Flip Flop

If you've been reading this blog for more than three months you would know that when Brian and I were first diagnosed with Male Factor Infertility, we sort of made the decision not to have kids at all. We didn't swear it off forever, but we decided that we weren't going to pursue any treatments- therefore assuming it would never happen for us. It was a resignation of sorts, some might even call it a white flag. We were just so exhausted from the 16 months of futility. A few weeks later we decided not to make any decisions at all. For at least a year. And then a whole 2 weeks after that, we were all of a sudden ready to discuss our options. Partially thanks to our RE, who made things even more complicated by giving us two very different choices for conceiving.

In one hand we have the option of using Donor Sperm, also referred to as Donor Insemination or DI. The main reason we have considered it is because of our concerns with chromosomal abnormalities on Brian's side. Which according to our RE may not be a factor at all, as he once thought. It is not very invasive, costs about one thousand dollars, and has up to an 80% success rate each try, in the first 6 cycles. But with that comes a lot of emotional baggage that you can read about here.

And in the other hand, we have Invitro Fertilization with Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection. Or IVF w/ ICSI. Which means I get a baby that is half of me and Brian. IF it works. There is only a 40-60% chance. I would have a few weeks of hormone injections, followed by an invasive process to harvest my eggs under sedation and local anesthetic. Once they are (hopefully) fertilized they would insert the fertilized egg into my uterus using a catheter. Oh and it costs like $15 grand.

So basically we've been flip flopping between using DI or IVF. First no kids, then IVF, then Donor, then IVF, then Donor again and we even got so serious that we looked into specifics on donor profiles.

This week we are back to IVF, deciding that we'll try it once and if it doesn't work we'll move on to donor.

Next week: Abduction

Me, Me, Me

I came back to check out my last post. I usually reread them a few days later. There are always typo's that I missed, or sentence structures I end up changing. But this time I feel the need to explain a few things in the last post. Number one: I was having a bad day, childlessly speaking. Number two: There is almost no right way to tell an infertile couple that you're expecting. Maybe I shouldn't be generalizing, but what I'm trying to say is that you, the fertile, can't win. No matter where you tell me, or what you say, I am going to feel a loss. You know why? Because it's ALL ABOUT ME. I live in a far off distant land, where your pregnancy news makes me think about my empty spare bedroom. I don't like it here. I hate that my friend's joy only reminds me of what I'm missing. But I can't help myself. So when you tell me that you're pregnant, and I congratulate you with a smile. Please know that any sadness in my eyes has nothing to do with you. It's all about me.


P.S. There is an unruly double standard that also applies, I'm usually very excited for people dealing with infertility who finally become pregnant.

Compassion Vs. Candor

Is it Jealousy? Is it resentment? Or is it just the fact that I feel like we are being lapped on the race track to pregnancy? I know it's not a competition, but when I hear about another one of our friends becoming pregnant, I feel combative, and belligerent. I feel left out.

In addition to telling our friends about our situation, we also express how important it is for them to be open about telling us when they're time has come or come again. That they shouldn't worry or hesitate. But is a little sensitivity to much to ask? Am I being unreasonable, like someone who's short preferring to be called "vertically challenged"? I hate the idea of people walking over eggshells for me, but I'd also rather they not pour acid on the gaping abscess over my heart. I know the world at large isn't going to stop multiplying just because a certain percentage of us can't. I would never begrudge a friend the gift of a family, nor would I wish them the torment of infertility. I fully acknowledge that our situation is by no means hopeless, and that for right now we have made the decision to take some time before pursuing treatments. But that doesn't make it sting any less when a friend tells us they're pregnant. A part of me knows that I should just suck it up, I should be happy for them... So lets just call a spade, a spade here: I'm going to smile on the outside, while I crumble a little on the inside.

Oct-what?!-lets?

Something needs to be said in light of the recent spectacle created by the women who gave birth to Octuplets. I read a blog post written by a fellow infertile. I wish that I had the eloquence and wit that this women does because I would have written this article myself. Word for word.

Before you get started I am going to give you a small guide to the abbreviations because it's written in Infertilese.

HOM's - High-Order Multiples
ART - Assisted Reproductive Technology
IVF - Invitro Fertilization
FET - Frozen Embryo Transfer
IUI - Intrauterine Insemination

Once you finish the article come back here to read the rest of my post.

I'd like to gloss over my favorite parts of this article:

1. I LOVE that she points out the fact that if IVF were covered by insurance, there would be a lot less HOM's. Our insurance covers NOTHING.

2. In the same paragraph she points out that people who need IVF don't typically/purposefully put themselves in the positions to birth a litter. You only hear about them because it makes great news. Example: John and Kate plus 8. I personally like the show, but you see what I'm getting at. She also nailed it when she referred to the "the Fertile Public", insinuating that most people who don't have trouble getting pregnant have no idea what's going on with the latest treatments. While we've begun telling people about one of our options being IVF, at least 95% of them have assumed I'm going to have twins- if not more. I'd like to first say that in my case, they would only implant one fertilized egg because my plumbing is in good shape. From what I've read, when there is a problem on the woman's side, endometriosis, cysts and such, it's more difficult for a single egg to implant, so they tend to, but not always, insert more than one. Second, from the same people who assume we'll be having multiples comes the reaction "oh gawd, I would never want twins". Let me just say that when it's a real possibility that you may not have children at all- twins don't sound so bad.

3. I like that her ultimate judgment is on the doctor for implanting so many embryo's without doing further assessments into her situation. Also isn't there some kind of code of ethics that should have been called upon in regards to the health of the potential lives to be created from this procedure???? Not to mention the crazy mother's health? She has 6 other children to think about!! What if something had gone terribly wrong? Then the 6+ would be without their mother? AND what kind of financial impact it would make?!!!

I'd like to end this post with a big WTF?! And ask for your input on this travesty. Especially to my readers who are dealing with infertility.

Blogiversary

It's officially been a year since I started this little thing I considered to be an outlet. Although to be fair, I'd say the words "life preserver" should be somewhere in that description. The woman I am today is someone very different from the one writing this blog back then.

The past year has offered little more than despair and devastation. But its also made me realize how lucky I am to have Brian. Infertility is painful and consuming. And can break down even the strongest of marriages.  Brian has been supportive, patient and comforting from day one. Even after we received the test results- His optimism and stoic presence has pulled me back from the depths I never anticipated. There were many nights I crumbled in his arms and cried because I couldn't express a single word. I didn't know where to start.  And that's where this blog came in. 

Even with everything Brian offered I couldn't function without some other release, an avenue to solace. This blog has become that and more. To be honest, when I started this I had just barely grasped the concept of what a blog actually was. As silly as that sounds, I'd like to point out that my mother-in-law refers to it as a "blob". Love you Mom.  But aside from the bit of peace writing this blog has given me, its also directed me towards other women blogging about their own infertility experiences. It's like this massive world you had no idea existed until you're suddenly forced to become a citizen of it. It's a world full of anguish and grief and black humor. There's an excess of sad stories but then, fortunately, we stubble upon the ones with happy endings. They fill you with hope and anticipation that your day isn't as far away as it feels. Their stories give atonement and advocacy to every breakdown -public or private, every resentful glare towards a pregnant woman, and every night you cried yourself to sleep... I'm not alone. We are not alone. I hope that other people can learn as much as I have from reading and writing blogs.  I've spoken before about the profound healing powers this blog has given me, but I'd like to reiterate so that anyone reading this, now matter what there current life crisis might be, will be given another option for finding relief.

Even though we're moving on, I'm still on the mend. I don't know that anyone ever recovers or gets over infertility. Technically even if you conceive, through medical assistance, donor insemination, or miracle, you will be forever categorized as infertile. Because the odds of your next pregnancy will likely still be- well, unlikely without any of the above proceedings.  But hopefully we'll know better what we're up against and how to handle it. I actually think I'm a better person for having been through all of this. I don't take as much for granted. And I really believe the saying "You never know until you've been there" has never rang more true. 

Cryotastic

Tonight Brian and I visited the California Cryobank website. It's a starting point in looking for donors. We didn't make any purchases, but our searches were wholehearted.

I'll be honest. It's still a little surreal. I'm also a little taken back by my sudden excitement at the thought of (hopefully) being pregnant some time this year. We aren't rushing into anything. We won't be making any decisions for a few months. There is still a need to sort through the philosophical side of it. Like how this will impact our future child. A friend of mine that I met through an infertility forum, sent me the link to this article. It's about exploring the world of Donor Insemination. A place I suddenly feel compelled to examine. It also talks about families created through Donor Insemination and their acceptance.

I can't yet worry about what our families will think, I'm still too busy trying to figure out what we think...

Undone

Have you ever missed someone you've never met? Or ached for something so much that its hard to breathe?
I'm down today. I should have seen it coming. I've been pretty even keel, since our first meeting with the RE. Calmly putting it all into some kind of perspective. Was I just fooling myself? How do you organize your feelings for something like this? I've calculated and plotted. But it seems as soon as some sort of conclusion is reached, it all comes crashing down behind us. And I feel lost again.

Complicated

We heard back from the RE regarding the genetic testing for Brian. The great news is that he does not have the Y Chromosome Microdeletion. Fantastic to know for the fact that it won't be passed down to our potential son(s), but unfortunately it doesn't change the fact that we will still need IVF.

While we discussed the possibility of Brian having a chromosomal error, the RE mentioned the idea of using a sperm donor. Brian and I had discussed this a while ago and decided it wasn't something we wanted to do. But when we were speaking with the RE he asked us if adoption was something we had considered, when we said yes, he pointed out that if we did use a donor, the child would at least be biologically be one of ours (mine). And that if we knew we could love and care for an adopted child, what would be the difference if only one of us would be related by blood? Thank you doctor, we REALLY needed to add another quandary to our situation.

So before we received the results to the blood tests, we let the idea of Brian having a chromosomal error sink in, and the more we thought about it the more we became concerned about what could be passed on to our potential children. And the more a donor sounded like a good idea. You're probably wondering how that could even be an option for us. Believe it or not, I have had a harder time with it than Brian, I couldn't let go of the idea of this baby not being half of my husband. Not having his eyes or smile or height, or bionic metabolism. But moving passed my romantic notions, there are dozens of other factors that should be taken into consideration. First of all we would never ask anyone we knew for a "donation". And despite the crude jokes that some of Brian's guy friends have made, I would not be asking any of them for "assistance". I digress. So. Should we use an anonymous donor? Or one that is open to being contacted after a child has been conceived. Not that we would want to keep in touch but for the childs sake. You can of course choose a donor that has similar physical features, but you also need to look at the quality of his sperm. We also decided that if we were to use a donor we would be open with our child. Which brings up even more things to think about... Even if you begin telling this child everything from a very early age and explain that they are very much loved and wanted and that they're special, will they resent us? Will they want to look for their biological father? How will that make us feel? Will they feel different from other kids or worse, different than Brian? Will they have the same connection with him?

One of the benefits of using a donor is that it would not require IVF. IVF is physically and emotionally a very taxing procedure with months of preparation. And it costs like a bazillion dollars. If we were to use a donor we could do an IUI, or Intra Uterine Insemination. The RE gave us up to an 80% chance of conceiving per cycle in the first six months with a donor IUI. That is excellent. It's also under 2k. But forget the monetary costs for a moment. What would a failed IVF cost us emotionally? Our chances with IVF are more like 40-60%. And the devastation of an unsuccessful IVF is something we still aren't prepared to deal with.

Our conversation with the good doctor took place via conference call, Friday night. Right before his two week trip to India. So we have some time to think of a few more pages of questions for him, we plan to bombard him when he gets back. Safe trip Doc, safe trip.

Rise n Shine

I wish I could say that so far this year things have been very different for us. Unfortunately thoughts of babies still keep me up at night. Or in this case VERY early in the morning. I can't help it. After and hour of pleading with myself to phase everything out and try to fall back asleep, I just get up. Its silly to lay there, when I could be so much more productive right here. I missed you Internet. Its not that I haven't been thinking about you - BELIEVE ME. But I haven't been all that inspired to write.

I've been able to push most of the baby stuff out my head during the day. But in the wee small hours of the morning I still wonder what our lives will be like in five years, and whether or not they will include a child of our very own. It really is still that much in the air. The second round of tests that the RE ordered were to look at Brian's genetic materials. The RE said that Brian's severely low counts were indicative of a chromosomal error. Its called Y Chromosome Microdeletion. Its caused by missing gene(s) in the Y chromosome. This can lead reduced sperm counts, low morphology, the shape of the sperm, and low motility, the sperms ability to move. So let me put it this way, the old saying of "It just takes one" isn't actually true. You need a good pack of swimmers to get one guy to the.. ehhem finish line.

On that note, I will continue to leave us all in suspense as this journey of the infertile continues.

History

Given everything that I've shared with you, I think we can safely agree that 2008 was most definitely on par with a raging case of herpes and a severe UTI. And Brian and I couldn't have been happier to celebrate its departure from our very own living room, with a few good friends.

I'm trying to stop thinking about how horrendous the past year was and starting looking ahead again to what might be. In the days following our initial decision to remain an Aunt and Uncle, I couldn't help but feel giddy dreaming of the potential freedoms that lay ahead. I thought about taking a few classes at CSM. I thought about planning some weekend getaways, and even about learning how to play the drums. I want to join a wine club, and finally do something with the spare bedroom. It's been that awful peach color for much longer than it deserves. And maybe, just maybe it will be a nursery one day. But I can't plan for someday anymore. I need to think about tomorrow. And what I'm going to cook Brian for dinner, and more importantly what kick ass bottle of wine I'll be serving with it. Maybe I'll take some cooking classes - improve my knife skills. I'm definitely going to start jogging again. I miss the clarity it gave me.

As pretty as that "plan" sounds it's quite possible that a month from now I'll be posting about how we're trying to sell both of our cars to pay for IVF. But as far as expanding our family goes - I'm not going to think that far ahead yet.

Is That An Ultrasound Probe, Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

We met with the Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) this morning. When I called originally they asked that we make the appointment in the middle of my cycle. The appointment includes a one hour consultation to discuss our test results and an ultrasound for me to monitor my follicles and to make sure I didn't have any cysts. The follicle is the fluid sac within the ovary that contains the egg, and is best measured towards the middle of your cycle. Now that I think about it I should have asked for a print out so that you could see what a phenomenal uterus I have. Doc said everything looks perfect. The main reason why that is relevant is because Brian's semen analysis was extremely abnormal. He's got the trifecta of bad results and it looks like our only option of conceiving a genetic child of our own would be through Invitro Fertilization with Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection or IVF w/ ICSI. So I'm hoping the fact that my plumbing is in great shape gives us a much higher percentage that the IVF would be successful. And its all ours for the low, low price of $15,000ish. Did I mention how lovely you look today? That shirt is... something else... It really brings out your eyes. And that wallet, it looks so heavy, let me hold that for you... There, that's better....

SUCKAAAH!

Ugh. So yes, there is a shot in hell for us. And it does accept Mastercard or Visa. But the thing is, the monetary gamble is not the scariest part. The potential devastation we face if it doesn't work - is unthinkable. So needless to say we aren't quite ready for that yet. Emotionally or financially. So we are back to square one. Taking some much needed time off...

Just Say No

I have a relatively simple question for you. When are you going to have kids? 

In the past I always answered this honestly, but vaguely with "someday".  Brian and I have since decided that we would be pretty honest from now on, especially because this question would be coming mostly from people we know. But what do we say to strangers? People we've just met who ask very innocently if we have children at all.  It's already happened to me twice in the last week and so far I've just given a simple no. Brian thinks that I could come across smug and selfish by not explaining that we actually want them, and tried, but that it didn't work out for us. I however predict crickets during the BIG. GIANT. AWKWARD. pause from the people we JUST met who now know that we are barren. Infertile. Childless, not necessarily by choice.  Is it fair to saddle complete strangers with the news of our hardship? I would feel terrible if I just met someone then apologized for my cold and they said "Oh, don't worry about it, I have a rare form of extremely aggressive cancer".... 

So help a girl out. Will at  least one of the six of you that read this blog leave me a comment with your opinion, or suggestion?

Clarity

Writing yesterdays post was easier than I thought it would be. It also felt better than I thought it would. I don't feel sad anymore. I feel free.

The dust is still settling on life we thought we would have created together, but amongst the ashes is another one. Together, of course. The agony I felt month after month when I realized that something I thought I felt and loved never actually existed, is beginning to fade. And the horizon looks clear, and wide open.

There are still so many questions running through my head. The "what ifs" that I can't escape, the "what nows" that I try to focus on. I think about the fact that we still have options, but I flinch when I realize the roller coaster of emotions that would come with it, and the odds that are stacked in its favor. I think about the fact that the lines in our families may stop with us. If my brother never has children, or if Brian's brother never has children. That's it. I think about how much this will weigh on our families, especially our parents, when they realize they may never have grandchildren, at least not by us. And the list goes on...

When will I stop thinking about it everyday?

Will I always have this kind of resolve?

Should we come right out and tell people, like we've just booked a trip to Mexico, or should we wait until it's a topic of conversation?

Will sending out Christmas cards with my dog's picture only remind people that we can't have children?

What will become of the friendships we have once more of our friends start having kids?

How will I feel I at Baby Showers and children's Birthday parties?

What in gods name will I write about now???

Nope.

This is probably the last time I will write one of these posts. The results from the tests show that we are very unlikely to conceive without medical intervention. Brian and I have decided that we do not wish to pursue treatments at this time. Man that sounded litigious. I didn't mean it that way. Let me start over.

I'm not going to post about when I get my period anymore. Brian and I are going to be D.I.N.K.'s (Double Income, No Kids) or better yet: Aunt Liss and Uncle Brian. Before you freak out, let me say a few things.

A.We are very aware that there are other options, medical procedures, adoption, etc.
2.We are not closing the doors on having children forever, but this is our plan through at least 2009.
C.We don't need your input, we need your support.

This has been an excruciatingly painful year. Having been a basket case, and hyper-focused on one goal has been extremely difficult on our marriage. It's affected everything from my overall happiness to my job performance. We can't live like that anymore. The strain is just too unbearable. The test results have brought us to a new level of closeness in so many ways. Brian and I have really bound together and feel immensely connected. We have taken this decision very seriously and talk about it nightly. It's something we both think about through out the day.

We have an appointment to see a Reproductive Endocrinologist on December 19Th. But basically just to get some information. We will begin telling our families in the coming days. Some of them may even begin visiting this blog. I welcome that. In the mean time, I'm going to focus on everything I've left behind in the last 16 months: Me, my husband, friends and family. I'm going to appreciate the Holiday's and take one day at a time. I need that.

Speechless.

I have a whirlwind of thoughts flying through my head right now. There are so many topics that I feel I need to cover but I don't even know where to start. Friday we received the results from the first round of testing. They were not good. I'm not sure what I want to post at this point. But I needed to say something. Anything.

If you're pregnant, drop everything you're doing and throw it in my face please

I know it's because I'm hypersensitive to it right now but GOOD GOD other peoples pregnancy news is EVERYWHERE. In the last week I have purposefully avoided the regular sites that I go to because I needed a break from hearing about anything to do with reproduction. Then at lunch today I decided to give people.com a once over and the top story is Pete Wentz calling his newborn son "A Happy Accident". That's fantastic. I quickly closed the browser and figured I'd go to one website where I could find someone struggling like me, someone who like 19 days ago posted about getting her period, someone I didn't think would now be posting about morning sickness. The Infertility Diaries at Redbook.com. Evidently the period she posted about was implantation bleeding. I know that I should be happy for her, but today- I am not. I know my last post was pretty pathetic and sad. But I hope that this one exudes anger. I'm so angry and frustrated and exhausted from feeling my feelings and thinking about getting pregnant and more over, not being pregnant. I really want to scream. I just feel so jaded. I feel done. Like it may never happen for us and I'm okay with that it if means I can get my life back. My train of thought back. My emotions under control, or at the very least reasonably contained. FUCK.

A Long December

I can't wait for this year to be over. I know everyone complains about how time goes so quickly- "I can't believe it's almost Christmas", and so on.  But this has been a very long year for me. For us.  A long and disappointing year. Every month giving me a two week block of time where I swear I can feel the earth spinning that much slower.  

What is it about this month that presents the motion to reflect on what exactly you've made of your life in the last 48 weeks?  I wish I could forget it all. I know having gone through all of this made me that much stronger, I can at least see that. But the amount that I've grown will never fill the void that I feel. Like a flightless bird.  I feel broken. 

Movin' On Up

So this cycle I decided to take the easier route in ovulation detection. I bought the Clear Blue Easy Digital Ovulation Kits. They take all of the guess work out of determining what is a positive test and what isn't.

With the tests I was using before, you have to decipher a positive test from a negative test. It shows you two lines, the control line and the test line. The control is always a dark pink line, but the test line varies in shades depending on the amount of the Lutenizing Hormone detected. A positive test is defined by the test line being as dark or darker than the control line. Although occasionally the test line will be difficult to read, part of the test line will be darker than the other so it seems like its not a completely positive test. You also have to pee in a cup and then dip the test strip in. It's a little inconvenient at work.

So with the Clear Blue Easy tests all you have to do is pee on a stick and then it tells you the results with no question. If it is negative it shows a blank circle, and if it's positive it shows a happy little smiley face. Which believe me after trying for so long, a simple little digital smiley can totally make your day. I fully intended to add a picture of that fantastic little smiley guy but I got my smiley at work yesterday morning and couldn't exactly bring my 35mm format digital camera into the bathroom with me. So while these tests are much more user friendly and convenient they are also like a billion times the prices as the other tests. The other tests which I get from EarlyPregnancyTests.com run around $0.62 a piece while the digital ones run about $4.28 each. And in any given cycle you can use anywhere from 3 to 7 tests. When you have a regular cycle.

Anyhoodle, so I'm pretty sure I ovulated yesterday. I got the positive test in the morning and then I had ridiculous cramping and a dull pain on the right side of my abdomen. They call ovulation pain like that Mittelschmerz. And I only seem to get it when I ovulate from my right side. So I'm on to yet another two week wait. Man I'm not sure how many more of these I can take... Commence hail Mary's.

**** Update****

Okay I did take a picture with the camera on my phone. I sent it to Brian to notify him of his pending duties. ;) It just took me a while to figure out how to get it on here.

H.S.G. = D.O.N.E.

Yesterday I had my HSG. It was rather painful from start to finish, Oh but I don't just meant the procedure. Basically the entire visit. I sat around in the waiting room with Teresa, who was sweet enough to take me because they recommend you don't drive home yourself. Finally they called my name and took me into a small room where they gave me a two gowns to put on (one for the front and one for the back) I sat around a little more and a lovely woman named Jill came to walk me to my exam room. She was the assistant technician to the radiologist. Before he came in she asked me a few questions regarding what day of my cycle I was on and the length and flow of my last period. I mentioned something about how my period was like a minute shorter than it normally was and she turned around and looked at me like I told her there could be weapon of mass destruction in my vagina. After shear panic set in for me, she hurried out of the room and came back to tell me that I needed to take a pregnancy test. So I said fine, I was hoping to see another negative pregnancy test this month anyway, just give me something to pee on. Despite the fact that I was IN A HOSPITAL, Jill had no tests and insisted that either I or Teresa go to a drugstore and buy a pregnancy test. Let me just reiterate that little scenario in case you didn't catch it all: I was at the HOSPITAL for a test, because after 15 months of trying to get pregnant, I was still unsuccessful, but BEFORE they could give me this test, at THE HOSPITAL, they needed to make sure that 4 days after my last period, I still wasn't pregnant. GOT THAT?!

Good Lord. So Teresa ran to the store and got me the test and OF FUCKING COURSE, it was negative. So they finally took me back to the exam room and began prepping me for the procedure. Jill was very nice and explained everything to me like I was a 5 year old. Which I actually appreciated. The exam room was pretty intimidating it was nice to have my hand held a little. The radiologist came in, Dr. Knapper, as soon as I laid down on the table he said, "Whoa you're tall, how tall are you?" I told him I was 5'10ish, and he said "well you're going to have to scoot down on the table a little more" Then he said "You can never be too thin, too rich, or too far down on the table". He immediately apologized with a giggle and and said that he had to make a joke because I looked a little tense. I laughed. He was pretty nice. It was kind of cool because while they were doing it I was able to watch the monitor and got to see the dye fill up my uterus and spill out of my fallopian tubes. Pretty nutty. So I explained the procedure once before here. But let me just sum it up with: IT HURT. A LOT. I was pretty crampy and tender for the rest of the night, and even into this morning. But I feel fine now, all is well. And the best part is he said my test looked fine. Uterus looked normal, tubes were clear... I'm hoping that I will be amongst the small percentage of women who successfully conceive in the three months after an hsg. No pressure though right?

Ask Me No Questions...

One of the many battles I have waged over the last year or so is whether or not to tell people about our situation. Initally it was the element of surprise that made secrecy so appealing. I couldn't wait to take our families completely by surprise when we told them that we were expecting. But as the months rolled on I began to wonder why I kept it so close. We have only told a handful of people, and I still sort of like it that way. Never mind the fact that I created a blog about all things I couldn't find the courage to say to your lovely faces. It's only been a month or so that I even turned off the privacy settings. Up until that point if you had googled it , nothing would come up. Every now and then Brian will ask me, why. Why can't we just start telling people? Why do you feel the need to keep it bottled up like so many other things. We've had PLENTY of people ask us when we will start a family, and I typically dodge it by saying "someday". It's pretty much my biggest pet peeve. I don't ask people about their plans because I don't think its any of my business. (hint hint)

This is where Brian and I are VERY different. He typically speaks to many, many people about his predicaments and news. He gathers up their bits of information like a chipmunk preparing for the heaviest of winters. And I however, am like a fortress. Carefully selecting information that can be shared, and even filtering previously approved materials. I know that neither way is necessarily right. And I know that my tendency to conceal my dilema's is not exactly the healthiest path. But it's not as though I am concealing anything that could affect another person in a negative way. It just feels normal to me. Sometimes it doesn't even occur to me to share a particular part of my life with other people. But is my need for confidentiality all that abnormal or even worse, harmful?

After talking more about it with Brian I think we've decided to tell our families and maybe more of our friends after we get some information from this first round of tests. Because at that point we will most likely have a few answers for the considerable amount of questions that we will get from everyone. I don't know how comfortable I'm going to be with talking about it but I guess I have to start somewhere to find out...

Withdrawn

I went to the lab this morning to have my blood work done. I had an intriguing conversation with the lab guy:

Me: How are you today?

Tech Guy: Good. Have a seat.

Me: Mmmkay

Tech Guy: Make a fist please.(ties rubber around my arm, inserts needle thingie)

FIVE VIALS OF BLOOD LATER...

Me: Uhh do I get to keep any of that?

Tech Guy: The viles?

Me: No, my blood.

Tech Guy: (looks at paperwork, then me) Yes.

Me: Mmmkay. Thanks

Nope: with 50% more cynicism

The only way you can really be helpful when talking to a friend or family member who is having issues trying to get pregnant is by listening. Here are a few pearls of wisdom that have been passed my way:

"One Year isn't that long."
Shut up, yes it is. Infertility robs you of many things, contentment and sanity being the main ones. On top of that it forces you to live in two week increments: The two weeks before you ovulate and the two week wait to see if your attempt was successful. Again.

"Stop worrying about it."
Not only is that comment not constructive in any way, but you are basically telling me my feelings of frustration and sadness aren't valid. Piss off.

"Your day will come"
Don't patronize me with your optimism. My own didn't get me pregnant, what makes you think yours will?

And while I'm on my soapbox, DON'T ask people when they are going to have kids. If they haven't offered the details on their life altering decisions, they probably don't want to be interrogated by your ignorant ass.

Your Vote Counts

I feel pretty exhausted today. Last night we stayed up watching the election coverage, I cried many tears of joy and this morning my eyes looked like marshmellows. I know it sounds silly but I cry over Saved By The Bell, so a new president would surely make me loose it. I slept well, didn't wake up once infact. But something about crying just takes it out of me. I actually still feel like crying but I think it's just the phyisical hang over from having hyperventalated the night before. So I'm exhausted.

I'm also coming to the sobering realization about beginning this first round of testing. I've been so eager to get this started that I didn't think about the fact that now we will have to be concerned about results. This leads to a repeat of the seesaw I've been on since we got closer to the dreaded one year anniversary of ttc. Do we see a doctor? Do we wait it out? Obviously you know our decision. But now I am trying to control my emotions, and speculation which is proving much more difficult than that one decision. Here are my choices:

A. Hope that I am already pregnant and the $150.00 doctor visit was for nothing. (I'll know this sunday)
B. Hope that I will get pregnant immediately after the HSG, provided that evertyhthing is okay on Brian's side.
C. Expect not great news from all our testing, but hope that it's nothing that can't be fixed with a reasonable amount of time and money.
D. Not think about it, just focus on not crying at work. =)

What say you internet?

Great Expectations

Today we met with an OBGYN that specializes in the early rounds of fertility testing. I was pretty much right on the money as far as my speculation of our first round of tests. I will start with a blood test that requires me to fast, (boo) but it can be taken first thing in the morning (yeay). I'll have to get to the lab at 7:00am in order to be on time for work (boo), but that should still give me enough time to swing by Starbucks for my very limited indulgence of a pumpkin spice latte (yeay).

The blood test will be examined for glucose levels to make sure I'm not diabetic. FSH levels which is the Follicle Stimulating Hormone, this hormone is what stimulates follicles to grow which will trigger ovulation, its pretty important to have good levels. And lastly a screening for Cystic Fibrosis, this test is pretty standard for us white folks. About 3% of Caucasian people carry this gene and when both parents carry it there is a 25% chance that you could conceive a child that will have the disease. Since my grandfather is half Portuguese and Brian's grandfather was 100% Italian our chances of carrying the gene are greatly reduced, but not eliminated. This blood test will be taken on the third day of my cycle, or CD3. The first day of my cycle being the first day of my period.

Then on CD8, or cycle day 8, I will have an appointment with a radiologist for a hysterosalpingogram, or HSG. This is a procedure used to diagnose certain problems with the uterus and or fallopian tubes. Blockage in one or both fallopian tubes is responsible for almost 35% of infertility cases in women. A blocked tube can prevent fertilization of the egg or the passage of a fertilized egg to move to the uterus for implantation. Basically they will inject a dye into my cervix that will pass into my uterus and fallopian tubes. Then using an x-ray machine that will be placed over my abdomen, they will determine any blockages or abnormalities. Evidently its somewhat painful, especially because my uterus will begin expanding from the pressure of the dye, and then later it will contract to expel the dye. So I'll be having contractions. Great.

The good news is that the likeliness of pregnancy after an HSG is slightly increased. It's speculated that the force of the dye can help remove blockages or debris that have previously prevented the egg from moving along to the uterus to implant. Many also believe that the oil-based dyes have a therapeutic property that improves the environment inside the uterus.

The doctor we saw today was very encouraging, and has given me hope that our quest to begin a family isn't far from our grasp. I hope she's right.

Oh and Brian? He gets to do it in a cup.

Anticipation

Brian and I have our first appointment with a specialist tomorrow. I have to say I'm pretty excited. Even having made the appointment made me feel like we are that much closer to finally getting pregnant. Me. Pregnant. Holy crap. I know that realistically if these tests come back with any serious issues, that we are still looking at the very least, a year before any progress is made. There are just so many variables involved with treating infertility. Usually testing leads to more testing, which leads to medication, which requires more testing, which supposedly leads to me getting knocked up. So I hear. But that could take years. And lots of $$$$. On a side note, did you know it costs anywhere between $15,000 - $50,000 to adopt?!!! Jeez. Lets hope it doesn't get to that point.

Well I'll keep you updated with what happens tomorrow. I'm kind of hoping that just having made the appointment will have been enough to scare my uterus into conception but that is highly unlikely. I'm in the middle of my two-week-wait (or 2ww). I will likely know Sunday whether or not my scare tactics were successful. So I'll keep you posted there too.

Anniversary

Five years ago I married my soul mate

Today I am grateful for the life we have built together

Five years ago I still felt like a teenager

Today I am a woman, and someone's wife

Five years ago the thought of getting pregnant was still scary

Today the thought of not getting pregnant is scary

 Tonight we will celebrate all of the good times

And this might just help us forget a few of the bad....

Happy Anniversary Pie, I love you.

So You're Telling Me There's A Chance...

This is an article I stumbled across not too long ago regarding couples who have been trying to conceive for over a year. My personal doctor told me it typically takes 6 months. Great. And as I've said before every book I've read says that you should see a doctor if you have not successfully conceived within a year. Well here's a little something that says we actually have a shot in hell. It's called "Have Hope - Even After A Year". It goes on to talk about a new study presented at a reproductive medicine conference in Vienna, Austria, it showed that most healthy couples who haven't achieved pregnancy after one year of trying will ultimately conceive during the second year.

On that note. I made an appointment with a fertility specialist that works in my OBGYN's practice. It's on November 4Th. We will meet with her to discuss what our habits have been and what the first course of action should be. I'm thinking blood tests for me and a magazine with a sterilized cup for Brian. This is by no means an aggressive analysis. I'm just ready to take the first step. I'm not always an advocate of medical intervention, but I am a fan of getting my sanity back. Just like having a baby, trying to make one effects almost everything a woman does.

It effects the food I eat, it dictates the the beverages I drink - decaf, non alcoholic, sugarfree... It effects my social calendar and my overall happiness. All of the responsibilties with none of the perks. No count down until I get to meet this little person we've made, no grinning when I tell our acquaitances about my due date, none of the good stuff. We've known couples that took a well over a year to conceive. But my patience is fading. And so is my libido. Its time to make a move.

Nope.

Menses - men·ses - \Men"ses\ mehn-sees
pl.n. (used with a sing. or pl. verb)

• A period. Cyclic (monthly) flow of blood (menstruation) signifying ovulation, but failure to achieve pregnancy.

•  Menses - the monthly discharge of blood from the uterus of nonpregnant women from puberty to menopause.
  

Dear Diary: I'm Still Not Pregnant

If you've read more than one of my posts you 'd know that I truly have run the full gamut of emotions. I'm fine, I'm a mess, I'm confident, I'm spiteful, desperate, cynical, hopeful; you were there, you get the point.

I think even before we started trying something inside told me this would not go easily for me. Hence being so adamant about not telling anyone we were trying to begin with. In the last few months I have began to seek more and more solace from various sites on the Internet; blogs, chat rooms, support groups and articles about infertility. All of which have only solidified the one thing I somehow knew in the back of my mind: That not only was my journey going to be more difficult than most, but longer too. To the right of the of the page you will see a few different websites that I highly recommend. The blogs and articles are written by some of the most amazing women. They are warriors. Their stories make my little play seem so petty and insignificant. My favorite of them all is a blog entitled Maybe If You Just Relax by Jen Knepper. This post specifically is my favorite. She is extremely honest, poignant and above all hilarious and I am eternally grateful I fell upon her blog. So grateful in fact that I sent her a little email... And she was gracious enough to write back.

From: Melissa Griffin

Subject: Thank you

To: Jennifer Knepper

Thursday, September 18, 2008, 6:06 PM

Hi Jen,

I just recently found your blog on Redbook, which lead be to Maybe If You Just Relax. I am so glad I found your site but wish that I had found it sooner. Like during the 6 months I thought about having myself committed. jk. I have been trying to get pregnant for just over a year and my husband and I are tiptoeing around the idea of going to fertility clinic. Even though it's only been a year, I feel like I have been through SO much but then I read your blog and a few other women's and I feel like I ain't seen nothing yet. Ugh.

Well enough crap about me, I just really wanted to thank you for your stories. You are a fantastic writer and every one of your posts makes me laugh. I definitely need that. I admire how honest you are and you have become one of the VERY few pregnant women that I wouldn't squint at and call a whore under my breath. I really am happy for you. I didn't think I could say that to any woman with child. But for you, I actually mean it.

Thanks again,
Melissa Griffin

Her Response:

Hi Melissa,
Thank you so much for your sweet email! I love to hear from readers.

I can definitely say that I know how you feel - I remember the one year mark very well. But trust me, you'll get used to showing your vagina to every doctor in your state of residence and won't even bat an eye! Still, I wish you the best of luck, and hope you end up not needing assistance after all.

If you ever have any questions or anything, let me know. And thanks again for writing!
-Jen
_______________________________________________
Making people uncomfortable with stories about my vagina since 2007:
http://www.jennepper.com/

Blogging publicly about our reproductive debacles since 2008:
www.redbookmag.com/your/infertility

I think her response explains everything I enjoy about her writing. Thanks again Jen. And Congratulations on your little girl.

This is me: not panicking...

Brian and I have resolved to not "try" anymore... No we're not giving up, it's my latest attempt at rescuing my sanity. At least that is how Brian explained it to me. So basically I'm not going to use ovulation kits for a while. I know the approximate time line of when I'm going to ovulate so I'm just going to live with that. While I took time off last month because of the medication I was on I realized I was still not as relaxed as I thought I was...It was so nice not to have to test or check the calendar or basically try. 

While we were on vacation in Tahoe last month during my "time off" I spilled my guts as to the desperation I felt around this time of the month. I told him how everything reminded me of the fact that a deadline was coming. Between counting the days and calculating the best times to have "fun" and using my ovulation tests twice per day for anywhere from three to five days, and reminding myself not to drink as much water so that the test would be accurate, and when I didn't ovulate on my regular date I would get more and more agitated as I received negative test after negative test... Basically testing was exacerbating my already neurotic habits. I know how many posts I've made about being all done with the crazy and not stressing anymore, but the thing is I don't always see it as stress. I see it as planning... And actually I am able to identify it in other situations that require a lot of planning or forethought. So anyway the last few weeks have been pretty good and pretty much any time getting pregnant popped into my tiny brain I just shrug it off and move on to singing the latest Jason Mraz song that I won't outwardly admit to liking. Taking last month off was really good for me, no plotting, no planning, no calculating. Until lunch today...

It started innocently enough. I jumped into my Outlook Calendar at work to make a change in my schedule and I noticed that single appointment with a lower case o, which signifies potential ovulation. I knew it was coming up but I hadn't paid too much attention to the actual date it might be. Well then I thought about what dates Brian and I had recently had "fun" and comparing it to the date when I might ovulate and when and when the next time we should have fun will be. And then then muscles in my lower back started to tighten and my thoughts started to race, and then my vision started to dim and and the room was spinning, and not in a good way. Holy shit. So I took a deep breathe, closed my calendar and walked away from my computer. Man that was a close one. So fortunately because of my momentary clarity I was able to recognize the panic that almost consumed me.

Well now that I have had my little set back and regained my clarity; I am back to relaxing. And by Wednesday night around 6:32 I will be REALLY relaxed because Brian is making me get a massage. What a wonderful Husband I have.