Are Ya Gonna?

They're starting to ask questions. Friends, Family, Neighbors, and nosey effing strangers.

Are you going to have more children?

When is number two?

Do you think you want more children?

If you're going to have more, you better get started! TICK, TICK, TICK!

Hey people, guess what? It's six years later and my opinion hasn't changed. The status of occupancy in my hooha is really none of your effing business.

I will say that having a child has softened me as well as helped me become A LOT more tactful, so I of course do not speak to anyone that way. And heck, on a good day, I can even see that what they are asking isn't really all that unreasonable. But I still feel like it's pretty private information, and mostly make it a habit not to ask anyone of their plans. And I guess really, I don't mind when close friends ask. But when strangers and certain family members ask, I feel like the only right answer is: YES! Of course we'll have more!!! And if I say: No, or we're not sure yet, it means we don't actually like children enough to deal with more than one...  I also feel compelled to explain how much and how long it took us to just get Leah. And how grateful we are to at least have her.

But to be completely honest here, Brian and I have been going back and forth a lot lately. With no immediate decisions or actions made. The consensus (fortunately) is that we feel pretty fulfilled with just having Leah. We do have one frozen embryo, but we don't know when or if we are going to use it. 

Yet. 

At all?

We have a lot of reasons not to go forward with it, but only a few, albeit VERY strong reasons to use it.

My Internal Arguments are as follows:

I would love to have another baby!
counter: But I do feel complete with our family the way it is.

I truly loved every second of being pregnant. Even the vomitous, sleepless, achy parts.
While that statement is completely accurate, it was actually really hard on my body physically. I have had pretty chronic issues with my back for years, and pregnancy didn't help it. And having a little one to pick up and carry around daily has perpetuated the physical strain. Regular Chiropractic care and stretching is an absolute must, and even with diligence in both of those areas, I have had a few significant episodes. And yes, we are still working out religiously two-three times a week. Which has helped SO much.

It would be great to have a sibling for Leah, since she won't have any first cousins, and both our families are relatively small already.
I feel like we could provide pretty well for Leah, if we were to only have one child. Two, and they would each have to be partially be responsible for their college tuition. (not the end of the world) But it wouldn't just be college. It would mean Brian and I would both probably have to work a lot longer, possibly well into our retirement years. Something neither of us may physically be able to do.

We chose to create embryo's and I feel a certain responsibility to use the one remaining guy (or girl!) that we have.
I literally lose my breath when I think about setting foot in my RE's office. The thought of lab tests - and waiting for the dreaded results, dildo cams,  PIO shots, having a black and blue stomach from weeks of heparin shots, driving 60 miles round trip for Intralipid infusions once per week - at $550 a pop for an unforeseen amount of time -tho no more than 17 weeks (if I got pg). Not to mention the fact that every single item I listed would be a 100% out of pocket expense. We're looking at 7-9k, easy. Just for an FET. And all I can think about is how that money could be better spent, than gambling it, and IT IS A GAMBLE; gambling it on the possibility of having another child. (BUT HOW CAN YOU PUT A PRICE ON THAT?!?) It could also mean I  wouldn't be able to stay home with them... 

Really when I boil it down, at this point - I want to NOT go through anymore treatments MORE than I want another baby. If that makes sense. And all at the same time I am grateful that we even have another embryo to get to make this choice.

The good news is, my embryo was made when I was 32. I'll be 35 next year, and in my mind I'm okay with trying it as late as 37. So I don't have to make any decisions today. The Bad news? I guess I'll just have to keep fielding the questions for the next three-ish years....

20 Months!

Dearest Leah,

Oh, my sweetest baby girl. I'm not sure how to say this. 

It's been a rough month. 

Molars.

Growth Spurt. 

Newly Found Freedoms... And apparently, opinions. 

Let's start with the Molars. One day a few weeks ago, you started the day off a little cranky, and by the end of the day I noticed a low grade fever. Then around 1am that night, you woke up crying and wouldn't go back down. Your fever went away in the following 36 hours, but the night wakefulness and crankiness were constant for about 5-6 days. I would try to slip you some tylenol in your sippy cup, but you weren't eating or drinking much. Just snacking occasionally, and drinking water throughout the day. When you'd wake up in the middle of the night, I'd go in with an army of blankets and pillows and set up camp on your glider - which thankfully reclines. And we'd lay there and glide with you until you were calm enough to get back in your crib.

As soon as that cleared up you went straight into a growth spurt and slept constantly. One night you slept 15 hours straight. And there were three days where you slept almost 21 hours a day including your naps. When you'd wake up in the morning you were still tired, so your dad and I would take turns going in to lay in the glider with you. And you'd sleep another 30-40 minutes with us. While it was a bummer to see you not quite yourself, there was a small part of me that reveled in the snuggle time. 

And the next week, your sleep was back on track but you ate all day, everyday. Constantly hungry, not 20 minutes after any meal you were asking for more food - "Nom, Nom?" You'd say with the inflection of a question? I'd laugh and say "Are you SERIOUSLY hungry again, monkey???" And you'd reply with an emphatic "NOM, NOM, NOM, NOM, NOM!" And sure enough, I'd get you a banana and you'd finish every last bite of it. Giggling every time I'd offer you another piece. 

And throughout this time there reigned a level of crankiness, the likes of which I'd never seen. If there was ever a request of you, that you didn't happen to agree with, you made your feelings blatantly obvious.  There was one evening when it took us ninety minutes to get home from the store because I physically, could not get you into the car. (I'd hurt my shoulder pretty badly - I'm fine now.) But it was so bad I could not get you into the car, you'd buck and scream and cry and I just had to deal with it. We were walking back to the car through an outdoor - I don't even know what you call it - It's like a long grassy knoll, with an Olympic length water feature, and a couple of bridge like walkways. Any way, each time I'd try to get you back to the car you crouch down like this:

And if we were on a walk and you didn't feel like walking or letting me carry you - which KILLED my shoulder, you'd do this:

Time to change your diaper? I don't think so: 

You'd flip over and scream bloody murder. 

Again, bad shoulder... Made it difficult to correct you. 

And just when it got to be too much. I had called your pediatrician to ask about disciplinary book recommendations for toddlers. Because I couldn't take it anymore. And the very next day; Was just the best day ever. 

That morning we started your swim class again, and you LOVED it. Then we went to the farmers market. We ate croissants and apples, and tailgated with sippy cups and a mocha for me. The weather was gorgeous. It was just awesome. And though the rest of the day was uneventful, I can't remember a day when we'd ever laughed so much. 

While you're still not using your words as much as I'd like, I can see your wheels turning. And you're mimicking phrases, and I'm working on sign language with you. We're getting there.

YOu're also starting to show a bit more interest in the potty, and you frequently sit down on your potty while momma is on one too. 

Your daddy had been working like a mad man lately, so we trying to get down to the office every day to see him. And sometimes we can steal him away long enough to get to the near by park. But he also does his best to sleep in with us a couple times during the week (7am is sleeping in for him), and that way we can wake up and have breakfast together! 

So again, this month has been a bit challenging but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. And we're both doing our best to figure everything out! We'll get there, I promise!

Can't wait to see what the next month brings!

Love, 

momma

19 Months

Dearest Leah,

This has been a lovely summer so far. It's been astonishing to realize just how much you understand. Every night when we get ready for bath time we strip you down to your diaper in which ever room you have been playing in, then I pick up your clothes and hand them to you and tell you to go put them in the hamper. You do so gleefully, while doing your best to keep them in your arms while teedering down the hallway to your room. It's so fricken cool. 

Your hair is finally starting to fill in, but you will not for the life of you allow me to brush it or put a barrette in it. You twist and scream and cry when ever I even think about pinning your hair back on one side. And DAMMAT you look so cute with it... Oh well.

It was tutu hot to wear clothes

Food! Your momma tends to get in food ruts. I guess it's because I can eat the same thing over and over for weeks and not mind. But I forget that other people don't always feel that way. So recently I've gotten a little more experimental with your foods. While I whole heartedly plan to keep you from most processed foods, I have given in to a few small indulgences. An.nie's Mac & Cheese (it's organic, and has less sodium than Kra.ft) I usually add peas or broccoli to it, and you don't seem to notice one bit. Though I will say you are pretty good about eating your vegatables anyway. I buy a large bag of frozen chicken tenders from costco and you eat practically every day. Until recently I'd just been baking them in a little olive oil with garlic and oregano. But just recently I've started baking them with diced (unsalted) canned tomatoes. YOU LOVE IT. I also throw in some basil and garlic with a pinch of Parmesan. Yum. One other convenient indulgence has been - gawd I hate to admit this - toaster waffles. Sometimes gluten free, sometimes regular. I know they are not the worst thing in the world, but I've just been SO anal about keeping processed foods out of your diet, it seems a little blasphemous now. But they are SO easy, and you love them with a little (natural) peanut butter on top.  I also started making you quesadillas. Cheese is one of your favorite foods, (you are your mother's daughter after all) I usually add chicken and broccoli, or whatever veggie is already cooked for you. I throw a little cumin and onion powder in with the cheese then add the chicken and broccoli and top the outside with a little butter and garlic powder. You seem to like this one pretty well too. 

 You always drink out of the side of your mouth while in your highchair, 

like you're throwing back a brewski...

I guess it's clear to see what a large role food plays in my life. I wake up in the morning so I can get up and eat. Conversations around the table with my family have always been centered around the latest recipes. So in 11-12 years from now when your teenage mind takes over and you hate me and your dad, I hope that cooking is still something you and I can do together. And your dad will remain the taster.

 You have this weird little habit of sorting some of your food into the cup holders on your highchair tray. Sometimes it's your veggies, sometimes, your fruit. But at every meal, 

you find something to set aside...

We usualy go for two walks a day, but my favorite one is our evening walks that we take right after you finish dinner. We clean you up, then plop you in your wagon You have typically found some toy or object to bring along for the ride. We get Molly on the leash and stroll around the neighborhood. You just always look so content on this particular walk, with your little gansta lean on one side of the wagon. It's ADORABLE. 

Clapping with Auntie Jenn!

Anyway my love, you are cute and cute and can be, and just seem to have the sweetest little soul. And I feel so absolutely blessed to have this time to get to know you. 

Can't wait to see what the next month brings

 Love, 
Momma

18 Months

Dearest Leah,

Okay, so I blew it for your 17month post. That won't be my last mistake. I guarantee it. But I can tell you that I will always come through when it really counts. Like for your 18 month post! Suddenly it's starting to really occur to me that you are becoming less and less my baby every day. I can't remember the last time we were anywhere and caught eyes with another mom who was pointing out "the baby" to her child. And you're just becoming so dang independent! And aware of your surrounding and just how much control is potentially at your tiny fingertips. It's breathtaking. I never want to forget what I've witnessed in your presence for the last 18 months. So here is a list of highlights. Of things I just want to hold on to forever.

• Finding your toys, shoes, and random household items in the hampers. (You love fill and spill - AND putting your dirty clothes away)

• The way you toss and turn around 10pm every night, and make a loud gravelly hmmmuwahwahwah sound as you suck your thumb to lull yourself back to sleep.

• That right now. I have everything I've ever dreamed of. Meaning you and your DA!.

• How when you're drinking your sippy of milk before a nap, you tip your head back and look me in the eyes. Usually its to smile or giggle, but sometimes it seems like you just want me to know that you know, I'm there.

• The way you mumble and babble while you eat.

• How you despise having your diaper changed so I make up silly songs to distract you until we're done.

• Every time my phone rings, you automatically ask DA!???

• Waiting and watching for the garbage trucks on Friday mornings.

• How well you hear airplanes and love looking at them from the porch. (We're about 10 miles from SFO)

• Your deep belly laugh while animals move past you. Dogs, cats, whatever.

• The way you bounce on the seat cushions of the couch, beaming with pride.

• How Billy Joel and Jack Johnson make you dance... You twirl. I have no idea where you got that from. It's HILARIOUS.

• The way you grab Molly's snout and try to give her a kiss with your mouth wide open. You do the same on her back and her tail. 
• Oh yeah, we got a dog! More to come on that...

• Your stinky butt. How that much smell comes out of such a tiny butt is beyond me.

• How you always find the corners of your blankets to hold on to while you suck your thumb.

• Waking up to your babbling.

• The waft of your smell that comes through when I open your door to get you up for the day. God I love that.

• When we get you out of the tub, you immediately put your head on our shoulder and stare off into space. Like you're suddenly aware of how safe and loved you are in that moment.

• Singing Jimmy Buffet (your dad's choice) and The Duprees (mine) when I'm getting you ready for bed. 

 

( You love you some new bath mat!)

• The way you kick your legs in your carseat with sheer glee when you realize where we are - the park, DA's office, etc.

• Emptying a lint trap full of pink glittery lint.

•  Taking walks after dinner. DA! pulling you in your red wagon, me walking Molly.

I could go on like this for hours, but these are just the top things I love. So for the rest I'll say, I'm just looking forward to your next birthday, hearing you talk more (it'll be nice when you can tell me what you need or want or are upset about!) And well everything else. Seriously, everything...

Oh, and what you're up to now! We had your 18 month check up yesterday, you are 25 lbs, and 33 1/2 inches. You have several words: Mama, DA!, Ba (sippy cup), Nigh Nigh, Yeah, Whoa, Nom Nom (which means you're hungry or thirsty), Ca (cat), lolla (which is Molly our dog), and Bayee (baby). And you are just SO busy. Always moving something from over there, to over here. Filling up containers with items, dumping them out... You're just so freaking amazing, and we love you to pieces!

Can't wait to see what the next month brings! 

Love, 
Momma
 

Something Diva This Way Comes

My sweet baby girl is brewing a little 'tude.

Time to go inside? Cue meltdown. 

Time for lunch? See: A screaming puddle on the floor. 

Time change a stinky butt? Quick! Go limp so momma has a harder time picking me up! (great for my back, btw)

Where the fuck did she get all this from? My little monkey, who used to be up for almost anything, now screams and cries with the most genuine look of betrayal in her eyes, whenever I must go about about our regularly scheduled programming. 

I have a parenting book. Guess I need to fast forward to the section about tantrums. For I will not have that shit. I will not have it...

Tips and pointers appreciated.

16 Months

Dearest Leah,

You continue to be the brightest part of my day, but I'll admit, you're starting to become a bit challenging. While I encourage your curiosities and propensity to question authority, I kind of umm, I don't like it. Partly because I worry too much about your safety, and partly because I am really tired already of say No! and PLEASEDON'TTOUCHTHAT (it reads exactly like it sounds coming out of my mouth). But mostly, it's the idea that I probably have another three plus years of those two phrases... Ahh well. You're too stinking cute to be annoyed for long at all.

You really do not like loud noises. Daddy sneezing, blenders, but most notably public toilets and hand dryers. You start to cry if the shopping cart so much as points towards the general vicinity of the restrooms at costco.  

You really, really hate it.

Another of your immense dislikes are the swings at the park. This, I did not see coming. But you literally shake and cry if we try to put you in them or even attempt to swing with you on our lap. But we'll keep trying every few weeks or so.

We've been working on your eating skills, specifically eating with a spoon. Since you've been feeding yourself since 7 months, you are great with your hands, but you seem puzzled by the spoon. 

I help you scoop some food up, and you can get the spoon in your mouth just fine. But you still aren't sure how the food gets on the spoon. And you'll keep putting the spoon back in your mouth even if there is no more food on it. And like everything else you do, it's pretty adorable. 

You chatter like a little spider monkey, and most recently have picked up saying Dada, and Yeah. The important thing is that you really know what Dada means, but you usually just say DA! And now you've started to cal me DA! And while I know you know Mama, I don't really mind because we're both your parents. And either way, there is an inflection of affection behind the way you say it. 

And I love that. 

 Leah and DA!

Leah and other DA!

You love walking up and down our street, and most importantly up the three stairs on our porch. We usually spend a good ten minutes a day on the stairs alone.

I want you to know, that every morning I wake up excited to see you. To think about what the day will have in store... The moment I open the door to your room, your smell wafts right into my face, and I can't help but smile. You're going to think we're nuts, but sometimes your dad and I will bring one of the two blankets you use and take turns smelling it before bed. And most of the time we sleep with it. I know, it sounds crazy. 

But we just can't get enough of you. 

Can't wait to see what the next month brings.

Love, Momma

Contributing To NIAW

I know my voice here isn't as loud as it used to be. But the good news is I've been able to make it heard on Face.book. There were several years during NIAW, that I felt shame for not feeling like I could speak out about our infertility. To tell our friends and family about what was going on, and be an advocate for myself and the others who were struggling. I don't remember when or what my first post about IF was on FB, but I do recall tiptoeing in and that it really wasn't very long ago. Although now I'm pretty much a certified loudmouth an online Billboard for advocacy.  

While I haven't kept up on the daily posts on FB about NIAW, I have commented and liked all of 'my sister's' posts. But today, something made me stop what I was doing, and get this up:

This was the post by Jennepper, that I shared. (She's the f'ing bomb.) I got a few comments, and likes, which I'll admit, I stalked to see who and how many likes I'd get. But then I got this message from a friend:

"Hey there! Just wanted to say how much I appreciate these posts about IF. I've always had a really hard time talking about it (still do), but the things you've posted and blogs that you've introduced me to really help to normalize things and help me feel supported. As I'm sitting here in B's (our acupuncturist) waiting room - who I truly believe played a huge part in us having J (their daughter) - I wanted to say thank you! For putting me in touch with her, for knowing what we're going thru, and for being so courageous to share. Hope you guys are well! Would love a play date soon!"

(I believe she and her husband did two fresh IVF cycles before I referred her to my Acu lady, then she got pregnant on their next transfer. Not sure if it was fresh or frozen.)

It's funny, but I'd forgotten about the overwhelming guilt and shame I harbored, until I got her message. And thinking about it all just made me reflect on how bad things were for a while, how good they are now, and how grateful I am to have made it out with merely a few flesh wounds. Not that you're ever really out, but I have to believe the worst is over. I just have to.

Anyway, I wanted to share that note because it was validating in so many ways. And I'm grateful to my friend for writing it. Even if I am the only one she can ever say that to. And so for right now, I am her voice. Just like many were for me, when I couldn't speak for myself.

It's Coming

My weekend away with Brian. And away from Leah. 

Blaaaaarrrg.

Two very different sets of emotions. On one hand I'm a little giddy, packing nighties and dresses (which I'm not totally accustom to wearing) to look nice for my wonderful hubby, and enjoying the fact that I won't have to worry about getting diaper cream, snot, milk, or avocado on any of them.  All the while contemplating self inflicted injuries, illnesses and circumstances which would prevent me from leaving the house/my daughter.

I feel edgy. Anxious. Borderline fearful. 

I KNOW.

SHE WILL BE FINE.

But NO ONE can do my job, the way I do it. 

And that is how I want it done.

When I first posted about this you all commented about how the days leading up to it would be the hardest. And damn it, you're so right. So when I read your words I made a mental note to be especially kind to myself this week. And watch for the crazy to creep in. But it caught me anyway. I've been what you might call, difficult, all week. (There were some outside factor s too). But mostly, I've been cranky. Unreasonably cranky. 

I decided after all that I will go with Brian the full two and a half days. We leave Friday around noon. And return Sunday afternoon...

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this...

Right?

Poster Child For Change

I don't know any other way to say this. Cliche's be damned. 

I have a new found respect for life.  

It's not that I didn't have a healthy one before, honestly nothing has made my own mortality more apparent than becoming a mother. But I have another level of appreciation for the biological side of it. For my body and just how much time I may or may not have in it. 

And I want to take better care of it. 

As you know I started losing weight again about 8 weeks ago.  Almost 13lbs down in that time. Not too shabby. While I obviously failed at not using food to cope with the stress of my biopsy, I still feel like fundamentally I am learning more about what foods are best for my body. 

I'm working to consume more whole foods. Proteins especially, grains, fruits and veggies. And eliminating processed stuff like breads and pastas. As much as I love them them so.  It's not about the carbs, I eat rice, oatmeal, and quinoa (and fruit). It's just the processed stuff. So far it's going well. 

I was able to lose the bulk of the weight strictly by diet, but two weeks ago Brian and I started working with a personal trainer. No, we can't afford it. But we're not actually paying for it. The trainer is a tenant in the building behind Brian's office, and he asked Brian if we would be interested in trading services. We said hell to the yes, and he's been kicking our asses ever since. 

The bummer part is that I've actually gained weight, but I know this is due to the strengthening of muscles, (sore muscles retain water, muscle is heavier than fat...) Yada yada. I've lost an inch around my waist and an inch around each thigh, but it's tough to feel successful when my progress used to be based on what the scale said each week. And ohmyhell am I constantly sore. Anyway, our trainer is great. But I think he is trying to kill us. He really only works with Athletes, so he doesn't really understand our level of "doughiness", if you will. I am overweight, and Brian is just out of shape... This guys got his work cut out fort him!

Wish us luck. :) 

The Call.

My doctor called early this evening. The ringer on my phone has been on the loudest setting since I left the clinic yesterday. But the phone was in my hand when it rang. And though she told me the results would likely be in Thursday or Friday, the instant I saw the number I knew it was her. 

Dr. B: Hi, Is this Melissa?
Me: Yes?
Dr. B: Hi Melissa it's Dr. B, I have some terrific news for you. 
Me: Uncontrollable sobbing....

The calcifications were 100% benign. 

I asked her several Questions:

Is this cluster a precursor to developing Breast Cancer? No. Benign Microcalcifications are not dangerous. But they should be monitored.

Is this linked to the hormones I took during IVF? In her 20+ years of experience, she has not personally seen a link between women who took fertility drugs and Breast Cancer. She is aware of the research being conducted regarding the two, but would not agree conclusively.

Does this mean I should avoid another pregnancy? (we still have the one frozen embie we were planning to transfer in the next year or two) This, I forgot to ask. I was kind of a mess, and missed this question.... I will either call her back, or check with someone else.


How soon should I get my next Mammogram? You should be monitored annually for several years.

We had a lengthy conversation, but I only remember that it put me at ease. I thanked her for the comfort and support she and her staff provided. 

The last three weeks, and the last five days in particular have brought a whirlwind of fears. And I'm not afraid to tell you that I let my mind travel to the darkest corners. I assumed the worst. It's almost hard to believe still. 

I am just so incredibly grateful.



*Also, I updated my last post to include more detail about the biopsy.

Biopsy'ed

So as best I can tell, my appointment went pretty well yesterday. But, I will say my anxiety about the whole thing got the best of me. I pretty much ate my feelings all day, and while I was sitting in the waiting room I damn near passed out from the pressure of it all. At one point, as much as I wanted to get it all over with I actually prayed that I wouldn't be the next one called because I was genuinely concerned about having to stand up and walk down the hallway. Deep breathes seemed to be of little help. I finally text and begged Brian and Teresa to play their moves on Words With Friends so I could distract myself. 

That finally helped a little.

The staff there is really nice, the radiology tech put her arm around me and rubbed my back while she walked me down the hallway and explained how it would all go.

This is the table I was on. Basically you lie face down on the table over a big hole that your boob hangs out of. In this case, it was my right side, so I turned and faced the wall (my head on the right side of the table, feet on the left). The tech I mentioned before helped me to get as comfortable as possible. Strategically placing folded towels to cushion my ribs and elbow from un-padded points on the table. Even brushing my hair back from my face.

Once they had me where I needed to be, I closed my eyes and began to meditate. Trying my best to breathe into each chakra.  It was difficult. I was pretty uncomfortable, and just generally uneasy. I can't remember how edit the pictures to add arrows but if you look under the table you can see the wall type thing and metal plate in which they use to compress and contain your breast.  They then raise the table so that your boob is about eye level for the tech and doctor. Which means I was about three feet away from the ceiling. 

I'm not claustrophobic, but that certainly did not help matters. 

Once they have you and your boob and place, they take x-rays to determine where the calcification's are and where they need to angle the needle. In my case, the shortest distance was through the side of my boob. The doctor places a topical numbing agent, then a local to numb your entire boob. The tech explained what the doctor was doing while rubbing my back. She also brought me a warm blanket to help relax me. The procedure itself is very quick, it's the set up that take FOR.EV.ER. *I did not confirm this with the doctor or tech, but they warned me that I was going to hear a noise, then feel a thud. I'm pretty sure the thud was the Biopsy needle being thrust into my breast, all done by a machine.* After the sample is removed, they xray it to make sure there are calcifications in it. Then they get you up and do another mammogram. Apparently the needle that removes the sample also leaves a marker that can be seen on xrays. So they take another shot to show where the sample was taken from.

So here is an xray of my boob. The camera on my iPhone is not really equipped to take photos of xrays, because it appears much brighter than in person. For reference the very white areas are really just dense breast tissue but it's a little blurred. Under magnification you can see the calcifications which show as tiny, brighter dots. The circled area is where the calcification was/is.

They bandaged me up and stuffed a cold pack in my bra. Told me take some Tylenol when I got home. Except I didn't go home. See yesterday was one of the days I work with Brian in the office. So I went to work in the morning, then he took me to the appointment and we went back to work afterwards. I liked that it fell on a work day, so I wouldn't have to explain to my MIL why I needed a sitter, and why I wouldn't be able to physically pick up Leah for 24 hours. It's just not information I want to share with her yet... 

So yes, Brian went with me to the appointment, but the room was a little too small to have him in there for the procedure.  After that he took me out for ice cream. Which was his suggestion and really just very sweet and thoughtful.  (oh, and when I say went back to work, I mean surfed the Internet and iced my boob.)

By the time we got home last night I was EXHAUSTED. I think the anxiety of it all just plain wiped me out. Today I feel fine, but my boob is very tender and the area sore. It feels like someone whacked it with a Tire Iron. No bruising to speak of yet. I can tell that the stress of it all is still getting to me because I noticed hives this morning. And as if hives weren't bad enough, I always get them on my butt first. NO idea why, but you're welcome for that little gem. 

So I'm hoping to hear back by Friday. Also hoping that I can manage to keep my shit together until then.  I also clearly need to distract myself from the whole thing, because I am shaky again just writing about it. Blehhh.

Thanks again for all of your sweet comments and prayers. 

I really truly appreciate them.

*Added by request, per comment!*

15 Months!

Dearest Leah,

Please forgive me for the lapse in getting your letters published. I have been keeping notes, but not finishing my posts... But let's get back to you! You, are fricken amazing. And brilliant, and hilarious, and silly, and sweet, and curious. And you just make every day better. 

You are walking everywhere and getting pretty darn good at it. Although you still sometimes resort to crawling when you want to get somewhere fast. You're also climbing (thanks dada). This is not my favorite accomplishment, but you look so darn proud of yourself when you get up on the couch, it's hard not to be happy for you. In fact you initiate applause as soon as you're able to sit up on the cushion. 

You in the front yard, during a surge of 70 degree Spring weather

At your 15 month check up, you weighed 21 pounds, 15 ounces which puts you in the 61st percentile for weight. And measuring 32 & 1/4 inches puts you in the 95th percentile for height. (No surprise there!) Dr. P said you're doing wonderfully, and to keep up the great work.

While you're super chatty you only have a few actual words that you say. The most common is "Nom-nom" when you're hungry or thirsty. If you're upset and you want me, we hear "mamamamam", in a decidedly desperate and whiny tone. And sometimes when we look out the front window you'll point to where daddy parks his truck and exclaim "DA!". The other two things you say most infrequently are "nigh-nigh", I say that each night when I turn off the little fish lamp on your dresser, right before I put you to bed. Then, while it's not really a word, you seem to have a sound that you use to point out cats and dogs. It sounds like "Gih-Gee", we call them kitty or doggie, so you're close! Our next door neighbor has a cat named Mango, who likes to sit on our porch and clean himself or just survey the neighborhood. This inevitably makes you lose your mind. You love animals, and squeal with delight the very moment you recognize them. Fortunately, this doesn't even phase Mango, and he continues to sit there anyway, minding his own business. 

We went to the Oakland Zoo for my birthday, 

you were intrigued but not overly amused.

(Even when Daddy got in a mock Tortoise Shell)

You are currently getting over a cold, that you got from your dad. And now, I have it. It was a pretty rough cold, while you got away with a low-grade fever, you had a fairly mean cough to show for it. It kept you up a lot, and there were three nights in a row where I would set up camp in your room and recline the rocker so you could sleep on my chest to stay somewhat elevated. Honey to coat your throat and Benadryl to help you sleep proved very useful. It might sound silly but I loved every second you slept on my chest. It broke my heart that you were sick, but I loved comforting and snuggling you.

You still use socks as a 'Lovey', for some reason. There are socks all over the house, though seldom are we able to find their mates. I don't really care though, cause it's pretty fricken cute in my opinion.  It appears as though you might be telling me where you'll put that sock if I don't get the camera out of your face soon. So I did. 

Over all my love, you are growing and thriving, and getting smarter every day. Witnessing this is the most amazing gift I could ever ask for. You're Dad and I continue to be more and more grateful each day. 

Can't wait to see what the next month brings!

Love, Momma

Taking It All In and Blocking It Out

My title makes me think of Kevin Nealon in Happy Gilmore: "Harness Good, Block Bad"... Anyway.

Thank you all for your comments/thoughts and prayers and texts, in some cases. They really meant a lot. 

I was pretty down when I wrote that post, and was feeling helpless and terrified. I tend to wallow in things, to breathe them in for processing. But I didn't want to do that this time. Still I jumped on Doctor Google, and for once he put my mind at ease. If there are cancer cells, it will indeed be very early stage and it can be sucessfully treated. Which made me feel a bit better. 

So I have mostly just been trying to keep my mind off of it. My biopsy is Tuesday, and Brian will be going with me. They will give me a local to numb the area, and from start to finish it should be about 90 minutes. I'll need to take it easy for 24 hours, meaning no lifting Leah. I should expect tenderness for a few days and bruising for a few weeks. They will send the Biopsy to Pathology, and I should have the results within 72 hours. Which means, I should have them before next weekend. Nice to know I won't have to wait too long. 

I think the questions that keep running through my head are: 

Is this linked to the hormones I took during IVF?

Does this mean I should avoid another pregnancy? (we still have the one frozen embie we were planning to transfer in the next year or two)

Does the concentration of calcification put me at higher risk to develop Breast Cancer?

If they are pre-cancerous or even cancer cells, does getting them at such a young age (34) mean I am at a higher risk to develop more in the future?

To Be Continued...

Inconclusive

I had a sinking feeling from the very beginning that I wouldn't get the all clear from my Mammogram. They found "A concentration of calcification" and they "want to rule out anything abnormal". I should preface this with exactly what the doctor told me. That 80-85% of the time it turns out to be nothing. But the other 15-20% finds either pre-cancerous cells, or early stage cancer.

My appointment was this morning. They had me scheduled for a mammogram and a breast ultrasound. They told me the appointment would run about an hour and fifteen minutes or so. Within 15 they had me in the room and undergoing the mammogram. I thought it seemed odd when several of the other women I had come in before, had already come and gone. Then the technician came back and told me we needed to take some more pictures. And my heart sank. After they got the extra shots they immediately took me back for the u/s and the technician did her thing (they of course, can't tell you anything) and when she finished she didn't tell me to get dressed. She said to stay put and that the doctor would be right in. The tech noticed me trembling and brought back a warm blanket, while I starred blankly at the ceiling.

When the doctor came in she was smiling and very perky. Which at the very least distracted me for a moment. She said "Okay, you look terrified so let me first say.... I did not see anything in your xrays that screamed CANCER, or anything big bad and scary. What I did see was a concentration of calcification." She went on to tell me that I would need a "Stereo-tactic Core Needle Biopsy". She said that she had had one herself and it turned out to be nothing, she does them on a dailly basis and most of the time they are nothing. I asked her to clarify, if it is SOMETHING, what's next. She said it could be pre-cancerous, which is technically not even cancer. Or it is in the very, very early stages of cancer. 

I know that the odds are descent that all of this will in fact be fine. But I can't help but feel terrified and completely out of control.  My immediate thoughts go to anger and death. The anger part of me says "FUCK YOU CANCER, and immediately makes me want to sign up for a double mastectomy with reconstructive surgery. And the other part says, I cannot leave my daughter and husband.  I cannot fill her early years with me in the hospital, and sickness. What the fuck???? I don't mean to come off dramatic, I am just really really scared. The doctor was the head of the department and she will be doing the biopsy herself. She was really nice and very clear about how scary it feels. How the next few days might be rough ones. She said the worst part is right now, when you have no answers. And I thought, Fuck, I know. I've been there before...

At Ease... For Now.

Thank you all for your thoughtful and informative comments on my last post. They have certainly put me at ease for the moment. I had really started to freak myself out with all of the worst case scenario thoughts. The more I read your comments, the more I recall reading how much your breasts change post pregnancy/breast feeding, and your body in general...

While my cycles have been normal since getting my period back in October, my PMS is totally off the grid. I used to get cripplingly sore breasts (for 7-10 days before and during!), lower back pain and a migraine on CD1. In that order. Now, I am sad to say, I turn into a big bag of crazy the day of. Rage being the primary emotion. And it appears that only chocolate can appease the monster. I'm a walking, talking, screaming fricken cliche... But hey, at least I got to keep the migraines! Wait... Oh, and now I get cramps, which blows on top of all that. Why am I telling you this? I decided to write about it instead of screaming it from a roof top with a hostage. So much less work.

Anyhoo, quick thing about the email comments on my last post. I understand the laws for HIPPA regarding medical info. I really just meant that I wish she could have emailed the Mammogram and u/s requisitions. The nurses with my RE used to email my blood test req forms all the time. Would have been nice to have them the day of, instead having to wait a week for them via snail mail.  So I got the req's in the mail yesterday, and my appointment is next Friday.  They told me to allow 2 hours for the whole appointment. I will also be doing routine blood work, so I'm thinking of heading there early and treating myself to a nice breakfast downtown, in between the two appointments. 

Stay Tuned...

Annual Panic

Last week I went in for my annual exam. The midwife I used for Leah's delivery is on sabatical, so I went back to my old OB's office. Yes, the OB I left due to personality conflict. The main reason is because his office works with Dr. 3's office, and when we do our FET (at some point) we'll need to go through them for testing. Annnnd I don't actually have to see my OB, I can work with the Head Nurse Practitioner, whom I adore. She really held our hands through the first few weeks of my pregnancy after Dr. 3 released us. Doppler checks and peace of mind/elective ultrasounds. She kept us sane. And also, she got pregnant after I referred her to my Acupuncturist. (PCOS/MTHFR/MFI) So I feel a kinship of sorts with her... So you can see why I was oddly looking forward to my annual exam and PAP.

I was greeted with a squee and a hug, just as I presumed. We chatted about our babies, motherhood, and how other people are idiots. My three favorite topics. As my exam went on, I mentioned this odd shooting pain I'd noticed recently in my right breast. It's not terribly painful, it's just a little peculiar, and it gets my attention. I have been doing regular self-exams, but my milk ducts are still quite prevalent so I'm having some difficultly discerning... differences. She could feel my ducts as well, but wasn't sure she could find anything of concern. Still since Breast Cancer runs in my family and we've done an IVF cycle, she opted to send me in for a Mammogram and an u/s. 

My first Mammogram.

I have several reasons to believe that it is nothing. One, the timing of this peculiar pain correlates with a new exercise regimen. The shooting sensation may be an area with distressed tissue due to that fact. Two, all of the research I've done regarding "lumps" is not consistent with the textures I have felt. Though I have suspicion they may be cysts or fibroids (pleaseGodplease). Also, Leah uses my girls a lot for leverage and I wonder if there has been a specific trauma that I forgot about. 

But there is a small part of me that is absolutely, positively terrified. I've yet to do any research on what to expect for mammograms, anyone interested in sharing their experiences?

(I haven't got an appointment yet. We got so busy chatting that she forgot to give me the paperwork and instead it's being mailed to my house. #Whythefuckdon'tmoreregulardoctorsuseemail??? )

On Ingoring Priorities

I have been thinking about this for many months. Probably even since the day we brought Leah home. Guardianship. If some tragedy were to befall Brian and I, we don't have anything in place from a legal standpoint to instruct our loved ones on our final wishes. Would putting it here on my blog count? 

This post is inspired by Josey's contribution to this months PAIL topic. While I didn't officially sign up for it (I missed the deadline because I didn't read about it until after),  I feel like it's an important topic. Not only to bring to peoples attention, but to put it here in writing as means to remind myself to get my shit together, and protect our daughter the best way we can. So here it goes:

Do you have a will? When did you draw it up and what sorts of things did you decide on with regard to guardianship?

No. No, we don't have a will yet. At one point I did a basic Advance Directive on a legal website for myself. Which basically said "please pull the pug if there is no chance of recovery, donate my organs, and my stuff should be distributed accordingly"...yada yada. But we haven't done a thing since Leah's been born. And it definitely crosses my mind on a regular basis. Especially with all the bizarre thoughts about death that I am STILL having.

But, at the very least, we have asked our dear friends, my sister for all intents and purposes; Teresa and her husband. Brian's parents are wonderful, and we know Leah would be well taken care of. But neither are in perfect health, and both are close to their 70's. Teresa and her husband are our age and have three children. And we feel confident that they would most certainly keep Brian's and my philosophy's and principles in mind while raising her and helping her make the best decisions. And also we feel they could not only handle it, but would value and enjoy having her.

Where do you live? Are you in a house you hope to stay in for years? A city you’re desperate to escape? Are you farther than you’d like to be from family (or, ahem, too close for comfort)?

Right now, we are in house we purchased in 2006, in the San Francisco Bay Area. And I'm pretty sure Brian and I will not only stay in this house, but will most likely die here. Which I guess is why we're talking about all this. Not that I think the house will kill us. I digress... It's a 3 bed, and 1 TEENYTINY bath. We have pipe dreams of adding a master bath one day. If we were to have another child, we could certainly turn the third room in the house, now currently a home office, into a bedroom. But if by chance we had another girl, I wouldn't mind if they shared a room.

We love the bay area, and most of our immediate family lives within 30 miles. I know, we're pretty lucky.... So we will most likely always live here. But we definitely have aspirations of retiring on the central coast - Goleta/Santa Barbara area. I digress, again.

Does the size of your world match your family’s needs (ie, do you need a bigger car or a house with an additional bedroom if you have another child)? 

Right now, our world can definitely accommodate the size of our family. And I can't see that having another child would change that. Besides, it would be too expensive to move, and we certainly wouldn't be able to buy another house due to circumstances surrounding the purchase of our house. And the fact that we bought it right before the 2007 housing crash, so we are totally underwater on it. And we have a CRV. Which is compact, but we could get by with it. 

What about the details, like “my sister would be the guardian for our son but she has no idea what he likes to eat for breakfast”? 

I can't say that this is anything I fret about. Leah would be fine. She's so little now, that preferences are kind of arbitrary. And Brian's Mom would still be a part of Leah's life and no doubt be helpful with the details. Plus, there will be particular things we plan to outline in our will. Like traditions we'd like to continue, and how I want my jewelry to be given to her. ( One piece for each significant occasion - 13th, 16th, 18th, 21st Birthdays; Graduations; Wedding...) 

Do you have other safety nets in place, like life insurance?

This is one question I can answer with certainty and peace of mind. Yes, we have life insurance. It's not a crazy amount, but enough to make sure we'd each be comfortable in case one of us passes. It would pay off our mortgage, and leave enough to put Leah through college. As well as covering living expenses for a while. And Leah would definitely be taken care of if we were both gone.  Which I believe makes it more comfortable for her guardians as well. 

What about those complicated questions, like the fate of your frozen embryos if something happens to you? 

Oooh, this is tricky. Right now, legally, if something were to happen to both of us it would be donated to science. But is it weird that I kind of want to give it to Leah? I know that must sound bizzare, I would feel comfortable with her deciding what to do with it. I also wouldn't mind leaving it to Teresa and her husband. I wouldn't mind if she transferred it, and carried so that Leah could have a sibling. But I also wouldn't mind if it went to another couple who needed it. Certainly something Brian and I need to revisit.

Ugh, the crappy stuff you have to think of as an adult... 

Catching Up

Wooowee, am I far behind on updates! Bullet Points anyone?

Blogaversary - My FIFTH blogaversary was January 31st. I still cannot believe I have managed to keep this going for so long - consecutively. I am always thankful for all of my bloggy friends and all the support I have found in this community.

2x4 - As in my current ass measurement. I started back on the ol' Dub-Dub last week. (Weight.Watchers). I find that the fourth time around I am able to do most of the Points (calorie counting) without actually signing up for it. I found an app for my phone that calculates points the same way WW does. And based on my history I know what range of points I should be within. So I'm exercising regularly again and counting my points. Friday is my first weigh in and since I'm not actually paying for their services, I get to weigh myself neked in my own bathroom. Surprisingly, I can feel a difference already. Even if it's just bloat that I've lost thanks to the metric shit ton of water I've been drinking. I'm just so ready to get my body back. -25lbs is my goal, but ideally I'd like to go for 35. We'll see what I can manage. And barring a second pregnancy, I'd like to hope this is the last time I'll have 25 - 35 to loose. 

I always felt like I needed the accountability of paying someone, and going in to get weighed in order to be successful. But since I'm opting for the free route, I will keep a ticker here (on your right) to help keep me in line. 

Leah - My amazing baby girl. She is so great. I am going to continue to post monthly updates for her. I have last months drafted, I just need to finish and post it. Same with this months, for that matter. Originally I was just planning to do the monthly's for her first year, but going back to read them all I realized  how much I quickly forgot. So I feel like it's important to track it all. 

Blogging in general - I want to keep up on it. I love it. I have been a horrendous commenter as of late though. In fact, I'm a little ashamed of how little I've been commenting. If you are still reading and/or commenting, I love you, and I am going to work on commenting back!

Stay Tuned!