Unplugged

Though my husband would emphatically disagree, I have to say how lovely it is to exist in a place without Cell phones or News reports. To spend your day without knowing what time it is, only identifying it in segments related to meals and shut eye. It must be how my dog feels every day.

I'm sorry to say I don't have any pictures for you. I fully intended to spend a significant amount of time capturing the wilderness I spent almost every summer in during my childhood. But I just never got around to it. Productivity had no part in this trip and I'm incredibly thankful for that. I needed that. To shut down. To unplug. To eat. To laugh. To spend time with people I love. It was so nourishing. It was also however, very, very cold. Sweatshirt weather during the daytime, and beanie and parka weather at night. It most certainly dipped well into the low 30's after sunset which is not exactly something I'm used to. I realize I probably sound like a panzy because some of you live in that type of weather, but how often to you sleep outside during it?

I truly enjoy camping. The smell. The quiet. The time we get to spend with my family, it's wonderful. And something about it makes me feel like a kid again. Unfortunately that something is when I have to trek it to the bathroom in the middle of the freezing cold night. There's just something so unsettling about not being able to see further than the beam of my flashlight that I simply cannot contain while I'm up there. Then once I make it safely back to my tent I spend the next twenty minutes or so trying not to think about how easy it would be for someone or something to murder me while I lay helpless, bundled up in my sleeping bag. Some of you will either know exactly what I mean or think I am a complete nut case. But that will never change the fact that when I'm camping, I am afraid of the dark.

Getting away from the hustle and bustle of every day life has reminded me of more than just how liberating it can be to really shut things off for a few days. It's made me realize how this break from ttc has given me a piece of my life back. And I say "a piece", because I still don't feel whole. But at least it's something. A glimmer of who I was, and what I may be again someday in the future. When the noises of infertility don't invade my thoughts and dreams. When I live my day in small segments of time, instead of two week periods that seem to drag on until I realize that actually months, and years have passed.

I admit that in gaining a part of myself back, I've lost the part of me that yearns to spend so much time here. While I miss so many of you that I've come to know so well over the years, it's also a little painful. To see you move on, to see you fail, to see you waiting, like me, for when you've healed enough, saved enough to move on to the next step - whatever that may be. Being slightly removed from all the ups and downs makes me realize how difficult that world is, how consuming and demanding treatments can be. And I'm awe of the strength you each possess. And I'm reminded of the support you've all given me, and how I hope that I've been there for you as much as you've been there for me. I don't mean that to sound like I'm going anywhere, I just feel the need to clarify my absesnce from your comments and lack of posting here. It's an unfortunate struggle between wanting to know every little update in the lives I feel so invested in, and needing a little space from such an all encompassing saga. I hope that makes sense.

Checking Out

No Cell Phones.

No T.V.

No Heat.

What?! Okay there will be heat, but it will be primitive.

Me bang rocks, make fire. Oh, who am I kidding - I ordered myself a 3,000 BTU Portable Propane heater fo' sho'.

We're heading up to God's Country this weekend. Big camping trip with my family. Sleeping in the woods should be great for my back. Okay maybe not, but at least no one will be able to hear me scream. Hooray for simplicity.

As if it were even necessary to mention, my posting and commenting will be even more non existent for a bit since we won't even have much FM radio reception.

And btw, the tab that gives me the options for font is mysteriously no where to be found. Seems like the universe is helping me prepare to get by without all the fancy modern conveniences I've come to love.

Peace Out.

Injured Reserve

You may or may not have noticed that I've been MIA for the last week or so, I am sorry for that because I've missed you all, but I have a relatively good excuse. I threw my back out last week. ***Whispers in the crowd "I though she was like 31, not 72"***. I am in fact still thirty-one though I feel like I'm Seventy-two. I wish I had an awesomely heroic or acrobatic story to accompany my injury, but I don't. I was reaching for a hairbrush and BAM(!) I couldn't stand back up... (pathetic, I know)

Sadly this is not my first back injury. Those of you with medical degree's or previous back injuries are likely rolling their eyes with a simultaneous "DUH". The first injury happened almost three years ago when my uncle was dying from Colon Cancer and we had to drive six hours each way to his house because he was moving back home. I didn't lift anything particularly heavy I think it was a combination of the emotional stress from the pending loss and moving, and having two, six hour drives with in three days. My other serious relapse was stress related as well. I guess that's why this injury is so baffling. It wasn't stress related at all.

I saw my chiropractor, and he mentioned something about my Sacroiliac Joint and the ligament that wraps around it... I don't really remember the details because I was in excruciating pain and wasn't really paying attention to anything that wasn't making me feel better. I spent the next three days either flat on my back or standing, because sitting was extremely painful (which made going to the bathroom... interesting). The three days I was at home I couldn't bare to sit down in front of our desktop, and our router is busted so my laptop is somewhat useless. And by the time I've gotten home from work this week, all I want is a big glass of wine and to be flat on my back. So please forgive me, because I'm WAY behind on all your posts. I have to say though that Brian has been absolutely incredible. Sunday he went to Costco for me and came back with flowers. Then when I came home from work Monday evening the lawn had been mowed, the kitchen was spotless and he had vacuumed the entire house. (Thank you again dear!!!)

The good news is this has given me a good excuse to go see my acupuncturist, whom I love, love, LOVE. And I've seen my Chiro almost every day which has yielded significant progress. I was thrilled when he recommend acupuncture, and he was a little surprised when I told him I already had a particular office I'd being going to. Which lead to the discussion of IF, and then about how my current injury might be impacted by pregnancy (g*d willing). He said even after I'm feeling better I should come in for adjustments every few months, and that he will definitely be able to help me when I do (eventually/hopefully) get pregnant, and that I shouldn't worry about it too much.

Two other crappy parts about being sidelined by this injury is that one, I wasn't able to complete or submit my Project IF post by the deadline - which breaks my heart but I just couldn't sit in front of a computer, nor was I really in the mood to write. (If you think I'm agro here, be thankful that you've never seen me while I'm in a lot of pain) And two I'm not able to excersize AT ALL. Which is not so good when you're on the weightloss train. But, it is what is it I guess. I'm just focusing on recovering. So if you'll excuse me now, I have a CRAP LOAD of blogs that I love, to catch up on.

OH one more thing! My very good friend Jessica gave birth to her little girl last week. I am so thrilled for she and her husband and I can't wait to meet her daughter. Jess has been very supportive through my journey, and because of that she is one of the few IRL friends that has access to this blog. She also struggled a bit with PCOS so I'm even more thrilled that she's finally got her little one.

Project IF, My Part I

I promise I'm hard at work on my Project IF post, but I've got a little more work to do. In the mean time I feel it's important that I mention the significance of this week - National Infertility Awareness Week. I've been looking forward to it in a way, because I feel like this is "our week" to be a little bit more significant and get some recognition. But I also feel like a total hypocrite because I'm not completely out of the IF closet.

No one at work (outside of my close friends) knows. I've never talked about it on facebook, or any other public forum. I've also only chosen a select few of my friends to tell- and only three of them know about and have access to this blog. And at this very moment I can't think of any other reason than my deep seeded fear of divulging any kind of insecurity - which suddenly seems incredibly lame... I guess I've always been someone that held their cards close, but it feels wrong in a way now because I feel so strongly about advocacy. Yet I can't even be open in real life. Which makes me wonder if I have other friends who might be dealing with this, and like me, have just never opened up about it. What IF they don't know about this incredible blogging community? What IF they are suffering in silence?

I've been thinking about this a lot and how much I wish I could come out to ALL my friends - but I'm just not ready. I want to so badly and the post by Keiko at Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed has brought me very close to wanting to shout it from the roof tops. Please, please PLEASE go check out Keiko's post and video. Oh, and BRING TISSUES.

If you're not familiar with Project IF, please head over to Mel's to learn more and get involved. It's an incredibly significant project that I think we will all benefit from, even if only cathartically.

And just a disclaimer - I don't mean to sound disparaging to those of you who are in the closet as well. I totally understand and appreciate everyone's need for privacy. I just wish I was strong enough to come out and support those who are out as well.

Long Time, No ICLW

I've taken the last four months off ICLW because I couldn't honestly commit to getting all the commenting done. But I'm back now, and feeling better. I typically like to sum up my blog in the introductory ICLW posts, but I'm having a hard time describing my current status as anything but a loud, exaggerated fart noise.

So here's some history!

My husband and I started TTC back in the summer of ought seven. I say it all old timey like that because it literally feels like it was that long ago that our TTC journey began. And I now refer to that time as a completely different era. We were a happy-go-lucky couple that was completely clueless of the odyssey that lie ahead. I genuinely believed we would get pregnant on the first try, imagine that.

Fast forward to December 2008, we were diagnosed with severe Male Factor and told IVF w/ICSI or Donor Sperm would be our only hope. After much deliberation we chose donor because it was the most financially attainable, and because we were concerned about the implications that the severity of his diagnosis might mean for our future children.

Fast forward AGAIN to December 2009 when we had our SIXTH and final dIUI. All of them left us with straight up BFN's and a fair amount of credit card debt. My RE at the time, and the second opinion we got a month later were dumbfounded, and couldn't explain why none of the IUI's worked because my charts looked so great.

And that brings us to the present time: Infertile Purgatory. We're currently emotionally and financially tapped out - (Donor sperm is EXPENSIVE!) You can see our protocol for the IUI's in my timeline up above. Although, none of them worked so I wouldn't exactly say they were exemplary. Anyway. Back to the purgatory. We have no idea what the next step is. Possibly IVF using my husbands sperm and donor for back up, or possibly adoption... We just don't have a stinking clue, or any money to move forward anyway, so here we sit. This break is a blessing and a curse - depends on when you ask me.

At the moment I'm working on some loosing some weight. I went a smidge overboard with the comfort foods, and found myself 26.4lbs heavier than I'd like to be. I'm a Pisces. I love hockey, blogging and this IF community. I don't believe in butter or sugar substitutes. I look forward to getting to know all of you.

Not Even Close

I've entered the loneliest place in my head yet again. It's the room where everyone has it better than me, and I wonder what we've done in our past lives to deserve all this heartache.

Friday night we went to one of my husbands client's houses for dinner. They have two ADORABLE kids. The oldest, a little girl who took right to me. She made almost constant eye contact with me hoping I was paying attention to whatever she was doing at the moment, and she wore my size 11 flip flops the entire night. Later in the evening, close to her bedtime, she got upset while playing a game and she began to cry. Her mother came over to comfort her, scoping her up into her arms, and whispering softly to ease her pain and turn her tears into laughter again. After a few minutes of rocking and a reluctant smile, mom convinced her to go get her prettiest nightgown on to show me.

"Sorry about that, they just cry really easily when they get tired".

I realize now that by the look I must have had on my face she thought I was upset by the little girl's crying. But I get that, hell I cry when I'm overtired - it was witnessing such a tender moment that killed me. Watching her rock, and whisper her daughters tears away is something I ache for to the very depths of my soul. And on the way home it crushed me even more to realize I'm not even close to being able to do that. I cried myself to sleep that night, and I haven't been able to shake it since. It really feels like it's never going to happen for us.

I know this break is important for healing, but how long is it really going to be? Is it just till we have enough money to actually do something? But what's 'enough' anyway? We've been talking recently about moving on to adoption, and while I'm very open to that, it feels like the more we deliberate over our options the father away we are from taking a real step. I feel lost again.

The Ass Kicking of a Lifetime

I'm going to be completely honest with you. Jillian Michaels made me cry.

Trembling bottom lip and everything.

On Saturday I started her 30 Day Shred Workout DVD, and OH. MAI. GAHD. I have never, EVER in my entire life been so sore. Head to toe. Wince when I walk, groan while getting out of bed, because sitting up actually requires abdominal muscles that I apparently have now. Anyway, I popped in the DVD late Saturday morning and listened to her little schpeal: "I'm awesome and strong and thin and you're not; so here's what I'm going to do about it", blah, blah,blah.

And then, it started.

Forty-seven seconds into the warm up I was already panting. Christ, I thought, only 19 minutes and 13 seconds to go - I CAN DO THIS!

So I did. But not without crying about sixteen minutes, and THREE different types of crunches later.

Something you should know about me.

I'm Norwegian.

I don't sweat.

Unless I'm sick. Or apparently about to collapse from exhaustion. (Seriously though, I never even have to wear deodorant.) But half way through this DVD, I was sweating like a whore in church. Pit stains and a stomach line, drenched in sweat. Alright, so maybe I can't blame the lack of sweating on being Norwegian. Maybe it's because I've just successfully maintained an exceedingly lethargic lifestyle for the last thirty-one years.

So I've worked out with this DVD everyday for the last four days. I'm following the lowest strength level, and so far it's not any easier for me than day one. It's probably even harder because my abs and quads are so sore that their tolerance is a lot lower. It's fucking hard man. By the end of the DVD I'm completely out of breath, sweating, trembling and bellowing with each of the slightest movements. But I'm going to keep doing it. Because it's good for me.

So this is the part where I'd tell you it was all worth it right? Today is Wednesday, weigh-in day. This is where I go on and on about how it was all worth my diet, sweat, and tears. But instead I'm sort of speechless. I only lost 0.5lbs.

I worked SO hard this last week. It just doesn't make sense. I have exercised Every. Single. Day. since last Thursday, and have almost nothing to show for it. My eating was good, I stayed right within the amount of calories I'm supposed to, I don't get it. I feel so, so defeated right now.

Thankful Thursday

On a regular basis I try to stop what I'm doing and think about how lucky am, and how great my life is aside from IF. Ceejay did a post recently that reminded me it's been a while since I said those things out loud. So here it goes:

• Being on a break: As batshit crazy as that sounds, I am so incredibly thankful that we had no money therefore were forced to take this break. Okay, I'm not thankful that we don't have any money for A.R.T., but I really think this break was much needed, and so difficult to see through my BFN haze. It's really been a good thing for me, and my marriage. There is a certain freedom that comes with not knowing what cycle day you're on. Almost like being a normal person. Well "normal" is relative, but you know what I mean.


• My Husband: My husband who works so incredibly hard to keep the dollah billz flowing in even through this horrible recession. Being a small business owner is no piece of cake these days, yet somehow he's still managing to keep his shit together. Even outside of his business, he's been working incredibly hard to make things better in our marriage. The last eight months have been really challenging for us maritally speaking. Not all the time or everyday. And not to the point where either of us started making other plans. On the worst days though it seemed like not wanting a divorce, was the only thing we had in common. While we're not quite finished, I'm overjoyed to tell you that after a fair amount of couples therapy and a lot of hard work, we're doing much better. I don't mean that to sound like he was the only one who had work to do. This blog should be all the evidence you need to prove I've got my own brand of crazy. Marriage is work. And sometimes, it's a lot of work. And not something you as a couple can handle alone. Which leads me to my next bullet point.


• Therapy: Alone, together, WHATEVER. I think everyone should have a therapist. We're all a little crazy and if you think you're not, well let me tell you something: The really crazy people- don't know they're crazy. And even if you might not need it now, you should consider it someday. My final word: All ttc and no therapy makes Melissa want to climb up on to a rooftop with a semi-automatic weapon.


• Humor: If we weren't laughing, we'd be crying right? Truer words were never spoken my friends. By the way, the last two sentences in my previous bullet point WERE A JOKE, and I hope I didn't offend anyone, but come on people, you know you've been there too. I digress. What I was going to say is that I've lost count of the amount of times I've come a cross a blog post put up by some of you out there that has completely disarmed me, and left me with tears in my eyes from laughing so hard. And I'm so, so grateful to know it's out there.


• The Internet: I don't even want to think about where I'd be, had I not found this community. Endless resources, and endless support. I love the Internet.
  
• Wei.ght Wat.chers: I'm down another 0.8 lbs. Not what I hoped for, and I'm trying not to beat myself up for such a lame-o drop, but I guess it's better than gaining.


• Friends, fertile or not: Through this hardship I have learned a lot about my friends, and especially what kind of friend I want to be from now on. I've met some amazing people in the IF community. Ones that I hope to know and keep in contact with for the rest of my life. And my IRL friends, fertile as most may be. There are a select few of them that have been absolutely incredible. The awesome ones know of and have access to this blog. The rest of them can suck it. Just kidding. The rest of them just don't get it, and I won't hold that against them because I wonder what kind of friend I would have been had the situation been reversed. I like to think I would have not been a complete asshole, but you never know. Oh, and I'm not completely out of the IF closet, so some of them just don't know about our problem. Though we've been married for almost seven years, so I'm sure they're wondering. P.S. one of my very good IRL friends is going to do a guest post very soon, so stay tuned!
  

Okay, that's not EVERYTHING I'm thankful for, but those are the first few things that floated in to my teeny tiny brain....

What are you thankful for?

Accountability

I'm not sure whether to thank you all, or yell at you for letting me off the hook. What do you mean, what am I talking about?!?! I'm talking about the big fat ass of mine that I was supposed to get rid of three months ago. Remember this post, when I said I had started a diet, and already lost a few pounds, and that I'd put a ticker up shortly?! Well I never put a ticker, and I gained those few extra pounds back in one- Boston-Market-sitting. Man, I could eat their sweet potatoes EVERY. DAMN. DAY. Maybe a with a little side of Mac & cheese. Oh dude, and their Chicken Pot Pie? I'd cut a bitch for their Chicken Pot Pie... It's that good.

Annnnnd that's my problem.

I love food. So, so much. Good day or bad, it's a perfect reason to cook up something comforting. Ten minutes in my kitchen is really much harder on my diet than a half hour at a Burger King. Okay maybe that's not a fair comparison. Fried food is not my problem. I'd pick a wheel of double cream Brie over a plate of fries ANY DAY. Seriously, cheese is one of my weakest spots. Oh and Peanut Butter. I actually don't really care for, nor do I visit fast food places often. So other than my Peanut Butter and cheese habits, portions are my other problem. I'm guilty of eating when I'm not hungry, just cause it sounds good. An extra scoop of rice, so I don't have to dirty a Tupperware container? Why not.

So yes my weight has always fluctuated a bit. In the two years after we got married, I gained a good 35 pounds. It wasn't because I stopped caring - like I didn't have to try anymore because I was married. I actually call it Happy Fat. I was loving life, and cooking my way in to oblivion. Then I joined Weight Watchers and lost 45 pounds. Got back to my high school weight. And I felt really, really good. I gained a little of it back but lost it again in the spring of 2007 because we were going to try for a baby. And when it didn't happen right away things pretty much started to go down hill from there. The depression and heartache I endured was too much at some point and I turned back to food to make me happy.

But I'm ready to do something about it now. And it's not really about the way I look. It's more about the way I feel. I don't feel as good as I do when I'm eating better and exercising regularly. So last week, I started Weight Watchers. Again. And it's going alright. I think the first week is one of the toughest - for me. Getting used to planning every single meal and sticking with the smaller portions is not easy. But I drink my weight in water to avoid an empty stomach, and I stick with my motto for this point in my diet: If you're not hungry; you're not doing it right... A month from now, the portions I'm eating will be more than enough, and making the right choices won't be so difficult. I know that once I loose the amount of weight I want to, I can go back to eating cheese and peanut butter in moderation, and as long as I keep exercising regularly. I used to hate running, but now I love it. It really clears my head.

Anyway, I went in to get weighed this morning. My first week I lost 4.7 pounds at home or 2.8 pounds on the WW scale (with all my clothes on). And if you look up and to your right, you'll see my new weight loss ticker. Just to keep me in line.

Here I go...

Blogher Anyone?

When you're open with your friends about your infertility, it can sometimes negatively effect/impact those relationships. Especially when they get pregnant. You may remember the friends I mentioned who avoided us for several months, then finally called us when they couldn't hide it anymore were twenty weeks along. Then to add insult to injury I never got an invitation to her shower... It was later determined that her mother had used the address list from her wedding (Brian and I were both in the wedding party) which had our old P.O. Box listed, so I never got it. Even though we have gone to see their baby, and Brian and the husband keep in contact, our friendship has never been the same. And occasionally whilst taking stock of things, I'd feel sad about it. But as of last week I feel worse. The husband I spoke of was recently diagnosed with a pretty advanced form of Lung Cancer. He's 34.

It's shocking, and sad. And I have a lot of mixed emotions about it. Brian is taking it pretty hard. It's scary when you start to think about how short life really is, or can be. And thought of cancer has been haunting me lately. Yes, our situation with infertility sucks. But it's not life threatening. I haven't been able to complain to myself about much lately because I keep thinking - at least we're healthy. We're so lucky to be able to say that.

Then today I came across this post from A Year of Slow Cooking's blog. Her best friend' s sister has Breast Cancer. Her best friend also happens to work for a little company called Blogher, and is holding a raffle for those who donate to her sister's fund for medical bills that aren't covered by insurance. The Prize? A Full Conference Pass to the SOLD OUT 2010 Blogher Convention in New York City. Not too shabby.

I'll be the first to speak up about how much infertility sucks, but I think it's only than fair to say that Cancer sucks more.

This one time, in Georgia...

I'm going to go ahead and spoil the end of my post for you right now.

My trip was fucking awesome ya'll.

Better than I had any right to expect. Finally meeting four women in person that I have admired and have been given an immeasurable amont of support from was truly amazing. But I find myself regretful for the short amount of time I had with them. To say my trip was a whirlwind would be a gross understatement, but it was absolutely wonderful. And yes of course, I over packed for it.

Last Friday began with me rolling out of bed at 3:30am. I say "rolling out of bed", because using any other phrase would imply that I actually slept that night. I threw myself together and my wonderful husband got me to the airport by 4:30am for my 6:00am flight. Though the travel time was only about four and a half hours I could hardly sit still. Could that have been from the coffee I drank at home and mocha I guzzled at the airport lounge? Possibly, but I like to think it was out of shear anticpation of finally meeting my friends. By the way, that coffee did me no favors. Just ask the two people sitting next to me about the three separate times I had to ask them to get up out of their seats so I could scoot across the row only to wait in line again for the cramped Lavatory. (I had the window seat. DOH!)

After a fair amount of turbulence during our decent into ATL, we landed safely, and once we were given the go ahead I quickly turned on my phone and a flurry of text messages ensued. "Just landed!! WOOO HOOO". Carli and Melissa greeted me near baggage holding a cute little sign with my name on it. Gawd was I glad to see them... Jamie's flight was delayed a bit, but the time flew by as our cheery conversations rambled on. And once her flight landed we were on our way to dinner and then finally on to the house.

Carli was an exemplary hostess, she made us all feel like we really were at home. Her smile and laughter is merely an extension of her colossal heart. Carli thank you again for taking us all in. You have such a beautiful home, and it's obvious how much love and hard work you and Derek have put into it.

Another great thing about their house? THEY HAVE DOGS!!!!

How could you not LOVE these faces?! I came THISCLOSE to packing them up in my carry on.

I give you Dakota and Murphy, respectively.

Saturday morning began with fresh brewed coffee and a loaf of Cinnamon Streusel bread. Then we were off to site see at the Georgia Aquarium. Which is not just any Aquarium, but the worlds largest I'll have you know. On our way, we spotted this office:

A joke only an infertile would get.

Evidently "Cervical" is another word for your back or spine.

At 550,000 square feet (including the tanks) the aquarium did not disappoint.

This is a Wolf Eel. Fierce, huh?

And what's a tourist trap without a tacky souvenir?

We concluded our Down Town Atlanta viewing with a group photo in Centennial Olympic Park.

(Me, Jamie, Melissa, Carli)

Followed by some more adult like behavoir...

Then we went back to the house and drank.

Okay, it was actually more like this:

After a long day of walking and laughing and talking we headed to the house to make homemade pizza's. (Which by the way, came out PHENOMENAL.) That evening was probably my most favorite part of the trip. This was were we sat around and talked and learned more about each other than just the common affliction that initially brought us all together. Jamie (pictured above) is funny and clever and incredibly sincere. Melissa is kind and thoughtful and the perfect amount of silly. I really could go on and on about the intricate details that make me feel like I've known these women my entire life, but I sort of want to keep that between us. In short, they are more remarkable than I could ever describe and I feel so grateful to call them my friends.

A couple bottles of wine, a box of chocolates, a chick flick and an array of nutty Yo.utube Video's later we all settled in for bed. And before I knew it, it was Sunday morning and time for me to pack up. My ride to the airport would be arriving shortly after 10am. But this ride wasn't just some old airport shuttle, it was a friendly face. Yet another I had only ever seen online. While I have loyaly read her countless brilliant posts, and shared a few emails; meeting her in person was quite an honor. Murgdan arrived at the house promptly at 10:30. After I said my goodbye's and hugged my friends, we headed south to grab a little brunch before I had to be at the airport, and she to a shower. As we headed down Highway 85, we breezily chatted about all the fascinating infertile topics you might suspect while I lost count of the number of Waffle House signs I saw hovering above nearly every exit. And yes, she is just as funny and smart in person as you'd imagine.

Murgdan on the left, me on the right.

(this was not at a Waffle House, btw)

I know this post was extremely long and if you made this far, I owe you one. I really could write a thousand more words about this trip, and it still would not do these ladies justice. Which is the main reason it has taken me almost A WEEK to post it - I swear I've rewritten it a gajillion times. (And this is what she came up with?!) I also struggled with what the title of this post should be, my other option was "The Blogger Went Down to Georgia", but I decided on this one, which I have to give Carli credit for. She said it in one of our many emails regarding this trip.

I want to take a moment to thank all of you for your support over the last few months and even years. I wish I could spend at least a weekend with each one of you. I continue to be awestruck by the countless number of outstanding women I've met here.

And now it's time for me to apologize for my lack of commenting... Things have been REALLY crazy lately so my commenting has been uber lousy - and I'm sorry for that. I've been checking up on most of you, but not had the time to leave a note. Please know I plan to get back on track VERY soon!!!

Inconsistency

Thank you all for the birthday wishes, my weekend was better than I could have hoped for. We went to dinner Friday night, did a movie marathon Saturday during the day, then finished up by using my spa gift cards (from Christmas) to get both of us massages! Which were fantastic save one thing. My girls. O-M-F-G do my boobs hurt. Laying on my stomach while the masseuse was doing my back was borderline agony. I almost asked her to stop. I've grown accustomed to the typical cast of characters as far as my PMS goes, but it's been all over the place since dealing with meds. Namely the progesterone. Sore boobs have always been a significant symptom, they'd start getting sore the day after I ovulated, and continue that way until I got my period. But once I started the progesterone the soreness was gone... HALLELUJAH!!! I sort of welcomed all the other crappy side effects from the Prometrium because I had been spared from the two weeks of barely being able to sleep on my stomach because my girls hurt so bad... Actually the worst part was taking off my bra at the end of the day.

But now my last two cycles have been fairly strange. The first period I had after my last BFN was nine days early. And I'm fairly certain I didn't ovulate, I'm one of the freaks who can feel it, and I never had any EWCM. And I'm pretty sure I didn't ovulate in February either because again both main indicators were MIA. As was my period, which this time was nine days late. And all the while, my girls stayed silent. Until I got my period, she showed up the day after I finally gave in and tested. (No miracle BFP for us, no way, no how!) So since the day my tardy period showed up my girls have been sore. I finally ovulated on Wednesday last week and from that day on they've gotten even MORE sore - GAH! At one point Brian got so tired of hearing me complain that he barked out: "Jesus, you should go get them checked out!" As if they're sprained ankles or something... I was about to sarcastically thank him for his compassion when he quipped that it would probably suck a lot if his boys were sore for weeks at a time. Indeed, Sir.

Anyone else have anything like that? - Odd cycles and strong PMS symptoms after stopping medicated cycles?

Anyway, where was I ? Right - the weekend. So yes, I had a lovely birthday although I insisted that Brian not call it my "birthday weekend" and just call it my "me-time". I didn't really want to acknowledge it much. Thirty one - oy vey. It's not that I feel old or anything, it's just absorbing the fact that I'm not twenty-two anymore. Which in a way - thank gawd for that. But you know what I mean... Back to my "me-time" I think hands down the best part of my weekend was having Brian all to myself. He's been pretty busy with his company as of late, so it was quite the treat to steal him away. Thanks for spoiling me dear.

Georgia On My Mind

In a little over a week from now I'll be heading to Atlanta for a weekend of fun with a few incredible ladies that I've only ever spoken to online.

In September of 2008, at just over a year of trying, I made my first attempt in searching for other women who weren't pregnant after a year either and stumbled upon an online forum with a “trying to conceive over a year” board. Little did I know that this group would become my saving grace in the treacherous early stages of IF. Where everything is scary, and you feel really alone, and you don’t even know enough to know that you don’t know about the path you are about to embark on.

Carli, Des, Ellie, Jamie, Lau, Katie, Kerri, and Melissa, (I listed you in Alphabetical order because you’re all equally amazing) my cheerleaders, my rocks, my virtual tissue passers, I don’t know how to thank you all for your unwavering support. They were with me even before we started testing. I don’t think she knows this but Kerri was the one who got me to make my blog public once she shared the link to hers. Shortly after I told her about mine I began getting random comments from bloggers I'd never heard of, and suddenly I was catapulted into the IF Blogosphere. And thank G-d for that!

I’m thrilled to say that four of ladies I listed are either mothers or are soon to be, and they continue to be my inspirations that I will get there “someday, someway”. Since they are either new full time Mommies now or too far along to travel, I’m sorry to say not everyone can join us… Ellie, Lau, Katie, and Kerri, you will be sorely missed, but I hope I can meet you in person someday. Maybe in like five years everyone can meet up at Disneyland or something... (Ellie, I know you especially would be down for that!)

We’ve all taken very different paths DI, IUI, IVF, Pregnancy, Motherhood, Adoption, and a few of us are in other unique transitions. Much like with many of you in the blogosphere, regardless of each person’s status I feel a tremendous bond, and hope that things will blossom to a lifetime friendship. (And I secretly hope we’re all here bitching about out of state College tuition and Menopause in 10, 20 and even 30 years)

Anyhoo, one of the ladies I listed above is opening her home up for the few of us who can make it. So this trip is basically only costing us a plane ticket. I can tell you in all honesty, that I wouldn’t be able to make this trip otherwise. So thank you – you know who you are…

I'm sure to most of you I must seem like the cliche Social Butterfly considering how much I blather on about having met a few local bloggers, which is funny because I am normally not a very social person AT ALL. I hate going to parties, or dinners where I know I'm going to be forced to meet and socialize with new people. And "Mingling" is pretty much my worst nightmare... But there is something about meeting other people who've dealt with IF, an unspoken kinship and understanding that makes each encounter a breeze. It also makes me feel incredibly grateful to have been introduced to such an immense support system. I don't even want to think about where I'd be without the support and encouragement I've gotten from all of you!

So wish me luck on my trip. Not for the going to meet virtual strangers part, but that the Transderm Scōp patch I just got from my doctor actually works. It's supposed to prevent Vertigo and motion sickness (which I have unwillingly acquired in my old age - I'll be 31 Saturday. Boo.) Cause there's nothing like violent turbulence and vomiting to start off a good conversation with the actual stranger sitting next to you on a four and a half hour flight.

Radio Silence

I've had plenty to write about lately, but just not the urge to write. Which feels strange to me. There have been many moments over the last two plus years where I found myself suddenly overwhelmed by the urge to come here and lay it all out. Every thought. Every feeling. Leaving no detail unwritten. But lately I find that I'm less and less inclined to share. Not because I think the details of my goings on these days are any less important, but because my feelings aren't bubbling over the top anymore. This break from trying - it's starting to become more than a getaway and more like an extended leave. Don't get me wrong it's not like all the baby thoughts have magically disappeared- All the normal stuff that bothers us infertile's still stings, but the voices that echo the pain back and forth have begun to grow still, and I can hear myself think again.

It's kinda nice.

So as much as I hate to admit it our old RE was sort of right about seeing a urologist. He was a really cool Doctor, and aside from being extremely knowledgeable about IF, he was just really funny and warm, and didn't BS us. And in the middle of the appointment he stopped what he was doing and told us he hopes it happens for us soon because we're going to be great parents. It was just so sweet of him to say, he sounded so genuine it kind of caught me off guard. And then he asked Brian to turn his head and cough.

So other than concluding the appointment with information we already knew, we did at least get some reassurance about Brian's Testosterone levels, which our most recent RE told us to look into. Brian's results were on the higher side of being boarder line, but it turns out that his test was done at 1pm, when testosterone levels should be checked at 8am... So this doctor said they would more than likely be normal if we were to test again at the correct time. Which makes sense cause Brian usually has a five o'clock shadow by noon. So next we'll probably do the DNA fragmentation test with our current RE because they give a discount to those who have no IF insurance coverage.

In other news we're going to interview one more RE. He's very well established, and closer to home than our current RE, so if we like him and the cost won't be much different then it'd be nice to be so close to his office. And while I feel it's necessary to finish up some testing and check one more doctor off our list, I also think it's important that I tell you all how far away our next treatment will probably be. We haven't set a date for when we're jumping back on the ttc train, and we're not going to. Partially because of finances and partially because I am REALLY not ready. I still can't believe I feel that way, and I remember shaking my head when reading a statement like that on other blogs. I couldn't identify with not wanting to pursue treatments. But right now, I need to focus on me and Brian. I've been doing that a lot more lately and it feels SO GOOD. The clouds are slowly lifting, and I'm head over heels for my new found freedom from heartache. Yes, I still think about babies, and everything we've gone through. I still haven't gone back on Fac.ebook to avoid a pregnancy related status update. But the wait/weight is gone. I'm not going to let anxiety and frustration rule my life anymore. Until I start cycling again anyway.

More Testing?

Sweet Jesus am I glad to be able to write this post... We haven't been getting any Internet at my house for the past few days, so I ended up spending SIX HOURS straight on the phone with technical support trying to fix it. SIX HOURS. I actually cried while I was on hold. Twice. I cry really easily over sappy stuff in books and movies, but I'm not typically one to cry over stupid shit like a computer. I was so exhausted after all that I didn't even want to look at my laptop. Even after a few days. So forgive me that my commenting and posting has been so light. And on top of all that, I got lapped for the THIRD time by this "guy".

Anyway, the saga continues with "What the crap are we going to do now?". I made an appointment with a urologist for Brian, for this Friday. Like the obsessive and controlling supportive little wifey that I am, I will be attending. (Hey Teresa, can I leave early Friday?). The RE we saw recently recommend that he go see a urologist whether it was for infertility or not. Just to make sure there are no other underlying issues. Our old RE told us not to even bother... That it would be a complete waste of time... Fucker- that's just one more reason I want to punch him in the face. So we are going to make sure there are no other problems and I think I want to ask him to do a DNA Fragmentation test on another Semen Analysis. From what I understand when your fragmentation is above 30-35%, your risk of miscarriage is higher and your possibility of fertilization is lower. Something that concerns me on top of the gamble of our one time shot at IVF w/ ICSI...

But on to happier things!

I would like to announce the winner of the Eventually necklace giveaway, Drum roll please: It's Dee from Where'smy2lines!!!!! Wooo hoo!!! Dee is a rockstar veteran who is about to embark upon her seventh IVF with a brand new, and fabulous RE at her service. After reviewing all of her tests and history he has made some big changes in her diagnosis and protocol for this next round. I have every hope that Dee's eventual baby will be here before she knows it! When you get a second please stop by her blog to give her your best wishes!

Recluse

I've been slightly antisocial lately (in real life). It's actually been a conscience effort on our part to keep social engagements to a minimum, and its been really nice. We have Yoga and Therapy on separate nights during the week, and on the weekends I've been turning most invitations down. I honestly feel like I just don't have much to give in the way of friendships right now. There is a small part of me that feels bad because the people I have been turning away are largely the ones who've been very supportive to us. And I'm grateful for that. But me and my marriage come first. Brian has been working A LOT lately, so the little free time he does have - I want all to myself.

The other part I guess is that I'm starting to feel that I have less and less in common, as most of them are pregnant or have children now. I realize they are still people, still my friends outside of being Mother's and Father's, but right now that's pretty difficult to look past. They have bigger priorities then making it to a Sharks game on time, or making it to Yoga before the good spots are taken. I realize this sort of sounds like a pity party. I'm not really feeling sorry for myself, I guess it's just my lame attempt at justifying my absence.

Do any of you find yourselves keeping a low profile from your friends?

(Teresa, Jessica, (my IRL friends) I love you both, please know it's nothing personal - nothing you have done wrong. Thank you for being so understanding, and supportive. It means the world to me, and I hope I can repay your loyalty someday.)

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On a less depressing note, I received the Beautiful Blogger Award from Latebloomer, Jackiemac and Clare. Thank you ladies!

The instructions that go along with this award are as follows:

- Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
- Copy the award and place it in your blog.
- Link the person who nominated you for this award.
- Tell us 7 interesting things about you.
- Nominate 7 bloggers
- Post the links to the 7 bloggers you nominate.


Seven interesting things... What haven't I already over shared with you people? Seven more things huh? Alright:

1. I am a thoroughly fascinated by the paranormal, and have experienced a few unexplainable incidents myself.
2. I'm turning 31 in less than a month. Ugh. And go Pisces.
3. I have a crush on Paul Rudd.
4. In March I will be heading to Atlanta to meet a few ladies that I found online about a year and a half ago. They belonged to a board for women who'd been trying to conceive for over a year. These ladies were the glue that held me together, they walked me through the first steps in testing, and virtually carried me through enduring the results. I say this not to dismiss the support I've gotten from all of you, it was just before I knew you all existed. I had this blog then, but I had no idea about the IF community or even what ICLW was. Not all of them are able to be there, but I am so, SO excited to meet at least a few of them. More to come on this - I promise.
5.Thanksgiving is my favorite Holiday. I absolutely adore anything that has to do with Fall. And in the last few years I've come to like Halloween more than I care to admit.
6. Though we're starting to lean in favor of it, I am slightly terrified of IVF.
7. I really struggled coming up with seven interesting things to write about myself.

And the lovely ladies I'd like to nominate:

1. Tori at Fertility Wishes and BFP Dreams
2. RJ at Baby OCD
3. Alice at My Elusive Baby
4. Mugsy at Drive Fast. Take Chances.
5. Carli at It's Only Life
6. Jo at MoJo Working
7. Melissa at Melissa's Thoughts and Realizations

Please check out their blogs when you get a second. I promise you won't regret it!

The Root of All Evil?

No, I'm not talking about Paris Hilton. I'm talking about money, you know that thing that makes the world go 'round and heiress celebutante's videotape themselves having mindless, meaningless sex while they make an extraordinarily bad role model to underage girls who idolize them? Yes, that. I hate money. And Paris Hilton in case you didn't catch on. Dumb bitch has killer thighs though.

I digress.

I had a good session with my therapist last night. We talked a lot about money. What role it plays in our lives, and how it means something very different to everyone. What we determined is that to me; it means security. If there's money in the bank- I feel safe. I know that if something terrible were to happen, financially I would be somewhat prepared. I am a saver. Or as Brian would call it "A tightfisted Biyatch". Brian and I pool our money, there is one bank account for the two of us, and I'm really, really careful with it. We worked long and hard to get out of debt that we had accrued when we were young and stupid and didn't have a mortgage payment or even rent for that matter. But then we got married and pulled our shit together and before we bought our house we lived with my dad for 10 (very fucking long) months so that we could bank roll some dough and pay off some debt. And believe me that moving in with my dad was a HUGE sacrifice for us. I love the guy to pieces but moving back in with a parent after you're married is not exactly conducive to newlywed status.

Anyway, speaking of my dad... Money was pretty tight growing up. We lived in a nice neighborhood, but had the ugliest, and least kept house on the block. (Teresa, you can attest to that.) I think that's partially because my dad hated yard work, but mostly because what little free time and money he did have, wasn't going to be spent sweating over a flower bed just to keep up with the neighbors. And as much as I hated the weeds peering out from under the redrock in our front yard, I sort of respect that. Money didn't have much significance in our lives, and maybe that was because we didn't have any. But I never really felt like we went without either. I just knew that money was spent carefully and tucked away for important things. (Which might explain why I went a little Catholic-School-Girl on my first credit card) I earned every penny my dad ever gave me, no allowance, I had to do chores above and beyond my regular duties. Which was fine. I definitely learned the value of a dollar, and the sweet, sweet reward that came from biking my ass to the Baskin-Robins. (I have always been a whore for ice cream.)

But money came easier to me then, and not having any didn't matter like it does now. I don't mean to cry poor. We're not poor. But we do live frugally, and every penny counts. And each penny means more to me then just the numbers on a bank statement, or as of late a medical bill and credit card statement.

One of the biggest problems I have with IVF is what a huge financial risk it is. It's actually terrifying for me. Could I get the money together in a month from various family members? Yes. Would doing so go against every manor of my belief system and decimate my pride? Yes. But is a baby worth going outside of my comfort zone? HELL YES.

As evidence of my childhood, I pretty much live by the: "if you don't have the money for it, you go without". But what I discovered tonight is that that rule just shouldn't apply to having a family. I hate to think that finances has been holding us back through all of this. Not just because of a few missing zero's in our bank account, but because I haven't been able to get out of my comfort zone. To risk something I have substantial control over... I can give you reasons all fucking day long as to why we should do one treatment over the other, but I need to stop rationalizing everything. I need to find out what my heart wants.

Why is that so damn hard?

I'm sure all you number crunchers out there are wondering why I'm talking about getting the money from family as opposed saving it ourselves, when I claim to be such a penny pinching money hoarder. The problem is time. While I don't need to make a decision this month, I can't fathom waiting more than a year to move forward with another treatment. You might as well reserve my straight jacket and padded cell now, cause it wouldn't be long before what's left of my sanity jumped ship. And it's not as if we'd be getting a free ride, they would be loans that we'd most definitely pay back. God knows how long it's going to take, but we would. And while we would do it in an instant, we can't refi our house. Brian is a new small business owner and we wouldn't be able to prove his income yet.

I guess the moral to my story is that money sucks when you don't have it. And I hate that I given it so much power in our decision making process. I used to say that I couldn't handle shelling out all this money that ended up in another failed cycle. It would be so crappy to pay of debt that was all for nothing. But when I look back at three of the six dIUI's that ended up on my credit card. I don't regret them. Not one bit. Because I genuinely believed each one was going to work. The payments suck on paper, but I'm not resentful about them. Because I went against every part of my logic and followed my heart.

In my last post I talked about how my decision between dIUI and IVF with Brian changes on a daily basis, well today it's IVF.

Eventually

Thank you all for your comments on my last post. We did end up making it to our friends house, and we did give them the Sharks stuff. I wish I could say it was because I found a new source of inner strength, but the truth is I really hated the idea of putting it off any longer. I'd been dreading this visit for months now, and the thought of it looming over my head for even longer seemed a worse consequence than suffering for a single hour. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be but it still sucked ass. Seeing the baby wasn't too bad (I remembered I actually like babies) it was watching the blissful grandparents and great grandparents shine over the newest family member. Just the thought of our grandparents not being around to meet our child(ren) breaks my heart. And in a way I feel like we've failed them. Seeing my friend (the daddy) all oowey gooey over his daughter was rough too. I don't blame him though, I'm sure Brian will be the same way. (SOMEDAY) It's just hard because this should have been us- two years ago.

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We still haven't made any progress with making a decision about our next step. My opinion changes on a daily and sometimes hourly basis, but I'm doing my best not to burden Brian with each of my newest conclusions. God knows he's put up with enough of my crazy already.

The only good news is that I don't feel pressured by time or the pure ache to be cycling/doing SOMETHING. I am somewhat content with taking as much time as we need to figure out what is the best option. Which helps me find peace when I start to get too deep in to contemplation.

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Several weeks ago I was reading a post by S at Misconceptions about Conception, when she wrote about a necklace she had purchased from Et.sy. When I saw it I immediately fell in love with idea of what it represented. And at the time was in dire need for a little retail therapy...

I love this necklace. And I wear it often. I feel like everyone still in the battle should have one to wear proudly. To rub between their fingers when they walk past a pregnant woman, or visit new parents in the hospital, or dodge the "when are you having kids?" conversation.

I wish I could give one to all of you. But can't. I can only give out one. When I made this purchase before my last failed cycle I decided that I would buy two. I thought that if I finally got my BFP that month I could share this with you to say: "See? It will happen, Eventually". And if I didn't get my BFP, I knew I could still hold my head up knowing that so many of you have dealt with failures, and that you can still say: "It will happen, Eventually".

I did not get any sponsorship for this. It's just something I really want to do. I tried to come up with some really creative ways to pick a winner, but the truth is I'm just not that creative. So I'm going to do a good old fashioned drawing.

To enter, please email me with your Name and Blog address at bloggyme027 at gmail dot com. If you are the winner I will contact you via email before I post anything here, to make sure that you're okay with me posting about you. My only request is that participants are ones who are still battling IF. Please make sure your entries are in by February 15th. I will pick a winner and post about it shortly thereafter.

Good luck!

Strong Enough

We're supposed to visit some good friends this afternoon. Their baby girl is a week old today. In anticipation of her birth I bought a gift about a month ago. So that I wouldn't have to handle shopping for the gift, and enduring a visit in the same period of time. It would just be too hard. I bought her some Sharks onesies. Something I had anticipated buying for ourselves for a very, very long time. Her daddy is a big Sharks fan, and I knew how much he would appreciate it. But since the day that I got them I've wanted to return them. It feels like a purchase I should have waited to make until it was finally our turn. Like somehow buying those clothes for someone else was a resignation or an abandonment of a dream. If I decide to get them something else, I will donate the Sharks stuff.

I can't keep it here.

We're struggling with the impending visit, and at this moment debating whether it is something we can withstand at all. And it makes me feel like an awful friend. It makes me feel weaker than I know I am, and also selfish.

But today isn't just Sunday, the day we're supposed to meet our friend's new baby. It's also my second Blogiversary. And I find that I'm feeling very conflicted about it. On one hand I can't imagine my life without all of you in it. The friendships I've made here are deeply cherished and more than I ever anticipated; imperative to my well being. I'm grateful for the history it has recorded. It's a constant reminder of how amazing my husband is. I truly believe that Brian is my soul mate, and he's made me a better person in every way possible. And as horrendous as infertility is, it's made us infinitely stronger.

While I continue to feel appreciative for all those things, today I can't help but regard this place as a potent relic filled with anguish, and despair, and failure. Sometimes the thought of how much I've shared here is overwhelming, and I feel embarrassed and ashamed. And all at once sorrow when I realize how much time has actually gone by.

I don't quite know how else to say it. Today is flooded with disappointment. Disappointment that another year has gone by and we still have an empty spare bedroom. And disappointment from letting a friend down. If we don't show, I'm sure they'll forgive us, but I know this is a day I will never forget.

Crossroads

I totally meant update sooner, but I spent the entire weekend in bed with a NASTY cold. What started as a slightly stuffy nose on Friday (I have allergies, so a stuffy nose is fairly common for me), turned into a full blown head cold by Saturday. It fucking sucks. Anyway, Friday was a very long day but I will try to do my best to break down each appointment despite the fog of my head cold.

A Little Secret
I began the appointment for my pap smear by arriving 10 minutes late. I'm typically the type to get there 20 minutes early, but the recent onslaught of storms has massacred the morning commute in the bay area. Fortunately I think my tardiness only resulted in less time that I'd spend in a paper gown. When my doctor came in we chatted briefly, but before she got started on my examination she noted on my chart that I wasn't using any contraceptives. When I explained to her that I'd been trying to get pregnant for two and a half years and just wrapped up six failed dIUI's, she shook her head, and looked down at the floor as she began to tell me about the four IVF cycles she had completed several years ago. She explained that she was older when she started trying so she knew it wouldn't be easy. Her first IVF cycle resulted in a chemical pregnancy which required a D&C. Just two days after her D&C she had to go back to work and delivered four babies over the course of two days. She said she bawled after every single delivery that weekend. Her next IVF resulted in her son. The one after that was a BFN. And the one after that resulted in twins, thanks to donor eggs.

I was astonished that she was so willing share her journey with a patient, maybe she just took pity on a fallen comrade. Whatever her reason I was, and am grateful for her honesty. Anyway, the appointment ended with both of us in tears although not necessarily sad tears.

Dr. Do Little
The second appointment was with the OBGYN, and Brian joined me. I'm still not sure what to say about this guy. I left the appointment kind of shaking my head. His only saving grace is that he works somewhat closely with the honorable Dr. Zouves, and even referred to him as his "mentor". Basically he thinks my issues may be immunological, and wants to run a boatload of blood tests to prove it. Fortunately he took pity on us and our crappy insurance situation and offered to file the blood tests under "Infectious Diseases", instead of "Infertility" so that our insurance would cover it.

He never really even got in to what our plan of action would be, he just did a lot of babbling about Natural Killer Cells. Which I'm not blowing off. I just don't much about it. I was impressed when he said that since implementing the immunology practices, his miscarriage rate has gone down from 33% to 20%. I still don't know about this guy though ...

Dr. Deja Vu
Despite being 20 minutes late this doctor was pretty awesome. He went over all of our test results and explained what everything meant. He also did an u/s "off the books" since our appointment was being paid for out of pocket. We were grateful for that. He wanted to take a look at my lining and check my antra-follicle count. Just like my test results, and just like we heard before - "Everything looks great" and "There doesn't appear to be any issues"... He did however suggest that Brian go to see a urologist. If not for fertility sake, just to make sure there are no other issues. He also said this doctor could confirm/define any chromosomal issues. Which is a whole other post in and of itself.

He wrapped up the appointment by telling us our options: Injectable dIUI's with a 20% success rate at $2,500. Orrrrrrrr. IVF with Brian's sperm, with a 40% success rate at $15,000. And this is where it gets complicated.

SERIOUSLY?!
This is literally, the exact same situation we were in last January. We need to make the decision between a moderately affordable dIUI that we could do as soon as we're ready (emotionally). Or we wait for an undefinable amount of time,(possibly a year) while we save up for IVF, but we should be able to use Brian's sperm.

The main reasons we decided in dIUI before were because:

A. IVF would be very difficult on us financially (Still is)
B. We were concerned about genetic issues that could be passed on to our children. Brian may have Marfan Syndrome, (we're going to get that officially diagnosed this week) He also has two very close relatives that are mentally handicapped. *This is something we were fully aware of when we started TTC, and just decided we'd be happy to have any child we were blessed with. But when Brian's SA's came back abnormal, our concerns about what could be passed on became greater.
C.Because IVF would be so difficult financially, we were having a difficult time justifying the 40-50% success rate over the financial risk. And it would mean we'd have to wait that much longer to get this show on the road.

I'll be completely honest and say that I am pretty lost at this point. The thought of Brian being the biological father makes my heart sing. But I'm still having a hard time justifying the financial risk and the time lapse. What if we take the next year off to save for IVF, and it doesn't work? Then not only we will we be extremely heartbroken and another year into this mess, but we'll be out 15k and have nothing to show for it... Part of me feels like if we're going to gamble on 15k we should just put it towards adoption - which has an exorbitantly higher rate of us coming home with an actual child. But I just don't know...

May I just say once again, just how fucking much infertility sucks.

Three Doctors and an Infertile Walk into a Bar...

First of all, if you had today off for MLK, I hate you. Where ever you are, I hate you. I'm so exhausted and there is a big storm heading into the Bay Area. Today should have been filled with movies from the 80's and Top Ramen, and I should still be in pajama's from the night before!!!

But it wasn't. And I had to work. Meh. The only consolation is that this is still a four day work week for me. I'm taking Friday off. Not to watch movies and eat ramen. But to shop for a new RE.

My first appointment and order of business is with my GP. Time for my annual pap Smear. Fun, Fun. I was technically supposed to go in October, but I was SO sure I would be newly pregnant by then that I kept blowing it off. Yes, I know you can get a pap smear while you're pregnant, not that I need to worry about that now. Oh and I'm looking forward to the conversation with my doctor as our last one was right before we were sent to an RE. So I'll get to rehash all the goings on from the crappiest year of my life thus far. Remind me to get a mocha before I head in there, the elevation in blood sugar should keep me happy enough to refrain from gauging out my own eye's while I sit freezing in my paper gown waiting for my doctor who's always at least 25 minutes late.

Appointment deux, is with a local OBGYN, who was recommended by a friend who had a successful IUI with him. She delivered a healthy baby boy last month. I know, I know what you're thinking: An OB? Not an RE?! Has she gone quietly mad?! I assure you that when I go, it will most definitely not be quietly, and you'll all be the first to know. So this OB does a lot of the standard practices for IUI's that my RE would have, only this guys waiting room is not overlooking Alcatraz and the Bay Bridge. He maintains a practice outside of the hospital, and has fantastic reviews from my friend who's a mom because of him, and from the local physician's websites I found. I called a few weeks ago to ask if they would be able to work with donor sperm, and got the head Nurse Practitioner on the phone. She must have spent a good 20-30 minutes on the phone discussing my history, and how tough infertility can be. And how she was sorry I had to go through all this.

When Brian suggested we go see this Doctor, I totally blew him off. I was like: "Why would we go waste our time and money with a regular ol' doctor? We should be seeing a specialist". But my chat with the NP completely disarmed me. She was eloquent, and very kind and extremely inquisitive about the variables of my cycle. She asked if they had done any other testing after my multiple failed cycles. Such as looking for a clotting disorder, or polyps. The testing she was asking me about makes me think that we have been doing everything wrong from the beginning and I'm starting to freak out about it.

Fuck I hate the testing phase, I know it's exciting to get answers, but I went through this before, and I'm terrified that something major could have been missed.

My third and final appointment is at a very prestigious hospital with a very reputable RE, that came highly recommended by two of my IF buddies. (Thank you Lau and Nikki) I feel very confident about this doctor, and also pretty intimidated.

I'm starting to seriously panic about these appointments. I'm afraid that these doctors are going to question everything we've done up to this point. That they'll tell us the IUI's were a waste of time, and that we never had to do donor. I've always felt very well informed on our situation but now I'm literally questioning everything. Ugh, Friday suddenly feels very far away.

Lastly I'd like to thank you all for your incredibly thoughtful and reassuring comments on my last post. I was really concerned about alienating anyone - especially people I care about. I'm grateful that so many of you shared that you had felt the same way at one point or another. And I'm grateful to be reminded yet again, that I am in no way alone in all this. Hugs.