My Great Escape

Have I ever told you how much I love and depend on music? There are several specific albums that have gotten me through pivotal times throughout my life, and I always think of them as old friends. I've mentioned it before, but when I get into a new album I listen to it incessantly. Literally, for weeks a time. I dissect the composition and lyrics of each song carefully and usually end up applying the words to some part of my life, which inevitably makes the song even more dear to my heart.

After my very early, and very crappy morning Saturday. I decided to get up and keep myself busy. I was still devastated, but I just wouldn't allow myself to stay in bed and wallow all day. We had plans that night. We were going to a concert. Actually it was a benefit concert for children with severe disabilities, and it always has an impressive line up. This year: She.ryl Crow, Chri.s Martin (from Cold.play), Jimmy Buff.ett, and No Do.ubt. It's completely acoustic, and absolutely fantastic. We went with some friends of ours, who know about our situation, but not about this blog. I told Brian in the car that under no circumstances did I want to discuss the earlier events of the day. He agreed, and we were on our way. It was the perfect evening for an outdoor concert, and the five beers that I ingested helped move things right along. (Which, btw, those five beers? Totalled more than I've had to drink in the last five months combined). It was so great to have something else to think of, to enjoy a night with no heartache, no looming appointments, or medications. I had escaped it all.

That is until this morning when the reality set back in. It failed, again. I have to do all this crap again next month. Fuck.

Saturday morning I cried harder than I have in a very long time. And my wonderful husband was right there with me. Held me and commiserated, and wiped away my tears. This sucks, and it's not fair. It's getting harder financially as well. These IUI's cost about as much as our mortgage, and we hadn't really planned on needing more than 3 of them. So we decided together that if the next two don't work then we'll need to take some time off, and save up for the next round. God, I hope it doesn't come to that. I know that in the grand scheme of things, four IUI's isn't that many. Especially since three of them were undmedicated. We had about the same odds as a normal couple would've. It's just hard to accept that when I know we're doing everything right, and the circumstances (supposedly) couldn't be better- blah, blah, blah...

Annnnnd no joke, AF just showed this very minute. I was about to ask how long it takes the bitch to show after stopping the Prome.trium, and BAM. Man, I hate her.

Anyway, I want to thank you for all of your incredibly supportive comments. I've been rereading them all for the past few days, and they continue to be very comforting. Hugs.

Nope.

I can't even begin to express my sadness and frustration. I don't know how fucking much more disappointment I can take. We are swiftly running out of emotional and financial resources to continue doing this. I feel helpless.

How could it be negative?

We had every odd in our favor. I had two giant follicles, perfect timing, and a decent motile count.

I'm so infuriated.

So defeated.

Can't Fight These Feelings

I've had a few inquiries as to how I'm feeling, and whether or not I'm getting any pregnancy related symptoms. The answer unfortunately, is no. I am however feeling a BUTTLOAD of side effects from the Promet.rium. I wasn't originally going to look them up because I was afraid it would only fuel the fire of obsessive speculation, but I had to check it out today because I've been experiencing some weird shit.

Oh, let's start with my favorite:

• Oral and Vaginal dryness - There's likely no need for me to elaborate on this one. It's about as awesome as it sounds.
• Acne - My skin is not exactly fantastic to begin with, so the new monster zits that have showed up on my neck and boobs are just icing on the pockmarked cake.
• Anxiety and insomnia - For a second I though I was loosing my mind. The last 5 or six nights I have slept like absolute shit. I'm totally restless and keeping having ridiculous dreams where I'm worried about things like whether or not Madison from Mill.ion Doll.ar Lis.ting made the right decision in lowering the price of the Malibu house by 600k. Absurd, just absurd.
• Frequent Urination - It's probably because I'm drinking tons water in a futile attempt to quench my severe cotton mouth, but cheeseandcrackers folks! I have to pee ALL THE LIVE LONG DAY. And night too! But that doesn't really bother me because it's not like I'm busy sleeping at 2:36am ANY DAMN WAY.
• Heartburn - After Every. Single. Meal. Without Fail.

So there it is. That's everything I'm feeling. Oh and 'the girls' are still quiet. Not the slightest bit of soreness. Which is still fine with me. Sigh. I have no better idea of whether or not it worked this time, than I have the last three times. But there's still hope. At least I have that.

I'm 13dpo.

*****************

Oops I forgot to mention whether I was going to test or not. How about Saturday morning? Yikes.

Holy Hell, is it ICLW already?!

I swear it's coming faster and faster every month. Especially when I don't have anything remotely exciting to post about. I am 12dpo/dpiui today. I don't have a Beta scheduled, just the haunting notions of unused home pregnancy tests in my bathroom cabinet. I'm doing my best to stay far away from them though. AF is due Fridayish. Ugh I hate when it falls on a weekday. I'd so much rather get crappy news when I can stay in pajama's all day and consume large quantities of - well anything with an astonishingly high caloric count.

You may recognize my story, last ICLW I had a different blog title which included my last name. When I first started my blog, my husband was the only one reading it. Slowly I began gaining readership, and it started to occur to me that I may be giving our future child's privacy away. While Brian and I feel we have nothing to hide as far as our infertility, we do however feel a fierce need to protect our future child(ren). I have no idea where this blog will be in 20 years, but I don't want anything I say to come back and bite me in the ass. We want our child to be able to choose who is aware of their conception, outside of the family and a select few friends of course.

This month we completed our fourth dIUI. The first three were done with no meds, just based on a positive OPK. But my impatience got the best of me, and I insisted on using some meds this round. My RE put me on Letrozole, which produced 2 lovely follicles. I've never really addressed this before, and I know that I only have about a 5% chance, but I am totally fine with twins. The only thing that concerns me is the high risk pregnancy part.

If you're interested in how we got to the Donor path you can check out my obnoxiously detailed timeline. Or here are a few posts that are probably the most significant.

So welcome ICLWer's, I look forward to reading more about you.

My Gratitude

Feeling better today. I've done pretty well so far with not completely over analyzing symptoms. I'll probably chalk most of them up to the medications anyway. I haven't read the list of side effects from the Prometrium because I don't need anymore knowledge on what might be related to a pregnancy. The one symptom that is missing however is the sore boobage. They normally start to hurt the day after I ovulate. But here I am, 10dpo, and the girls are blissfully silent. It's a nice change, I'm used to them hurting for two weeks at a time, so this is great!

So like I was saying I'm in a much better place emotionally today. That may have to do with the wonderful day I had yesterday. Brian and I celebrated our sixth wedding anniversary. I fully planned to dedicate a post to it, but I spent more time with him instead, and I'm sure he appreciated that. Up until last week, we'd been having kind of a tough time. We had a pretty nasty argument a week ago, and ever since then I think we both realized we need to just try harder to be good to one another. Not that it had completely gotten away from us, but we have a lot going on right now, even outside of the IF stuff. But yesterday it all disappeared, and I spent the day with my best friend, we didn't do anything particularly exciting, but we never left each others side from sun up, to sun down and it was wonderful. He is wonderful. And I become more and more thankful for him everyday, especially on the hard ones. I love you, Brian. Thank you for making my life amazing. You've helped me become the woman I am today, and I'm so grateful for that.


And I'd also like to send out a huge thank you, and a big squishy hug to all of you who've been so supportive. I know my emotions have been all over the place lately. I totally realize that my feelings in any given post usually contradicts the previous one... But you've all done a fantastic job at keeping up with me.

Sometimes I worry that this blog comes across as one big pity party. That might be because I use this place as an outlet, and unfortunately when I'm in a bad place, I lose the ability to see when I'm being a whiny mess. I don't always feel as crappy as some of my posts may convey. I just use each post to help me shed that heavy cloud of sorrow or anger that I'm experiencing at any particular moment.

And thank you for following me to my new blog. I was a little worried at first that I might loose some of you, but your comments prove otherwise. I'm just so thankful to have all of you in my life. To the ones who live near by, and the others whom are far, far away... It's nice to know that even if we can't grab dinner together, there's always instant access with my laptop. So no matter what time of day or night - you're always there. I hope I can do the same for you.

Meh

The title of this post completely sums up the way I'm feeling right now.

I'm 5dpo.

I have nothing to report.

Just wading my way through another two week wait.

I have no inclination as to how this cycle is going to turn out.

I'm at that point where I'm sort of feeling like it's never going to happen. I don't mean ever, but just not anytime soon. I'm terrified that we'll spend the rest of this year and the beginning of next year doing IUI's. And eventually have to stop and save up for IVF. And that, my friends, is going to take a long ass time.

Yesterday while leaving the store, I saw this man in the parking lot taking pictures with his blac.kberry of his two little girls jumping in puddles. The smile on his face was just as wide as his little girls'. I smiled at first too, but my heart quickly sank. Scene's like this me ache with longing. Will that EVER be Brian?

It's seems like it's less and less the Mom's that make me sigh, and more the Dad's. Fathers with their children on their shoulders, strapped to their chests, or even just holding their hands. When do I get to cherish the picture I took of our baby sleeping in Brian's arms?

I'm just getting so tired of waiting. Not impatient, but weary and haggard. Please god, please make it happen soon.

Not What I Planned

Where, oh where, do I begin?

When I made my initial appointment for today's IUI, they told me that Dr. Rawks was not going to be in. Which was fine, I've had six total IUI's during my last three cycles and Dr. Rawks has only done two of them. Not a big deal. I was able to make an appointment with a Doctor that I've had before and really liked. But when we got there today, my IUI nurse told me that this doctor was no longer available. No problem, just give me anyone with a degree in Reproductive Endocrinology, and I'll be on my way... So the doctor walks in, and I suddenly realize I've had her before. And she was not good. Not good at all. Not only does she lack a personality/bedside manner, but after my last visit with her I abhorrently nicknamed her Dr. Cantfindmycervix. I literally felt bruised after the last IUI she gave me.

After reintroducing herself, she tells me that the counts of the vial they thawed only had 9.6 million. The bank we purchased from guarantee's a minimum of 10 million. I realize that this is a very small difference, but I am not happy. Since my first IUI the total thawed counts have only gone down. My first vial had 26 million - a FANTASTIC number. But the vial before this had 15 million. Still not terrible, but not as good as 26. The minimum amount that my clinic prefers for an IUI is 10 million. Dr. Cantfindmycervix, seemed to think this sample was adequate. But I just didnt feel good about it. This my FOURTH FUCKING SHOT. I NEED this to WORK. I can't do this anymore. It's really starting to wear on me... So I ask her if it's possible to thaw another vial. She tells me again, that the vial does meet their minimum requirement, but that if I wanted, they could thaw another one. She warned me that doing so, may not necessarily increase my odds. But I just didn't feel good about the single vial. I can't settle for their "minimum requirement" - I won't. Not when we've got three failed cycles under our belts. My peace of mind is worth more than the expense of an extra vial. If I had settled for the single vial and this cycle didn't work, I could not live with myself for not following my instinct and insisting on a second vial.

So it's done. The Dr, once again, had a difficult time locating my cervix for some ridiculous reason. And once again she fumbled around while giving me the play by play -"You're going to feel some pressure now", blah blah blah.... HEY LADY, THIS AINT MY FIRST RODEO. I know what a fucking speculum feels like. How's about you work a little harder on being delicate with my girlly parts, and little less on your dialog, huh?!?! So like I was saying, it's done, and I've been resting somewhat comfortably since this afternoon. I'm pretty sure I ovulated on my left side while I was typing this, and now I can feel my right side starting to ache. So I'm happy with the timing I guess. But man, was this a crappy ending to what I have so far, felt pretty confident about. But I'm not going to dwell on it. I need feel good about the rest of this cycle, I'm tired of feeling sad...

Please commence crossed fingers.

Trigger Happy

I just got back from my second u/s monitoring. There are definitely two GIANT follicles. WOO HOO! On the left is the dominant 24.18mm, and on the right we have 23.54mm. Dr. Rawks is thrilled with both. And my lining is just under 9mm. So that's good too. At my last appointment they asked me to make sure I brought my Ovidrel, which I did. So the nurse kindly showed me how to administer the shot right there at the clinic. I have an appointment for my IUI tomorrow afternoon. The only thing that sucks about that is that it's Fle.et Week in San Francisco, so traffic is going to be a cluster fuck. But I'll get over it. I really have a lot of respect for people who commute all the time. I live 5 miles away from my office, so the most I can complain about is a slow pedestrian. I do not know how people put up with that crap 5 days a week... What was I talking about? oh yeah- I TRIGGERED!!! Please keep your fingers that this is the first, and last time I will have to trigger for at least a few years. Wish me luck!

U/S Update

I always thought I'd be using that title in affiliation with a pregnancy, but oh well. I had my ultrasound this morning. Everything went well. Dr. Rawks found 2.5 follicles. One on my left that was 19mm, and two on my right side. One was 18mm, and the other was 15mm. He said the 15mm may or may not catch up, but for now he's happy with the two larger ones. Whew. I feel so much better. I was really freaking out that my body was not going to respond to the meds at all.

I made another appointment for an u/s Thursday morning, Dr. Rawks wants me to continue doing OPK's, and if I get a positive between now and my next appointment we will just reschedule it as an IUI, and I will do the ovidrel trigger as a back up. He prefers that I try go as long as possible to let the follicles mature. But it's possible that I may trigger after my u/s on Thursday. So surprise, surprise- it's more wait and see. The nice thing is, is that I was able to get Thursday and Friday off (Thanks T!), so I won't have to worry about missing a peculiar amount of work, and coming up with an excuse for my co-workers again. My main plan is to be a complete waste of space, and catch up on my reading and various blogs. It's been a hectic few months and I could really use this time to reboot. Unfortunately I have to do a few grown up things like getting my much needed a hair cut, and going to meet with our financial planner. Boy is she going to love hearing how much we've spent on IF in the last 4 months!

Now I'd like to take a moment to thank the lovely and talented Dee for the Kreativ Blogger Award! Thank you so much for your support and thoughtfulness Dee, I really appreciate it.

Here are the rules:

1-Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
2-Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
3-Link to the person who nominated you for this award.
4-Name 7 things about yourself that people may not know.
5-Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers.
6-Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.
7-Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they’ve been nominated.

Here we go:

1. I hate the sound of pouring liquid.

2. I was a locksmith for 3 years, before I got laid off after Silicon Valley tanked. I can pick open and re-key locks, I can get in to most cars, and I know more about safes than a lot of people ever will. Everything you see in the movies about breaking into safes or front doors, is bullshit.

3. I wear one of my Grandmothers rings on my right hand. When people ask me about it I feel compelled to inform them that she is still alive.

4. I got a fake ID when I was 19. It took the fun out of when I actually turned 21.

5. I have like 70+ VHS tapes that I will not get rid of. Much to Brian's dismay.

6. I heart Jason Bateman.

7. I won't leave the house without make up on. Ever.

I'd like to pass this award on to:

Once Upon a Time, Musings of a Wannabe Mommy, Melissa's thoughts and Realizations, It's only Life, Our Journey, and Family of two.

Yeah, Maybe Not...

Okay Sorry for the suspense. I thankfully, did not get a positive OPK this weekend. The line has actually gotten a little lighter but still significantly present. So weird...

I know a few cycles ago I said I'd stop forecasting what my body was doing, but it's IMPOSSIBLE to ignore the slightest twinge! Oh well, I'll be going in for my ultrasound as planned tomorrow morning at 8:30am. I'm, freaking out that there won't be any changes and that I'll just have one lame-o follicle. But I also had a dream that there were nine, so who knows.


Wow, I'm honored to say I received the Over the Top Award from Jessica, Clare and Katie! Thank you so much ladies! I'm really grateful!

And the Rules are:

Rules1. You Can Only Use One Word (Yeah right...we know that won't happen!)2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers3. Alert them that you have given them this award4. Have Fun!

The Fun:

Where is your cell phone? In my purse

2. Your hair? Shoulder length, and badly in need of a touch up to my highlights

3. Your mother? Complicated

4. Your father? Conservative, Quiet, Supportive

5. Your favorite food? Anything with Carbs

6. Your dream last night? That we got a new dog, and a pet cobra. Very bizarre...

7. Your favorite drink? Club Soda

8. Your dream/goal? To be a Mother

9. What room are you in? Bedroom

10. Your hobby? Cooking and reading

11. Your fear? Remaining Childless

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? At home with our kids

13. Where were you last night? At a RESOLVE meeting

14. Something that you aren’t? Pregnant

15. Muffins? Bran

16. Wish list item? To be a mother already

17. Where did you grow up? Not far from where I live now - San Francisco Bay Area

18. Last thing you did? Baked Pumpkin Bread

19. What are you wearing? Jammies

20. Your TV? On. Brian loves the news

21. Your pets? My monkey/dog, Parker

22. Friends? The real ones? Few and dear.

23. Your life? Still in limbo

24. Your mood? Mellow

25. Missing someone? My Uncle Bob

26. Vehicle? GMC, Yukon. It's ovesized but paid for...

27. Something you’re not wearing? A trench coat?

28. Your favorite store? Sur La Table

29. Your favorite color? Green

30. When was the last time you laughed? Today

31. Last time you cried? Yesterday

32. Your best friend? My husband

33. One place that I go to over and over? Our spare bedroom.

34. One person who emails me regularly? Brian, Teresa

35. Favorite place to eat? My Grandma's.

Recipients:

1. The Pitter Patter

2. Will Not Work For Baby

3. Wheresmy2lines

4. There's A Baby at the End of this, Right?

5. No Oven for The Bun

6. Inconceivable

Letrozole, You Sneaky Little Bitch

I know what your thinking.

Isn't she on CD8?

Those OPK test lines seem awfully dark for this point in her cycle.

Jeez, she'll probably get a positive in the morning.

Tomorrow Afternoon at the latest...

But what about the Ovidrel sitting in her fridge? I thought she is supposed to trigger with that later next week...

I KNOW!!!!!!

Dr. RAWKS told me to start testing on Sunday, which would be CD10. But I started to get that pinchy pressure in my abdomen that is oh-so-recognizable at this point in my IF career. So I decided I would test this evening. Just to see where I'm at. And a disturbingly dark line showed up right away. I realize this is not a positive test. And the picture may not do those lines justice, but they are pretty dark, and I seriously expect to go in this weekend for my IUI.

Have any of you who've taken Letrozole/Femara had a similar experience?

This is typically where a slur of gratuitous expletives would be spewing out on to the page with little regard for common decency. But since my last two cycles have been so wonky, I'm actually not as bothered by this as I think I normally would be... The main reason is because my incredibly amazing husband went to pick up and deliver our precious cargo to the clinic today. I initially thought I could do it next week, and then something inside made me press to get it done today. And my Mr. being his AMAZING self, obliged. I know it screwed up his schedule and he was frustrated with the short notice, but he didn't give me a hard time about it, even though I know it really threw a wrench in his day.

Thanks Dear.

I really hope this was your last trip over there.

As always, I'll keep you all posted.

Feels Like The First Time

I can't help but feel hopeful with this next cycle. So many of you have been so encouraging, and telling me about success stories with Letrozole/Femara. I'm feeling as hopeful as I did right before my first cycle. And man I need that right now. I need to feel good about it, and like things really might happen for us soon. I'm not going to worry about jinxing it. I'm not going to worry about getting my hopes up. Because a failure is a failure, and pretending to be aloof during a tww isn't going to make it suck any less if I see another BFN.

Have you ever stopped believing that you'll ever see that second line? That you'll ever be a mother? September was pretty rough for me. From the day after my last IUI, I began planning for this one. Probably even before that. I didn't believe it would work. And I was right.

It felt like another futile attempt. Like I might as well have been trying to get pregnant on my own, with our whopping 1% chance...

How did I get that far away from hope? Sometimes I think it's because I exhaust it all on my first go-round. Or maybe it's because I spend so much time trying to keep it at bay while I focus on the reality of the situation. But not hoping doesn't make a failure hurt any less. So why does it seem so much safer to not get excited?

I hate that this process has made me so guarded. Has made me question my reactions to situations with friends and doctors, because I know my vision is skewed with frustration, and longing.

Well I'm not going to do that this month. I have to do something different. I have to walk away from all that pain and negativity. So here it goes.

I am hopeful.

Home Sweet Home

Well? What do you think?

I personally love it. There are still a few kinks I am trying to work out. Like adding and editing the tabs above. If anyone has any tips for how to do that I would be FOREVER grateful. I looked up this question in the forums, and tried to contact the creator of this template but she hasn't responded yet... Sorry I know this is boring if you've never had to deal with it. So on to the matters at hand...

I'm on my third day of Letrozole, so far not a single side effect to report. I am a little concerned that prolonged use may create cysts and what not. It's actually a little scary for me to be on these meds. I was really hoping that I could get by with natural cycles, but my impatience took over and here I am. I was hoping to create a tab for a break down on my current cycle, but like I said, I'm still trying to figure that out. So here it is:

• I am currently on CD 5, horray AF is almost gone.
• I will be taking Letrozole until CD7 which is Thursday, October 1st.
• On Saturday, October 3rd I will start doing OPK's to make sure I don't ovulate before my ultrasound.
• Tuesday, October 6th I will go in for an ultrasound to monitor the growth of my follicles, hopefully I will have at least two, and no more than three. At that time they will determine when I will need to trigger ovulation. I'll be using Ovidrel for that.
• Then I will go in for my IUI about 36 hours after that. I'm guess October 8th or 9th.
• And after that I will start up on my progesterone, Prometrium suppositories, and count down until my BFP. We won't be doing a beta. I just need to call them WHEN I get a positive test.

God I hope my optimism doesn't come back to bite me in the ass.

Thanks for coming to my new home!

Nope.

If I had published this morning when AF showed, this would be a very different post.

I was furious. I was defeated. I was crushed. Again. I wanted to yell at someone. I wanted to scream at Dr. Rawks because he told me I'd be pregnant by now, and I believed him. You're young. Your lining looks great. Your periods are regular. Natural cycles will be just fine. I'm taking all my supplements, and doing acupuncture. My blood tests are flawless. Our timing has been perfect. I'M DOING EVERYTHING RIGHT. WHY THE FUCK AM I NOT PREGNANT YET?!?!

But it was a different story when the good doctor called me back. He sounded genuinely disappointed. He understood my frustration. He thinks we should move forward with meds too. Unfortunately we can't do injectables just yet. We need to take a class to learn how to administer them, and I'd have to start on the medication tomorrow. So he's putting me on Letrozole, which is like clomid but supposedly has less side effects. I'll have an ultrasound on October 6th, to check the progress and see how many follicles look ready. If they seem large enough I may not need to use Ovidrel to trigger. In addition I will start OPK's on October 4th, just in case. He said it's possible that they could get large enough for me to ovulate on my own. But to plan on using Ovidrel. Then I'll go in for a single IUI. And finish off this cycle with Prometrium suppositories. Fun.

So now instead of fury, I at least feel content with our new plan. And I feel even better knowing I'll get to hang out with an amazing group of ladies from the IF community tonight. I was lucky enough to have lunch with the lovely, hilarious and talented Meg. a few weeks ago. And I'm grateful that she's invited me out to spend a little quality time with some other women who know what it's like. I could really use that tonight. Thank you so much Meg. See you soon.

Any Day Now

I'm going to keep this short and sweet. Because these waits are getting old. And I'm finding myself getting less and less caught up in the hoopla of whether or not this was my month. I just want to know either way so I can get on with my life... (Jaded much?)

I am 12dpo today. I am expecting AF within the next few days. Because I ovulated so early its really hard to pin point a day. But I would guess tomorrow or Saturday. I am feeling a few symptoms but whether they are PMS or pregnancy related, I don't know. None of them are new, or severe enough to really get my attention. And to be quite honest I really don't even want to speculate on them. I wish I felt more hopeful, but I just can't seem to muster an ounce of enthusiasm. I think I'm having such a hard time because I never thought it would take more than three cycles.

I promise I'll let you know as soon as I know anything. I also want to send out a BIG thank you for the support I've received from all of you this cycle. I'm sorry I've been so glum about the whole thing. I know how lucky I am to be cycling at all. HUGS.

Hello!

Welcome ICLWer's! Every month I am amazed that time has gone by so quickly since the last get-together... Well, I'm sure you have a lot of blog reading to do so here's the low down: My husband and I were diagnosed with Severe Male Factor, due to a Chromosomal Abnormality. After MUCH deliberation we decided to create our family through donor sperm rather than IVF w/ ICSI. I am currently 9dpo after our third attempt. So far they have all been unmedicated, and back to back IUI's. Which means we are using two vials of ds per cycle and it's getting pretty pricey so I'd like to get this show on the road already! I just use OPK's to monitor, and I've felt like our timing is pretty good. But seeings as we are more than two years into this process, to say that I am feeling a little impatient would be a tremendous understatement. If it doesn't happen this month I will definitely be moving on to medications. Clomid? Injectables??? I will obviously be having this discussion with my RE, but do you have any advice as to what I might push for? If not maybe just cross your fingers and hope that the third time is the charm for us, won't you?

I look forward to "meeting" all of you!

Well That Didn't Last Very Long...

I think I used up all my happy in that last post. That brief burst of jabbering about lucky numbers and signs was evidently the bottom of the barrel for me. Although it's seemingly more obvious now that I've reread all that four leaf clover, unicorn shit...

And I've got another confession to make. I spend more time online with the IF blogging community than I think I ought to. I say that because my social life is pretty much non existent these days. Let me first say that I have always been a homebody. I always enjoyed an intimate setting rather than a vibrant one. But it's gotten to the point where I'm leaning on you all a lot. Brian is a little concerned. He says it's all I ever talk about. He thinks my hopelessness is hindering our conception viability. He doesn't understand why I don't make much of an effort to hang out with our pregnant friends. He doesn't get why I would feel jealousy or resentment towards people we love just because they have something we don't. I wish I could help him understand. I wish he could see the guilt that comes with feeling this way. I wish he knew that I feel like it's my fault that we've lost two sets of friends, because I'm not strong enough to hide my baggage and pretend everything is okay while my girlfriends rub their swollen bellies and debate over strollers and daycare. Please don't misunderstand, Brian is a wonderful husband and for the most part very supportive. But the last few weeks have been particularly hard on us. He thinks I'm obsessed, I think he's insensitive, and the next thing you know we're fighting over dinner at California Pizza Kitchen.

We can't be the only ones who've hit these lows. Until recently I could honestly say that the challenges we've dealt with have truly made our marriage a lot stronger. I guess I need to start working harder on that. It's not fair that I have become so consumed with my feelings. Above all my marriage comes first. I hate that I've let this overtake me. But it is so difficult to ignore.

Usually around now, 6dpo, I would be feeling anxious about being that much closer to knowing our fate. But all that comes to mind is what our next protocol will be once this cycle is done... Case in point: As of today we are the proud owners of four new vials of donor sperm. I called yesterday just to check the inventory of our specific donor. Turns out it was all gone. His next batch of vials won't be released from quarantine until January. Each sample is tested for STD's, HIV and AIDS then remains in quarantine for about six months until all tests are conclusive and verified negative. When I originally ordered our first six vials in June, there were well over 25 samples in stock. Guess we have good taste. The woman I was speaking with was very kind, but I got a little upset and asked if there was some kind of waiting list I could apply for. She asked me to hold, and came back with great news. She said she was able to pull from a special inventory because I had already purchased from this donor. The most we could get was four vials, still much more than we could afford, but I had to make the decision right way because she said she wouldn't be able to guarantee they would be available next week. And if this cycle doesn't work we would be in the position of having to pick a new donor. She also told me that our donor has another pregnancy reported, so that's encouraging. At least someone is getting lucky.

As of right now I can tell you that if this cycle doesn't work I am definitely going to ask for Clomid or injectables. I can't fucking take this anymore. Bring on the drugs!

My New Lucky Number ?

Thirteen. 13. That's right. I know I babbled about the third time being the charm and all that. I still believe that too, but now I hoping that an affiliation with the number thirteen might do it. Now some view 13 as unlucky, but I personally associate it with a bakers dozen. And how could one extra Chocolate Old Fashion possibly be a bad thing??? I know it's silly to heave my faith on to a superstition, but honestly? It's all I've got. I'm hoping the multiple encounters I've had with this number in the last week might actually be fortuitous for us. It all started when Ms. B (my acupuncturist) said she thought the fact that I ovulated on CD13 was a "lucky coincidence". At first I rolled my eyes and blew it off thinking she was just trying to appease me while I was flipping out because I ovulated so early. But then the next day when we pulled up outside the clinic for our second IUI, it occurred to me that the date was Sunday, September 13th. I giggled to myself as we were getting out of the car. Then I saw this:

Fast forward a few days and I'd tell you that for the most part this cycle has really been at the back of my mind. My positive OPK came and went so fast, I barely had time to obsess over it. I only used two OPK tests. Unlike last cycle, where I blew through what seemed like a gross of CBE's. It's really been a blessing. Anyway, I hadn't thought about it again until I was on my way to work this morning and I realized we are on our 26th cycle. And what's half of 26? Yep, 13. ALRIGHT, I know that's a stretch. I know that these numbers will not dictate a pregnancy. But I am hoping against all hope that this is finally it. So if a lucky number is going to help me feel a little more hopeful I am going to stick with it. (Read:Delusional)

Okay, enough of my crazy talk... I'd like to put out a little warning about Orvidrel. A fellow blogger L from There's a Baby At the End, just had an IVF cycle ruined due to a defective vial. Her clinic was not able to retrieve any eggs because the trigger didn't work. L lists the pharmaceutical company and the Lot Number on her vials. If you have Orvidrel in your fridge, please stop by her blog to see if you have the same batch and save yourself some heartache. Or go by when you can to give her some support. Thanks folks.

Grrrrrrrrrrrr Anyone?

I've been on kind of a rage bender since CD1. The slightest of things set me off. Here is a completely unwarranted rant, all IF related mind you -via bullet point.

• My boobs are killing me. I hate that they start getting sore the day after I ovulate. Two whole weeks of sore boobs. That's 26weeks a year!!! Not only is it uncomfortable but it means I'm in my tww. Which only induces insanity and helps to notify me of impending heartache.
• Even though we ended up getting the timing right, I don't have a great feeling about this cycle... The timing was right on my last two cycles and look where that got us. AND, we had the lowest motile count we've had in the last two cycles. Only 39 Million total for both IUI's.
• I FUCKING hate Facebook. If its not a belly pic, it's finding out I wasn't invited to a Shower. Remember my "friend", who avoided me for four months then called me to tell me she was 19 weeks along? Well, it turns out she had a baby shower two weeks ago, that I wasn't invited to. I don't know that I would have gone - but it still would have been nice too have been given the choice. To be acknowledged, included. I was one of her bridesmaids for christsakes.
• The Mall sucks my ass. I was totally preoccupied this weekend and mistakenly ended up going there ON A SUNDAY. It's like a fucking Stroller Derby, and most of the "parents" leave their common sense, and courtesy in their fucking car.
• I hate knowing what pregnancy symptoms are. The last two dIUI cycles I was completely convinced I was pregnant. My symptoms were all over the place, and I just knew this had to be it. BUT NO. Here I am starting all over again. And I'm fucking getting pretty tired of it.
• Rage. I am tired of being angry, or sad. I just want to feel normal again. I want our old life back. I feel so worn out. How much longer do we have to endure this???

Fuck.

A Reprieve

Sorry it's taken so long to update. We were at the clinic long enough to have lunch and for me to read up to the part where Clare and Henry go to the Violent Femmes concert in, The Time Travelers Wife. Everybody can take a big deep breath. The ultrasound revealed one ginormous 23mm follicle. On my left side, thank you very much. WHEW! Hey, if you've never considered the actual size of a mature follicle, 25.4 mm is an inch. AN INCH. No fucking wonder I'm so uncomfortable before I ovulate. Man does that give me a new found respect for all you IVF ladies. Not that I didn't have any before, I just have a better frame of reference now. How do you all do it with multiple mature follies on each side?! I have ONE and I can feel it when I walk. Gah!

So, crisis averted. The doctor said my lining was beautiful, at a little over 9mm. He recommended going forward with the back to backs. So I'll go back in tomorrow morning for number IUI two. We had a count of 24 million motile swimmers today. Not too shabby. I called my acu lady Ms. B. She is going to make a special exception tomorrow, and open her office just for moi. That's a relief too!

Thank you all so very much for your comments and support. Sorry I was so dramatic, and that my grammar was so horrendous (with the: I'm like, and you're like, and we're all and I'm all), and that my cursing was so... profuse. But if you've read my blog before, you'd know I'm sort of a truck driver anyway.

Okay. I feel better. Holy moly, I'm exhausted. I had myself pretty wound up there. Oh crap, poor Brian. That must have been a hoot for him. Yay infertility.

Are You F'ing kidding me?!!!!!!!!!!

I got a positive OPK this morning..... THREEFUCKINGDAYSEARLY!!!!!!!!WHAT THE FUCK????!!!

I thought about testing yesterday, which was CD12 for me, but I was all NAH, should be fine- I'll just start tomorrow. So Last night around 10pm I started to feel the heaviness in my abdomen than I normally feel before I ovulate, but it was on my left side. Normally I only feel it on my right. But I brushed it off. I was like NAH it must be gas or something... So this morning I still had that heaviness and I though you know - I better test just in case. And BOOM a fucking positive Internet cheapie. And I was like NO FUCKING WAY!!!! So I managed to pee just a tiny bit more and used a CBE. Sure as shit, that little smiley is staring right back at me. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH MY BODY???!!! I was four days late last month, now this?????

So you might be wondering why I'm freaking out so much. It's just a positive OPK,you say. Your clinic is open on the weekends at your service, you say. Well normally this heaviness that I'm feeling? I get the day AFTER my positive OPK. Say I get a positive in the afternoon on say Wednesday. Thursday morning I would go in for mu IUI, then THURSDAY night I would feel the Ovulation pains, and Friday morning go back in for another IUI. SO I'm thinking I'm a day behind!!!! Dr. RAWKS told me that the pain normally preceeds the actual ovulation. So seriously. I'm thinking I'm a day behind. FUCK!!!!

I just heard back from my IUI nurse, I told her the whole situation and she agrees with me that our timing may be off. FUCK. She said they will need to do an ultrasound and if they don't find a follicle then it might be too late, and we might have to skip this cycle. FUCK!!!!

A Little Bellyaching

My Google Reader is getting heavy. She is packed to the brim with updates that measure Weeks and days. My blog roll is beginning to get a little lopsided as well. This revelation makes me both happy and sad. Happy because so many of my IF sisters dreams have finally come true. Then sad, because I'm still sitting on the sidelines. Please don't get me wrong. I am thrilled for the many, and MUCH deserved pregnancies. I'm just feeling a little left behind, which is really another way to say I'm feeling sorry for myself...

It's getting harder to imagine a BFP. It just feels really far away. I used to picture myself in the early morning hours rubbing the sleep and groggy blur out of my eyes, only to fill them again suddenly with tears of joy at the mere sight of my second line. I don't do that anymore. I've stopped imagining how the day will be. And how I'll tell Brian. It seems so foreign now. I realize I must sound unreasonably glum considering I'm only on my third cycle. But it's my blog and I can whine if I want to.

Anyway, today is CD11. I'll start doing my OPK's on Saturday. As long as my cycle behaves this month, I should go in for my next series of IUI's on Monday and Tuesday.

Hey, while I'm on a whining spree, can I just say how fucking tired I am of peeing in Dixie cups?! I never though it would be possible to despise a paper cup, but every time I lay my eyes on the enormous stack in my bathroom cabinet I literally groan out loud, like they're the equivalent of an impending root canal...

A Legacy

I cannot believe it's September. Three months ago I assumed I would be welcoming this month with open arms and a decaf Pumpkin Spice Latte. Instead my heart aches for this summers swift passing. This is the third fall I have welcomed with nothing but failed cycles behind me and the end of another year ticking away like a metronome.

I love Fall. September 1st has always been important to me, something I looked forward to. But it is especially bittersweet now that we're involved in assisted cycles, and still have nothing to show for it. I feel like this year is slipping away and our chance for a 2010 baby is going with it...

Of course I'm still hopeful in the orthodox ways. I wouldn't be doing these IUI's and acupuncture if I didn't think they would work. I just feel like it's getting harder and harder to picture our life with a baby in it. Sometimes because it's just too painful to think about, and other times I'm sort of afraid to jinx it. How sad is that? Am I really at the point where I think day dreaming might actually destroy our chance at conceiving? My superstitions, much like my optimism, have become alarmingly erratic. Oh well.

On to good thoughts. And good things. Good things that spoil my diet.

This is my Grandmother. Every September we get together to bake apple pies. Everyone has a favorite dish cooked by a family member, and in mine, it's Grandma's apple pie. My affinity for her not-so-precise recipe runs so deeply that I won't even order apple pie at restaurants. They just never taste right.

Cooking is a huge part of the connection I share with my family. We usually plan out a menu before we even have an event to prepare it for. I can't think of a better way to spend a Saturday. My Grandmother is one of the most amazing women I have ever known. She is the epitome of a matriarch. Gracious and kind, but stern when it's called for. Warm, welcoming, and always there when you're in a bind. She's 84 and will totally kick your ass at Croquette. She and my grandfather helped my dad raise my brother and I. We grew up three blocks away and spent every day after school with them until High School. We're with them every holiday, and every special occasion. They have made me into the woman I am today, and this month the family will help them celebrate their 64th wedding anniversary.

Behold, the finished product. How do you make an apple pie pretentious? Monogram it.

Out of My Hands

Raise your hand if you've been lapped by The Duggars more than once. You have GOT to be fucking kidding me.

Anyway, back to me and my bad attitude. Boo to round two!!! Third time better fucking be the charm, is all I'm sayin'. So contrary to the sad, sad picture I posted of Parker, I'm actually pretty pissed off. But the kind of pissed off that builds into sheer drive. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing I suppose, all of our laundry is done. Brian should be thrilled about that. But what do I do with this extra motivation? If motivation were enough to get me pregnant I'd be keeping pace with the Duggar's by now. The reality is I don't have any control of the outcome of my next IUI.

The moment I found out it didn't work I decided to create a new plan. I'm going to loose some weight! I proclaimed. I'll skip this cycle and shed what I can in the next six weeks! After I posted the results of my Big FAT Failure 2.0, I got a phone call from Teresa to see how I was doing. I told her I was frustrated, but that I had devised a plan. This is where she eloquently and ever-so-gently pointed out that, my "new plan" was actually my "new way of coping". I was trying to take control of something in this situation.

I had my first acupuncture appointment this morning since CD1. Ms. B looked at me with empathy and said, "Well you didn't expect to be one of those lucky bitches who gets it on the first try, did you?" I quickly reminded her that this was my second try and she succinctly blurted out "THIRD TIMES THE CHARM!" with a smile and patted the table. She'd better be right. Ms. B told me it couldn't hurt to loose a few pounds, but that my specific weight will not prevent me from getting pregnant. I don't need to skip a cycle to watch my diet, but nothing drastic. No crash diets, no death defying workout plans. I realize she is not my RE, but I still trust her opinion. So she plans to be a little more aggressive with this next cycle. I don't actually know how much more aggressive you can really be with acupuncture, but again... I trust her opinion. I'll begin a new vitamin and herbal suppliment regimen. She also doesn't think I should try a cycle with clomid, or injectables just yet. She says my body is doing the work, we're just waiting for the fireworks to happen.

Dr. RAWKS did tell us it would take up to six tries (gulp). I'm just so tired of waiting. I DON'T WANT TO WAIT ANYMORE. I've waited long enough! Haven't we all? I don't want to skip a cycle, and neither does Brian. We're going to move ahead this month. We won't be changing up the protocol much. My body is doing what it is supposed to. Now if only that fucking egg and sperm will do what it's supposed to!!!

On that note. Here is a picture that better represents Parker.

Our Monkey-dog in all of his cantankerous splendor.

Nope.

Infertility Mix Tape

I call it a "mix tape" instead of a "playlist , 'cause I'm oldschool like that. This is something I have been thinking about doing for a while. If I learned anything from my last cycle it's to KEEP BUSY. So without further adieu, I give you my IF mix tape:


1. Wouldn't It Be Nice, Beach Boys

Maybe if we think, and wish, and hope, and pray it might come true
Baby then there wouldn't be a single thing we couldn't do

2. Don't Stop, Fleetwood Mac

Why not think about times to come,
And not about the things you've done,
If life was bad to you,
Just think what tomorrow will do

Don't stop, thinking about tomorrow,
Don't stop, it'll soon be here
It'll be, better than before
Yesterday's gone, Yesterday's gone

3. Somewhere Over The Rainbow, Brother Israel

Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me

4. Patience, Guns n' Roses

If I can't have you right now, I'll wait dear
Sometimes, I get so tense
But I can't speed up the time

5. Message In A Bottle, The Police

A year has passed since I wrote my note
I should have known this right from the start
Only hope can keep me together
Love can mend your life but
Love can break your heart

6. Sabotage, Beastie Boys

'Cause what you see you might not get
And we can bet, so you don't get souped yet
Scheming on a thing that's a mirage
I'm tryin' to tell you now it's sabotage

7. Dreaming With A Broken Heart, John Mayer

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll out of bed, and down on your knees
And for a moment you can hardly breathe

8. Miracle, Foo Fighters

Everything that we've survived
It's gonna be alright, just lucky we're alive
Got no vision I've been blind
Searching everywhere, you're right there in my sights

9. Down So Long, Jewel

We've been down so long
Oh it can't be longer still
And we've been down so long
Oh the end, must be drawing near

10. Lose Yourself, Eminem

Success is my only mother fucking option, failure's not


I saved number ten for last, because it's awesome, and I'd like to dedicate that one specifically to: Wheresmy2lines, Babyattheend, Itsonlylife, Bottomsoff, Conceivethis, and Willnotworkforbaby.

Oh and in case you were wondering, I don't have a Beta scheduled and I'm not planning to test anytime soon. Well at least, I'm going to try to hold out as long as I can.... I'm 10dpo today.

All I Can Say

All I can say is that I'm 7dpo. I don't know when my period is due exactly, which is new territory for me. But I think the mystery of it is bringing me to a new level of peace about this cycle.

This cycle is a mystery in more ways than one. If you are new to my blog via ICLW (welcome!) than I should tell you that my cycles have always been right as the mail. Thirty-one days in length, I typically get a positive opk on CD14 and feel the pressure and discomfort of ovulation on CD15. The very next day, without fail, my girls start getting sore. And the countdown is well underway to AF's arrival.

After last months BFN from our very first dIUI, I began therapeutic acupuncture for the second time, since beginning to TTC. I immediately felt its benefits, from the forced relaxation. But when CD14 came around my positive OPK was no where in sight. I was extraordinarily frustrated at first, and then mystified. I was never that late. CD 21 is when my smiley face finally showed. I was still baffled but relieved to finally be able to get my IUI's out of the way and push my way into another treacherous TTW. My doctor told me I should expect AF about 12 days from my last IUI, but my normal cycle would normally be 16 days after. So I'm left with a four day gap. Oh and the other thing is, my girls are miraculously ail-free. But I guess I should chalk that up to the acupuncture. I remember the last period of time I did it, it helped immensely with all of my pms.

Last cycle, I put a ticker up for the countdown. But this time I don't know when my cycle will end, or most importantly when and if a new cycle will begin. I'm kind of enjoying the mystery. It's taken the pressure off a real countdown. Which has left me peaceful and tremendously hopeful. It's really nice. All I can say is that 7dpo is usually where the crazy starts to kick in, but damn. I feel good.

Coming Soon!

Howdy ICLWer's! Welcome to my blog. Here is a brief account of our history via bullet point:

• We began TTC in August 2007.
• Diagnosed with Severe Male Factor Infertility due to a chromosomal abnormality, in December 2008.
• After much, much, MUCH delibertion, we decided to use Donor over trying IVF w/ ICSI in March 2009.
• We are currently on our second cycle of dIUI's. Since all of my tests came back clear, our RE suggested starting with unmedicated cycles with back to back IUI's. So I go in for an IUI the morning I get a positive OPK, and then go back again the next day.
• If you'd like a more detailed description of our history you can check out my last ICLW welcome where I had a bit more time to devote to a proper introduction.

Which brings us to the current day, 5DPO. I am so ridiculously full of hope right now it's almost suicidal. I was talking to a wonderful friend the other day (hi jess!) and I was explaining how with each IUI cycle my odds of getting pregnant go up. Ex. Dr.RAWKS thinks it will take about three cycles to get me pregnant, six at most. (My vote is for two, in case you were wondering) So the closer I get to three and six, the better my odds are of finally seeing that damned errant second line on an HPT. By the way I completely embrace the fact that this theory is both semi logical and irrationally based. But I'm sticking with it! I HAVE TO. So far hope is all we've got going for us. There are days where it feels like the lines between my determination to be a mother and my infatuation with seeing a positive pregnancy test, blur and I can't decide which one I want more at the moment.

So there it is. Our story in a nutshell.

I look forward to reading all about you!

Another Round

I went in this morning for my second IUI, and spent the rest of the day being completely useless. It was just as fabulous as it sounds. Seriously, it's almost 9pm and I am just getting around to writing this... The IUI went remarkably well, a little crampier than the last ones though. Between the two IUI's we have a total of 46 motile swimmers. They tell me with a frozen sample they hope for at least 10 million per IUI, so I'm feeling good about that.

As I mentioned before, I started up acupuncture again. I am a huge advocate of acupuncture. I did it for three months last year, long before our diagnosis, and although it didn't get me pregnant (because of MFI). I did notice a lot of improvements. My pms was very noticeably minimized, my digestion was more ... regular. And my feet weren't as cold as they normally were. I was able to see a vast improvement in these things about a month into treatment. Digestion wasn't even anything I complained about- It just got better. Aside from whatever the needles physically regulate or alleviate, I think that taking the time to meditate during each appointment is beneficial in itself. I focus on my breathing, and do my best to clear my head. TTC or not, I believe it's a healthy way to nurture mind and body.

The last place I went was an old timey Chinese medicine clinic. Complete with a display of decanters filled with mysteriously celestial looking ingredients. It was a family practice, mother and son. Clean, quiet, efficient. The reason I looked elsewhere was because I was hoping to find someone that focused more on reproductive health. Which is exactly what I found. I am really happy with my new clinic. It's a small place, I think there are only two practitioners. When I first sat down with Ms. B (I don't think she is technically a doctor but she's got a boat load of credentials according to the amount of initials after her name, and certificates on the wall) I told her that I was currently undergoing unmedicated IUI's. She asked about my basic medical history, and then more specifically about my reproductive medical history. I explained that as far as we knew there weren't any issues with me, and that we were dealing with MFI so we would be using a donor. She nodded and told me that she works with a lot of patients dealing with IF, and that 3 years ago, she and her partner used donor to conceive their now two year old twin sons. I was shocked, and thrilled. Someone who'd been there. Yes it was under entirely different circumstances, but still. It felt good to know someone else who knew what I was dealing with. She is sweet, and compassionate, and warm. She says things like "You're welks" (you're welcome). And she couldn't weigh more than 97 pounds. She's funny too. I feel good when I leave there. Her confidence is a little unnerving, but I sort of like that because it's nice to hear a medical professional be hopeful.

So we have two vials left in storage. Each cycle requires two. If it doesn't work this month I will immediately order 4-6 more, providing our donor is still available. And now that I think about it even if it does work I will order more for potential siblings.

And so begins another tww. Let's hope I can sustain a little clarity throughout the next 14-16 days. I honestly don't have any idea when my period will come because I ovulated six days later than normal.

P.S. I'd like to thank Daega99. She left me an Award on her site, but her comment profile lead me to inactive blog... Daega can you send me the link to your other blog, or if anyone else knows it - can you leave a link to it? Thanks!!!