Dear Diary: I'm Still Not Pregnant

If you've read more than one of my posts you 'd know that I truly have run the full gamut of emotions. I'm fine, I'm a mess, I'm confident, I'm spiteful, desperate, cynical, hopeful; you were there, you get the point.

I think even before we started trying something inside told me this would not go easily for me. Hence being so adamant about not telling anyone we were trying to begin with. In the last few months I have began to seek more and more solace from various sites on the Internet; blogs, chat rooms, support groups and articles about infertility. All of which have only solidified the one thing I somehow knew in the back of my mind: That not only was my journey going to be more difficult than most, but longer too. To the right of the of the page you will see a few different websites that I highly recommend. The blogs and articles are written by some of the most amazing women. They are warriors. Their stories make my little play seem so petty and insignificant. My favorite of them all is a blog entitled Maybe If You Just Relax by Jen Knepper. This post specifically is my favorite. She is extremely honest, poignant and above all hilarious and I am eternally grateful I fell upon her blog. So grateful in fact that I sent her a little email... And she was gracious enough to write back.

From: Melissa Griffin

Subject: Thank you

To: Jennifer Knepper

Thursday, September 18, 2008, 6:06 PM

Hi Jen,

I just recently found your blog on Redbook, which lead be to Maybe If You Just Relax. I am so glad I found your site but wish that I had found it sooner. Like during the 6 months I thought about having myself committed. jk. I have been trying to get pregnant for just over a year and my husband and I are tiptoeing around the idea of going to fertility clinic. Even though it's only been a year, I feel like I have been through SO much but then I read your blog and a few other women's and I feel like I ain't seen nothing yet. Ugh.

Well enough crap about me, I just really wanted to thank you for your stories. You are a fantastic writer and every one of your posts makes me laugh. I definitely need that. I admire how honest you are and you have become one of the VERY few pregnant women that I wouldn't squint at and call a whore under my breath. I really am happy for you. I didn't think I could say that to any woman with child. But for you, I actually mean it.

Thanks again,
Melissa Griffin

Her Response:

Hi Melissa,
Thank you so much for your sweet email! I love to hear from readers.

I can definitely say that I know how you feel - I remember the one year mark very well. But trust me, you'll get used to showing your vagina to every doctor in your state of residence and won't even bat an eye! Still, I wish you the best of luck, and hope you end up not needing assistance after all.

If you ever have any questions or anything, let me know. And thanks again for writing!
-Jen
_______________________________________________
Making people uncomfortable with stories about my vagina since 2007:
http://www.jennepper.com/

Blogging publicly about our reproductive debacles since 2008:
www.redbookmag.com/your/infertility

I think her response explains everything I enjoy about her writing. Thanks again Jen. And Congratulations on your little girl.

This is me: not panicking...

Brian and I have resolved to not "try" anymore... No we're not giving up, it's my latest attempt at rescuing my sanity. At least that is how Brian explained it to me. So basically I'm not going to use ovulation kits for a while. I know the approximate time line of when I'm going to ovulate so I'm just going to live with that. While I took time off last month because of the medication I was on I realized I was still not as relaxed as I thought I was...It was so nice not to have to test or check the calendar or basically try. 

While we were on vacation in Tahoe last month during my "time off" I spilled my guts as to the desperation I felt around this time of the month. I told him how everything reminded me of the fact that a deadline was coming. Between counting the days and calculating the best times to have "fun" and using my ovulation tests twice per day for anywhere from three to five days, and reminding myself not to drink as much water so that the test would be accurate, and when I didn't ovulate on my regular date I would get more and more agitated as I received negative test after negative test... Basically testing was exacerbating my already neurotic habits. I know how many posts I've made about being all done with the crazy and not stressing anymore, but the thing is I don't always see it as stress. I see it as planning... And actually I am able to identify it in other situations that require a lot of planning or forethought. So anyway the last few weeks have been pretty good and pretty much any time getting pregnant popped into my tiny brain I just shrug it off and move on to singing the latest Jason Mraz song that I won't outwardly admit to liking. Taking last month off was really good for me, no plotting, no planning, no calculating. Until lunch today...

It started innocently enough. I jumped into my Outlook Calendar at work to make a change in my schedule and I noticed that single appointment with a lower case o, which signifies potential ovulation. I knew it was coming up but I hadn't paid too much attention to the actual date it might be. Well then I thought about what dates Brian and I had recently had "fun" and comparing it to the date when I might ovulate and when and when the next time we should have fun will be. And then then muscles in my lower back started to tighten and my thoughts started to race, and then my vision started to dim and and the room was spinning, and not in a good way. Holy shit. So I took a deep breathe, closed my calendar and walked away from my computer. Man that was a close one. So fortunately because of my momentary clarity I was able to recognize the panic that almost consumed me.

Well now that I have had my little set back and regained my clarity; I am back to relaxing. And by Wednesday night around 6:32 I will be REALLY relaxed because Brian is making me get a massage. What a wonderful Husband I have.

Sticking A Fork In The Baby Making Road

What if I never know what its like to see that second line on a home pregnancy test? What if we can never have kids?

I have recently been reading other women's blogs about TTC. Most of them are much further into the journey than I am. Most of them are talking about fertility treatments that include pills, shots, creams, and even surgery. Most of them have been trying for years and have spent thousands of dollars and still haven't gotten pregnant.

What if we don't want to go that far? What we don't want to adopt?

I feel like we have been through so much in the last year. But in comparison to the heartache that some couples have been through, we ain't seen nothin' yet. I feel like this really may not happen for us. And it's not sadness talking, but maybe a kind of resolve. Like I am coming to terms with the fact that it may not be in the cards for us. I feel like the time is closing in on what kind of discussions we need to start having together then with our families. I hate that two weeks ago I was ready to break down the doors of the first Fertility Clinic I found and jump into their stirrups, and now. Well now I don't know if I want to deal with any of that. Part of me wants to just find out if we can or not. But then I think about the people who didn't take that route. I have one friend who tried for two years then finally got pregnant - with no medical intervention. We have some friends who tried for nine years and some who tried for thirteen and finally got their baby... Do I want to hang on that long? I don't know.

What we will spend our double incomes on? What sort of exotic vacations are in store for us?

That probably sounds insensitive right? Well what if I'm feeling insensitive?! Haven't I earned the right to be sarcastic and cold?

I was five days late this month. FIVE. I have never been that late. I took at test last night and it was negative. Then I got my period this afternoon. We technically took last month off because of the medication I had to take for that rash. Brian and I were still careful and didn't "try". But lets just say our method was not exactly bomb proof. So when I was late this week I was all: NO WAY! Are you kidding me? That would be just like us to get it right when we were trying to get it wrong! But we didn't... And that medication? Well it fucked me all up. It gave me such bad vertigo I was afraid to drive. And Sunday I had such strong fatigue that I barely got out of bed all day. It felt like the time I had carbon monoxide poisoning. Ugh. Where do we go from here?

Nope.

UGH.

Change of Heart

Okay so I never ended up making an appointment with the Fertility Clinic. I think I might hold off a bit. Plus we can both get the first round of tests done by my primary doctor. So I don't quite feel the same need to set up an appointment. Guess it was just a bad day. Not that I am changing my mind completely, just that I think I can wait a couple more months. We'll see I might change my mind again in a couple of days. Who knows.

Infertility: A Double Feature

You've seen those suspense movies where you think you have it all figured out and you're sure they are going to save the day with just a second to spare? But then they throw in a major screw ball twist that you didn't see coming! And that's the part where doubt creeps in... I know its only been a few weeks since my doctor gave me a glimmer of hope. But that sadly, was short lived. What I didn't mention is that when she walked me out of the exam room, she handed me a business card for the Pacific Fertility Center. And it's been burning a hole in my wallet ever since. I can't help but think what a waste of time it might be trying, unknowingly, in vain for the next few months. She handed it to me with a soft smile and told me to call it when I felt ready. Turns out: I'm ready for my close up.

Brian and I had talked a month or two ago and decided we weren't ready to shop for a fertility clinic just yet. But I don't feel that way anymore. I want a baby, and I'm tired of waiting. I'm not stressed. I'm not depressed. I'm just overdue. It's officially been a year this month since we started trying but it feels like an eternity. I have been back and forth with telling myself that we could be perfectly healthy and it really will just happen when its supposed to. But I'm kind of feeling that is just delusional cheerleadery bullshit. Yep. I think I need to make that phone call. SOON. I imagine that it will be at least a month or three before I can get an appointment anyway. Or I guess I really should be saying "we". It may not be me.... Sorry dear but that is a fact. One that I pray does not affect us... Here goes nothing.

***** Update: I just left the office to go outside and make the phone call and it turns out I need to do some routine testing through my doctor before I spend $325 on a 1 hour consultation. Yikes. 8/29/2008

Parolee

Time off for good behavior? Not exactly. I have developed a tremendously itchy rash. Sexy ehh? It's no big deal, doc says it should heal up fine. The original remedy she gave me didn't quite cut it, so now I have to take something slightly more toxic. Cooool. Anyhow, that means no baby making this month. The good news is - that is a whole 3 weeks of wine for me! Wooo hooo. Bad news is - it pushes my eternally potential due date back yet again. Interestingly enough she is not the only doctor I saw today.

I had my annual visit with my OBGYN. She's great by the way. We talked doggies and babies. We also talked infertility. She told me one thing I didn't want to hear: It takes most people about 6 months to get pregnant. But she did say something that made me want to jump for moderate relief. But I couldn't because my feet were in the stirrups. She said although most doctors recommend seeing a fertility expert after one year of no luck. Inertility used to be defined by 2 years with no luck. She said people just seem to be on the fast track these days and that plenty of couples will conceive after a year without medical intervention. Whew!

I guess its more wait and see. Something I have gotten used to. And better at.

Nope.

Not this month either. I'm okay this time. I am. I feel fine. I'm actually a little surprised by just how fine I really feel. I also feel like having a baby is inevitable for me.

It will happen.

Long Time Gone

I'd hate for my absence to appear as though I am no longer invested in this blog... I just don't need it in the same way that I used to. I have currently found an additional outlet at yahoo answers.com . It's a large forum where you can ask any type of question that will likely be answered by a complete stranger from Des Moines. They also have specific categories where ladies like me have a place to ask questions that you may not necessarily get without the obligation of a co-pay. The people on there are not all doctors but women who share a common thread. TTC, Trying To Conceive. It's a great place to ask: "Has anyone else experienced this?" or "what the hell does this mean?". Sometimes it's not a question so much as an opportunity to blurt out good news or frustration. And it is immediately responded to accordingly. Of course you can get the occasional 13 year old meat head, who comes in to make inappropriate remarks, but its rare and they have a "policing" system for reporting such creatures.

Anyhoodle, it's a fantastic place where I have used my powers fueled by pain and frustration for good instead of evil. It feels so good to theoretically raise your hand and say "Holy shit, me too!". And I think I have been helpful...

So I guess makes it the Internet 2, despair 0.

Lucky #6

Its an epidemic...

Congratulations Teresa and John. Love you.

Eveready

I feel slightly uninspired to write, but also somewhat obligated. I want to stop thinking about all the baby stuff, but I am constantly reminded of it.

I was looking around online a few weeks ago and came across this forum that discussed the issues women face while trying to become pregnant. In order to partake in the discussion I had to register with the site. Well some how my account information got messed up and it shows my profile as already being a mom, and they now send me emails on other discussions Mom's have and sales on baby items. For some reason I am unable to change my profile or unsubscribe to their relentless emails. It keeps telling me there is an error of some sort. I even emailed the "tech help" section and they sent me step by step instructions that have no use or meaning to me. So I am subjected to a daily reminder that I have no need for any baby items that are now 30-50% OFF!!!

Its also raining babies among our various social circles. I found out yet another couple is expecting their first. Congratulations Mike and Boo. I mean that. I think. Yeah, I do. I'm not bitter anymore. Oh yeah, that's number 5 by the way- if anyone else is keeping count.

I think on the "bad days" I just feel a little blue. But it is really much better than it has been. I dream about it pretty often, a couple of days ago I had this dream that a woman was telling me I was going to have a boy next month. I couldn't quite remember or interpret if I was already pregnant or what... But it was intriguing at the very least. Most of my dreams have to do with me already having a baby or telling people I'm pregnant but I wouldn't be showing yet. So I can only hope that it's a foreshadow of some sort. Then again talking about it makes me feel like I might be jinxing it. Whatever. So in the meantime - I'll be waiting.

Blue

Hmm, it appears as though I have skipped almost the entire month of June. Don't take it personally I was busy. A wedding in Tahoe, the Father's Day bbq brian and I threw at the house, and various other social obligations. It's been nice to be so busy. But now I am a little run down.

Brian and I have established a savings account to cover expenses for my maternity leave. The plan is to have enough so that I am able to take 3 months off and Brian is able to take 1 month off. It should also cover any medical bills that are left over from my deductable. We are about 60% there. After every month that has gone by with no good news I tell myself well at least we'll have one more month to save... I also think how great it will be when we have reached our goal, because I hate the pillows on the couch in the living room and I can't wait to buy new ones. I keep using that goal to keep my mind off the other one that I just can't seem to attain. I think about the freedoms we have because we aren't tied down to a sleeping infant. I tell myself that in some ways I'm already a mother. But that's bullshit. The truth is none of that helps on days like this. I ache to be a mother... I think about it all the time. Everything is a reminder. I'm getting so tired of waiting. So very tired.

Nope.

I'm not.

When Anger is an Understatement

Normally I would have titled this entry "Nope", but today I find my self ravaged with anger and unable to do so. Surprisingly, not because I'm not pregnant, but just from good old fashioned pms. I am partially writing this entry in hopes that it may come in handy for my defense lawyer during my trial for mass murder. Everyone in my office is in danger. So let this be a warning. I noticed it a little last night, but by this morning it was full blown wrath. Poor Brian, I'm sure he noticed it "a little" too. So if we meet on the street or in a supermarket please be advised that my fury is hazardous to your health, and you would be wise to proceed accordingly. Fortunately for everyone else by 5:30pm tonight I will be halfway through a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc and unable to remove myself from the couch.

*For additional legal purposes, I'm going to denote my use of sarcasm in this entry. I'm not really going to kill anyone, I am just currently consumed by my pms. This was only a joke.

I don't know why but I can hear Frank Somerville reading that last part on the 10 O'Clock news, in my head.

Pants All On Fire

Well nothing to report really. I am a week from any news. Last night I spent the entire evening baking for Brian's camping trip to Pismo Beach. I made both of his favorites, Golden Gram Treats (like Rice Krispy Treats but with chocolate chips) and Coffee Cake. TWO batches of each!!! You're Welcome Dear

In addition, I lied to a few friends. I know, I know, where do I find the time? This weekend is Jessica Jones' bachelorette - WOO HOO! Thanks for the invite Jess, I'm SO SORRY I can't make it. But I think once you read this you'll understand why I had to say no. I wouldn't be able to drink and I wouldn't be able to tell you why. So I kinda told Jessica that I would be in Pismo with Brian. And I had to tell the same lie to Tony La Torra because he is very good friends with Jessica and he invited Brian and I out to a concert in the park tomorrow night with he and Sarah.... So you see, I was left with no choice.

So I should warn those whom plan to become pregnant and not tell your friends or family that you are trying. BECOME A GOOD LIAR. I have managed the art of ordering a glass of wine at dinner and taking pretend sips, only to pull the old switcharoo with Brian's empty glass so it looks like mine is all gone. I have joked that I boozed it up the night before, and I'm still fighting off the hang over. Or even pulled out the DD (Designated Driver) card to trump a vodka collins. Brian thinks I am silly, and self conscience. But any woman knows that when a friend, family member or acquaintance of childbearing age turns down a glass of wine - SOMETHING IS UP. Anyway... I will keep you posted as the week goes by. Cross your fingers for me.

Weight For Me

During my five month psychotic break, I packed on an astounding 13 pounds. Anyone who knows me, also knows that I yo-yo. I know exactly how and why the weight comes back after I loose it, but that doesn't stop me from enjoying a good burger. It's like a disease. Not Bulimia or Anorexia, but self entitlement.

When I go through a tough stretch or finally reach a goal. I take that opportunity to indulge in the things that I otherwise would approach with moderation. I joined Weight Watchers again this month. If you want to know the truth I joined a month ago, went in for two meetings and then blew it off for the next three weeks. Mean while it billed my credit card. (Sorry Honey). So my next meeting is tomorrow morning, I have to go in and tell them why I didn't show for three weeks and explain why I have gained back the 4lbs that I lost in my first week. Yuck. But I will go. And in a month I will be able to pull up my pants with out grimacing that they used to be looser.

And the Internet won't make an insurance claim

When I started this blog I had no idea what monumental healing powers it would hold. Only recently have I really been able to take a step back and look at what a mess I was. Part of the reason we didn't tell anyone is because I was concerned that getting pregnant would take so long. I couldn't stand the thought of people knowing that I was having trouble, and I knew how much I'd hate it if someone asked me how things were going on the wrong day. It would be the equivalent of someone pointing out a mistake I'd made to a crowded room. I didn't want to face the anyone, I didn't want to look inadequate or vulnerable. "The brave face." That's me. "Don't ask me how I'm doing and I'll be fine." I know now how toxic that is.

Yesterday I came across a local blog which had a simple entry regarding an interview she had done for an article that deemed blogging "group therapy." I couldn't agree more. Thanks Internet.

If a pregnancy test could be used for currency....

Since I began using Ovulation tests to assist us in "timing" for project: baby griffin; I have accumulated a staggering amount of pregnancy tests. When you buy the Ovulation Kits it comes with free pregnancy tests, like the press on tattoo's in the bottom of a crackerjack box. One time it looked like whom ever packed the box just grabbed a handful and tossed them in to spite the conglomerate they worked for. The ones on the left are the remainder from a four pack of tests that I bought at Costco the weekend after we decided to start trying. They expire in July.

The worst part is I have to order another kit.

Which only means one thing: MORE Free Pregnancy Tests.

If a pregnancy test could be used for currency, I could buy a lithuanian baby.

Nope.

And while that sucks. I'd like to talk a little bit about the man who didn't get me pregnant this month. That's a joke. Honestly I'd like to tell you how wonderful my husband has been.

I, like most women can be pretty complex. And though I often know he would like to run screaming from the room- He doesn't. I try not to get mad when he mutters under his breath that he can't win, because I know he's right. And because I know I am a big jerk. Brian has been incredibly supportive, and has been my only source for positive reinforcement and hope, especially in the last month. And I am grateful for him. He says the all the cute things I want to hear about me being pregnant soon, but am to guarded to say myself. He works a lot of long days, and still finds the guts to come home to a reproductive-obsessed lunatic. So next time you see him give him a big hug. The poor guy has been a hostage for the better part of a year and could probably use a hug with no strings attached.

Thanks honey, I love you.

Yes I am not sure

My period is due today. For the last nine months I have taken a pregnancy test a few days before my period was due. This month I wasn't as eager to receive disappointing news so I waited until this morning to take it. Brian and I found ourselves awake around 5:30am so I decided to get up and take a test. I did my part, and got back in bed while the test sat on the top of the toilet seat in the bathroom. It needs to sit a minimum of 5 minutes for "accurate" results. Brian agreed to get up and check it. So after the five minutes was up, he took a look and then came back to bed with the condolences I was prepared for... I went back to sleep waking up a few hours later to go to work. Yeah so I slept in, what of it?!


Anyway, so it's now 6:30 pm, and still no period. No period and a negative pregnancy test... This is what I am talking about, with the ups and downs. Stress could be delaying my period. Simple as that. But I didn't feel stressed about it. I felt excited. Is it possible that I got a false negative? Yes. Is it likely? No. So I am either one day late, as has happened before, or I got a false negative. Or my husband whom requires eye glasses to watch TV or drive did not wear them this morning while looking at the test, could not see it as clearly as he thought.

Earlier this evening while I should have been working. I went back to amazon.com to check out the reviews on the brand of test I am using. I was pleasantly surprised to see that many women hadn't gotten the "early" results as promised by the company. I have to say it was pretty nice reading those reveiws about false negatives and all those women who said that they couldn't get an early result. I really hope I could be one of those statistics. I genuinely believe we did everything right this month. As far as timing goes. Get your mind out of the gutter. UGH... Will I get my period tonight? Or tomorrow morning? Should I even bother testing tomorrow? This is the part that sucks. How do I forget about these times, where I'm so up and down. Like every month I am surprised by my volatile emotions.


At any rate, it's more of the wait and see game. I'll keep you updated. Wish me luck.

Peachy

We cleaned out the spare room that we call the "peach room" yesterday. The reason we call it that is because it is a decidedly hideous color of peach. And when we first moved in we had absolutely no idea what to do with it. So it stayed that way.

We made the decision to clean in there because Parker went in there to sleep on the spare bed and we couldn't find him for three whole days. Truly it was a disaster... I kept calling it the "Staging Room". Brian kept pretending it didn't exist. So once we were able to actually clear a spot large enough to recognize the carpet, I quickly sat down and dreamt of the possibilities. I thought about the colors we could paint it when the time comes that it needs to exist for more than just a place we hide things from unexpected company. I thought about Mother's Day, and when it would be my turn to celebrate it... I don't think it will be this year. I won't know for a few more days but my plan is to keep assuming it will happening the following month.

Anyway, Happy Mother's Day, hope it's peachy!

Gulp...

Here we go, I am another week away from either banishing fish, coffee, nonpasturized cheeses and sadly wine or on my way to indulging in all four. Another week of wait and see.

Putting Aside My Feelings...

I just want to say how lovely it is to know four women that are pregnant right now. Well five if you count Angelina Jolie. But I don't know her that well so I shouldn't count her right?

I wasn't sure how to properly convey a sarcastic inflection in that statement. But I would guess you figured it out.

Anyway, with all disdain aside: Congratulations Claudia, Kelly, Tammy, and Chrissy. And to the Carver's, proud parents of a baby boy: Joseph Edward Carver,V. I can't wait to meet you.

Nobody Knows.....

Okay, So I started to realize I hadn't written in a while. But when logged in I saw that it had only been about 10 days since my last post. Not that long... But what I haven't done in "a while" is think about being pregnant. And that is probably why I haven't written in "a while". Because- well I 'm not letting it absorb my every thought anymore. I think they call that obsession. Ladies: note to self, obsessing about whether you are or are not finally pregnant will only make you C-R-A-Z-Y.

This is probably like the fifth time I have stated that I am done obsessing in various other ways, but this time I think it's true. Although my head is much more clear before I ovulate each month, so hopefully I will still feel this same resolve a week from now. Who know's? Who knows.....

Nope.

No tax break for us.

In My Head...

I have been trapped inside my head for a while now. I finally went through and re-read all of my posts. They are pretty sad! I realized just how much I had been using this page for an outlet, but only when I was down.

I am yet again just a week away from finding out my fate. Trying to ignore the voice that is saying "this really might be the month", so that I don't get let down again. Just so you know, I actually am pretty hopeful each month. But I try not to let that idea take over.

I try not to think about the fact that if I am pregnant this month, I would be due a week before Christmas. Or how we would tell our families in June, after I would be about 12 weeks along, and possibly have a sonogram to show everyone. It's exciting. Sometimes I get more caught up in how we are going to tell our families, then planning for the kid to actually get here. I know how excited you will be for us. And we can't wait to tell you.

Weighing my options

This was an Instant Messaging session I had with my boss/best friend/sister regarding someone we know, who's daugher-in-law is expecting their FIFTH child. Yes, number FIVE. That's me Mrsgriff in Pink and Teresa is Reese.

MrsGriff027 (12:18:37 PM): That dumb bitch can get pregnant, but I can't???!!! WTF???
Reese (12:19:29 PM): i know, i was thinking the same thing. Brains unfortunately are not a pre-req for conception
Reese (12:19:56 PM): the only thing worse than your situation is having FIVE kids
Reese(12:19:59 PM): and no job
Reese(12:20:03 PM): good god
MrsGriff027 (12:20:09 PM): I should quit my job, and starting getting drunk all the time
Reese(12:20:21 PM): and start smoking too
Reese(12:20:28 PM): that should do it
MrsGriff027 (12:20:28 PM): GOOD CALL
MrsGriff027 (12:20:42 PM): I should also find some unsavory friends
MrsGriff027 (12:20:48 PM): Maybe it's contacgious
Reese(12:21:06 PM): yes, whatever works
MrsGriff027 (12:21:33 PM): Okay, but instead of quitting can you fire me? I think that might help my odds
Reese(12:21:52 PM): not a chance

Duh.....

Perspective is a powerful thing once you are prepared to face whatever it is you have been through. I feel much more content after finally accepting the fact that "it will happen when it's supposed to." Of course I have known that all along. The logical side in me kept saying it over and over. But my heart knows it now...

I am all done with the crazy.

Nope.

I actually don't feel as bummed as I thought I would. I feel numb. Indifferent. Relieved to know, either way. And a little bit glad I'll be able to drink wine on my birthday...

To Test, or Not to Test.....

It's surprisingly tough to decide. The pregnancy tests that I have, I ordered online. They are a no frills version of the standard test. Similar to what they use at a hospital or clinic. But at a fraction of the price you pay at the store. I bought 40 ovulation tests and 10 pregnancy tests for $25.00. Some stores charge that much for a single pregnancy test. They are also much more sensitive than the standard over the counter test. Your typical over the counter test can allow you to test up to 3 - 5 days before your missed period. The tests I have will allow you to test 6 - 8 days before your period or 7 - 10 Days Passed Ovulation (DPO). I believe it is safer to test by your DPO date. I am 7 days PO. I'm sure most of you are like: "How can you even question it??? I would want to know as soon as possible!"

Well for me, the possibility of knowing early can be a blessing and a curse. Even though I could technically test tomorrow morning, it is still possible to get a false negative. Which doesn't sound like a bad thing, right? The problem is, if I were to test first thing tomorrow morning (most "early" tests recommend that you use first mornings urine) and it came up negative, I would be super bummed but still have that slight hope that it is in fact, a false negative. And if at the end of the week I still get my period, I then get the extreme pleasure of a sock to the gut twice in one week. Not so fun. The other part of it is I could actually be pregnant and receive a positive result on the test, but then have what they call an "early miscarriage" which occurs like your regular period. So you technically wouldn't even know you're pregnant because your period starts on time. But I would know because I tested early...Do you see what I mean???? Do you see what I have been going through for S-E-V-E-N Months?!

I guess I am trying to protect myself . It's SO easy to get excited that this month might be "the month". And it's SO hard when you realize that another month has gone by and you are still not pregnant. Actually, it's excruciating. That is why waiting is not as hard as it was the first few months.

What I want to know is: Why don't they talk about the emotional roller coaster you go through in the any of the books?!!! I read two books about getting pregnant and neither of them went over how shitty it feels to get a negative pregnancy test, or how desperate you feel when you get your period. Again. What's that saying about grief and anger? Never mind. =)


I think I'll wait.