid the food wars that can evolve from Mom and Dad being in control. Baby eats however much or little he or she wants. Breast milk and/or formula will still be their main source of nutrition. Check it out, it seems pretty neat. I had heard of it before, but reading Josey's experience peaked my interest. 


To tie that all together I started to wonder with the BLW concept, if Leah might just do better feeding herself milk. We tried different bottles, and different nipples, and different positions, and different milk temperatures, but none of that worked.We use the glass bottles, so I knew that was kind of out of the question. I started researching sippy cups for beginners. I really prefer the concept of glass or stainless steel, but the only stainless steel sippy's they had for beginners, did not get great reviews.


So I sat down on the floor with my legs open, and put her in between sitting the same way, but allowing her to lean on me for support. I put the sippy in front of her and let her decide what to do. She immediately picked it up and put the mouth piece in her mouth. Now, it was still completely level so she wasn't getting any milk. She just sat there and gnawed on it a little bit. I gave her a few minutes then I slowly guided the cup up in the air to help her get a little milk. It caught her a bit off guard the first time and she coughed a little, but she got it right away after that. The flow is super slow and requires suction or pressure on the mouthpiece to get any out, so I feel very comfortable giving to her to handle. 

I would basically let her explore it and do it her self with just the tiniest direction. 

And within ten minutes of the second day with the cup she was like JLO rockin the mic one handed. 

And after that she was all: What are you still doing here? I got this, fool! 
(Please excuse my pastey, pastey white legs)

So the test will be tomorrow, when she is home with my MIL. Hopefully she can maintain and hone this new skill. And finally get back to eating while I'm at work. Oh, and I think I'm going to start her on Sweet Potatoes this weekend. Woo hoo!