Strong Enough

We're supposed to visit some good friends this afternoon. Their baby girl is a week old today. In anticipation of her birth I bought a gift about a month ago. So that I wouldn't have to handle shopping for the gift, and enduring a visit in the same period of time. It would just be too hard. I bought her some Sharks onesies. Something I had anticipated buying for ourselves for a very, very long time. Her daddy is a big Sharks fan, and I knew how much he would appreciate it. But since the day that I got them I've wanted to return them. It feels like a purchase I should have waited to make until it was finally our turn. Like somehow buying those clothes for someone else was a resignation or an abandonment of a dream. If I decide to get them something else, I will donate the Sharks stuff.

I can't keep it here.

We're struggling with the impending visit, and at this moment debating whether it is something we can withstand at all. And it makes me feel like an awful friend. It makes me feel weaker than I know I am, and also selfish.

But today isn't just Sunday, the day we're supposed to meet our friend's new baby. It's also my second Blogiversary. And I find that I'm feeling very conflicted about it. On one hand I can't imagine my life without all of you in it. The friendships I've made here are deeply cherished and more than I ever anticipated; imperative to my well being. I'm grateful for the history it has recorded. It's a constant reminder of how amazing my husband is. I truly believe that Brian is my soul mate, and he's made me a better person in every way possible. And as horrendous as infertility is, it's made us infinitely stronger.

While I continue to feel appreciative for all those things, today I can't help but regard this place as a potent relic filled with anguish, and despair, and failure. Sometimes the thought of how much I've shared here is overwhelming, and I feel embarrassed and ashamed. And all at once sorrow when I realize how much time has actually gone by.

I don't quite know how else to say it. Today is flooded with disappointment. Disappointment that another year has gone by and we still have an empty spare bedroom. And disappointment from letting a friend down. If we don't show, I'm sure they'll forgive us, but I know this is a day I will never forget.

Crossroads

I totally meant update sooner, but I spent the entire weekend in bed with a NASTY cold. What started as a slightly stuffy nose on Friday (I have allergies, so a stuffy nose is fairly common for me), turned into a full blown head cold by Saturday. It fucking sucks. Anyway, Friday was a very long day but I will try to do my best to break down each appointment despite the fog of my head cold.

A Little Secret
I began the appointment for my pap smear by arriving 10 minutes late. I'm typically the type to get there 20 minutes early, but the recent onslaught of storms has massacred the morning commute in the bay area. Fortunately I think my tardiness only resulted in less time that I'd spend in a paper gown. When my doctor came in we chatted briefly, but before she got started on my examination she noted on my chart that I wasn't using any contraceptives. When I explained to her that I'd been trying to get pregnant for two and a half years and just wrapped up six failed dIUI's, she shook her head, and looked down at the floor as she began to tell me about the four IVF cycles she had completed several years ago. She explained that she was older when she started trying so she knew it wouldn't be easy. Her first IVF cycle resulted in a chemical pregnancy which required a D&C. Just two days after her D&C she had to go back to work and delivered four babies over the course of two days. She said she bawled after every single delivery that weekend. Her next IVF resulted in her son. The one after that was a BFN. And the one after that resulted in twins, thanks to donor eggs.

I was astonished that she was so willing share her journey with a patient, maybe she just took pity on a fallen comrade. Whatever her reason I was, and am grateful for her honesty. Anyway, the appointment ended with both of us in tears although not necessarily sad tears.

Dr. Do Little
The second appointment was with the OBGYN, and Brian joined me. I'm still not sure what to say about this guy. I left the appointment kind of shaking my head. His only saving grace is that he works somewhat closely with the honorable Dr. Zouves, and even referred to him as his "mentor". Basically he thinks my issues may be immunological, and wants to run a boatload of blood tests to prove it. Fortunately he took pity on us and our crappy insurance situation and offered to file the blood tests under "Infectious Diseases", instead of "Infertility" so that our insurance would cover it.

He never really even got in to what our plan of action would be, he just did a lot of babbling about Natural Killer Cells. Which I'm not blowing off. I just don't much about it. I was impressed when he said that since implementing the immunology practices, his miscarriage rate has gone down from 33% to 20%. I still don't know about this guy though ...

Dr. Deja Vu
Despite being 20 minutes late this doctor was pretty awesome. He went over all of our test results and explained what everything meant. He also did an u/s "off the books" since our appointment was being paid for out of pocket. We were grateful for that. He wanted to take a look at my lining and check my antra-follicle count. Just like my test results, and just like we heard before - "Everything looks great" and "There doesn't appear to be any issues"... He did however suggest that Brian go to see a urologist. If not for fertility sake, just to make sure there are no other issues. He also said this doctor could confirm/define any chromosomal issues. Which is a whole other post in and of itself.

He wrapped up the appointment by telling us our options: Injectable dIUI's with a 20% success rate at $2,500. Orrrrrrrr. IVF with Brian's sperm, with a 40% success rate at $15,000. And this is where it gets complicated.

SERIOUSLY?!
This is literally, the exact same situation we were in last January. We need to make the decision between a moderately affordable dIUI that we could do as soon as we're ready (emotionally). Or we wait for an undefinable amount of time,(possibly a year) while we save up for IVF, but we should be able to use Brian's sperm.

The main reasons we decided in dIUI before were because:

A. IVF would be very difficult on us financially (Still is)
B. We were concerned about genetic issues that could be passed on to our children. Brian may have Marfan Syndrome, (we're going to get that officially diagnosed this week) He also has two very close relatives that are mentally handicapped. *This is something we were fully aware of when we started TTC, and just decided we'd be happy to have any child we were blessed with. But when Brian's SA's came back abnormal, our concerns about what could be passed on became greater.
C.Because IVF would be so difficult financially, we were having a difficult time justifying the 40-50% success rate over the financial risk. And it would mean we'd have to wait that much longer to get this show on the road.

I'll be completely honest and say that I am pretty lost at this point. The thought of Brian being the biological father makes my heart sing. But I'm still having a hard time justifying the financial risk and the time lapse. What if we take the next year off to save for IVF, and it doesn't work? Then not only we will we be extremely heartbroken and another year into this mess, but we'll be out 15k and have nothing to show for it... Part of me feels like if we're going to gamble on 15k we should just put it towards adoption - which has an exorbitantly higher rate of us coming home with an actual child. But I just don't know...

May I just say once again, just how fucking much infertility sucks.

Three Doctors and an Infertile Walk into a Bar...

First of all, if you had today off for MLK, I hate you. Where ever you are, I hate you. I'm so exhausted and there is a big storm heading into the Bay Area. Today should have been filled with movies from the 80's and Top Ramen, and I should still be in pajama's from the night before!!!

But it wasn't. And I had to work. Meh. The only consolation is that this is still a four day work week for me. I'm taking Friday off. Not to watch movies and eat ramen. But to shop for a new RE.

My first appointment and order of business is with my GP. Time for my annual pap Smear. Fun, Fun. I was technically supposed to go in October, but I was SO sure I would be newly pregnant by then that I kept blowing it off. Yes, I know you can get a pap smear while you're pregnant, not that I need to worry about that now. Oh and I'm looking forward to the conversation with my doctor as our last one was right before we were sent to an RE. So I'll get to rehash all the goings on from the crappiest year of my life thus far. Remind me to get a mocha before I head in there, the elevation in blood sugar should keep me happy enough to refrain from gauging out my own eye's while I sit freezing in my paper gown waiting for my doctor who's always at least 25 minutes late.

Appointment deux, is with a local OBGYN, who was recommended by a friend who had a successful IUI with him. She delivered a healthy baby boy last month. I know, I know what you're thinking: An OB? Not an RE?! Has she gone quietly mad?! I assure you that when I go, it will most definitely not be quietly, and you'll all be the first to know. So this OB does a lot of the standard practices for IUI's that my RE would have, only this guys waiting room is not overlooking Alcatraz and the Bay Bridge. He maintains a practice outside of the hospital, and has fantastic reviews from my friend who's a mom because of him, and from the local physician's websites I found. I called a few weeks ago to ask if they would be able to work with donor sperm, and got the head Nurse Practitioner on the phone. She must have spent a good 20-30 minutes on the phone discussing my history, and how tough infertility can be. And how she was sorry I had to go through all this.

When Brian suggested we go see this Doctor, I totally blew him off. I was like: "Why would we go waste our time and money with a regular ol' doctor? We should be seeing a specialist". But my chat with the NP completely disarmed me. She was eloquent, and very kind and extremely inquisitive about the variables of my cycle. She asked if they had done any other testing after my multiple failed cycles. Such as looking for a clotting disorder, or polyps. The testing she was asking me about makes me think that we have been doing everything wrong from the beginning and I'm starting to freak out about it.

Fuck I hate the testing phase, I know it's exciting to get answers, but I went through this before, and I'm terrified that something major could have been missed.

My third and final appointment is at a very prestigious hospital with a very reputable RE, that came highly recommended by two of my IF buddies. (Thank you Lau and Nikki) I feel very confident about this doctor, and also pretty intimidated.

I'm starting to seriously panic about these appointments. I'm afraid that these doctors are going to question everything we've done up to this point. That they'll tell us the IUI's were a waste of time, and that we never had to do donor. I've always felt very well informed on our situation but now I'm literally questioning everything. Ugh, Friday suddenly feels very far away.

Lastly I'd like to thank you all for your incredibly thoughtful and reassuring comments on my last post. I was really concerned about alienating anyone - especially people I care about. I'm grateful that so many of you shared that you had felt the same way at one point or another. And I'm grateful to be reminded yet again, that I am in no way alone in all this. Hugs.

Happy Time: O-V-E-R

I've been away from Fac.ebook for several months now, I'm sure you can all figure out why. Only popping in to accept a friend request or return a message. Until last week when I peeked with one eye open at my home page to see what some friends where up to. I was pleasantly surprised to see only the mundane mentionings of the coming weekend, and a picture of a new tattoo.

Then silly me, thinking that the water would be safe, I stuck a toe in this morning only to be greeted by TWO pregnancy announcements!!!! WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?!?! I swear that place isn't going to be safe for me until I'm in menopause... And who knows if even then I'll be okay with it... Who can say how long IF will really stay with you. As of right now I can honestly say that I feel as though I am forever changed. I don't really think that pregnancy announcements will always sting as much as they do now, but I wonder how they will feel ten years from now, or even five. Will I still feel resentment for those who get pregnant easily?

And I have a confession to make... Lately I've started to feel a sting from announcements within the IF community... But it's not resentment. Those pregnancies, were hard won and I'm proud of the ladies who fought and finally won their battle. It's just that their happy news reminds me of what I'm still missing... And the longer I find myself sitting on the sidelines, the harder it is to keep sincerely cheering everyone else on. Ugh, I really hate admitting that, and I'm truly sorry if it hurts any ones feelings - that is most certainly not my intention. I feel like a complete asshole saying that, but I know if there's anywhere I can be 100% honest, it's here.

I really don't want those two announcements to bring me down, but damn it. I was hoping that being on a break would soften the blow of any news I got, because I wouldn't be knee deep in treatments or a tww. But they still suck just as much...

Okay. ENOUGH whining. Back to having some semblence of a normal life. I liked it a lot better that way. Being sad sucks.

No Refunds

I went in to the Blood Centers of the Pacific this morning for my first donation of Whole Blood. The appointment moved rather quickly once I got through the paperwork. They took my blood pressure, checked my iron and sent me over to the comfy lounge chairs where I began my donation. I barely got situated and into my book before the delicate chimes began and they told me I was all done. I couldn't believe how quickly it was all over. They asked me to stay in the chair for a few minutes and then escorted me to the cafeteria area. I had my choice of several juices, and a basket full of high calorie sugary and salty treats. I picked up my book where I had left off when suddenly, I noticed the lights dimming. I mentioned to the girl next to me that I was feeling a little light headed and the next thing I know there were four people in lab coats standing over me, calling my name, and placing cold compresses on my neck and forehead.

Literally the last thing I remember was struggling to tell a stranger I wasn't feeling well, and the stranger telling me she'd see if she could get somebody. Apparently when she came back, she and a lab tech found me slumped over in my chair still holding my cup of juice. (Thank god I didn't fall out of my chair and crack my skull open or something!) So they pulled me out of my chair and laid me down on the floor. Once I came to they helped me remove my jacket as I was sweating profusely. While I laid there, staring into the florescent lighting I watched people silently scurrying around me. Turning on a portable fan, to help with my sweating. Setting up a privacy screen, which I sort of think was more to shield me from scaring off other new donors, rather than to save what was left of my pride. They took my blood pressure again, which apparently was disturbingly lower than when I came in.

I laid there for almost an hour while they continued to check my blood pressure every 15 minutes. The one tech who stayed with me was very kind, but needlessly honest. When I was finally lucid enough to begin feeling embarrassed I asked him if my incident happened often and he didn't hesitate to tell me no. That in fact it didn't happen very often at all. Just then another donor poked his head in and told me he threw up in his own lap after his first donation, which he thought was much more embarrassing than passing out in a chair. Although I have to agree with him, it was not so easy to accept while I was still laying on the checkered linoleum.

After some questioning it was determined that I had not drank or eaten enough before I came in. As well as the fact that my donation went faster than it should have. Probably because I was a little nervous. They said they like to see a pint withdrawn in about 7 - 10 minutes. Mine only took four. Just an unfortunate combination of circumstances, I suppose.

They finally were able to get me to sit up enough so they could transfer me to a bench I could lay down on. Shortly after that someone called Brian to come pick me up. There was no way they were going to let me drive home, and I wasn't about to disagree with them. When Brian came in, he looked down and smiled and asked the tech how many gallons they took. He told him it was just the one pint, but that they didn't offer refunds. Deposits only, he said smiling and cautiously laughing.

They helped Brian walk me and my things out to his truck, and told him to take me across the street to IN and OUT to get some fries with extra salt and a milk shake. They asked me to eat frequently for the rest of the day, especially foods rich and salt and to drink plenty of liquids, like water and juice.

I spent the rest of the day in bed, watching movies and debating whether or not I would blog about my fun filled day. I decided that it would be best to post about it so that anyone else who might be considering donating, would know to gorge themselves before heading off to a clinic. Even if the moron receptionist they spoke to a week before said there was nothing in particular they needed to do to prepare before coming in to donate for the very first time, EVER.

I'm Late

For International Blog Delurking Week.

What did you think was late? My period?! BWAAAHAHAAHA!!!

Sheooooot I don't even know what cycle day I'm on, but I know it's way too early to see that bitch! You've just entered TTC vacation territory friend, and let me tell you the water is warmer than my belly after a lovely glass of Vodka neat.

Follow me, I'll give you the nickel tour... On my left we have a Yoga class where I won't have to worry about squishing or distressing a potential fetus. Followed by books that have nothing to do with infertility or trying to get pregnant. After that there is a glass, and sometimes even a half a bottle of wine. Red or White. Depends on what I'm cooking. Then on my right, we have a modest amount of soft cheeses, (cause I'm trying to watch my girlish figure) but dayum I forgot how good Feta tastes on a salad. And the grand finale of: Idon'thavetaplantherestofmymontharoundpoppingpillsorgettingintostirrups.

So far this break is going SO much better than I had anticipated. Every day I feel better and better. I've really been able to focus in on everything I enjoyed before my life was consumed by Infertility. You might remember the list I created a few weeks ago when I talked about the things I would do to better myself if I had to take a break? Well I'm proud to say that I have made a reasonable dent in that list.

1. Donate Blood: I'm going in on Saturday. I'm O+.

2. Lose some weight: Already going well, I've lost about three pounds to date. I'll be putting up a ticker shortly to help keep myself motivated.

3. Try Yoga. Started on Monday - it's great. Would you believe that Brian is doing the class with me? I really think it's going to be great for him as well.

4. Mend my broken heart. She's getting there. Today is probably the best one so far. Not for any particular reason. I just feel good. But I am completely aware that I still have a very long road ahead of me.

5. Read More. I have three new books, and three that have been at my house for MONTHS that I never got around too. I've started one, so I'm going to do my best to get as far as I can this weekend. I'm a sloooooooow reader, so I know I won't be able to finish it by Monday.

So anyway, back to the topic at hand. Delurking. We're all guilty of it. Please give me a little wave just to let me know you're there. You don't have to leave a monologue, just a simple "present" will do. Or you can recommend another book for me to read.

And I promise to do some delurking as well.

A Reevaluation

It's amazing what a single conversation can do. How is it that being presented with a simple question, can suddenly change your outlook or assessment of something you felt so strongly about before? This morning I was lucky enough to meet up with the lovely and ever genuine Hillary, at Making Me Mom. She was in town for the holiday weekend and was gracious enough to squeeze in a coffee with me. (Umm by the way, Starbucks is no longer serving the Carmel Brulee Latte. - I know! I almost cried.)

There is such a unique feeling when you meet another IF blogger. Here is this person whom you've never met, but share a life altering circumstance with. So particular is this condition, that it seems only the people afflicted by it can understand where you're coming from. Cultures, religion, or diagnosis have no bearing on this bond you've discovered. The conversations are easy, (once you get passed the meeting-a-complete-stranger jitters. Maybe that's just me though) and there is little space between each thought or sentence.

Shortly into our meeting, Hillary asked me what my thoughts and feelings were about 2009, 2010 and the year ahead. (Since she's out of town she hadn't been able to catch my recent disparaging, and profanity laden post about last year. That's probably a not a bad thing though.) It's sounds like a relatively simple question, but the answer honestly stumped me. I'd been spending so much time resenting 2009, that I forgotten to look ahead at what might be. Don't get me wrong, I'm still pretty pissed about 2009, but having to discuss it in a civilized conversation made me realize that not all of last year sucked. My husband started his own business, which is something we'd been working towards for a very long time. It's exciting and terrifying all wrapped in to one. I was in the room when my best friend's baby was born, that was pretty incredible. We've seen a few really good concerts (which is very important to me)... Other than that whole not getting pregnant part- life was just life, and truly - not all that terrible. It wasn't as if I had wasted any time; things just didn't work out like we'd hoped they would. Do I wish we had been a leeeettle more aggressive with treatments? Hell to the Y-E-S. But I don't think we did anything really wrong with them...

And as for 2010, well right now, I'm feeling pretty hopeful. Maybe it's because I haven't looked much passed my Yahoo horoscope. Or maybe because it's only January 2nd, and there hasn't been anything to screw it up. But I'm going to break precedence and therefore my first order of business will not be to obsessively plan out the next six months in terms of cycles and finances (Brian is probably jumping up and down right now), but to enjoy the things I used to do before trying to make a baby took over. Cooking, listening to music, and just being my husbands wife. I need to find me again. And I feel lucky that I have the good sense to do so. You see, receiving that gift from our friends has taken a large part of the uncertainty out of how we will approach our next round of treatments. Now we can move forward when we're ready, not when we finally have some money. It's such a HUGE relief to know we won't be held back because of our finances. That check is so much more than a few extra zero's in a bank account. It took the pressure off of when our next round will begin. And I feel so incredibly lucky and grateful to be able to say that.

So thank you Hillary, for helping me see what's really important. Here's to 2010, May it not suck like last year. May a little hope go a long way, and help to bring each of us our hearts desire.

2009 Can Suck It

Fuck you, you fucking piece of shit. I thought we had an agreement.

YOU were going to be nicer than 2008. Fucker.

I HATE YOU, and I'm so glad I'll never EVER have to see you again.

Whew, I feel better. I think I'm all done being Angry for a while. Dude, even my Horoscope admits things have been crappy for the last couple of years. Check this out:

Year 2010 Overview

Okay, pause for a moment and check your pulse. Still there? Good. That means you survived the last couple of years with both Saturn and Pluto in less-than-perfect places for you. And by "less than perfect," I mean "LOUSY." Good News! Both of astrology's heavyweights have moved on to more constructive places for you. Now is the time to take that famous Pisces sensitivity (still in tact from the challenges of the last while) and put it to work making your life a happier and more comfortable place.

You'll be receiving a lot more attention from others in 2010: loved ones, family, and co-workers will all be drawn to you at times like moths to a flame. And as a result of the last couple of years worth of hassle, you'll be a stronger person with better judgement, and much better able to handle the influx. Enjoy your new position at the center of your own social circle! One more noteworthy change from the previous year: Jupiter will be in your sign for most of the year, giving you new found sense of optimism and happiness no matter how they turn out. You'll be feeling expansive, but be careful not to expand too much -- this transit also comes with a more than usual weight gain. There will be a renewed emphasis on health, fitness and personal well being in the spring -- take advantage of that. Then again, maybe you deserve the break. What's a pound or two compared to real happiness?

That weight gain reference best be stemming from a successful pregnancy. Pluto and Saturn at least owe me that.. Sonsabitches. Besides I start my Yoga class Monday.

I got that Horoscope from here. In case any of you are into Chinese astrology, I'm a sheep (or goat). I'd love to hear more good news if you come across it. =)

Happy New Year Folks!

The Unexpected

So I think it's fair to say Christmas was definitely a low point for me. I'm a little embarrassed about my post because it was so raw, but I don't under any circumstance, regret it. That's how I felt in that very moment. And as much as I wish I didn't have to hurt so much, it is was it is. I do want to thank you all for your incredibly thoughtful and supportive comments. I wish I could properly express just how very much they mean to me.

I've felt a lot better since writing that post. I've been able to really see how beneficial this break is going to be for me and Brian. I'm looking forward to not having any monitoring appointments or popping any pills- orally or otherwise. I'm also looking forward to a consistent flow of wine. And rebelling against everything I've felt as an infertile, I'm finding a sort of peace in knowing that any twinge I feel below means nothing. No wondering how many follicles I'll get, or having a two week wait to endure. I'm learning to let it all go. I don't know where this sense of calm came from. But I could tell it was real because I wasn't worried anymore about how soon we'd be able to cycle again. And I knew that even if we had the money I wouldn't want to cycle this month. Or even the month after that. And yes the fact that we're in between RE's effects whether or not we're doing treatments. But I feel like that is just another reason to support this break. My sense of peace and acceptance of this hiatus is pretty unexpected. I was sort of prepared to be tortured by knowing I wouldn't have any of the things that I just listed. But for some reason I just felt like I was going to be okay.

I can honestly say that a lot things that happened to us this year were unexpected. Choosing to use Donor Insemination to start our family. The support I've found in the IF blogosphere. Six failed IUI cycles. Okay I'll admit that I always knew the failed cycles were a possibility, but definitely not six of them in a row. Another thing I didn't see coming was the incredible generosity we would encounter sometimes from unlikely sources.

I don't often talk about my childhood, but I feel like there are a few things in my past that are relevant to the rest of this post. My parents divorced when I was four, and my dad got custody of my brother and I. My best friend Teresa and her family lived down the street from me for most of my life, and I always thought of myself as part of their family. Teresa's mother is one of the warmest, and most genuine women you could ever hope to meet. And she's always been like a mother to me. Of course her father is wonderful too. He's an amazing man, and love him to pieces. I just have so much respect for them. They live a very honest life, and I think they raised a couple of amazing children. I haven't ever really talked to them directly about our situation, mostly because the times that I see them are in very social situations and just inappropriate for the setting. But I knew that they knew, and in passing her mom told me she was praying for us. Which I was grateful for. There was always a sort of advocacy in her eyes, an unspoken vow of support that was clear as day when ever she kissed me hello. But when she and her husband came to my office yesterday, and pulled me into a private room, I had no idea what they were about to do. They started by telling me how much they love Brian and I, and how badly they want to see us succeed at starting a family. And while they were doing that, "mom" reached into her purse, pulled out an envelope, and slid it across the table to me. While their generosity is no surprise, this gesture was thoroughly unexpected. I won't say how much it was, but I'll tell you it's more than enough to get a good start on our next cycle. We fully intend to pay them back, and while they said they weren't expecting it, we feel it's something we must do. Not because of the monetary value alone, but based on the principal of repaying their generosity. They've already done so much for me, in so many ways. I'm just overwhelmed by their compassion and kindness.

Then today, while still riding the high of yesterdays surprise, I got a call from Brian while I was at work. The type of work he does involves working closely with people in their homes. One of his most recent clients, is a lesbian couple who used donor insemination to start their family. Brian is an incredibly open person, and has had more than one conversation with them about our struggles, which I was well aware of. But imagine my surprise when he called to tell me that they had offered us their remainder vials. Now there is A LOT involved in considering their offer, but again I feel overwhelmed at the gesture of their generosity. Not only is that a gift worth a lot of money, but we could potentially share a genetic link with their children... That is a big gift, and a huge leap of faith.

I just don't know what to say. I'm so very overwhelmed by the recent gifts that we have been offered. I hardly know how to express my love, and gratitude... I feel so, so lucky. This is all just so unexpected. If for some reason I don't sound appropriately grateful it's because I am still in shock. Actually,"in shock" doesn't even begin to cover it.

The Longest Day

Well, *deep breath* we made it through Christmas Day, and we're home now. I've been dreading today all month. What was once one of my favorite holidays, is now only a painful reminder that we're still only a family of two. And my heart aches so badly for more. I love both of our families, but I would have been so much happier lying in bed all day instead of having to put on a happy face. Pretending that everything is okay, that there's no gaping hole in my chest, that watching happy movies doesn't make me sad because there's a happy family buried somewhere in the plot, and it only reminds me of what we're missing.

We made it to both of our planned destinations, but not once did I stop thinking about bolting out the front door. I wanted to run away. To bury my face in Brian's chest and open my eyes when it was all over, and safe to be sad again. I don't want smile. I want to grieve the time that we lost this year, and all the failed cycles we had. I'm just so tired. I want to go to sleep and wake up when it's time to cycle again. So I'll have had a break, but not actually have to experience it. And I won't have to remember that yet again, there's no chance for us this month. I'm so tired.

Because One Wasn't Enough

I got to see another negative pregnancy test this morning.

You see, AF still hasn't shown. I stopped my progesterone on Saturday; for the last two cycles it only took her a day and a half to show. And I've still been experiencing those mysterious cramps, only to a higher degree. My lower back cramps actually woke me up the night before. Because they were so persistent, and so intense, on top of the fact that I rarely ever have them AND my period was still MIA, gave me the tiniest glimmer of hope. What if I'm one of those weird phenomenons who don't get a positive test at 14dpiui, or what if the test was faulty??? I thought. When I should have known better that her absence was yet another cruel joke.

Last night during my brief spell of hope, I battered myself with the what ifs. I chastised myself for drinking caffeine, and alcohol before AF actually showed as proof that this cycle was a bust. Again. But alas it was all for nothing. AGAIN. I don't have to refer to Drgoogle to find out what happens when if you stop taking your progesterone in early pregnancy. I'll continue to wear a panty liner, and expect her appearance each time I head to the ladies room. Gosh if I'm lucky she'll show up on Friday.

MERRY CHRISTMAS Melissa!

Love,

Your empty uterus.

Over and Out

I really don't even know where to begin. Welcome ICLWer's. I guess that's a start. We just finished our 6th dIUI cycle, with not one single positive test to show for it. The first three cycles were natural. The last three were with Letrozole/Femara and Prometrium. I'm truly shocked that this last one didn't work. Although the timing wasn't perfect I'd had some really significant cramping about four days before I tested and was fairly convinced it was from implantation - because I rarely ever have cramps, maybe once or twice a year. So not only were my hopes incredibly high from having a new/different symptom, but there was a lot riding on it because this was our last chance for a 2010 baby. Since we've been cycling for much longer than we anticipated, it's cost us much more than we were prepared for (financially and otherwise). And now we're forced to take a break to pay off some debt and save up for the next round.

Initially I was devastated at the thought of not being able to cycle, but with this last blow I find myself exhausted and looking forward to a lull. I can't believe I'm saying that but it's true. I'm just so tired of all this. Six months of cycling is a lot, and it's taken it's toll - on my mind, my body and my marriage. While I'm looking forward to taking the next few months to reconnect with my husband, and myself. In the back of my mind I'm still heartbroken at the idea of knowing my chances of getting pregnant in the next few months are less than 1%. Please don't give me any miracle stories, I'm just not up for it.

I'm sorry this post is such a downer and not typical of the welcome I prefer to give to during ICLW, but it's all I could muster. Hopefully if you make it by next month I'll be in a better place.

I also want to thank all my regulars (whom I really consider to be friends) for your very sweet and thoughtful comments on my results post. Your support and sympathy was overwhelming and I feel incredibly lucky and grateful that you all cared so much to leave me a virtual hug. Thank you.

Nope.

We're crushed.

Okay I'm Freaking Out A Little

First things first, I have no news. (sorry if the title was misleading) Other than I'm really starting to freak out. The anticipation is KILLING me.

With the exception of the first part of my post yesterday, I'm not typically the type who talks about their symptoms in the wait. I usually just say I feel nothing, even when I notice a thing or two. Partially because I hate pointless drama, and don't want to get any ones hopes up, namely mine. Partially because I'm un peu superstitious. But mostly because I really do my damnedest to ignore and disqualify them. That being said: most of yesterday afternoon I had, what I thought was, pretty significant uterine cramping. And later in the evening it turned into lower back cramping. The lower back cramping is what I typically get the moment my period shows up. But not for very long. I rarely have cramps at all. Could it have been the crappy seats at the Sharks game? Possibly. But what kills me is today I feel NOTHING. Not a cramp, not a twinge. Nothing.

And I'm starting to freak out.

I'm DYING to take a test, yet I'm utterly terrified of the results.

Tomorrow marks one year exactly that we got our IVF diagnosis. I can't believe it's been a whole fucking year. I'm freaking out. Agonizing over what that test will tell me tomorrow. This wait- is killing me....

All My Love

Nothing new to report here. I'm 12dpiui and I still haven't tested. I'm sort of terrified to. Because this is my last chance for a 2010 baby. I've had a few twinges down south that seem...... different.... The thing is, I very rarely experience menstrual cramps, which makes it difficult for me to distinguish them from bowel cramps/discomfort. And well I've had good reason the last couple of days to believe it may be related to bowel issues...If you catch my drift. And also I think it might be in my head. Because I want so very badly to have some kind of symptom, and because it's very, VERY minor and when I notice it, it either goes away or gets worse for a second or two then vanishes. Very intermittent. Very puzzling. So I'm trying to ignore it. Forget it. Until I test on Saturday, and find out whether I'll make my husband a father next year or not...

So in the mean time, instead of starting, yes starting my Christmas shopping tonight, we're going to the Sharks game. Awesomeness. I'm not sure I've ever mentioned it but Brian and I are season ticket whores. I don't think we have bought tickets to a game in like five years. We're the last minute couple. Got extra tickets, or tickets you can't use? Call Brian and Melissa- they can go! It's not like they're tied down with kids or anything, right? Ooohhhh, yeah I went there.

Okay. Moving on.

A few days ago the lovely and talented Mel over at Stirrup Queens posted about Love and friendships made over the Internet. She talked about how proud she was to have made such wonderful friends through blogs. And I just really feel like echoing her thoughts. Meg at No Oven and I started emailing each other a few months back and then decided to meet up one day for lunch. I was so nervous, but she's is incredibly warm and easy to talk to. Soon after she introduced me to a few other local bloggers, and I feel so lucky and privileged now to call them my friends. I told you how awesome Nikki was yesterday, so now I'll tell you about Sarang. Sarang has a private blog, so there is no way for you to know what a funny, witty, kindhearted woman she is. As well as a very talented writer. So last night we met up at The Melting Pot (fondue!). I've always gotten a lot of comfort from reading and commenting on other blogs and forums, but there really is nothing like sitting down to a meal and bitching about your last cycle to someone who can laugh and cry along, right next to you. I hate to brag, but these ladies are the BEST at it. Serioulsy folks, if you have the option of meeting up with a local blogger or two, do it, DO IT NOW. You won't regret it!

A Boost

It's been a really nutty week. I've been battling the holiday blues, and dodging the tww crazies. Seeing this incredibly sweet post and getting the Valued Blogger award from Meg over at No Oven for the Bun, absolutely made my day. Thank you so much Meg, I wish I could give this award right back to you. Because I truly value our friendship. You are one amazing woman.

Here are the rules:

1.Tell your readers how your journey into blogging began. Be as verbose or as shy as you'd like.

2.Pick 3 - 5 fellow bloggers whom you adore and write what exactly you value about that person or their blog. The more you write about them the better. This is a chance to really show your appreciation to your blog friends who have been there for you through thick and thin.

3. Let the blessed winners know they have been awarded!

Here it goes:

1. How my bloggy days came to be:

Okay I'm going to be completely honest here. The first month we tried and I found out I wasn't pregnant completely broke my heart. It was Brian's birthday. And I remember feeling crushed because I was so sure it was going to happen on our first try, and I had 6 years of public school sex education to back up my theory. IF YOU HAVE SEX YOU'RE GOING TO GET PREGNANT, they said. I was just so sure it would happen quickly for us.... Soon after that Go.ogle fever hit me, and I came across Redbo.ok's Infertility Diaries. There was this uber funny chick named Jennepper who had a blog. A blog... What is a blog? I wondered. So I quickly went to my new best friend Goog.le, and found their blogger site. And I instantly knew it was something I should have. I needed an outlet. We hadn't told a single soul that we were trying and I just had to get my frustrations out somewhere. For the first eight or nine months, I kept it completely private - Brian was the only one who read it. Once I made it public and started getting a few comments, I still didn't realize that there was a whole other world of IF blogs out there. The more blogs I found the better I began to handle things. Now I think a blog is something everyone should have. I can hardly imagine functioning without it.

2. I hereby value the following bloggers listed in no particular order!:

A. Jessica at Dreams of a Baby - Oh, Jessica. Jessica is so fricken sweet. I really value her good nature, and warmth. Unfortunately she's been pretty close to keeping up with me in terms of number of IUI's completed (just one behind). We've been very much on the same page as far as emotional status goes as well. I'm really grateful to have found her blog, and even more grateful that she found mine - because her comments always tend to give me the reassurance I was looking for. She's having a tough time coming to terms with the fact that they may need to move on to IVF, so please go give her some love when you get a chance.

B. Jendeis at Sell Crazy Some Place Else - Not only does she love hockey, but she can quote from 'Friends'. Okay seriously, I really value her sense of humor and lightheartedness on her blog. Jendeis always manages to leave a comforting comment whilst simultaneously cracking me up. Her blog is awesome, and I admire the honesty that resonates in each and every post. If only we lived closer so we could hook up for a Caps or Sharks game. (The Caps will be in San Jose on Dec 30th!!!) She is currently undergoing Donor IUI's like moi, and I'm crossing everything in hopes that neither of us has to do many more.

C. Nikki at Our Roller Coaster Ride Through Infertility - Simply put, Nikki is amazing. An amazing writer, an amazing friend. Just amazing. I think the thing I value most about Nikki is her strength and empathy. She's been through one of the roughest rides from IF that I have witnessed and yet always rallies to dish out support to others. Nikki and her husband are currently pursuing adoption, after a very long and heroic battle to have a biological child of their own. Where ever that child might be at this very moment, is soon to hit the parental jackpot. I cannot imagine a them finding a better home. Some day, some way Nikki.

Okay I could seriously list like 15 more bloggers but I have to get my butt to a dinner with a few other local bloggers who kick major ass! (More to come on that!)

Terms and Conditions

This holiday season continues to be blah for us. I never got around to decorating the inside of the house, or even getting a tree for that matter. Neither of us really feel like it. We do have the lights up on the outside of the house, which looks magical as always. Brian really does a hell of a job at that.

I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that if this cycle doesn't work we're going to have to take a few months off to pay down some debt and save up some money. I really hate the thought of not being able to cycle, but we have to be financially responsible. In order to keep my eyes on the prize I've come up with a few goals that I'd like to accomplish during our down time.

1. Donate Blood: this is something I have wanted to do for years, but ttc has gotten in the way.

2. Loose some weight: I have really abused desserts and spitefully indulged in soft cheeses as way of coping with my anger, frustration, and overall sadness that has come with dealing with IF.

3. Try Yoga: I've always been intrigued by it, but never made much of an effort to explore it. I may have to start with a video of some sort because classes seem to be pretty pricey and I'm going to scrimp and save every single penny I can while we're on this break.

4. Mend my broken heart: I want to shed the heaviness that has held me for so long. I have to.

5. Read more: There are tons of books that I want to read, but for some reason I haven't made enough of an effort to get around to them.

That's all I have so far. I may come up with more, during the copious amounts of spare time I'll have. I also already made an appointment with a new RE for the end of January. It's not that I'm already discounting this cycle, I'm just trying to be proactive. In case our new RE wants to run some tests, I don't want to have to wait until we're ready to cycle or close to it. I really want to be prepared.

My tww is going well so far. I'm 6dpiui today, and feeling the same as always. Definitely hopeful though, and praying that we finally get our BFP.

In Which I Remember I Have No Control Over Anything. Ever.

Friday night we were getting ready to go to my best friend's father's 60th birthday party, when I took my obligatory CD10 OPK. Imagine my surprise when the test came back positive. My follie check was scheduled for today, so I was not prepared to see a positive at all. Then things went from bad to worse, about an hour into the party I felt the unmistakable twinges of ovulation. It became more and more intense as the evening went on and I knew that our chance to cycle this month was slipping away. All I could think was that our last chance to get pregnant in 2009 was going to be over. Brian and I sat back at our table watching numerous young families enjoying the music, and crowding the dance floor. Amidst the dancing and happiness we also got a pregnancy announcement. And we slowly began to feel more and more out of place. Watching father's dance with their daughters and mother's tending tantrums just got to be too much. And we reluctantly decided to leave the party before I lost it in front of everyone.

First thing Saturday morning I called my clinic and explained to the nurse what had happened the night before. She told me she hoped I was wrong about ovulating and that they would get me in right away. Dr. C walked in while I sat in the chair in my paper skirt, I told him about my positive OPK, and then about the ovulation pains. He smiled and shrugged and said, "you know you really can't be too sure about those mysterious pains, they could just be the follicle growing" just then he started the u/s and quickly noted that I had indeed ovulated. He pointed out a collapsed follicle and what appeared to be fluid from the collapsed follicle. I managed to be diplomatic while I glared at him with my "I told you so" smirk. I have to say it's mildly insulting that he assumes I don't know anything about my own body... Anyway, he continued on to say that it appeared I had ovulated within the last 12 hours and that I was still within the window if I wanted to continue with an insemination. He told me that my chances were descent enough, and that I should really consider going ahead. So I did. We had a motile count of 12 million, not bad.

I find it incredibly ironic that I had been plotting and scheming exactly when I was going to trigger so that I could do my IUI just after I ovulated, and my body went ahead and did it anyway - four days early no less. So as of right now I am officially 1dpiui. I honestly think our chances are pretty descent. My concern this whole time has been that the sperm weren't living long enough to meet the egg. Well now the egg was already there waiting so hopefully this will make all the difference for us. Crossing our fingers for a Christmas miracle...

Making Plans

I'd just like to say one thing before I get into the cycle gab, if you haven't tried the Caramel Brulee Latte from Starbucks, DO IT, do it NOW. They are f'ing fantastic!

Anyway... So I did email Dr. C. The long and short of it is that I expressed my frustration over the timing of my IUI's and lack of attention from him. And he politely explained that their timing methods are proven, but conceded that not all cycles are the same, and agreed to change up the timing with this next cycle. He's very nice and extremely tactful when dealing with crazy unpregnant women. But that doesn't change the fact that we will be looking for a new RE if this cycle doesn't work. He's not the whole reason we'll be shopping, honestly driving up to the city several times a month is getting REALLY old. I know we're lucky that it's not hours away and we have more than two choices of clinics within 30 miles, but inconvenience is relative, right?. If I can go to an equally impressive clinic and not have to put up with traffic and expensive parking, then I'm going to take advantage of that...

And speaking of moving on, Brian and I have been talking a lot about what our next steps are going to be. We're both completely aware that our IUI's days are probably numbered. We assume it's only a matter of time before they recommend that we move on to IVF. We've discussed it a lot and both feel that at that point we'd probably just move on to adoption. We of course love the idea of me being pregnant some day, but our ultimate goal is to be a family. We just want children in our lives... However they may come. Financially IVF is going to be very difficult for us to afford, so if we're going to shell out 20k, we'd prefer it go to something with higher odds of us ending up with a baby. I guess we're just super conservative that way. And none of this is set in stone, we're not ready to stop doing treatments. I'd really like to move on to injectables with our next round of IUI's, but it's also good to have a plan.

As for Brian and I, we're doing a lot better. I think the fact that I am slowly emerging from the fog has been helpful, but the counseling is making a significant difference as well. It's nice to feel close again. I missed him so much. Brian thank you for putting up with my crazy. I promise someday all this heartache will be worth it some how. When we're grandparents, maybe... I love you dear.

Christmas Cardless

I have been dreading the idea of Christmas cards for about 3 months now. Giving and receiving...

After each failed cycle, it became more evident that we would not have happy news to share with with family and friends this holiday season. I'd dreamt of making a Christmas card that included an ultrasound photo. Instead I'm a little terrified about the cards that are heading our way.

I used to love sending out cards. But now I feel pathetic because after 6 years of marriage, it's still just the two of us - and the dog. I imagine the people who know about us shaking their heads with pity when they see just the three of us on another card. And the others who don't know wondering aloud whether or not we're ever going to have children. I do realize that's pretty unrealistic, so thanks to the tools I've learned in therapy, when I get too deep into that thought I'm able to stop myself now and think instead about how I'm actually am very proud of the three of us. I love my husband, and I'm proud to be his wife. I'm proud of the life and home we built together. But still, sending out a card with just the three of us?... I don't know.

As for my cycle, today is CD3. I was able to get my Letrozole dosage increased - woo hoo! I'd like to thank you all for your input on my last post about your IUI protocol. I'm planning to send an email to Dr. C regarding the crappy timing on my previous failed cycles, and inform him of my new strategy for the timing of my IUI this month. I'm curious to see what he'll have to say... I don't know when I'll see him next, I'll go in on Dec 6th for my follie check, which is a Sunday so I'm not sure who will be on call that day. Whatever.

For the most part I am feeling very hopeful about this next cycle. Now that I know our timing will be more accurate and that I might even have three follies to catch a spermie or two. (We're totally down with twins.) We've had a pretty nice weekend so far, just busy decorating the house now. It's been hard getting into the spirit of the season this year, so maybe cramming it down my throat at home will do the trick. Hope you all had a nice Thanksgiving.

Guess Who Thinks She Knows More Than Her RE?

I DO! I DO! I DO! Alright, hear me out. I got a comment on my last post that got me thinking. A lot. "The one thing my RE has stressed throughout this long process... is that each cycle helps them learn more about how your body works. As hard as it is to realize, each failure helps them fine-tune things the next time. " (Thanks Jo!) Not once has Dr. RAWKS questioned me about the intricacies of my cycle, (LIKE HOW LONG IT TAKES ME TO OVULATE AFTER AN HCG TRIGGER!!!!) other than what he has seen from my test results. The more I think about it the more I think that the timing of my IUI's has been way off. And I feel like I've been treated by statistical standards. Furthermore I decree that Dr. "RAWKS" is hereby demoted to Dr. Capableoffindingmycervix.

Lemme break it down:

• Frozen sperm lasts about 12-24 hours after it is defrosted. I know, it's astoundingly less than fresh sperm. (I was able to find this info from several sources online, not once have I heard this from my clinic. I thought it would have been closer to a couple of days)
• I ovulate 36+ hours after my Hcg trigger shot. I get the mittleschmertz, so I feel a lot of pressure before I ovulate.
• My last two IUI's have been exactly 24 hours after my trigger.
• Which means by the time I actually ovulate a good portion of the sperm is probably already DEAD.
• I happened to see on TWO other local IF Clinic's websites that the clinics do IUI's closer to 36-40 hours after the trigger. WTF?!

Okay, I know I must seem like I'm grasping at straws to find some possible explanation as to why I still haven't gotten pregnant, but the things I listed above are completely factual. So now I'm left with more frustration over the coulda, woulda, shoulda's. I should have put two and two together a lot sooner, but wouldn't it have been Dr. Rawks' responsibility to follow up with me regarding each mundane detail so that we could "fine-tune" the protocol on our next cycle?! I'm not as mad at him as I am myself. I should have done more research about the longevity of the sperm and sooner. I should have spoken up about the tiny details of my cycle and wanting to be more aggressive with treatments. I could have saved Brian and I a lot of time, heartache, and money.

We have one vial left, and I plan to use it in about two weeks, so there won't be enough time to find a new RE by then. But if things don't work out again next month I can safely say that we will spend the month of January shopping for a new RE. It kinda makes me sad to say that. I do actually like him, he has a fantastic bedside manner, and is incredibly gentle, ahem, down there. But I hate that I haven't gotten the slightest inquiry from him during my FIVE failed cycles. For so long I kept chalking it up to my odds just being low each cycle... But now I think I've kinda been screwed by the lack of attention on my RE's part.

So here's the new plan:

I called this weekend to request an increase in my dosage of Letrozole. The nurse I spoke to said they rarely do that, and Dr. Capableoffindingmycervix is on vacation this week. Which means it's pretty unlikely that another Dr. will trump his orders. So I might have to fight for it. When I go in for my follie check, probably Dec 6th. I'm going to insist that I trigger that night at home and come in 36 hours later. Instead of triggering after my u/s and coming in the next morning. Who the fuck knows if it'll work, but at least I'll feel better knowing that I've done what I can.

P.S. I'd love to hear about your IUI protocol.

Nope: The ICLW Edition

Hello there folks! Welcome to my blog. I've been sleeping with an HPT under my pillow for what seems like a fricken ETERNITY but is actually just over two years now. My husband and I were diagnosed with severe MFI in December 2008. (Almost our crapiversary!) After that we spent a very long time planning our next move and decided to go on to Donor Insemination - Which is not going very well at all. Not the donor part, but the insemination and me actually getting pregnant part.

I found out this morning that our 5th dIUI cycle failed. FIFTH! I still have the damn lopsided First Response test sitting next to me. I'm glaring at it, but nothing is changing in that little window - there's something my hormones can't scare into submission.

I can't fucking believe it didn't work AGAIN.

A little more history - Supposedly there is nothing "wrong" with me. "You'll be pregnant in no time" said my RE, and I believed him! So we started with three natural IUI's- back to back and OPK monitored. The last two have been with Letrozole/Femara and Prometrium. My body has responded well, getting two follicles from each round of meds, but still nothing. Neither myself, nor my RE have any idea why it hasn't worked so far, and it's really starting to piss me off. We plan to do one more cycle with Letrozole, then rob a bank so we can afford a more aggressive approach, because the last 5 cycles have damn near sucked us dry. Okay, FINE, actually we're going to do one more cycle then take a break to save up some cash. Then we'll likely move on to injectables.

Sorry for all of the rambling. If you are interested in a more DI related post you can read this one. It covers a lot. Well I look forward to reading all of your blogs, thanks for stopping by!

Slowly, But Surely...

Hey there, sorry I haven't been posting much. When I was in the darkest place, I was too far gone to complete a train of thought. But this last week is mostly because I've kept myself incredibly busy and just haven't made the time to write. Having gone to two Sharks games in three days may have also contributed to that. Even now... I struggle to come up with the next sentence, but it's strange because I feel I have so much to say. I've been doing better emotionally. It's funny because making that first call to my therapist made a big difference. Just knowing I was taking a step to get some help lifted a huge weight. The appointment went well, I'm going to continue seeing her for the next few weeks. The days following my first session were full of ups and downs, but I'm happy to say the highs were higher and the lows were not nearly as low, or as difficult to shake off as they have been in the past. And would you believe I even made it through an entire Baby Shower without hurling myself through a plate glass patio slider?!?! I KNOW!

Don't get too excited, I'm still not feeling quite myself, but I'm lucid enough to know how strange it is to be so sad all the time. I hardly recognize that side of me; weepy consumed, despondent. While I've always been one to cry over things a simple as commercials, or a greeting card I still felt pretty confident in the viability of my mental health. But sometimes looking at the mess I am right now makes me think I seriously overestimated myself. Good god, how ever did I make it this far in life without spending a good portion of it in a loony bin?!?!

Not that there's anything wrong with that...

So I'm 9dpo today. I'm going to string out my prometrium until Saturday when I'll test. I'm not feeling super hopeful, but I haven't given up yet either. I know how very much I still want this, and feel it's going to happen for us eventually... Which is why there's still that twinkle of hope thinking that it's always darkest before the dawn, what if this turns out to be our month? Blah, Blah, Blah.

I'm sorry I've been so bad about commenting, please know that I've been lurking and of course thinking of you all. Hugs.

Day By Day

Where the hell has she been?!
You might be asking yourself. Okay probably not. It's more likely that I am overestimating the blogosphere's level of investment in my journey... I digress. Anyhoo, I have been hibernating in a little place I like to call a Crazymessbasketcaseland, and doing a marvelous job at it, by the way. Seriously folks, I have not been in a good place AT ALL. I know my last post was all fluffy and I jabbered on about being thankful and crap, but that was a mask. I was well on my way to CMBC Land and grasping at straws to keep my shit together.

I feel nuts.
Especially when I think about how little I've done as far as IF treatments go. Just the four IUI's. When I have a clear day, I'm able to see the poor condition my mental health is in, and I wonder how I got there. I don't think of myself as a weak and weepy person. But then again, most crazy people don't know they're crazy... Hmm. Food for thought there, huh?

PLEH.
That's HELP backwards. If you're a 'Friends' fanatic, you'll totally get that. Great episode. What was I talking about? Right. Help. I'm getting some.

• My acupuncturist, Ms. B, has been working on my Chakra, and helping me with some visualization tools to help me got out of this place.
• Yesterday I hung out with a few local bloggers. That is always a fantastic way to process garbage and get an outside, yet educated opinion/advice. Even them listening and nodding along to my blathering is helpful, because like all of you - they get it. Thank you so much Nikki and Sarang -private blog).
• My Therapist. As of tonight I will have a therapist. We saw one before, but it was through our clinic and solely to help us process the DI part of this journey. I think my troubles now stem from the long term effects of IF, and my failed IUI's. But god knows what else she'll find wrong with me. I'll let you know how that goes.

As far as my cycle, I am 2dpo today. I had an u/s on Friday to monitor and they found two large follicles on my right side. Evidently they prefer one on each side, but Dr Rawks wasn't surprised because my right side is dominant anyway. He said two follicles is still a good thing. So I triggered on Friday after my u/s and I went back for my IUI on Saturday. There was a total motile count of 10.6 million. Not great. I decided not to thaw another vial. It obviously didn't help last month, so fuck it. I've been feeling a little better the last few days, I think the acupuncture and the bloggy get together were very helpful. Let's hope my therapist will be the silver bullet.

Where the Light Is

I know I've been a little MIA lately. To tell you the truth I've just sort of needed some distance from all things infertility. The small break I had last week at that concert reminded me of everything I've been missing. That peace I felt before I knew the world of IF. And for some reason I have continually been reminded of that by different people in my life over the last few days.

At my last acupuncture appointment, I had a really nice heart to heart with Ms. B. She was in Italy during my last BFN, so the first thing she asked me once we sat down is how I was doing emotionally. I told her we were frustrated of course, but planned to keep moving forward. She then proceeded to tell me about a miracle pregnancy story. Which usually infuriates me, but her tone and the message of her story was more about how I can help myself, rather than the old: 'my sister's, cousin's roommate in college was told she'd never have kids, and yada yada, she's now pregnant with her third.' I'm not going to try to retell the story, but her point was about finding joy in your life, joy despite our hardships. She said it's not the same as positive thinking, because that requires a particular type of effort. But joy was more about admiring the things in your life that you already have.

Tonight Brian and I attended a RESOLVE meeting. And as a closing thought, the leader asked each person to name something they were thankful for. This is a big part of what I have been doing over the last week. Focusing on the other aspects of my life. Of things I am thankful for. We have a good life, and we're lucky in a lot of ways. I know that we're going to make it through this - whatever the outcome. With hearing all of the lengthy stories at the RESOLVE meeting, as well as each month's ICLW, I am reminded that we are still relatively early into treatments. We haven't had to endure multiple failed IVF's, or miscarriages. We're lucky that our medical issues are not as serious as others. I know that... And I'm thankful.

So would one of you mind letting the Universe know that I can take a hint? I promise I'm going to spend more time thinking of the things that make me happy, and the things that I am grateful for. And I'm starting to feel better already... As for my cycle, I will take my last dose of Letrozole tonight, then go in for a follie check on Friday. That appointment should help determine when my next IUI will be. I'm guessing it will be by next Monday. Posting maybe light but I'll keep you all up to date on the important stuff.

One last thing I'm grateful for? All of you.

My Great Escape

Have I ever told you how much I love and depend on music? There are several specific albums that have gotten me through pivotal times throughout my life, and I always think of them as old friends. I've mentioned it before, but when I get into a new album I listen to it incessantly. Literally, for weeks a time. I dissect the composition and lyrics of each song carefully and usually end up applying the words to some part of my life, which inevitably makes the song even more dear to my heart.

After my very early, and very crappy morning Saturday. I decided to get up and keep myself busy. I was still devastated, but I just wouldn't allow myself to stay in bed and wallow all day. We had plans that night. We were going to a concert. Actually it was a benefit concert for children with severe disabilities, and it always has an impressive line up. This year: She.ryl Crow, Chri.s Martin (from Cold.play), Jimmy Buff.ett, and No Do.ubt. It's completely acoustic, and absolutely fantastic. We went with some friends of ours, who know about our situation, but not about this blog. I told Brian in the car that under no circumstances did I want to discuss the earlier events of the day. He agreed, and we were on our way. It was the perfect evening for an outdoor concert, and the five beers that I ingested helped move things right along. (Which, btw, those five beers? Totalled more than I've had to drink in the last five months combined). It was so great to have something else to think of, to enjoy a night with no heartache, no looming appointments, or medications. I had escaped it all.

That is until this morning when the reality set back in. It failed, again. I have to do all this crap again next month. Fuck.

Saturday morning I cried harder than I have in a very long time. And my wonderful husband was right there with me. Held me and commiserated, and wiped away my tears. This sucks, and it's not fair. It's getting harder financially as well. These IUI's cost about as much as our mortgage, and we hadn't really planned on needing more than 3 of them. So we decided together that if the next two don't work then we'll need to take some time off, and save up for the next round. God, I hope it doesn't come to that. I know that in the grand scheme of things, four IUI's isn't that many. Especially since three of them were undmedicated. We had about the same odds as a normal couple would've. It's just hard to accept that when I know we're doing everything right, and the circumstances (supposedly) couldn't be better- blah, blah, blah...

Annnnnd no joke, AF just showed this very minute. I was about to ask how long it takes the bitch to show after stopping the Prome.trium, and BAM. Man, I hate her.

Anyway, I want to thank you for all of your incredibly supportive comments. I've been rereading them all for the past few days, and they continue to be very comforting. Hugs.

Nope.

I can't even begin to express my sadness and frustration. I don't know how fucking much more disappointment I can take. We are swiftly running out of emotional and financial resources to continue doing this. I feel helpless.

How could it be negative?

We had every odd in our favor. I had two giant follicles, perfect timing, and a decent motile count.

I'm so infuriated.

So defeated.

Can't Fight These Feelings

I've had a few inquiries as to how I'm feeling, and whether or not I'm getting any pregnancy related symptoms. The answer unfortunately, is no. I am however feeling a BUTTLOAD of side effects from the Promet.rium. I wasn't originally going to look them up because I was afraid it would only fuel the fire of obsessive speculation, but I had to check it out today because I've been experiencing some weird shit.

Oh, let's start with my favorite:

• Oral and Vaginal dryness - There's likely no need for me to elaborate on this one. It's about as awesome as it sounds.
• Acne - My skin is not exactly fantastic to begin with, so the new monster zits that have showed up on my neck and boobs are just icing on the pockmarked cake.
• Anxiety and insomnia - For a second I though I was loosing my mind. The last 5 or six nights I have slept like absolute shit. I'm totally restless and keeping having ridiculous dreams where I'm worried about things like whether or not Madison from Mill.ion Doll.ar Lis.ting made the right decision in lowering the price of the Malibu house by 600k. Absurd, just absurd.
• Frequent Urination - It's probably because I'm drinking tons water in a futile attempt to quench my severe cotton mouth, but cheeseandcrackers folks! I have to pee ALL THE LIVE LONG DAY. And night too! But that doesn't really bother me because it's not like I'm busy sleeping at 2:36am ANY DAMN WAY.
• Heartburn - After Every. Single. Meal. Without Fail.

So there it is. That's everything I'm feeling. Oh and 'the girls' are still quiet. Not the slightest bit of soreness. Which is still fine with me. Sigh. I have no better idea of whether or not it worked this time, than I have the last three times. But there's still hope. At least I have that.

I'm 13dpo.

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Oops I forgot to mention whether I was going to test or not. How about Saturday morning? Yikes.

Holy Hell, is it ICLW already?!

I swear it's coming faster and faster every month. Especially when I don't have anything remotely exciting to post about. I am 12dpo/dpiui today. I don't have a Beta scheduled, just the haunting notions of unused home pregnancy tests in my bathroom cabinet. I'm doing my best to stay far away from them though. AF is due Fridayish. Ugh I hate when it falls on a weekday. I'd so much rather get crappy news when I can stay in pajama's all day and consume large quantities of - well anything with an astonishingly high caloric count.

You may recognize my story, last ICLW I had a different blog title which included my last name. When I first started my blog, my husband was the only one reading it. Slowly I began gaining readership, and it started to occur to me that I may be giving our future child's privacy away. While Brian and I feel we have nothing to hide as far as our infertility, we do however feel a fierce need to protect our future child(ren). I have no idea where this blog will be in 20 years, but I don't want anything I say to come back and bite me in the ass. We want our child to be able to choose who is aware of their conception, outside of the family and a select few friends of course.

This month we completed our fourth dIUI. The first three were done with no meds, just based on a positive OPK. But my impatience got the best of me, and I insisted on using some meds this round. My RE put me on Letrozole, which produced 2 lovely follicles. I've never really addressed this before, and I know that I only have about a 5% chance, but I am totally fine with twins. The only thing that concerns me is the high risk pregnancy part.

If you're interested in how we got to the Donor path you can check out my obnoxiously detailed timeline. Or here are a few posts that are probably the most significant.

So welcome ICLWer's, I look forward to reading more about you.

My Gratitude

Feeling better today. I've done pretty well so far with not completely over analyzing symptoms. I'll probably chalk most of them up to the medications anyway. I haven't read the list of side effects from the Prometrium because I don't need anymore knowledge on what might be related to a pregnancy. The one symptom that is missing however is the sore boobage. They normally start to hurt the day after I ovulate. But here I am, 10dpo, and the girls are blissfully silent. It's a nice change, I'm used to them hurting for two weeks at a time, so this is great!

So like I was saying I'm in a much better place emotionally today. That may have to do with the wonderful day I had yesterday. Brian and I celebrated our sixth wedding anniversary. I fully planned to dedicate a post to it, but I spent more time with him instead, and I'm sure he appreciated that. Up until last week, we'd been having kind of a tough time. We had a pretty nasty argument a week ago, and ever since then I think we both realized we need to just try harder to be good to one another. Not that it had completely gotten away from us, but we have a lot going on right now, even outside of the IF stuff. But yesterday it all disappeared, and I spent the day with my best friend, we didn't do anything particularly exciting, but we never left each others side from sun up, to sun down and it was wonderful. He is wonderful. And I become more and more thankful for him everyday, especially on the hard ones. I love you, Brian. Thank you for making my life amazing. You've helped me become the woman I am today, and I'm so grateful for that.


And I'd also like to send out a huge thank you, and a big squishy hug to all of you who've been so supportive. I know my emotions have been all over the place lately. I totally realize that my feelings in any given post usually contradicts the previous one... But you've all done a fantastic job at keeping up with me.

Sometimes I worry that this blog comes across as one big pity party. That might be because I use this place as an outlet, and unfortunately when I'm in a bad place, I lose the ability to see when I'm being a whiny mess. I don't always feel as crappy as some of my posts may convey. I just use each post to help me shed that heavy cloud of sorrow or anger that I'm experiencing at any particular moment.

And thank you for following me to my new blog. I was a little worried at first that I might loose some of you, but your comments prove otherwise. I'm just so thankful to have all of you in my life. To the ones who live near by, and the others whom are far, far away... It's nice to know that even if we can't grab dinner together, there's always instant access with my laptop. So no matter what time of day or night - you're always there. I hope I can do the same for you.