My Big Fat Failure

I've gone back and fourth between feeling numb and overwhelmingly disappointed. Although today is a little better. The wound is still fresh so I am feeling pretty hopeless. I feel like this year has gone by so fast and that we are going to have to endure another holiday season with nothing to look forward to. Ugh. Halloween will be here before you know it. I of course have been thinking about what I could have done differently... Should I have tried harder to loose a few pounds? Are we wasting our time with IUI's? Should I ask for Clomid to increase our chances? If it doesn't work this time, where is the closest bridge I can jump off? Etc... (KIDDING) I am just so tired of all of this. I'm tired of feeling jealous of my pregnant IRL friends. I'm tired of feeling like it is never going to happen. I'm just plain exhausted from feeling sad. When is this all going to be a distant painful memory instead of what I wake up to every morning? I am completely aware that it doesn't always work on the first try. And I'm sure my complaint sounds paltry after only one failure, but it sucks nonetheless. Dr. Rawks even said it would probably take a few tries. But damn it. I just got over the DI hurdle and was starting to feel a little more normal. Now I have a failed cycle to kick my teeth in.

I don't blame myself for over analyzing my symptoms, I still cannot recall a time when my "girls" hurt as much as they did last week. In fact they still hurt, which is weird. They normally feel better after I get my period. And spotting consistently for two days before a period is not normal either. I have had a hint of spotting the day before, but not all day for two days in a row. Note to self for next month: STOP DISSECTING SYMPTOMS, IT'S GOING TO KILL YOU.

So during this week I have been avoiding personal emails, forums, and blogs at work. I've had to stay focused on work during my lunch to keep from losing it at my desk. Fortunately this week was busy. One of the things I am responsible for is the company newsletters that go in with the paychecks. In every newsletter there is a famous quote. This month's quote:

"When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"

-Franklin D. Roosevelt

Nope

I woke this morning to a screaming migraine. Typical pms. Exce.drine migraine and a strong pot of coffee always helps clear it up, so I tested just to get it over with. BFN. Game over.

Thanks for all of your support this cycle.

Twin Peaks

I haven't really been paying attention to any potential symptoms, but there are two that I just cannot ignore. I know I said that "the girls" normally get sore starting the day after I ovulate but they are different this time. To the point where they ache when I reach for something, or sneeze, or WALK. They hurt SO BAD. I can't even sleep on my stomach.

So obviously I still have not tested. I just don't want to see a test until I have a really good reason to think I might see a positive one. But fingers continue to be crossed.

If you have a sore boob story to help build my hope up I'd appreciate it.

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Update

We can add very light spotting to that list now. Just got some slight brownish red when I wiped. Unfortunately I have seen that before a period occasionally...

This is so frustrating. I sort of feel silly for posting this now, because I'm pretty sure I'll be welcoming AF fairly soon...

Some Whining for Your Reading Pleasure

Okay. It's starting to get to me. I was so proud of myself the first week. I wasn't bothered by my tww in the least. But this point in my cycle is when the supposed "magic happens". IF a little embryo is able to implant, it will be in the next few days. And the idea that I will know our fate in less than a week is simply maddening. I hesitated even publishing this post, because acknowledging my anticipation is only going to fuel the fire.

Now all those tww's that I spent googling early symptoms is coming back to bite me - I suddenly wish I didn't know any of them. At least I know I can't fall back on the old sore boobs bit. Mine start getting sore the day after I ovulate. Yeah, that's just as much fun as it sounds. UGH.

Welcome!

Welcome ICLW Readers!

ICLW always puts me in a great mood! How could anyone not look forward to a little extra love? So here I am, 7DPO after our very first dIUI..........................................................This is me................ Doing a whole...... LOT......Of waiting...............Sound Familiar?

My husband and I were diagnosed with Severe Male Factor Infertility a week before Christmas, 2008. This month officially marks my 24th cycle off of birth control, and I can honestly say I will NEVER go back on it again. After MUCH deliberation we chose DI, over IVF w/ ICSI. The choice to use donor insemination was definitely not an easy one, but there were several factors which made it the right option for us. With the abnormalities in his S/A's, we were concerned about the success rates vs the costs of a one time shot at IVF. Which leads us to the other deciding factor. Money. Or lack thereof, our insurance covers NOTHING. We have spent over $10,000 dollars in tests and procedures so far. I know that is a drop in the bucket compared to other folks out there, but it's still a lot. Getting the money for IVF would be extremely difficult, and would require an undefinable amount of time to save up for it. And to be honest, I wasn't sure I could wait that long or just how much more of this I could take. And as my husband finally put it: He just wants to be a dad.

We are very aware of that choosing DI is going to be a life long journey of challenges, including how to balance honesty and privacy/discretion. Helping our child understand just how very much they are loved, and wanted, and how and why we chose this route. And the particularly crunchy process of continually learning to accept the loss of a "biological child".

When I take the time to step back and look at our life. I'm able to see that Infertility and DI parenting were challenges that are in our lives for a reason. We will learn and grow from this experience, just like the rest of the adversities that life brings. I'd also like to do my part in getting rid of the stigma's that go along with Donor Sperm, by educating and cultivating acceptance - without being to preachy.

But back to the matters at hand... my TWW. My period is due next Tuesday the 28th. So far my plans are not to test until I'm late or suspiciously early. Still I wonder if I'll really be able to holdout. Especially because I just bought a box of HPT's. That's the funny thing. I'm too superstitious to look up my potential due date online, but I can't help myself from buying a pack of HPT's, even though I already have three in my bathroom. To be fair they are three different kinds. One left over Internet cheapie, one digital that I'm saving just so I can see the word "pregnant" - minus the not, for once. And also one EPT. ANYWAY, against my better infertile judgement, I'm decidedly hopeful. It also doesn't help that my good friend Katie just got her BFP and I'm so excited, you'd think it was mine! Oh, and I'll take all the crossed fingers I can get in the mean time if you wouldn't mind. Thanks!

In Honor of Distraction

In honor of keeping my mind off of my uterus I give you: 100 things, by Melissa G.


1. I love quoting from movies. Finding myself in a situation where the excerpt of a script fits a real situation perfectly, makes my day.

2. I love other people who are good at quoting from movies.

3. Listening to music heals my soul.

4. We named our dog after a previous San Jose Sharks defensemen. That's hockey folks.

5. I fell in love with Brian within a week of getting to know him.

6. I tend to over indulge in chocolates and homemade desserts.

7. I don't have any tattoo's.

8. I love writing this blog.

9. I hate when people park stupid. Like taking up two spots. It makes me want to intentionally back into their car.

10. I genuinely believe I am going to win my state lottery.

11. When I was a kid I used a "Who Framed Roger Rabbit" sleeping bag as a bedspread.

12. I had to because growing up with just my dad, he didn't see proper bedding as a necessity. Dad's don't get it sometimes.

13. I wear one of my grandmother's rings on my right hand. When people ask me about it, I feel compelled to inform them that she is still alive.

14. I hate meeting new people. And by that I mean in social situations. I am awful at asking people questions, and typically end up saying something ridiculous when I really meant to be funny and charming.

15. I loathe pineapple on pizza.

16. If I could create a commune, I would.

17. Most of my favorite childhood possessions are pictures and stuffed animals. All of which are in storage at my dad's house.

18. I think Macaroni and Cheese is a gift from the heavens.

19. My parents divorced when I was 4. My dad got custody. This will probably explain a lot about some of the following 81 facts.

20. I am mildly obsessed with The Foo Fighters and John Mayer.

21. I hate ham, but I love pork chops, pork tenderloin, prosciutto and bacon.

22. I played Badminton and Ultimate Frisbee in High school.

23. I knew how to rebuild a carburetor when I was 17.

24. I love and was raised on country music, but have a hard time listening to anything made after 2001. With the exception of the Dixie Chicks and George Strait.

25. I think Shania Twain is an abomination to country music.

26. I am a very, VERY slow reader.

27. I donated my wedding dress to a consignment company whose proceeds go to The Breast Cancer Foundation.

28. I heart Tivo.

29. When I was 12 I stepped on a pencil barefoot. There is still a scar and a lead mark on my foot.

30. I won't leave the house without make up on. Ever.

31. I love the show Scrubs. Dr. Cox RULES.

32. I cry pretty easily.

33. My childhood book collections included Garfield comic strips and The Babysitter's Club series.

34. I haven't gotten a speeding ticket. Yet.

35. I've seen Aerosmith in concert six times.

36. The last concert I saw was John Mayer at the Shoreline Amphitheater.

37. I think my passion for writing far exceeds my ability.

38. I grind my teeth when I sleep.

39. I don't like it when the sensor on a remote control is pointing at me.

40. When I was 18, I drove from California to Mississippi with my best friend. In August. In a 1995 Nissan Sentra with NO AIR CONDITIONING. I still can't believe we made it there and back in one piece. BEST. TRIP. EVER.

41. I can say Wienerschnitzel backwards.

42. "There's No Way" by Alabama was Brian's and my first dance song at our wedding.

43. Nicknames for my dog Parker are the following: Mook, Mookie pie, Poo Pie, Poo Bear, Poo, Monkey Butt, Looper Loo, and Fuckhead. He will respond to all of them.

44. Growing up my Aunt always told me that SPAM (you know the canned meat), stood for Squirrels, Pigs, And Monkeys. I believed her.

45. I LOVE breakfast for dinner.

46. Sophomore year in high school I made my Biology teacher cry. He was a putz.

47. I have never owned a vehicle that wasn't four wheel drive.

48. I have 102.54 GB's of music on my iMac. That is 127.5 days or 3,060 hours of music.

49. My second date with Brian was at a shooting range.

50. I wear flip flops just about everyday from the beginning of March to the end of November. If you don't live in California, you are probably a little bit jealous right now.

51. I hate the words longevity, garment, and panties.

52. I have green eyes.

53. An incomplete list of the foods I cannot live with out: Burritos, tacos, cheese (except cottage, blehhhck), peanut butter, pasta, chicken noodle soup, Kix (cereal), brownies, lets be honest: chocolate in general, turkey and avocado sandwich on sliced wheat, and pancakes. I swear I'm not 400 pounds.

54. My favorite childhood book was Sadako and the Thousand Paper Cranes.

55. I played the flute for 4 years, and the guitar for 3. I now wish I would have learned the drums.

56. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.

57. My first concert was The Beach Boys.

59. I'm allergic to penicillin, and to crab and lobster, but not shrimp.

60. I have split my chin open twice. 7 Stitches the first time - I was in 4th grade, it was picture day so I was all dressed up. I slipped in something coming out of the play ground and fell flat on my face. Luckily I had already taken pictures. The second time, I had begged my brother for weeks to let me ride his BMX bike, when he finally agreed I tried to come down the biggest hill in our neighborhood to show him how cool I was. Except I wasn't cool, and I couldn't cut a turn, I hit the curb, flew over the handle bars and landed on my face - AGAIN. Ten stitches, three broken teeth, and bruised ribs. Awesomeness.

61. I really love to cook.

62. I got a fake ID when I was 19. It worked every time. It took the fun out of when I actually turned 21.

63. My brother and I are not as close as I would like to be.

64. I justify putting ovaltine in my coffee by telling myself that I won't need to add actual sugar.

65. I hate Bridal and Baby showers. I think they are boring and obligatory to throw, and to attend. I usually go anyway.

66. My ears are pierced twice on each side, but I haven't used my second holes in 6 years.

67. I'm fairly awful at boardgames. But I like them a lot.

68. I have perfect vision.

69. I usually listen to music in the shower except for the days when I shave my legs, because inevitably a song will come on that gives me the goosebumps, and I think we all learned at an early age why its bad to shave with goosebumps.

70. I was 17 when I had my first kiss.

71. The same guy who gave me my first kiss, also gave me my first broken heart. Shattered is probably a more accurate description though. I'm over it, I swear. Just nostalgic.

72. I don't believe in Sugar or Butter substitutes.

73. I have been sexually harassed in the workplace. But I was too young to realize that it was wrong at the time. It still kind of haunts me, I'd like to track that guy down and punch him in the face.

74. Even though I know it's really bad for you, I love cleaning my ears with Q-tips.

75. When I get a new CD, I listen to it incessantly for weeks at a time.

76. I hate competitions. I usually end up loosing not because the other person is better but because I tend get psyched out by the notion of competition.

77. I am really struggling to come up with the next 22 things to add to this list.

78. I have ginormous feet. I wear a 10 1/2. Which should also implicate that I'm tall.

79. I'd rather cook dinner at my house for a few friends, than go to a fancy restaurant, or a bar.

80. I've never been to Europe. Our vacations typically entail lying on a beach somewhere with an endless supply of cocktails. I think it would be a waste of money to fly all the way out there only to set up camp poolside, and not go see all the amazing things that define Europe.

81. I'm incredibly lazy. I thought I'd throw that in, in case number 80 didn't make it clear enough.

82. The only famous person I have ever met was Heather Armstrong, the Author of DOOCE. Super nice, and tall as well.

83. Scratch that, I met a few Sharks players at Charity thing one time. Vinnie Damphousse, Patrick Marleau, Mark Smith, Nikko Dimitrakos, and Mike Ricci. I got REALLY star struck. They are not very talkative guys.

84. All time favorite songs - Blackbird, The Beatles. In Repair, John Mayer. Amarillo By Morning, George Straight's version. Into the Mystic, Van Morrison. Maybe, Allison Krauss. Groove is in the Heart, Dee Lite. If you want Blood, AC/DC. Dixieland Delight, Alabama. February Stars, Foo Fighters. Exit Music, Radio Head. Possession, Sarah MacLachlan. Selfless, Cold, and Composed, Ben Folds Five. Okay I really should stop now. This list could go on for a while. So lets call this another incomplete list.

85. I beat myself up about stupid things I've said or done YEARS AGO. I just can't let them go. This will be recurrent for a while.

86. When I was like 10, I watched this horror movie called The Creep Show with my brother, there was this scene with a rabid monkey that was stuffed in a chest with bars on the side of it, and it reached out and tore this guys arm off. From that night on I was convinced that it was living under my bed. So whenever I was getting in bed while the lights were out I would jump into my bed so that the rabid monkey couldn't get my feet. I did this until I was 24. That's when I got married and moved in with Brian. I didn't stop because I thought the monkey was gone but because I was too embarrassed to do in front of Brian.

87. I am a bag lady. I keep bags from nice stores like Nordstroms and Willams Sonoma (usually acquired from sales). I also collect and reuse gift bags.

88. People consider it strange that I put Ketchup on things like burritos, mashed potatoes, grilled cheese sandwiches, and eggs. My MIL puts ketchup on the table when we go to her house for dinner- no matter what she is serving.

89. I skipped number 58. Oh. Hey. You're still here. Errrr, thanks for reading.

90. I can belch incredibly loud. Brian thinks it's awesome.

91. I can procrastinate like a Mo' Fo'. Brian doesn't think that's awesome.

92. Listing the last 91 things about myself has done two things: 1. reconfirmed my suspicions that I am a little odd. 2. made me remarkably tired of talking about myself. Good God.

93. I don't use deodorant or antiperspirant, because I rarely sweat. My mom says it's from our Norwegian bloodline. And probably because I live on the West Coast.

94. I love Disneyland more than I should. My favorite ride is Pirates of the Caribbean. The first thing we do when we get to the park is run down Main Street. The Corndog stand at the end of Main Street, sells the MOST DELICIOUS, Corn battered, deep fried, goodness you will ever experience.

95. I played in a billiards league for a year. I spent a lot of time in Pool Halls until I met Brian. I was pretty good.

96. When I asked Brian for help with the last few "things", he started (playfully) listing things about me that annoy him. Thanks for NOTHING dear. =)

97. I hate the sound of pouring liquid.

98. Sweet Jesus almost done. Ummm... MOVIES! Movies I love: Sleepless in Seattle, Tombstone, Spanglish, The Godfather, Urban Cowboy, A League of Their Own, Sliding Doors, Princess Bride, Billy Madison, The Family Stone, Con Air (yes, seriously), Meet Joe Black, Spiderman 1, Dirty Dancing, The Shinning, Shawshank Redemption, Stand By Me. Yes, I am a big Stephen King fan. This again will be the incomplete list.

99. I am a pseudo fashionista. I absolutely love fashion magazines, and runway clips. I adored The Rachel Zoe Project, as nuts as she is. I am Carolina Herrera on the inside, but Old Navy on the outside.

100. And last but not least, I am a CHRONIC over packer. I usually pack for trips like I am never come back, and I would miss my navy blue cardigan SO MUCH. Even in my day to day. I have to be prepared for my every whim. I hate being without chapstick, or the proper amount of eyeliner, or dental floss, or stamps, or safety pins, or gum (because I love red onions), you get the idea.



If you're in your tww or waiting for your next cycle to start, this was a tremendous time suck, I highly recommend it. Plus I'd love to read about your 100 things.

My Turn

Well my first IUI went great this morning. Brian and I got there about 25 minutes early. That gave me enough time to drag him down to Pier 39, which is within walking distance from the clinic. It was gorgeous out, and the short walk helped take a little of the edge off. It's been pretty hot here lately, which made it especially difficult trying to get to sleep last night, with everything I had on my mind.

The procedure itself, as a many of you may know, was very quick. And to my surprise, cramp free. Dr. Rawks was as personable as ever. He gave us a brief description of the procedure then followed it up by saying, "and then you'll be pregnant, and back here for an ultrasound in no time". I LOVE him. He always says the right things... He gave us a breakdown on the donor's analysis. He was very happy with the counts. I'm holding off on listing them just yet, because I'm questioning whether we really heard him correctly, versus what the paperwork says. I'll explain more later...

I will go back in tomorrow morning for my second one, and my WONDERFUL husband will be joining me. I can't begin to explain the immense connection I felt with him while he held my hand as a laid on that table. He is so incredibly supportive, and I couldn't be more grateful.

I'm sure that in a few days my 2ww will feel all to familiar, but as of today it's a little surreal. I've been sitting on the sidelines for SO LONG that this just doesn't feel like it's real yet. It doesn't feel like it's my turn... But it is. It finally is.

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Update on number two!

I'm thrilled to report that everything went well, again. I had a different Doctor this morning because I requested an early appointment so Dr. Rawks wasn't available. But the other Doc was really nice too. I thought that total counts Dr. Rawks gave me yesterday seemed high, and looking at the paper work, it gave me two sets of numbers. I was just so frazzled with nerves yesterday that I could barely comprehend the numbers at all, let alone ask what exactly they meant. So the vials initially contained 105 Million yesterday, and 110 Million today. But the actual thawed count is much, MUCH lower. Between the two IUI's I have a total count of about 52 Million. Which my Doc today, said was REALLY great. They like to see at least 20 million per cycle for an IUI. So I'm happy overall. My timing was great. I'm pretty sure I ovulated last night. Whew!

One cool thing, the doctor today had Brian come around and push the plunger on the catheter while I was in the stirrups. I realize how crazy that sounds, but it was actually kind of neat. She said she wanted him to "really be the one responsible for this pregnancy". It was sweet. On the way home Brian giggled and said something to the effect of being happy to be the one to knock me up after all. We laughed. It was really nice.

I am so, so hopeful right now. It's scary. But nice, to feel so free again.

Positivity

Last cycle I decided that I would use the cheapie OPK's (where you have to pee in a cup) as a fail safe to the CBE digital OPK's that my RE preferred. I have used the cheapies for a long time and felt pretty comfortable with them especially because the test line got progressively darker each test, so I was able to decipher when I would get a positive a day ahead of time. I started with the cheapies on Saturday, and began using the digital in addition, yesterday. This morning both tests were negative, although distinctively darker than yesterday. So as per my regular cycle, I'm thinking that I should get a positive this evening, or tomorrow morning. I really hesitated to use the digital OPK yesterday, they are so darn expensive, and I knew I wouldn't get a positive but I wanted to be a good little infertile and follow the RE's directions. Then I began to realize how silly I was being, beating myself up about wasting money by using the digital tests so early, despite the fact we are spending just under 2k on this cycle and I am pinching my pennies at 24 dollars in digital OPK's which are the deciding factor in scheduling my IUI... Looks like the irrational has showed up in record time. Oh but it gets worse...

So because my tests were dark this morning but still negative, I decide to take a cheapie to work and test again around 10am. So I did. And it's darker than this morning but not quite a positive. So I'm like what if that test was funky and didn't quite fill in? So I go home for lunch. Whip out the CBE digital. POAS. Leave it on the sink, and go heat up some leftovers. Come back a few minutes later to this:

Those little signs indicate an error with the digital portion of the tester. The instructions say that if you get this error you should go buy a new pack and use the unopened applicators with the new tester. Fucker. So I leave the bathroom cursing because I need to go buy more tests when I was already unhappy about using up these ones, only to enter the kitchen to find that my dog has eaten the rest of my lunch and is now halfway through a cube of butter. Fucker! So I put the dog out, curse at him, grab a Club Soda, and head to the store.

I get to the drug store and make my way to the pharmacy where they have the HPT's, lube, and OPK's on a prominent display. Grab the CBE digitals. Head to the pharmacy counter so that I can pay for them there instead waiting in line at the main register area, with all the other yahoo's. The girl at the counter seems mildly put out that I am not in fact picking up a prescription but just need to purchase an overpriced item. So she swipes the box of the counter and tells me that it will be $43.28 please. WHAT?! These fucking tests are DOUBLE what I pay for them on Amazon.com. FUCKER. The girl ringing me up actually speaks pleasantly to me while in my head, I argue with her over the price. I get back to work and wait until I have to pee again. 3:45 ish I head to the ladies room. And there it is. Clear as day, the smiley I 've been waiting for. So I put in a call to my clinic and wait for the IUI nurse to call me back.

At this point a new line of panic sets in, as I wonder if my positive test in the afternoon is going to mess with my timing. My RE's directions were very clear. Test in the morning. Call when you get a positive. I remember distinctly telling my IUI coordinator that I usually get a positive in the afternoon, and she didn't seem to concerned about it. But she IS NOT my RE. So I continue down the path of self sabotage and wonder if my timing is going to be way off. While in the back of my head I tell myself to be positive, and let the doctor determine whether the timing is off or not. UGH.

Anyway, my appointment is at 9:15am tomorrow morning. I will make sure to discuss this scenario with him, just in case there might me a next time, so we can change protocol. So wish me luck kids!!! I can use lots of good thoughts, prayers, juju, crossing of fingers, anything you've got!

If you have an IUI experience you'd like to share, I'd appreciate it!

My Forbidden Addiction

I think we've all been guilty of this from time to time. I'm sure I may have even admonished a few of you for what could be considered abuse. It's impossibly inviting, always available, and tremendously informative. It's Google. I am addicted to Google. Dear God, someone please remove it from my web browser, my iPhone, my home page, IF I SEE IT I'LL USE IT!!!

Today was exciting. And then sad. And then empty, because Brian forbid me to use google for the next few weeks. It was exciting because our "cargo" has been transferred to the clinic, without incident. They gave the count of about 60 Million per vial. But supposedly the thawed count will be lower. I spoke to my IUI coordinator today and she said that they will do a complete analysis before the IUI so that I have numbers to obsess over during my tww. That's where google comes in. It looks like our odds are significantly decreased with unmedicated cycles. We are looking at a 6 - 16% chance this cycle, depending on the final thawed counts. Seeing those numbers makes me want to call the clinic and order more vials, because they say it's four to eight cycles to get pregnant. Right now we have enough for three. Annnnd here comes the sad. It probably won't happen this cycle. I know it's early to seem like I'm losing hope. But I just need to be realistic about it.

I'm still happy that we are moving forward. I guess I just need to keep saying that. WE ARE MOVING FORWARD. Even if it doesn't work this time. We're doing something about it.

Begging and Pleading

CUTE BABY ALERT: If you're not in the place to see a cute baby today, this might not be the post for you.
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Nothing makes my uterus ache like an adorable baby. This is Sawyer. I was fortunate enough to be in the room when Sawyer joined this world. You can read about his introduction here.

His mommy brought him to work today, so here he is hanging out in my lap, at my desk. I was blowing raspberries on his oh-so-edible little feet, when a pang of sheer desperation swept over me. Please God, let this cycle work. I cannot imagine another month knowing that this might not be a part of my near future.

Forget about being hopeful, I am in full blown pleading-with-the-Heaven's mode. Talking to relatives that have passed on, begging them to pull a few strings for me. Anything to just get my foot in the door. I realize that there are a few people ahead of me in line in this blogosphere, but I swear I'll ask a favor for you, if you ask one for me.

Gearing Up

Let the impatience begin. I am seriously counting down the minutes until Friday. Brian will be picking up our vials from the Cryo Bank that morning and delivering them via Nitrogen tank, to our clinic. We are super lucky that we are so close to a facility because shipping can cost anywhere from $200 - $500. We are only about 40 minutes away from the CB and the clinic is another 30 from there. He has an appointment with the CB at 9:30am and a scheduled delivery at 10:30 with our Clinic. I just want to know that our "cargo" is safely in the hands of our clinic, and ready to transfer to me next week.

We don't have a whole lot planned for this weekend, which by the way is my favorite kind of weekend, but I still feel like there is so much do to. Fortunately the bulk of that is pampering myself. Yeay. Late Saturday morning I will be meeting up with a very good childhood friend (Hey Weez!) She is one of the very few people I know IRL that are aware of this blog. We're going to do some serious window shopping and grab some lunch. Then later that afternoon I'm gonna get my hair did. Gotta get those highlights in before my tww. And SUNDAY, SUNDAY, SUNDAY, Brian and I are getting massages! Yahhooooo! I have a few Gift Certificates I was given for my birthday, so I'll be putting those towards 80 minutes of Toxin Releasing, Deep Tissue Massaging goodness. Brian is getting one because he works so very hard, and because he was so very jealous about my appointment. But he'll be getting 65 minutes. Ha.

OH MY GOD I forgot the most important part! I start OPKing Saturday morning! I should see a positive on Monday or Tuesday. So I'll go in for my back to back's as soon as I see that lovely smiley face! Sorry for all the exclamation points! But if you've read more than two of my posts, you'd know that I chronically over punctuate!!!! AND I DON'T CARE BECAUSE I AM SO VERY EXCITED TO GET THIS PARTY STARTED!!!!!

Humble Pie

I'm starting to feel like an idiot... For being so upset about my friend's announcement. I'm not saying that my feelings were unwarranted. "Feelings are not right or wrong, they just are", said Mom on the other end of my blubbering phone call last week. What she should have said was PULL YOUR SHIT TOGETHER MELISSA. Their news is NOT a plot against you. Get OVER yourself... Which is sort of what Brian did when I told him the news that morning. Only instead of thanking him for giving me a reality check, I picked a fight with him. He was gentle about it. He really just told me that he was happy for them, and that I should be too. It's not that I wasn't happy for them. I'm glad that they won't have to deal with any of this. I would never wish them the heartache of IF. EVER.

So I've moved on. I feel fine. The reason I know that is because my friend's wife posted a 12 week belly shot on facebook last night, and it didn't bother me. Yeah, I know I was surprised too. So is it because Brian waved the Your-being-incredibly-self-centered-and-childish-flag? Or is it because I am a week away from my first real cycle and I think there is a chance that I could be pregnant at her baby shower? Probably both, so if I bitch about it again, just remind me about this post will ya? Thanks again for all the hugs!

CD1

After having a somewhat rough weekend I was greeted this morning with AF, and I have never been so happy to see her. I am now about two weeks away from my IUI. I am trying to get myself in a good place emotionally. So I've been working really hard at staying positive. But Friday's news sort of took the wind out of my sails. Thank you so much for all of your hugs and warm thoughts by the way. They really, really helped. I am just so thankful for this community.

I'm stuck in a weird place. I have this nagging voice in my head that keeps telling me to sluff off the heavy skin that keeps my optimism at a minimum. But it's hard not to be negative after all this. And I've always been a "Don't count your chickens till they hatch" kinda girl. So when I hear this voice, I all of a sudden feel like painting my spare bedroom because I may not be able to be around paint fumes in a short while. But then the other side of me, says PUT THAT PAINTBRUSH DOWN, there's nobody to paint for yet!

So here's my problem... I have a three-day weekend coming up... What should I do? Paint while I can take the VOC's? Or tan and read the stack of books that is piling up on my nightstand???

A little to the left...There. Stab me right there please....

Son of biiiiiiitch. I got the dreaded email every infertile hates to get, this morning. A good friend of mine and his wife are pregnant. They are aware of our situation. And even though I figured I'd hear this news any day now it still knocked the breath out of me. I'm trying to pull my shit together and not cry in my office. I am completely deflated.

I have to give them some major Infertile points though they handled it really well. My friend told me, before his own sisters, or any of our friends that way we wouldn't be the last to know. I'm really grateful for that. Here is a small blurb:

"So, I have some killer news that I wanted to share, but have been struggling on just how to share it.
And with that, here we go...
#$%^&* and I are preggers. Today is "officially" (I think) the 12-week mark. I wanted you guys to be some of the first people we told, but I also knew that it might be the hardest situation to handle. So, hopefully you understand why I went this route. I wanted to let you know as personally as I could without putting you in a position for a forced response.
I know you and Brian are having a tough time, and #$%%^&* and I really, really want you to know how much we are there for you."

This letter still makes me want to jump off a bridge, but I really respect the fact that they came to us first. We recently had some friends whom, we thought we were close with; wait until they were 20 weeks to tell us. They had avoided us and lied to us about it during the 8 weeks when everyone else likely knew. Probably just to spare themselves some awkwardness.

Fuck. I am shaking right now. I think I will have to wait until tomorrow to respond to them. So as to avoid crying at work and all. It sucks because my first reaction was like: "How could he send me that first thing this morning?! Doesn't he have a clue that sending it to me over the weekend would be better???!!!" But the truth is, it would never be a good time. Even when I knew it was coming.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

If you have a second, I could use an Internet hug or FIVE MILLION. Thanks.

Panic, Anyone?

Hello ICLWer's, you can check out my original welcome here. Or just scroll down =).
So my first DIUI is tentatively scheduled for the middle of July. Brian and I finally chose a donor - yeay! What's next? How about excitement? Yes, that's a given. Hope? Yes, ever so cautiously. So what is this knot I feel in the bottom of my stomach? Oh right. It's SHEAR PANIC because I need my vials in three weeks and the bank just told me they need a month to process new recipients! WTF?!

I called yesterday to make THE purchase, and they gave me a lengthy list of hoops to jump through and told me that they usually need a month to process everything!!! The bank we decided on is a small non profit organization and the person who deals with registration only comes in TWICE A WEEK. So I have all these ridiculous consent forms that have to be filled out, two of which need to be approved and signed by my RE. That will be followed by incessant begging and groveling to the registration manager to process my application. I've sent email's and VM's to my clinic asking them to expedite the forms because of the time crunch and NO ONE HAS CALLED ME BACK!
The only exception is from my RE who graciously indulged my insanity by answering a silly question or two in an email. Now that I am a little more calm, I realize it was probably somewhat of an insult to question his plan of execution and timing of my cycle. Well done Melissa!
Here is the email:

Hello Dr. RAWKS,

I have my first DIUI tentatively scheduled for the middle of July. I noticed that once I get a positive LH test, I tend to get ovulation pains about 12 hours later. I know we have back to back IUI's planned, I just wonder if the window will be right...
So here are my questions:
1.Is the ovulation pain that I feel a legitimate/accurate way to judge/affirm ovulation?
2. If so, say I get a positive test in the morning and then come in for my 1st IUI, then ovulate that night- Is coming the next morning going to be too late? I've read that the egg can only last 12-24 hours...
I look forward to your response.

Here is his reply:

The pain around the time of ovulation usually precedes the actual event and I suspect it is due to the rapid follicle enlargement before, not the ovulation itself. Eggs live for about 24 hrs post ovulation so the 2 insemination's should cover things just fine. Timing has been confirmed by multiple studies over the years. See you soon.
Sincerely,
Dr. RAWKS

So anyway. I'm trying to hold my shit together, and praying that the registration manager will be a reasonable human being. Cross your fingers for me!


************************************************************

Update:

I just had a "Well I don't know WHO you talked to..." conversation with another person at the bank. Everything is going to be fine. She said I have plenty of time, and that she guarantee's my registration will be completed by Thursday, or Monday at the VERY latest. Which is AWEOME. Right after that my clinic sent me an email with the pdf's of the signed and approved consent forms that I needed. So I sent everything over to the bank and even called to confirm. THEY HAVE IT. We're set.

Howdy!

Welcome ICLW readers! I totally meant to post this earlier but we were out in the f'ing Boondocks for the weekend, and I had no Internet connection. NO INTERNET?!!!! Why not just cut off my thumbs while you're at it?! I really shouldn't complain, we spent the weekend with the owners of a small Winery about 3 hours Northeast of San Francisco. They spoiled us with an obscene amount of food and wine, but the lack technology almost took my will to live. ALMOST. At least I had wine to distract me from taking my own life. Anyway, I'm cautiously hoping that by the end of July I'll have a good reason not to drink anymore. I'll be doing my first dIUI next month. Woo Hoo!


This is only my second time participating in ICLW, but I just want to say how very grateful I am that it exists. It's been amazing to read and follow these incredibly profound tales from the world of infertility.


My husband and I had been ttc for 16 months when we were diagnosed with Severe Male Factor infertility. We were told we had less than a 1% chance of conceiving naturally, and that IVF with ICSI or Donor Sperm would be or only options for a biological(ish) child. You can check out our story in a nutshell if you look at my timeline and or profile. Or you can take some time to read the posts that carry the most significance. Like after we were diagnosed and sort of decided not to have kids at all, because it felt so good to just take control of the situation. Then when our RE first told us about the option of DI. And when we couldn't make up our minds between DI or IVF. Then I had a mental breakdown and we went to see a counselor. So once we finally moved on, and were able to look at a sperm bank website with out a martini and box of kleenex, this post talks about how we narrowed down our choice of donors.


I'm glad you were able to stop by. I look forward to reading a lot of your stories!

Scrapalicious

Today I was given the Honest Scrap award by the worldly, and talented Clare at The Pitter Patter. I was completely shocked and extremely grateful to be given this honor. I have a huge geeky smile plastered across my face right now...

So here are the Honest Scrap stipulations:

1. Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design
2. Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog and leave a comment informing them that they have won the "Honest Scrap Award"
3. List at least 10 honest things about yourself.

Here are the blogs I would like to award for their honest and courageous posts:

1. No Swimmers In the tubes, No Bun in the Oven
2. Preheated Oven, Where is my Bun?
3. What IF?
4. Inconceivable?!
5. Bottoms Off and On the Table
6. Once Upon a Time
7. There's a Baby at the End of this Right?

Ten Honest Things:
1. I sing like a rock star in the shower and in my car, but I sound like Scuttle from The Little Mermaid.
2. I could live on Peanut Butter and/or Cheese for the rest of my life.
3. I'm 5'10, and I wish I was taller.
4. I am obsessed with music. I have playlists on my iPod to suit just about every mood.
5. Sometimes when I'm sitting at my desk at work I unbutton the top button on my pants and fold them in so I can be more comfortable. Try it - you'll see!
6. I own the entire Series of Friends on DVD, and I can quote from EVERY.SINGLE. EPISODE.
7. I have nightmares about Ghosts, and the girl from the Exorcist when I am avoiding something in my personal life.
8. The list of Celebrities I would sleep with it if I wasn't married to my wonderful husband is: John Kransinki, Ewan McGregor, Clive Owen, Jason Bateman and Jeffrey Dean Morgan
9. My first job was a Barista at a drive through coffee shop. I got fired for not being very good at it.
10. I believe I have guardian angels. I usually talk to them in the car.

I also want to say how grateful I am to have found and become a part of this community. I can't imagine what I would do without the support I get from all of you! There are just so many amazing people here. BIG Internet hugs to you all!

Pick and Choose

Okay, okay. I know I'm way over due for a post, but I've been hard at work on this one. I've had to walk away from it a few times just to make sure I covered all my bases. So buckle up, because it's gonna be a long one. I've wanted to write about how I've been dealing with DI for along time but I just didn't know where to start. And honestly I don't think I was ready.

My experience so far has been pretty tumultuous. There are just so many questions that come with DI, and the more I understand, the more I realize that it will be a lifelong process. Which seriously scared the crap out of me. I realize that choosing to have children is a lifelong commitment, and its well known to present demands and unexpected challenges. But this isn't something I was prepared for at all. Nor did I have much knowledge of, or experience with. I was so naive going into TTC, that I really didn't realize that DI was something that heterosexual couples had to deal with. I'm cringing as I re-read that sentence, but it's true. It just never occurred to me, that MFI was A. So prevalent, and B. So definitive in terms of conception limitations.

I used to be one of the dumbass fertiles, that I now curse for being so damn callow, and uniformed....

The first time we sat down and looked at donors wasn't too bad because it felt so far away. It wasn't real yet. We were pretty light hearted about it, looking for a genius with Brian's heritage and height. The next time we looked, a month or so later, made me want to jump off a bridge. It was terrifying because now - this was going to be our reality. And in my eyes, none of these donors would ever be as good as Brian, and I wasn't able to look past that. Because I hadn't fully accepted all of the complications that came with our choice to do DI. I felt overwhelmed by the unknown. And I was so caught up in my crap, that I didn't think Brian was being honest about his acceptance of all this.

Until that is, we got a little help. I have to say that seeing a counselor should be on the top of anyone's list who is considering DI, it's just too complex to deal with alone. Talking to a professional who is experienced in dealing with DI, and IF in general, played a pivotal role in helping me gain acceptance. She validated so many of my feelings, thoughts, and concerns. Seriously when you are dealing with something so paramount and you begin to struggle- don't wait until you find yourself staying in bed all day watching tivo'ed episodes of Scrubs, crying for no reason, and wearing the same pajama's Monday morning that you changed into Friday night. It's not healthy. GET HELP.

Okay the public service announcement portion of this post is over. On to the good news. We've narrowed it down to two donors. Initially we were very explicit about our requirements. We essentially were searching for Brian's clone. I'm not going to list all of our requirements out of respect to our future child(ren) and to Brian's privacy, but basically we were REALLY specific about not only physical characteristics and nationality, but interests, hobbies, education, religion, medical history, and family dynamics. And I think it was just too much information. We began to wonder how much of those details would really shape this human being that we are going to raise together. The more we discussed it, the less details we felt we needed as far as education, hobbies, etc. We believe that you are a product of your environment. So while genetics are a factor of our identities in obvious ways, our surroundings seem to shape much more of who we become. Basically we think we're quite capable of screwing up this kid no matter who's DNA it has. It's the concept of Nature vs Nurture, and it seems to be a common discussion in the DI world. Brian and I both have brother's who are VERY different from ourselves, so it kind of proves to us that where you come from genetically doesn't necessarily dictate who you will become. Nor will it make you the same as your parents, or brothers and sisters. People are going to be, who they're going to be... Simple as that.

Another aspect that became important is whether we choose an open or anonymous donor. Choosing an open donor will give our child the option to contact the donor when they turn 18. When we sat down with the counselor, she asked us if we planned to use an open or anonymous donor. We told her that we had planned to use an anonymous, because we would be the parents, and they'll have medical history and what not to refer too, so the donor's presence wouldn't really be necessary. She nodded and said that our reasoning sounded fair, but that she would like us to consider choosing an open donor. She gently explained that picking an open donor would at least give our child the choice to find their bio father. She said according to recent studies and surveys, most donor conceived children would prefer to have the option to contact their bio parent. EVEN WHEN they had happy childhoods and maintain a loving and healthy relationship with their parents. We sat on it for a bit and decided that we would want the option if we were in our childs position.

Please understand that I don't think there is anything wrong with choosing an anonymous donor. That was our preference for at first too, and everyone has their own valid reasons. There are other circumstances that could prevent always using an open donor as well. Because open donors are saught after, they are therefore more expensive and less available. So you typically end up having to give up certain phyiscal traits to stick with the open option. Which is exactly what happened to us. We have decided that choosing an open donor, with our heritage, and one particular physical trait will be the most important requirements we look for. After that the donors medical background and personal essay will be the deciding factors. So there it is. A big congratualtions if you made it through all that with out a nap and/or a bathroom break.

The Revival

It's been seven months since the last time I used an ovulation prediction test. It was just a few short weeks before we would hear our fate. I can clearly remember the even amounts of anxiety and excitement that came with a positive OPK. It represented hope. Here is a new cycle. A new chance. Maybe this will be the month. The month that we get it right, that the stars are aligned, that we'll beat the odds that were quickly stacking against us as the months wore on.

I made sure to drink enough water to stay hydrated so that my CM would be supplimented, but not too much so that it would dilute the amount of LH that could be detected in my dixie cup, ironically covered in a childlike patterns of circus animals or teddy bears. I used the cheapy ones, not the POAS ones. I am a pro at aiming into a dixie cup by the way. I know exactly how much I need to complete a test, and I'm disturbingly comfortable with handling my own urine.

Earlier this year, at a point when I was really down, I gave away all of my OPK's and all but three HPT's. I gave them to a good friend who would could get more use from them than I could at the time. I just couldn't bear to look at them. They reminded me too much of what I thought I couldn't have. I can see now why it was important that I did. I needed distance from the reminders of everything they represented. The rigorous monitoring that was inducing frustration rather than hope. And the thought of upcoming cycles that only seemed futile after hearing our test results.

I purchased a whole new arsenal of OPK's today. My RE requires that I use them for my IUI next month. I bought them early for this cycle, in hopes that I could I get a grasp on what the time lapse is between my positive OPK and when I start to get significant abdominal pain from ovulating. Yes, I am part of the small percentage of women that have Mittelschmerz.

I was surprised at how overwhelming it felt to make this relatively mundane purchase. The instant charge I felt when I typed my request into the search engine was almost breathtaking. It felt good. Here is a new cycle. A new chance. Maybe July will be the month for us. When things will go right, when the stars will be aligned, and we'll beat the odds.

Infiltrated

I have the greatest husband in the world. On average, he works 70 hours a week. No kidding. Real work. LABOR. And yet, he still makes the time to listen to me and how crazy I am. He has it all figured out. I worry, because he likes to "shoot from the hip", and I'm way too conservative. He's gonna love this child more than any thing else in the world. It doesn't matter where we get it, it just matters that we do the best we can possibly do to raise him/her and show them the true values of life and what its all about. I should quit worrying about things and put more trust in him. I know he's smart, and has a good sense of direction, but I'm just too controlling to let anyone else guide me. God, I love my hubby. Such a good man. I can't wait to see him play catch with our boy, or teach his girl how to build a doll house, or play catch.  He's gonna be such a good dad. We should just do it already. I cant wait to have a family to call my own.

I love my wife.......I'm glad she let me write this.......Thanx pie!!!

**********************************************************************************************************

And then he took me out for ice cream.

Your Daily Dose of Infertile Angst

Please! Somebody help me! I think my period is trying to kill me! In the seventeen years that I've had my period, this is most definitely THE. WORST. ONE. EVER. I normally get cramps for an hour or so when my period first starts, but I have had them for two days straight now. Like crippling, surging, agonizing death inspired cramps. I literally had to get up three separate times last night to like walk it off. They even woke me up! I was dreaming that I was being mugged and shot. When it was actually just my uterus conspiring against me. Sorry for the tmi, but it had to be said.

One a more exciting note, I got invited to a baby shower! Actually it's not a shower; its a "sprinkle" because this will be her second child. The new baby's Auntie and almost big sister will be throwing it. HOW PRECIOUS. We ran into the mom-to-be-again at Costco yesterday, with her cuter than cute (seriously she's adorable) almost three year old. She IM'd me this afternoon asking me to keep July 11th open for her special event. I told her I would, knowing that there would be absolutely NO WAY IN HELL I would attend. A few minutes later she sent me another message saying that Brian had told her husband about our struggle, and that she was thinking of us. I started to quip back in my head about how she should put two and two together and realize how insensitive her invitation was, when she stopped herself and said that if the shower would be too hard to be around she would understand. I thanked her, and told her I had already sort of planned to politely decline, and that I appreciated her understanding. I hate it when I get all self centered, and smug about other people's thoughtlessness or insensitivity only to have it thrown back in my face with a compassionate gesture or comment. And it's not the swallowing my pride part, it's the realizing how jaded I've become from all of this.

I'm tired of feeling slighted by a friends good news. Or envious of every young mother at the grocery store. I hate that I'm not more excited about my upcoming cycle. It's not that I don't want it to happen, believe me I do. But I'm not giddy, I'm not counting down the days, or even feeling all that optimistic. For all the strength I've gained from enduring IF, it's taken my innocence two fold and replaced it with experience and the knowledge that things don't always work out.


I am one cycle away from our first real chance of getting pregnant. So why aren't I more excited?

When to Play Your Infertility Card: A Lesson For The Appropriate Use In Your Professional Life

Most of us have gone to great lengths to conceal our infertility from our employers. I am fortunate in that the owner of the company I work for, also happens to be like a sister to me. We grew up together and I've worked for her for almost four years now. So needless to say she has been more than accommodating with my situation.

I know that most of you don't have the luxury of confidentiality and flexibility in the work place that I do; so other than confiding in your boss to notify them of your upcoming baseline ultrasound appointment, when is the right time to play your IF card? How about when you mistakenly send an inappropriate email to a client instead of a co-worker? Check out this beauty:

In a message dated 5/27/2009 11:41:38 A.M. Pacific Daylight Time, melissa@xxxxxxxx.com writes:

Hey Teresa,

Can you please follow up with Carol about this? She is complaining about it like its our responsibility...

Thanks!

Melissa

So instead of sending that to Teresa, I sent it to Carol...

If there was a word that described being so mortified that it warranted walking out into oncoming traffic; I would use it. I called Teresa immediately to tell her what happened and ask for much needed advice. I told her that she could send an admonishing email to Carol, CC'ing me. Teresa laughed and said: "Um no, you're going to call her and apologize. You need to tell her that you're having a bad day or something".... Then there was a long pause... And she says: "No wait! This faux pas calls for the big guns. Carol has been trying to adopt for three years. YOU NEED TO PLAY YOUR INFERTILITY CARD."

And so I did. AND IT WORKED LIKE A FUCKING CHARM. I am still to this very moment distraught by my email, but Carol was extremely nice about it. Probably more so than I might have been had the situation been reversed. So lesson learned. Email protocols have been adjusted accordingly. And my punishment for being less than professional in an email to a client? Besides incesantly re-living the moment in my head. Probably a lifetime of having my chops busted about it - by my "sister".

*** By the way I welcome any comments regarding your email or texting mishaps. Thanks Clare***

Shrunk

I'd never been to see a therapist before yesterday. My clinic has a licensed Marriage and Family therapist on staff who specializes in IF. She's actually dealt with IF herself. She was much warmer than I expected. I was completely prepared for a sterile room (no pun intended), open ended questions and bouts of silence. Like you'd see with Tony and Dr. Melfi. But there wasn't a moment were one of the three of us didn't have something to say. The validation we got from that session was like a divine intervention. It was about as reassuring as a conversation with god himself could have been as far as I'm concerned.

Before I tell you more about this, I'd like to clarify that Brian and I both scheduled this session for the same reason - me. In case you couldn't tell by the last oh, 76 posts, I've COMPLETELY LOST MY MIND. Yes, she asked us both questions, and Brian answered everything wholeheartedly, but I'm sure by about four minutes in, the Doctor figured out that I was the main reason for the appointment... I told her about my fears. I told her that I worried that Brian had settled on DI just for me. And how I was afraid that I was being unreasonable by not wanting to wait an undefinable amount of time to save up the money for IVF. That we were rushing into this, because I couldn't wait any longer...

In a nutshell she responded with:

"Melissa, the people who spend the most money don't always win. And I wouldn't say you are rushing into anything. TWO YEARS of trying- completely voids the whole rushing in thing. Keep your eyes on the prize. If you want a family NOW, go get one. If DI is the most reasonable way for you both to attain that, then you're making a fine choice. And also: you're crazy. My receptionist will get you our standard issue straight jacket on your way out."

Okay so I might have paraphrased a little. And maybe she didn't actually tell me that I had lost my mind. Nor did she issue me a straight jacket. But its likely that she at least considered it.

In all honesty we walked out of there with the peace I had hope to achieve in at least eight sessions. I know that sounds too perfect, but I swear it wasn't all peaches and cream. She told us that some of our other fears would probably come true and that our struggles weren't close to over. DI is going to be a life long journey. We have a lot of learning to do, and its never going to stop. And I feel strangely good about that. I feel like this was meant to be in some way. Like we are supposed to deal with this challenge, and we'll be better parents/people for it.

She also confirmed what Brian had been telling me all along. That he really was fine with DI. Like I had already mentioned here, and here. She told me that I was projecting my own fears on to him, and assuming that he'd deal with all this like I would. She said he genuinely appeared to be on board with doing DI. Then she threw out some psycho-babel about how men don't think or process things the same way women do...

I would say that this appointment was worth every penny, but at some point during our discussion, the therapist mentioned that the clinic provides your first counseling appointment for free. FREE. SOMETHING OTHER THAN LIBRARY BOOKS - THAT WAS RELATED TO INFERTILITY- WAS FREEEEEE. Finally. But seriously I would gladly have paid a nominal fee for the advocacy we received from her. Someone who's probably had this conversation a million times in her 20-30 career. She gave us the confidence we needed to move forward. And so we will. And had I not had to get the rubella vaccine yesterday we'd be doing it next month. But instead we'll have to settle for July. We're bumping things up a month.