Home Sweet Home

Well? What do you think?

I personally love it. There are still a few kinks I am trying to work out. Like adding and editing the tabs above. If anyone has any tips for how to do that I would be FOREVER grateful. I looked up this question in the forums, and tried to contact the creator of this template but she hasn't responded yet... Sorry I know this is boring if you've never had to deal with it. So on to the matters at hand...

I'm on my third day of Letrozole, so far not a single side effect to report. I am a little concerned that prolonged use may create cysts and what not. It's actually a little scary for me to be on these meds. I was really hoping that I could get by with natural cycles, but my impatience took over and here I am. I was hoping to create a tab for a break down on my current cycle, but like I said, I'm still trying to figure that out. So here it is:

• I am currently on CD 5, horray AF is almost gone.
• I will be taking Letrozole until CD7 which is Thursday, October 1st.
• On Saturday, October 3rd I will start doing OPK's to make sure I don't ovulate before my ultrasound.
• Tuesday, October 6th I will go in for an ultrasound to monitor the growth of my follicles, hopefully I will have at least two, and no more than three. At that time they will determine when I will need to trigger ovulation. I'll be using Ovidrel for that.
• Then I will go in for my IUI about 36 hours after that. I'm guess October 8th or 9th.
• And after that I will start up on my progesterone, Prometrium suppositories, and count down until my BFP. We won't be doing a beta. I just need to call them WHEN I get a positive test.

God I hope my optimism doesn't come back to bite me in the ass.

Thanks for coming to my new home!

Nope.

If I had published this morning when AF showed, this would be a very different post.

I was furious. I was defeated. I was crushed. Again. I wanted to yell at someone. I wanted to scream at Dr. Rawks because he told me I'd be pregnant by now, and I believed him. You're young. Your lining looks great. Your periods are regular. Natural cycles will be just fine. I'm taking all my supplements, and doing acupuncture. My blood tests are flawless. Our timing has been perfect. I'M DOING EVERYTHING RIGHT. WHY THE FUCK AM I NOT PREGNANT YET?!?!

But it was a different story when the good doctor called me back. He sounded genuinely disappointed. He understood my frustration. He thinks we should move forward with meds too. Unfortunately we can't do injectables just yet. We need to take a class to learn how to administer them, and I'd have to start on the medication tomorrow. So he's putting me on Letrozole, which is like clomid but supposedly has less side effects. I'll have an ultrasound on October 6th, to check the progress and see how many follicles look ready. If they seem large enough I may not need to use Ovidrel to trigger. In addition I will start OPK's on October 4th, just in case. He said it's possible that they could get large enough for me to ovulate on my own. But to plan on using Ovidrel. Then I'll go in for a single IUI. And finish off this cycle with Prometrium suppositories. Fun.

So now instead of fury, I at least feel content with our new plan. And I feel even better knowing I'll get to hang out with an amazing group of ladies from the IF community tonight. I was lucky enough to have lunch with the lovely, hilarious and talented Meg. a few weeks ago. And I'm grateful that she's invited me out to spend a little quality time with some other women who know what it's like. I could really use that tonight. Thank you so much Meg. See you soon.

Any Day Now

I'm going to keep this short and sweet. Because these waits are getting old. And I'm finding myself getting less and less caught up in the hoopla of whether or not this was my month. I just want to know either way so I can get on with my life... (Jaded much?)

I am 12dpo today. I am expecting AF within the next few days. Because I ovulated so early its really hard to pin point a day. But I would guess tomorrow or Saturday. I am feeling a few symptoms but whether they are PMS or pregnancy related, I don't know. None of them are new, or severe enough to really get my attention. And to be quite honest I really don't even want to speculate on them. I wish I felt more hopeful, but I just can't seem to muster an ounce of enthusiasm. I think I'm having such a hard time because I never thought it would take more than three cycles.

I promise I'll let you know as soon as I know anything. I also want to send out a BIG thank you for the support I've received from all of you this cycle. I'm sorry I've been so glum about the whole thing. I know how lucky I am to be cycling at all. HUGS.

Hello!

Welcome ICLWer's! Every month I am amazed that time has gone by so quickly since the last get-together... Well, I'm sure you have a lot of blog reading to do so here's the low down: My husband and I were diagnosed with Severe Male Factor, due to a Chromosomal Abnormality. After MUCH deliberation we decided to create our family through donor sperm rather than IVF w/ ICSI. I am currently 9dpo after our third attempt. So far they have all been unmedicated, and back to back IUI's. Which means we are using two vials of ds per cycle and it's getting pretty pricey so I'd like to get this show on the road already! I just use OPK's to monitor, and I've felt like our timing is pretty good. But seeings as we are more than two years into this process, to say that I am feeling a little impatient would be a tremendous understatement. If it doesn't happen this month I will definitely be moving on to medications. Clomid? Injectables??? I will obviously be having this discussion with my RE, but do you have any advice as to what I might push for? If not maybe just cross your fingers and hope that the third time is the charm for us, won't you?

I look forward to "meeting" all of you!

Well That Didn't Last Very Long...

I think I used up all my happy in that last post. That brief burst of jabbering about lucky numbers and signs was evidently the bottom of the barrel for me. Although it's seemingly more obvious now that I've reread all that four leaf clover, unicorn shit...

And I've got another confession to make. I spend more time online with the IF blogging community than I think I ought to. I say that because my social life is pretty much non existent these days. Let me first say that I have always been a homebody. I always enjoyed an intimate setting rather than a vibrant one. But it's gotten to the point where I'm leaning on you all a lot. Brian is a little concerned. He says it's all I ever talk about. He thinks my hopelessness is hindering our conception viability. He doesn't understand why I don't make much of an effort to hang out with our pregnant friends. He doesn't get why I would feel jealousy or resentment towards people we love just because they have something we don't. I wish I could help him understand. I wish he could see the guilt that comes with feeling this way. I wish he knew that I feel like it's my fault that we've lost two sets of friends, because I'm not strong enough to hide my baggage and pretend everything is okay while my girlfriends rub their swollen bellies and debate over strollers and daycare. Please don't misunderstand, Brian is a wonderful husband and for the most part very supportive. But the last few weeks have been particularly hard on us. He thinks I'm obsessed, I think he's insensitive, and the next thing you know we're fighting over dinner at California Pizza Kitchen.

We can't be the only ones who've hit these lows. Until recently I could honestly say that the challenges we've dealt with have truly made our marriage a lot stronger. I guess I need to start working harder on that. It's not fair that I have become so consumed with my feelings. Above all my marriage comes first. I hate that I've let this overtake me. But it is so difficult to ignore.

Usually around now, 6dpo, I would be feeling anxious about being that much closer to knowing our fate. But all that comes to mind is what our next protocol will be once this cycle is done... Case in point: As of today we are the proud owners of four new vials of donor sperm. I called yesterday just to check the inventory of our specific donor. Turns out it was all gone. His next batch of vials won't be released from quarantine until January. Each sample is tested for STD's, HIV and AIDS then remains in quarantine for about six months until all tests are conclusive and verified negative. When I originally ordered our first six vials in June, there were well over 25 samples in stock. Guess we have good taste. The woman I was speaking with was very kind, but I got a little upset and asked if there was some kind of waiting list I could apply for. She asked me to hold, and came back with great news. She said she was able to pull from a special inventory because I had already purchased from this donor. The most we could get was four vials, still much more than we could afford, but I had to make the decision right way because she said she wouldn't be able to guarantee they would be available next week. And if this cycle doesn't work we would be in the position of having to pick a new donor. She also told me that our donor has another pregnancy reported, so that's encouraging. At least someone is getting lucky.

As of right now I can tell you that if this cycle doesn't work I am definitely going to ask for Clomid or injectables. I can't fucking take this anymore. Bring on the drugs!

My New Lucky Number ?

Thirteen. 13. That's right. I know I babbled about the third time being the charm and all that. I still believe that too, but now I hoping that an affiliation with the number thirteen might do it. Now some view 13 as unlucky, but I personally associate it with a bakers dozen. And how could one extra Chocolate Old Fashion possibly be a bad thing??? I know it's silly to heave my faith on to a superstition, but honestly? It's all I've got. I'm hoping the multiple encounters I've had with this number in the last week might actually be fortuitous for us. It all started when Ms. B (my acupuncturist) said she thought the fact that I ovulated on CD13 was a "lucky coincidence". At first I rolled my eyes and blew it off thinking she was just trying to appease me while I was flipping out because I ovulated so early. But then the next day when we pulled up outside the clinic for our second IUI, it occurred to me that the date was Sunday, September 13th. I giggled to myself as we were getting out of the car. Then I saw this:

Fast forward a few days and I'd tell you that for the most part this cycle has really been at the back of my mind. My positive OPK came and went so fast, I barely had time to obsess over it. I only used two OPK tests. Unlike last cycle, where I blew through what seemed like a gross of CBE's. It's really been a blessing. Anyway, I hadn't thought about it again until I was on my way to work this morning and I realized we are on our 26th cycle. And what's half of 26? Yep, 13. ALRIGHT, I know that's a stretch. I know that these numbers will not dictate a pregnancy. But I am hoping against all hope that this is finally it. So if a lucky number is going to help me feel a little more hopeful I am going to stick with it. (Read:Delusional)

Okay, enough of my crazy talk... I'd like to put out a little warning about Orvidrel. A fellow blogger L from There's a Baby At the End, just had an IVF cycle ruined due to a defective vial. Her clinic was not able to retrieve any eggs because the trigger didn't work. L lists the pharmaceutical company and the Lot Number on her vials. If you have Orvidrel in your fridge, please stop by her blog to see if you have the same batch and save yourself some heartache. Or go by when you can to give her some support. Thanks folks.

Grrrrrrrrrrrr Anyone?

I've been on kind of a rage bender since CD1. The slightest of things set me off. Here is a completely unwarranted rant, all IF related mind you -via bullet point.

• My boobs are killing me. I hate that they start getting sore the day after I ovulate. Two whole weeks of sore boobs. That's 26weeks a year!!! Not only is it uncomfortable but it means I'm in my tww. Which only induces insanity and helps to notify me of impending heartache.
• Even though we ended up getting the timing right, I don't have a great feeling about this cycle... The timing was right on my last two cycles and look where that got us. AND, we had the lowest motile count we've had in the last two cycles. Only 39 Million total for both IUI's.
• I FUCKING hate Facebook. If its not a belly pic, it's finding out I wasn't invited to a Shower. Remember my "friend", who avoided me for four months then called me to tell me she was 19 weeks along? Well, it turns out she had a baby shower two weeks ago, that I wasn't invited to. I don't know that I would have gone - but it still would have been nice too have been given the choice. To be acknowledged, included. I was one of her bridesmaids for christsakes.
• The Mall sucks my ass. I was totally preoccupied this weekend and mistakenly ended up going there ON A SUNDAY. It's like a fucking Stroller Derby, and most of the "parents" leave their common sense, and courtesy in their fucking car.
• I hate knowing what pregnancy symptoms are. The last two dIUI cycles I was completely convinced I was pregnant. My symptoms were all over the place, and I just knew this had to be it. BUT NO. Here I am starting all over again. And I'm fucking getting pretty tired of it.
• Rage. I am tired of being angry, or sad. I just want to feel normal again. I want our old life back. I feel so worn out. How much longer do we have to endure this???

Fuck.

A Reprieve

Sorry it's taken so long to update. We were at the clinic long enough to have lunch and for me to read up to the part where Clare and Henry go to the Violent Femmes concert in, The Time Travelers Wife. Everybody can take a big deep breath. The ultrasound revealed one ginormous 23mm follicle. On my left side, thank you very much. WHEW! Hey, if you've never considered the actual size of a mature follicle, 25.4 mm is an inch. AN INCH. No fucking wonder I'm so uncomfortable before I ovulate. Man does that give me a new found respect for all you IVF ladies. Not that I didn't have any before, I just have a better frame of reference now. How do you all do it with multiple mature follies on each side?! I have ONE and I can feel it when I walk. Gah!

So, crisis averted. The doctor said my lining was beautiful, at a little over 9mm. He recommended going forward with the back to backs. So I'll go back in tomorrow morning for number IUI two. We had a count of 24 million motile swimmers today. Not too shabby. I called my acu lady Ms. B. She is going to make a special exception tomorrow, and open her office just for moi. That's a relief too!

Thank you all so very much for your comments and support. Sorry I was so dramatic, and that my grammar was so horrendous (with the: I'm like, and you're like, and we're all and I'm all), and that my cursing was so... profuse. But if you've read my blog before, you'd know I'm sort of a truck driver anyway.

Okay. I feel better. Holy moly, I'm exhausted. I had myself pretty wound up there. Oh crap, poor Brian. That must have been a hoot for him. Yay infertility.

Are You F'ing kidding me?!!!!!!!!!!

I got a positive OPK this morning..... THREEFUCKINGDAYSEARLY!!!!!!!!WHAT THE FUCK????!!!

I thought about testing yesterday, which was CD12 for me, but I was all NAH, should be fine- I'll just start tomorrow. So Last night around 10pm I started to feel the heaviness in my abdomen than I normally feel before I ovulate, but it was on my left side. Normally I only feel it on my right. But I brushed it off. I was like NAH it must be gas or something... So this morning I still had that heaviness and I though you know - I better test just in case. And BOOM a fucking positive Internet cheapie. And I was like NO FUCKING WAY!!!! So I managed to pee just a tiny bit more and used a CBE. Sure as shit, that little smiley is staring right back at me. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH MY BODY???!!! I was four days late last month, now this?????

So you might be wondering why I'm freaking out so much. It's just a positive OPK,you say. Your clinic is open on the weekends at your service, you say. Well normally this heaviness that I'm feeling? I get the day AFTER my positive OPK. Say I get a positive in the afternoon on say Wednesday. Thursday morning I would go in for mu IUI, then THURSDAY night I would feel the Ovulation pains, and Friday morning go back in for another IUI. SO I'm thinking I'm a day behind!!!! Dr. RAWKS told me that the pain normally preceeds the actual ovulation. So seriously. I'm thinking I'm a day behind. FUCK!!!!

I just heard back from my IUI nurse, I told her the whole situation and she agrees with me that our timing may be off. FUCK. She said they will need to do an ultrasound and if they don't find a follicle then it might be too late, and we might have to skip this cycle. FUCK!!!!

A Little Bellyaching

My Google Reader is getting heavy. She is packed to the brim with updates that measure Weeks and days. My blog roll is beginning to get a little lopsided as well. This revelation makes me both happy and sad. Happy because so many of my IF sisters dreams have finally come true. Then sad, because I'm still sitting on the sidelines. Please don't get me wrong. I am thrilled for the many, and MUCH deserved pregnancies. I'm just feeling a little left behind, which is really another way to say I'm feeling sorry for myself...

It's getting harder to imagine a BFP. It just feels really far away. I used to picture myself in the early morning hours rubbing the sleep and groggy blur out of my eyes, only to fill them again suddenly with tears of joy at the mere sight of my second line. I don't do that anymore. I've stopped imagining how the day will be. And how I'll tell Brian. It seems so foreign now. I realize I must sound unreasonably glum considering I'm only on my third cycle. But it's my blog and I can whine if I want to.

Anyway, today is CD11. I'll start doing my OPK's on Saturday. As long as my cycle behaves this month, I should go in for my next series of IUI's on Monday and Tuesday.

Hey, while I'm on a whining spree, can I just say how fucking tired I am of peeing in Dixie cups?! I never though it would be possible to despise a paper cup, but every time I lay my eyes on the enormous stack in my bathroom cabinet I literally groan out loud, like they're the equivalent of an impending root canal...

A Legacy

I cannot believe it's September. Three months ago I assumed I would be welcoming this month with open arms and a decaf Pumpkin Spice Latte. Instead my heart aches for this summers swift passing. This is the third fall I have welcomed with nothing but failed cycles behind me and the end of another year ticking away like a metronome.

I love Fall. September 1st has always been important to me, something I looked forward to. But it is especially bittersweet now that we're involved in assisted cycles, and still have nothing to show for it. I feel like this year is slipping away and our chance for a 2010 baby is going with it...

Of course I'm still hopeful in the orthodox ways. I wouldn't be doing these IUI's and acupuncture if I didn't think they would work. I just feel like it's getting harder and harder to picture our life with a baby in it. Sometimes because it's just too painful to think about, and other times I'm sort of afraid to jinx it. How sad is that? Am I really at the point where I think day dreaming might actually destroy our chance at conceiving? My superstitions, much like my optimism, have become alarmingly erratic. Oh well.

On to good thoughts. And good things. Good things that spoil my diet.

This is my Grandmother. Every September we get together to bake apple pies. Everyone has a favorite dish cooked by a family member, and in mine, it's Grandma's apple pie. My affinity for her not-so-precise recipe runs so deeply that I won't even order apple pie at restaurants. They just never taste right.

Cooking is a huge part of the connection I share with my family. We usually plan out a menu before we even have an event to prepare it for. I can't think of a better way to spend a Saturday. My Grandmother is one of the most amazing women I have ever known. She is the epitome of a matriarch. Gracious and kind, but stern when it's called for. Warm, welcoming, and always there when you're in a bind. She's 84 and will totally kick your ass at Croquette. She and my grandfather helped my dad raise my brother and I. We grew up three blocks away and spent every day after school with them until High School. We're with them every holiday, and every special occasion. They have made me into the woman I am today, and this month the family will help them celebrate their 64th wedding anniversary.

Behold, the finished product. How do you make an apple pie pretentious? Monogram it.

Out of My Hands

Raise your hand if you've been lapped by The Duggars more than once. You have GOT to be fucking kidding me.

Anyway, back to me and my bad attitude. Boo to round two!!! Third time better fucking be the charm, is all I'm sayin'. So contrary to the sad, sad picture I posted of Parker, I'm actually pretty pissed off. But the kind of pissed off that builds into sheer drive. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing I suppose, all of our laundry is done. Brian should be thrilled about that. But what do I do with this extra motivation? If motivation were enough to get me pregnant I'd be keeping pace with the Duggar's by now. The reality is I don't have any control of the outcome of my next IUI.

The moment I found out it didn't work I decided to create a new plan. I'm going to loose some weight! I proclaimed. I'll skip this cycle and shed what I can in the next six weeks! After I posted the results of my Big FAT Failure 2.0, I got a phone call from Teresa to see how I was doing. I told her I was frustrated, but that I had devised a plan. This is where she eloquently and ever-so-gently pointed out that, my "new plan" was actually my "new way of coping". I was trying to take control of something in this situation.

I had my first acupuncture appointment this morning since CD1. Ms. B looked at me with empathy and said, "Well you didn't expect to be one of those lucky bitches who gets it on the first try, did you?" I quickly reminded her that this was my second try and she succinctly blurted out "THIRD TIMES THE CHARM!" with a smile and patted the table. She'd better be right. Ms. B told me it couldn't hurt to loose a few pounds, but that my specific weight will not prevent me from getting pregnant. I don't need to skip a cycle to watch my diet, but nothing drastic. No crash diets, no death defying workout plans. I realize she is not my RE, but I still trust her opinion. So she plans to be a little more aggressive with this next cycle. I don't actually know how much more aggressive you can really be with acupuncture, but again... I trust her opinion. I'll begin a new vitamin and herbal suppliment regimen. She also doesn't think I should try a cycle with clomid, or injectables just yet. She says my body is doing the work, we're just waiting for the fireworks to happen.

Dr. RAWKS did tell us it would take up to six tries (gulp). I'm just so tired of waiting. I DON'T WANT TO WAIT ANYMORE. I've waited long enough! Haven't we all? I don't want to skip a cycle, and neither does Brian. We're going to move ahead this month. We won't be changing up the protocol much. My body is doing what it is supposed to. Now if only that fucking egg and sperm will do what it's supposed to!!!

On that note. Here is a picture that better represents Parker.

Our Monkey-dog in all of his cantankerous splendor.

Nope.

Infertility Mix Tape

I call it a "mix tape" instead of a "playlist , 'cause I'm oldschool like that. This is something I have been thinking about doing for a while. If I learned anything from my last cycle it's to KEEP BUSY. So without further adieu, I give you my IF mix tape:


1. Wouldn't It Be Nice, Beach Boys

Maybe if we think, and wish, and hope, and pray it might come true
Baby then there wouldn't be a single thing we couldn't do

2. Don't Stop, Fleetwood Mac

Why not think about times to come,
And not about the things you've done,
If life was bad to you,
Just think what tomorrow will do

Don't stop, thinking about tomorrow,
Don't stop, it'll soon be here
It'll be, better than before
Yesterday's gone, Yesterday's gone

3. Somewhere Over The Rainbow, Brother Israel

Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me

4. Patience, Guns n' Roses

If I can't have you right now, I'll wait dear
Sometimes, I get so tense
But I can't speed up the time

5. Message In A Bottle, The Police

A year has passed since I wrote my note
I should have known this right from the start
Only hope can keep me together
Love can mend your life but
Love can break your heart

6. Sabotage, Beastie Boys

'Cause what you see you might not get
And we can bet, so you don't get souped yet
Scheming on a thing that's a mirage
I'm tryin' to tell you now it's sabotage

7. Dreaming With A Broken Heart, John Mayer

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll out of bed, and down on your knees
And for a moment you can hardly breathe

8. Miracle, Foo Fighters

Everything that we've survived
It's gonna be alright, just lucky we're alive
Got no vision I've been blind
Searching everywhere, you're right there in my sights

9. Down So Long, Jewel

We've been down so long
Oh it can't be longer still
And we've been down so long
Oh the end, must be drawing near

10. Lose Yourself, Eminem

Success is my only mother fucking option, failure's not


I saved number ten for last, because it's awesome, and I'd like to dedicate that one specifically to: Wheresmy2lines, Babyattheend, Itsonlylife, Bottomsoff, Conceivethis, and Willnotworkforbaby.

Oh and in case you were wondering, I don't have a Beta scheduled and I'm not planning to test anytime soon. Well at least, I'm going to try to hold out as long as I can.... I'm 10dpo today.

All I Can Say

All I can say is that I'm 7dpo. I don't know when my period is due exactly, which is new territory for me. But I think the mystery of it is bringing me to a new level of peace about this cycle.

This cycle is a mystery in more ways than one. If you are new to my blog via ICLW (welcome!) than I should tell you that my cycles have always been right as the mail. Thirty-one days in length, I typically get a positive opk on CD14 and feel the pressure and discomfort of ovulation on CD15. The very next day, without fail, my girls start getting sore. And the countdown is well underway to AF's arrival.

After last months BFN from our very first dIUI, I began therapeutic acupuncture for the second time, since beginning to TTC. I immediately felt its benefits, from the forced relaxation. But when CD14 came around my positive OPK was no where in sight. I was extraordinarily frustrated at first, and then mystified. I was never that late. CD 21 is when my smiley face finally showed. I was still baffled but relieved to finally be able to get my IUI's out of the way and push my way into another treacherous TTW. My doctor told me I should expect AF about 12 days from my last IUI, but my normal cycle would normally be 16 days after. So I'm left with a four day gap. Oh and the other thing is, my girls are miraculously ail-free. But I guess I should chalk that up to the acupuncture. I remember the last period of time I did it, it helped immensely with all of my pms.

Last cycle, I put a ticker up for the countdown. But this time I don't know when my cycle will end, or most importantly when and if a new cycle will begin. I'm kind of enjoying the mystery. It's taken the pressure off a real countdown. Which has left me peaceful and tremendously hopeful. It's really nice. All I can say is that 7dpo is usually where the crazy starts to kick in, but damn. I feel good.

Coming Soon!

Howdy ICLWer's! Welcome to my blog. Here is a brief account of our history via bullet point:

• We began TTC in August 2007.
• Diagnosed with Severe Male Factor Infertility due to a chromosomal abnormality, in December 2008.
• After much, much, MUCH delibertion, we decided to use Donor over trying IVF w/ ICSI in March 2009.
• We are currently on our second cycle of dIUI's. Since all of my tests came back clear, our RE suggested starting with unmedicated cycles with back to back IUI's. So I go in for an IUI the morning I get a positive OPK, and then go back again the next day.
• If you'd like a more detailed description of our history you can check out my last ICLW welcome where I had a bit more time to devote to a proper introduction.

Which brings us to the current day, 5DPO. I am so ridiculously full of hope right now it's almost suicidal. I was talking to a wonderful friend the other day (hi jess!) and I was explaining how with each IUI cycle my odds of getting pregnant go up. Ex. Dr.RAWKS thinks it will take about three cycles to get me pregnant, six at most. (My vote is for two, in case you were wondering) So the closer I get to three and six, the better my odds are of finally seeing that damned errant second line on an HPT. By the way I completely embrace the fact that this theory is both semi logical and irrationally based. But I'm sticking with it! I HAVE TO. So far hope is all we've got going for us. There are days where it feels like the lines between my determination to be a mother and my infatuation with seeing a positive pregnancy test, blur and I can't decide which one I want more at the moment.

So there it is. Our story in a nutshell.

I look forward to reading all about you!

Another Round

I went in this morning for my second IUI, and spent the rest of the day being completely useless. It was just as fabulous as it sounds. Seriously, it's almost 9pm and I am just getting around to writing this... The IUI went remarkably well, a little crampier than the last ones though. Between the two IUI's we have a total of 46 motile swimmers. They tell me with a frozen sample they hope for at least 10 million per IUI, so I'm feeling good about that.

As I mentioned before, I started up acupuncture again. I am a huge advocate of acupuncture. I did it for three months last year, long before our diagnosis, and although it didn't get me pregnant (because of MFI). I did notice a lot of improvements. My pms was very noticeably minimized, my digestion was more ... regular. And my feet weren't as cold as they normally were. I was able to see a vast improvement in these things about a month into treatment. Digestion wasn't even anything I complained about- It just got better. Aside from whatever the needles physically regulate or alleviate, I think that taking the time to meditate during each appointment is beneficial in itself. I focus on my breathing, and do my best to clear my head. TTC or not, I believe it's a healthy way to nurture mind and body.

The last place I went was an old timey Chinese medicine clinic. Complete with a display of decanters filled with mysteriously celestial looking ingredients. It was a family practice, mother and son. Clean, quiet, efficient. The reason I looked elsewhere was because I was hoping to find someone that focused more on reproductive health. Which is exactly what I found. I am really happy with my new clinic. It's a small place, I think there are only two practitioners. When I first sat down with Ms. B (I don't think she is technically a doctor but she's got a boat load of credentials according to the amount of initials after her name, and certificates on the wall) I told her that I was currently undergoing unmedicated IUI's. She asked about my basic medical history, and then more specifically about my reproductive medical history. I explained that as far as we knew there weren't any issues with me, and that we were dealing with MFI so we would be using a donor. She nodded and told me that she works with a lot of patients dealing with IF, and that 3 years ago, she and her partner used donor to conceive their now two year old twin sons. I was shocked, and thrilled. Someone who'd been there. Yes it was under entirely different circumstances, but still. It felt good to know someone else who knew what I was dealing with. She is sweet, and compassionate, and warm. She says things like "You're welks" (you're welcome). And she couldn't weigh more than 97 pounds. She's funny too. I feel good when I leave there. Her confidence is a little unnerving, but I sort of like that because it's nice to hear a medical professional be hopeful.

So we have two vials left in storage. Each cycle requires two. If it doesn't work this month I will immediately order 4-6 more, providing our donor is still available. And now that I think about it even if it does work I will order more for potential siblings.

And so begins another tww. Let's hope I can sustain a little clarity throughout the next 14-16 days. I honestly don't have any idea when my period will come because I ovulated six days later than normal.

P.S. I'd like to thank Daega99. She left me an Award on her site, but her comment profile lead me to inactive blog... Daega can you send me the link to your other blog, or if anyone else knows it - can you leave a link to it? Thanks!!!

Eureka

I'll call my clinic at 9am, and go in for the first of two IUI's.

It's about fucking time.

Still Nothing....

I sent an email to my RE because I am officially four days past due. He said to call him Monday if I still haven't gotten positive by then... Very helpful. My clinic is open on the weekends, so I'm not worried. Just tired of peeing in and on things...

I've gone through like $70.00 dollars in tests. Almost two boxes of CBE digital OPK's, and the rest of my Internet cheapies. (I can normally get by with 3 CBE's and 3 Internet Cheapies)... I'll be back at target tomorrow morning to buy more tests.

I'm not mad or frustrated anymore. This is really weird for me. Come rain, sleet, or snow, my ovaries have always performed. What are the possibilities that through the last two years we've had MFI, and now that we've come up with a solution my girlie parts go on strike????

Postive OPK - MIA

Okay, sorry I've been slacking. I've been busy...and stuff, I guess. I don't really have a good excuse. Can you forgive me?

So here's my latest update via bullet point.

• I should have gotten a positive OPK yesterday. My cycle for the most part is extraordinarily regular. (I realize that I am lucky)
• Today is CD16 of 31.
• I ran out of the unreasonably expensive Cle.ar.Blu.e.Easy digital OPK's this morning. I can normally get by with 3 or 4 per cycle, because I am SUPPOSEDLY that regular. (My RE prefers that I use that brand)
• I normally buy them from Amazon.com because they are cheaper and I like the privacy and convenience of having them shipped to my house. I went to THREE different stores trying to find more. I went to two this morning before work finally ending up at Targ.et on my lunch, where I found out they cost TEN dollars LESS than the other two stores I went to. And it turns out the Target price is about the same as amazon.
• I looked back at my outlook calendar over the last TWO years where I efficiently marked the day that I ovulated and the day when AF showed. I got positive OPK's on CD18 three times within that time frame. My period then was effectively pushed back three days.
• Fortunately my clinic is open on the weekends so I'm not worried about the fact that I may have to do it then. And actually it's more convenient that way because I won't have to take time off work. (currently doing unmedicated dIUI's)
• I am SUPER annoyed with this delay.

Sorry for the ranting and unwarranted bitchiness. I just want to get this show on the road, ya know???

*********************

Update 8/12/2009 at 11:54am PST

The only second line I have ever seen is failing me. Still NO positive.

I should also say that I was not in anyway stressed or concerned about this cycle before yesterday. I was feeling pretty indifferent actually.

I have been testing 3-4 times per day since Sunday (CD13), so there is NO way that I missed my peak. Also I get cramps and pressure before I ovulate, and I've had none. CM has disappeared as well. Not that there was much of it in the last few days anyway.

Could this be my first annovulatory cycle???

Maybe I should just stick with Clare's comment...

When you need a friend

A few weeks ago I wrote about some good friends who got pregnant on their first try. I wrote about how devastated I was. How even thought I knew that they were trying, hearing their news sent me over the edge. I literally bawled the moment I got in my car to leave work that evening. And I didn't stop until much later that night. These friends of mine are very aware of our situation and gave me the news as gently as possible. We've had them over for dinner since then and although they were careful and asked us more about our current status than they reported of their own, I couldn't help but feel resentful. Her very presence alone was enough to crush my spirit. To break my already wounded heart.

Flip that coin over and you'll find the friends we haven't spoken to since they called us with their happy news. These were friends we traveled to another country with. And spent every Cinco De Mayo with. And saw on a pretty regular basis up until now. In January they suffered a miscarriage. I made it a point to be as supportive as I could. I called up the wife and had a super girly day with her. During our lunch I told her how sorry I was for her loss and then I confided in her all of the infertility issues we'd been dealing with. I told her that I knew she would be pregnant again in no time and that she shouldn't be afraid to tell us when that time comes. She was grateful for my sympathy and empathic to our situation. She asked questions delicately, and told me to call her when I had a bad. I haven't physically seen her since that day. The last time I spoke with her was when she called to tell us that she was pregnant, and 19 weeks along. 19 weeks. We live 6 miles apart. She and her husband have been avoiding us since they found out. They skipped the surprise birthday party in March, that Brian threw for me. And in between the time when they were passed the 12 week mark and when they finally called us, Brian saw them twice. They didn't say a thing. Brian even asked the husband how things were going and the husband blew it off and said they hadn't been trying. Brian has called them a few times and they haven't returned a single call.

Another close friend of mine got married in May and simultaneously announced her abandonment of birth control, just called me today. Out of the blue. She wants to hang out. LIKE SOON. It's pretty obvious that yet another announcement is headed our way. Great.

Infertility changes so many things in our lives. Why does it have to mess with our friendships??? Why does it alienate us from our friends when we need them most???

I hate it but I feel like I'm being left behind. Again. I was just so sure that my first IUI was going to work. I thought about how I'd be far enough along to tell our families on Brian's birthday. Now I feel like we're still months away from anything. This fucking sucks.

Speaking of things that really fucking suck. Please give some love to Kerri at Will not work for Baby. Her IVF cycle failed, and she is understandably broken hearted, as am I for her...

Absolutely Lovely

I cannot imagine where I would be without this incredible community. The love and support I have received is absolutely overwhelming. I am honored to say I received the One Lovely Blog Award from Melissa, Michelle, Kerri and Kim !




Thank you so much for thinking of me ladies! Before I tell you about the details of the award I'd like to focus again one what a great community we have here. And how paramount I think it is that we continue to help it blossom. Mel over at Stirrup Queens has put in a request to boost the involvement in honor of the LFCA's second anniversary. She's asking that we all make a little more effort in submitting news, whether it be our own, or a bloggy pal's. In addition we need to continue visting the Lost and Found to check on the ones who've submitted the news and spread a little extra love. Please do your best to spend a few minutes each night commenting to those in need.

Okay, the rules of the "One Lovely Blog Award" are: Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link. Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you’ve newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award. I'm going to have to cheat a little and only put 9!!! Can you ever forgive me?!

1. Drive Fast. Take Chances.
2. Dreams of a Baby
3. Life in the White House
4. My Journey to Become a Mother
5. Baby Manatee
6. Will Not Work For Baby
7. The Important Things in Life Aren't Things
8. We Got Hitched ... Now What?
9. Me Inside Out

Congratulations ladies!!! A BIG Squishy hug to you all!!

Stress Case

Alright. No more whining. It's time to get myself ready for this cycle. In preparation Brian and I spent the entire weekend doing a whole lot of nothing - in each others arms. We had a fantastic time being super lazy, it was just what I needed. Brian has been so amazing, I can't imagine waging this battle with anyone else. Part of the reason I had to stay so mellow was because I hurt my back. I had issues with it about two years ago, and it's been really sensitive every since. It tends to cramp up a lot whenever I am stressed or upset. I hadn't had flare up in a long time, but my big fat failure managed to do the trick. Awesome.

I also made the decision to start acupuncture again. I am going to see a different doctor than last time though. I found three practices within a mile of my office that specialize in reproductive care. I called today and got an appointment for tomorrow morning. They really prefer to start earlier in the cycle, but evidently any treatment is better than nothing at all. I did acupuncture for about three months months in 2008. WAY before our MFI diagnosis. I thought that the issues HAD to be on my side. I figured my CM was hostile or that I had a hormonal imbalance. My acupuncturist actually told me that other than my circulation being a little less than perfect, but my chi was okay, and that we should have an SA done. And I was like: Nah I think we'll wait on that, I am the problem.

Making this appointment reminded me of how much pressure I put on myself back then. And having one failed IUI has brought all of that back. Now I wonder how much of my stress may actually be part of the problem. Hopefully the acupuncture will help with all of that.

OMFG.

DID I REALLY JUST SUGGEST THAT RELAXING WILL MAKE ME GET PREGNANT?????!!!!

Jesus. I AM losing it.

My Big Fat Failure

I've gone back and fourth between feeling numb and overwhelmingly disappointed. Although today is a little better. The wound is still fresh so I am feeling pretty hopeless. I feel like this year has gone by so fast and that we are going to have to endure another holiday season with nothing to look forward to. Ugh. Halloween will be here before you know it. I of course have been thinking about what I could have done differently... Should I have tried harder to loose a few pounds? Are we wasting our time with IUI's? Should I ask for Clomid to increase our chances? If it doesn't work this time, where is the closest bridge I can jump off? Etc... (KIDDING) I am just so tired of all of this. I'm tired of feeling jealous of my pregnant IRL friends. I'm tired of feeling like it is never going to happen. I'm just plain exhausted from feeling sad. When is this all going to be a distant painful memory instead of what I wake up to every morning? I am completely aware that it doesn't always work on the first try. And I'm sure my complaint sounds paltry after only one failure, but it sucks nonetheless. Dr. Rawks even said it would probably take a few tries. But damn it. I just got over the DI hurdle and was starting to feel a little more normal. Now I have a failed cycle to kick my teeth in.

I don't blame myself for over analyzing my symptoms, I still cannot recall a time when my "girls" hurt as much as they did last week. In fact they still hurt, which is weird. They normally feel better after I get my period. And spotting consistently for two days before a period is not normal either. I have had a hint of spotting the day before, but not all day for two days in a row. Note to self for next month: STOP DISSECTING SYMPTOMS, IT'S GOING TO KILL YOU.

So during this week I have been avoiding personal emails, forums, and blogs at work. I've had to stay focused on work during my lunch to keep from losing it at my desk. Fortunately this week was busy. One of the things I am responsible for is the company newsletters that go in with the paychecks. In every newsletter there is a famous quote. This month's quote:

"When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"

-Franklin D. Roosevelt

Nope

I woke this morning to a screaming migraine. Typical pms. Exce.drine migraine and a strong pot of coffee always helps clear it up, so I tested just to get it over with. BFN. Game over.

Thanks for all of your support this cycle.

Twin Peaks

I haven't really been paying attention to any potential symptoms, but there are two that I just cannot ignore. I know I said that "the girls" normally get sore starting the day after I ovulate but they are different this time. To the point where they ache when I reach for something, or sneeze, or WALK. They hurt SO BAD. I can't even sleep on my stomach.

So obviously I still have not tested. I just don't want to see a test until I have a really good reason to think I might see a positive one. But fingers continue to be crossed.

If you have a sore boob story to help build my hope up I'd appreciate it.

***************************

Update

We can add very light spotting to that list now. Just got some slight brownish red when I wiped. Unfortunately I have seen that before a period occasionally...

This is so frustrating. I sort of feel silly for posting this now, because I'm pretty sure I'll be welcoming AF fairly soon...

Some Whining for Your Reading Pleasure

Okay. It's starting to get to me. I was so proud of myself the first week. I wasn't bothered by my tww in the least. But this point in my cycle is when the supposed "magic happens". IF a little embryo is able to implant, it will be in the next few days. And the idea that I will know our fate in less than a week is simply maddening. I hesitated even publishing this post, because acknowledging my anticipation is only going to fuel the fire.

Now all those tww's that I spent googling early symptoms is coming back to bite me - I suddenly wish I didn't know any of them. At least I know I can't fall back on the old sore boobs bit. Mine start getting sore the day after I ovulate. Yeah, that's just as much fun as it sounds. UGH.

Welcome!

Welcome ICLW Readers!

ICLW always puts me in a great mood! How could anyone not look forward to a little extra love? So here I am, 7DPO after our very first dIUI..........................................................This is me................ Doing a whole...... LOT......Of waiting...............Sound Familiar?

My husband and I were diagnosed with Severe Male Factor Infertility a week before Christmas, 2008. This month officially marks my 24th cycle off of birth control, and I can honestly say I will NEVER go back on it again. After MUCH deliberation we chose DI, over IVF w/ ICSI. The choice to use donor insemination was definitely not an easy one, but there were several factors which made it the right option for us. With the abnormalities in his S/A's, we were concerned about the success rates vs the costs of a one time shot at IVF. Which leads us to the other deciding factor. Money. Or lack thereof, our insurance covers NOTHING. We have spent over $10,000 dollars in tests and procedures so far. I know that is a drop in the bucket compared to other folks out there, but it's still a lot. Getting the money for IVF would be extremely difficult, and would require an undefinable amount of time to save up for it. And to be honest, I wasn't sure I could wait that long or just how much more of this I could take. And as my husband finally put it: He just wants to be a dad.

We are very aware of that choosing DI is going to be a life long journey of challenges, including how to balance honesty and privacy/discretion. Helping our child understand just how very much they are loved, and wanted, and how and why we chose this route. And the particularly crunchy process of continually learning to accept the loss of a "biological child".

When I take the time to step back and look at our life. I'm able to see that Infertility and DI parenting were challenges that are in our lives for a reason. We will learn and grow from this experience, just like the rest of the adversities that life brings. I'd also like to do my part in getting rid of the stigma's that go along with Donor Sperm, by educating and cultivating acceptance - without being to preachy.

But back to the matters at hand... my TWW. My period is due next Tuesday the 28th. So far my plans are not to test until I'm late or suspiciously early. Still I wonder if I'll really be able to holdout. Especially because I just bought a box of HPT's. That's the funny thing. I'm too superstitious to look up my potential due date online, but I can't help myself from buying a pack of HPT's, even though I already have three in my bathroom. To be fair they are three different kinds. One left over Internet cheapie, one digital that I'm saving just so I can see the word "pregnant" - minus the not, for once. And also one EPT. ANYWAY, against my better infertile judgement, I'm decidedly hopeful. It also doesn't help that my good friend Katie just got her BFP and I'm so excited, you'd think it was mine! Oh, and I'll take all the crossed fingers I can get in the mean time if you wouldn't mind. Thanks!

In Honor of Distraction

In honor of keeping my mind off of my uterus I give you: 100 things, by Melissa G.


1. I love quoting from movies. Finding myself in a situation where the excerpt of a script fits a real situation perfectly, makes my day.

2. I love other people who are good at quoting from movies.

3. Listening to music heals my soul.

4. We named our dog after a previous San Jose Sharks defensemen. That's hockey folks.

5. I fell in love with Brian within a week of getting to know him.

6. I tend to over indulge in chocolates and homemade desserts.

7. I don't have any tattoo's.

8. I love writing this blog.

9. I hate when people park stupid. Like taking up two spots. It makes me want to intentionally back into their car.

10. I genuinely believe I am going to win my state lottery.

11. When I was a kid I used a "Who Framed Roger Rabbit" sleeping bag as a bedspread.

12. I had to because growing up with just my dad, he didn't see proper bedding as a necessity. Dad's don't get it sometimes.

13. I wear one of my grandmother's rings on my right hand. When people ask me about it, I feel compelled to inform them that she is still alive.

14. I hate meeting new people. And by that I mean in social situations. I am awful at asking people questions, and typically end up saying something ridiculous when I really meant to be funny and charming.

15. I loathe pineapple on pizza.

16. If I could create a commune, I would.

17. Most of my favorite childhood possessions are pictures and stuffed animals. All of which are in storage at my dad's house.

18. I think Macaroni and Cheese is a gift from the heavens.

19. My parents divorced when I was 4. My dad got custody. This will probably explain a lot about some of the following 81 facts.

20. I am mildly obsessed with The Foo Fighters and John Mayer.

21. I hate ham, but I love pork chops, pork tenderloin, prosciutto and bacon.

22. I played Badminton and Ultimate Frisbee in High school.

23. I knew how to rebuild a carburetor when I was 17.

24. I love and was raised on country music, but have a hard time listening to anything made after 2001. With the exception of the Dixie Chicks and George Strait.

25. I think Shania Twain is an abomination to country music.

26. I am a very, VERY slow reader.

27. I donated my wedding dress to a consignment company whose proceeds go to The Breast Cancer Foundation.

28. I heart Tivo.

29. When I was 12 I stepped on a pencil barefoot. There is still a scar and a lead mark on my foot.

30. I won't leave the house without make up on. Ever.

31. I love the show Scrubs. Dr. Cox RULES.

32. I cry pretty easily.

33. My childhood book collections included Garfield comic strips and The Babysitter's Club series.

34. I haven't gotten a speeding ticket. Yet.

35. I've seen Aerosmith in concert six times.

36. The last concert I saw was John Mayer at the Shoreline Amphitheater.

37. I think my passion for writing far exceeds my ability.

38. I grind my teeth when I sleep.

39. I don't like it when the sensor on a remote control is pointing at me.

40. When I was 18, I drove from California to Mississippi with my best friend. In August. In a 1995 Nissan Sentra with NO AIR CONDITIONING. I still can't believe we made it there and back in one piece. BEST. TRIP. EVER.

41. I can say Wienerschnitzel backwards.

42. "There's No Way" by Alabama was Brian's and my first dance song at our wedding.

43. Nicknames for my dog Parker are the following: Mook, Mookie pie, Poo Pie, Poo Bear, Poo, Monkey Butt, Looper Loo, and Fuckhead. He will respond to all of them.

44. Growing up my Aunt always told me that SPAM (you know the canned meat), stood for Squirrels, Pigs, And Monkeys. I believed her.

45. I LOVE breakfast for dinner.

46. Sophomore year in high school I made my Biology teacher cry. He was a putz.

47. I have never owned a vehicle that wasn't four wheel drive.

48. I have 102.54 GB's of music on my iMac. That is 127.5 days or 3,060 hours of music.

49. My second date with Brian was at a shooting range.

50. I wear flip flops just about everyday from the beginning of March to the end of November. If you don't live in California, you are probably a little bit jealous right now.

51. I hate the words longevity, garment, and panties.

52. I have green eyes.

53. An incomplete list of the foods I cannot live with out: Burritos, tacos, cheese (except cottage, blehhhck), peanut butter, pasta, chicken noodle soup, Kix (cereal), brownies, lets be honest: chocolate in general, turkey and avocado sandwich on sliced wheat, and pancakes. I swear I'm not 400 pounds.

54. My favorite childhood book was Sadako and the Thousand Paper Cranes.

55. I played the flute for 4 years, and the guitar for 3. I now wish I would have learned the drums.

56. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.

57. My first concert was The Beach Boys.

59. I'm allergic to penicillin, and to crab and lobster, but not shrimp.

60. I have split my chin open twice. 7 Stitches the first time - I was in 4th grade, it was picture day so I was all dressed up. I slipped in something coming out of the play ground and fell flat on my face. Luckily I had already taken pictures. The second time, I had begged my brother for weeks to let me ride his BMX bike, when he finally agreed I tried to come down the biggest hill in our neighborhood to show him how cool I was. Except I wasn't cool, and I couldn't cut a turn, I hit the curb, flew over the handle bars and landed on my face - AGAIN. Ten stitches, three broken teeth, and bruised ribs. Awesomeness.

61. I really love to cook.

62. I got a fake ID when I was 19. It worked every time. It took the fun out of when I actually turned 21.

63. My brother and I are not as close as I would like to be.

64. I justify putting ovaltine in my coffee by telling myself that I won't need to add actual sugar.

65. I hate Bridal and Baby showers. I think they are boring and obligatory to throw, and to attend. I usually go anyway.

66. My ears are pierced twice on each side, but I haven't used my second holes in 6 years.

67. I'm fairly awful at boardgames. But I like them a lot.

68. I have perfect vision.

69. I usually listen to music in the shower except for the days when I shave my legs, because inevitably a song will come on that gives me the goosebumps, and I think we all learned at an early age why its bad to shave with goosebumps.

70. I was 17 when I had my first kiss.

71. The same guy who gave me my first kiss, also gave me my first broken heart. Shattered is probably a more accurate description though. I'm over it, I swear. Just nostalgic.

72. I don't believe in Sugar or Butter substitutes.

73. I have been sexually harassed in the workplace. But I was too young to realize that it was wrong at the time. It still kind of haunts me, I'd like to track that guy down and punch him in the face.

74. Even though I know it's really bad for you, I love cleaning my ears with Q-tips.

75. When I get a new CD, I listen to it incessantly for weeks at a time.

76. I hate competitions. I usually end up loosing not because the other person is better but because I tend get psyched out by the notion of competition.

77. I am really struggling to come up with the next 22 things to add to this list.

78. I have ginormous feet. I wear a 10 1/2. Which should also implicate that I'm tall.

79. I'd rather cook dinner at my house for a few friends, than go to a fancy restaurant, or a bar.

80. I've never been to Europe. Our vacations typically entail lying on a beach somewhere with an endless supply of cocktails. I think it would be a waste of money to fly all the way out there only to set up camp poolside, and not go see all the amazing things that define Europe.

81. I'm incredibly lazy. I thought I'd throw that in, in case number 80 didn't make it clear enough.

82. The only famous person I have ever met was Heather Armstrong, the Author of DOOCE. Super nice, and tall as well.

83. Scratch that, I met a few Sharks players at Charity thing one time. Vinnie Damphousse, Patrick Marleau, Mark Smith, Nikko Dimitrakos, and Mike Ricci. I got REALLY star struck. They are not very talkative guys.

84. All time favorite songs - Blackbird, The Beatles. In Repair, John Mayer. Amarillo By Morning, George Straight's version. Into the Mystic, Van Morrison. Maybe, Allison Krauss. Groove is in the Heart, Dee Lite. If you want Blood, AC/DC. Dixieland Delight, Alabama. February Stars, Foo Fighters. Exit Music, Radio Head. Possession, Sarah MacLachlan. Selfless, Cold, and Composed, Ben Folds Five. Okay I really should stop now. This list could go on for a while. So lets call this another incomplete list.

85. I beat myself up about stupid things I've said or done YEARS AGO. I just can't let them go. This will be recurrent for a while.

86. When I was like 10, I watched this horror movie called The Creep Show with my brother, there was this scene with a rabid monkey that was stuffed in a chest with bars on the side of it, and it reached out and tore this guys arm off. From that night on I was convinced that it was living under my bed. So whenever I was getting in bed while the lights were out I would jump into my bed so that the rabid monkey couldn't get my feet. I did this until I was 24. That's when I got married and moved in with Brian. I didn't stop because I thought the monkey was gone but because I was too embarrassed to do in front of Brian.

87. I am a bag lady. I keep bags from nice stores like Nordstroms and Willams Sonoma (usually acquired from sales). I also collect and reuse gift bags.

88. People consider it strange that I put Ketchup on things like burritos, mashed potatoes, grilled cheese sandwiches, and eggs. My MIL puts ketchup on the table when we go to her house for dinner- no matter what she is serving.

89. I skipped number 58. Oh. Hey. You're still here. Errrr, thanks for reading.

90. I can belch incredibly loud. Brian thinks it's awesome.

91. I can procrastinate like a Mo' Fo'. Brian doesn't think that's awesome.

92. Listing the last 91 things about myself has done two things: 1. reconfirmed my suspicions that I am a little odd. 2. made me remarkably tired of talking about myself. Good God.

93. I don't use deodorant or antiperspirant, because I rarely sweat. My mom says it's from our Norwegian bloodline. And probably because I live on the West Coast.

94. I love Disneyland more than I should. My favorite ride is Pirates of the Caribbean. The first thing we do when we get to the park is run down Main Street. The Corndog stand at the end of Main Street, sells the MOST DELICIOUS, Corn battered, deep fried, goodness you will ever experience.

95. I played in a billiards league for a year. I spent a lot of time in Pool Halls until I met Brian. I was pretty good.

96. When I asked Brian for help with the last few "things", he started (playfully) listing things about me that annoy him. Thanks for NOTHING dear. =)

97. I hate the sound of pouring liquid.

98. Sweet Jesus almost done. Ummm... MOVIES! Movies I love: Sleepless in Seattle, Tombstone, Spanglish, The Godfather, Urban Cowboy, A League of Their Own, Sliding Doors, Princess Bride, Billy Madison, The Family Stone, Con Air (yes, seriously), Meet Joe Black, Spiderman 1, Dirty Dancing, The Shinning, Shawshank Redemption, Stand By Me. Yes, I am a big Stephen King fan. This again will be the incomplete list.

99. I am a pseudo fashionista. I absolutely love fashion magazines, and runway clips. I adored The Rachel Zoe Project, as nuts as she is. I am Carolina Herrera on the inside, but Old Navy on the outside.

100. And last but not least, I am a CHRONIC over packer. I usually pack for trips like I am never come back, and I would miss my navy blue cardigan SO MUCH. Even in my day to day. I have to be prepared for my every whim. I hate being without chapstick, or the proper amount of eyeliner, or dental floss, or stamps, or safety pins, or gum (because I love red onions), you get the idea.



If you're in your tww or waiting for your next cycle to start, this was a tremendous time suck, I highly recommend it. Plus I'd love to read about your 100 things.