On Ingoring Priorities

I have been thinking about this for many months. Probably even since the day we brought Leah home. Guardianship. If some tragedy were to befall Brian and I, we don't have anything in place from a legal standpoint to instruct our loved ones on our final wishes. Would putting it here on my blog count? 

This post is inspired by Josey's contribution to this months PAIL topic. While I didn't officially sign up for it (I missed the deadline because I didn't read about it until after),  I feel like it's an important topic. Not only to bring to peoples attention, but to put it here in writing as means to remind myself to get my shit together, and protect our daughter the best way we can. So here it goes:

Do you have a will? When did you draw it up and what sorts of things did you decide on with regard to guardianship?

No. No, we don't have a will yet. At one point I did a basic Advance Directive on a legal website for myself. Which basically said "please pull the pug if there is no chance of recovery, donate my organs, and my stuff should be distributed accordingly"...yada yada. But we haven't done a thing since Leah's been born. And it definitely crosses my mind on a regular basis. Especially with all the bizarre thoughts about death that I am STILL having.

But, at the very least, we have asked our dear friends, my sister for all intents and purposes; Teresa and her husband. Brian's parents are wonderful, and we know Leah would be well taken care of. But neither are in perfect health, and both are close to their 70's. Teresa and her husband are our age and have three children. And we feel confident that they would most certainly keep Brian's and my philosophy's and principles in mind while raising her and helping her make the best decisions. And also we feel they could not only handle it, but would value and enjoy having her.

Where do you live? Are you in a house you hope to stay in for years? A city you’re desperate to escape? Are you farther than you’d like to be from family (or, ahem, too close for comfort)?

Right now, we are in house we purchased in 2006, in the San Francisco Bay Area. And I'm pretty sure Brian and I will not only stay in this house, but will most likely die here. Which I guess is why we're talking about all this. Not that I think the house will kill us. I digress... It's a 3 bed, and 1 TEENYTINY bath. We have pipe dreams of adding a master bath one day. If we were to have another child, we could certainly turn the third room in the house, now currently a home office, into a bedroom. But if by chance we had another girl, I wouldn't mind if they shared a room.

We love the bay area, and most of our immediate family lives within 30 miles. I know, we're pretty lucky.... So we will most likely always live here. But we definitely have aspirations of retiring on the central coast - Goleta/Santa Barbara area. I digress, again.

Does the size of your world match your family’s needs (ie, do you need a bigger car or a house with an additional bedroom if you have another child)? 

Right now, our world can definitely accommodate the size of our family. And I can't see that having another child would change that. Besides, it would be too expensive to move, and we certainly wouldn't be able to buy another house due to circumstances surrounding the purchase of our house. And the fact that we bought it right before the 2007 housing crash, so we are totally underwater on it. And we have a CRV. Which is compact, but we could get by with it. 

What about the details, like “my sister would be the guardian for our son but she has no idea what he likes to eat for breakfast”? 

I can't say that this is anything I fret about. Leah would be fine. She's so little now, that preferences are kind of arbitrary. And Brian's Mom would still be a part of Leah's life and no doubt be helpful with the details. Plus, there will be particular things we plan to outline in our will. Like traditions we'd like to continue, and how I want my jewelry to be given to her. ( One piece for each significant occasion - 13th, 16th, 18th, 21st Birthdays; Graduations; Wedding...) 

Do you have other safety nets in place, like life insurance?

This is one question I can answer with certainty and peace of mind. Yes, we have life insurance. It's not a crazy amount, but enough to make sure we'd each be comfortable in case one of us passes. It would pay off our mortgage, and leave enough to put Leah through college. As well as covering living expenses for a while. And Leah would definitely be taken care of if we were both gone.  Which I believe makes it more comfortable for her guardians as well. 

What about those complicated questions, like the fate of your frozen embryos if something happens to you? 

Oooh, this is tricky. Right now, legally, if something were to happen to both of us it would be donated to science. But is it weird that I kind of want to give it to Leah? I know that must sound bizzare, I would feel comfortable with her deciding what to do with it. I also wouldn't mind leaving it to Teresa and her husband. I wouldn't mind if she transferred it, and carried so that Leah could have a sibling. But I also wouldn't mind if it went to another couple who needed it. Certainly something Brian and I need to revisit.

Ugh, the crappy stuff you have to think of as an adult... 

Catching Up

Wooowee, am I far behind on updates! Bullet Points anyone?

Blogaversary - My FIFTH blogaversary was January 31st. I still cannot believe I have managed to keep this going for so long - consecutively. I am always thankful for all of my bloggy friends and all the support I have found in this community.

2x4 - As in my current ass measurement. I started back on the ol' Dub-Dub last week. (Weight.Watchers). I find that the fourth time around I am able to do most of the Points (calorie counting) without actually signing up for it. I found an app for my phone that calculates points the same way WW does. And based on my history I know what range of points I should be within. So I'm exercising regularly again and counting my points. Friday is my first weigh in and since I'm not actually paying for their services, I get to weigh myself neked in my own bathroom. Surprisingly, I can feel a difference already. Even if it's just bloat that I've lost thanks to the metric shit ton of water I've been drinking. I'm just so ready to get my body back. -25lbs is my goal, but ideally I'd like to go for 35. We'll see what I can manage. And barring a second pregnancy, I'd like to hope this is the last time I'll have 25 - 35 to loose. 

I always felt like I needed the accountability of paying someone, and going in to get weighed in order to be successful. But since I'm opting for the free route, I will keep a ticker here (on your right) to help keep me in line. 

Leah - My amazing baby girl. She is so great. I am going to continue to post monthly updates for her. I have last months drafted, I just need to finish and post it. Same with this months, for that matter. Originally I was just planning to do the monthly's for her first year, but going back to read them all I realized  how much I quickly forgot. So I feel like it's important to track it all. 

Blogging in general - I want to keep up on it. I love it. I have been a horrendous commenter as of late though. In fact, I'm a little ashamed of how little I've been commenting. If you are still reading and/or commenting, I love you, and I am going to work on commenting back!

Stay Tuned!

Getting My Crap Together

Or not. 

I really hate to admit this, but I drastically underestimated the weight of the transition of becoming a SAHM. Emotionally and dynamically with me and my marriage. It's been really hard. And I did not see that coming. 

Apparently have you to be, like, tremendously self motivated and stuff. There is most certainly a Busy Bee side to me, but being busy and organized should really go hand in hand. And well organized, I am not. Which has become disturbingly clear since taking on this new role. I am currently looking into a program called Motivated Mom's which helps you keep on task and make sure you get all your goals accomplished each day. And by "looking into" I mean, I've had a tab open on the same browser window of the web page for like two weeks. But haven't really gotten around to doing anything with it...

I can stay busy, but getting all of my goals accomplished each day rarely seems to happen. Example: I will start cooking Leah's food for the next few days while she is down for a nap. In the middle of it, I'll notice the spice cabinet is a little messy. So I start cleaning and purging (please, at least one person out there say you know where I'm going with this) then all of a sudden I hear Leah chattering, it's three hours later, the house is a wreck and I have nothing for Brian and I for dinner. BUT the spice cabinet is clean! So suck on that!

Also it's just been a strange transition for Brian and I. I have been working since I was 15. So I've technically had a job longer than I haven't.  (been working for almost 19 years - I'm almost 34 - get it?)  So it's weird not to be earning anything, or not to be productive in a traditional sense - meaning the definition of being 'productive' has drastically changed and I don't know how to handle it. I think I also worry too much about what other people think about this role. Not just mine, but the SAHM label in general. Let me clarify a few things; I'm not hung up on the money part. Brian and I have had a joint account since day one. And there was a long period of time where I made more, and supported the household while Brian was in the transition of leaving his job and building his business. But I never thought of it as being the sole earner then. I would deposit my paycheck and it was like: here is this money for us. Yada Yada. And while raising a child and staying at home with them, has always been a dream and a goal for both of us. It's just a really big change and I'm still not even sure I can put my finger on what the big problem is exactly. 

I think in someways, Brian is struggling with the weight of being a sole provider on an unsteady income. He makes basically the same every month, but it is completely dependent upon his ability to keep the clients coming in. Anyone can see that is an assload of pressure. And so it seems that he technically works hard than me. Not to say that I don't work hard, or that I don't have tough days, but they are different. I have a lot more freedom, but I technically never get time off. I have not and will not ever speak for Brian, but my thoughts are that he struggling with the pressure and is a wee bit envious of my free time. Meanwhile I don't want the so called freedom to underrate what it is I do, just because there isn't a check for me to show that proves my worth. Did I tell you about the spice cabinet? Is anybody listening? Am I making a lick of sense? 
I have no idea...

Anyway, sorry for having been MIA. I have a lot of posts to finish and publish. I just need to sit down and get them done. Right after I figure out how to get all my other shit done.... Le Sigh. 

My Mama Must-Have's

I have slowly been compiling a list of the things I found absolutely impossible to live without since becoming a mama. When I first went to register I had a full on melt down and had no idea where to begin. There were so many items that I hadn't even heard of. And I really wanted to avoid having a lot of STUFF. I didn't want every baby product on the market, or the latest trend. I just wanted things that would make Leah comfortable and my life easier. So I'm thinking maybe there are a few of you out there (hopefully expecting by whatever means) that may benefit from this. 

In case you hadn't noticed and am a total nobody, so I am no way being compensated, nor am I officially endorsing any of the following products. I just like them, and think you might too. 

Video Monitor - I never considered myself completely neurotic, until I had a newborn. Initially I didn't even think we needed a monitor. Our house is a about 1100 square feet. It's old and has no insulation, plus I have bionic hearing so I can hear pretty much anything coming from anywhere. (so much for privacy, ehhh?) But I will tell you that being able to peek in on her brought such peace of mind. Especially when we moved her out of our room from her bassinet. We purchased the Angel Care Video Monitor with the Motion Sensor pad. Now, I can't say I would invest the money in this exact brand again, because A. There are a lot of false alarms with the motion sensor - so much so that I have that function turned off 95% of the time. (Yes, I know you can adjust the sensitivity) B. For as much as the unit costs it doesn't come with any mounting hardware - I purchased a separate clamp assembly, then Brian built a little (white) bracket we mounted to the wall so we could perfect the view. Regardless it is worth the peace of mind to be able to see her whenever. 

(the temperature is not always accurate for us 

because it's right above a heater vent - 

worth it tho since we have a terrific view of her crib.)

{Yes she is sleeping with her legs up on the side of the crib}

Bumpkins Bibs - This is where I am brand loyal. These bibs are the bomb. We of course did Baby Led Weaning, so Leah has fed herself from day one. Which as you may or may not yet know, guarantees a big fricken mess. But I love it. Anyway, these bibs repel moisture and have a pocket to catch all the food that doesn't make it into her mouth or back onto the highchair tray. (a little tip, I also put a kitchen towel in her lap, under the bib so that residual food doesn't end up in her chair messing up her pants) Anyway, these bibs wash easily so I can rinse it off after her meal, then throw it on the dish-rack to dry before her next meal. So I only go through one bib per day instead of three. And they are large enough to cover her entire torso and shoulders! Which means her shirt always stays clean too. 

Shopping Cart Covers - I wouldn't put myself in the Germaphobe category, but Shopping Carts iz nasty.  I once did a test in my high school Biology class where we walked around with little cotton swabs then tested them for bacteria. And shopping carts had more bacteria than Garbage Cans. (but less than shoes; shoes were the WORST.) Anyhoo, on top of that Leah wasn't really able to sit up completely by herself until about 10 months, so having a big puffy cart cover was safer for her too. Definitely a must. 

Bassinet - I liked the idea of co-sleeping, but I couldn't sleep while she was in the bed with me. And in those early days, I needed all the quality sleep I could get. I LOVED having her next to me, I could peak over at her, and actually hear her breathing. Though I could also hear each little movement and peep she made, which usually woke me up - but still I loved her being right next to us. 

Multi purpose pads - I don't know if anyone uses them the same way I do. But I put them on top of the changing pad cover. They are absorbent and keep moisture from going to the material underneath. I actually bought them for our own mattress- I have three friends whose water broke while they were in bed. And I did NOT want that happening to me, but most importantly to my beloved Tempurpedic mattress. Anyhoo, they are life savers for the changing table. Especially when you are a rookie with diapers and are in the midst of newborn excrement. (It's really runny, and often leaks up their back)

Wipe Warmer - I know it sounds extravagant. But I like to think of it more as courtesy on our part. I just hated the idea of goosing my kid with a cold wipey at 3am...

Sound Machine - As you may or may not know yet. Infants are used to noise. The human body is noisy on the inside, and when they come out to the outside world, quiet can be distressing! So do pick up a sound machine. We used one in Leah's bassinet, and I got so used to it, that I bought another one (which we also use in the car) for myself. And I am somewhat embarrassed to admit that I use it every night. 

Sunglasses - Yet again, something that may sound extravagant. But I think of them more as an investment in her physical health rather than a fashion statement. We bought Baby Banz because they are lightweight and have polarized lenses. I have super sensitive eyes, and cannot bear to be outside without a good pair of shades. So I have assumed that Leah is possibly the same. Our pediatrician agreed!

Baby Carrier - I will be the first to admit it. I am a baby-wearing fool. And I love it. My wonderful bloggy pal, Shelby lent me her Moby wrap. I wore it on a daily basis for several months after I finally started to actually get out of the house. I loved it because it kept her so close to me, she could hear my heart beat and I always knew she was warm enough (winter baby and all), and it was so easy to get around. I wore it inside the house as well.  But as she became more alert (around 6 months) she stopped liking being tucked away. Made me very sad, but I switched over to a Baby Bjorn that we had received second hand. Which I loved as well. Leah took sometime getting her neck strong enough, so the bjorn worked great as I faced her in towards me. Then as she got stronger, I faced her out and she loved that too! Now she is too big for both and it makes me sad... We also received an Ergo Baby second hand, but Leah was not a fan of that one from the get go. 

Things I don't think are worth the money: 

Bedding - Maybe I'm alone here, but I wasn't into picking a theme for the nursery. Maybe it's because I didn't find out what we were having, but my contention was that I didn't want to slap an identity on the kid just yet. I want to wait and find out who our child is to become and see what s/he grows to love as they get older. Then when we transition to a big-girl bed, we'll let her pick a theme. But mostly, on a practical note; Bedding sets are fricken expensive. I didn't want anything with the fluffy bumpers - I chose a breathable set. $20 bucks. And a set of sheets can run anywhere between $10-20 bucks. Two-three sets, and you're good! I eventually purchased a bed skirt to dress it up (a purple one!) Still all of that ran well under $100. And I guess since I registered for it, I only paid for the bedskirt out of pocket. :)

Bum.bo - It seemed like everyone made a BFD about these, but we hardly used it. Leah was not a fan, and my other two friends whom had babies around the same time felt the same way. Get a used one, maybe.

Things I wish I had chosen more wisely:

High Chair - I had it in my head somehow that Highchairs were overpriced and overdone with features.   But I was wrong. DEAD wrong. We went with the Fisher. Pri.ce Space Saver . It's horrible. The tray is rickety and hard to get on, and the cushion that comes with it is a joke - you'd have to wash that thing everyday. I took it off and left it off. And now I regularly stalk craigstlist for decent priced gently used Boon, because I do believe they are where it's at. (Thanks to MTL for the recommendation!)

Diaper Bag - I know, this seems like a no brainer.  You'd think I would have given this a great deal of thought, but I think I picked one after a long evening of registering and just wanted to be done. I didn't want to cram 10lbs of shit into a 5lb bag. I wanted something simple. Unfortunately it seems in this realm of product, simple = virtually useless. I still use the bag. But every time I open it, I give a little sigh.  

Anyway, I'm sure I will find more to add here, but I hope this will be helpful to at least a few of you out there!

On Being Out

And about, that is.

Thank you all for your wonderfully sympathetic comments on my last post. They made me feel SO much better. 

Yesterday when I threw up my harried post, I was so frustrated from a lunch we had just come back from. Leah is still napping twice a day so my life is pretty segmented into what I can get done in-between. 

7am: Up for the day 
 - Bottle
8am: Breakfast
9am: Nap
10:30am: Up
- This is when I typically shower, though I prefer to try to do it around 6:30am most times the snooze button wins. Our bathroom is against her bedroom wall, and we have an old house with no insulation. So it's not ideal to shower while she is napping. I usually wait until right when she wakes up, or when I think she's slept long enough. She is really good, and will entertain herself in her crib for a good 20-30 minutes while I'm in there, I can usually get my hair dry by then too. 
11:30am - Lunch
12:30: Books & Bottle 
1:00: Nap
3:30-4:00: Up
4:00: Bottle
5:45: Dinner
6:30: Bath
7:00: Bottle & Bed

So the hour after her first nap is spent getting us both dressed and ready for the day, then it's lunch time and by the time she finishes I have about 30 minutes before I have to start winding down for her afternoon nap. Which doesn't leave a lot of time to do stuff outside the house.  When I really need to get something done, I'll give her a bottle in the car at her normal lunch time, then try to make it back home by 12:30 to do her regular lunch before her nap time rolls around again. 

Which is what I did Friday. I rushed out of the house at 10:45 to meet Brian at one of his job sites so I could see some of his work, then we went to lunch with a client of his. I was pretty clear about the timeline I was on, but since I spent the entire lunch wrangling her by myself - Brian was entrenched in conversation with his client (rightfully so); I didn't realize what time it as until she really started to fall apart. And then I fumed the whole way home about how I didn't even taste the food I inhaled, and wasn't able to participate in the conversation, and now she was overdue for lunch and dangerously close to nap time. (When she's overtired she doesn't eat well, and then she won't nap well because she's hungry) I had attempted to give her some avocado at the restaurant, but most of it ended up in her lap, or on the floor - Sorry Mr. Bus-Boy-man. 


Leah has absolutely zero attention span. So I could bring the entire inventory of toys from our house and she would still want to play with the wrapper from my straw or the salt and pepper shakers. She is a great eater normally but food becomes a nightmare outside the house.  She is either so fascinated by her surroundings that she doesn't eat, or she tries to eat but the food ends up in her lap because she's not paying any attention to getting it into her mouth. 


The thing is, I'm not mad at anyone. I'm not mad at Brian for spending the time with his client (whom is kind of a friend of ours and going through a rough time) and I'm certainly not mad at Leah for being so curious of everything. I was just exhausted and overwhelmed by how much energy I expended trying to keep her entertained and out of trouble in a crowded restaurant. And I'll admit, I was a little caught up in feeling self-conscious about what a poor job it appeared I was doing. Which I think made it worse... 

So I find myself conflicted with two schools of thought. 1. FUCK THAT SHIT, I'm not taking her with us again until she is old enough to understand that she needs to eat and can't get down; or can enjoy a toy or five that will hold her attention for at least 30 minutes. Because it's just not worth the stress. It's really not. 2. People do this all the time, the more I do it the more accustomed we will both become to it - or the more desensitized I will get. But this theory is tougher to follow because we just don't go out that much. Part of the cutbacks/sacrifice we've made so that I can be home with her. Either way I am entirely resigned to the fact that having a little one is tough and the tough part is reasonably temporary. I love her and I knew 100% what I was getting into, and I am learning just as much as she is. 

It's just really nice to hear from all of you that I am not entirely incompetent. And it actually is difficult...

Lie To Me

At what point does leaving the house become NOT such a monumental undertaking? So far, I've only gotten grocery shopping down...And even that requires mental preparation. 

So I'm either over thinking it, completely incompetent (entirely possible) or it is actually really fucking hard when kids are this age. 

It seems like I end up exhausted or regretful with just about everything else I attempt. Please tell me I'm not alone and how soon it will get easier. 

If you don't have good news - just lie to me. 

Alright, Maybe I Can Swing It.

Thank you, ladies for walking me through the logistics of it. And providing your own experiences. It has really taken the edge off of my anxiety about leaving her. I don't feel guilty about the time- never have. It's more about my being away from her. I know she'll kind of forget we're gone to an extent. Between naps and nighttime, she sleeps around fifteen hours a day. And she is VERY comfortable with my MIL. So I feel good about that. With the exception of the gloating and blustering I'll have to hear about her spending the WHOLE WEEKEND with her snookum-pie. (cue gag reflex) (and mama-bear reflex, for that matter...)

I genuinely believe in making time for Brian and I a priority. Leah goes to bed at 7pm every night, which gives us a good three hours each night. I do my best to have most of the stuff around the house finished by then. We also try to do a date night every month. The last one was in October, but it's been nuts. So the next one will be this week! Thanks to Christmas we have gift certificates to dinner and the movies!  

Anyhoo, I have decided to aim for staying there both nights, but allowing myself a little time to get used to the idea. And come game day, if I just can't handle it, I'll do one. Though I am preparing myself for how tough the days leading up to it can be. Thank you for pointing that out... And thank you again for the reassurances. I'm so grateful for the input. 

Not Without My Daughter

We have a wedding to go to in April. Brian is in it. So we have to go.

Why am I making it sound like a bad thing? Because it will be my first night away from Leah. Or first two nights. That part is up to me. Whether it's one night or two. 

The wedding is only a little over an hour away, but it's an evening wedding at a vineyard. So driving home just seems silly. The rehearsal dinner is up there the night before, next day is the wedding, and of course brunch the day after. 

My choice is that Brian goes up Friday, for the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. Stays at the hotel that night alone. And I come up early Saturday, leave Sunday late morning. OR we both go up Friday and come home Sunday Afternoon.

A weekend away? With my husband? Sounds pretty fricken great. 

Now you know what I'm going to say; I don't want to leave Leah. 

I would not have planned a weekend getaway for us. 

Not yet. 

But the time with him sounds lovely. And I'll be honest, occasionally I miss the me-time. Don't mistake my incomparable gratitude and love for my daughter. But sometimes? When I leave her with Brian to run to an errand, I get in the car and blast my stereo, and it feels so good to have that little piece of time to myself, even for just a half hour or so. I know this is normal.  I know that a weekend away with my husband is a good thing. That it will be good for us. And I know I will rcover from being away from her. 

And Leah will be fine. I know this. We'll have Brian's mom stay at the house with her. I know we could bring my MIL up there, and get a room for her too. But it sounds more stressful. Taking her up there, she'll be all out of her element, and then it'll be much harder on all of us than it would to just keep her at home; in her own environment. 

This is great problem to have, I KNOW. And most certainly not the end of the world.

In theory, I want to go up for the whole weekend. And while yes, Brian will be busy with the wedding in part. It'll be nice to have some extra time alone with him. And I know I of course, will not regret it. I just haven't been away from her for more than 9 hours and I'm struggling with the thought of 48.

What did you do the first time you let your baby???

Christmas

Christmas was a bit of a whirlwind. Though I rarely hear people refer to it as uneventful or low-key. With Leah's party occurring just three days before, and all the preparation that that entailed; on top of all the standard Christmas hoopla: finishing shopping, wrapping gifts, while cramming that all into the regular daily schedule. Plus my last three days of work leading up to all that... It's been nuts, and I am EXHAUSTED. 

But good. 

Really good. 

And grateful.

Christmas Eve, as always was spent with my extended family at my Grandparents house (aunts, uncles, cousins). Everyone contributes an appetizer and we all over indulge in snacks. I think I love Christmas Eve the most. 

It's all laughter, and chaos. It's perfect. 

See that Glass Coffee table near Brian? My Uncle was given a homemade bottle of Kaluha which was sitting on that very table. But my ninja daughter knocked it over in the split second that I turned to acknowledge a thank you, and the bottle shattered into a million tiny pieces. With Kaluha and glass pooling onto the table and carpet, I can tell you I don't think I have ever moved so fast in my entire life. She was fine. The carpet, was not. Fortunately I have a connection to a Cleaning Company, and they took care of it the day after Christmas. And next year it'll be a fun story to re-tell. I hope. 

Not a great picture, but I love that shirt. Which we later changed her out of, because she was covered in Kaluha. It says: "Is It Too Late To Be Good?" 

Christmas morning was quiet. Since Leah had been up late the night before, and had been through the chaos of the previous three days (her birthday). She woke up an hour later than normal; 8am. Barely picked at her oatmeal, then went back to bed at 9 and slept until noon. So Christmas morning, was really Christmas afternoon for us. 

I put her in those striped little jammies, because they were very much like the pair we had her in last year on her first Christmas.

CAH-RAZY to see how tiny she was, just a year ago. 

We helped her open a few packages, and she was entirely interested. She played with the paper, and crawled over to her existing favorite toys across the room. 

Since our families were ridiculously generous, Brian and I Santa went easy. She got a Jack-In-The-Box (actually The Very Hungry Caterpillar) and a few other small gifts.

So overall it was wonderful and I feel so fricken lucky for my husband and daughter, and the rest of my family. I always do. 

But Christmas is just an extra reminder...

Hope yours was lovely too!

Twelve Months

Dearest Leah,

Snuggle in sweetie, this is going to be a long one. I'm finding it nearly impossible to summarize the first year of your life. So often it seems like we just brought you home from the hospital; I can barely even fathom the fact that you have actually been here for twelve whole months. You, my love, are one year today. 

One year...

Crap, wait a sec..

Better.

Watching you grow into this teeny tiny person has been the most fulfilling time in my life so far. And it's hard for me to imagine now, but I know it's only going to get better. 

This past month you have learned to clap. I think it partially comes from playing pattycake with your grammy, but also I like to grasp your tiny wrists and do it for you. Which inevitably cracks you up. Now when you do it on your own, you hold one had still while slapping the other against it. It's much cuter than I am describing it, I swear. 

Your getting pretty good at cruising along furniture, and sometimes, for a split second, you will stand on your own. Although the moment you realize it you drop down to your knees and crawl away.

You're so silly. You laugh so much, and so often. And your hearty little belly laughs are impossibly contagious. We just can't get enough.

Why you make a B-line for my bra every morning is beyond me. 

(it's usually on the bed as I'm getting dressed)

(I wasn't naked when I took this picture)

Your birthday was a total blast. We had both families over (about 19 people)! I ordered the template for your invitation from E.tsy and printed them at Cos.tco, I got the banner for your party with E.tsy as well! 

(Momma has no problems paying for convenience.) 

So happy with how this turned out!

Love this design, but it was supposed to say Happy 1st Birthday

I made your cake myself because, well, I take pride in preparing every ounce of food that goes into your little body. Since I haven't introduced you to Wheat yet, I made you a gluten free cake. (I've only held off on wheat because I'd like to limit the amount of processed foods I give her, not for any allergy concerns.) Anyway, I bought a gluten free cake mix, since I have no interest in investing in Rice and Tapioca Flours; and made a chocolate butter cream frosting from scratch. 

You ate two bites, and seemed mostly uninterested.

This will not always be the case. (I keep telling myself.) 

The mix provided plenty of batter so I poured some into an 8x8 pan with the intentions of cutting your piece into the shape of a 1. 

And poured the rest into a 5 inch round. 

 Which was good thinkin' cause the top part of the 1 broke off 

while I was frosting it. 

BULLOCKS.

Pretty happy with the other final product though...

This is what everyone else ate. I totally did not make it. 

Your first birthday present was a 4-in-1 Trike! You LOVE it. 

I had the best time decorating. My main objective was to take the focus away from the Christmas decorations. While the pictures don't really do it justice, 

I believe I was successful. 

A vase inside a vase, fill the larger one with gum balls!

 That is your "Birthday Tree" on the left.

Almost done, but I would like to close this post with 'A Mother's Prayer'. 

I did not write it. It is more eloquent and thoughtful than I could ever divine.

“First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty.

When the Crystal Meth is offered, may she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half; And stick with Beer.

Guide her, protect her when crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes, And not have to wear high heels. What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need not Lie With Drummers.

Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen. Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short – a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day – And adulthood is long, and dry-humping in cars will wait.

O Lord, break the Internet forever, that she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back. “My mother did this for me once,”she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.

Amen.”

-Tina Fey
(An Excerpt from her fabulous book, Bossy Pants)

Can't wait to see what the next YEAR brings!

Love you more than you'll ever know,

Momma

And I Lost It

I was stuffing Christmas card envelopes last weekend, when I suddenly and completely fell apart. I just burst in tears. A wave of gratitude and I guess... relief; just bowled me over.

Relief that my darkest days are behind me.  

It's been years since we've sent out cards. In fact it was only three short years ago that I couldn't bring myself to open any of the cards we received, or even get a tree for that matter. 

Throughout our IF journey, Christmas has been particularly painful. (obviously, I know we weren't alone there.) It only reminded me of everything we didn't have. 

But Christmas wasn't really the culprit, the truth is I was a complete and udder train wreck for most of the last four years. It wasn't until the last few months that I have really made the time to reflect on where I was. Part of me thinks I've been too afraid to fully digest how bad things really were. It consumed and effected every part of my life. I let it. I guess you could say I was the poster child for 'leaning into it'. But I don't think I could have done it any differently. That is just how I function. I have to breathe things in, and really feel them in order to process the situation. Boy did I ever. And it was abysmal. 

But now? 

Now, I am obscenely, unabashedly happy. All the time. Sure I've been in a mood from time to time, but truly 98% of the time I am grinning from ear to ear. But I will never forget how lucky I am. And how so many of you, including some very dear friends that I have met through this community, whom are still fighting a very brave fight. Thank Gawd I found this community. THANK YOU, UNIVERSE, FOR BRINGING THESE WONDERFULLY AMAZING BRILLIANT COMPASSIONATE GENEROUS WOMEN INTO MY LIFE. 

**** I wrote this post a few days before the Newton Tragedy. Even the word tragedy feels like an atrocious understatement. I read one of the first reports that came out about it and not a single thing more. I stayed away from facebook. I couldn't watch or listen to the news. What happened... destroyed me. I felt physically ill. I was in tears on and off throughout the weekend, clutching my daughter. Shaking my head as I bit my lower lip trying to keep myself from completely losing my shit, again and again. I don't even know how to process what happened. All I can do is pray for those beautiful little babies, and all of the victims, and their families. This has to stop. IT JUST HAS TO.  

Oh Hey, I Quit My Job

Say WHAAA?

Yep. Quit. Quit. Quit.

I gave my notice back in October, but I offered to stay long enough to hire and train a new person. My last day with my current company will be December 19th... It's bananas. I've been with this company for over seven years. And I've had a job for the last eighteen, plus. 

BUT. 

What an amazing opportunity I have before me. And I am so ridiculously proud of and grateful for my husband who is making it possible. He's done an amazing job building his business and we're at the beginning of seeing it start to pay off. I'm not going to lie, it's still going to be tricky financially. It will require a lot of tweaking to our budget, but I have already made the bulk of the adjustments already. It's scary to rely solely on my husband's business, since I have always been the one to bring in the steady check and Health Insurance. But we are both prepared for the sacrifices ahead. And we know they will be so fricken worth it.

I'm going to be a SAHM!!!! 

Eleven Months

Dearest Leah,

YOU are Eleven Months now! This past month has been beyond amazing because you have made so many huge accomplishments – your dad and I consider our minds Officially. Blown.

Early in the month you began waving hello and good bye. Which is obscenely adorable because it’s more like a flap, than a wave. But it was so cool to see the first time you really understood what it meant. You were waving bye-bye as Daddy drove away in his truck! And yes, I cried. 

Sitting up in the shopping cart like a big girl!

Halloween was a hoot. We gathered a few of your future BFF's and we partied hardy until 6:30pm! Which was a little passed your bed time, but you did just fine. Until Day Light Savings started and that totally screwed with your sweet little mind. For a week straight you were up at 5am. NOT A HAPPY MOMMA. So we pushed your schedule back an hour and you adapted quite well. Now you stay up till 7pm, right after the Seinfeld reruns are over! (not that either of us get to watch them)

We also celebrated your very first Thanksgiving! The thankfulness took place at your Great Grandma Marjorie's house. Great Grandpa was there of course, too. It was so much fun to watch you with the entire family. You played hard, and then ate dinner with everyone. Not too much of your food ended up on the carpet...

Can't decide if you look more like Silvio Dante or Robert De Niro here...

(not exactly the perfect background but the sentiment is there)

Pulling yourself up onto furniture peeked your curiosity and quickly lead to you being brave enough to move along the furniture, and figure out how to lower yourself down to retrieve the items you’ve flung off of whatever surface you have pulled yourself up to.  And you can crawl faster than the speed of light! I think what cracks us up is how you’ve gotten the concept of “chase”. Except for when we start to chase you. As soon as you realize you are being chased you squeal and roll over on to your back and start giggling uncontrollably. Which makes us giggle uncontrollably. Game Over.

Speaking of giggling. There is one particular phrase that makes you absolutely lose your mind. And we have no idea why. But you literally get this guttural laugh that makes me almost pee my pants. You laugh so hard that you eventually go silent and just shake with hilarity. The phrase is “bless you”. I said it one time after you sneezed, and you got this huge smile on your face. So I kept doing it. And it still works now at any time. It’s almost like instead of 'Bless You' I said “ You are sooooo good looking!" And you totally got it. 

Because you are your mother's daughter. 

You are starting to babble quite a bit more. Making "mehm-mehm-mehm" sounds and "geh-geh-geh" (Giggidy, anyone?) Of course I am praying to hear a MA-MA, but realize it doesn't mean anything until YOU actually know what it means. P.S. Since I started writing this you have now added "Dah-dah-dah" "Buh-buh-buh" to your repertoire.

Every single day with you is more amazing than the last. I love watching you play, and sleep, and crawl. I love the way you look exactly like your daddy when you first wake up in the morning.  Every time you laugh it's almost as magical as hearing your heartbeat for the first time. You are our world. And we love you so very much.

Can't wait to see what the next month brings!

Love,

Momma

Happy Holidays! No One Cares What You Think.

TIffany-Amber Thiessen(!) I've been meaning to post something here! But I have been all sorts of busy being an asshole, and ruining peoples lives. Evidently. And also drafting brilliant posts in my head, but never quite making it to my laptop. 

So the asshole thing, let me elaborate...

I have a secret talent.  Well maybe it's only a secret if you've never actually met me. Which is most of you.  So here it is; I have the ability to make my good intentions make me look like an asshole. 

I'm not even really sure where to start with this, but I'll bet you guessed it probably has something to do with my inlaws. And you'd be right!

I basically asked her and the family to only buy one gift for Leah's Birthday and Christmas combined. (Her birthday is three days before Christmas) Because she is tiny and doesn't need much, and we don't have a big house to store tons of crap and I didn't want people going bananas. Oh, and also there are at least thirteen, 13 I SAY, immediate family members buying for her this year. Not including Brian and I.

But apparently that makes me a controlling asshole.

Because of the push-back I got, I ended up consulting a few veteran Mommy friends. They both completely understood my position, had attempted to set similar ground rules themselves at some point, but ultimately realized it wasn't worth the headache of trying to manage other peoples gift giving. 

As one of them put it: "Smile and nod, then Return, Re-gift, or Donate."

So I conceded. Reluctantly.

But you can fully expect an 'I Told You So' Post on December 26th, by the way. Complete with photographic evidence. 

My final thought is this: I can completely understand the excitement from family wanting to buy gifts for the new baby. But was I wrong to presume a little more respect for my request as her parent? I didn't tell anyone what to buy, just requested that it only be one item...