16 Months

Dearest Leah,

You continue to be the brightest part of my day, but I'll admit, you're starting to become a bit challenging. While I encourage your curiosities and propensity to question authority, I kind of umm, I don't like it. Partly because I worry too much about your safety, and partly because I am really tired already of say No! and PLEASEDON'TTOUCHTHAT (it reads exactly like it sounds coming out of my mouth). But mostly, it's the idea that I probably have another three plus years of those two phrases... Ahh well. You're too stinking cute to be annoyed for long at all.

You really do not like loud noises. Daddy sneezing, blenders, but most notably public toilets and hand dryers. You start to cry if the shopping cart so much as points towards the general vicinity of the restrooms at costco.  

You really, really hate it.

Another of your immense dislikes are the swings at the park. This, I did not see coming. But you literally shake and cry if we try to put you in them or even attempt to swing with you on our lap. But we'll keep trying every few weeks or so.

We've been working on your eating skills, specifically eating with a spoon. Since you've been feeding yourself since 7 months, you are great with your hands, but you seem puzzled by the spoon. 

I help you scoop some food up, and you can get the spoon in your mouth just fine. But you still aren't sure how the food gets on the spoon. And you'll keep putting the spoon back in your mouth even if there is no more food on it. And like everything else you do, it's pretty adorable. 

You chatter like a little spider monkey, and most recently have picked up saying Dada, and Yeah. The important thing is that you really know what Dada means, but you usually just say DA! And now you've started to cal me DA! And while I know you know Mama, I don't really mind because we're both your parents. And either way, there is an inflection of affection behind the way you say it. 

And I love that. 

 Leah and DA!

Leah and other DA!

You love walking up and down our street, and most importantly up the three stairs on our porch. We usually spend a good ten minutes a day on the stairs alone.

I want you to know, that every morning I wake up excited to see you. To think about what the day will have in store... The moment I open the door to your room, your smell wafts right into my face, and I can't help but smile. You're going to think we're nuts, but sometimes your dad and I will bring one of the two blankets you use and take turns smelling it before bed. And most of the time we sleep with it. I know, it sounds crazy. 

But we just can't get enough of you. 

Can't wait to see what the next month brings.

Love, Momma

Contributing To NIAW

I know my voice here isn't as loud as it used to be. But the good news is I've been able to make it heard on Face.book. There were several years during NIAW, that I felt shame for not feeling like I could speak out about our infertility. To tell our friends and family about what was going on, and be an advocate for myself and the others who were struggling. I don't remember when or what my first post about IF was on FB, but I do recall tiptoeing in and that it really wasn't very long ago. Although now I'm pretty much a certified loudmouth an online Billboard for advocacy.  

While I haven't kept up on the daily posts on FB about NIAW, I have commented and liked all of 'my sister's' posts. But today, something made me stop what I was doing, and get this up:

This was the post by Jennepper, that I shared. (She's the f'ing bomb.) I got a few comments, and likes, which I'll admit, I stalked to see who and how many likes I'd get. But then I got this message from a friend:

"Hey there! Just wanted to say how much I appreciate these posts about IF. I've always had a really hard time talking about it (still do), but the things you've posted and blogs that you've introduced me to really help to normalize things and help me feel supported. As I'm sitting here in B's (our acupuncturist) waiting room - who I truly believe played a huge part in us having J (their daughter) - I wanted to say thank you! For putting me in touch with her, for knowing what we're going thru, and for being so courageous to share. Hope you guys are well! Would love a play date soon!"

(I believe she and her husband did two fresh IVF cycles before I referred her to my Acu lady, then she got pregnant on their next transfer. Not sure if it was fresh or frozen.)

It's funny, but I'd forgotten about the overwhelming guilt and shame I harbored, until I got her message. And thinking about it all just made me reflect on how bad things were for a while, how good they are now, and how grateful I am to have made it out with merely a few flesh wounds. Not that you're ever really out, but I have to believe the worst is over. I just have to.

Anyway, I wanted to share that note because it was validating in so many ways. And I'm grateful to my friend for writing it. Even if I am the only one she can ever say that to. And so for right now, I am her voice. Just like many were for me, when I couldn't speak for myself.

It's Coming

My weekend away with Brian. And away from Leah. 

Blaaaaarrrg.

Two very different sets of emotions. On one hand I'm a little giddy, packing nighties and dresses (which I'm not totally accustom to wearing) to look nice for my wonderful hubby, and enjoying the fact that I won't have to worry about getting diaper cream, snot, milk, or avocado on any of them.  All the while contemplating self inflicted injuries, illnesses and circumstances which would prevent me from leaving the house/my daughter.

I feel edgy. Anxious. Borderline fearful. 

I KNOW.

SHE WILL BE FINE.

But NO ONE can do my job, the way I do it. 

And that is how I want it done.

When I first posted about this you all commented about how the days leading up to it would be the hardest. And damn it, you're so right. So when I read your words I made a mental note to be especially kind to myself this week. And watch for the crazy to creep in. But it caught me anyway. I've been what you might call, difficult, all week. (There were some outside factor s too). But mostly, I've been cranky. Unreasonably cranky. 

I decided after all that I will go with Brian the full two and a half days. We leave Friday around noon. And return Sunday afternoon...

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this...

Right?

Poster Child For Change

I don't know any other way to say this. Cliche's be damned. 

I have a new found respect for life.  

It's not that I didn't have a healthy one before, honestly nothing has made my own mortality more apparent than becoming a mother. But I have another level of appreciation for the biological side of it. For my body and just how much time I may or may not have in it. 

And I want to take better care of it. 

As you know I started losing weight again about 8 weeks ago.  Almost 13lbs down in that time. Not too shabby. While I obviously failed at not using food to cope with the stress of my biopsy, I still feel like fundamentally I am learning more about what foods are best for my body. 

I'm working to consume more whole foods. Proteins especially, grains, fruits and veggies. And eliminating processed stuff like breads and pastas. As much as I love them them so.  It's not about the carbs, I eat rice, oatmeal, and quinoa (and fruit). It's just the processed stuff. So far it's going well. 

I was able to lose the bulk of the weight strictly by diet, but two weeks ago Brian and I started working with a personal trainer. No, we can't afford it. But we're not actually paying for it. The trainer is a tenant in the building behind Brian's office, and he asked Brian if we would be interested in trading services. We said hell to the yes, and he's been kicking our asses ever since. 

The bummer part is that I've actually gained weight, but I know this is due to the strengthening of muscles, (sore muscles retain water, muscle is heavier than fat...) Yada yada. I've lost an inch around my waist and an inch around each thigh, but it's tough to feel successful when my progress used to be based on what the scale said each week. And ohmyhell am I constantly sore. Anyway, our trainer is great. But I think he is trying to kill us. He really only works with Athletes, so he doesn't really understand our level of "doughiness", if you will. I am overweight, and Brian is just out of shape... This guys got his work cut out fort him!

Wish us luck. :) 

The Call.

My doctor called early this evening. The ringer on my phone has been on the loudest setting since I left the clinic yesterday. But the phone was in my hand when it rang. And though she told me the results would likely be in Thursday or Friday, the instant I saw the number I knew it was her. 

Dr. B: Hi, Is this Melissa?
Me: Yes?
Dr. B: Hi Melissa it's Dr. B, I have some terrific news for you. 
Me: Uncontrollable sobbing....

The calcifications were 100% benign. 

I asked her several Questions:

Is this cluster a precursor to developing Breast Cancer? No. Benign Microcalcifications are not dangerous. But they should be monitored.

Is this linked to the hormones I took during IVF? In her 20+ years of experience, she has not personally seen a link between women who took fertility drugs and Breast Cancer. She is aware of the research being conducted regarding the two, but would not agree conclusively.

Does this mean I should avoid another pregnancy? (we still have the one frozen embie we were planning to transfer in the next year or two) This, I forgot to ask. I was kind of a mess, and missed this question.... I will either call her back, or check with someone else.


How soon should I get my next Mammogram? You should be monitored annually for several years.

We had a lengthy conversation, but I only remember that it put me at ease. I thanked her for the comfort and support she and her staff provided. 

The last three weeks, and the last five days in particular have brought a whirlwind of fears. And I'm not afraid to tell you that I let my mind travel to the darkest corners. I assumed the worst. It's almost hard to believe still. 

I am just so incredibly grateful.



*Also, I updated my last post to include more detail about the biopsy.

Biopsy'ed

So as best I can tell, my appointment went pretty well yesterday. But, I will say my anxiety about the whole thing got the best of me. I pretty much ate my feelings all day, and while I was sitting in the waiting room I damn near passed out from the pressure of it all. At one point, as much as I wanted to get it all over with I actually prayed that I wouldn't be the next one called because I was genuinely concerned about having to stand up and walk down the hallway. Deep breathes seemed to be of little help. I finally text and begged Brian and Teresa to play their moves on Words With Friends so I could distract myself. 

That finally helped a little.

The staff there is really nice, the radiology tech put her arm around me and rubbed my back while she walked me down the hallway and explained how it would all go.

This is the table I was on. Basically you lie face down on the table over a big hole that your boob hangs out of. In this case, it was my right side, so I turned and faced the wall (my head on the right side of the table, feet on the left). The tech I mentioned before helped me to get as comfortable as possible. Strategically placing folded towels to cushion my ribs and elbow from un-padded points on the table. Even brushing my hair back from my face.

Once they had me where I needed to be, I closed my eyes and began to meditate. Trying my best to breathe into each chakra.  It was difficult. I was pretty uncomfortable, and just generally uneasy. I can't remember how edit the pictures to add arrows but if you look under the table you can see the wall type thing and metal plate in which they use to compress and contain your breast.  They then raise the table so that your boob is about eye level for the tech and doctor. Which means I was about three feet away from the ceiling. 

I'm not claustrophobic, but that certainly did not help matters. 

Once they have you and your boob and place, they take x-rays to determine where the calcification's are and where they need to angle the needle. In my case, the shortest distance was through the side of my boob. The doctor places a topical numbing agent, then a local to numb your entire boob. The tech explained what the doctor was doing while rubbing my back. She also brought me a warm blanket to help relax me. The procedure itself is very quick, it's the set up that take FOR.EV.ER. *I did not confirm this with the doctor or tech, but they warned me that I was going to hear a noise, then feel a thud. I'm pretty sure the thud was the Biopsy needle being thrust into my breast, all done by a machine.* After the sample is removed, they xray it to make sure there are calcifications in it. Then they get you up and do another mammogram. Apparently the needle that removes the sample also leaves a marker that can be seen on xrays. So they take another shot to show where the sample was taken from.

So here is an xray of my boob. The camera on my iPhone is not really equipped to take photos of xrays, because it appears much brighter than in person. For reference the very white areas are really just dense breast tissue but it's a little blurred. Under magnification you can see the calcifications which show as tiny, brighter dots. The circled area is where the calcification was/is.

They bandaged me up and stuffed a cold pack in my bra. Told me take some Tylenol when I got home. Except I didn't go home. See yesterday was one of the days I work with Brian in the office. So I went to work in the morning, then he took me to the appointment and we went back to work afterwards. I liked that it fell on a work day, so I wouldn't have to explain to my MIL why I needed a sitter, and why I wouldn't be able to physically pick up Leah for 24 hours. It's just not information I want to share with her yet... 

So yes, Brian went with me to the appointment, but the room was a little too small to have him in there for the procedure.  After that he took me out for ice cream. Which was his suggestion and really just very sweet and thoughtful.  (oh, and when I say went back to work, I mean surfed the Internet and iced my boob.)

By the time we got home last night I was EXHAUSTED. I think the anxiety of it all just plain wiped me out. Today I feel fine, but my boob is very tender and the area sore. It feels like someone whacked it with a Tire Iron. No bruising to speak of yet. I can tell that the stress of it all is still getting to me because I noticed hives this morning. And as if hives weren't bad enough, I always get them on my butt first. NO idea why, but you're welcome for that little gem. 

So I'm hoping to hear back by Friday. Also hoping that I can manage to keep my shit together until then.  I also clearly need to distract myself from the whole thing, because I am shaky again just writing about it. Blehhh.

Thanks again for all of your sweet comments and prayers. 

I really truly appreciate them.

*Added by request, per comment!*

15 Months!

Dearest Leah,

Please forgive me for the lapse in getting your letters published. I have been keeping notes, but not finishing my posts... But let's get back to you! You, are fricken amazing. And brilliant, and hilarious, and silly, and sweet, and curious. And you just make every day better. 

You are walking everywhere and getting pretty darn good at it. Although you still sometimes resort to crawling when you want to get somewhere fast. You're also climbing (thanks dada). This is not my favorite accomplishment, but you look so darn proud of yourself when you get up on the couch, it's hard not to be happy for you. In fact you initiate applause as soon as you're able to sit up on the cushion. 

You in the front yard, during a surge of 70 degree Spring weather

At your 15 month check up, you weighed 21 pounds, 15 ounces which puts you in the 61st percentile for weight. And measuring 32 & 1/4 inches puts you in the 95th percentile for height. (No surprise there!) Dr. P said you're doing wonderfully, and to keep up the great work.

While you're super chatty you only have a few actual words that you say. The most common is "Nom-nom" when you're hungry or thirsty. If you're upset and you want me, we hear "mamamamam", in a decidedly desperate and whiny tone. And sometimes when we look out the front window you'll point to where daddy parks his truck and exclaim "DA!". The other two things you say most infrequently are "nigh-nigh", I say that each night when I turn off the little fish lamp on your dresser, right before I put you to bed. Then, while it's not really a word, you seem to have a sound that you use to point out cats and dogs. It sounds like "Gih-Gee", we call them kitty or doggie, so you're close! Our next door neighbor has a cat named Mango, who likes to sit on our porch and clean himself or just survey the neighborhood. This inevitably makes you lose your mind. You love animals, and squeal with delight the very moment you recognize them. Fortunately, this doesn't even phase Mango, and he continues to sit there anyway, minding his own business. 

We went to the Oakland Zoo for my birthday, 

you were intrigued but not overly amused.

(Even when Daddy got in a mock Tortoise Shell)

You are currently getting over a cold, that you got from your dad. And now, I have it. It was a pretty rough cold, while you got away with a low-grade fever, you had a fairly mean cough to show for it. It kept you up a lot, and there were three nights in a row where I would set up camp in your room and recline the rocker so you could sleep on my chest to stay somewhat elevated. Honey to coat your throat and Benadryl to help you sleep proved very useful. It might sound silly but I loved every second you slept on my chest. It broke my heart that you were sick, but I loved comforting and snuggling you.

You still use socks as a 'Lovey', for some reason. There are socks all over the house, though seldom are we able to find their mates. I don't really care though, cause it's pretty fricken cute in my opinion.  It appears as though you might be telling me where you'll put that sock if I don't get the camera out of your face soon. So I did. 

Over all my love, you are growing and thriving, and getting smarter every day. Witnessing this is the most amazing gift I could ever ask for. You're Dad and I continue to be more and more grateful each day. 

Can't wait to see what the next month brings!

Love, Momma

Taking It All In and Blocking It Out

My title makes me think of Kevin Nealon in Happy Gilmore: "Harness Good, Block Bad"... Anyway.

Thank you all for your comments/thoughts and prayers and texts, in some cases. They really meant a lot. 

I was pretty down when I wrote that post, and was feeling helpless and terrified. I tend to wallow in things, to breathe them in for processing. But I didn't want to do that this time. Still I jumped on Doctor Google, and for once he put my mind at ease. If there are cancer cells, it will indeed be very early stage and it can be sucessfully treated. Which made me feel a bit better. 

So I have mostly just been trying to keep my mind off of it. My biopsy is Tuesday, and Brian will be going with me. They will give me a local to numb the area, and from start to finish it should be about 90 minutes. I'll need to take it easy for 24 hours, meaning no lifting Leah. I should expect tenderness for a few days and bruising for a few weeks. They will send the Biopsy to Pathology, and I should have the results within 72 hours. Which means, I should have them before next weekend. Nice to know I won't have to wait too long. 

I think the questions that keep running through my head are: 

Is this linked to the hormones I took during IVF?

Does this mean I should avoid another pregnancy? (we still have the one frozen embie we were planning to transfer in the next year or two)

Does the concentration of calcification put me at higher risk to develop Breast Cancer?

If they are pre-cancerous or even cancer cells, does getting them at such a young age (34) mean I am at a higher risk to develop more in the future?

To Be Continued...

Inconclusive

I had a sinking feeling from the very beginning that I wouldn't get the all clear from my Mammogram. They found "A concentration of calcification" and they "want to rule out anything abnormal". I should preface this with exactly what the doctor told me. That 80-85% of the time it turns out to be nothing. But the other 15-20% finds either pre-cancerous cells, or early stage cancer.

My appointment was this morning. They had me scheduled for a mammogram and a breast ultrasound. They told me the appointment would run about an hour and fifteen minutes or so. Within 15 they had me in the room and undergoing the mammogram. I thought it seemed odd when several of the other women I had come in before, had already come and gone. Then the technician came back and told me we needed to take some more pictures. And my heart sank. After they got the extra shots they immediately took me back for the u/s and the technician did her thing (they of course, can't tell you anything) and when she finished she didn't tell me to get dressed. She said to stay put and that the doctor would be right in. The tech noticed me trembling and brought back a warm blanket, while I starred blankly at the ceiling.

When the doctor came in she was smiling and very perky. Which at the very least distracted me for a moment. She said "Okay, you look terrified so let me first say.... I did not see anything in your xrays that screamed CANCER, or anything big bad and scary. What I did see was a concentration of calcification." She went on to tell me that I would need a "Stereo-tactic Core Needle Biopsy". She said that she had had one herself and it turned out to be nothing, she does them on a dailly basis and most of the time they are nothing. I asked her to clarify, if it is SOMETHING, what's next. She said it could be pre-cancerous, which is technically not even cancer. Or it is in the very, very early stages of cancer. 

I know that the odds are descent that all of this will in fact be fine. But I can't help but feel terrified and completely out of control.  My immediate thoughts go to anger and death. The anger part of me says "FUCK YOU CANCER, and immediately makes me want to sign up for a double mastectomy with reconstructive surgery. And the other part says, I cannot leave my daughter and husband.  I cannot fill her early years with me in the hospital, and sickness. What the fuck???? I don't mean to come off dramatic, I am just really really scared. The doctor was the head of the department and she will be doing the biopsy herself. She was really nice and very clear about how scary it feels. How the next few days might be rough ones. She said the worst part is right now, when you have no answers. And I thought, Fuck, I know. I've been there before...

At Ease... For Now.

Thank you all for your thoughtful and informative comments on my last post. They have certainly put me at ease for the moment. I had really started to freak myself out with all of the worst case scenario thoughts. The more I read your comments, the more I recall reading how much your breasts change post pregnancy/breast feeding, and your body in general...

While my cycles have been normal since getting my period back in October, my PMS is totally off the grid. I used to get cripplingly sore breasts (for 7-10 days before and during!), lower back pain and a migraine on CD1. In that order. Now, I am sad to say, I turn into a big bag of crazy the day of. Rage being the primary emotion. And it appears that only chocolate can appease the monster. I'm a walking, talking, screaming fricken cliche... But hey, at least I got to keep the migraines! Wait... Oh, and now I get cramps, which blows on top of all that. Why am I telling you this? I decided to write about it instead of screaming it from a roof top with a hostage. So much less work.

Anyhoo, quick thing about the email comments on my last post. I understand the laws for HIPPA regarding medical info. I really just meant that I wish she could have emailed the Mammogram and u/s requisitions. The nurses with my RE used to email my blood test req forms all the time. Would have been nice to have them the day of, instead having to wait a week for them via snail mail.  So I got the req's in the mail yesterday, and my appointment is next Friday.  They told me to allow 2 hours for the whole appointment. I will also be doing routine blood work, so I'm thinking of heading there early and treating myself to a nice breakfast downtown, in between the two appointments. 

Stay Tuned...

Annual Panic

Last week I went in for my annual exam. The midwife I used for Leah's delivery is on sabatical, so I went back to my old OB's office. Yes, the OB I left due to personality conflict. The main reason is because his office works with Dr. 3's office, and when we do our FET (at some point) we'll need to go through them for testing. Annnnd I don't actually have to see my OB, I can work with the Head Nurse Practitioner, whom I adore. She really held our hands through the first few weeks of my pregnancy after Dr. 3 released us. Doppler checks and peace of mind/elective ultrasounds. She kept us sane. And also, she got pregnant after I referred her to my Acupuncturist. (PCOS/MTHFR/MFI) So I feel a kinship of sorts with her... So you can see why I was oddly looking forward to my annual exam and PAP.

I was greeted with a squee and a hug, just as I presumed. We chatted about our babies, motherhood, and how other people are idiots. My three favorite topics. As my exam went on, I mentioned this odd shooting pain I'd noticed recently in my right breast. It's not terribly painful, it's just a little peculiar, and it gets my attention. I have been doing regular self-exams, but my milk ducts are still quite prevalent so I'm having some difficultly discerning... differences. She could feel my ducts as well, but wasn't sure she could find anything of concern. Still since Breast Cancer runs in my family and we've done an IVF cycle, she opted to send me in for a Mammogram and an u/s. 

My first Mammogram.

I have several reasons to believe that it is nothing. One, the timing of this peculiar pain correlates with a new exercise regimen. The shooting sensation may be an area with distressed tissue due to that fact. Two, all of the research I've done regarding "lumps" is not consistent with the textures I have felt. Though I have suspicion they may be cysts or fibroids (pleaseGodplease). Also, Leah uses my girls a lot for leverage and I wonder if there has been a specific trauma that I forgot about. 

But there is a small part of me that is absolutely, positively terrified. I've yet to do any research on what to expect for mammograms, anyone interested in sharing their experiences?

(I haven't got an appointment yet. We got so busy chatting that she forgot to give me the paperwork and instead it's being mailed to my house. #Whythefuckdon'tmoreregulardoctorsuseemail??? )

On Ingoring Priorities

I have been thinking about this for many months. Probably even since the day we brought Leah home. Guardianship. If some tragedy were to befall Brian and I, we don't have anything in place from a legal standpoint to instruct our loved ones on our final wishes. Would putting it here on my blog count? 

This post is inspired by Josey's contribution to this months PAIL topic. While I didn't officially sign up for it (I missed the deadline because I didn't read about it until after),  I feel like it's an important topic. Not only to bring to peoples attention, but to put it here in writing as means to remind myself to get my shit together, and protect our daughter the best way we can. So here it goes:

Do you have a will? When did you draw it up and what sorts of things did you decide on with regard to guardianship?

No. No, we don't have a will yet. At one point I did a basic Advance Directive on a legal website for myself. Which basically said "please pull the pug if there is no chance of recovery, donate my organs, and my stuff should be distributed accordingly"...yada yada. But we haven't done a thing since Leah's been born. And it definitely crosses my mind on a regular basis. Especially with all the bizarre thoughts about death that I am STILL having.

But, at the very least, we have asked our dear friends, my sister for all intents and purposes; Teresa and her husband. Brian's parents are wonderful, and we know Leah would be well taken care of. But neither are in perfect health, and both are close to their 70's. Teresa and her husband are our age and have three children. And we feel confident that they would most certainly keep Brian's and my philosophy's and principles in mind while raising her and helping her make the best decisions. And also we feel they could not only handle it, but would value and enjoy having her.

Where do you live? Are you in a house you hope to stay in for years? A city you’re desperate to escape? Are you farther than you’d like to be from family (or, ahem, too close for comfort)?

Right now, we are in house we purchased in 2006, in the San Francisco Bay Area. And I'm pretty sure Brian and I will not only stay in this house, but will most likely die here. Which I guess is why we're talking about all this. Not that I think the house will kill us. I digress... It's a 3 bed, and 1 TEENYTINY bath. We have pipe dreams of adding a master bath one day. If we were to have another child, we could certainly turn the third room in the house, now currently a home office, into a bedroom. But if by chance we had another girl, I wouldn't mind if they shared a room.

We love the bay area, and most of our immediate family lives within 30 miles. I know, we're pretty lucky.... So we will most likely always live here. But we definitely have aspirations of retiring on the central coast - Goleta/Santa Barbara area. I digress, again.

Does the size of your world match your family’s needs (ie, do you need a bigger car or a house with an additional bedroom if you have another child)? 

Right now, our world can definitely accommodate the size of our family. And I can't see that having another child would change that. Besides, it would be too expensive to move, and we certainly wouldn't be able to buy another house due to circumstances surrounding the purchase of our house. And the fact that we bought it right before the 2007 housing crash, so we are totally underwater on it. And we have a CRV. Which is compact, but we could get by with it. 

What about the details, like “my sister would be the guardian for our son but she has no idea what he likes to eat for breakfast”? 

I can't say that this is anything I fret about. Leah would be fine. She's so little now, that preferences are kind of arbitrary. And Brian's Mom would still be a part of Leah's life and no doubt be helpful with the details. Plus, there will be particular things we plan to outline in our will. Like traditions we'd like to continue, and how I want my jewelry to be given to her. ( One piece for each significant occasion - 13th, 16th, 18th, 21st Birthdays; Graduations; Wedding...) 

Do you have other safety nets in place, like life insurance?

This is one question I can answer with certainty and peace of mind. Yes, we have life insurance. It's not a crazy amount, but enough to make sure we'd each be comfortable in case one of us passes. It would pay off our mortgage, and leave enough to put Leah through college. As well as covering living expenses for a while. And Leah would definitely be taken care of if we were both gone.  Which I believe makes it more comfortable for her guardians as well. 

What about those complicated questions, like the fate of your frozen embryos if something happens to you? 

Oooh, this is tricky. Right now, legally, if something were to happen to both of us it would be donated to science. But is it weird that I kind of want to give it to Leah? I know that must sound bizzare, I would feel comfortable with her deciding what to do with it. I also wouldn't mind leaving it to Teresa and her husband. I wouldn't mind if she transferred it, and carried so that Leah could have a sibling. But I also wouldn't mind if it went to another couple who needed it. Certainly something Brian and I need to revisit.

Ugh, the crappy stuff you have to think of as an adult... 

Catching Up

Wooowee, am I far behind on updates! Bullet Points anyone?

Blogaversary - My FIFTH blogaversary was January 31st. I still cannot believe I have managed to keep this going for so long - consecutively. I am always thankful for all of my bloggy friends and all the support I have found in this community.

2x4 - As in my current ass measurement. I started back on the ol' Dub-Dub last week. (Weight.Watchers). I find that the fourth time around I am able to do most of the Points (calorie counting) without actually signing up for it. I found an app for my phone that calculates points the same way WW does. And based on my history I know what range of points I should be within. So I'm exercising regularly again and counting my points. Friday is my first weigh in and since I'm not actually paying for their services, I get to weigh myself neked in my own bathroom. Surprisingly, I can feel a difference already. Even if it's just bloat that I've lost thanks to the metric shit ton of water I've been drinking. I'm just so ready to get my body back. -25lbs is my goal, but ideally I'd like to go for 35. We'll see what I can manage. And barring a second pregnancy, I'd like to hope this is the last time I'll have 25 - 35 to loose. 

I always felt like I needed the accountability of paying someone, and going in to get weighed in order to be successful. But since I'm opting for the free route, I will keep a ticker here (on your right) to help keep me in line. 

Leah - My amazing baby girl. She is so great. I am going to continue to post monthly updates for her. I have last months drafted, I just need to finish and post it. Same with this months, for that matter. Originally I was just planning to do the monthly's for her first year, but going back to read them all I realized  how much I quickly forgot. So I feel like it's important to track it all. 

Blogging in general - I want to keep up on it. I love it. I have been a horrendous commenter as of late though. In fact, I'm a little ashamed of how little I've been commenting. If you are still reading and/or commenting, I love you, and I am going to work on commenting back!

Stay Tuned!

Getting My Crap Together

Or not. 

I really hate to admit this, but I drastically underestimated the weight of the transition of becoming a SAHM. Emotionally and dynamically with me and my marriage. It's been really hard. And I did not see that coming. 

Apparently have you to be, like, tremendously self motivated and stuff. There is most certainly a Busy Bee side to me, but being busy and organized should really go hand in hand. And well organized, I am not. Which has become disturbingly clear since taking on this new role. I am currently looking into a program called Motivated Mom's which helps you keep on task and make sure you get all your goals accomplished each day. And by "looking into" I mean, I've had a tab open on the same browser window of the web page for like two weeks. But haven't really gotten around to doing anything with it...

I can stay busy, but getting all of my goals accomplished each day rarely seems to happen. Example: I will start cooking Leah's food for the next few days while she is down for a nap. In the middle of it, I'll notice the spice cabinet is a little messy. So I start cleaning and purging (please, at least one person out there say you know where I'm going with this) then all of a sudden I hear Leah chattering, it's three hours later, the house is a wreck and I have nothing for Brian and I for dinner. BUT the spice cabinet is clean! So suck on that!

Also it's just been a strange transition for Brian and I. I have been working since I was 15. So I've technically had a job longer than I haven't.  (been working for almost 19 years - I'm almost 34 - get it?)  So it's weird not to be earning anything, or not to be productive in a traditional sense - meaning the definition of being 'productive' has drastically changed and I don't know how to handle it. I think I also worry too much about what other people think about this role. Not just mine, but the SAHM label in general. Let me clarify a few things; I'm not hung up on the money part. Brian and I have had a joint account since day one. And there was a long period of time where I made more, and supported the household while Brian was in the transition of leaving his job and building his business. But I never thought of it as being the sole earner then. I would deposit my paycheck and it was like: here is this money for us. Yada Yada. And while raising a child and staying at home with them, has always been a dream and a goal for both of us. It's just a really big change and I'm still not even sure I can put my finger on what the big problem is exactly. 

I think in someways, Brian is struggling with the weight of being a sole provider on an unsteady income. He makes basically the same every month, but it is completely dependent upon his ability to keep the clients coming in. Anyone can see that is an assload of pressure. And so it seems that he technically works hard than me. Not to say that I don't work hard, or that I don't have tough days, but they are different. I have a lot more freedom, but I technically never get time off. I have not and will not ever speak for Brian, but my thoughts are that he struggling with the pressure and is a wee bit envious of my free time. Meanwhile I don't want the so called freedom to underrate what it is I do, just because there isn't a check for me to show that proves my worth. Did I tell you about the spice cabinet? Is anybody listening? Am I making a lick of sense? 
I have no idea...

Anyway, sorry for having been MIA. I have a lot of posts to finish and publish. I just need to sit down and get them done. Right after I figure out how to get all my other shit done.... Le Sigh. 

My Mama Must-Have's

I have slowly been compiling a list of the things I found absolutely impossible to live without since becoming a mama. When I first went to register I had a full on melt down and had no idea where to begin. There were so many items that I hadn't even heard of. And I really wanted to avoid having a lot of STUFF. I didn't want every baby product on the market, or the latest trend. I just wanted things that would make Leah comfortable and my life easier. So I'm thinking maybe there are a few of you out there (hopefully expecting by whatever means) that may benefit from this. 

In case you hadn't noticed and am a total nobody, so I am no way being compensated, nor am I officially endorsing any of the following products. I just like them, and think you might too. 

Video Monitor - I never considered myself completely neurotic, until I had a newborn. Initially I didn't even think we needed a monitor. Our house is a about 1100 square feet. It's old and has no insulation, plus I have bionic hearing so I can hear pretty much anything coming from anywhere. (so much for privacy, ehhh?) But I will tell you that being able to peek in on her brought such peace of mind. Especially when we moved her out of our room from her bassinet. We purchased the Angel Care Video Monitor with the Motion Sensor pad. Now, I can't say I would invest the money in this exact brand again, because A. There are a lot of false alarms with the motion sensor - so much so that I have that function turned off 95% of the time. (Yes, I know you can adjust the sensitivity) B. For as much as the unit costs it doesn't come with any mounting hardware - I purchased a separate clamp assembly, then Brian built a little (white) bracket we mounted to the wall so we could perfect the view. Regardless it is worth the peace of mind to be able to see her whenever. 

(the temperature is not always accurate for us 

because it's right above a heater vent - 

worth it tho since we have a terrific view of her crib.)

{Yes she is sleeping with her legs up on the side of the crib}

Bumpkins Bibs - This is where I am brand loyal. These bibs are the bomb. We of course did Baby Led Weaning, so Leah has fed herself from day one. Which as you may or may not yet know, guarantees a big fricken mess. But I love it. Anyway, these bibs repel moisture and have a pocket to catch all the food that doesn't make it into her mouth or back onto the highchair tray. (a little tip, I also put a kitchen towel in her lap, under the bib so that residual food doesn't end up in her chair messing up her pants) Anyway, these bibs wash easily so I can rinse it off after her meal, then throw it on the dish-rack to dry before her next meal. So I only go through one bib per day instead of three. And they are large enough to cover her entire torso and shoulders! Which means her shirt always stays clean too. 

Shopping Cart Covers - I wouldn't put myself in the Germaphobe category, but Shopping Carts iz nasty.  I once did a test in my high school Biology class where we walked around with little cotton swabs then tested them for bacteria. And shopping carts had more bacteria than Garbage Cans. (but less than shoes; shoes were the WORST.) Anyhoo, on top of that Leah wasn't really able to sit up completely by herself until about 10 months, so having a big puffy cart cover was safer for her too. Definitely a must. 

Bassinet - I liked the idea of co-sleeping, but I couldn't sleep while she was in the bed with me. And in those early days, I needed all the quality sleep I could get. I LOVED having her next to me, I could peak over at her, and actually hear her breathing. Though I could also hear each little movement and peep she made, which usually woke me up - but still I loved her being right next to us. 

Multi purpose pads - I don't know if anyone uses them the same way I do. But I put them on top of the changing pad cover. They are absorbent and keep moisture from going to the material underneath. I actually bought them for our own mattress- I have three friends whose water broke while they were in bed. And I did NOT want that happening to me, but most importantly to my beloved Tempurpedic mattress. Anyhoo, they are life savers for the changing table. Especially when you are a rookie with diapers and are in the midst of newborn excrement. (It's really runny, and often leaks up their back)

Wipe Warmer - I know it sounds extravagant. But I like to think of it more as courtesy on our part. I just hated the idea of goosing my kid with a cold wipey at 3am...

Sound Machine - As you may or may not know yet. Infants are used to noise. The human body is noisy on the inside, and when they come out to the outside world, quiet can be distressing! So do pick up a sound machine. We used one in Leah's bassinet, and I got so used to it, that I bought another one (which we also use in the car) for myself. And I am somewhat embarrassed to admit that I use it every night. 

Sunglasses - Yet again, something that may sound extravagant. But I think of them more as an investment in her physical health rather than a fashion statement. We bought Baby Banz because they are lightweight and have polarized lenses. I have super sensitive eyes, and cannot bear to be outside without a good pair of shades. So I have assumed that Leah is possibly the same. Our pediatrician agreed!

Baby Carrier - I will be the first to admit it. I am a baby-wearing fool. And I love it. My wonderful bloggy pal, Shelby lent me her Moby wrap. I wore it on a daily basis for several months after I finally started to actually get out of the house. I loved it because it kept her so close to me, she could hear my heart beat and I always knew she was warm enough (winter baby and all), and it was so easy to get around. I wore it inside the house as well.  But as she became more alert (around 6 months) she stopped liking being tucked away. Made me very sad, but I switched over to a Baby Bjorn that we had received second hand. Which I loved as well. Leah took sometime getting her neck strong enough, so the bjorn worked great as I faced her in towards me. Then as she got stronger, I faced her out and she loved that too! Now she is too big for both and it makes me sad... We also received an Ergo Baby second hand, but Leah was not a fan of that one from the get go. 

Things I don't think are worth the money: 

Bedding - Maybe I'm alone here, but I wasn't into picking a theme for the nursery. Maybe it's because I didn't find out what we were having, but my contention was that I didn't want to slap an identity on the kid just yet. I want to wait and find out who our child is to become and see what s/he grows to love as they get older. Then when we transition to a big-girl bed, we'll let her pick a theme. But mostly, on a practical note; Bedding sets are fricken expensive. I didn't want anything with the fluffy bumpers - I chose a breathable set. $20 bucks. And a set of sheets can run anywhere between $10-20 bucks. Two-three sets, and you're good! I eventually purchased a bed skirt to dress it up (a purple one!) Still all of that ran well under $100. And I guess since I registered for it, I only paid for the bedskirt out of pocket. :)

Bum.bo - It seemed like everyone made a BFD about these, but we hardly used it. Leah was not a fan, and my other two friends whom had babies around the same time felt the same way. Get a used one, maybe.

Things I wish I had chosen more wisely:

High Chair - I had it in my head somehow that Highchairs were overpriced and overdone with features.   But I was wrong. DEAD wrong. We went with the Fisher. Pri.ce Space Saver . It's horrible. The tray is rickety and hard to get on, and the cushion that comes with it is a joke - you'd have to wash that thing everyday. I took it off and left it off. And now I regularly stalk craigstlist for decent priced gently used Boon, because I do believe they are where it's at. (Thanks to MTL for the recommendation!)

Diaper Bag - I know, this seems like a no brainer.  You'd think I would have given this a great deal of thought, but I think I picked one after a long evening of registering and just wanted to be done. I didn't want to cram 10lbs of shit into a 5lb bag. I wanted something simple. Unfortunately it seems in this realm of product, simple = virtually useless. I still use the bag. But every time I open it, I give a little sigh.  

Anyway, I'm sure I will find more to add here, but I hope this will be helpful to at least a few of you out there!

On Being Out

And about, that is.

Thank you all for your wonderfully sympathetic comments on my last post. They made me feel SO much better. 

Yesterday when I threw up my harried post, I was so frustrated from a lunch we had just come back from. Leah is still napping twice a day so my life is pretty segmented into what I can get done in-between. 

7am: Up for the day 
 - Bottle
8am: Breakfast
9am: Nap
10:30am: Up
- This is when I typically shower, though I prefer to try to do it around 6:30am most times the snooze button wins. Our bathroom is against her bedroom wall, and we have an old house with no insulation. So it's not ideal to shower while she is napping. I usually wait until right when she wakes up, or when I think she's slept long enough. She is really good, and will entertain herself in her crib for a good 20-30 minutes while I'm in there, I can usually get my hair dry by then too. 
11:30am - Lunch
12:30: Books & Bottle 
1:00: Nap
3:30-4:00: Up
4:00: Bottle
5:45: Dinner
6:30: Bath
7:00: Bottle & Bed

So the hour after her first nap is spent getting us both dressed and ready for the day, then it's lunch time and by the time she finishes I have about 30 minutes before I have to start winding down for her afternoon nap. Which doesn't leave a lot of time to do stuff outside the house.  When I really need to get something done, I'll give her a bottle in the car at her normal lunch time, then try to make it back home by 12:30 to do her regular lunch before her nap time rolls around again. 

Which is what I did Friday. I rushed out of the house at 10:45 to meet Brian at one of his job sites so I could see some of his work, then we went to lunch with a client of his. I was pretty clear about the timeline I was on, but since I spent the entire lunch wrangling her by myself - Brian was entrenched in conversation with his client (rightfully so); I didn't realize what time it as until she really started to fall apart. And then I fumed the whole way home about how I didn't even taste the food I inhaled, and wasn't able to participate in the conversation, and now she was overdue for lunch and dangerously close to nap time. (When she's overtired she doesn't eat well, and then she won't nap well because she's hungry) I had attempted to give her some avocado at the restaurant, but most of it ended up in her lap, or on the floor - Sorry Mr. Bus-Boy-man. 


Leah has absolutely zero attention span. So I could bring the entire inventory of toys from our house and she would still want to play with the wrapper from my straw or the salt and pepper shakers. She is a great eater normally but food becomes a nightmare outside the house.  She is either so fascinated by her surroundings that she doesn't eat, or she tries to eat but the food ends up in her lap because she's not paying any attention to getting it into her mouth. 


The thing is, I'm not mad at anyone. I'm not mad at Brian for spending the time with his client (whom is kind of a friend of ours and going through a rough time) and I'm certainly not mad at Leah for being so curious of everything. I was just exhausted and overwhelmed by how much energy I expended trying to keep her entertained and out of trouble in a crowded restaurant. And I'll admit, I was a little caught up in feeling self-conscious about what a poor job it appeared I was doing. Which I think made it worse... 

So I find myself conflicted with two schools of thought. 1. FUCK THAT SHIT, I'm not taking her with us again until she is old enough to understand that she needs to eat and can't get down; or can enjoy a toy or five that will hold her attention for at least 30 minutes. Because it's just not worth the stress. It's really not. 2. People do this all the time, the more I do it the more accustomed we will both become to it - or the more desensitized I will get. But this theory is tougher to follow because we just don't go out that much. Part of the cutbacks/sacrifice we've made so that I can be home with her. Either way I am entirely resigned to the fact that having a little one is tough and the tough part is reasonably temporary. I love her and I knew 100% what I was getting into, and I am learning just as much as she is. 

It's just really nice to hear from all of you that I am not entirely incompetent. And it actually is difficult...

Lie To Me

At what point does leaving the house become NOT such a monumental undertaking? So far, I've only gotten grocery shopping down...And even that requires mental preparation. 

So I'm either over thinking it, completely incompetent (entirely possible) or it is actually really fucking hard when kids are this age. 

It seems like I end up exhausted or regretful with just about everything else I attempt. Please tell me I'm not alone and how soon it will get easier. 

If you don't have good news - just lie to me. 

Alright, Maybe I Can Swing It.

Thank you, ladies for walking me through the logistics of it. And providing your own experiences. It has really taken the edge off of my anxiety about leaving her. I don't feel guilty about the time- never have. It's more about my being away from her. I know she'll kind of forget we're gone to an extent. Between naps and nighttime, she sleeps around fifteen hours a day. And she is VERY comfortable with my MIL. So I feel good about that. With the exception of the gloating and blustering I'll have to hear about her spending the WHOLE WEEKEND with her snookum-pie. (cue gag reflex) (and mama-bear reflex, for that matter...)

I genuinely believe in making time for Brian and I a priority. Leah goes to bed at 7pm every night, which gives us a good three hours each night. I do my best to have most of the stuff around the house finished by then. We also try to do a date night every month. The last one was in October, but it's been nuts. So the next one will be this week! Thanks to Christmas we have gift certificates to dinner and the movies!  

Anyhoo, I have decided to aim for staying there both nights, but allowing myself a little time to get used to the idea. And come game day, if I just can't handle it, I'll do one. Though I am preparing myself for how tough the days leading up to it can be. Thank you for pointing that out... And thank you again for the reassurances. I'm so grateful for the input. 

Not Without My Daughter

We have a wedding to go to in April. Brian is in it. So we have to go.

Why am I making it sound like a bad thing? Because it will be my first night away from Leah. Or first two nights. That part is up to me. Whether it's one night or two. 

The wedding is only a little over an hour away, but it's an evening wedding at a vineyard. So driving home just seems silly. The rehearsal dinner is up there the night before, next day is the wedding, and of course brunch the day after. 

My choice is that Brian goes up Friday, for the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. Stays at the hotel that night alone. And I come up early Saturday, leave Sunday late morning. OR we both go up Friday and come home Sunday Afternoon.

A weekend away? With my husband? Sounds pretty fricken great. 

Now you know what I'm going to say; I don't want to leave Leah. 

I would not have planned a weekend getaway for us. 

Not yet. 

But the time with him sounds lovely. And I'll be honest, occasionally I miss the me-time. Don't mistake my incomparable gratitude and love for my daughter. But sometimes? When I leave her with Brian to run to an errand, I get in the car and blast my stereo, and it feels so good to have that little piece of time to myself, even for just a half hour or so. I know this is normal.  I know that a weekend away with my husband is a good thing. That it will be good for us. And I know I will rcover from being away from her. 

And Leah will be fine. I know this. We'll have Brian's mom stay at the house with her. I know we could bring my MIL up there, and get a room for her too. But it sounds more stressful. Taking her up there, she'll be all out of her element, and then it'll be much harder on all of us than it would to just keep her at home; in her own environment. 

This is great problem to have, I KNOW. And most certainly not the end of the world.

In theory, I want to go up for the whole weekend. And while yes, Brian will be busy with the wedding in part. It'll be nice to have some extra time alone with him. And I know I of course, will not regret it. I just haven't been away from her for more than 9 hours and I'm struggling with the thought of 48.

What did you do the first time you let your baby???

Christmas

Christmas was a bit of a whirlwind. Though I rarely hear people refer to it as uneventful or low-key. With Leah's party occurring just three days before, and all the preparation that that entailed; on top of all the standard Christmas hoopla: finishing shopping, wrapping gifts, while cramming that all into the regular daily schedule. Plus my last three days of work leading up to all that... It's been nuts, and I am EXHAUSTED. 

But good. 

Really good. 

And grateful.

Christmas Eve, as always was spent with my extended family at my Grandparents house (aunts, uncles, cousins). Everyone contributes an appetizer and we all over indulge in snacks. I think I love Christmas Eve the most. 

It's all laughter, and chaos. It's perfect. 

See that Glass Coffee table near Brian? My Uncle was given a homemade bottle of Kaluha which was sitting on that very table. But my ninja daughter knocked it over in the split second that I turned to acknowledge a thank you, and the bottle shattered into a million tiny pieces. With Kaluha and glass pooling onto the table and carpet, I can tell you I don't think I have ever moved so fast in my entire life. She was fine. The carpet, was not. Fortunately I have a connection to a Cleaning Company, and they took care of it the day after Christmas. And next year it'll be a fun story to re-tell. I hope. 

Not a great picture, but I love that shirt. Which we later changed her out of, because she was covered in Kaluha. It says: "Is It Too Late To Be Good?" 

Christmas morning was quiet. Since Leah had been up late the night before, and had been through the chaos of the previous three days (her birthday). She woke up an hour later than normal; 8am. Barely picked at her oatmeal, then went back to bed at 9 and slept until noon. So Christmas morning, was really Christmas afternoon for us. 

I put her in those striped little jammies, because they were very much like the pair we had her in last year on her first Christmas.

CAH-RAZY to see how tiny she was, just a year ago. 

We helped her open a few packages, and she was entirely interested. She played with the paper, and crawled over to her existing favorite toys across the room. 

Since our families were ridiculously generous, Brian and I Santa went easy. She got a Jack-In-The-Box (actually The Very Hungry Caterpillar) and a few other small gifts.

So overall it was wonderful and I feel so fricken lucky for my husband and daughter, and the rest of my family. I always do. 

But Christmas is just an extra reminder...

Hope yours was lovely too!