Clarity

Writing yesterdays post was easier than I thought it would be. It also felt better than I thought it would. I don't feel sad anymore. I feel free.

The dust is still settling on life we thought we would have created together, but amongst the ashes is another one. Together, of course. The agony I felt month after month when I realized that something I thought I felt and loved never actually existed, is beginning to fade. And the horizon looks clear, and wide open.

There are still so many questions running through my head. The "what ifs" that I can't escape, the "what nows" that I try to focus on. I think about the fact that we still have options, but I flinch when I realize the roller coaster of emotions that would come with it, and the odds that are stacked in its favor. I think about the fact that the lines in our families may stop with us. If my brother never has children, or if Brian's brother never has children. That's it. I think about how much this will weigh on our families, especially our parents, when they realize they may never have grandchildren, at least not by us. And the list goes on...

When will I stop thinking about it everyday?

Will I always have this kind of resolve?

Should we come right out and tell people, like we've just booked a trip to Mexico, or should we wait until it's a topic of conversation?

Will sending out Christmas cards with my dog's picture only remind people that we can't have children?

What will become of the friendships we have once more of our friends start having kids?

How will I feel I at Baby Showers and children's Birthday parties?

What in gods name will I write about now???

Nope.

This is probably the last time I will write one of these posts. The results from the tests show that we are very unlikely to conceive without medical intervention. Brian and I have decided that we do not wish to pursue treatments at this time. Man that sounded litigious. I didn't mean it that way. Let me start over.

I'm not going to post about when I get my period anymore. Brian and I are going to be D.I.N.K.'s (Double Income, No Kids) or better yet: Aunt Liss and Uncle Brian. Before you freak out, let me say a few things.

A.We are very aware that there are other options, medical procedures, adoption, etc.
2.We are not closing the doors on having children forever, but this is our plan through at least 2009.
C.We don't need your input, we need your support.

This has been an excruciatingly painful year. Having been a basket case, and hyper-focused on one goal has been extremely difficult on our marriage. It's affected everything from my overall happiness to my job performance. We can't live like that anymore. The strain is just too unbearable. The test results have brought us to a new level of closeness in so many ways. Brian and I have really bound together and feel immensely connected. We have taken this decision very seriously and talk about it nightly. It's something we both think about through out the day.

We have an appointment to see a Reproductive Endocrinologist on December 19Th. But basically just to get some information. We will begin telling our families in the coming days. Some of them may even begin visiting this blog. I welcome that. In the mean time, I'm going to focus on everything I've left behind in the last 16 months: Me, my husband, friends and family. I'm going to appreciate the Holiday's and take one day at a time. I need that.

Speechless.

I have a whirlwind of thoughts flying through my head right now. There are so many topics that I feel I need to cover but I don't even know where to start. Friday we received the results from the first round of testing. They were not good. I'm not sure what I want to post at this point. But I needed to say something. Anything.

If you're pregnant, drop everything you're doing and throw it in my face please

I know it's because I'm hypersensitive to it right now but GOOD GOD other peoples pregnancy news is EVERYWHERE. In the last week I have purposefully avoided the regular sites that I go to because I needed a break from hearing about anything to do with reproduction. Then at lunch today I decided to give people.com a once over and the top story is Pete Wentz calling his newborn son "A Happy Accident". That's fantastic. I quickly closed the browser and figured I'd go to one website where I could find someone struggling like me, someone who like 19 days ago posted about getting her period, someone I didn't think would now be posting about morning sickness. The Infertility Diaries at Redbook.com. Evidently the period she posted about was implantation bleeding. I know that I should be happy for her, but today- I am not. I know my last post was pretty pathetic and sad. But I hope that this one exudes anger. I'm so angry and frustrated and exhausted from feeling my feelings and thinking about getting pregnant and more over, not being pregnant. I really want to scream. I just feel so jaded. I feel done. Like it may never happen for us and I'm okay with that it if means I can get my life back. My train of thought back. My emotions under control, or at the very least reasonably contained. FUCK.

A Long December

I can't wait for this year to be over. I know everyone complains about how time goes so quickly- "I can't believe it's almost Christmas", and so on.  But this has been a very long year for me. For us.  A long and disappointing year. Every month giving me a two week block of time where I swear I can feel the earth spinning that much slower.  

What is it about this month that presents the motion to reflect on what exactly you've made of your life in the last 48 weeks?  I wish I could forget it all. I know having gone through all of this made me that much stronger, I can at least see that. But the amount that I've grown will never fill the void that I feel. Like a flightless bird.  I feel broken. 

Movin' On Up

So this cycle I decided to take the easier route in ovulation detection. I bought the Clear Blue Easy Digital Ovulation Kits. They take all of the guess work out of determining what is a positive test and what isn't.

With the tests I was using before, you have to decipher a positive test from a negative test. It shows you two lines, the control line and the test line. The control is always a dark pink line, but the test line varies in shades depending on the amount of the Lutenizing Hormone detected. A positive test is defined by the test line being as dark or darker than the control line. Although occasionally the test line will be difficult to read, part of the test line will be darker than the other so it seems like its not a completely positive test. You also have to pee in a cup and then dip the test strip in. It's a little inconvenient at work.

So with the Clear Blue Easy tests all you have to do is pee on a stick and then it tells you the results with no question. If it is negative it shows a blank circle, and if it's positive it shows a happy little smiley face. Which believe me after trying for so long, a simple little digital smiley can totally make your day. I fully intended to add a picture of that fantastic little smiley guy but I got my smiley at work yesterday morning and couldn't exactly bring my 35mm format digital camera into the bathroom with me. So while these tests are much more user friendly and convenient they are also like a billion times the prices as the other tests. The other tests which I get from EarlyPregnancyTests.com run around $0.62 a piece while the digital ones run about $4.28 each. And in any given cycle you can use anywhere from 3 to 7 tests. When you have a regular cycle.

Anyhoodle, so I'm pretty sure I ovulated yesterday. I got the positive test in the morning and then I had ridiculous cramping and a dull pain on the right side of my abdomen. They call ovulation pain like that Mittelschmerz. And I only seem to get it when I ovulate from my right side. So I'm on to yet another two week wait. Man I'm not sure how many more of these I can take... Commence hail Mary's.

**** Update****

Okay I did take a picture with the camera on my phone. I sent it to Brian to notify him of his pending duties. ;) It just took me a while to figure out how to get it on here.

H.S.G. = D.O.N.E.

Yesterday I had my HSG. It was rather painful from start to finish, Oh but I don't just meant the procedure. Basically the entire visit. I sat around in the waiting room with Teresa, who was sweet enough to take me because they recommend you don't drive home yourself. Finally they called my name and took me into a small room where they gave me a two gowns to put on (one for the front and one for the back) I sat around a little more and a lovely woman named Jill came to walk me to my exam room. She was the assistant technician to the radiologist. Before he came in she asked me a few questions regarding what day of my cycle I was on and the length and flow of my last period. I mentioned something about how my period was like a minute shorter than it normally was and she turned around and looked at me like I told her there could be weapon of mass destruction in my vagina. After shear panic set in for me, she hurried out of the room and came back to tell me that I needed to take a pregnancy test. So I said fine, I was hoping to see another negative pregnancy test this month anyway, just give me something to pee on. Despite the fact that I was IN A HOSPITAL, Jill had no tests and insisted that either I or Teresa go to a drugstore and buy a pregnancy test. Let me just reiterate that little scenario in case you didn't catch it all: I was at the HOSPITAL for a test, because after 15 months of trying to get pregnant, I was still unsuccessful, but BEFORE they could give me this test, at THE HOSPITAL, they needed to make sure that 4 days after my last period, I still wasn't pregnant. GOT THAT?!

Good Lord. So Teresa ran to the store and got me the test and OF FUCKING COURSE, it was negative. So they finally took me back to the exam room and began prepping me for the procedure. Jill was very nice and explained everything to me like I was a 5 year old. Which I actually appreciated. The exam room was pretty intimidating it was nice to have my hand held a little. The radiologist came in, Dr. Knapper, as soon as I laid down on the table he said, "Whoa you're tall, how tall are you?" I told him I was 5'10ish, and he said "well you're going to have to scoot down on the table a little more" Then he said "You can never be too thin, too rich, or too far down on the table". He immediately apologized with a giggle and and said that he had to make a joke because I looked a little tense. I laughed. He was pretty nice. It was kind of cool because while they were doing it I was able to watch the monitor and got to see the dye fill up my uterus and spill out of my fallopian tubes. Pretty nutty. So I explained the procedure once before here. But let me just sum it up with: IT HURT. A LOT. I was pretty crampy and tender for the rest of the night, and even into this morning. But I feel fine now, all is well. And the best part is he said my test looked fine. Uterus looked normal, tubes were clear... I'm hoping that I will be amongst the small percentage of women who successfully conceive in the three months after an hsg. No pressure though right?

Ask Me No Questions...

One of the many battles I have waged over the last year or so is whether or not to tell people about our situation. Initally it was the element of surprise that made secrecy so appealing. I couldn't wait to take our families completely by surprise when we told them that we were expecting. But as the months rolled on I began to wonder why I kept it so close. We have only told a handful of people, and I still sort of like it that way. Never mind the fact that I created a blog about all things I couldn't find the courage to say to your lovely faces. It's only been a month or so that I even turned off the privacy settings. Up until that point if you had googled it , nothing would come up. Every now and then Brian will ask me, why. Why can't we just start telling people? Why do you feel the need to keep it bottled up like so many other things. We've had PLENTY of people ask us when we will start a family, and I typically dodge it by saying "someday". It's pretty much my biggest pet peeve. I don't ask people about their plans because I don't think its any of my business. (hint hint)

This is where Brian and I are VERY different. He typically speaks to many, many people about his predicaments and news. He gathers up their bits of information like a chipmunk preparing for the heaviest of winters. And I however, am like a fortress. Carefully selecting information that can be shared, and even filtering previously approved materials. I know that neither way is necessarily right. And I know that my tendency to conceal my dilema's is not exactly the healthiest path. But it's not as though I am concealing anything that could affect another person in a negative way. It just feels normal to me. Sometimes it doesn't even occur to me to share a particular part of my life with other people. But is my need for confidentiality all that abnormal or even worse, harmful?

After talking more about it with Brian I think we've decided to tell our families and maybe more of our friends after we get some information from this first round of tests. Because at that point we will most likely have a few answers for the considerable amount of questions that we will get from everyone. I don't know how comfortable I'm going to be with talking about it but I guess I have to start somewhere to find out...

Withdrawn

I went to the lab this morning to have my blood work done. I had an intriguing conversation with the lab guy:

Me: How are you today?

Tech Guy: Good. Have a seat.

Me: Mmmkay

Tech Guy: Make a fist please.(ties rubber around my arm, inserts needle thingie)

FIVE VIALS OF BLOOD LATER...

Me: Uhh do I get to keep any of that?

Tech Guy: The viles?

Me: No, my blood.

Tech Guy: (looks at paperwork, then me) Yes.

Me: Mmmkay. Thanks

Nope: with 50% more cynicism

The only way you can really be helpful when talking to a friend or family member who is having issues trying to get pregnant is by listening. Here are a few pearls of wisdom that have been passed my way:

"One Year isn't that long."
Shut up, yes it is. Infertility robs you of many things, contentment and sanity being the main ones. On top of that it forces you to live in two week increments: The two weeks before you ovulate and the two week wait to see if your attempt was successful. Again.

"Stop worrying about it."
Not only is that comment not constructive in any way, but you are basically telling me my feelings of frustration and sadness aren't valid. Piss off.

"Your day will come"
Don't patronize me with your optimism. My own didn't get me pregnant, what makes you think yours will?

And while I'm on my soapbox, DON'T ask people when they are going to have kids. If they haven't offered the details on their life altering decisions, they probably don't want to be interrogated by your ignorant ass.

Your Vote Counts

I feel pretty exhausted today. Last night we stayed up watching the election coverage, I cried many tears of joy and this morning my eyes looked like marshmellows. I know it sounds silly but I cry over Saved By The Bell, so a new president would surely make me loose it. I slept well, didn't wake up once infact. But something about crying just takes it out of me. I actually still feel like crying but I think it's just the phyisical hang over from having hyperventalated the night before. So I'm exhausted.

I'm also coming to the sobering realization about beginning this first round of testing. I've been so eager to get this started that I didn't think about the fact that now we will have to be concerned about results. This leads to a repeat of the seesaw I've been on since we got closer to the dreaded one year anniversary of ttc. Do we see a doctor? Do we wait it out? Obviously you know our decision. But now I am trying to control my emotions, and speculation which is proving much more difficult than that one decision. Here are my choices:

A. Hope that I am already pregnant and the $150.00 doctor visit was for nothing. (I'll know this sunday)
B. Hope that I will get pregnant immediately after the HSG, provided that evertyhthing is okay on Brian's side.
C. Expect not great news from all our testing, but hope that it's nothing that can't be fixed with a reasonable amount of time and money.
D. Not think about it, just focus on not crying at work. =)

What say you internet?

Great Expectations

Today we met with an OBGYN that specializes in the early rounds of fertility testing. I was pretty much right on the money as far as my speculation of our first round of tests. I will start with a blood test that requires me to fast, (boo) but it can be taken first thing in the morning (yeay). I'll have to get to the lab at 7:00am in order to be on time for work (boo), but that should still give me enough time to swing by Starbucks for my very limited indulgence of a pumpkin spice latte (yeay).

The blood test will be examined for glucose levels to make sure I'm not diabetic. FSH levels which is the Follicle Stimulating Hormone, this hormone is what stimulates follicles to grow which will trigger ovulation, its pretty important to have good levels. And lastly a screening for Cystic Fibrosis, this test is pretty standard for us white folks. About 3% of Caucasian people carry this gene and when both parents carry it there is a 25% chance that you could conceive a child that will have the disease. Since my grandfather is half Portuguese and Brian's grandfather was 100% Italian our chances of carrying the gene are greatly reduced, but not eliminated. This blood test will be taken on the third day of my cycle, or CD3. The first day of my cycle being the first day of my period.

Then on CD8, or cycle day 8, I will have an appointment with a radiologist for a hysterosalpingogram, or HSG. This is a procedure used to diagnose certain problems with the uterus and or fallopian tubes. Blockage in one or both fallopian tubes is responsible for almost 35% of infertility cases in women. A blocked tube can prevent fertilization of the egg or the passage of a fertilized egg to move to the uterus for implantation. Basically they will inject a dye into my cervix that will pass into my uterus and fallopian tubes. Then using an x-ray machine that will be placed over my abdomen, they will determine any blockages or abnormalities. Evidently its somewhat painful, especially because my uterus will begin expanding from the pressure of the dye, and then later it will contract to expel the dye. So I'll be having contractions. Great.

The good news is that the likeliness of pregnancy after an HSG is slightly increased. It's speculated that the force of the dye can help remove blockages or debris that have previously prevented the egg from moving along to the uterus to implant. Many also believe that the oil-based dyes have a therapeutic property that improves the environment inside the uterus.

The doctor we saw today was very encouraging, and has given me hope that our quest to begin a family isn't far from our grasp. I hope she's right.

Oh and Brian? He gets to do it in a cup.

Anticipation

Brian and I have our first appointment with a specialist tomorrow. I have to say I'm pretty excited. Even having made the appointment made me feel like we are that much closer to finally getting pregnant. Me. Pregnant. Holy crap. I know that realistically if these tests come back with any serious issues, that we are still looking at the very least, a year before any progress is made. There are just so many variables involved with treating infertility. Usually testing leads to more testing, which leads to medication, which requires more testing, which supposedly leads to me getting knocked up. So I hear. But that could take years. And lots of $$$$. On a side note, did you know it costs anywhere between $15,000 - $50,000 to adopt?!!! Jeez. Lets hope it doesn't get to that point.

Well I'll keep you updated with what happens tomorrow. I'm kind of hoping that just having made the appointment will have been enough to scare my uterus into conception but that is highly unlikely. I'm in the middle of my two-week-wait (or 2ww). I will likely know Sunday whether or not my scare tactics were successful. So I'll keep you posted there too.

Anniversary

Five years ago I married my soul mate

Today I am grateful for the life we have built together

Five years ago I still felt like a teenager

Today I am a woman, and someone's wife

Five years ago the thought of getting pregnant was still scary

Today the thought of not getting pregnant is scary

 Tonight we will celebrate all of the good times

And this might just help us forget a few of the bad....

Happy Anniversary Pie, I love you.

So You're Telling Me There's A Chance...

This is an article I stumbled across not too long ago regarding couples who have been trying to conceive for over a year. My personal doctor told me it typically takes 6 months. Great. And as I've said before every book I've read says that you should see a doctor if you have not successfully conceived within a year. Well here's a little something that says we actually have a shot in hell. It's called "Have Hope - Even After A Year". It goes on to talk about a new study presented at a reproductive medicine conference in Vienna, Austria, it showed that most healthy couples who haven't achieved pregnancy after one year of trying will ultimately conceive during the second year.

On that note. I made an appointment with a fertility specialist that works in my OBGYN's practice. It's on November 4Th. We will meet with her to discuss what our habits have been and what the first course of action should be. I'm thinking blood tests for me and a magazine with a sterilized cup for Brian. This is by no means an aggressive analysis. I'm just ready to take the first step. I'm not always an advocate of medical intervention, but I am a fan of getting my sanity back. Just like having a baby, trying to make one effects almost everything a woman does.

It effects the food I eat, it dictates the the beverages I drink - decaf, non alcoholic, sugarfree... It effects my social calendar and my overall happiness. All of the responsibilties with none of the perks. No count down until I get to meet this little person we've made, no grinning when I tell our acquaitances about my due date, none of the good stuff. We've known couples that took a well over a year to conceive. But my patience is fading. And so is my libido. Its time to make a move.

Nope.

Menses - men·ses - \Men"ses\ mehn-sees
pl.n. (used with a sing. or pl. verb)

• A period. Cyclic (monthly) flow of blood (menstruation) signifying ovulation, but failure to achieve pregnancy.

•  Menses - the monthly discharge of blood from the uterus of nonpregnant women from puberty to menopause.
  

Dear Diary: I'm Still Not Pregnant

If you've read more than one of my posts you 'd know that I truly have run the full gamut of emotions. I'm fine, I'm a mess, I'm confident, I'm spiteful, desperate, cynical, hopeful; you were there, you get the point.

I think even before we started trying something inside told me this would not go easily for me. Hence being so adamant about not telling anyone we were trying to begin with. In the last few months I have began to seek more and more solace from various sites on the Internet; blogs, chat rooms, support groups and articles about infertility. All of which have only solidified the one thing I somehow knew in the back of my mind: That not only was my journey going to be more difficult than most, but longer too. To the right of the of the page you will see a few different websites that I highly recommend. The blogs and articles are written by some of the most amazing women. They are warriors. Their stories make my little play seem so petty and insignificant. My favorite of them all is a blog entitled Maybe If You Just Relax by Jen Knepper. This post specifically is my favorite. She is extremely honest, poignant and above all hilarious and I am eternally grateful I fell upon her blog. So grateful in fact that I sent her a little email... And she was gracious enough to write back.

From: Melissa Griffin

Subject: Thank you

To: Jennifer Knepper

Thursday, September 18, 2008, 6:06 PM

Hi Jen,

I just recently found your blog on Redbook, which lead be to Maybe If You Just Relax. I am so glad I found your site but wish that I had found it sooner. Like during the 6 months I thought about having myself committed. jk. I have been trying to get pregnant for just over a year and my husband and I are tiptoeing around the idea of going to fertility clinic. Even though it's only been a year, I feel like I have been through SO much but then I read your blog and a few other women's and I feel like I ain't seen nothing yet. Ugh.

Well enough crap about me, I just really wanted to thank you for your stories. You are a fantastic writer and every one of your posts makes me laugh. I definitely need that. I admire how honest you are and you have become one of the VERY few pregnant women that I wouldn't squint at and call a whore under my breath. I really am happy for you. I didn't think I could say that to any woman with child. But for you, I actually mean it.

Thanks again,
Melissa Griffin

Her Response:

Hi Melissa,
Thank you so much for your sweet email! I love to hear from readers.

I can definitely say that I know how you feel - I remember the one year mark very well. But trust me, you'll get used to showing your vagina to every doctor in your state of residence and won't even bat an eye! Still, I wish you the best of luck, and hope you end up not needing assistance after all.

If you ever have any questions or anything, let me know. And thanks again for writing!
-Jen
_______________________________________________
Making people uncomfortable with stories about my vagina since 2007:
http://www.jennepper.com/

Blogging publicly about our reproductive debacles since 2008:
www.redbookmag.com/your/infertility

I think her response explains everything I enjoy about her writing. Thanks again Jen. And Congratulations on your little girl.

This is me: not panicking...

Brian and I have resolved to not "try" anymore... No we're not giving up, it's my latest attempt at rescuing my sanity. At least that is how Brian explained it to me. So basically I'm not going to use ovulation kits for a while. I know the approximate time line of when I'm going to ovulate so I'm just going to live with that. While I took time off last month because of the medication I was on I realized I was still not as relaxed as I thought I was...It was so nice not to have to test or check the calendar or basically try. 

While we were on vacation in Tahoe last month during my "time off" I spilled my guts as to the desperation I felt around this time of the month. I told him how everything reminded me of the fact that a deadline was coming. Between counting the days and calculating the best times to have "fun" and using my ovulation tests twice per day for anywhere from three to five days, and reminding myself not to drink as much water so that the test would be accurate, and when I didn't ovulate on my regular date I would get more and more agitated as I received negative test after negative test... Basically testing was exacerbating my already neurotic habits. I know how many posts I've made about being all done with the crazy and not stressing anymore, but the thing is I don't always see it as stress. I see it as planning... And actually I am able to identify it in other situations that require a lot of planning or forethought. So anyway the last few weeks have been pretty good and pretty much any time getting pregnant popped into my tiny brain I just shrug it off and move on to singing the latest Jason Mraz song that I won't outwardly admit to liking. Taking last month off was really good for me, no plotting, no planning, no calculating. Until lunch today...

It started innocently enough. I jumped into my Outlook Calendar at work to make a change in my schedule and I noticed that single appointment with a lower case o, which signifies potential ovulation. I knew it was coming up but I hadn't paid too much attention to the actual date it might be. Well then I thought about what dates Brian and I had recently had "fun" and comparing it to the date when I might ovulate and when and when the next time we should have fun will be. And then then muscles in my lower back started to tighten and my thoughts started to race, and then my vision started to dim and and the room was spinning, and not in a good way. Holy shit. So I took a deep breathe, closed my calendar and walked away from my computer. Man that was a close one. So fortunately because of my momentary clarity I was able to recognize the panic that almost consumed me.

Well now that I have had my little set back and regained my clarity; I am back to relaxing. And by Wednesday night around 6:32 I will be REALLY relaxed because Brian is making me get a massage. What a wonderful Husband I have.

Sticking A Fork In The Baby Making Road

What if I never know what its like to see that second line on a home pregnancy test? What if we can never have kids?

I have recently been reading other women's blogs about TTC. Most of them are much further into the journey than I am. Most of them are talking about fertility treatments that include pills, shots, creams, and even surgery. Most of them have been trying for years and have spent thousands of dollars and still haven't gotten pregnant.

What if we don't want to go that far? What we don't want to adopt?

I feel like we have been through so much in the last year. But in comparison to the heartache that some couples have been through, we ain't seen nothin' yet. I feel like this really may not happen for us. And it's not sadness talking, but maybe a kind of resolve. Like I am coming to terms with the fact that it may not be in the cards for us. I feel like the time is closing in on what kind of discussions we need to start having together then with our families. I hate that two weeks ago I was ready to break down the doors of the first Fertility Clinic I found and jump into their stirrups, and now. Well now I don't know if I want to deal with any of that. Part of me wants to just find out if we can or not. But then I think about the people who didn't take that route. I have one friend who tried for two years then finally got pregnant - with no medical intervention. We have some friends who tried for nine years and some who tried for thirteen and finally got their baby... Do I want to hang on that long? I don't know.

What we will spend our double incomes on? What sort of exotic vacations are in store for us?

That probably sounds insensitive right? Well what if I'm feeling insensitive?! Haven't I earned the right to be sarcastic and cold?

I was five days late this month. FIVE. I have never been that late. I took at test last night and it was negative. Then I got my period this afternoon. We technically took last month off because of the medication I had to take for that rash. Brian and I were still careful and didn't "try". But lets just say our method was not exactly bomb proof. So when I was late this week I was all: NO WAY! Are you kidding me? That would be just like us to get it right when we were trying to get it wrong! But we didn't... And that medication? Well it fucked me all up. It gave me such bad vertigo I was afraid to drive. And Sunday I had such strong fatigue that I barely got out of bed all day. It felt like the time I had carbon monoxide poisoning. Ugh. Where do we go from here?

Nope.

UGH.

Change of Heart

Okay so I never ended up making an appointment with the Fertility Clinic. I think I might hold off a bit. Plus we can both get the first round of tests done by my primary doctor. So I don't quite feel the same need to set up an appointment. Guess it was just a bad day. Not that I am changing my mind completely, just that I think I can wait a couple more months. We'll see I might change my mind again in a couple of days. Who knows.

Infertility: A Double Feature

You've seen those suspense movies where you think you have it all figured out and you're sure they are going to save the day with just a second to spare? But then they throw in a major screw ball twist that you didn't see coming! And that's the part where doubt creeps in... I know its only been a few weeks since my doctor gave me a glimmer of hope. But that sadly, was short lived. What I didn't mention is that when she walked me out of the exam room, she handed me a business card for the Pacific Fertility Center. And it's been burning a hole in my wallet ever since. I can't help but think what a waste of time it might be trying, unknowingly, in vain for the next few months. She handed it to me with a soft smile and told me to call it when I felt ready. Turns out: I'm ready for my close up.

Brian and I had talked a month or two ago and decided we weren't ready to shop for a fertility clinic just yet. But I don't feel that way anymore. I want a baby, and I'm tired of waiting. I'm not stressed. I'm not depressed. I'm just overdue. It's officially been a year this month since we started trying but it feels like an eternity. I have been back and forth with telling myself that we could be perfectly healthy and it really will just happen when its supposed to. But I'm kind of feeling that is just delusional cheerleadery bullshit. Yep. I think I need to make that phone call. SOON. I imagine that it will be at least a month or three before I can get an appointment anyway. Or I guess I really should be saying "we". It may not be me.... Sorry dear but that is a fact. One that I pray does not affect us... Here goes nothing.

***** Update: I just left the office to go outside and make the phone call and it turns out I need to do some routine testing through my doctor before I spend $325 on a 1 hour consultation. Yikes. 8/29/2008

Parolee

Time off for good behavior? Not exactly. I have developed a tremendously itchy rash. Sexy ehh? It's no big deal, doc says it should heal up fine. The original remedy she gave me didn't quite cut it, so now I have to take something slightly more toxic. Cooool. Anyhow, that means no baby making this month. The good news is - that is a whole 3 weeks of wine for me! Wooo hooo. Bad news is - it pushes my eternally potential due date back yet again. Interestingly enough she is not the only doctor I saw today.

I had my annual visit with my OBGYN. She's great by the way. We talked doggies and babies. We also talked infertility. She told me one thing I didn't want to hear: It takes most people about 6 months to get pregnant. But she did say something that made me want to jump for moderate relief. But I couldn't because my feet were in the stirrups. She said although most doctors recommend seeing a fertility expert after one year of no luck. Inertility used to be defined by 2 years with no luck. She said people just seem to be on the fast track these days and that plenty of couples will conceive after a year without medical intervention. Whew!

I guess its more wait and see. Something I have gotten used to. And better at.

Nope.

Not this month either. I'm okay this time. I am. I feel fine. I'm actually a little surprised by just how fine I really feel. I also feel like having a baby is inevitable for me.

It will happen.

Long Time Gone

I'd hate for my absence to appear as though I am no longer invested in this blog... I just don't need it in the same way that I used to. I have currently found an additional outlet at yahoo answers.com . It's a large forum where you can ask any type of question that will likely be answered by a complete stranger from Des Moines. They also have specific categories where ladies like me have a place to ask questions that you may not necessarily get without the obligation of a co-pay. The people on there are not all doctors but women who share a common thread. TTC, Trying To Conceive. It's a great place to ask: "Has anyone else experienced this?" or "what the hell does this mean?". Sometimes it's not a question so much as an opportunity to blurt out good news or frustration. And it is immediately responded to accordingly. Of course you can get the occasional 13 year old meat head, who comes in to make inappropriate remarks, but its rare and they have a "policing" system for reporting such creatures.

Anyhoodle, it's a fantastic place where I have used my powers fueled by pain and frustration for good instead of evil. It feels so good to theoretically raise your hand and say "Holy shit, me too!". And I think I have been helpful...

So I guess makes it the Internet 2, despair 0.

Lucky #6

Its an epidemic...

Congratulations Teresa and John. Love you.

Eveready

I feel slightly uninspired to write, but also somewhat obligated. I want to stop thinking about all the baby stuff, but I am constantly reminded of it.

I was looking around online a few weeks ago and came across this forum that discussed the issues women face while trying to become pregnant. In order to partake in the discussion I had to register with the site. Well some how my account information got messed up and it shows my profile as already being a mom, and they now send me emails on other discussions Mom's have and sales on baby items. For some reason I am unable to change my profile or unsubscribe to their relentless emails. It keeps telling me there is an error of some sort. I even emailed the "tech help" section and they sent me step by step instructions that have no use or meaning to me. So I am subjected to a daily reminder that I have no need for any baby items that are now 30-50% OFF!!!

Its also raining babies among our various social circles. I found out yet another couple is expecting their first. Congratulations Mike and Boo. I mean that. I think. Yeah, I do. I'm not bitter anymore. Oh yeah, that's number 5 by the way- if anyone else is keeping count.

I think on the "bad days" I just feel a little blue. But it is really much better than it has been. I dream about it pretty often, a couple of days ago I had this dream that a woman was telling me I was going to have a boy next month. I couldn't quite remember or interpret if I was already pregnant or what... But it was intriguing at the very least. Most of my dreams have to do with me already having a baby or telling people I'm pregnant but I wouldn't be showing yet. So I can only hope that it's a foreshadow of some sort. Then again talking about it makes me feel like I might be jinxing it. Whatever. So in the meantime - I'll be waiting.

Blue

Hmm, it appears as though I have skipped almost the entire month of June. Don't take it personally I was busy. A wedding in Tahoe, the Father's Day bbq brian and I threw at the house, and various other social obligations. It's been nice to be so busy. But now I am a little run down.

Brian and I have established a savings account to cover expenses for my maternity leave. The plan is to have enough so that I am able to take 3 months off and Brian is able to take 1 month off. It should also cover any medical bills that are left over from my deductable. We are about 60% there. After every month that has gone by with no good news I tell myself well at least we'll have one more month to save... I also think how great it will be when we have reached our goal, because I hate the pillows on the couch in the living room and I can't wait to buy new ones. I keep using that goal to keep my mind off the other one that I just can't seem to attain. I think about the freedoms we have because we aren't tied down to a sleeping infant. I tell myself that in some ways I'm already a mother. But that's bullshit. The truth is none of that helps on days like this. I ache to be a mother... I think about it all the time. Everything is a reminder. I'm getting so tired of waiting. So very tired.

Nope.

I'm not.

When Anger is an Understatement

Normally I would have titled this entry "Nope", but today I find my self ravaged with anger and unable to do so. Surprisingly, not because I'm not pregnant, but just from good old fashioned pms. I am partially writing this entry in hopes that it may come in handy for my defense lawyer during my trial for mass murder. Everyone in my office is in danger. So let this be a warning. I noticed it a little last night, but by this morning it was full blown wrath. Poor Brian, I'm sure he noticed it "a little" too. So if we meet on the street or in a supermarket please be advised that my fury is hazardous to your health, and you would be wise to proceed accordingly. Fortunately for everyone else by 5:30pm tonight I will be halfway through a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc and unable to remove myself from the couch.

*For additional legal purposes, I'm going to denote my use of sarcasm in this entry. I'm not really going to kill anyone, I am just currently consumed by my pms. This was only a joke.

I don't know why but I can hear Frank Somerville reading that last part on the 10 O'Clock news, in my head.