When Will I Learn My Lesson?

It appears as though I've already followed through on my promise of setting a new standard for what would be considered "mentally unstable"... As I've just reread my last few posts and - Oy. 

While I understand there's no need for me to justify my reaction to the likes of you, I feel it necessary to document just how exactly the wheels fell off. 

Expectations. 

Expectations screw me every time. And the worst part is, I spent like a year in therapy examining my own situations to substantiate just how damaging expectations can be. 

And on top of that, as we were getting ready to start injections I lectured Brian about 'how shit goes wrong' with IVF cycles. 

They get delayed. They get cancelled.

Shit goes wrong, and it happens when you least expect it.

(earth-shattering news to all of you, I'm sure)

I know better. I listened intently to your advice. And to the counsel of a few close IF friends, who reminded me gently to take it one day, one shot at a time.  

And yet we hit the first rough patch and I lost every ounce of lucidity and balance. 

When will I learn my lesson?  

Probably never. 

But thankfully I have all of you to keep me in check. 

And thankful is an understatement. You've all been so incredibly supportive especially during this last week. Thank you for sharing your experience and knowledge. Your support has been invaluable.

Oh, hey, while I was seesawing in batshit crazy nation I got a few awards. But I was entirely to daft at the time to respond properly or thank the people who presented the awards.

A big thank you to the following ladies who thoughtfully bestowed these awards upon me. Many thanks, sorry it took me a millenia to get them posted.

Aramelle

Christa

Let There Be Sims

Krista

Sarah S

A Miracle 4 Us

So I'm supposed to thank the person(s) who gave me the award. Check! List seven things about myself, and pass the award on to 15 (aye carumba) other bloggers. Well gawd bless those of you who had the time to do all that. To be honest I haven't come across too many other blogs who haven't already received an award. That's because you're all awesome. But you knew that. 

So. Will you still love me if I just post the wacky fun facts about me? 

Oh well, here they are anyway.

1. I love the smell of Carbon Copy paper.

2. I just bought my first Cast Iron skillet. After I seasoned it properly, bacon was the first thing I cooked in it. It was Fantastic.

3. I won't leave the house without makeup on. Ever.

4.The last concert I attended was jack Johnson at the Berkeley Greek Theatre.

5. I hate the sound of pooring liquid.

6. I'm going to be 32 next month. Gah.

7. I hit 200 posts in December and my 3rd Blogiversary was last week. I was not entirely motivated to post about either of them because acknowledging them is bittersweet.

And a quick update. I saw my Acupuncturist Saturday and she believes that I did indeed ovulate . Apparently the pulse on your left side is stronger after ovulation. So good news there, and now I just wait for AF. AGAIN. 

Waiting It Out

I’m pretty sure I must have been a complete asshole in my past life. I’ve come to that conclusion because there is no other possible explanation as to why this cycle is going the way it is.

It’s taken me three days to write this post because I’m having a hard time breaking down the information enough so that my tiny brain can even process the basic facts, but here's what I've got.

On 1/25: My E2 was 346 (no u/s) which was CD2 for reference

On 1/27: Went back for an u/s which showed a cyst/follicle at 23mm, E2 was 414, Progesterone 2.0

Dr. 3’s Notes: Surprised that you were able to have a period while your E2 was so high.

Melissa’s notes: Fucking figures.

On 2/1: Morning u/s #2 shows an increase in size of cyst/follicle at 24.5 mm

Dr. 3’s Notes: We have to wait this out. Stay on 10 Units of Lupron. Call me when you get your period. Good luck with that.

Melissa’s Notes: Dr. 3 = Cyborg. All hope of having bio children fades. Break down -Open bottle of wine. Shortly after glass of Sauvignon Blanc I get pains similar to Ovulation. Of course.

On 2/2: Find out 2/1’s blood test results: E2 was 391, Progesterone 1.4 DOWN FROM 1/27. Email Dr.3 because the multitude of questions over what the crap is going on with this cycle is keeping me up at night.

The gist of that email went a little something like this:

Me: Am I being stimulated instead of suppressed by the Lupron? Could my lower E2 suggest that the follicle was getting ready to rupture? Is staying on the same dosage of Lupron possibly delaying the ultimate goal of getting this thing to mature and collapse? Will the Lupron shorten my luteal phase? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING???? SOMEBODY HOLD ME.

Dr. 3: You had one rogue follicle that was not suppressed by the Lupron. It will either mature and rupture on its own or the Lupron will suppress it and it will shrink. There is nothing you can do about it. There is nothing I can do about it. We have to let the meds and the follicle take its course. CALL  ME WHEN YOU GET YOUR PERIOD.

So that's it. I'm done. I'm exhausted and so is my Zen. I'm trying not to give myself a hard time for losing my shit over all of this, but I wish I could have processed everything with a little more grace. But graceful, I am not. And that's what makes me, me. So I'll call Dr. 3 when I get my period, and I'll do my best to catch my breath from here.  And I promise if more shit goes wrong with this cycle, I will set new standards for what it is to be considered "mentally unstable".

Namaste.

Still A No-Go.

The whore-bag cyst is not only still entirely present, but has grown another 1.5 mm. Putting her at a vast 24.5mm total. And my lining is growing like it would in a normal cycle. Fuck.

I am so incredibly disappointed.

Dr.3 wants to wait it out, so I’ll be staying on the ten units of Lupron. Which by the way, makes no fucking sense to me at all. Why would we do anything to prohibit or suppress this thing from maturing/rupturing??? And if the Lupron isn't suprressing me enough, than staying on it is really just slowing the down the inevitable right??? I wish I could say I thought to ask him all this, but I was concentrating on not bursting into tears and looking like a complete douche. 

Yeah, he’s the RE and I’m not, and I do trust him entirely – but dammat I really wanted to be given a plan of attack if it got to this point. It’s been five days since my last u/s and I’ve had follicles get at least as big as 27mm, so at the rate I’m going it could be another ten days before this thing ruptures. And on top of that he wants me to have another period before we move forward. He checked my lining during the u/s and it’s thickening up like it normally would because of the high levels of estrogen and progesterone.  He did explain that we’re not looking at another 30 day wait for my period, it’s more likely to be 6-10 days before I bleed again (if that thing collapses soon). But that is very little consolation considering that today should have been my first monitoring appointment, and my retrieval could have been this weekend.

I can’t even explain the level of disappointment I’m feeling right now.

This fucking blows.

Benched

I really like my new clinic and Dr.3 for that matter, but if there is one complaint I have that runs true with all doctors I seem to have, it's tardiness. I always try to get the first appointment of the day so that there is less likelihood I will be stuck waiting because they're backed up by workload or because of some asshole that was late before me. And stuff happens, I totally get that. But let me at least keep my pants on until you're ready, mmmkay?

End Rant.

So we know that my appointment ran late, as per my diatribe. And we also now know why my E2 is all ridonkulous. It's a big, giant whore-bag cyst. A GIANT. WHORE-BAG. CYST. On my right side, where I mentioned having a slight pinchy twinge. It's a little over 23mm. He says it was a follicle that turned into a cyst, and it's just full of fluid and it will rupture in it's own sweet-ass time. (I don't really know the origins of cysts in general, but that's what mine is) He says he thinks it could happen relatively soon - hopefully this weekend. So for now, I continue with the 10 units of Lupron per day, curse the whore-bag cyst that lies within my lady parts, and wait for this shit to pass. They did do a blood draw, though Dr.3 thinks my E2 will likely be higher than it was two days ago, and will continue to rise until that bitch pops.

My acu lady will see me again on Saturday. I'm hoping she has a needle long enough to aspirate the little bastard, but that probably isn't the case...

I know this is not the end of the world, or my IVF cycle for that matter, but I'm pretty bummed. I go back in on Tuesday for another E2 check and an u/s. Hopefully then I will get the green light to start stims. Thank you so much for all of your support and information, please send some cyst rupturing juju my way when you get a chance.

I Had Been Waiting For This

The first big bump in the road. Over the last few weeks I have been quietly marveling over the fact that this cycle was going so well so far, other than the breakthrough bleeding and extraordinarily sore breasts (like not able to sleep on my stomach). I hadn’t had any side effects from the Lupron, Brian and I have been getting along better than ever and bonding over each shot he administered. I’ve been meditating regularly, yes I  drank the Circ.le+Blo.om koolaide. And my overall mood was happy,and better yet stable. And while being mindful of the fact that this was still very early in the cycle, and that my dosage was low, so of course the side effects wouldn’t be outrageous, I remembered that any moment now my bubble could burst.

And so it did.

I was pretty bummed yesterday, so after work on my way home I did my best to initialize some Damage Control. I stopped in for groceries, picked myself up some pretty flowers and stayed the hell away from the pies. Brian and I took the dog for a long walk and after that I slowed down for a few minutes to listen to a mediation session. Which helped to bring my blood pressure down to a less than lethal level. Then I poured myself a nice tall glass of apple cider in a Crystal Champagne Flute. Which did a little less for me than I’d hoped – man I could have really used a bottle glass of wine to take the consciousness away edge off.

Today is better. I’m going in for an acupuncture appointment this afternoon. My therapist there (aren’t they though?)  said that if it was indeed a cyst she could help with that, but if it turns out to be from the Lupron then I will have just burned up one of my limited allotted sessions (insurance crap). But really I think it will be beneficial for my head, as well, so I can take some time to tune out.

 I’ve also had plenty of time to read through your comments. You all are amazing, and I’m incredibly thankful for your knowledge, compassion and support. And while I’m grateful for each comment and that so many of you took the time even just to say, “ I don’t know, but that sucks and I’m sorry”, here are a few that helped me breathe or laugh:

“Dr.3 is THE MAN, and can deal with this”  - Meg. (a patient of his.)

You’re so right. I do have plenty of faith in him, and I’m sure this is the last thing he wants to see as well.

“I had set-back after set-back… I never got cancelled and they go 50 eggs yesterday” – Krista.

Thank you, I’ll try to keep in mind that it is early and that a lot more could go wrong, but I shouldn’t let that steal my hope for success.

“Stay the hell off of Google” – Aramelle

You’re right. I know. I’m an emotional cutter.

“the hardest thing to do while in the process is to trust the process” – Baby bump Bound

Word.

Good stuff. So I agree with all of you too, I don't think it's Diminished Ovarian Reserve, I was just panicking and disecting the worst case scenario. I know it seemed like I was over reacting, but I felt like my body was already failing me, and FUCK - is it too much to ask that this ONE THING go smoothly?!?!  I also think that maybe the break-through bleeding could have been an indicator to the fact that I wasn't suppressed enough, but I'll have to get that verified by Dr. 3... I didn't actually post about it but the spotting ened up gettin much worse - like regular flow at one point...Yay TMI!  So.  I'm totally not expecting my number to be below 70 tomorrow, I'm just praying that it doesn't go up and that we get some kind of answer as to what the crap is going on in there. I'll be sure to update when I have news tomorrow. Thanks again!

E2=MG Stalled (Help Needed)

I went in this morning for my E2 (Estrodial) and CBC (platelet count). In order to get the clearance to start FSH and hMG (Follistim & Menopur), your E2 level needs to be lower than 70. When I went in last week to get instructions for administering Lupron, the nurse reviewed our calendar and explained how things would proceed step by step from here on out.

On January 20th, I would take my last active BCP and wait for my period to show. My next appointment would be January 25th, today, for the E2 & CBC. She then explained that if my period hadn’t shown by today, my E2 levels would likely not be low enough to get cleared to start stims. I tried not to panic this weekend as my spotting noticeably cleared up (just in time right?), and then fortunately yesterday morning she made her appearance. And let me just say her presence is much more substantial than normal. So naturally I was pretty pumped. I knew that her presence by yesterday would mean that my levels would be dropping considerably. This morning Brian and I happily showed up at 8:30 for my blood draw and for the rest of the instructions on how to work the Follistim Pen and how to mix Menopur. The nurse was sweet and told me she’d call herself when she got the results back. And so she did. And as soon as the phone rang I had a funny feeling the news would not be good…


My E2 level? 346.


Fuck.


So. I was told as of now, not to start stims Thursday night. But I will need to go in Thursday morning for another E2 check, and an ultrasound to rule out any cysts. Fuck.


I have of course consulted Dr. Google only to find horrible information that makes me think IVF will never work for us. Basically one site indicated that elevated levels can point to a problem with ovarian reserve. Which can significantly lower IVF success rates. The only thing that kept me from hurtling myself on to the train tracks, was that I pulled up my records from my Full Blood panel on CD3 in October, and my E2 was 34. So the other possible scenarios, which I discussed with my nurse are:


A) It could be due to a Cyst. I have never had or been diagnosed with a cyst before, but I am technically poly cystic – so maybe now is just the time. Fanfuckingtastic.

B) My nurse said she has seen cases where Lupron actually causes stimulation instead of suppression, which in that case would cause a higher E2.


Now comes the part where I get to stew and over analyze things without having factual information to back it up. In the last few weeks I have, off and on, felt a strange pinching twinge on my right side near where my ovary would be. My right side is my dominant side, if that means anything at all. No pain, just a weird pinch while sitting up in bed, sporadically. It could have been gas, who knows.


Here are my concerns: I’m only on 10 units of Lupron per day. Which seems low compared to other bloggers – I know, I know, you’re not supposed to compare cycles since everyone is different. But really it seems low.


I could really use some more information about this, whether from experience or a reputable website.


HALP!

Because I Made My Own Bed

Previous to falling face first in to what is certainly the most challenging period of my life, I had imagined growing old with the small group of close friends we kept.

Old and gray, with grandkids in our laps.

But things change. I’ve changed. And as our years in the realm of infertility have gone on, I have slowly removed myself from the bulk of what once was a close group of friends. They have kids now. And seeing them makes my heart ache in the worst possible way.

Infertility has greatly impacted every single one of my friendships. And more often than not, I’m sorry to say, it has been negative.

I’ll fully admit that 95% of the friendships that have waned are a direct result of my actions. I have chosen self-preservation over sucking it up and throwing on a smile at yet another friends baby shower, or baby’s birthday. Hell, I can barely even manage to keep my shit together during a simple dinner when children are present.

So I suppose it’s only natural that at some point, after so many declined invitations, said friends would stop inviting us to parties and or casual gatherings. And while I'm sure that their decision was not easy one to make, I can’t help but grieve the place where we used to be. And I struggle with whether it was wrong that they didn’t even bother to invite us, or if they actually did us a favor by letting us off the hook? But basically my choices are feeling bad about not going or feeling bad about not being invited. Nobody wins.

I have made a lot of truly incredible friends within the ALI community. Seriously, some exceptionally amazing people. And I wouldn’t trade those friendships for the old ones I had. But I hope to hell that if I ever get out of here, I might someday get them back.

2011 ICLW

Greetings ICLWer’s, and Happy 2011! Whether 2010 was your year or it sucked more than Sex and the City II, I’m sure you’re likely glad to see a new year come around.

As for me, I fall in the latter category but I have a sneaking suspicion 2011 is going to make up for that and the heinousness that was the last three and a half years. My husband and I have been ttc since the summer of 2007, and it’s been a whirlwind of heartbreak, desperation, and general ickiness. All of which I feel lucky enough to say has brought us infinitely closer. (Though 10 months of marriage counseling didn’t hurt either). We took most of 2010 off to recuperate emotionally and financially, you can read about our long drawn out history here, or check out the bullet point version in the timeline tab up above for time's sake.

On this very fine day, you should know that I am on day 6 of Lupron and took my last active BCP yesterday. All this for our very first (and very much hopefully LAST) IVF w/ ICSI cycle. Next Thursday I’ll start Follistim, Menopur and Dexamethasone. We’re looking at a potential retrieval date around February 6th -9th , and hoping for a day five transfer. Does anyone else feel like I should be telling you what altitude we’re flying at? Sorry if this intro was a little lackluster, I’m currently, and equally overwhelmed with excitement for our cycle and my job workload.

At any rate, Happy ICLW and thanks for stopping by!

Ten Units Please!

Lupron shot number one is DOWN! Annnnnd my husband is a total rock star for two reasons: 1) I am still alive and 2) I didn’t feel a thing! I panicked only a little in an excited-giggly-school-girl kind of way, but got over it pretty quickly when I realized he was doing the shot but it didn’t hurt a bit! I am by no means a needle-phob, I’ve just never had anyone who wasn’t professionally trained, jab a needle in my arm. Good times. So as recommended by my in-cycle nurse we are doing the Lupron in the fatty part of the back of my upper arm. (Ironically the place I like to torture the people I love with a surprise pinch when they don’t know I’m behind them.) Because at one point we will be doing three shots per day, she recommended not using all of the “real-estate” on my stomach since it can get sore. Sounds fair to me.

So call me Spotty-Mc–TMI-Spotterson, I’m still spotting but it’s starting to clear up RIGHT IN TIME for me to finish up BCP’s on Thursday and wait for AF to show. Nothing like having your period for two weeks... So the spotting actually got worse starting Friday night, and stayed that way through Sunday. (Like bright red, and requiring more than a liner) I did call in and actually spoke with Dr. 3 since he is on call after hours. My nurse told me to call if it got worse, so I did. I felt a little sheepish bugging him for something that seemed so trivial, but A) I don’t know enough about IVF to gauge if my spotting should even be considered trivial, mostly due to fact that Dr.Google, and all of you seemed to have been treated differently per your respective clinics. And B) I remembered how much we’re paying this chump, he can take a three minute phone call from me don't think he minded that much. Anyhoo, he diplomatically, and promptly explained that it was fine. That they prefer not to ask patients to double up on BCP’s because most people just end up complaining of nausea and go back to taking one per day anyway.

So HOLY CRAP we’re really doing this! I’m feeling really good, and taking a lot of time for myself by thinning out our schedule. It’s been really nice to have the extra alone time with Brian, and not having too much going on socially is a bigger relief than I realized it would be. By the way, thanks so much for all of your thoughtful comments. Even though it’s still early in the cycle you’ve been extremely supportive and super cheerleader-y and I really, truly appreciate it.

GO INJECTABLES!

Break On Through - Updated

Let the "Oh crap, what does this mean" moments begin.

I started spotting pretty heavily this morning, dark red. It's only CD 21. I haven't missed a bcp and I've been taking them around the same time every night.

I left a message on the non-emergency line with my In-cycle nurses, because it doesn't seem like an emergency. What say you veterans? Should I be concerned with a little break-through bleeding, or just annoyed at the inconvenience?

Thanks in advance!

____________________________________________________________________

Thanks to all of you who shared your experiences or even just left an encouraging comment. I did hear back from my nurse. She said it's totally normal, and yes annoying, but not to worry. She warned that if it turns into more than spotting, I need to call them and they may have me double up or even come in for an u/s. So far it's lightened up a bit. The other side effect I've had from bcp's has been really sore boobs (which is a common pms issue for me) for about the first two weeks, but they're fine now.

Thanks again ladies!

Meds

This afternoon the Mr. and I will head down to our clinic for injection training. I'm quite certain he's been waiting for a legitimate reason to stab me since about September of 2007.

Saturday I cruised over to the pharmacy to pick up my stash. As the technician handed me the neatly packed bag, I felt surprisingly underwhelmed by the size and weight of it all. The bag containing my burger and fries from In-N-Out that I picked up on the way there weighed more than the $3,800 dollar's worth of medications I now held at my side. Not that I anticipated needing a hand truck to get to my car or anything, but it sure didn't feel like much. It wasn't even all that real until I started taking the pictures of my loot, that it really hit me.

This is for us

For our IVF cycle

It's here. FINALLY.

Hers.

His.

My list of meds to date:

Folgard

Metformin

Pre-natal

Low Dose Asprin

Birth Control

Calcium

Humira

Lupron

Dexamethasone

Cipro - antibiotic

Menopur

Follistim

(Complete with lucky pen)

Novarel - trigger

Brian's meds:

Cipro.

(nice, huh?)

Although to be fair he's been taking a hefty load of supplements since June. Six pills twice a day. Remember the tic tacs? They worked - sort of. Not enough to get us there the old fashioned way. But enough to have made it worth it.

I start Lupron Sunday.

Holy crap.

New Year, New Way for Life To Point And Laugh At Me

Holy Hell people, the last few weeks have been such a whirlwind, I hardly know where to begin. Oh wait! Happy fricken' 2011! Sweet Jesus was I glad to see 2010 go. I learned a lot, I grew a lot. I'm OVER IT, and ready to kick some mayjah infertile ASS, à la a viable pregnancy. Savvy?

Good.

There have been lot of changes in the last few weeks, lots of ups and downs - none of which I have blogged about. Mostly because I've been trying to process everything internally, and with Brian. I don't mean to make that sound scary, and no I'm still not running for Governor. We've recently had an epiphany of sorts regarding finances and really just how far we're willing to go into debt to make this whole parenthood thing happen. And well, it made me feel pretty blue at first. The reality of how much your financial parameters impacts your ability to pursue treatments really sucks balls, and I threw myself a little pity party in lieu of.

Realistically we are able to do this IVF cycle. And I know there are plenty of others who can't afford to get that far. But my eyes were a little bigger than our pocket book and the long term actuality is such that the two package deal we wanted to do is a little out of our grasp. We can afford the cost of the package itself, but if we have to do additional cycles we'd have a hard time coming up with the gravy to cover additional meds. Meds for a fresh cycle will run us about 6k, and FET's will be at least 3k. Not something I could have know until we got all of our prescriptions from Dr.3. So. Since we're about two shakes from knocking of a liquor store to pay for this cycle as it is, we decided to draw the line at one fresh IVF (and of course any FET's, if we're lucky enough to end up with frosties). And if after all that we wind up with empty arms, we can move on to Foster Adoption knowing we gave it the old college try, without putting ourselves in financial ruins. It's really the most sound decision we've made since the determination to take last year off, and it feels so right.

So last week we signed our lives away and I wrote the biggest check I've ever written (my hand was actually shaking as I wrote it, and for a split second I forgot how to spell "thousand"). And yesterday afternoon I ordered and paid for all the meds we'll need for this cycle. Pickin' em up tomorrow! Wooo!

And about an hour after the confirmation from my pharmacy for the meds, I got a call from the University where we got our second opinion. Can you guess where this is going? Cause I sure as hell couldn't. Like three weeks ago I finally got the bill for the consultation we had LAST January, so I thought this was a "where's my money, fool" call. But, no. This was from the Research Department. For Clinical Trials. She wanted to know if I would be interested in adding my file for review of eligibility for an ALL EXPENSES PAID Cycle of IVF, under an FSH study. Seriously. And SERIOUSLY?!?!

The review for candidates wouldn't be for a few more weeks, so asked to keep my name on the list. After we hung up, I pulled my jaw off the floor, and started to process all of the information she gave me. Here is what I realized 1. I am being reviewed for eligibility, so this isn't even a sure thing. And 2. Even with that phone call, as much as it took my head clean off, I don't regret having signed and paid for our current IVF cycle with Dr.3 - mostly because I genuinely believe it's going to work the first time. But also because it gives me the tiniest bit of hope that if it doesn't, we might, maybe-a-little-bit, have the possibility of qualifying for a clinical trial at some point and that all hope of someday being pregnant won't ride on this single cycle.

Up until this phone call I had forgotten that a few months ago in a brokeass and hopelessness induced fit, I had called their research department regarding clinical trials only to find out we didn't qualify for anything - at that time.

So in summation: Life goes on. The plan is this, A) Obviously go on with our current cycle, it's fucking paid for now. B) Wait for her call. If she calls next month I'll see what the time lines are like and ask for an extension until the end of February, when I'll know where we stand. C) Hope for the best on all accounts. If there is one thing I learned during my 2010 recon mission, it's patience, and that I truly believe things work out the way they are supposed to, which I know from experience means: never the way you planned, so get over it. Quick. So as for the new year, I have no fricken idea what 2011 might bring me, but at this very moment I have a buttload of hope and aspiration for greatness.

42nd Time Wasn't the Charm

This month represents our 42nd cycle of trying to get pregnant.

Normally AF's appearance would be greeted with a glass of wine and a good cry, but today it means something else.

It's CD1 of our first IVF cycle.
(and hopefully only)

I'll start BCP's the day after Christmas. My nurse gave me our tentative schedule, and I haven't been this excited about anything in a very, very long time. I want a BFP so fucking badly I can taste the after vomit from morning sickness... (too far? oh well.)

12/26 Start Birth Control Pills

12/29 & 1/12 Humira Injections (for Immunology Issues/ Neutralize Cytokines)

1/16 Start Lupron Injections

1/20 Last BCP

1/25 Estradiol & CBC, Blood Tests

1/27 Start Follistim

2/2 Estradiol, Prolactin, NK & TH1/2, Ultrasound & back up Semen Sample

2/6 - 9 Estimated Retrieval

2/9 - 16 Estimated Transfer (they prefer a day 5 transfer)

Beta at 13 days past transfer

Fall 2011 - We become parents

Presumptuous? Yes. But monkeys? I can't afford to be anything BUT hopeful....

Anyhoo, this might be my last post for 2010 (and good riddance to this year, I'm so OVER it). So I'd like to take this take this opportunity to thank all of you who offered unwavering support through my year of "recovery", then wish everyone a Merry Christmas; if that's your bag, but more than anything I wish you all a very, very Happy 2011.

December ICLW

Oh ICLW, you sneaky monkey - how could it possibly be the 21st ALREADY?! Sorry I was a bit un prepared, I'm days away from CD1 of our first IVF cycle and entirely absorbed/terrified/excited about it. This fall we started with a new RE, dubbed Dr.3, whom diagnosed me Ovulatory PCOS (different than Classic PCOS), Elevated TH1 & TH2, and Natural Killer Cells, and MTHFR (2 mutations of A1298C). I've been on Metformin, Folgard, Low Dose Aspirin, and prescription Prenatals since October. BCP's should be coming up right quick!

So here's a little (actually alotta) history:

My husband (35) and I (31) started TTC in the summer of 2007. I genuinely believed that we would get pregnant on the first try. Ha. Fourteen months later, we moved on to testing through my OBGYN's office which revealed a severe male factor. She promptly pointed us towards the RE who I now hate told us IVF w/ ICSI or Donor Sperm would be our only options. After MUCH deliberation we chose Donor over IVF, partially because it was the most financially attainable option (our insurance covers NOTHING for infertility, not even diagnostic testing) and because we were concerned about the implications of the severity of his diagnosis might mean for our future children.

Fast Forward to December 2009 when we completed our SIXTH and final DIUI. All of them left us with straight up BFN's and a fair amount of debt. Our RE at the time and the second opinion we got a month later were dumbfounded and couldn't explain why none of the IUI's worked because my charts looked so great. Umm yeah, neither of those doctors caught the OPCOS which is clearly evident in an u/s and with knowledge of the fact that my cycle is 30 days. And interestingly enough, neither of them test for immunological factors... But at least I have an answer now as to why none of the dIUI's worked.. Not that it's any consolation.

That brings us to January of this year, I'm not going to lie- I was a complete basket case. We decided to take the rest of the year off to focus on our marriage and restoring my mental health. By March we had decided to plan for IVF in 2011 - with my husbands sperm. In the mean time, we've been doing our best to appear somewhat normal to the rest of our friends and family.

So there you have it. I look forward to reading all of your blogs, and hope you enjoy the last ICLW of 2010!

Tree Hugger

Brian sent me an email Tuesday morning with the Subject reading:

Looks like u two have some things to do tonight.

Teresa my boss/bff was aware of my indecision about getting a tree this year, and last year- but still did her best trying to coerce me into getting a tree; to no avail. I down right refused. So when I got this email from Brian the first thing I did was forward it on to my friend, and a chain of emails quickly ensued.

From: Melissa G
Sent: Tuesday, December 14, 2010 11:25 AM
To: Teresa
Subject: FW: Looks like u two have have things to do tonight


Check it out. =)

(picture attached)
_______________________________________

From: Teresa
Sent: Tuesday, December 14, 2010 11:31 AM
To: Melissa G
Subject: RE: Looks like u two have things to do tonight


:) That's so sweet. I want to hug him.
____________________________________________

From: Melissa G
Sent: Tuesday, December 14, 2010 11:33 AM
To: Teresa
Subject: RE: Looks like u two have things to do tonight


I know, he totally made me cry.
___________________________________________

From: Teresa
Sent: Tuesday, December 14, 2010 11:33 AM
To: Melissa G
Subject: RE: Looks like u two have things to do tonight


Me too. If you want a friend to decorate with you, let me know. :)
______________________________________________

From: Melissa G
Sent: Tuesday, December 14, 2010 11:39 AM
To: Teresa
Subject: RE: Looks like u two have things to do tonight

Awwwwwwwww. Thanks, but I think I'm going do it naked as a "thank you".

__________________________________________________

Are you happy now???

Good, me too.

The One Where I'm All Over the Place

I spent the last two days in bed. Watching the heinous excuse for entertainment that is daytime television. Not to mention two movies that equal four hours and fifty-two minutes of my life that I'll never get back (Valentine's Day and Sex and the City 2). AWFUL movies, in case you were wondering...

The two days in bed were brought to me by a hellacious cold, courtesy of a co-worker. I can't completely fault her though, I seem to get sick whenever anyone around me has something. (Elevated Natural Killer Cells, MY. ASS.) Please don't correct me if I'm way off base on the NKC thing - it was a joke and I'm still entirely too foggy to reply with much more than a hand gesture, which you'll obviously never see.. So let's save each other both some effort, yes?

So at the very least I was able to cross a few things off my list. I got the 'Clean bill of health" (ironically) from my GP, along with a copy of my last Pap Smear results. And sent them over to my Nurse Coordinator at Dr.3's office. Whom by the way, is not exactly the sharpest tool in the shed, I'm sorry to say. But more on her later.

Speaking of Christmas tree's, we still haven't decided whether or not we're going to get one this year. (Nice segue, huh? Well that's how my cloudy little brain works while stifled by an illness- get used to it.) We've put lights up on the house and a few decorations on this inside but I still haven't come to a conclusion about a tree... We've always been hardcore Christmas fans, and if someone told me that one year we'd decide not to get one, I'd have driven off the closest bridge embankment without a second thought. But about this time last year I had begun my descent in to the sixth circle of infertile hell, and could not for the life of me find a single reason to celebrate. This year I'm no where near that state of mind, I'm listening to Christmas music regularly (not crying on the way home from work every night allows time for radio play) But I still don't feel 100% there. Brian says it's up to me, that if I want a tree he'll be on board, but I just don't know. Part of me thinks that it's a good idea just to get one, in the same way that it's important to listen to upbeat music when you're down instead of indulging the sadness by listening to the melancholy stuff. Which I'll totally admit was not my Standard Operating Procedure in the past - I have to thank cgd for finally getting me to stop that)

Will I regret getting a tree? Probably not. I guess the side of me that's holding out is the side that feels like it wants to put certain things on hold until there is a baby G (or two) to celebrate with... All the while I know it's not okay to put your entire life on hold and allow the infertility to swallow up yet another aspect of our lives. Still I'd be kidding myself if I said that we hadn't been 95% devoured by infertility anyway, because just like raising children becomes a main focus in your life: not having them, as well as the journey to get them, requires the same amount of attention. Would you agree?

Procrastination Nation

Between the lines of inclination and procrastination exists a dimension of balance and symmetry. I know nothing of this realm, simply because I can only function on one side of the spectrum or the other. I excel to the nth degree of practice in each field. Thin or flush, all or nothing.

For I am my own driving force, and adversely, my own filibuster.

Where am I going with this you ask? Well, right after the seminar I was all gung-ho to get this IVF partay started, but the crappy test results and impending financial burdens really knocked me down, and I immediately started to run the other direction. Cause I'm mature like that. Running away is always the answer - something I am totally going to teach my kids. When I have them - oh wait...

So you know those tests I have to go back for? The ones I complained about like two weeks ago? Well I sort of knew about them two weeks before that. And I've sort of been avoiding them. I know, my ninja like dawdling skills are mind-boggling, yes? Fortunately the grown up in me started to remember how crappy it is to have to scramble to get my shit in order, following a procrastination bender such as this. And also how much I'd like to avoid being committed to a county facility, cause Ima' 'bout to loose my shit if I don't get on the road to parenthood right quick. Plus I would be incredibly disappointed if my cycle got pushed back just cause I was being a douchebag.

So here's my list of shit to do:

• Get Brian's blood work requests over to his GP so that he can order them under something other than infertility in the hopes that the miserable bastards at our insurance company will cover them.
• Get my bill of clean health from my GP, and letter stating that my last Pap was clear.
• Get the Tuberculosis test.
• Get the other blood tests for the gene mutations I can't pronounce let alone spell.
• Call to process my application for free IVF meds.

While we're on the subject, an update on the miserable bastards at the insurance company front. The initial statement I received for the denial of claims on my blood panel was evidently only a portion of the blood tests. The immunology stuff was sent to a lab in Chicago and submitted at a later date. So I received a separate letter from the miserable bastards stating THE ALLOWED CLAIMS. Out of the $1,400+ dollars worth of testing for the immunology, I am responsible for $89.00. HOLEE-CRAP-THEY-BOUGHT-IT. Annnnnnnnnd, I called about the other work (the $3,800 in denied claims), it turns out it was sent to the wrong branch and has since been resubmitted and is currently in review for coverage- YARHOO. I know that isn't a guarantee that everything will be covered, but it's a step in the fucking right direction.

So do I feel bad now about calling them miserable bastards?
No. Fuck, no. Not one bit, because they deny shit that should be covered for people in much worse situations than me on a regular basis and for that I hope their descent to hell is a slow and painful one.

Just to clarify.

So who's ready for the weekend?!

Trying to Hold On

Dr 3's office called me this weekend. I missed it, but my nurse coordinator called to say they'd like to have me do a few more blood tests.

More? REALLY?

Twenty-fucking-four vials didn't give them enough information already???

During my Genetic Counseling session, which Dr.3 requires before he will treat you, I mentioned that like 30 billion years ago there was some Jewish heritage in my family, (doesn't everyone, sort of?) so he wants to check me for some ridiculous gene mutations that I have never heard of (not tay sachs- already tested clear for that) They also want a blood test to see if I've ever had any kind of exposure to Tuberculosis.

Part of the reasons I'm annoyed with this is because my insurance declined to cover any of the blood work we've done so far. $3,800 dollars worth. My NP at the Obgyn's office who was trying to assist us in the insurance deception department, told me that I should call and ask that it be resubmitted. She also said she would provide a letter to them, if it'd help. All of which I plan on doing, despite my intense want to pretend none of this is even happening.

The other reason? I'm angry. And exhausted. From all of this. Sometimes I wish I didn't want a child so badly. Because my life outside of infertility is pretty great. And the parts that aren't, well, are more than enough for me to handle. I don't really need any more difficulties. REALLY UNIVERSE, YOU CAN BACK OFF NOW. MAILBOX FULL. OKAY?!

I had a dream last night, that a foster adoption we had applied for came through. (our next plan if IVF doesn't work). They placed a baby in my arms, and I instantly fell head over heels. Then I had to leave the a baby at home with Brian while I rushed out to by a car seat and clothes because we weren't at all prepared. But it was exciting. And wonderful. And I just want so very badly to be at that point all ready. I don't know how much longer I can do all this - I wish I could let it all go. The longing, the emptiness. I'm drowning in it.

I'll start BCP's in about a four weeks. And I'm excited, really. I'm honestly thrilled that we're finally going to have our first real shot at actually being pregnant - in a very long time. But I mostly just want to get it over with. To be done with this part of my life. To move on.

I'm sorry this post sounds like I'm down, which I guess in relation to IF, I am. But otherwise I'm pretty happy. Looking forward to Thanksgiving and the new Sweet Potato recipe I'm going to try out. And on that day, I'll give thanks to all of you - for every single ounce of support you've offered me. And pray with eveything I have that each of our journey's comes to a swift and blissful conclusion.

November ICLW!

Each time I participate in ICLW I try to come up with some new-fangled concept for and intro. And today is no different! With that, I give you: Contributing factors in an Infertility Bloggers Life; via Bullet Point. Autobiographical.

1. An outlet of some sort became necessary approximately six months after we officially started trying, and my lovely husband couldn't understand why I cried alone in the bathroom every 31 days.
2. At that point I was still fairly certain that I'd see a positive pee stick in the very near future and shortly thereafter commence writing a wildly self-indulgent, and more than likely whiny pregnant-lady-type-blog.
3. Lingering only slightly in denial, we didn't have any testing done until after 14 months of trying.
4. A week before Christmas, 2008 we found out we had Severe Male Factor, and were instructed to go directly to a Reproductive Endocrinologist.
5. Before even seeing an RE, we promptly decided not to have children at all.
6. That resolution only lasted about two weeks.
7. Fast forward to now, and we are gearing up for our very first IVF cycle in January/February, though I'll likely be starting BCP's towards the end of December.
8. In an effort to circumvent my crying over MUCH spilled milk, you can read about my sordid past here. It gets down to the nitty gritty of exactly what happened from the time we were diagnosed, to the beginning of what would be a break in TTC, and ART for pretty much all of 2010.
9. The new RE we're seeing (referred to here as Dr.3) ran an obscenely comprehensive blood panel on me and it came back positive for MTHFR (two mutations of the A1298C gene, with a borderline homosteine level), Elevated TH1, TH2 and Natural Killer Cells. Awesomeness. Oh, and also Ovulatory PCOS - different than Classic PCOS - cause ya know - I'm an over achiever... Okay, not really.
10. None of the aforementioned diagnoses were ever found by my previous RE(s) because they don't believe in Immunological Disorders. Or paying close attention to Antra Follicle counts evidently, because the OPCOS is as clear as day on a baseline u/s, and should have been determined easily based on the knowledge of my 30+ day cycle.
11. I'm over the misdiagnosis - CLEARLY.
12. I know you have 742 other blogs to read and comment on, so I'll keep it brief and end it here; welcome you to my blog and thank you in advance for your comment, then tell you I look forward to reading all of your blogs as well. Oh, and if you're going to be cycling with IVF close to when I am, be sure to say so in your comment - I'd love to stalk you and compare Lupron induced rants notes!

Losing My Way

Blehhhhhhhh.

I got the writers block, yo.

I think part of it is because I've been a little overwhelmed with having gone zero to sixty in such a short period of time. Which lead to me spending recent days reflecting on the last year or so of my life. And cripes has it been a doozy. Especially when I think about where I was this time last year. (Cuckoo cuckoo cahchoo, man.)

Seriously, my chest feels heavy just thinking about it.

So I'm sorry for not posting much here, or being super great about commenting. I guess reading some blogs here, no matter what stage you're in - has been overwhelming in a different way - and that way, is part of what Brian calls "you'll never win, so don't even try". Those of you in the early stages reminds me of when I was there and the fact that I'm not any further along. Those of you who are parents already - for obvious reasons. Those of you cycling; well this one is tricky because I'm jealous and I want to be at the end of a cycle already, and at the same time aloof, because damn, I'm beginning to worry that I'm not strong enough to do this. And I kind of wish it was September again - before baseline ultrasounds, crappy test results, and specifics on financials for IVF came in.

Gah.

I'm not even there yet and I'm feeling a bit disheartened. Le sigh.

Crap that Sucks, Part I

Methylenetetrahydrofolate, also known as MTHFR, and affectionately referred to as MoTHerFuckeR.

Methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase is an enzyme that is involved with amino acid metabolism in the body.

A mutation in the gene that produces the enzyme can affect how a person’s body processes homocysteine, which is an amino acid found in blood. (There are several different types of mutations, but this is a blog post not a medical transcript so I’m not going to get into the variances between the different types. But my NP did say that if you have to have a mutation, mine is the one you want to have {two mutations of the A1298C, Homosteine level is 10.5; normal is below 10.4})

An elevated level of homocysteine increases the risk of blood clots, and typically decreases the body’s ability to metabolize Folic Acid and other B vitamins.

Common risks associated with blood clots are Cardio Vascular Disease, Coronary Heart Disease, and Stoke. In pregnancy: Recurrent fetal losses that can occur in any of the three trimesters, Placenta Abruption (when the placenta detaches from the uterine wall before delivery) Small Gestational Age (where the baby is smaller due to clots in the placenta which results in a lower supply of blood delivered to the baby) Preeclampsia (High Blood pressure, proteins in the urine)

It should also be noted that the decreased ability to metabolize Folic Acid and other B vitamins leaves your baby susceptible to Neural Tubal Defects (Spina Bifida, and a whole mess of other scary birth defects), Preeclampsia and Blood Clots.

So part of the reason that not all doctors test for this is because the link between the MTHFR and recurrent Miscarriage has not been conclusively proven, therefore has never been formally introduced as a risk factor that should be routinely tested for.

I wrote this post because doing the research was therapeutic for me. And unlike my ability to properly absorb Folic acid, having to decipher the data and regurgitate it forces me to really absorb the information, and now I might not kill myself. KIDDING. This shit instantly mattered a whole lot less when I got the NK Assay results back. I still have a lot more reading to do there.

Please, please, please, please, please do not hesitate to contact me if you see the slightest bit of misinformation in my statements above. You can also email me for my references.

Annnnd the last of it; Dr. 3’s preferred method of treatment:

• 2.2 mg of Folgard daily, which is a high dosage of Folic Acid, B6 and B12 (starting now, and pretty much for the rest of my life)
• A prescription strength prenatal vitamin (starting now)
• Low dose/ Baby Aspirin (81mg) (starting now)
• Heparin: Likely started just after my transfer, I will need to give myself two shots per day until I’m at least twelve weeks along, possibly longer - pending future blood tests and the actual occurrence of me being pregnant.
• Calcium: 500mg twice per day, because heparin can cause bone loss. (after I begin heparin)

I'd like to thank all of you for your incredibly thougthful comments, success stories, and information. I'm so grateful for all of you, and especially those who are active participants with the LFCA.

Disturbing The Peace

Oh gawd, she's back. The whiny, and seemingly indecisive side of me that Infertility has capitalized on. And I'd love nothing more than to punch her square in the jaw.

I'm okay. But I think it's fair to say that last week was rough. I know that the three crappy diagnoses I've gotten in the last two weeks are not the end of the world. The hardest part for me was really that we've gone so long thinking that MFI was the only hurdle we had to jump. So hearing now that there are three significantly crappy issues on my side that could hold us back was pretty much the infertile equivalent of walking in on your parents. You turn away, alarmed, disillusioned, and in overall shock.

One more thing that sucks is that treatments could end up costing close to another 5k - worst case scenario. Which is pretty much infertility's way of pissing on the ashes that once was my retirement plan.

Now I need to clear a few things up. I'm sticking with Dr.3. I like Dr.3 (I'd say love, but we're still basically courting since I've only seen him in person once - and well, he hasn't gotten me pregnant yet - Hmm if you didn't know I was talking about IVF that statement could be misleading). AnyWAY, I believe in Dr.3. But I think it's my responsibility as a patient to question different and inconclusively proven treatments. While I'm not 100% sold on the immunological theories, my gut is telling me to go with it. Or maybe it's my uterus, since it's got a better view as to why SIX iui's failed...

Man, after taking two thirds of this year off, and away from treatments I've forgotten how truly overwhelming and consuming it is. It's like this whole other component in my marriage - it's like a second fucking job, even. Gah, I'm sort of tired of it already.

Cheese and Crackers, folks - NINE posts in one month. Are you guys sick of me yet, or what?

Well, If They Don't Know...

I'd like to thank you all for your incredibly thoughtful and supportive comments on my last post particularly. I'm still digesting the information but I can see clearly enough now to know four things.

1. The ALI community is AH.MAZ.ING.

2. I'm grateful that these issues have been diagnosed now, and not after an IVF failure or miscarriage.

3. A big part of me feels like we had to go through the failures at our other clinic to get us to where we are now.

4. I'm perplexed. I really, really don't understand how certain controversial medical, and scientific theories are not actively proven either way. I understand the contentions behind the Big Bang theory, but in my uneducated opinion: that shit happened a long ass time ago, and there ain't much any of us can do about it until Doc Browns visions come to fruition in real life. But how is it that with all the technological advancements we have at our finger tips and with the issues in front of us now, that there is still room to argue about things like global warming, possible causes for autism, and immunology's impact on reproduction? I realize that it simply takes time to run proper experiments and compile evidence, and that it's not remotely as cut and dry as I'm thinking it should be. I know I probably sounds like a moron, but I guess my point is that I'm frustrated that there aren't any irrefutable answers. Yet.

Friday I had been emailing with a good friend and fellow blogger, Sarang about how frustrating it is that some doctors practice the immunological studies and some don't. (As was also pointed out by a comment in my last post, thanks LC). There are two MAJOR Universities near me that don't test for immunological disorders. During the second opinion we got at one of the universities, the distinguished RE we saw diplomatically told me that it was 'nonsense' when I brought it up. But just a few hours before that, the OBGYN who works closely with the RE I'm seeing now, told me that his miscarriage rate had dropped by almost 20% since he started following the preventative care methods based on the immunological disorders. i.e. the IVig, and intralipid infusions, and blood thinners for MTHFR - clotting issues, etc. Still, I can't overlook the fact that there are the big guns like CCRM who don't practice this...

What does that say? Is my RE a trailblazing pioneer or a bohemian maverick?

The One Where the Universe is on a Roll

I got the call regarding the last bit of my immunology testing.

It's not good.

My TH1 and TH2 and Natural Killer Cell levels are elevated.

I know this isn't the end of the world, but sure feels pretty close to it at the moment.

And I know it can be treated, but right now, I really don't know if I want to.

Fucking. Fantastic.

How to be Misleading in an ICLW Description

You can start by abruptly ending your break (of 10 months) after attending a seminar given by the man who will become your new RE. After a phone consult reveals CD3 will be in just four days, you dive ankles first back into the stirrups. (for those of you keeping track that was six days after the seminar - four days after the phone consult) Two phlebotomists, twenty-four vials of blood and a baseline ultrasound later, you find yourself itching for test results whilst simultaneously remembering what it's like to be here yet again and suddenly becoming terrified that the test results could come back with BAD news... And they did... Not only was I diagnosed with OPCOS, at first over the phone then confirmed during my baseline u/s (which my first RE never caught), but my blood tests later showed that I tested positive for two A1298C mutations, indicating MTHFR. Which my first RE never tested for because he doesn't BELIEVE in Immunological Disorders.

Hi.

Still with me?

Good.

Here's some history!

My husband (35) and I (31) started TTC in the summer of 2007. I genuinely believed that we would get pregnant on the first try. Ha. Fourteen months later, we moved on to testing through my OBGYN's office which revealed a severe male factor. She promptly pointed us towards the RE who I now hate told us IVF w/ICSI or Donor Sperm would be our only hope. After MUCH deliberation we chose Donor over IVF, partially because it was the most financially attainable option and because we were concerned about the implications of the severity of his diagnosis might mean for our future children.

Fast Forward to December 2009 when we completed our SIXTH and final DIUI. All of them left us with straight up BFN's and a fair amount of debt. Our RE at the time and the second opinion we got a month later were dumbfounded and couldn't explain why none of the IUI's worked because my charts looked so great. Umm yeah, neither of those doctors caught the OPCOS which is clearly evident in an u/s and with knowledge of the fact that my cycle is 30 days. And interestingly enough, neither of them test for immunological factors... But at least I have an answer now as to why none of the dIUI's worked.. Not that it's any consolation.

That brings us to January of this year, I'm not going to lie- I was a complete basket case. We decided to take the rest of the year off to focus on our marriage and restoring my mental health. By March we had decided to plan for IVF in 2011 - with my husbands sperm.

Even though we had been planning for several months to attend the seminar on September 30th and follow up with a phone consult shortly thereafter. I really had no idea how quickly this would catapult us back in to the TTC/ART world. When I signed up for this month's ICLW, I thought it would be a nice way to tip toe back into the supportive waters that is the ALI community. And while I'm 1,000 percent ready to move forward, it's hard not to think about how comfortable and effortless things were just three weeks ago...

Thanks for stopping by, I look forward to reading about all of you.

What Has Two Thumbs

And tested positive for two A1298C mutations, indicating MTHFR?

Alright, we all know how that one ends...

So, craaaaaap. I guess with my OPCOS diagnosis and now this I can officially say we are a train wreck Male and Female factor IF. I know this isn't the worst possible senario, but having gone two and a half years and six dIUI's believing that we only had the male factor issue, well, it sort of makes me want to crack some skulls.

MTHFR is not something that my old RE would have ever tested for. Because it falls under immunological disorders. And my old clinic didn't believe in immunological factors... Some RE's do, some don't. And it's not being partial to CSI: Las Vegas over Miami, it's like different religions.

I thought science was a little more... black and white.

How does one not believe in a gene mutation?

I don't understand.

And more than that, I don't quite understand what this means for me.

And my likelihood of a successful pregnancy.

I'm scared.

I probably sound like a complete moron, and believe me, I know enough to know that I can't even begin to comprehend the complexities behind this issue. I just wish that I didn't feel so caught in the middle...

An MTHFR success story might be nice to hear right about now.

I've started reading up on it, but I don't really know what to consider a legitimate source. Any recommendations?