December ICLW

Oh ICLW, you sneaky monkey - how could it possibly be the 21st ALREADY?! Sorry I was a bit un prepared, I'm days away from CD1 of our first IVF cycle and entirely absorbed/terrified/excited about it. This fall we started with a new RE, dubbed Dr.3, whom diagnosed me Ovulatory PCOS (different than Classic PCOS), Elevated TH1 & TH2, and Natural Killer Cells, and MTHFR (2 mutations of A1298C). I've been on Metformin, Folgard, Low Dose Aspirin, and prescription Prenatals since October. BCP's should be coming up right quick!

So here's a little (actually alotta) history:

My husband (35) and I (31) started TTC in the summer of 2007. I genuinely believed that we would get pregnant on the first try. Ha. Fourteen months later, we moved on to testing through my OBGYN's office which revealed a severe male factor. She promptly pointed us towards the RE who I now hate told us IVF w/ ICSI or Donor Sperm would be our only options. After MUCH deliberation we chose Donor over IVF, partially because it was the most financially attainable option (our insurance covers NOTHING for infertility, not even diagnostic testing) and because we were concerned about the implications of the severity of his diagnosis might mean for our future children.

Fast Forward to December 2009 when we completed our SIXTH and final DIUI. All of them left us with straight up BFN's and a fair amount of debt. Our RE at the time and the second opinion we got a month later were dumbfounded and couldn't explain why none of the IUI's worked because my charts looked so great. Umm yeah, neither of those doctors caught the OPCOS which is clearly evident in an u/s and with knowledge of the fact that my cycle is 30 days. And interestingly enough, neither of them test for immunological factors... But at least I have an answer now as to why none of the dIUI's worked.. Not that it's any consolation.

That brings us to January of this year, I'm not going to lie- I was a complete basket case. We decided to take the rest of the year off to focus on our marriage and restoring my mental health. By March we had decided to plan for IVF in 2011 - with my husbands sperm. In the mean time, we've been doing our best to appear somewhat normal to the rest of our friends and family.

So there you have it. I look forward to reading all of your blogs, and hope you enjoy the last ICLW of 2010!

Tree Hugger

Brian sent me an email Tuesday morning with the Subject reading:

Looks like u two have some things to do tonight.

Teresa my boss/bff was aware of my indecision about getting a tree this year, and last year- but still did her best trying to coerce me into getting a tree; to no avail. I down right refused. So when I got this email from Brian the first thing I did was forward it on to my friend, and a chain of emails quickly ensued.

From: Melissa G
Sent: Tuesday, December 14, 2010 11:25 AM
To: Teresa
Subject: FW: Looks like u two have have things to do tonight


Check it out. =)

(picture attached)
_______________________________________

From: Teresa
Sent: Tuesday, December 14, 2010 11:31 AM
To: Melissa G
Subject: RE: Looks like u two have things to do tonight


:) That's so sweet. I want to hug him.
____________________________________________

From: Melissa G
Sent: Tuesday, December 14, 2010 11:33 AM
To: Teresa
Subject: RE: Looks like u two have things to do tonight


I know, he totally made me cry.
___________________________________________

From: Teresa
Sent: Tuesday, December 14, 2010 11:33 AM
To: Melissa G
Subject: RE: Looks like u two have things to do tonight


Me too. If you want a friend to decorate with you, let me know. :)
______________________________________________

From: Melissa G
Sent: Tuesday, December 14, 2010 11:39 AM
To: Teresa
Subject: RE: Looks like u two have things to do tonight

Awwwwwwwww. Thanks, but I think I'm going do it naked as a "thank you".

__________________________________________________

Are you happy now???

Good, me too.

The One Where I'm All Over the Place

I spent the last two days in bed. Watching the heinous excuse for entertainment that is daytime television. Not to mention two movies that equal four hours and fifty-two minutes of my life that I'll never get back (Valentine's Day and Sex and the City 2). AWFUL movies, in case you were wondering...

The two days in bed were brought to me by a hellacious cold, courtesy of a co-worker. I can't completely fault her though, I seem to get sick whenever anyone around me has something. (Elevated Natural Killer Cells, MY. ASS.) Please don't correct me if I'm way off base on the NKC thing - it was a joke and I'm still entirely too foggy to reply with much more than a hand gesture, which you'll obviously never see.. So let's save each other both some effort, yes?

So at the very least I was able to cross a few things off my list. I got the 'Clean bill of health" (ironically) from my GP, along with a copy of my last Pap Smear results. And sent them over to my Nurse Coordinator at Dr.3's office. Whom by the way, is not exactly the sharpest tool in the shed, I'm sorry to say. But more on her later.

Speaking of Christmas tree's, we still haven't decided whether or not we're going to get one this year. (Nice segue, huh? Well that's how my cloudy little brain works while stifled by an illness- get used to it.) We've put lights up on the house and a few decorations on this inside but I still haven't come to a conclusion about a tree... We've always been hardcore Christmas fans, and if someone told me that one year we'd decide not to get one, I'd have driven off the closest bridge embankment without a second thought. But about this time last year I had begun my descent in to the sixth circle of infertile hell, and could not for the life of me find a single reason to celebrate. This year I'm no where near that state of mind, I'm listening to Christmas music regularly (not crying on the way home from work every night allows time for radio play) But I still don't feel 100% there. Brian says it's up to me, that if I want a tree he'll be on board, but I just don't know. Part of me thinks that it's a good idea just to get one, in the same way that it's important to listen to upbeat music when you're down instead of indulging the sadness by listening to the melancholy stuff. Which I'll totally admit was not my Standard Operating Procedure in the past - I have to thank cgd for finally getting me to stop that)

Will I regret getting a tree? Probably not. I guess the side of me that's holding out is the side that feels like it wants to put certain things on hold until there is a baby G (or two) to celebrate with... All the while I know it's not okay to put your entire life on hold and allow the infertility to swallow up yet another aspect of our lives. Still I'd be kidding myself if I said that we hadn't been 95% devoured by infertility anyway, because just like raising children becomes a main focus in your life: not having them, as well as the journey to get them, requires the same amount of attention. Would you agree?

Procrastination Nation

Between the lines of inclination and procrastination exists a dimension of balance and symmetry. I know nothing of this realm, simply because I can only function on one side of the spectrum or the other. I excel to the nth degree of practice in each field. Thin or flush, all or nothing.

For I am my own driving force, and adversely, my own filibuster.

Where am I going with this you ask? Well, right after the seminar I was all gung-ho to get this IVF partay started, but the crappy test results and impending financial burdens really knocked me down, and I immediately started to run the other direction. Cause I'm mature like that. Running away is always the answer - something I am totally going to teach my kids. When I have them - oh wait...

So you know those tests I have to go back for? The ones I complained about like two weeks ago? Well I sort of knew about them two weeks before that. And I've sort of been avoiding them. I know, my ninja like dawdling skills are mind-boggling, yes? Fortunately the grown up in me started to remember how crappy it is to have to scramble to get my shit in order, following a procrastination bender such as this. And also how much I'd like to avoid being committed to a county facility, cause Ima' 'bout to loose my shit if I don't get on the road to parenthood right quick. Plus I would be incredibly disappointed if my cycle got pushed back just cause I was being a douchebag.

So here's my list of shit to do:

• Get Brian's blood work requests over to his GP so that he can order them under something other than infertility in the hopes that the miserable bastards at our insurance company will cover them.
• Get my bill of clean health from my GP, and letter stating that my last Pap was clear.
• Get the Tuberculosis test.
• Get the other blood tests for the gene mutations I can't pronounce let alone spell.
• Call to process my application for free IVF meds.

While we're on the subject, an update on the miserable bastards at the insurance company front. The initial statement I received for the denial of claims on my blood panel was evidently only a portion of the blood tests. The immunology stuff was sent to a lab in Chicago and submitted at a later date. So I received a separate letter from the miserable bastards stating THE ALLOWED CLAIMS. Out of the $1,400+ dollars worth of testing for the immunology, I am responsible for $89.00. HOLEE-CRAP-THEY-BOUGHT-IT. Annnnnnnnnd, I called about the other work (the $3,800 in denied claims), it turns out it was sent to the wrong branch and has since been resubmitted and is currently in review for coverage- YARHOO. I know that isn't a guarantee that everything will be covered, but it's a step in the fucking right direction.

So do I feel bad now about calling them miserable bastards?
No. Fuck, no. Not one bit, because they deny shit that should be covered for people in much worse situations than me on a regular basis and for that I hope their descent to hell is a slow and painful one.

Just to clarify.

So who's ready for the weekend?!

Trying to Hold On

Dr 3's office called me this weekend. I missed it, but my nurse coordinator called to say they'd like to have me do a few more blood tests.

More? REALLY?

Twenty-fucking-four vials didn't give them enough information already???

During my Genetic Counseling session, which Dr.3 requires before he will treat you, I mentioned that like 30 billion years ago there was some Jewish heritage in my family, (doesn't everyone, sort of?) so he wants to check me for some ridiculous gene mutations that I have never heard of (not tay sachs- already tested clear for that) They also want a blood test to see if I've ever had any kind of exposure to Tuberculosis.

Part of the reasons I'm annoyed with this is because my insurance declined to cover any of the blood work we've done so far. $3,800 dollars worth. My NP at the Obgyn's office who was trying to assist us in the insurance deception department, told me that I should call and ask that it be resubmitted. She also said she would provide a letter to them, if it'd help. All of which I plan on doing, despite my intense want to pretend none of this is even happening.

The other reason? I'm angry. And exhausted. From all of this. Sometimes I wish I didn't want a child so badly. Because my life outside of infertility is pretty great. And the parts that aren't, well, are more than enough for me to handle. I don't really need any more difficulties. REALLY UNIVERSE, YOU CAN BACK OFF NOW. MAILBOX FULL. OKAY?!

I had a dream last night, that a foster adoption we had applied for came through. (our next plan if IVF doesn't work). They placed a baby in my arms, and I instantly fell head over heels. Then I had to leave the a baby at home with Brian while I rushed out to by a car seat and clothes because we weren't at all prepared. But it was exciting. And wonderful. And I just want so very badly to be at that point all ready. I don't know how much longer I can do all this - I wish I could let it all go. The longing, the emptiness. I'm drowning in it.

I'll start BCP's in about a four weeks. And I'm excited, really. I'm honestly thrilled that we're finally going to have our first real shot at actually being pregnant - in a very long time. But I mostly just want to get it over with. To be done with this part of my life. To move on.

I'm sorry this post sounds like I'm down, which I guess in relation to IF, I am. But otherwise I'm pretty happy. Looking forward to Thanksgiving and the new Sweet Potato recipe I'm going to try out. And on that day, I'll give thanks to all of you - for every single ounce of support you've offered me. And pray with eveything I have that each of our journey's comes to a swift and blissful conclusion.

November ICLW!

Each time I participate in ICLW I try to come up with some new-fangled concept for and intro. And today is no different! With that, I give you: Contributing factors in an Infertility Bloggers Life; via Bullet Point. Autobiographical.

1. An outlet of some sort became necessary approximately six months after we officially started trying, and my lovely husband couldn't understand why I cried alone in the bathroom every 31 days.
2. At that point I was still fairly certain that I'd see a positive pee stick in the very near future and shortly thereafter commence writing a wildly self-indulgent, and more than likely whiny pregnant-lady-type-blog.
3. Lingering only slightly in denial, we didn't have any testing done until after 14 months of trying.
4. A week before Christmas, 2008 we found out we had Severe Male Factor, and were instructed to go directly to a Reproductive Endocrinologist.
5. Before even seeing an RE, we promptly decided not to have children at all.
6. That resolution only lasted about two weeks.
7. Fast forward to now, and we are gearing up for our very first IVF cycle in January/February, though I'll likely be starting BCP's towards the end of December.
8. In an effort to circumvent my crying over MUCH spilled milk, you can read about my sordid past here. It gets down to the nitty gritty of exactly what happened from the time we were diagnosed, to the beginning of what would be a break in TTC, and ART for pretty much all of 2010.
9. The new RE we're seeing (referred to here as Dr.3) ran an obscenely comprehensive blood panel on me and it came back positive for MTHFR (two mutations of the A1298C gene, with a borderline homosteine level), Elevated TH1, TH2 and Natural Killer Cells. Awesomeness. Oh, and also Ovulatory PCOS - different than Classic PCOS - cause ya know - I'm an over achiever... Okay, not really.
10. None of the aforementioned diagnoses were ever found by my previous RE(s) because they don't believe in Immunological Disorders. Or paying close attention to Antra Follicle counts evidently, because the OPCOS is as clear as day on a baseline u/s, and should have been determined easily based on the knowledge of my 30+ day cycle.
11. I'm over the misdiagnosis - CLEARLY.
12. I know you have 742 other blogs to read and comment on, so I'll keep it brief and end it here; welcome you to my blog and thank you in advance for your comment, then tell you I look forward to reading all of your blogs as well. Oh, and if you're going to be cycling with IVF close to when I am, be sure to say so in your comment - I'd love to stalk you and compare Lupron induced rants notes!

Losing My Way

Blehhhhhhhh.

I got the writers block, yo.

I think part of it is because I've been a little overwhelmed with having gone zero to sixty in such a short period of time. Which lead to me spending recent days reflecting on the last year or so of my life. And cripes has it been a doozy. Especially when I think about where I was this time last year. (Cuckoo cuckoo cahchoo, man.)

Seriously, my chest feels heavy just thinking about it.

So I'm sorry for not posting much here, or being super great about commenting. I guess reading some blogs here, no matter what stage you're in - has been overwhelming in a different way - and that way, is part of what Brian calls "you'll never win, so don't even try". Those of you in the early stages reminds me of when I was there and the fact that I'm not any further along. Those of you who are parents already - for obvious reasons. Those of you cycling; well this one is tricky because I'm jealous and I want to be at the end of a cycle already, and at the same time aloof, because damn, I'm beginning to worry that I'm not strong enough to do this. And I kind of wish it was September again - before baseline ultrasounds, crappy test results, and specifics on financials for IVF came in.

Gah.

I'm not even there yet and I'm feeling a bit disheartened. Le sigh.

Crap that Sucks, Part I

Methylenetetrahydrofolate, also known as MTHFR, and affectionately referred to as MoTHerFuckeR.

Methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase is an enzyme that is involved with amino acid metabolism in the body.

A mutation in the gene that produces the enzyme can affect how a person’s body processes homocysteine, which is an amino acid found in blood. (There are several different types of mutations, but this is a blog post not a medical transcript so I’m not going to get into the variances between the different types. But my NP did say that if you have to have a mutation, mine is the one you want to have {two mutations of the A1298C, Homosteine level is 10.5; normal is below 10.4})

An elevated level of homocysteine increases the risk of blood clots, and typically decreases the body’s ability to metabolize Folic Acid and other B vitamins.

Common risks associated with blood clots are Cardio Vascular Disease, Coronary Heart Disease, and Stoke. In pregnancy: Recurrent fetal losses that can occur in any of the three trimesters, Placenta Abruption (when the placenta detaches from the uterine wall before delivery) Small Gestational Age (where the baby is smaller due to clots in the placenta which results in a lower supply of blood delivered to the baby) Preeclampsia (High Blood pressure, proteins in the urine)

It should also be noted that the decreased ability to metabolize Folic Acid and other B vitamins leaves your baby susceptible to Neural Tubal Defects (Spina Bifida, and a whole mess of other scary birth defects), Preeclampsia and Blood Clots.

So part of the reason that not all doctors test for this is because the link between the MTHFR and recurrent Miscarriage has not been conclusively proven, therefore has never been formally introduced as a risk factor that should be routinely tested for.

I wrote this post because doing the research was therapeutic for me. And unlike my ability to properly absorb Folic acid, having to decipher the data and regurgitate it forces me to really absorb the information, and now I might not kill myself. KIDDING. This shit instantly mattered a whole lot less when I got the NK Assay results back. I still have a lot more reading to do there.

Please, please, please, please, please do not hesitate to contact me if you see the slightest bit of misinformation in my statements above. You can also email me for my references.

Annnnd the last of it; Dr. 3’s preferred method of treatment:

• 2.2 mg of Folgard daily, which is a high dosage of Folic Acid, B6 and B12 (starting now, and pretty much for the rest of my life)
• A prescription strength prenatal vitamin (starting now)
• Low dose/ Baby Aspirin (81mg) (starting now)
• Heparin: Likely started just after my transfer, I will need to give myself two shots per day until I’m at least twelve weeks along, possibly longer - pending future blood tests and the actual occurrence of me being pregnant.
• Calcium: 500mg twice per day, because heparin can cause bone loss. (after I begin heparin)

I'd like to thank all of you for your incredibly thougthful comments, success stories, and information. I'm so grateful for all of you, and especially those who are active participants with the LFCA.

Disturbing The Peace

Oh gawd, she's back. The whiny, and seemingly indecisive side of me that Infertility has capitalized on. And I'd love nothing more than to punch her square in the jaw.

I'm okay. But I think it's fair to say that last week was rough. I know that the three crappy diagnoses I've gotten in the last two weeks are not the end of the world. The hardest part for me was really that we've gone so long thinking that MFI was the only hurdle we had to jump. So hearing now that there are three significantly crappy issues on my side that could hold us back was pretty much the infertile equivalent of walking in on your parents. You turn away, alarmed, disillusioned, and in overall shock.

One more thing that sucks is that treatments could end up costing close to another 5k - worst case scenario. Which is pretty much infertility's way of pissing on the ashes that once was my retirement plan.

Now I need to clear a few things up. I'm sticking with Dr.3. I like Dr.3 (I'd say love, but we're still basically courting since I've only seen him in person once - and well, he hasn't gotten me pregnant yet - Hmm if you didn't know I was talking about IVF that statement could be misleading). AnyWAY, I believe in Dr.3. But I think it's my responsibility as a patient to question different and inconclusively proven treatments. While I'm not 100% sold on the immunological theories, my gut is telling me to go with it. Or maybe it's my uterus, since it's got a better view as to why SIX iui's failed...

Man, after taking two thirds of this year off, and away from treatments I've forgotten how truly overwhelming and consuming it is. It's like this whole other component in my marriage - it's like a second fucking job, even. Gah, I'm sort of tired of it already.

Cheese and Crackers, folks - NINE posts in one month. Are you guys sick of me yet, or what?

Well, If They Don't Know...

I'd like to thank you all for your incredibly thoughtful and supportive comments on my last post particularly. I'm still digesting the information but I can see clearly enough now to know four things.

1. The ALI community is AH.MAZ.ING.

2. I'm grateful that these issues have been diagnosed now, and not after an IVF failure or miscarriage.

3. A big part of me feels like we had to go through the failures at our other clinic to get us to where we are now.

4. I'm perplexed. I really, really don't understand how certain controversial medical, and scientific theories are not actively proven either way. I understand the contentions behind the Big Bang theory, but in my uneducated opinion: that shit happened a long ass time ago, and there ain't much any of us can do about it until Doc Browns visions come to fruition in real life. But how is it that with all the technological advancements we have at our finger tips and with the issues in front of us now, that there is still room to argue about things like global warming, possible causes for autism, and immunology's impact on reproduction? I realize that it simply takes time to run proper experiments and compile evidence, and that it's not remotely as cut and dry as I'm thinking it should be. I know I probably sounds like a moron, but I guess my point is that I'm frustrated that there aren't any irrefutable answers. Yet.

Friday I had been emailing with a good friend and fellow blogger, Sarang about how frustrating it is that some doctors practice the immunological studies and some don't. (As was also pointed out by a comment in my last post, thanks LC). There are two MAJOR Universities near me that don't test for immunological disorders. During the second opinion we got at one of the universities, the distinguished RE we saw diplomatically told me that it was 'nonsense' when I brought it up. But just a few hours before that, the OBGYN who works closely with the RE I'm seeing now, told me that his miscarriage rate had dropped by almost 20% since he started following the preventative care methods based on the immunological disorders. i.e. the IVig, and intralipid infusions, and blood thinners for MTHFR - clotting issues, etc. Still, I can't overlook the fact that there are the big guns like CCRM who don't practice this...

What does that say? Is my RE a trailblazing pioneer or a bohemian maverick?

The One Where the Universe is on a Roll

I got the call regarding the last bit of my immunology testing.

It's not good.

My TH1 and TH2 and Natural Killer Cell levels are elevated.

I know this isn't the end of the world, but sure feels pretty close to it at the moment.

And I know it can be treated, but right now, I really don't know if I want to.

Fucking. Fantastic.

How to be Misleading in an ICLW Description

You can start by abruptly ending your break (of 10 months) after attending a seminar given by the man who will become your new RE. After a phone consult reveals CD3 will be in just four days, you dive ankles first back into the stirrups. (for those of you keeping track that was six days after the seminar - four days after the phone consult) Two phlebotomists, twenty-four vials of blood and a baseline ultrasound later, you find yourself itching for test results whilst simultaneously remembering what it's like to be here yet again and suddenly becoming terrified that the test results could come back with BAD news... And they did... Not only was I diagnosed with OPCOS, at first over the phone then confirmed during my baseline u/s (which my first RE never caught), but my blood tests later showed that I tested positive for two A1298C mutations, indicating MTHFR. Which my first RE never tested for because he doesn't BELIEVE in Immunological Disorders.

Hi.

Still with me?

Good.

Here's some history!

My husband (35) and I (31) started TTC in the summer of 2007. I genuinely believed that we would get pregnant on the first try. Ha. Fourteen months later, we moved on to testing through my OBGYN's office which revealed a severe male factor. She promptly pointed us towards the RE who I now hate told us IVF w/ICSI or Donor Sperm would be our only hope. After MUCH deliberation we chose Donor over IVF, partially because it was the most financially attainable option and because we were concerned about the implications of the severity of his diagnosis might mean for our future children.

Fast Forward to December 2009 when we completed our SIXTH and final DIUI. All of them left us with straight up BFN's and a fair amount of debt. Our RE at the time and the second opinion we got a month later were dumbfounded and couldn't explain why none of the IUI's worked because my charts looked so great. Umm yeah, neither of those doctors caught the OPCOS which is clearly evident in an u/s and with knowledge of the fact that my cycle is 30 days. And interestingly enough, neither of them test for immunological factors... But at least I have an answer now as to why none of the dIUI's worked.. Not that it's any consolation.

That brings us to January of this year, I'm not going to lie- I was a complete basket case. We decided to take the rest of the year off to focus on our marriage and restoring my mental health. By March we had decided to plan for IVF in 2011 - with my husbands sperm.

Even though we had been planning for several months to attend the seminar on September 30th and follow up with a phone consult shortly thereafter. I really had no idea how quickly this would catapult us back in to the TTC/ART world. When I signed up for this month's ICLW, I thought it would be a nice way to tip toe back into the supportive waters that is the ALI community. And while I'm 1,000 percent ready to move forward, it's hard not to think about how comfortable and effortless things were just three weeks ago...

Thanks for stopping by, I look forward to reading about all of you.

What Has Two Thumbs

And tested positive for two A1298C mutations, indicating MTHFR?

Alright, we all know how that one ends...

So, craaaaaap. I guess with my OPCOS diagnosis and now this I can officially say we are a train wreck Male and Female factor IF. I know this isn't the worst possible senario, but having gone two and a half years and six dIUI's believing that we only had the male factor issue, well, it sort of makes me want to crack some skulls.

MTHFR is not something that my old RE would have ever tested for. Because it falls under immunological disorders. And my old clinic didn't believe in immunological factors... Some RE's do, some don't. And it's not being partial to CSI: Las Vegas over Miami, it's like different religions.

I thought science was a little more... black and white.

How does one not believe in a gene mutation?

I don't understand.

And more than that, I don't quite understand what this means for me.

And my likelihood of a successful pregnancy.

I'm scared.

I probably sound like a complete moron, and believe me, I know enough to know that I can't even begin to comprehend the complexities behind this issue. I just wish that I didn't feel so caught in the middle...

An MTHFR success story might be nice to hear right about now.

I've started reading up on it, but I don't really know what to consider a legitimate source. Any recommendations?

I'll Take "Financial Ruin" for $16,000, Please.

I had a conference call with our clinic's financial coordinator yesterday. Oy Vey, does this part suck.

This when the "oh yeah, this costs an assload of money" light bulb turned on. Not that I ever really forgot about it, but I'm wrapped up and snuggly in the idea that I might be pregnant in a few months so the rule of "Eyes on the prize" has jurisdiction over my brain. And my heart for that matter.

I don't talk about the financial side of this nightmare all that much here, mostly because I have a select few IRL friends and family that read this and I don't want them to feel bad, or like they should be doing anything other than supporting us emotionally - which if they have access to this blog they've clearly done an exceptional job at. I'm also a big believer in not discussing politics, religion, and specifics on finances (all to a certain degree). Really those topics just make things incredibly crunchy for me.

But in the true spirit of record keeping, and doing my best not to sensor myself , I find that I am overwhelmed with the urge to write about this. Mostly because I'm really struggling with it emotionally. We're going to be financing at least half of our IVF costs, and I constantly have to keep validating our decision to move forward to myself because technically, we do not have the money to do this.

If you've been reading my blog long enough you know that part of the reason we went the donor route before is because it was a lot more feasible financially. Which probably sounds callous but, after a few months of therapy I realized that our financial security is incredibly important to my sense of security in general, which translates to my overall well being. Not to mention how much of a burden finances can be on a marriage. And well, Infertility alone has already gone platinum on our asses so we won't be needing anymore of that, will we... We live very modestly. We haven't taken a real vacation since 2005. i.e. more than a long weekend that didn't involve a tent or the redeeming of hotel/airfare points, or bunking up with someone. Though our house was a big purchase it was a financially sound move.

Is it ridiculous that I'm still struggling with this so much, that I still feel the need to justify it even to a group of folks like you who totally get it?

I have to keep telling myself that this is a reasonable thing to go into (more) debt for.

That not spending beyond our means shouldn't apply to our dream of having a family.

That we can always make more money, but our window for having biological children is literally getting smaller every month.

So here's the actual genesis for this post: We will qualify for a 10% discount, but it can only be applied to a bare-bones IVF cycle that won't include medications (of course), extra monitoring ultrasounds during stims if needed; Cryo Preservation for the first year; or subsequent FET's (if the fresh cycle fails). So if the fresh cycle doesn't work it could end up costing us at least $3,500 more, not including meds.

Orrrrrrrrrr

We could pay $6k+ more for for the Two cycle program in which we would get first a fresh IVF cycle with unlimited monitoring, then FET's until we run out of embryo's. If all of that fails to get me to twelve weeks then we would be given another fresh cycle, and again as many FET's until we run out of embryo's, And it covers the first year of Cryo preservation storage.

So we can spend less (which we have the liquid cash for) on a BIG gamble, or sell a kidney to come up with the money to take less of a risk of us walking away without a baby...

Both options sort of suck. But either way, Top Ramen is starting to sound better and better.

Taking The Long Way

Hey kids, sorry for all the drama on my last post. I sort of forgot what it was like to have no control over my life whatsoever. Ahhh infertility, you haphazard bastard- I kind of missed you.

Okay, not really...

So my appointment wasn't all bad. Except for the part after I'd gotten home and realized that I had shaved one leg twice, and the other not at all. That must have given Dr.3 a great impression. ("She'll probably Follistim her eye out", I'm picturing him telling the nurse) And I know I did one leg twice, because I switched razor blades on the second round... In case the first explanation didn't quantify my incompetence enough for you.

I digress.

The ultrasound. Right. So I made Brian go with me. To a baseline ultrasound. At first I wasn't going to ask him to come, but then I realized that this was the first appointment meeting our new RE (whom I've named Dr.3) and I really wanted him there. And truthfully having him with me gives me a sense of calm. It's like having someone to sit with on the first day of school, ya know? Anyway, the ultrasound was pretty standard, he pointed out my uterus and the lining, my femoral (right?) artery pulsing, then went on to each ovary and the follicle counts. It was at this point that he casually mentioned the OPCOS, in the same demeanor I'd imagine he'd have if he was telling me I had green eyes. I realize that this is common place for him, and essentially good news, but all I could think about is how TWO other RE's who'd seen my charts and gave me ultrasounds had never seen this, but Dr.3 nailed it over the phone. Meanwhile the vein in my forehead began pulsing and I could barely construct a sentence. He finished up, and told me about the Metformin, while I nodded likely with my mouth open, and he sent us on our way.



I will say that I have not thus far, noticed any side effects from the Metformin. I've heard from two IRL friends that it can be pretty nasty so I was a bit apprehensive about starting it, but I'm grateful to say it's been fine. Except that I can't really drink alcohol with it. Not that I was a big drinker before, but Dr. Google says the use of alcohol with this medication can disrupt the normal functions of my kidney and liver... Not quite the same as putting up with the runs.


Having now had a few days to cool down, I am a little more grateful for the diagnosis and the fact that it's potentially a good thing. Dr. 3 wants to put me on a Long Lupron Protocol, though I'm very familiar with most aspects of IVF, the medication protocol is my weak spot. Have any of you done the Long Lupron protocol? So far I've read it's typically very successful for first timers but of course I've come across a few horror stories about over suppression. What say you veterans?

Something That Could Have Been Brought To My Attention YESTERDAY

Or two fucking years ago, before we spent six months and thousands of dollars on DIUI's that were NEVER GOING TO FUCKING WORK.

I have Ovulatory Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. Different than "Classic" PCOS.

(Thank you Meg, for the link.)

Yeah, I've never heard of it either.

Maybe I would have, had I been diagnosed TWO FUCKING YEARS AGO. Because then I would have known that one of the symptoms of OPCOS is an elevated blood sugar level which can hinder implantation - KIND OF A BIG FUCKING FACTOR don'tcha think?!?!

So yesterday I had my CD3 Antra Follicle count. Our new RE (I need to come up with a name for him) wanted to see my ovaries in an "unchallenged state", meaning before there was a dominant follicle present. He quickly counted eight resting follicles on my left, and 12 on my right. FYI, the average for most women is about 10-12 total between the two ovaries. I have 20.

He mentioned something about this on the phone consult Saturday, but honestly I didn't have any idea what he was talking about, because I knew I didn't have any of the "Classic" Polycystic symptoms. But evidently he saw it coming because I have a 30 day cycle, which is a indicative of women with OPCOS. The only good thing about this is that it means I am likely to yield a higher reserve of follicles on a low dose of stims.

He wants me to start on Metformin asap. He says it will essentially make me "more fertile". And thanks to the link Meg sent me, I now know that is because the Metformin will regulate my insulin levels therefore bypass any implantation problems. He also said he will keep me on it until I am 12 weeks along, because it can also decrease the risk of miscarriage for someone like me.

I know I should be happy about the fact that it's finally been diagnosed, and our RE just kept reassuring me that it's actually a good thing because it means I'll be a better than average responder. But just having found out - I'm pretty hung up on the fact that this wasn't caught sooner. It kills me to think about how much time and money was wasted, but most importantly how the failed cycles caused such an epic amount of unnecessary heartache. Really the time and money was one thing, but the depression that followed not only comprimised my marriage but has forever changed who I am as a person.

Oh and now I have to sit with what else could come back from the rest of my blood tests. And all TWENTY-FOUR vials that they took!!!! It was twenty three, but the lab called later yesterday afternoon to tell me they had forgotten one. GAH. And fuck, what if the insurance deception doesn't work?!?!

Commence Meltdown.
(Number One)

Been There, Hoped That

Even though ninety-nine percent of me is brimming with excitement over our upcoming cycle and testing, there is still an echo of the fact that we've been here before. And more than that, I can't help but think of how many of you out there are still struggling after having switched clinics in hopes that the next ART cycle would be your last (meaning you got, and stayed pregnant) but then, to no avail...

But I can't keep thinking like that. Every situation is different. And it'll be in my best interest to stick with the positive thoughts instead of the "fuck,what if..." thoughts. No need to unearth the crazy just yet.

So the phone consult went great. Really, really great. He instantly acknowledged that we'd "been at it for a while". Yes, indeed we have. He said based on my previous test results, he was rather surprised that none of our IUI's worked. And if you're keeping count, he is the THIRD RE to make the same comment. He said after, six dIUI's, there would have been at least a 50% chance that I should have had some sort of positive. So he'd like to run a full immunological blood panel, as well as a refresher on the standard tests. And he was happy with the results of my first HSG so I won't need to do another one - yippiekiyay motherfucker, that shit hurt. He did say that he was slightly concerned that I may have an ovarian issue of the Poly Cystic variety - EVEN IF I'm ovulating regularly. (Boo.)

As for Brian, the doctor was very pleased to hear that he'd been on supplements since June. He'd like to get a current SA done, and would also like to bank 2-3 vials of his sperm for our IVF cycle. He said Brian will of course need to provide a fresh sample the day of my retrieval, but this will give us a fall back in case there are any issues with his sample on the big day. I feel really good about that.

After he finished his side of the questions he opened the floor up to us. My first concern unfortunately, was about money. I told him that we had met with an OBGYN earlier in the year who mentioned working with him. When we met with this guy in January I thought he was a total yahoo (still do), and referred to him here as Dr. Do Little. His only saving grace was his affiliation with our Doctor and that he offered to run a blood panel for me under "Infectious Diseases" as opposed to "Infertility" so that it would get covered by our insurance... This is the same exact panel that our new RE would like to order. Since I knew that might be the case I called last week to see if they would still be open to the insurance deception, and much to my delight they agreed.

I'm pretty grateful that my cycle just happened to coincide with the seminar and phone consult, so tomorrow I will go in for a CD3 blood panel, (FSH, Estrodial, etc.), then have three separate vials drawn for the immunological tests which will be shipped off to Chicago. And last but not least our RE would like to see me for a CD3 Antra follicle count (ultrasound). Not really looking forward to that one, but it will be nice to meet him formally. Can you even call it "formal" if I don't have pants on?

Anyway, one more good thing. He said we qualify for both the Shared Risk Program- where we'd get 90% of our money put back on our credit card refunded if a fresh IVF cycle and subsequent FET's did not result in a pregnancy exceeding twelve weeks; and the Two Cycle Program - in which would would be given a substantial discount upon paying for two cycles upfront. The jury's still out on this one, vacillating blog post to come.

In summation my friends, I'm pretty fricken excited. Moderately terrified underneath it all, but so, SO ready to move forward.

Sensory Overload

WHERE TO BEGIN? I guess I'll start with when we first arrived. They had appetizers. I love this Doctor already. Turkey and Roast beef wraps (like pinwheels) with bell peppers and cream cheese. And an open bar. Okay not really, but I could have used a beer to take the edge off my nerves fo' sho'. With food in my tummy and a steno pad in my purse, I was more than ready to get started.

When we walked up to the desk to give our names the nurse coordinator greeted me with a huge smile and a cheerful "Oh, hi Melissa!". My first reaction was a little disconcerted, while I returned her smile I wondered why her demeanor was more like checking people in at a high school reunion and less like a symposium for a group of people who are (potentially) experiencing the biggest challenge of their lives. But as I listened from the inside of Conference Room A to her greeting other people, I had to laugh at my own jadedness. This wasn't a Rosary. We shouldn't feel sad or ashamed. And as the doctor began speaking I knew instantly that I was thinking like an asshole. This event should bring everyone attending hope and excitement. This man could FINALLY get us knocked up for Fucks sake - put a damn smile on your face!

But it was obvious that I wasn't the only one with trepidations, I quickly noticed that I was the only one laughing at the doctors attempts at jokes. Like when he said his head Embryologist was "Anal and scrupulous; not the kind of man you want to be married to, but definitely the man you want watching over your gametes".

The rest of the seminar was great. I don't mean to sound like a douche, but I was significantly well versed in most of the topics he covered. (But I'll chalk that up to the obscene amount of time I've spent reading so many of your well documented blogs.) The exception being the structure and operational elements of his lab and his philosophies on various topics.

• Day 3 vs Day 5: He almost always does Day 5 unless by Day 3 there is only a small amount of embryo's, or some other significant factor. He likes to see the embryo's as close to the hatching point as possible before transferring.


• How many embryo's to transfer: His decisions are mostly based upon age. Under 35, no more than two - barring special circumstances. Over 35, no more than four. (A post on this specific topic is in the works.)


• Vitrification: They use the vitrification process for freezing. Which freezes the embryo to -196 degree's Celsius in milliseconds, leading to zero crystallization. Which means lower attrition, and better thaw rates

Overall it was a really great experience. And I'll bet the folks who are newer to the process gained a lot from this meeting. It was very thorough, and included video's of ICSI, egg retrievals, embryo transfers. Things I had seen, but I knew Brian hadn't. We ended the evening with questions from the attendees, the only questions I had were pretty specific to our situation and I prefer to ask them during our consultation this Saturday. After our consultation, we'll get started on testing again, since it's been about two years since our last round. CD3 could be as early as Monday or Tuesday for me, and we'll be doing an updated SA for Brian - I CAN'T WAIT to see if the tic tacs worked!

I guess this means our break is over, huh?

FUCK YEAH IT IS.

It's Seminar Day!

Holy Crap it's the end of September already! We're attending the seminar given by our more-than-likely new RE tonight. I'm so fricken excited that I'm not even a little bit mad that I won't have time to eat dinner in between leaving work and racing off to the seminar. Hopefully I'll find the time to inhale an apple or something because MELISSA DOESN'T SKIP MEALS.

Low Blood Sugar + Melissa = Rage

Just ask Brian.

Poor bastard.

Wow, am I still talking about food? Hell yes, because Melissa hasn't eaten breakfast yet. And being hungry compels me to make statements in the third person.

So the seminar, VERY EXCITED. And Saturday we have our phone consult with the good doctor. SUPER DUPER EXCITED.

More to come!

Out Of The Frying Pan

I took a pregnancy test yesterday morning. Don't get excited - it was negative. I really didn't think that I would see more than one line, but AF is two days late, and I wanted to drink coffee and alcohol guilt-free. Also I think I'm coming down with an infection (awesome) and I didn't want to worry about scrambling our egg with meds- if you know what I mean. And of course, I know you always do.

I keep all of my TTC paraphernalia in a small storage box in my bathroom linen cabinet, and since January it has been tucked away on the bottom shelf, all the way at the very back. I had to get down on my hands and knees just to reach it. And when I finally pulled it out, it took me a good minute before I could actually open it. I suddenly felt very aware that I was on my hands and knees. Being in that vulnerable position, with that box, and everything it represented instantly flooded my mind with images of the person I used to be.

First the good memories; what it felt like the first time I took a pregnancy test out of that cabinet. The excitement, the realization that I was a grown woman, married, and ready to start my own family. The positive OPK's, and how fun it was to make love because we thought we were creating our family. Then slowly the bad memories crept in; the countless tests with single lines. The disdain I felt for the Dixie cups I used to collect my first morning's urine. The frustration of deciphering how dark the line was on the Internet cheapie OPK. The tears that flowed as I slammed that box back in to the cabinet after yet another BFN. And let us not forget the thousands of calories that I consumed to try to ease the pain. Followed by the deepest depression I've ever known.

I could feel my breath quicken, and I suddenly wanted nothing to do with that box. I haven't looked at it in eight long months. No hpt's not opk's, for the better half of 2010. I was different person last time I saw that box - if I opened it again what would that make me? Is this the beginning of the end of the peace that I've found from our eight month respite? When we move forward with IVF in January, will I lose sight of the strength and balance I've worked so hard to regain?

I read so many of the ALI community's blogs, and I ache as I see some of you in that place where I spent so much of 2008, and 2009. Knee deep in the trenches, overwhelmed with frustration and desperation. But still without the slightest waiver of determination in the quest to become a mother.

In the same distinctive way that some feel lucky to have been dealt the challenge of infertility, myself included, I feel lucky that we didn't have the money to jump right into IVF. Because I wouldn't have had that time to heal so many of the battle wounds, to free myself from the reigns of depression, to loose the 30lbs I gained from eating my feelings. To see how unhealthy I was, and how toxic my addiction to TTC had become to my marriage.

At the end of this month I will attend a seminar given by the man who will most likely become our new RE. And four days after that we'll have phone meeting to get us started on our path to IVF early next year. I feel nothing but bliss with the thought of me possibly being pregnant this time next year, but I'm terrified of losing myself again in the mix of all of it. It's just too damn easy to get swallowed up in the whole process. Expectations vs Results, Realism vs Negativity; I'm four months away from all of it, and already I feel like my strategy's are bullshit.

How did you cope? Did you have plans in place to help manage stress?

Gifted

Well my countdown continues to 2011, but until then what better way to pass the time than with bloggy sisters? And COCKTAILS! I met up with a few of my girls this past weekend, Nikki from Our Roller Coaster through Infertility, and Sarang (private blog), AND drum roll please: Lost in Space from No Regrets was in town! It was so cool to have met her, and I'm really grateful she was able to squeeze us in with her other plans. Unfortunately Meg from No Oven for the Bun, who's normally a regular wasn't able to be there but we did our best to pretend like she was.

(Lost in Space, Sarang, "Meg on a Stick", Me, Nikki)

COCKTAILS! and a Monkey Sister toast

After another round of cocktails, we all decided the time was right to throw on a little gift from Nikki, and take pictures with "Meg". How cool is that blogger beanie?!

And though we weren't able to have the real Meg with us that night, I was grateful to have gotten my fix a few weeks before hand. Shortly after introducing me to a fabulous local Chinese restaurant, Meg gave me one of the most thoughtful gifts an infertile could ever dream of: A Follistim Pen.

Used by the skillful hands of a veteran IVFer, she handed me the small blue case that contained to be what I now consider my LUCKY Follistim Pen. This pen helped Meg and T create several little frosties that I know will see the light of day in the not so distant future. It's not only the good juju that comes with this pen, but the generosity and thoughtfulness of her knowing it's one less thing I'll have to purchase when 2011 finally rolls around.

And while I know how fortunate I am to have such amazing women so close by to lean on and have a much needed cocktail with (or three), there are several others I wish I could see on a regular basis too. A few weeks ago I came home from a weekend getaway to a small padded envelope with my name on it...

Inside was a necklace and a card from Murgdan, just to let me know she'd been thinking of me and hoping that time was moving along quickly enough while I wait impatiently for January to come around. Because she remembers how crappy it is to have to wait, and to scrimp and save your way for a shot at becoming a family. That kind of acknowledgement and understanding is invaluable to me. Thank you Murgdan.

The necklace has the word hope, with the written definition on it. It's lovely, and to the point, and I'm wearing it today.

( Sorry the picture is so terrible, I can't find the good one I had taken of it!)

What more can I say? I feel so incredibly lucky to have met all of you, maybe not necessarily in person, but the connection I've made through comments and emails is like nothing I've ever experienced. And I hope you all know how grateful I am for every one of you.

Now go tell one of your bloggy sisters how much they mean to you!

No News Is .... Because I'm Boring

So, yeah... I've been a little MIA... Sorry bout that. Iyah... Don't have a whole lot to say I guess - But how are you? What's new?

Okay Seriously. I'm sorry I've been a little out of touch. It's funny because I always wondered about the people who let their blogs go for weeks without an update. How could they not feel compelled to overshare with general public?! I love writing here, I love that years from now I'll be able to look back at April 9th, 2008 and see where I was in my life... I've tried though! I have several unpublished posts that I started and just felt like they weren't really going anywhere, and I didn't want to drag you along with me. Then I happened to look at my calendar and realized that Sunday will be August 1st. (Holy Crap - AUGUST?!) And I can't let the entire month of July go by without a single update, now can I?

So in an effort to keep my future self posted as to where I'm at in my life on this very day, and so you all don't think I've run off to abduct Jason Sudeikis. I give you updates via bullet point, ala: I'm not dead, I swear.

Da Heyouse - I've wrapped myself up in all kinds of household projects. Painting, organizing, purging - all LONG overdue.

Fund Raising - Remember my 34 year old, non-smoking friend with Stage IV Lung Cancer? Well I joined a 5K Fund raiser for the organization he is involved with and I've spent a bit of time emailing and calling folks about it. I've even gone back on to Facebook (gulp) to shamelessly plug it. (Speaking of shameless plugging, if you'd like to donate to a REALLY fantastic and worthy cause, you can email me at bloggyme027 at gmail dot com)

IF Related -I signed us up for a Seminar that a local RE is doing the last week of September. And I set up a phone consultation for a few days after to discuss our future IVF cycle. Exciting! (It's either a phone consultation or a $500 face to face - free shit is better)

The RE's office sent me a package the very next day after my phone call with tons of paperwork, a dvd about them, and pricing. I also found out we might qualify for a 10-25% financial assistance discount that will be based on our income. I'm pretty sure we'll qualify for one of the two - sweetness!

Countdown - We're 35 days away from Pumpkin Spice Latte's.

Which means we're on the downhill side of the countdown to IVF in early 2011. Hoo-fuckin-rah

Weight Loss - I'm down 21.5lbs total, and I've hit a bit of a plateau. In the last two weeks I've bounced up and down about a half a pound. Which is pretty annoying. Guess it's time to mix up my exercise routine again. 14.5 more to go!

So there you have it. Nothing terribly exciting to post about, but I just wanted you all to know I'm still here. Brian has commented on more than one occasion about how nice it is to "have me back". While I feel like I've been in a good place for at least the last four months, I kind of know what he saying. I'm living my life again, and it doesn't have much to do with TTC or our failure to do so. (though I still demand sex when I'm ovulating). And I think the main reason it's been so easy to let go of is only because there is a silent simultaneous countdown ticking away in my head to when we will finally get to move forward again. So while my world is no where near revolving around it, it is still very much present in my everyday life. And now, if you'd like to discuss Politics, I can contradict myself further.

Melissa G - OUT.

SuppleMENTAL

Since embarking upon on my weight loss journey I've found it decidedly convenient to have something else to obsess over whilst on our TTC/ART hiatus. Don't worry I'm not weighing out my portions of cereal or anything. The food part is surprisingly easy for me. It's actually more of the exercise part that I tend to be obsessive about. I'm working out between four and five days a week and it's really going well. But I fully admit that it takes A LOT of willpower to keep my ass off the couch and motivated to exercise so consistently. That part is not so easy.

So since I'm on this new health kick I have decided to subject Brian to a pretty hefty load of supplements to help his boys get a little more whip in their tails. To be one hundred percent honest, I have no idea if it is even going to work. It's a total Hail Mary, but it's a relatively easy thing that we can try to do to boost our chances for my hopelessly delusional miracle BFP aspiration a successful IVF cycle.

I initially got the "cocktail" from Dee who posted about how it helped her husband with severe MFI. (Dee btw, is currently pregnant with triplets (!) after her SEVENTH IVF) I then ran it passed my acupuncturist, who is a licensed herbalist. She approved and was able to order all the goods for me. So now Brian is chugging two different buffered powders in juices - twice per day- AND taking eleven pills a day on top of that.... (Thanks dear)

So for all I know thirty packs of Tic Tacs could yield the same results since we're still possibly dealing with a chromosomal issue, but you know what? This makes me feel like we're actually doing something. Like the twelve months we're taking off to save up for IVF won't be completely useless otherwise. And I'd hate to get to our first cycle and have it fail, then think to myself that I coulda/woulda/shoulda put him on those damn Tic Tacs, and that maybe just maybe we would have had a different outcome. You know how that goes...

So anyway, I'm assuming the RE we're going to meet with in October is going to order another S/A. And I'll commence hoping with all my might that we do infact see a difference - I'm not expecting a perfect score, but just a little something for his efforts would be nice. This appointment afterall will be over 120 days after Brian started this regimen, and from the various reports I've read sperm mature at 70 - 90 days past production, so it should be just in time. Annnnd I guess that's all I have to say about Brian's sperm.

For now.

Wish us luck!

Rightside Up

Dude. You guys are awesome. Thank you so much for cheering me on and offering your not-so-unsolicited support. It was pretty fun to feel the excitement in some of your comments. And a little overwhelming because it made me realize that I was excited too.

I am excited. And hopeful. And almost even giddy when I think about how we're going to get to move forward soon. I'm so grateful to be in such a good place right now that it makes me wonder where I'd be had we not been forced to take a break. I've almost forgotten what it was like to cry on a daily basis, or feel slighted by a complete stranger at the grocery store just because they're pregnant. And things are going really, REALLY well with Brian and I, and I've truly cherished every second since I've stopped wanting to punch him in the face (Not entirely his fault, of course). I'm not saying by any means that the feelings about infertility ever went away, I'm just saying that they were much more manageable... Anyway, I'm not going to sit here and preach about taking a break, because really - who in their everlovin' right mind would want to extend their stay in this horrendous land of limbo? I initially planned to forge ahead, not stopping for anyone or anything until I saw that second line, so I know how it sounds when someone tells you that you need to take a break. (Maybe that's where the whole wanting to punch Brian in the face thing started) I'll just say that a break isn't anything you should be afraid of. (btw, I've been relaxed for four whole months and I'm still not pregnant - can you believe that advice doesn't work after all?!?)

So I guess my new found Zen is part of what made me hesitant to announce anything official here about us doing IVF next year. I was afraid that admitting it in my bloggy life might fling me back into the world of emphatically monitoring my cycle days and cervical mucus. And the next thing you know I'm drinking cough syrup with a straw and screaming in the bathroom at work at a used OPK to give me a more definitive line. For realsies.

Okay here's part of the plan. We're going to interview with one more RE. He used to be a part of my old clinic but opened a practice of his own a while back. He deals strictly with IVF, and has built a very reputable on site lab. The other great thing about this clinic is that he offers a shared risk program, and if we qualify we could be eligible to receive 90% of the fee's back if our first fresh IVF cycle, and subsequent FET's don't end up with a viable pregnancy. In which case we would most certainly put that 90% towards another cycle. He will be giving a seminar at a local Hotel the last week of September, and my plan is to schedule an appointment with him for the week after while I'm signing up for the Seminar. Which in reality is only a little over three months away!

So I'm down almost 15 pounds - yehaw! It's exciting because there are a bunch of clothes in my closet that fit now, so I get to wear somewhat new clothes without having spent a dime. Ahhh the fat girl's consolation... A varied wardrobe to accommodate any pant size. So according to my original plan I only have about 11 more pounds to go. HOWEVER, the clinic we're going to go to really stresses the research they've done between the correlation of BFP's and BMI's. So I'm probably going to need to loose another 10 pounds on top of my original goal. Equaling another 21 pounds total that I need to loose... Fortunately time is on my side -for once. So I might just be able to get all the weight off by the seminar. I'm not going to kill myself doing it, it's just a goal.

Anyhoo, thank you again for all of your support and encouragement. I'm truly grateful with all of my heart.

Go Big or Go Home

While I haven't exactly aired all of our dirty laundry, I take pride in being pretty honest and forthright here about everything going on in our lives regarding IF. But there's something I've been holding back on and I can't really discern why. What I'm about to tell you, is to me, less of an arcane matter than choosing to come out about doing Donor IUI's. But reflecting on it now, it wasn't about telling you as much as it is putting it in writing that made it seem so irrevocable and REAL. As if admitting it here would mean anything other than what it does when I speak the actual words; which I have.

So here it goes: We're definitely doing IVF next year.

I realize in this community my announcement is common place, so you're all probably feeling a little let down that I'm not declaring my race for Governor or launching my own reality TV series. But it feels like a really fucking big deal. While I am (of course) a huge advocate of IVF, I honestly never thought we would need it. From the time we were diagnosed to the time where we decided to do dIUI's, I just never thought IVF would be a part of our plan. I thought I would get pregnant with every one of our six dIUI's. Just like I thought we'd get pregnant right away when I went off Birth Control THREE years ago this month.

I also realize that my news isn't a total surprise since I've yammered on and on about possibly doing dIUI's w/ injectables or IVF hopefully using Brian's sperm, or adoption. But as of about March we pretty much decided we would definitely do IVF. (Though I think adoption will always remain on the table) We still have long road ahead of us. There's going to be some serious embezzling, and bank robberies juggling with finances on our part to try to make this happen. And we won't be able to move forward for at least six more months. But I really think we'll manage.

We're hoping to get started in January, no later than February. There are a few other goals included in this six month timeline, but I'll post about them later. For now I just wanted to get this off my chest and tell you that I feel incredibly lucky to know so many of you who've gone through this. So I'll be aware of some of the situations and/or complications that may arise during our cycle. And to have such a vast community of strength and knowledge I can fall back on feels absolutely amazing, so I'm going to thank all you IVF Vets in advance for putting up with the incessant questioning that is to come. First thing on the list:

Is it 2011 yet?

Unplugged

Though my husband would emphatically disagree, I have to say how lovely it is to exist in a place without Cell phones or News reports. To spend your day without knowing what time it is, only identifying it in segments related to meals and shut eye. It must be how my dog feels every day.

I'm sorry to say I don't have any pictures for you. I fully intended to spend a significant amount of time capturing the wilderness I spent almost every summer in during my childhood. But I just never got around to it. Productivity had no part in this trip and I'm incredibly thankful for that. I needed that. To shut down. To unplug. To eat. To laugh. To spend time with people I love. It was so nourishing. It was also however, very, very cold. Sweatshirt weather during the daytime, and beanie and parka weather at night. It most certainly dipped well into the low 30's after sunset which is not exactly something I'm used to. I realize I probably sound like a panzy because some of you live in that type of weather, but how often to you sleep outside during it?

I truly enjoy camping. The smell. The quiet. The time we get to spend with my family, it's wonderful. And something about it makes me feel like a kid again. Unfortunately that something is when I have to trek it to the bathroom in the middle of the freezing cold night. There's just something so unsettling about not being able to see further than the beam of my flashlight that I simply cannot contain while I'm up there. Then once I make it safely back to my tent I spend the next twenty minutes or so trying not to think about how easy it would be for someone or something to murder me while I lay helpless, bundled up in my sleeping bag. Some of you will either know exactly what I mean or think I am a complete nut case. But that will never change the fact that when I'm camping, I am afraid of the dark.

Getting away from the hustle and bustle of every day life has reminded me of more than just how liberating it can be to really shut things off for a few days. It's made me realize how this break from ttc has given me a piece of my life back. And I say "a piece", because I still don't feel whole. But at least it's something. A glimmer of who I was, and what I may be again someday in the future. When the noises of infertility don't invade my thoughts and dreams. When I live my day in small segments of time, instead of two week periods that seem to drag on until I realize that actually months, and years have passed.

I admit that in gaining a part of myself back, I've lost the part of me that yearns to spend so much time here. While I miss so many of you that I've come to know so well over the years, it's also a little painful. To see you move on, to see you fail, to see you waiting, like me, for when you've healed enough, saved enough to move on to the next step - whatever that may be. Being slightly removed from all the ups and downs makes me realize how difficult that world is, how consuming and demanding treatments can be. And I'm awe of the strength you each possess. And I'm reminded of the support you've all given me, and how I hope that I've been there for you as much as you've been there for me. I don't mean that to sound like I'm going anywhere, I just feel the need to clarify my absesnce from your comments and lack of posting here. It's an unfortunate struggle between wanting to know every little update in the lives I feel so invested in, and needing a little space from such an all encompassing saga. I hope that makes sense.

Checking Out

No Cell Phones.

No T.V.

No Heat.

What?! Okay there will be heat, but it will be primitive.

Me bang rocks, make fire. Oh, who am I kidding - I ordered myself a 3,000 BTU Portable Propane heater fo' sho'.

We're heading up to God's Country this weekend. Big camping trip with my family. Sleeping in the woods should be great for my back. Okay maybe not, but at least no one will be able to hear me scream. Hooray for simplicity.

As if it were even necessary to mention, my posting and commenting will be even more non existent for a bit since we won't even have much FM radio reception.

And btw, the tab that gives me the options for font is mysteriously no where to be found. Seems like the universe is helping me prepare to get by without all the fancy modern conveniences I've come to love.

Peace Out.

Injured Reserve

You may or may not have noticed that I've been MIA for the last week or so, I am sorry for that because I've missed you all, but I have a relatively good excuse. I threw my back out last week. ***Whispers in the crowd "I though she was like 31, not 72"***. I am in fact still thirty-one though I feel like I'm Seventy-two. I wish I had an awesomely heroic or acrobatic story to accompany my injury, but I don't. I was reaching for a hairbrush and BAM(!) I couldn't stand back up... (pathetic, I know)

Sadly this is not my first back injury. Those of you with medical degree's or previous back injuries are likely rolling their eyes with a simultaneous "DUH". The first injury happened almost three years ago when my uncle was dying from Colon Cancer and we had to drive six hours each way to his house because he was moving back home. I didn't lift anything particularly heavy I think it was a combination of the emotional stress from the pending loss and moving, and having two, six hour drives with in three days. My other serious relapse was stress related as well. I guess that's why this injury is so baffling. It wasn't stress related at all.

I saw my chiropractor, and he mentioned something about my Sacroiliac Joint and the ligament that wraps around it... I don't really remember the details because I was in excruciating pain and wasn't really paying attention to anything that wasn't making me feel better. I spent the next three days either flat on my back or standing, because sitting was extremely painful (which made going to the bathroom... interesting). The three days I was at home I couldn't bare to sit down in front of our desktop, and our router is busted so my laptop is somewhat useless. And by the time I've gotten home from work this week, all I want is a big glass of wine and to be flat on my back. So please forgive me, because I'm WAY behind on all your posts. I have to say though that Brian has been absolutely incredible. Sunday he went to Costco for me and came back with flowers. Then when I came home from work Monday evening the lawn had been mowed, the kitchen was spotless and he had vacuumed the entire house. (Thank you again dear!!!)

The good news is this has given me a good excuse to go see my acupuncturist, whom I love, love, LOVE. And I've seen my Chiro almost every day which has yielded significant progress. I was thrilled when he recommend acupuncture, and he was a little surprised when I told him I already had a particular office I'd being going to. Which lead to the discussion of IF, and then about how my current injury might be impacted by pregnancy (g*d willing). He said even after I'm feeling better I should come in for adjustments every few months, and that he will definitely be able to help me when I do (eventually/hopefully) get pregnant, and that I shouldn't worry about it too much.

Two other crappy parts about being sidelined by this injury is that one, I wasn't able to complete or submit my Project IF post by the deadline - which breaks my heart but I just couldn't sit in front of a computer, nor was I really in the mood to write. (If you think I'm agro here, be thankful that you've never seen me while I'm in a lot of pain) And two I'm not able to excersize AT ALL. Which is not so good when you're on the weightloss train. But, it is what is it I guess. I'm just focusing on recovering. So if you'll excuse me now, I have a CRAP LOAD of blogs that I love, to catch up on.

OH one more thing! My very good friend Jessica gave birth to her little girl last week. I am so thrilled for she and her husband and I can't wait to meet her daughter. Jess has been very supportive through my journey, and because of that she is one of the few IRL friends that has access to this blog. She also struggled a bit with PCOS so I'm even more thrilled that she's finally got her little one.